Original subtitles

Good morning, Shirley.

Good morning, Harry.

Hi, Art.

What is this?

Is that your morning greeting or is that your chronic drug, Aelitis?

Give me a break.

I had a long, frustrating night last night.

Hey, just because you're outlaid, carousing with some dame you can't make

with, don't lay that off on me.

I was here last night, carousing with three drunks till 2 a .m.

You know what it's like listening to 87 choruses of Luck Be A Lady tonight?

Well, listen, it could be worse, you know, when I am here and they're giving

it's up to you, New York, New York.

And that's all, you know, I nearly threw up.

I'm tired.

I've been tired for weeks.

We need a relief bartender. I need more time off.

Time off for what? Come on, Harry.

You finish your day's work here. You drive home. You watch a little TV. You

to tell it. You go to bed.

Hey, what the hell, Walker? The man wanting a line of happiness.

You got Raul filling in.

He ain't making it, Arch.

Harry, between you and Raul, me, we got three bartenders. We got enough

bartenders. You know, case closed.

What case are you closing this time, Bunker?

Why is it whenever I hear a smart remark, I turn around and see your face?

There's another part of my anatomy I could show you.

Good.

Then show it to me as you head for New York.

May I ask them again for a regular part -time bartender? Well, if you want my

opinion, I think we need one.

If you want my opinion, I don't want your opinion.

Gentlemen, here's a final opinion.

You get me a relief bartender, or I give you my notice.

Ah, listen to this guy. Gee, what a baby he is. The minute he don't get his way,

he's all for handing in his notice.

Look, Bunker, what have you got against hiring somebody else?

They don't want to pay anybody else.

That ain't it. That ain't it, Harry.

You know me.

It's never a question of money with me.

But in which you ain't got no idea of how excruciating it is to break down a

employee.

Yeah.

Take the Chinaman there. What, do you think he was born with that fly swatter

his head?

I know. He owes his career to you.

You train a new relief bartender or you train a new permanent one. It's your

choice. Will you cut it out? You know damn well you ain't gonna quit.

I quit.

Bye, guys. Bye, Harry. All right. All right. All right, Harry.

Geez, all right. I'll get another guy.

I don't know where the hell I'm gonna get one.

But I guess there must be one uncomplaining illegal in the city of New

knows how to pour a drink.

Hey, senores.

Uh, any new arrivals over the boats?

Uh, well, fuck it.

Wait a minute.

Using illegals back in the kitchen, that's one thing, but right up front?

Uh -uh.

You're gonna have to go union. Oh, no, no. He's right, Arch.

You can wind up with three laps.

City, state, and federal.

He's right.

You're right. He's right. You're right. When the hell am I gonna be right?

Still time.

Here he comes.

Oh, well, well, well.

Ray, this is Archie Bunker.

Oh, I take it you're the union rep, huh? Yeah, right. I'm Ray Morelli.

Oh, Morelli. Well, well. Come on, sit down.

Oh, what do you mean?

Yeah,

right. I picked up all of the lingo over in Italy during WWII.

Morelli. Well, I knew it had to be something like Morelli.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, I mean, most of you Union officials nowadays is Italian. Long ago

be the Irish, then it was the Jews. Nowadays it's Jews.

Hey, I made a little poetry today.

I made a little poetry today.

Hey, can I get you something? Hi, a little refreshment, huh?

I got some grappa, a little guinea bread.

How about a club soda?

Uh -huh. I'll carry a seltzer for him. I'll take a coffee.

Well, hey, you know, this is something.

You're running around town in a nippy suit trying to look honest.

Better get Rabinowitz out here.

Trying to look honest.

I don't sound too nice.

What did I say?

It's kind of like an insult to my nationality.

Oh! No, no, no. Geez, I didn't mean nothing like that.

All I meant to say is that you guys come a long way, you know, from the days

when you was getting mowed down in front of fruit stands.

Hi, I'm Gary Rabinowitz, the business manager. I'm Ray Morelli. Yeah, this

is Ray Morelli. Hey, you got to be very tactful, you know, with this guy. You

know how you sometimes get very touchy about being Jews?

He's the same way about being a Dago.

Thanks for the warning.

So, you need another bartender? Yes, sir. Let me do the talking, huh?

All I need is a guy, you know, part -time to fill in for my main man.

These are some of the top people on our hiring list.

Take a look.

Would you mind?

Let's see who you got here.

Abdul Mohammed.

Tyrone Washington.

Willie Jackson.

Are these guys bartenders or part of a basketball team?

Mr. Morelli, what Mr. Bunker means is... I think I know exactly what he means.

That's what I was afraid of.

I think I got exactly what you're looking for.

Ten years experience, white, stable work record. And mention white.

Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. I was very impressed by that.

What's the name?

Name's Pat McBride.

I guess that's fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

Hey, Arch, the new bartender's here.

What does he look like?

Cute, very cute.

What the hell did they do? Send me an Irish fag.

Don't be looking at me.

Where the hell is he?

Right here.

This ain't a car, eh?

I noticed.

This is the owner, Archie Bunker. Arch, meet Pat McBride.

Hello, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, hi.

Pat McBride from the bartender's union?

That's right.

Oh, well, I think something must have got, what do you call, misconscrued.

I asked the bartender.

I am a bartender.

You don't get what I mean, sis. You know, I don't need just a pretty girl

going to clean up the glasses and stuff and the straws and the umbrellas. I need

a bartender.

I see.

You mean like a man bartender.

I didn't say that.

But yeah.

Name a drink.

Oh, come on. Name any drink. I'll tell you how to make it. Honey, I ain't got

time. Go on. Try me.

Okay.

Sidecar. An ounce and a half of brandy, a half ounce of Cointreau, a half ounce

of lemon juice, shaken well with cracked ice and served into a cocktail glass.

Close.

That was perfect.

All right, go make me one.

Brandy and Cointreau in the back bar, lemon juice under the bar on the right,

cracked ice under the bar on the left.

Why are you helping her? She's got to know where the stuff is.

Why are you pushing for a woman, huh?

I'm sick and tired of all this feminism in the ERA. I thought we was all through

with dance.

We had the most brilliant woman in the country, Mrs. Phyllis Shoofly.

Running her tail off throughout the 48, trying to kill that thing, and I thought

she killed it dead.

Why are you bringing it back?

A sidecar.

Mr. Bunker, I've been tending bar for ten years.

I can make over 200 drinks.

I know what goes in them, what to pour them in, and how to serve them.

I tell jokes, I'm a good listener, an avid sports fan, and I've thrown out my

share of drunks.

I think you should hire the young lady.

Pat, this is the best martini I've ever had.

Thanks, Mr. Van Aar.

Yeah, Mr. Van Aar, complaining about his drink down there.

I suppose yours is lousy, too.

No. My grasshopper is terrific.

Don't tell Harry, but I think she mixes a better drink than he does.

Ah, what do you know?

If I put it in a frosted glass for you, you'd drink dishwater.

If she was serving it, I'd drink tidy bowl.

You're a dirty guy, Barney.

Hey, Arch, what did the Knicks do last night?

Oh, I wouldn't know. Red Holtzman didn't call me up with the result.

Hubie Brown's the coach.

They beat the Pistons in double overtime.

Westfall won it with a three -point shot at the buzzer.

Gee, I never heard anything so dumb in my life. Excuse me, Lord.

Three points.

Gee, even a girl ought to know that a basket in basketball is two points, not

three.

Unless it's shot from on or beyond the line, 23 feet, 9 inches from the basket.

Got you there, Arch.

Yeah, well, I would all due respect to you, Mr. Bernard. I happen to think that

that's a stupid rule.

I mean, even a giant collared guy couldn't dunk one from way out there.

Why are you getting sore about it, son? You didn't mean you.

That's $1 .80.

Here you are. Thanks a lot.

Wait a minute. I gave you a $20.

No, sir. You gave me a $10.

Oh, I know it was a $20.

It was a $10. I saw it.

Uh, well, wait a minute. Excuse me.

Having some difficulties, sir?

This guy said he gave me a $20 bill, but it was a $10.

I'm asking the man here.

Continue, sir.

The $20 had March 3rd, 10 o 'clock reading on it. I made a doctor's

today. And had nothing else to write on.

All right, we'll see about that. Excuse me, please.

Well,

here it is.

Here it is, sir. I guess we owe you an apology.

And ten dollars.

Yeah, ten dollars.

Archie, the guy's conning you.

What are you talking about? Here was his bill right in the drawer.

He asked me to change that 20 -form a few minutes ago.

Listen, let me tell you something.

You're just like all women. You just get under pressure. You just get confused.

Excuse me, huh?

Hey, there you are. So sorry we didn't convince you.

No problem.

It was an honest mistake. Yeah, I know. Honest, yeah, but dumb.

I'll bet he never made an easier 10 fucks.

Hey. You know, it's no sense taking that attitude.

Let me tell you something. We've got a policy here. We don't shortchange the

customers. Of course, when we do that, you know, we lose customers.

You learned a lesson working here today?

Yes. Well, maybe you can use it on your next job, Corsette. You're true here.

And don't give me that women are confused stuff. She seemed to know

was going on.

And I bet that guy was a con man.

Listen, if the guy was a con man, I'd be $10 short and a till, wouldn't I?

Arch, you're $10 short and a till.

Tell that again, huh?

I did.

You got exactly $375 and a doctor's appointment March the 3rd.

I knew it. Now call up Pat and apologize.

If you're lucky, she'll come back.

Morning, Mr. Bunker. Oh, hi there, Morelli.

This is Ben Prescott.

Oh, you brought the guy.

Harry, your relief bartender's over here.

Mr. Bunker, I'm an attorney.

Oh, listen, hey, you're moonlighting. I don't give a damn. It's hard times. A

lot of people are doing that nowadays.

Go behind the bar. Help Harry cut the oranges there. Start getting the swizzle

sticks and the straws ready for the drinks.

No, no, Bunker.

Prescott's a lawyer for the union.

Mrs. McBride's filed a formal complaint against you with the Equal Employment

Opportunities Commission.

Here's your notice to appear before the grievance committee.

Mrs. McBride is charging you with wrongful termination based on sex

discrimination. On sex?

What the hell are you talking about?

I never touched that woman.

Except if he wants her twice behind the bar brushing thighs.

Appear on the date indicated.

Oh, well, my God. This ain't the America that I was born and raised and fought

and died for.

Not no more.

Sure. Sure, Bunker, go ahead and ignore the union.

But then it'll go to court and you could be fined very heavily for this. Will

you tell me something, please?

When the hell did I lose my constitutional right to hire and fire

want?

We got that right by a three -to -one vote of our four boys.

You got the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of money, and you can use a

gun if you want.

I guess we're lucky you didn't shoot her.

Maybe you ought to bring that up with the green machine.

Look, Bunker, we are going to settle this.

Now, if we hire her back, she might drop the charges.

No, no, no. Oh, absolutely not. I refuse to do that on the grounds of

principles.

Why do I have to hire somebody that I don't want, huh? Can you give me one

reason? I can give you plenty.

There's court fees and time. This thing can run into hundreds, maybe thousands

of dollars.

Oh, well, for God's sakes, how the hell do you expect me to maintain my

principles when you mention money?

Remember, be nice.

I'm always nice.

Where's your mother?

Who are you?

I'm Mr. Bunker. We don't know you.

You know, it ain't nice to slam a door in a person's face

there, huh?

Why would a kid do that?

Instinct. Oh, it's you.

What are you, a boy here? You just slammed the door right in my face.

Cattle tail.

You're not supposed to let in undesirables.

Boys, go play in your room.

See the way kids answer back nowadays, huh?

Mrs. McBride, I'm Gary Rabinowitz. I'm Mr. Bunker's lawyer.

How do you do? Come in. Thank you. Please, have a seat.

Thank you very much.

Well, this is a very nice place you have here, Mrs. McBride.

Thank you. Leave me, will you?

That's what I'm going to say here, you know.

It's a very nice place you got here.

It's a very nice place you got here.

Could you please tell me what you want?

Well, I mean, I just come to say that, you know, I was expecting a he -pat

there, not a she -pat.

I mean, it's all a fault of your union rep.

Mr. Bunker, the word bartender is a non -sexist word.

Well, that's the problem there, see, because, I mean, I didn't know. If he

said a bartenderess, then I would have known who he was.

And then you wouldn't have seen me in the first place.

Well, no.

Yeah, I mean, say something here. Why? I'm enjoying this.

All right. All right. Look, Mrs. McBride. Pat.

Pat. We both know that you didn't shortchange that customer. And frankly,

came here to apologize for the misunderstanding and ask you to come

work. If I drop the grievance?

Well, sure you don't want to make trouble, do you?

You're unfair.

You deserve to have trouble.

Is that what you want out of life, Pat? Trouble?

No. No, I want to work. I want to live.

Well, I think we could talk Mr.

Bunker into letting you live.

I don't mind.

So why don't you come back to the bar?

I don't think so.

I don't want to work for him.

Somebody's always looking over my shoulder, waiting for me to make a

I do make them occasionally.

Well, yeah, I know that. I mean, that's only human. Everybody makes mistakes.

I've made one or two.

Just since we got here.

Ah, come on, let's cut through all this and get to the point.

I need a bartender over there. I need a good bartender. And you're a good

bartender. So, you want to wait?

Do you agree to treat me like any other employee?

I wouldn't settle for that.

Listen, I'll treat you as good as any man.

Can you do better than that?

Probably, but I need the job.

All right, I'll give it another try.

That's great. And you'll drop the grievance?

And I'll drop the grievance. Oh, swell, swell.

This time.

Well, that's fine.

Come by tomorrow and we'll work out a schedule. Okay.

Yeah, that's right. Come on by tomorrow. We work out a schedule there.

By the way, what about the two little boys who hate me?

I mean, you might be working nights. How are you going to look after them?

Oh, I'll figure something out.

That's what we women have to do now.

Figure things out, make things work.

We only have to hope that there are nice guys like you around to help us do it.

Well, uh, always glad to help.

Good night.

Night.

Wait, wait.

What's this in here about nice guys like me, huh? I mean, was that a shot?