Original subtitles

Bruce, you see the card you hear?

You sign your name here on the card, and by the time you open the clock, you're

going to come to work.

Hmm?

Savvy? Sounds very simple to me.

Raul, you wind the clock Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Jose, wind the

Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. No, no, no, boss. I'm off every other

Saturday. But then Raul can wind it. But boss, I'm off every other Monday.

Then a chink can wind it.

But, boss, Bruce don't come in till the afternoon on Monday. Then Harry can

whine. Hold it. Hold it.

I thought we agreed to buy a real time clock.

Do you know how much one of these costs?

$149 .50.

Yes. Therefore, no.

Somebody's got to cut corners around here, you know. I guess it's got to be

You mean like that sign in your restroom?

Caution, only three sheets per customer?

Anybody who needs more should go home.

You know, one day, archaeologists will discover my bones chained to that bar,

holding a revolver to my head.

Don't argue with him.

What are you doing?

What's this?

Archie's special.

A free beer with every order of chicken croquettes.

Don't argue with him.

Honey, chicken croquettes was yesterday's special.

Don't argue with him.

Did anybody order the croquettes?

Three very old people.

He owns and manages this place. He doesn't know what the hell he's doing.

The place does good business. He makes money.

It's luck.

That is sheer luck.

I've been thinking about this for weeks.

There are a hundred things he could do to make things smoother around here.

There's menu planning.

There's new cooking systems. He's still suspicious of the electric can opener.

He can't learn anything new.

Honey, there are whales at Marineland that have learned how to play

You know something? I think we ought to get rid of that electrical channel.

Sit in the office.

What's with him?

Don't argue with him.

Why are you looking for an argument with me?

Bunker, do you know why I come here every week?

Yeah, to gobble free bagels and grope my niece.

Besides that.

I'd like to think that I'd help out with some of the minor details around here,

you know?

Like the bills, the taxes, the ordering. Yeah, yeah, come on, get to the point,

huh? The point is, we need some changes around here. Ah.

And you know those magazines I brought in, Restaurant Guidelines, Today's Food

World? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've seen them.

Where are they?

They're propping up the short leg of that desk.

You know, Bunker, there's hundreds of ideas in those magazines that are

to save time, energy, and money.

One of them has this whole article just on condiment dispensers.

Hey, hey, hey.

I ain't putting one of them dirty things into my restrooms.

Bunker, I'm talking about condiments.

You don't put pickle relish in a restroom.

know what the hell you're talking about.

All I know is it'd cost money and no dice.

All right. All right.

Bottom line.

Now, this very important client of mine. Oh, come on. Come on. What are you

talking about? Your firm don't give you no important clients.

That's why they give you me.

Nevertheless, this client of mine from the Restaurant Association runs a two

-day management seminar. I hate seminars.

Oh, it's at a beautiful hotel up in the Poconos.

I can't be a good idea if you took the course. I hate courses. You learn all

little tricks of management. I hate management.

All I know is running things, see?

And I run a business here. I've been running it quite a while. I run it

good. Without any screw -ups that I can't easy cover up.

No screw -ups? That's right.

How about the 50 ,000 swizzle sticks that you ordered?

I got them out of steel. That was a hedge against inflation.

And that discount butcher that sold you live chickens?

Hey, hey.

That would have worked very good.

Only my menials out there started to cry every time I had a choke of chicken.

What have you got against trying to modernize a little bit? It's 1983.

Why do people keep telling me what year it is, huh?

Gee, they started that back in 1980.

Bunker, it's 1980. Then it was 1981.

Bunker, it's 1982. It's 1983 now. Why do you tell me that? Because you're still

back in 1940.

Well, let me tell you something. That was a better year than this here one.

should have been there.

Hi, honey.

Is your uncle in? Uh -huh.

Okay, I got these pamphlets, and listen to this.

I talked to my client, Teresa Forbes, you know, the lady that runs that

And as a special favor to me, she's agreed to come by just to talk to

This is gonna be a fun day.

I mean, at this point, I'll try anything.

Hope springs eternal.

Mary, now I know that Bunker can be changed.

Why don't people try harder?

When people run into a stone wall, they usually stop.

The moneymaker of the 80s.

Melted nacho chips.

Harry, are you ashamed letting this little man carry a load like that, huh?

Bunker, I'd like to talk. Hold it, hold it, hold it, please. Don't bring up none

of that education crap, Paula, no more.

Do you know something?

I'm almost at a point where I'm sick of education.

Look at these pamphlets. Oh, the pamphlets.

This one lists classes in buying, classes in inventory. Look, there's even

class in advertising. The whole world is going nuts on classes. Am I right,

Harry? Anything you say, Arch.

You know, they got classes nowadays to have aerobic things, but taking more air

in.

Who the hell needs more air?

They even got classes where you go underwater to learn how to talk to

I think you mean dolphins.

A fish is a fish.

No, no, no.

Please don't bring up that argument from this morning.

Now, that's an end to it. I ain't going to spend no costly weekend up at a

Poconos just to learn how to bake a potato.

Hello. Oh, Teresa.

Excuse me, but you must be the manager.

Yeah, I'm the manager. I'm the owner, Archie Bunker. What can I do for you?

nice to meet you.

I'm Teresa Forbes from the Restaurant Association.

Oh, how do you... Oh, wait a minute. Hold it. Hold.

Is this your client from the Restaurant Association who was telling me to give

the classes?

Uh -huh.

Well, you listen to me about this.

Well, excuse me, but you're the beautifulest teacher I've ever seen.

Thank you. Oh, nothing of it.

Sit down, will you, please? All right. May I take your coat, then?

Thank you.

Oh,

listen.

I got a whole bunch of your magazines back in the office.

Really? They're so, what do you call, informational.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, you three got nothing to do.

Oh, you ought to be some refreshment.

Oh, coffee would be nice.

Oh, certainly. Harry, we need a cup of coffee. Cream and sugar, right?

How did you know?

Oh, well, my business is part of these things.

They tell me you're throwing some kind of a shindig up in the Poconos.

Yes, this weekend.

Oh, gee.

I'll bet it's going to be beautiful up there.

I think you'd really like it.

Would I?

Oh, sure.

Let me show you a picture.

I've got a funny feeling Archie's going to this conference.

How do you know?

In my business, you spot these things.

That is beautiful.

Thank you.

You know, I always say, the closer a man gets to education, the

better off he is.

Well, now I'd like to hear some ideas from you.

Oh, Mr. Langerman.

Well, besides what you have listed, I always check around with other

to see what's popular.

Now, if I find one particular item, I'll offer it on a limited basis and see

what their response is.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Geez, everybody does that, pal.

Mr. Bunker, what about you?

Ah, me? I ain't got no ideas.

Surely you must. A restaurant the size of yours?

Yeah, well, there's, you know, one or two things that I do. I got this one

gimmick, see?

If I don't know anything about an item, see, I take it on the dish, I put it

under the nose of one of my customers, Mr. Van Rensselaer.

Well, he don't know even what it looks like because this happens to be a blind

guy.

But what a nose.

This man once smelt a dead cat clean around a corner from the barn.

So, if he don't like it, I don't saw it. But if he likes it, then it goes.

You know? Yeah.

You know, you look terrific up there.

Thank you.

It looks like the time is up for this session.

Oh, all right.

I'll sit down again.

Would you?

But we are going to meet right here tomorrow morning to continue.

In the meantime, you're welcome to take some refreshments. And later on, you're

all invited to our getting -to -know -you party. It's in the Tropic Room, and

hope to see you all there. Thank you very much.

Goodbye, everybody.

I didn't say nothing wrong in here, did I, Teresa?

Of course not, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, hey, don't call me Mr. Bunker. I mean, I'm calling you Teresa. Can't you

call me Archie?

All right, Archie.

I really wanted to thank you for your participation.

Your methods are a little wild, but I just love your sense of humor.

You know what I love?

What?

I love to see a beautiful woman...

Who's in charge.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Say, are we going to see you at the party tonight?

Oh, yeah, that's right. You mentioned a party here. Well, would you plan on

being at that?

Of course.

It's the best way to get to know people.

How the hell would people know you?

I mean, I didn't mean that. I just mean that, you know, there's nobody here I

particularly want to get to know.

There isn't one person here you'd like to get to know? Yeah, yeah, there is

yeah. Who?

Well, you.

Okay.

those old songs, don't you? Sure, because they're so romantic.

Whatever happened to romance?

Ah, who the hell knows?

Oh, well, here we are.

Oh, hey, come on.

Hey, let me do it up here, huh?

Well,

it's your room. Come on in.

Now, you see?

I knew you... You'd enjoy that party. Oh, I had a hell of a time there.

But you know one thing? I've done it. I've never done it before. I've never

drunk booze out of a coconut.

When you put that little umbrella on your head and you're saying pennies from

heaven. It was funny, huh?

Oh, but I got another gag order. See, it has them laying on the floor. I play a

wowish. You know, I push drawers up my nose.

I have some fascinating pamphlets here on deep fryers.

Oh, the deep fryers, yeah. Well, you know, to tell you the truth, I just

a new one of these.

We could always discuss the advantages of cloth napkins over paper.

Listen, I'll take the cloth over the paper, you know, anytime, so no

You know, I have a...

Great recipe for cheese puffs.

Oh, yeah. Well, I love cheese puffs, and I got to get that recipe from you

before I leave. But to tell you the truth, I don't want to talk about food

restaurants.

What do you want to talk about?

I hate talk.

I don't mean that. I mean that I never could talk sitting

on the bed.

French toast.

Oh, it's good. Very good.

But it's a little weird, you know, having it with strawberries.

I never put fruit on bread before.

How do you do that?

Oh, home, we have a plane.

One of my nieces, you know, punches holes in them with a fork so it sucks up

the cereal. That's what I like.

Tim, I can't miss that morning session.

Oh, hey, hey, Teresa, I could miss that like that, you know.

You look swell.

Oh, you're sweet.

And you are swell.

So are you.

And you know what I was thinking?

You live in New York. I live in New York. So the two of us, we could get

together. We could be doing this all the time.

Well, I didn't mean exactly like... What I meant was the two of us, we could

have a lot of swell times.

I'm going to tell you something, Teresa.

The minute you walked into that bar and I first seen you, I got a feeling come

over me quick.

It never happened that way before.

Really? Yeah. I mean, yeah, really, really.

I've got a class.

Oh, come on. Can't you be late for the class?

And there's the phone. I hate them.

phone.

Hello? Yes, Brandon, what's wrong?

Oh, they're in your closet right next to your clothes hamper.

Yeah. Okay, have fun. Brandon, be sure that you and Jennifer do all your

homework before you go anywhere.

And be sure Mrs. Bertram knows where you're at.

Okay. See you tomorrow.

Bye -bye.

You talking to a couple kids there?

Uh -huh.

Yours?

Yes. Oh, oh, oh.

You're divorced, huh?

No.

Your husband died?

No.

Well, you ain't divorced.

And you ain't a widow.

What the hell was we doing here?

Making love.

Married people ain't supposed to be doing that.

I didn't mean that. I meant that you know what I mean.

I don't feel married anymore.

You don't feel married?

When did that feeling come over you? Last night?

No. A long time ago.

But, Teresa, the kids and your husband, is he living there with you in the

house?

I didn't expect this.

I'm really surprised.

But I'm not ashamed.

Oh, well, Teresa, I am.

I am ashamed.

Then I'm sorry about that.

I guess I better get back into New York.

Archie...

Do you think it's done?

Yeah, it should be ready by now.

Nah, it's still ticking.

We've got to do something else. Oh, no, no, no. We're guilty enough already.

Let's get Bruce to do something.

Bruce,

there's a fly on the clock.

The boss, the boss.

Oh, boss, I want to sit up.

That's okay, Bruce. Hey, won't you take the rest of the day off?

Where did I hit that fly?

Charles, there was no fly.

Listen, Harry, I don't... Hey, Bunker, what are you doing back? You're supposed

to be up at the conference.

Well, I left.

You left?

Yes, I left. The whole thing was... kind of a disappointment.

Are you telling me that you didn't pick up anything at that conference?

What the hell do you mean by that crack?

Nothing. I just meant, didn't you learn anything that would make the business

better? Yes.

I learned never to listen to you.

You know your problem, Bunker?

You refuse to give anything new a chance.

I mean, if you make up your mind that something's not right for you, you just

turn your back on it.

When for all you know, it could be the best thing in the world for you.

You're right.

I am?

Yeah. So shut up.