Original subtitles

All right, let's see, Kuznitsky's napkins is $47 .50.

Chuck's for me is $842 .21.

Intervera Tower Service is $87.

Let's see what that gives us here.

Jeez, I hate this rotten machine.

Something wrong, Archie? Oh, no, nothing at all, except this here Jap calculator

tells me that my bills for last week was $1 ,837 ,012.

That's Reaganomics for you.

Hey, please, don't be smart.

Now, don't be smart.

The president's tinkle -down theories need a little time to tinkle down over

nation.

I'm talking about this here machine. Sometimes I think it makes mistakes on

purpose. The machine makes mistakes?

Yes, yes, yes. I'm willing to believe it's another sneak -jab attack on

Then why use it? Add the figures in your head.

How am I going to add in my head when I only got ten fingers on my hand?

Can I ask you an important question?

Make it fast.

Can't you see I'm busy here?

Can I have a raise?

No. Goodbye.

Please. Now, you see, I'm up to my eyebrows in work here, and where the

Rick Benowitz? I ain't seen hide a hair of him for a week.

That's because Gary's not just a bookkeeper. He's an important lawyer.

Get out of here. If he was important, they wouldn't let him work for me.

I'm cracking up, Marsha. I can't take it. You'll get through everything.

Hey, kid.

Barry. I've asked you not to call me kid. It beats wimp.

Have you got the Fullerton research memos for me? When have I had the time?

You've given me all this other work.

You are such a mess.

If you followed my example, you would be a lot more organized.

No, if I followed your example, I'd be divorced with herpes.

I shouldn't be hearing this.

I'm going to have to do the research on the Fullerton case myself.

And Marsha is going to work for me this week. Oh, no. No, no, no. You're not

going to take Marsha. Marsha belongs to me. Marsha is the best researcher in the

firm. I want her.

Well, you can't have her. Wait a minute.

You're not talking about a piece of meat here.

This is a human being.

Marsha, don't get carried away.

Funny.

I think that I should have a say in who I work for.

After all, I am your cousin.

Marsha, everyone here is our cousin.

Yes,

Lillian? It's Bunker again. You've got to do something.

He's threatening to come down here, and he says he's not bluffing. Don't worry.

That means he's bluffing.

Why? Why is this happening to me? Why?

You wanted Bunker as a client.

Hello.

What are you doing sitting on your butt over in your office and I got a mountain

of work to do?

Bunker, how pleasant to hear your voice.

What's the problem, Bunker? The problem is, is all this addition here helped me.

Yes, I went to law school. Come on, will you repeat what's going on? All right,

I'll get... Bunker, what happened to

this calculator?

The calculator fell.

It fell?

Are you kidding?

This thing looks like it was attacked with a hammer.

It fell on a hammer.

Twice.

I thought that a cup of coffee might help perk you up. He don't need no

up. Jeez.

When he's around you, what he needs is a little hosing down.

Now, come on. Let the man do his work, will you? And you do yours.

And no fooling around in here while I'm way over by the bar.

My lady, don't waste no paper in there.

What happened to the calculator?

That's Archie's retaliation for Pearl Harbor.

Oy.

I've heard that oy before.

Did your Uncle Abe call you a schlemiel today?

Today?

No.

No, I'm just drowning in paperwork, you know. Every one at the office has been

given an important case except me. And I get all the piddly ones.

Like the Schwarzkopf divorce.

This woman goes into a male strip show and finds out that her husband, this

small businessman, is the star.

Can we get a ticket?

We don't want tickets.

And then, this morning, my brother Barry walks in and takes Marsha away from me.

Now I need to find a temporary secretary.

Temporary secretary, huh?

Look no further.

Billy. No, no, honey.

Come on, I know what you're thinking. No, you couldn't be a legal secretary.

Why not?

Well, it requires a lot of typing.

Well, I type 70 words a minute.

Yeah?

Yeah, but, you know, there's a lot more to it than that. I mean, there's also

shorthand. Straight A's through high school.

Really?

Hey, but, you know, the legal profession is a very...

complicated business.

I mean, there's terms and words and, hey, sometimes even I don't understand

Are you saying that I'm not smart enough to handle the job?

No, no, honey, I'm not saying anything like that.

You're the one who's always encouraging me to better myself.

Now a chance comes along and you won't let me take it.

Oh, sweetheart.

Let's face it, you work here.

Well, only because Archie says if I don't, he'll be on a table with tubes up

nose.

Well, then how could you possibly work for me?

Well, I don't have to quit my job here. I can have Archie put me on the night

shift. Then I can work for both of you.

No, you can't.

Billy, I ain't gonna have my carefully planned schedules here snaffled by you.

You heard him. I'm sorry.

Wait a minute.

I'm not going to be a waitress for the rest of my life. I happen to be very

interested in the legal profession.

Now, you wait a minute. The secretary is the last thing I'm going to allow you

to do.

I mean, working around all of them electronical typewriters and copying

can be very, very bad for a girl's, forgive the expression, hormones.

I don't believe this.

You don't believe this? I read this in the National Enquirer. You don't believe

that? What the hell are you going to believe?

That she had four identical twin tuppies.

Two one week and two the next.

Now, case closed, Billy. Case closed. Please, huh?

Case closed.

Case closed.

Archie, either I work the night shift or I'll quit. Billy, you don't want to do

that. Come on, she ain't got a quiz.

Oh, no?

I'd quit.

Oh, come on, come on.

Think about what you're doing. You would be leaving your poor uncle there in the

lurch. Hey, don't forget the tubes.

Tubes.

With me, you'd make a few calls, you'd type a few letters, and then after a

week, you'll be out on the street, wandering, lonely.

Oh, and not only that, by the time you were ready to come back there, maybe I'd

have a replacement for you.

Well, I'll find another job.

Oh, hey, hey, jobs ain't gonna tingle down that fast.

See you at home, Archie. Billy.

Billy!

Billy, wait a minute.

Don't be running out the door on me there.

Now listen, I said no before. I had to change my mind.

After all, you're going on 20 years of age and I think you're entitled to make

this one decision.

So I'll let you wait there.

Just don't face none of the machines.

You can wait for one week and one week on.

I was hoping that you'd see it my way. Thank you.

I suppose this makes you happy.

Why wouldn't I be happy?

Okay, honey, now let me tell you all about the file cabinet.

Now, in the top drawer, I keep all my incoming correspondence.

Now, in this drawer over here, I keep copies of my outgoing correspondence.

And, oh.

What is this?

It's, uh, my blanket.

Why?

Uncle Abe keeps turning up the air conditioning.

He sweats a lot.

Hey, Ed.

Ooh, a little cupcake.

What are you doing here?

Hello, Harry.

Barry.

Don't tell me you're the kid's new secretary.

Well, life in the office is going to be a lot more interesting from now on.

Barry, don't you have some widow you can foreclose on?

Funny, kid.

Uncle Nate wants to see you.

You. Welcome to the firm, Cupcake. We are going to see a lot of each other.

Thanks for the warning.

Look,

honey, I got to go talk to Uncle Nate.

You want to just go ahead and start on that?

Oh, sure. Now, don't worry about anything.

Everything is going to be fine. We'll have a wonderful week together.

Well, I just wouldn't want anything to go wrong between us.

Oh, now what could go wrong?

Nothing if you keep doing that.

I am going to be the perfect secretary. You'll love everything I do.

Oh, that's great.

I can't look at that thing all week.

at least fix this place up in two days. If I didn't know better, I'd say this is

the office of an adult.

Don't you think it's time you stopped putting your brother down?

Don't you think it's time that we went out to lunch together?

I've made reservations for two at Maison Fromage.

Sorry, I never eat at restaurants whose names I can't translate.

Excuse me.

Besides, Gary and I are going to eat at one of his favorite places.

The Whistle Stop?

Mm -hmm.

You can't eat there, Cupcake. The food is terrible.

Well, then why does Gary eat there all the time?

Because they spend your sandwich around you on a little electric train.

Sounds like fun.

The novelty wears off very soon. You see your hamburger derailed on a fast

curve.

Excuse me.

Back again, huh? Didn't you used to work around here? I happen to be a very busy

kid, and I came in to tell you that a Mr. Kruger is coming in in less than ten

minutes, and you are going to talk to him, and there is your memo.

Barry, I can't do that. I'm already overloaded with cases.

You know, the Schwarzkopf divorce is turning really nasty. That's a pushover.

Well, you think so.

Now his wife is threatening to drag his leopard -skin G -string into court.

Handle it.

Handle it.

Handle it?

Cancel your lunch at Choo Choo Heaven.

I'll be back.

Abuse like that is why I slept with a nightlight till I was 20.

Forget about him. Let's move on to the correspondence.

Honey, I really wish you hadn't taken down that painting.

I hated it. I painted it.

Oh.

Anyhow, what do you think of your desk?

Oh, hey, the desk.

The desk looks fantastic. I mean, it's so neat, and it's... Another

new plant?

Mm -hmm.

This looks like it hates Jews.

Trust me, you'll love them once you get used to them.

I'll try.

Oh, hey, is this the letter I asked you to type for me? Uh -huh.

Is it okay?

Yeah, it's a nice job. Look at...

Wait a minute.

What's this word?

Jubilant?

Oh, you wrote happy.

That sounds so lame. Jubilant is better. Believe me.

Billy, you cut out the whole third paragraph about the lessor and the

No, I didn't cut it. I summarized it there at the bottom. The way you had it

written, nobody could have understood it.

Billy, nobody is supposed to understand it except lawyers.

If everybody could understand this stuff, I'd be selling shoes.

How could you just retype the letter the way I dictated it?

Well, okay, if I can find it.

Oh, hey, were there any calls?

Oh, yes. A woman named Betty called.

Who's Betty? Oh, Betty Aronson. She's a client.

A client who called three times in 20 minutes?

Well, she's probably anxious about something.

Well, she is. She can't wait to find out if you'll have dinner with her tonight.

Billy, now come on, honey. This is business.

I have to go out to dinner with clients all the time.

Could you just get her on the phone for me, please?

I can't. I have to retype a letter, remember?

Uh, Billy.

Uh, honey.

I'm afraid that this arrangement isn't really working out. I mean, you're

starting to bring personal feelings into this.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

I won't do it again. Thank you.

Now, if you want to have dinner with Betty Aronson, I'll get the little tramp

the phone.

Yes, Lillian?

It's Mr. Kruger.

Okay, thank you.

Hey, I'll tell you what. Why don't we just start over, okay?

If you want, I can come back when happy hour is over.

Hey, Mr.

Kruger, where are your buildings?

Right off the corner of Nostrand Avenue near Kishinev.

I know that area. Those are all slum buildings.

You sent that young lady?

Slum is a word invented by communists.

My buildings are landmarks.

Are you kidding? Half that block is burnt out.

It's bad enough you rent those apartments. Now you want to try and kick

poor people out into the street?

See you, young lady. How can you work for a man like this?

You ought to be defending the people he's kicking out.

What is this?

A law officer's sort of red fraud.

The Rabinowitz's will not represent a slumlord like you. Right? What?

Fine. There are plenty other lawyers that will.

No, no, Mr.

Kruger, really, Miss Bunker didn't know what she was saying. I think she... I

can't believe that you did that.

You wouldn't have represented that guy.

I would have explained his case.

At our Monday conference, with my recommendation not to take it.

That's how we do things around here.

What the hell did you just say to Mr. Kruger?

Nothing. Nothing? He stormed out of here curting. You know that man could have

represented thousands of dollars of business for the firm? Look,

made and said that got missed. You blew it again, didn't you?

You are totally incompetent as usual.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Now stop yelling at Gary. This was my fault.

Well, it's very noble of you, Cupcake, but I'm not buying. I don't think Uncle

Abe is going to like this.

Uh -uh -uh.

Don't worry. I'll explain how it happened.

Billy, honey, I would never want anything like this to

come between us, you know?

Neither would I.

I love you very much.

You're sweet.

And you're fired.

I'm fired?

Mm -hmm.

You're firing me?

Well, to save our relationship.

What relationship?

Honey, now we have to talk this over.

There's nothing to talk about. I tried to help you, and what did you do? I

you. As if I were nobody.

Even if I did overstep my bounds a little with Mr. Kruger.

You didn't give me a chance to learn.

You would have never treated any other secretary that way.

Oh, you're right.

Then why me?

Honey, you wouldn't have treated any other employer the way you treated me.

I mean, look what you did.

You hid my painting, redid my office, rewrote my letters.

And then...

After you left, I discovered the worst thing of all.

What? You went into the top right -hand drawer of my desk and ate my emergency

Malamars.

Would you do that to any other boss?

Well, no.

I guess you're right.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

I'm sorry, too.

You know, my uncle Saul told me ten years ago this wouldn't work out.

He told you about this ten years ago?

Well, see, my uncle had this expression.

What?

Well, roughly translated, if your sweetheart works for you, it's a

full of herring.

supposed to mean?

Well, it means this is too much herring.

Hey,

boss, guess what Billy's doing?

I know what she's doing. She's dumping Rabinowitz.

Boy, I never got dumped like that.