Original subtitles

Take a look at this, and don't pretend you don't know what it is. I could never

put one over on you, Barney. It's a letter.

Yeah, and what I want to know is why I got it.

Well, my guess is the post office delivered it. Happened to others,

Spare me your razor wit, and just read it.

It says you owe Archie's place $212 .40.

What else is new?

Read on.

And you gotta pay.

That's what's new.

Well, well, well, Barney, what's up with you?

This is what's up with me.

I haven't been this hurt since I discovered Blanche in the garage with

evangelist.

Well, this letter ain't right.

I knew that. It's a mistake, right?

Forbidden was done is all wrong.

Yeah, I'll get him.

Rabinois, Rabinois, get out here, will you? Come on, come on.

Uncle, why do you always call me like I was your dog?

If it was my dog, you'd do like I tell you.

But you don't.

Why did you send this letter?

Yeah.

Because you told me to.

I didn't tell you to send this.

Yeah, that's very, very insulting.

I told you to crack down on freeloaders. You call this cracking down on

freeloaders here?

Dear patron, your count is in the rears. I hate that boy, the rears.

Why?

Why? Because it goes in one of the rears and out the other one there.

What is this? We would appreciate your prompt response. I already know the

response. It's into the toilet and down with the chain.

Right, Barney? You bet.

Hey, you hear over here, huh?

This letter don't put the fear of God.

Into freeloaders like Bonnie.

Well,

you could always hire a hitman.

That's a very interesting idea.

Yeah, never mind, Bunker. I'll just redraft the letter.

Look, Arch, all this badinage aside, may I assume that my tab will be extended?

No.

When you've had your exercise for the day, maybe we could finish the

Oh, Marsha, I've had it with these Mickey Mouse cases.

I'm just not getting anywhere.

Here are the depositions on the Patnick case. Thanks, Chan.

Oh, and Marsha, when you're through here, I have dictation in my office.

Yes, Mr. Chan.

Look, Marsha, you write the letter. I'm not paid for ghost writing.

I don't know what to say to a man who wants to sue his fiance for fraud

she neglected to tell him about an operation she had years before they even

She had herself changed from a man to a woman.

This is not a small thing.

Hey, Junior.

Barry, you don't call an experienced attorney Junior.

I never do.

Brother one, Junior nothing.

Marsha, it's not too late for you to become a dental hygienist.

All right, what's on your mind there? I will be kind, but to the point, once

again, you have messed up. I did not. How?

You remember the Svensson family smorgasbords?

Well, your recommendation could ruin them.

Oh, no.

Uh -uh. This time you're wrong. Now, selling to TransAllied is the best

move for the Svensson.

And the contract, the perfect, I'd stake my reputation on it. What reputation?

You are known as the push McGeaghy who handles Archie Bunker. The point is,

again, you blew it.

You know, Barry, you're always doing this to me, but you're not going to

me this time. Because I happen to know I did a good job on this.

Right, Marsha?

What do I know? I'm going to be a dental hygienist.

See, kids, I'll be gone for the rest of the day, yo. Thanks for the warning,

Uncle Nate.

I have an important appointment on the first tee at the country club.

Four.

Don't work too hard.

You believe that guy?

It's 11 o 'clock he's leaving. For Nate, that's a long day.

As usual, I'm going to be left running the office.

Here we go again.

Well, it's true.

Uncle Abe is in the Catskills. Uncle Saul is in Puerto Rico. So that leaves

with Shan, who believes that Miss Demeanor is one of the secretaries.

Well, don't get carried away, Barry. Uncle Abe will be back this afternoon.

That's right. And he will straighten you out on the Svensson case. He trusts

Gary. That's why he gave him the chance to prove himself on the Svensson case.

And I came through with flying colors.

Well, Counselor, since you know so much about the case, then you must know about

the Bradley brothers.

The Bradley Brothers?

The Bradley Brothers.

Of course I know about the Bradley Brothers.

How could I not know about the Bradley Brothers?

Excuse me, Mr. Rabinowitz. Yes, Lillian. I was talking to Mr.

Rabinowitz, sweetheart.

Yes, Lillian.

Your 11 o 'clock is here.

Thank you, Lillian. I will be right out.

Now, Counselor.

Since you're so familiar with the Bradley brothers. You'll be late for

appointment, Barry.

Thank you, Marsha.

Remember who's going to be made a partner next week, Marsha. And who

salaries.

Have a nice day, Mr.

Rabinowitz.

Did you hear that?

A partner. Does that mean no more Mr. Nice Guy?

There's something that bothers me more.

Who the hell are the Bradley brothers?

Uncle Abe, Barry has you all fired up about this for nothing.

Fired up? Do I look fired up? Not at all. As a matter of fact, you look very

well, Uncle Abe.

The food and the cat skills obviously agreed with you.

The derma agreed.

The herring appealed to a lower course.

Let's get on with it. I'm a busy man.

Of course you are. Yeah, too busy for this.

Sit.

Barry says we have a problem with the Svensson sale.

Believe me, Uncle Abe, there's no problem.

Now, I investigated every offer, and I've advised Nils Benson to sell his

restaurants to trans -allied. That's how I felt.

It's a solid deal with a powerful conglomerate.

Oh, Barry, that's that. Shit.

You're both ignoring the Bradley brothers. Why are we ignoring the

brothers?

We are not ignoring the Bradley brothers.

God forbid. But I challenge you to tell us both exactly who, how,

These Bradley brothers are material to this negotiation.

Sit.

Who the hell are they?

Let me explain.

The year is 1967, and the Bradley brothers, Philip and Nestor, went into

catering business.

They were exceptionally talented, and they were ready to expand by 1969.

What are you doing, Barry?

This is your life, Philip the Nester?

Finish? It's a brilliant story. Submit it to the Reader's Digest.

Barry, I fail to see the relevance of any of this. I am getting to the

if you keep your mouth shut.

Write a memo. If it's more than a paragraph, give it to Nate. Uncle Abe, I

lot of research on this case, and I would appreciate your attention.

Barry, you always check up on your brother. That's not necessary.

Thank you, Uncle Abe. This time, I checked up on him. Then you both goofed.

might have goofed, but not me.

I'm the boss, remember?

They tell me.

Don't talk fresh, you little pitcher.

Where do you think you'd be without me? In Manhattan, working for a prestigious

firm. What is it, Barry?

Too much caffeine?

Not enough prunes?

I'm trying to warn you, Uncle Abe. There is a big problem here, and you're not

listening. Barry. Now, Uncle Abe and I have this under control. Will you try to

calm down?

I am calm. What the hell do you mean I'm not calm? Well, your face. That's not

exactly your normal shade of purple.

I like purple.

And if that's what it takes to get some attention around here, I'll gladly turn

purple. Barry, will you lighten up?

Did anyone hear the noise?

What's the problem, Nate? Did we disturb your after -golf nap?

What kind of uncle are you talking to, Junior?

Everybody's my uncle.

I don't like that tone.

You want to hear what I don't like? Maybe another time. I don't like working

harder than anybody else and not having anything to show for it, and I don't

like being interrupted.

You've been doing that to me since I was a kid, Uncle Abe, and I wish you'd stop

it. Let me interrupt. For one thing, I never interrupt.

Maybe I wasn't the most amusing child in the world, but if you would listen to

me now, maybe you'd learn something about the law.

I don't have to learn about the law, and I don't want to listen to lectures from

you. I think you do.

I think... Shut up!

This is where the noise was coming from.

All right, I'm leaving.

Good.

Here, get me another drink, will you, ladies? I'll join you. And that's

thing. You drink too damn much. Barry.

That does it.

Get out, ingrate.

Oh, I don't have to take this from a schmageggy like you.

Uncle A. Oh, my God.

Nate, call the paramedics.

Lillian, call the paramedics.

I'm going to have to do something.

He saved his life.

Lucky for him, you knew what to do.

Lucky for you too, Gary.

Uncle Abe's going to be mighty grateful.

I still can't believe I did it. Neither can anyone else.

I think I know how Abe is going to want to thank you for what you did, Gary.

Look, you keep your eye on things here in the office while we're gone.

It'll be good practice for you, partner.

You know, it's funny how we never really noticed you before.

Gary, I don't know what happened.

A heart attack.

Where you been? Believe me, I didn't mean to yell.

You yelled at Uncle Abe?

How could you? He's like a father to me. Would you butt out, Chan? I'm talking

to my brother.

You're the one that was responsible.

No, what do you mean? I didn't give him a heart attack. Look, now everybody,

Uncle Abe is going to be all right.

So there's really no sense in blaming anyone.

He's right.

We're all hysterical.

Sorry, Barry.

Buddy.

All right, look, let's just all go about our business and do whatever we were

doing before Barry caused the heart attack.

Thanks a lot.

I shouldn't have said that.

Oh, what the heck? He blew it.

You are going to be the new partner, Gary.

Chan, don't be silly.

All I did was save the man's life. Now, you're not supposed to get a partnership

for that, are you? Sure.

My people have a saying.

You save the life of a butcher and you eat sweet pork forever.

Not in this firm, Chan.

And today, at the hospital, my Uncle Abe actually smiled at me.

With his lips.

I mean, honey, the last time Uncle Abe smiled at anybody, he was an infant.

And it was gas pain.

He smiled today.

Need I say more, Billy? This is so incredible.

I mean, here my brother Barry's been waiting for this promotion more than a

year, and I'm the one who's gonna get it.

Because you saved your uncle's wife. That's right.

Well, no.

No, not just because of that. I also happen to be a damn good lawyer.

Better than your brother?

Well, I wouldn't say better.

I'm, uh, different.

But you're just as good?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure. I think I'm as good.

Well, then all I can say is...

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Excuse me, you know, for interrupting the sweet nothings here.

How about that letter I want you to write to my deadbeats? Yeah, don't

Bunker. I'll get to it. No, no, you don't have to do nothing. I've already

your job for you.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a genuine legal document, see, guaranteed to get me back

valuable money from the six or seven foreflushes that frequentuate this

They are loyal.

And they'll pay when they get the money.

I want to get paid before.

Now, this is how a real lawyer ought to operate. Read that.

Dear leeches.

Good, huh?

Taxable.

Pay up or else.

That's pretty clear, huh?

Get away with words.

And I'd done that without spending a day in law school.

Now, all you gotta do is sign that letter and send it out on your legal

Uh, no, Bunker.

I don't gotta do that.

See, from now on, I don't have to send letters I don't like. I don't have to

talk to people I don't like.

As a matter of fact, I don't really have to be around here.

What? So, I quit.

Come on, Rabinovich. Come on. You're always quitting, dear. I mean it.

Now, listen. Don't you dare walk through that door.

Now, you get back into that office, Gary Rabinovich, and you do exactly what I

tell you to do.

And that last remark was absolutely uncalled for.

He never had the nerve to do that to me.

Only his poor Uncle Abe is laying up there in the hospital.

And if you was me, wouldn't you run up there and tell his Uncle Abe what he'd

done? No.

Good.

Then that's exactly what I'm going to do.

No, no, no, I'm sorry. No, Mr.

D, you're the only immediate family. I'm sorry.

Ah, come on, I am immediate family.

You are Rabinowitz?

That's right.

Menachem Rabinowitz.

Look at me on the list. If I ain't there, write me in.

It's your broker.

And they said no stress.

Hi there, Wade.

Geez, you're looking terrible.

All right. At least you ain't got the hoses up your nose.

That's what always scares me, them hoses.

What are you doing here, Archie?

I wouldn't have come at all, Abe, except it's a matter of life and death.

Forget that, forget that.

I'm trying.

Get on with it.

Yes.

Listen, Abe, it's about your nephew, Gary.

He quit on me.

He's entitled.

He saved my life.

Hey, thank God for that.

I don't know what to make of that young fellow, you know. Would you believe that

at times...

He treats me like I was a doper.

Really?

I gotta have somebody with me there, Abe, you know, so you gotta help me.

Your dear wife, Edith, God rest her soul, she made me promise to look after

Unfortunately, I'm a man of my word.

What would you like me to do?

I'd like you to get Gary to come back to me.

Crawl him, if possible.

I can't make him do anything, but I will speak with him.

Thanks, Abe. That's all I ask.

Will you do me a favor, please, little one?

Anything at all, Namus.

Will you please take this pan away from me?

Nice. Nice.

This is for you.

Now that the pep rally is over, we can announce

our new law partner.

And I'm excited by the choice. Not enough to have another heart attack,

Oh, don't worry, Uncle Abe.

Jerry's here. Thank you, Chad.

If I need another resuscitation, Sheila here will be able to take care of it.

Now back to business.

Look, Uncle Abe, may I say something, please?

Sure.

Uncle Abe, fellow relatives,

I, uh... I stand before you a hero in your eyes.

I... I can appreciate how grateful Uncle Abe is to me for

saving his life, but... Actually, I would have done the same for Uncle Nate,

Lillian, Marsha, Chan.

Yes.

Even you, Barry.

I guess the thing I'm trying to say is I only did what anybody would do who

happened to know CPR.

And I don't think that that's a very good reason for making me the new

I didn't. Barry is a much more experienced attorney.

He's had ten long years with...

You didn't?

You're a good boy, Sid.

Barry was right.

The Bradleys were material in our case. Why?

Well, the Bradleys, as well as the Svensons, sold their business to trans

-allied. Well, what happened? Well, you've seen those fellas playing the

ukuleles to the crowds on Steinway Street?

The Bradley brothers?

And they're monkey.

Now, Barry, I'm not in love with your tantrums, but welcome, partner.

Thank you, Uncle Abe.

Excuse me.

Keep your head down and your eye on the ball.

And you're right about another case, too.

Whose? Mine.

You said I drank too much, and the doctors have confirmed it.

Gary, try to work with your brother.

He has what it takes to be an eminently successful lawyer. A strong voice and a

suspicious mind.

And now, everybody, to Nate's office.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Uncle Nate. Let's have a drink.

Gary.

Gary, listen.

I know life sometimes seems unfair, but...

We really have a lot to be thankful for.

Look at us. I mean, me, I've got the new partnership.

But you, you've got Bunker.

Hi,

Bunker.

Well, well, well, well, see, look who's calling back.

If it ain't the Jewish paramedic.

That's right.

Listen.

The only reason I'm taking you back is because your Uncle Abe begged me to.

Remind me to thank him.

You didn't get the promotion, did you?

Gee, what a shame.

Well, you know that's fine.

You bring a man back from the jaws of death.

Well, what do you get for it?

You.

Yeah, because like the Bible says, no good deed will go unpunished.

I know.