Original subtitles

You know something?

Mr. Regan could go down as our greatest president.

But it's all up to you, Snigger Rubens.

Oh, look at this. Look, Bruce. He's got a thousand flies.

Now, don't tell me we got him, Bruce.

Just get rid of him before the customers come in, huh?

These Orientals, they love catching flies.

Look, I don't understand why you're so upset.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

But you asked me to join you and Carolyn on the double date.

Yeah, but you were supposed to bring somebody.

Did you listen to these two guys always at each other's throats? They never

should have started living together.

Hey, you two guys quit living together.

That's okay with me.

Can you believe it, Arch?

I finally find a girl to help ease the pain of my separation from Alice.

And he insists on tagging along.

Even walked into the door with me last night trying to horn in on a goodnight

kiss.

You notice something a little sick about that, Barney?

I happen to know she wanted me.

She kept winking at me all night.

The woman has a tick, Barney.

I don't understand, Barney. How come you just didn't get your own pick?

I tried.

I went through my whole address book. But every woman I called was either

washing her hair or the bearer of an unhealthy virus.

Stop that. Stop that.

Don't you dare mention the word herpes in front of her. She's too little.

Move away from him immediately then.

You're with your big mouth.

Well, let me tell you something.

Take a little advice from me.

You'll burn that address book. Of course, every woman in there has got you

figured for a dope.

Only you would say something that cruel.

You know, I think maybe Archie's got a point.

That too, Billy?

It ain't no secret, Barney.

No, no, no. What I mean is, why don't you start meeting some new women?

Ah, forget it. Give up. We don't know nothing about meeting women.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how do you meet women?

I don't.

That's why I never have any female problems.

I have a girlfriend who is lonely, and she had great success with video dating.

Video dating?

Yeah.

You make a movie talking about yourself, and the women do the same thing.

Then you show them yours, and they show you theirs.

The movie, the movie.

And then you get to pick and choose who to go out with.

Try it. Gee, do anything. Do something.

But if you use the little money that you have left on a gimmick like this, for

God's sake, do it the right way. When you get in there in front of them

don't tell the truth about yourself.

Why shouldn't he tell the truth?

Because, little girl, you can't never make nobody fall in love if you're

the truth.

Love lives on lies.

Don't give me the face. Look that up. It's in your first book of Deuterossim.

Now, for once, will you do what I tell you?

Lying.

Barney, did Archie ever steer you right?

No.

Need I say more?

Deuterossim?

Hi, wow.

I'm Barney Hefner, and I'm looking for a girl.

You looking for a girl? That is hard to believe.

It is?

Yeah, a cute guy like you?

I'd go for you myself.

No kidding? Yeah, I really would.

But I just can't. You know, Frank, he's got such strict rules. I'm not allowed

to date the customers.

Frank, Frank, Frank is your boss.

No, my husband.

Is this our 11 o 'clock?

You're Barney Hefner.

Yeah, I know.

Larry Burnett. Nice to meet you, Barney. That's quite a face you've got there.

You're... With character.

You're not going to have any trouble meeting a woman. Oh, that's just what I

told Barney.

See?

Come on, Barney.

Let's take a little stroll through fantasy land.

Great, Larry. That's why I'm here.

Fantasy is my life.

This... Here's where the magic happens. Wow.

Sit down, Barney.

Thanks.

You know, Barney, it's funny.

I meet guys like you all the time.

Good looking, successful, great personalities.

And they all have one thing in common.

What's that?

They can't find a woman.

Your average schmo doesn't have that problem.

It's always the special guy who suffers.

Do you really think I'm good looking?

Would I lie to you?

I'm running a business here.

And my job, my reason for getting out of bed in the morning, is to make special

guys like you happy.

Really good looking or just average good looking?

It blows me away.

A handsome man like you lacks confidence.

There's no justice.

I know.

But, Barney, you see this wall here?

Women. In all shapes, sizes, and colors.

Wow. Peter, Larry, do you think it would be possible if we could look at one of

these tapes?

Sure. I got one on the machine right now. No kidding.

This will give you an idea of what could be in store for you.

You know, one thing I really love is a girl with a big sense of humor.

Well, I've seen enough. I'm ready to sign.

Okay, sport.

Well, go get your contract, get your initial payment, and then we go make

movies. Great. Oh, one question, Larry. Can you cash an unemployment check?

Sure. We get them all the time. Ah, solid.

Okay, Barn.

You, uh, want a little practice run?

No, I'm ready to roll.

Okay.

Barn, don't you think that tie's a little busy?

Do you really think so?

But women today like a more relaxed looking guy, you know? So why don't you

loosen your collar a little bit, huh? Okay. It'll give you that look, Barn.

The look she'll want to know better.

Okay,

and Barn, take off that jacket.

Okay. And just sling it over your shoulder, you know? Kind of relaxed,

-like.

Yeah, yeah.

I like that. Nice. Beautiful, beautiful.

Hey, you know, I feel a little like Sinatra.

You know, you look a little like him, Barney.

Okay. So, here's the plan.

You introduce yourself, say a few words, and then I'll ask you some questions.

And, Barney, be up.

Be hip.

Remember, the kind of woman you get depends on the impression you make.

okay. Right? Sure. Okay? Ready? Here we go.

Tape it.

Is it on?

Yeah, it's on.

Oh, uh, hello.

I'm Barney Hefner.

Would you like to go out with me?

Good, good.

Is there something wrong with my technique?

You're not selling yourself, Barney. You're being too humble. You've got to

build yourself up a little bit. You know, make me love you.

Okay? Come on, take us to Roy. Now, uh, Barney, tell me about your hobby.

Well, I like dogs.

I mean, hounds.

What else about it?

Yeah, well, I do a lot of fox hunting on my country estate.

You see, I usually bag my limit on the first day out.

And boy, may I tell you that there is nothing that smells better over an open

fire than roast fox.

Terrific. So, tell me, Barney, what kind of woman are you looking for?

Well, she must be petite to fit inside my Ferrari.

She must be cultured to appreciate the ambiance of, let's say,

Las Vegas in August.

Is that all?

No, no, not quite. She must also be brilliant, beautiful, and witty.

Sort of an Anne Margaret.

but lonely.

Come on. Just taste it.

What the hell is it?

Carne y arroz con gandules.

I ain't gonna taste nothing like that.

Neither are my customers.

Come on, Jose. Serving a thing like that is like waving a red flag in front of

your bowels.

Hiya, fellas.

Oh, look at this beauty and the beast here. Shh.

This is Cynthia. We met through the Video Magic Dating Service.

Pleased to meet you. This is Cynthia.

Enchanted, I'm sure.

Oh, likewise there.

Innkeeper, a bottle of wine. My favorite vintage.

And would you be kind enough to serve it at my favorite little romantic table in

the corner? Oh, very good, Mr. Hefner.

There's a good fellow.

Cynthia, my love.

If you'll just wait over there, I'll be with you in a moment.

Hey, Barney.

Hey, that there is very nice. Yeah, I took your advice, Arch. I freely

embellished my life story.

You lied?

Yeah.

I may need a little back up, you know.

Sure, Barney. You know you can always rely on me.

You know, to make the course run smooth.

Barney, you are so gallant. Yes, I am.

Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

Did you really once live in this neighborhood?

Hard to believe, isn't it?

Yes, mother and dad moved us up to Westchester right after dad made his

million.

Well, how did he make his first million?

Well, he was in milk.

Milk? Oh, he must have had quite a sizable dairy.

Well, he didn't exactly have a dairy. He had a very long route.

You are so witty, Barney.

Yes, he is. Let me tell you something, sis.

People have been laughing at Mr. Heff for years.

Tasty, but a trifle pushy. Oh, geez, I do regret that mistake.

Well, a man with his own wine cellar would only accept the best.

Oh, the wine cellar.

Do you know that in order to put in that wine cellar at his house, he had to rip

out his bowling alley?

Only lanes six and seven.

Now, about this wine.

I would like something more expensive. A little classier wine.

Oh, just what you want, Mr. Eppler.

Harry, a bottle of this stuff with the cork.

Right away.

Barney, it is so sweet of you to come all the way down to this crummy

neighborhood just to add a little class to this dismal dive.

Well, now, wait a minute, honey. I wouldn't say that.

But you did say that.

Um, did you... Say that, Mr.

Hedman. I didn't say this.

Yes, you did.

You said you wanted to come down to this neighborhood to help out a pathetic old

pal.

A pathetic old pal.

Why are you always lying?

Does he always lie?

Always lie? The man never stops.

Barney, are you lying to me?

Barney, we cannot sustain a relationship without a foundation of trust.

Now, are you or are you not the Barney I came in here with?

The one who owns a Ferrari?

And who's gonna produce Superman 5?

They just inherited $12 million in milk money.

A part of that is true.

Which part?

My name is Barney.

Wrong part.

I gotta go look at some more tapes.

Cynthia!

Why should she wait? What for?

Jesus, you blow that romance.

Listen, if it wasn't for you, she would have believed me. How long do you think

that would have lasted?

Another 60 minutes would have been enough.

I told you not to talk that way in front of this child here. Will you move away

here and have no further conversation with this man?

Barney, you'll never get anywhere if you keep lying.

You have to go out there and show the world the real Barney Hefner. Uh -oh,

Barbara Lee.

I am afraid that the world ain't ready for a disappointment of that magnitude.

Hiya, Tara.

Hiya, Barney.

So tell me, how'd your date with Cynthia go?

Oh, great.

Great girl. Great evening. Great date. Everything was great.

Oh, she dumped you.

Marty, are you sure you want to make another tape?

Yes.

I see you still have some sentimental attachments to that jacket, huh?

Why don't we lose it?

Look, I like this jacket. This jacket is me.

This time, I am going to wear it.

Okay, Romeo.

It's your unemployment check.

I hope you're happy with this one.

Sit down.

We'll take a look.

I'm Barney Hefner.

And I guess the first thing you should know about me is that I'm lonely.

I've been lonely most of my life.

In fact, the only time that I wasn't lonely is when I was with Blanche.

And then she was lonely.

You see, we used to be married, me and Blanche.

But we're not anymore.

And I guess that's why I'm making this tape.

I have this swell little dog named Rusty. Barney, you're off camera.

And I really love Rusty a lot.

Barney. Somehow, it just ain't quite enough.

Barney, the camera's over here.

Oh.

So you see what I really mean.

He's a friend with two legs and a dry nose.

Sit down, Barney. Sit down.

So I guess I'm just an average guy looking for an average woman.

So if there's a girl out there who's looking for a guy who's hardworking,

he's working, and... Well, I guess that's it.

That I'm your man.

Me.

Party.

You got a new girl and everything's great.

You bet, Billy. Boy, that Laura's fantastic.

And not only that, she's coming over here in a couple of minutes to continue

relationship.

Boom, boom. Will you stop that, huh?

Now, why do you always do this, huh? Bring your girlfriends over here and put

through the torture of watching them dump you.

Not this time, Arch. This one is different.

She let herself be herself.

And I let myself be myself, and boy, we just let it happen.

You do something to me. There she is.

Something that really mystifies me.

Hiya, Bon.

Hiya, Lord.

Don't pay any attention to us.

Love this.

Oh, come on.

Hey, gee, we don't crash.

I hope we do.

Hey, there's a couple of people I'd like you to meet. It's Billy Bunker and

Harry Snowden. This is Laurie. Hi. And right over here is Archie Bunker. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Well, gee, what a pleasure to meet you there. How's it going, Arch?

Takes hands like a linebacker here.

Rolling, my game. Oh, boy.

them for Irma's plumbing supplies.

Plumbing? I love plumbing.

Me too.

This is a nightmare.

I'm alone, Archie.

Hey, Laura, how about a couple of tall cool ones?

Yeah, Ron, but listen, afterwards, I gotta go home and feed my dog.

You didn't tell me you had a dog.

Yeah, Rona.

I have Rusty. Say, maybe we could double date tonight, huh? Yeah, great idea.

I wonder where we could go.

Oh, well, wherever you go, the four of you, don't go on my lawn.

And, keeper, give us a couple of fruits, keeper.

Yeah, mark it up, Arch. Yeah, mark it up, of course.

Is there anything else your heart's desire?

Are you hungry, darling?

Falling down.

Make it a couple of steak sandwiches then, Arch, huh? With fries on the side,

couple of house salads, and top it off, a couple of pieces of cheesecake.

Does that suit?

And serve it over there at our favorite intimate little romantic table.

Sure, what the hell.

Back this way, honey.

You see that? The truth pays off.

The truth don't pay off.

The truth runs a test.