All language subtitles for archie_bunker_s_place_s04e13_captain_video

You know something?

Mr. Regan could go down as our greatest
president.

But it's all up to you, Snigger Rubens.

Oh, look at this. Look, Bruce. He's got
a thousand flies.

Now, don't tell me we got him, Bruce.

Just get rid of him before the customers
come in, huh?

These Orientals, they love catching
flies.

Look, I don't understand why you're so
upset.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

But you asked me to join you and Carolyn
on the double date.

Yeah, but you were supposed to bring
somebody.

Did you listen to these two guys always
at each other's throats? They never

should have started living together.

Hey, you two guys quit living together.

That's okay with me.

Can you believe it, Arch?

I finally find a girl to help ease the
pain of my separation from Alice.

And he insists on tagging along.

Even walked into the door with me last
night trying to horn in on a goodnight

kiss.

You notice something a little sick about
that, Barney?

I happen to know she wanted me.

She kept winking at me all night.

The woman has a tick, Barney.

I don't understand, Barney. How come you
just didn't get your own pick?

I tried.

I went through my whole address book.
But every woman I called was either

washing her hair or the bearer of an
unhealthy virus.

Stop that. Stop that.

Don't you dare mention the word herpes
in front of her. She's too little.

Move away from him immediately then.

You're with your big mouth.

Well, let me tell you something.

Take a little advice from me.

You'll burn that address book. Of
course, every woman in there has got you

figured for a dope.

Only you would say something that cruel.

You know, I think maybe Archie's got a
point.

That too, Billy?

It ain't no secret, Barney.

No, no, no. What I mean is, why don't
you start meeting some new women?

Ah, forget it. Give up. We don't know
nothing about meeting women.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how do you meet women?

I don't.

That's why I never have any female
problems.

I have a girlfriend who is lonely, and
she had great success with video dating.

Video dating?

Yeah.

You make a movie talking about yourself,
and the women do the same thing.

Then you show them yours, and they show
you theirs.

The movie, the movie.

And then you get to pick and choose who
to go out with.

Try it. Gee, do anything. Do something.

But if you use the little money that you
have left on a gimmick like this, for

God's sake, do it the right way. When
you get in there in front of them

don't tell the truth about yourself.

Why shouldn't he tell the truth?

Because, little girl, you can't never
make nobody fall in love if you're

the truth.

Love lives on lies.

Don't give me the face. Look that up.
It's in your first book of Deuterossim.

Now, for once, will you do what I tell
you?

Lying.

Barney, did Archie ever steer you right?

No.

Need I say more?

Deuterossim?

Hi, wow.

I'm Barney Hefner, and I'm looking for a
girl.

You looking for a girl? That is hard to
believe.

It is?

Yeah, a cute guy like you?

I'd go for you myself.

No kidding? Yeah, I really would.

But I just can't. You know, Frank, he's
got such strict rules. I'm not allowed

to date the customers.

Frank, Frank, Frank is your boss.

No, my husband.

Is this our 11 o 'clock?

You're Barney Hefner.

Yeah, I know.

Larry Burnett. Nice to meet you, Barney.
That's quite a face you've got there.

You're... With character.

You're not going to have any trouble
meeting a woman. Oh, that's just what I

told Barney.

See?

Come on, Barney.

Let's take a little stroll through
fantasy land.

Great, Larry. That's why I'm here.

Fantasy is my life.

This... Here's where the magic happens.
Wow.

Sit down, Barney.

Thanks.

You know, Barney, it's funny.

I meet guys like you all the time.

Good looking, successful, great
personalities.

And they all have one thing in common.

What's that?

They can't find a woman.

Your average schmo doesn't have that
problem.

It's always the special guy who suffers.

Do you really think I'm good looking?

Would I lie to you?

I'm running a business here.

And my job, my reason for getting out of
bed in the morning, is to make special

guys like you happy.

Really good looking or just average good
looking?

It blows me away.

A handsome man like you lacks
confidence.

There's no justice.

I know.

But, Barney, you see this wall here?

Women. In all shapes, sizes, and colors.

Wow. Peter, Larry, do you think it would
be possible if we could look at one of

these tapes?

Sure. I got one on the machine right
now. No kidding.

This will give you an idea of what could
be in store for you.

You know, one thing I really love is a
girl with a big sense of humor.

Well, I've seen enough. I'm ready to
sign.

Okay, sport.

Well, go get your contract, get your
initial payment, and then we go make

movies. Great. Oh, one question, Larry.
Can you cash an unemployment check?

Sure. We get them all the time. Ah,
solid.

Okay, Barn.

You, uh, want a little practice run?

No, I'm ready to roll.

Okay.

Barn, don't you think that tie's a
little busy?

Do you really think so?

But women today like a more relaxed
looking guy, you know? So why don't you

loosen your collar a little bit, huh?
Okay. It'll give you that look, Barn.

The look she'll want to know better.

Okay,

and Barn, take off that jacket.

Okay. And just sling it over your
shoulder, you know? Kind of relaxed,

-like.

Yeah, yeah.

I like that. Nice. Beautiful, beautiful.

Hey, you know, I feel a little like
Sinatra.

You know, you look a little like him,
Barney.

Okay. So, here's the plan.

You introduce yourself, say a few words,
and then I'll ask you some questions.

And, Barney, be up.

Be hip.

Remember, the kind of woman you get
depends on the impression you make.

okay. Right? Sure. Okay? Ready? Here we
go.

Tape it.

Is it on?

Yeah, it's on.

Oh, uh, hello.

I'm Barney Hefner.

Would you like to go out with me?

Good, good.

Is there something wrong with my
technique?

You're not selling yourself, Barney.
You're being too humble. You've got to

build yourself up a little bit. You
know, make me love you.

Okay? Come on, take us to Roy. Now, uh,
Barney, tell me about your hobby.

Well, I like dogs.

I mean, hounds.

What else about it?

Yeah, well, I do a lot of fox hunting on
my country estate.

You see, I usually bag my limit on the
first day out.

And boy, may I tell you that there is
nothing that smells better over an open

fire than roast fox.

Terrific. So, tell me, Barney, what kind
of woman are you looking for?

Well, she must be petite to fit inside
my Ferrari.

She must be cultured to appreciate the
ambiance of, let's say,

Las Vegas in August.

Is that all?

No, no, not quite. She must also be
brilliant, beautiful, and witty.

Sort of an Anne Margaret.

but lonely.

Come on. Just taste it.

What the hell is it?

Carne y arroz con gandules.

I ain't gonna taste nothing like that.

Neither are my customers.

Come on, Jose. Serving a thing like that
is like waving a red flag in front of

your bowels.

Hiya, fellas.

Oh, look at this beauty and the beast
here. Shh.

This is Cynthia. We met through the
Video Magic Dating Service.

Pleased to meet you. This is Cynthia.

Enchanted, I'm sure.

Oh, likewise there.

Innkeeper, a bottle of wine. My favorite
vintage.

And would you be kind enough to serve it
at my favorite little romantic table in

the corner? Oh, very good, Mr. Hefner.

There's a good fellow.

Cynthia, my love.

If you'll just wait over there, I'll be
with you in a moment.

Hey, Barney.

Hey, that there is very nice. Yeah, I
took your advice, Arch. I freely

embellished my life story.

You lied?

Yeah.

I may need a little back up, you know.

Sure, Barney. You know you can always
rely on me.

You know, to make the course run smooth.

Barney, you are so gallant. Yes, I am.

Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

Did you really once live in this
neighborhood?

Hard to believe, isn't it?

Yes, mother and dad moved us up to
Westchester right after dad made his

million.

Well, how did he make his first million?

Well, he was in milk.

Milk? Oh, he must have had quite a
sizable dairy.

Well, he didn't exactly have a dairy. He
had a very long route.

You are so witty, Barney.

Yes, he is. Let me tell you something,
sis.

People have been laughing at Mr. Heff
for years.

Tasty, but a trifle pushy. Oh, geez, I
do regret that mistake.

Well, a man with his own wine cellar
would only accept the best.

Oh, the wine cellar.

Do you know that in order to put in that
wine cellar at his house, he had to rip

out his bowling alley?

Only lanes six and seven.

Now, about this wine.

I would like something more expensive. A
little classier wine.

Oh, just what you want, Mr. Eppler.

Harry, a bottle of this stuff with the
cork.

Right away.

Barney, it is so sweet of you to come
all the way down to this crummy

neighborhood just to add a little class
to this dismal dive.

Well, now, wait a minute, honey. I
wouldn't say that.

But you did say that.

Um, did you... Say that, Mr.

Hedman. I didn't say this.

Yes, you did.

You said you wanted to come down to this
neighborhood to help out a pathetic old

pal.

A pathetic old pal.

Why are you always lying?

Does he always lie?

Always lie? The man never stops.

Barney, are you lying to me?

Barney, we cannot sustain a relationship
without a foundation of trust.

Now, are you or are you not the Barney I
came in here with?

The one who owns a Ferrari?

And who's gonna produce Superman 5?

They just inherited $12 million in milk
money.

A part of that is true.

Which part?

My name is Barney.

Wrong part.

I gotta go look at some more tapes.

Cynthia!

Why should she wait? What for?

Jesus, you blow that romance.

Listen, if it wasn't for you, she would
have believed me. How long do you think

that would have lasted?

Another 60 minutes would have been
enough.

I told you not to talk that way in front
of this child here. Will you move away

here and have no further conversation
with this man?

Barney, you'll never get anywhere if you
keep lying.

You have to go out there and show the
world the real Barney Hefner. Uh -oh,

Barbara Lee.

I am afraid that the world ain't ready
for a disappointment of that magnitude.

Hiya, Tara.

Hiya, Barney.

So tell me, how'd your date with Cynthia
go?

Oh, great.

Great girl. Great evening. Great date.
Everything was great.

Oh, she dumped you.

Marty, are you sure you want to make
another tape?

Yes.

I see you still have some sentimental
attachments to that jacket, huh?

Why don't we lose it?

Look, I like this jacket. This jacket is
me.

This time, I am going to wear it.

Okay, Romeo.

It's your unemployment check.

I hope you're happy with this one.

Sit down.

We'll take a look.

I'm Barney Hefner.

And I guess the first thing you should
know about me is that I'm lonely.

I've been lonely most of my life.

In fact, the only time that I wasn't
lonely is when I was with Blanche.

And then she was lonely.

You see, we used to be married, me and
Blanche.

But we're not anymore.

And I guess that's why I'm making this
tape.

I have this swell little dog named
Rusty. Barney, you're off camera.

And I really love Rusty a lot.

Barney. Somehow, it just ain't quite
enough.

Barney, the camera's over here.

Oh.

So you see what I really mean.

He's a friend with two legs and a dry
nose.

Sit down, Barney. Sit down.

So I guess I'm just an average guy
looking for an average woman.

So if there's a girl out there who's
looking for a guy who's hardworking,

he's working, and... Well, I guess
that's it.

That I'm your man.

Me.

Party.

You got a new girl and everything's
great.

You bet, Billy. Boy, that Laura's
fantastic.

And not only that, she's coming over
here in a couple of minutes to continue

relationship.

Boom, boom. Will you stop that, huh?

Now, why do you always do this, huh?
Bring your girlfriends over here and put

through the torture of watching them
dump you.

Not this time, Arch. This one is
different.

She let herself be herself.

And I let myself be myself, and boy, we
just let it happen.

You do something to me. There she is.

Something that really mystifies me.

Hiya, Bon.

Hiya, Lord.

Don't pay any attention to us.

Love this.

Oh, come on.

Hey, gee, we don't crash.

I hope we do.

Hey, there's a couple of people I'd like
you to meet. It's Billy Bunker and

Harry Snowden. This is Laurie. Hi. And
right over here is Archie Bunker. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Well, gee, what a pleasure
to meet you there. How's it going, Arch?

Takes hands like a linebacker here.

Rolling, my game. Oh, boy.

them for Irma's plumbing supplies.

Plumbing? I love plumbing.

Me too.

This is a nightmare.

I'm alone, Archie.

Hey, Laura, how about a couple of tall
cool ones?

Yeah, Ron, but listen, afterwards, I
gotta go home and feed my dog.

You didn't tell me you had a dog.

Yeah, Rona.

I have Rusty. Say, maybe we could double
date tonight, huh? Yeah, great idea.

I wonder where we could go.

Oh, well, wherever you go, the four of
you, don't go on my lawn.

And, keeper, give us a couple of fruits,
keeper.

Yeah, mark it up, Arch. Yeah, mark it
up, of course.

Is there anything else your heart's
desire?

Are you hungry, darling?

Falling down.

Make it a couple of steak sandwiches
then, Arch, huh? With fries on the side,

couple of house salads, and top it off,
a couple of pieces of cheesecake.

Does that suit?

And serve it over there at our favorite
intimate little romantic table.

Sure, what the hell.

Back this way, honey.

You see that? The truth pays off.

The truth don't pay off.

The truth runs a test.