All language subtitles for archie_bunker_s_place_s04e23_small_claims_court

What do you say there, fellas?

Hey, Marty.

Hey, that's quite a place you've got.
Yeah, thanks, Harry. Hey, did you make

sales yet?

How can I make any sales? I just got the
jacket.

Do you mean to tell me that your boss
makes you wear that ridiculous jacket

there just to be a TV salesman? I'll lay
off him, Arch. At least he's waking

again. You said it, Harry. And boy, it
feels terrific.

Now, don't faint, huh? This is my first
paycheck.

In four months.

Oh, well.

Cash it for me, will you, Harry?

Oh, and incidentally, how big is my tab?

$572 .33.

Excellent.

Apply five... No, you'd better make that
$4 toward that, huh?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Harry.
Geez, let me see the chink there. Not

Bonnie's a regular person again.

Oh, my God. We can't take no $4 out of a
pathetic check like that.

That's your weekly pay? That's terrible.

Jeez, your boss must be an awful thief
there.

That's the same as I get my illegals out
in the kitchen.

Oh, yeah.

Well, my boss made a very meaningful
statement this morning, and I made a

of it.

He said I would make plenty of
commissions as soon as I learned the

of molding the customer's product
choice.

Oh, my God.

Help me with it, Mr. Van Rensselaer.
What could this crampola possibly mean?

Conning the customer, right, Barney?

Similar, Mr.

Van Ard. Very similar.

Good night, Perry.

Oh, incidentally, Arch, how long has
your TV been rolling like that?

Oh, it's been doing that for weeks. The
vertical hold is shot. Ah, come on.

There ain't nothing wrong with the TV. I
told you how to fix it. Take the towel

and hit it.

Oh, no, no, no. Give me the towel. Not
in the front of the day. I told you, get

it on the side.

Like that.

All right, don't panic. Just hit it
again.

Come on, then. Come on, then. Come on.

Maybe if he yelled mush.

Maybe you just shush.

Arch, that is definitely a faulty
rectifier.

Or, unquestionably, your tuna is on the
fritz.

Or, without a doubt, that is a bum
picture tube.

Anyway, look, what's the difference? I
can put a brand new set in there for

to nothing.

Hey, I tell you, after lunch, how about
you and me ankling down to TV heaven

there and just browse around, huh?

You mean to say we could pick up a brand
new TV set right after lunch? Yeah.

No.

Please, look, I need the sales.

I can't help you, Barney.

Of course, if we claimed it as a
business expense, then Uncle Sam would

most of it.

Maybe I can help you, Barney.

Well, you know, seeing as how you're my
closest friend in the world and you're

begging me so nice and all.

Hey, thanks, Arch.

Thanks a million.

Boy, you'll never regret this. Oh,
Barney, I never regret nothing.

I don't know. It's a lot more than I
planned for Spanish.

Louie, you're looking at the total sum.
But it's only pennies a day. Trust me.

Here, just sign the installment contract
remark.

Go ahead, Louie. Go ahead.

But all I want is something to take to
the park to listen to the Mets game.

Louie, baby, in the city these days,
there's all kinds of radio waves and

waves and microwaves shooting all over
the place. All you're going to get with

little portable radio is static.

Now, take it from Marty Marchetti. Would
you do me a favor? This is a heavenly

deal. Go ahead. Just sign it right
there. Well, you're the expert.

Yes, indeed.

I am the expert.

And here you go, Louie, baby.

Use it in good health. Now, remember,
when you come back once a month to make

your installment payment, okay, you
bring me your Social Security check, and

will cash it for you. Only seven cents
on a dollar. You know why?

Because I'm Marty. I'm your video angel.

Here you go, baby.

Enjoy it.

Terrific.

Here we are, Arch. Is this beautiful?

Why, I've seen a million of these
jerseys. Hey, hip -nap, back from lunch

early. That's terrific.

Well, I hurried right back, Marty. As
soon as I found out my pal here wanted

buy a TV set for his bar.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is Archie Bonker,
the noted restaurateur.

Archie Marty Marchetti. Oh, how are you?
How are you? I see you on TV late at

night with the lousy movies.

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, you don't have to die to go to TV
heaven. You got bad credit, you got no

credit. I don't care, because I'm a
gambler. So come and see Marty Marchetti

the home of the heavenly deal, TV
heaven.

I like the spot at the river, eh?

Well, no intention, friend of dear,
but...

You know, you don't inspire the same
amount of trust as the dame that comes

after, you know, the one that advertises
to spray for assisting the feminine

hijinks.

Yeah, teach his own.

So, Archie, what kind of a TV set are we
looking for, Arch? Yeah, well, we

discussed that, and we decided that a 21
-inch color portable would be fine.

Yeah, cool, definitely.

I just had a vision.

I mean, it's...

It's Sunday in Archie's bar, and the
place is packed to the rafters with all

kinds of free -spending customers. And
do you know why they're there?

It's the Fourth of July.

They're there to watch the football game
on Archie Bunker's brand -new

projection TV with a five -foot screen.
It's better than a seat at the 50 -yard

line. What do you think, Archie, baby,
eh?

Not, I think, no.

Now, Archie, what if I make you one of
my heavenly credit terms?

Well, see, it ain't the money. It's just
that I hate that big screen, that TV

there. I don't think nobody needs more
than 21 inches.

You're the boss, Archie.

Listen, Hefner, why don't you show Mr.

Bunker some of the portable TVs? You
want to excuse me a minute? Here we go.

think one of these three will probably
do the trick.

One of these, do they all look the same
to me?

Well, certainly they do. There's no
reason why you should know anything

these. That's why I'm here, you
salesman. Now you take the first one

is all quartz tuning.

Comes as a shock to you, right?

Now you take the second one here. Now
this is all solid state.

Don't be upset. There's no reason you
should know that.

And the third one, right on the end
here, this is $20 off.

Well, the third one on the end is
beautiful.

Yeah, I thought you'd like that. Yeah,
yeah. So with the $20 off, how much are

you going to nick me for that?

Well, let me see. I'll do a little quick
calculation here. $4 .48 comes to $4

.28. All right, Barney, it's a deal.

With the $50 carrying charges.

$50?

No deal.

But, Arch, you promised.

Look, look, I need the sale.

Well, then knock off the $50 delivery
charge. What the hell is that?

The bar was only three blocks from here.

You want the deal, and you carry that
set over yourself.

Wait, I'll have to ask Marty.

These tweeters will not only play
Beethoven, they'll call your dog for

I really only came in for one of these.

Excuse me a minute. Pardon me. Look,
Archie doesn't want to go for the

chart. Do what you have to. Just don't
bug me.

It's a deal, Arch.

All I have to do is write up the order.

What's happening, Barney? I ain't got
all day. Yeah, okay.

First here, we got the name.

Come on, will you, Arch? Look, I've been
here over an hour already. I'm going to

get fired.

Pipe down, will you? Can't you see I'm
trying to do some delicate electrical

surgery here?

Hey, boss.

Hey, boss. Raul says you sold him this
old TV for $20.

That's right, so?

So I think I should give first crack at
a deal like that. Why?

Because I'm the top man here. That's
why.

It's not my fault he has no respect for
you.

Oh, oh.

I do have respect for Jose there.

All right, Jose, you want the deal? Give
me $20.

No, thanks. He can have that piece of
junk. I just want the respect. Come on,

Raul. I'll help you get it in your car.

How's it going, Arch?

Ah, fine. It's just one or two more
things to do.

Barney, make yourself useful. Now, hand
me that screwdriver and a bar, huh?

Screwdriver, yeah. Yes.

Yeah, and also the wire stripper. And
the wire strippers.

I don't suppose that was just Harry
dropping a beer mug.

Harry was nowhere near it, Mr. Bannar.

That was Barney, Mr.

Bannar, murdering my brand new
television set.

But stay tuned, because the next sound
you're going to hear is me murdering

Barney.

You think it didn't fall very far, Arch?
Maybe repairmen could fix it.

Bonnie, a whole swarm of Jap engineers
couldn't do nothing about that set.

I got an idea.

Don't make me laugh.

We put it back in the box, take it down
to Marty. You got your 16 -day warranty,

right? Okay. It says that within 16
days, if anything happens to it, TV

will replace or repair it free.

You think it'll work?

Just don't let Marty look in the box.

I ain't exactly honest.

We know that, Harry. We ain't exactly
children around here.

The only important question is, will it
work?

Enjoy. Go ahead.

Hiya there, Marty. We're back at Barney.
Yes, up in the city.

Oh, yeah?

Hiya there, Marty.

You see, we ran into a little problem
here.

Archie's set doesn't work. What's the
matter?

Don't let him look in the box.

Don't look in the box.

I ought to look in the box. You want to
put it down there? Why do you want to

look in the box? We already looked in
the box.

It just may be a fuse or something like
that, that's all.

Archie's looking in the box. Is he,
Bobby?

Boys, boys, boys.

So we bumped it a little.

Bumped? It looks like you pushed it off
the World Trade Center.

He didn't drop it from any higher than
that. Hold it, hold it, Barney. Don't

we. I had nothing to do with it.

Your salesman dropped it off my bar.

Now, there's my warranty, Marty. I'll
let that do the talking for me. No

warranty covers product abuse.

Now, you could have used my delivery
service, but you, Archie, you were too

cheap. So you know what I say?

Case closed. Close? Marty, don't be
closing cases on me. I'm talking about

cases. Let me ask you this.

Have you ever heard of the firm...
Raoul, shouldn't you be working?

The firm Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz,
Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz and Chan.

Your attorneys.

And their cook.

That's exactly right, Marty. And they're
going to sue the wings over you.

Archie, come on, Archie. I get sued
every day. My lawyer is so busy, I had

get him a room in the courthouse just so
he could get some sleep.

Well, okay, Marty.

Then I'll see you in front of the judge.

And until then, everybody, she and...
Nothing.

Am I fired, Marty?

Of course not, Hefner. How could I fire
my star witness?

Why can't nothing ever go right for me?

Why didn't you just pay the delivery
charge?

Listen, it wasn't the money there. It
was just the livery guys. You know them.

They always scratch stuff.

You didn't want the set scratched?

That's rich.

I'm going to call up Caruncili and tell
him that you were laughing at his oldest

client. All right. And don't do anything
excessive, Bunker.

Look, just stop payment on the check.

What check? I paid him cash.

Why?

Because Marty gave me 2 % off on a
French $15.

Good God, if he doesn't miss a trick.

You know, as dumb as I know you were
about this, I'd love to nail that guy.

You know Marty?

Oh, yeah. I bought my Uncle Abe a clock
radio there.

Then I spent six months taking it back,
trying to get it fixed.

No matter what time he said it for, it
always went off at 4 a .m.

My Uncle Abe would call me and ask why I
was trying to kill him.

All right, let's get back to this guy
Marty now. How are we going to get him?

Do what you threatened to do, sue him.
Ah, come on, sue him. It'll cost me an

arm and a leg. No, no, no, not if you
took him to small claims court.

It costs less than $5 to file.

And hey, if Marty doesn't show up, you
win automatically.

Sounds like odds I could live with.

I don't want to have to pay your fees in
court.

No.

You'll represent yourself.

Of course.

I'll go along with you.

I wouldn't miss it.

Well, maybe I could do that. You know,
I'm my own lawyer. Hey, I've seen Perry

Mason enough. I used to watch him for
years before he went into the wheelchair

and was pushed around by the colored
guy.

Bunker, the legal world is waiting for
your debut.

Now, don't forget, Barney's testimony is
going to be very important.

Oh, well, then we're in.

Barney's one of my oldest and closest
friends there.

I know you won't let me down.

I knew you'd let me down.

Arch, I gotta tell the truth. Also, I
gotta keep my job.

Archie, baby, look, I'm sorry it had to
come to this, but since it did, I'm

going to clobber you.

Hey, I wouldn't be too sure.

You, who are you?

I know you.

You're the schlub who bought the clock
radio.

That's who I am.

He also happens to be my attorney.

Is that Rabinowitz?

That's right.

You should have brought Chan.

He seemed pretty confident there.

Ah, forget it, Bunker. He's just trying
to psych you out.

Yeah, I guess that's part of the drama.

While I certainly understand your
frustration at not

being able to collect on your dental
bills, Doctor, Your attempt to take back

Mrs. Scott's dentures by force while she
was still in the chair was a little

excessive.

Therefore, I am disallowing the medical
expenses for the bites she received.

You're dismissed.

Next case.

Archie Bunker, Voices TV Heaven, Marty
Marchetti, owner.

All persons connected to this case,
please come forward.

Get out of my way, Barney.

Principals and witnesses, stand up and
raise your right hands.

So help you God. I do. I

absolutely do, but that's speaking only
for myself.

Now in session, the case of Bunker v.

TV Heaven, Judge Anthony Barzini
presiding.

Object.

To what do you object, Mr. Bunker?

Ah, well, Judge, after all, you know.

There's a Marchetti sitting over there
and a Barzini up on the bench.

I mean, in the interest of what he
called a fairness there. I mean, don't

think this case is a little bit, not to
make a bad joke, a whopper -sided?

Prison. The man's going from small
claims court to prison.

Mr. Bunker, are you...

intimating that I would render a biased
decision because one of the litigants is

Italian? You see, they're all against
us. Hey, Bazzaro. I am not. I know, Mr.

Marchetti.

Mr. Bunker, you are asking for $428 to
replace a television set which you

from Mr. Marchetti. Would you please
tell me what happened?

Yes.

Your Honor, it started because I need a
brand new TV for my bar and grill Archie

Bunker's place on the other side of
Norton Boulevard. If you're ever in the

neighborhood, stop in for a white lunch,
anything you want on the house there,

Judge.

Wait for me.

Mr. Bunker.

It's my attorney here, Judge. He just
pinched the outside of my car.

Maybe he's warning you not to offer me a
bribe.

Oh, shut Jesus Christ, this is the last
thing that came into my head there. No,

I was just trying to, you know, the old
-fashioned way of passing the time of

day, you know, something nice to say
that, you know, if you scratched my

would wash you back.

I think it's pride, and I think it's
disgusting.

Mr. Marchetti, let's hear your side of
the story.

Well, your honor, here it is in a
nutshell. You see, this guy Bunker here

a TV set for me, only he didn't want to
pay the delivery charge.

Now, when he and his friend over here
went to install the set, they dropped

I got to object to that.

Yes, Mr. Bunker.

That man over there, Hafner, he ain't no
friend of mine.

Come on, Arch, have a heart.

I'm afraid of more. That man there,
Hafner, who's a suspect here, he was

for this man here, which I would call a
perpetrator, at the time of the scene of

the crime.

What is he talking about?

Hefner was a lifelong friend of Bunker,
and Hefner was on his lunch hour. He was

never on no lunch hour. He was on his
lunch hour.

Gentlemen, stop it.

Certainly, Your Honor.

The question here seems to be whether
Mr.

Hefner was on his employer's time or on
his own time when he dropped the set.

Go ahead, pal. Tell the judge.

I object to that man answering that
particular question.

Why?

Because he's going to lie.

What am I going to do with you?

Tell him to shut up.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Shut up.

Mr. Hebner, and please remember you are
under oath.

Were you or were you not on your lunch
hour on your own free time when you

delivered the television signal?

No, Your Honor, I was not on my lunch
hour.

What? He's right, Judge.

I have never known that man to lie.

Do you have anything to add, Mr.
Marchetti?

I'm going to check with my lawyer.

Very well.

I fined for Mr.

Bunker in the amount of $428.

And I have never rendered a decision
with greater regret. Will you please get

the hell out of here?

I assume that means that a raise is out
of the question.

Next case, Little Sisters of Hope versus
TV Heaven. Marty Marchetti, owner.

Let me have another one, will you,
Harry?

I've got no gainful employment to go to.

There you go. All set.

Hey, nice picture.

Good sound, too.

Now, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's do
that funny stuff again there.

Come on, will you? Gee, that ain't no
better than the old one. Oh, no. The old

one is working fine in my house.

Is this what your old set was doing?

Yes, the same as that one's doing there.

You should have called me.

That ain't the set.

It's your antenna.

You'll need a whole new setup.

A whole new set?

What is that going to run?

Well, for this area, it'll cost $150,
including installation, plus $425 .95

for the new set, plus $75 for delivery
and installation.

That comes to $650 .95.

To hell with it. Just write me a check
for $650.

$650. And I run out of that courtroom
thinking that I was ahead.

When the hell does justice break down in
this country? When did it all start,

huh? FDR, Jimmy Carter?