Original subtitles

Yeah, thanks, Palsiga.

Here's all the tabs, Arch. Read them and weep. Oh, jeez, these tabs, Harry.

They're gonna be the ruin of me. Look at them.

When I come across a batch that's as big as the clone book, I know they're

Bonnie Hepburn's. I don't have to look, huh? But I'll look.

Bingo.

Oh, here he is, Mr. Double himself.

Give me a double, Harry.

Ain't it a bit early, Bond?

Not today, it ain't.

Huh? Double what?

Who cares? I'll work from left to right.

Well, while you're working on the booze, Barney, how about working on these here

tabs, huh?

Stop that. Stop. Stop. It ain't going to do you no good, Barney, because I'm

going to tell you right now. As of today, close to the stock market, tears

not wipe tabs away.

Can't you see I'm distressed?

Can't you see I don't care?

How can you be so insensitive to a man whose life is in ruins?

I've had years of practice, Barney.

There must be something else wrong. I've never bothered him this way before.

Go on, talk to him.

Harry, don't tell me what to do, huh?

Harry, I better go over and talk to him.

All right, Barney, dry you up, huh?

Got a problem? Tell me what it is, or do I have to wait and read about it in

Dear Rabies?

You know, I've been a bridge inspector for a lot of years.

Yeah, that's why I always travel by the tunnels.

Well, I checked my last expansion joint. I was laid off.

Laid off from a city job?

How could that be?

They blame it on federal cutbacks, which in turn changed the allocations of

local budgets. In short, Reaganomics.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're the one that belong on Reganomics.

I am?

Yes, yes.

You know how the president talks about cutting the fat out of government, don't

you? Yeah.

Well, that's what you are, Barney, the fat.

I resent that.

Well, you ought to be ashamed of that. And don't go blaming the president and

his able staff for all your poisonous horses.

Look what my vote got me.

Unemployment. At least if the Democrats had gotten in, I'd still have a job.

God, what a selfish prank that you went home with. The Democrats got in. You

know what would happen if the Democrats was in there? You altogether, too many

people with jobs. And running around with all kinds of money. Very

there. Buying all these things like houses and cars, appliances, clothes.

Just to show off. They don't need them things.

This way.

Under the Republic, see, everybody's got to stay home and hang on to them last

few dollars.

And wait until the good people of the supply side tinkle down on them.

You know, Arch, I never thought about it like that before.

Well, damn few people do.

That's why I'm glad to straighten you out.

Now, one more little thing before we leave this, what do you call it,

discussion here.

What's that?

Your tab.

It's cut off.

Hiya,

fellas. Hi, boy. Oh. Oh, hi, Barney. How's the job hunt going? Oh, not so

Mr. Bernard. I had a pretty good lead yesterday, but it just didn't pan out.

What was the job?

Superintendent of the schools.

Maybe you're setting your sights just a little bit high.

I mean, if a man walked into a bank asking to be president, he'd be a fool.

Hey, that's what Chase Manhattan told me just last Tuesday.

Like I always say, today's another day. Hiya, Billy.

Hi. You want your usual, Barney? Yeah, please. The Reganomics Special.

Okay. Well, I heard that. I heard that. Wise remark.

What the hell is that supposed to be all about, the Reganomics Special?

It's coffee, saltines, and I sing, Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?

I ain't laughing.

Now, either you make me laugh or I show some respect.

What is it now?

He making me a slave.

Jose, this man ain't no slave.

Hey, boss, I'm just doing like you taught me. I'm just ducking

You didn't say duck.

I said delegate, delegate.

Ain't it the same thing?

Take the Verrazano.

Looks pretty sturdy, huh?

Take it from me.

One or two key bolts crack and... You're slashing around in the narrows.

Can't help you then.

Will you please help us move?

Barney. Barney, what the hell are you doing to my customers here?

Just trying to be charming.

You are charming and into the far corners.

Why don't you go home and shave and go out and hit the pavement and start

looking for work?

I have been looking for work, haven't I? Looking for work?

Hey, you didn't even look on the top line here. Look at that.

Wanted. Market director.

That sounds pretty good. You know, I like grocery stores.

That has nothing to do with groceries, Barney. Here's another one here. Shoe

salesman. Oh, come on. What do I know about selling shoes?

What the hell is there to know about selling shoes?

It's a store with one item, ain't it? Nothing but shoes in there.

Most of your clientele is women. You know women with shoes. They always know

exactly what they want.

You get them in a box. The price is on the box. You get them in a box, you get

the money. That's it.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to call up and I'm going to get you this here job.

And I know they're going to want you.

Why?

Because it says here, we are desperate.

Uh, hello. My name is Barney Hefner. I'm calling about that ad you put in the

paper this morning about the shoe sale.

Yes, I have spirits.

In Samoa.

Shut up. I'm picking a place that they can't check easy.

Yes.

Well, it's true.

Samoans ain't very big on shoes.

Look at it this way. If you can move a line of footwear in Samoa, you can do it

anyways.

Yes, very good.

Yes, I'll be there. What time?

Yes. All right.

Very good. Thank you very much. I'll be there. Bye.

Well?

Well, congratulations.

I think you got the job there. No kidding? Yes, a nice place in a classy

neighborhood over in Sunnyside, right underneath the yell.

Gee, Arch, thanks a million. You know, I really appreciate the time. Yeah, it's

great. Nice going, Arch. Good luck, party. Oh, thanks, Billy.

Oh, by the way, just in case they should ask, where did I live in Samoa?

In a giant clam shell.

This is one of our most popular styles, miss. I think you'll really like it.

Now, how do those feel?

Well, they feel fine.

They sure do.

But I do have a pair like them at home.

Huh?

Oh, in the shoes.

You're through drooling on her. I'd like to see some pumps.

Humps? I think humps would be down in the hardware store, madam. Two doors

and to your left.

I'm just not sure about these.

A salesman? Yes.

Get over here.

I am.

But why would you use that tone of voice to me?

Because you're a jerk.

I'd like to try these on.

You would, huh?

And I'd like to be the king of England.

Let's do it.

All right. But first I'll have to get a crowbar and something for you to bite

on.

I've been so insulted in my life.

Really? You should get out more.

So long, Cinderella.

You just lost me a customer.

I'm sorry, Mr. Henry, but really she was very rude and offensive.

It may be a cliché, Hefner, but the customer is always right.

Always.

Even when she's mean?

They're all mean.

Don't let it happen again.

No, sir, I won't. I'll remember that.

You can depend on me, Mr. Henry. I'm really trying.

Hey, what are you guys doing down here? Hiya, John and Steph. I just thought I'd

come over, you know.

Buy a pair of shoes, maybe help you out a little.

He says you owe him a rake -off.

Listen,

why don't you guys just take a seat over there? I'll be with you in a minute. Do

you have anything else?

Gee, I'm sorry, miss. I think you've seen all our styles.

Oh, well, thanks for your help. You're very sweet. Oh, you're quite welcome.

if you care to leave your phone number, I could call you when some other styles

come in.

Jesus, Barney, that was very smooth.

I thought you was going to stop that young lady with a tackle.

Don't tease me, Arch.

Now, who's here for shoes?

Uncle Archie. Oh, good.

And what's your size, Arch?

Or what's your arch size?

Little shoe humor there.

Well, it's been a long time, Barney. I kind of forget, you know.

His size changes with the weather. Oh, I see. Well, we'll put your foot in the

old bear trap here and find out. Oh, gee, be careful of them things. These

things always used to hurt me when I was a kid, you know. Yeah, well, don't

worry. I know what I'm doing.

Is there a problem here, sir?

Who are you?

Oh, that's Mr. Henry.

Everything is just fine, right, Uncle Archie? Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.

Nothing to worry about, Mr. Henry. Everything's under control.

He's a real sweetheart.

I got a bill for you. Just wait and see.

If you don't like these, boy, I'll eat them.

How do you like them?

Watch out.

This is made for you here.

Barney, I don't need a shoe to close in the dark.

You don't care for those, huh? Okay. Well, in that case, then, we'll just

these by. Yes, please. And we'll get right to the sensible.

Wait a minute.

Are those the right size?

Yes, they do.

Easy, easy.

How does that feel?

The way any right foot would feel when jammed into a left shoe.

Barney, you're such a dope.

Who are you calling a dope?

That's what you are, a dope. You shouldn't work in no business where you

touch another human being.

You're absolutely right, sir. I apologize for this. Out of here, Hefner.

You heard him. You have no business working in a shoe store.

You're fired.

Oh, please, Mr. Henry.

Don't fire me.

I need the job.

Shoes are my life.

Go back to Samoa.

Thanks a lot, Arch.

This is so uncool. All right, all right, all right. Don't blame it on me. It

ain't my fault.

It's your fault. Don't blame it on me, then.

What ever made you think that you could work in a shoe store?

It's that beautiful rose there, huh? I guess you outdone yourselves.

Billy did most of it. No, I didn't. You did the vegetables. Who cares? Let's

see.

Okay, first a little grace, huh? All right. Lord, bless this food we have

us to eat here, and bless my business enterprise down there. Keep people happy

and drink.

Now, can you...

Leave this at the door. Sometimes I think my salivary glands send out

Ew, that's gross.

But that's true.

Stay where you are.

I'll get rid of whoever it is.

All right, they're coming to the door.

And if you're collecting for Herbie's, I give it to your office.

Hi, Arch.

I thought it was worse than I thought. I just thought I'd return your hedge

clippers here in case you needed them.

Keep the hedge clippers, Barney. You can make a little extra cash cutting

hedges. Come on. You can't cut hedges in the wintertime.

Cut snow.

Just one question, huh?

Is that meat?

Yes, that's meat.

Goodbye. Barney, would you like to stay for dinner?

Oh, boy, I sure would, Steph, if I'm not imposing.

Just, you are imposing.

Stop playing. Come on in. Oh, thanks a lot, Artie.

Such a pain in the neck.

You're in my chair.

You're in the kid's chair.

Listen,

I got news for you. I seen something in the paper there.

If you go to sleep early, you know, and you dream about food, you'll wake up

full.

Look at the paper.

Help yourself, Barney.

Thanks, Billy. Boy, it sure smells good. Oh, watch this. Watch this. Oh, look at

this. Ain't this awful?

Maybe he's hungry. There's nothing wrong with that.

This here ain't human hunger.

This is what you see in a junk.

Man wasn't meant to witness disease.

So, have you had any more job interviews lately, Barney?

No, I haven't, Billy.

I was all about qualifications, too.

Scary, huh, Barney? Yeah.

I've got an idea.

How about giving Barney a job down at the restaurant?

No, no.

But Raul's been complaining about too much work to do.

I didn't hear nothing about that.

You're the one who's always saying we need the private sector to solve

unemployment. What's the private sector?

He's the private sector. Yeah, and we're waiting to see what he's gonna do.

Stop looking at me with them sad hound dog eyes there.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

All right, all right, Bonnie, cut it out, will you?

You, button in the air. All right, you call on me to stand up for my

then I'll stand up for my principles there.

All right, I'll give you a job.

Oh, boy. A part -time job only.

And you're going to be working under the chink there.

Okay. Remember, huh?

When you're working there, you ain't my old sweet pal of bygone days or nothing

like that. You ain't a large brother, nothing. See, you're only another

Oriental.

Thanks, Sarge.

Sometimes I think I'm going soft in the head lately.

Well, you're the same as you always were.

You're giving Barney a job was a nice gesture. Yeah, and I'd done that,

of the fact that he was knocking one of the most beautiful slogans I ever heard,

stay the course. Now, why wouldn't a man want to stay the course?

Because he doesn't want to stay unemployed.

Hey, lady, lady, I'm sorry, but it's okay.

I didn't say much.

You big rummage. The lady was in the toilet there. You scared the hell out of

her. She gave me quite a start, too.

Uh, buddy, I want to see you.

Pronto.

This guy's a dictator.

Well, it's in their blood. What can you do?

Forget about cleaning the toilets. Go in there and find out what he wants. Hurry

up. Will you please? And wash your hands. Wash your hands, huh?

I'm sorry. He ain't gonna last.

Oh, give him time, Arch. He's still new.

Mr. Bernard, I could give him 20 years and he'd never measure up to this little

man right here.

Jose, why don't you check those stakes, huh?

Hey, since when did you retire?

I don't retire, Jose.

I'm just, how would you say, delegating.

Hey, Raul, I don't find no stakes.

I found them.

burger in a minute.

Hans, do you mean you ground four pounds of prime New York sirloin? You betcha.

In 30 seconds.

Hey, that must be some kind of a record.

Nowadays, it's all creams and liqueurs.

These are people who used to drink the real booze. There's still a few left,

Arch.

Hey, boss.

I told Raul to do some peeling. He told Barney.

And this is the result.

What is that?

That used to be an Idaho potato.

Hey,

Arch, these guys are getting me steamed. They keep insulting me in Spanish.

Is this true?

Si, it's true. Si, it's true.

Martin, don't get yourself all excited, huh? I mean, with Spanish guys, the only

real insult is getting stabbed.

Now, stay away from them hot -blooded guys.

Stay out here. Work with Billy over there. Go ahead.

Ah, Billy, dear.

Would you give Barney something to do, please? Something easy?

What can I do for you, Billy?

Pick up table nine.

All by myself?

No, no. Why don't you clear off table five?

Table five, okay.

Let's see.

You think he's going to make it, Archie? Oh, Barney, he's lousy.

Why so hard?

Can you imagine if he wasn't trying?

The table before, I just brought their food.

Well, they walked away from it.

To the wet room.

I ain't going in there again.

He just dumped my real Jose.

I seen that. And a fellow Raul. I seen that. Okay, that's it, that's it. I had

it. And I know I speak for Raul when I say either he goes or we go.

Either he goes or we go.

Well, that goes for me, too.

I'll tell you right now. You know, I hate to say this, Arch.

but things have been deteriorating around here for a long time.

He just started this morning.

Yeah, well, never mind. It's them or me.

Don't say that, Barney. Well, I'm saying it. Then it's got to be them.

Oh, so they're getting fired, huh?

No, Barney, you are.

I am?

That's the bad news.

What's the good news?

There ain't none.

Quiet out, Barney.

I can't hear... what you're saying to me. All right. All right.

Bonnie, there is some good news.

Yeah?

We decided to give you back your tab.

I appreciate that, Arch, and I won't abuse the privilege.

Billy, I'll have a thick steak.

Uh, we're out of steak today.

Oh, that's right.

Well, I happen to know that the hamburger is very good. I'll have three.

Oh, bartender, does your repertoire include a Sazerac cocktail?

Sure, Archie. You're the one that said the private sector has to help.

It's your, uh, tinkle -down theory.

Well, why does it have to be my poor little private sector that does the

tinkling?