All language subtitles for archie_bunker_s_place_s04e06_stay_out_of_my_briefs

All right, let's see, Kuznitsky's
napkins is $47 .50.

Chuck's for me is $842 .21.

Intervera Tower Service is $87.

Let's see what that gives us here.

Jeez, I hate this rotten machine.

Something wrong, Archie? Oh, no, nothing
at all, except this here Jap calculator

tells me that my bills for last week was
$1 ,837 ,012.

That's Reaganomics for you.

Hey, please, don't be smart.

Now, don't be smart.

The president's tinkle -down theories
need a little time to tinkle down over

nation.

I'm talking about this here machine.
Sometimes I think it makes mistakes on

purpose. The machine makes mistakes?

Yes, yes, yes. I'm willing to believe
it's another sneak -jab attack on

Then why use it? Add the figures in your
head.

How am I going to add in my head when I
only got ten fingers on my hand?

Can I ask you an important question?

Make it fast.

Can't you see I'm busy here?

Can I have a raise?

No. Goodbye.

Please. Now, you see, I'm up to my
eyebrows in work here, and where the

Rick Benowitz? I ain't seen hide a hair
of him for a week.

That's because Gary's not just a
bookkeeper. He's an important lawyer.

Get out of here. If he was important,
they wouldn't let him work for me.

I'm cracking up, Marsha. I can't take
it. You'll get through everything.

Hey, kid.

Barry. I've asked you not to call me
kid. It beats wimp.

Have you got the Fullerton research
memos for me? When have I had the time?

You've given me all this other work.

You are such a mess.

If you followed my example, you would be
a lot more organized.

No, if I followed your example, I'd be
divorced with herpes.

I shouldn't be hearing this.

I'm going to have to do the research on
the Fullerton case myself.

And Marsha is going to work for me this
week. Oh, no. No, no, no. You're not

going to take Marsha. Marsha belongs to
me. Marsha is the best researcher in the

firm. I want her.

Well, you can't have her. Wait a minute.

You're not talking about a piece of meat
here.

This is a human being.

Marsha, don't get carried away.

Funny.

I think that I should have a say in who
I work for.

After all, I am your cousin.

Marsha, everyone here is our cousin.

Yes,

Lillian? It's Bunker again. You've got
to do something.

He's threatening to come down here, and
he says he's not bluffing. Don't worry.

That means he's bluffing.

Why? Why is this happening to me? Why?

You wanted Bunker as a client.

Hello.

What are you doing sitting on your butt
over in your office and I got a mountain

of work to do?

Bunker, how pleasant to hear your voice.

What's the problem, Bunker? The problem
is, is all this addition here helped me.

Yes, I went to law school. Come on, will
you repeat what's going on? All right,

I'll get... Bunker, what happened to

this calculator?

The calculator fell.

It fell?

Are you kidding?

This thing looks like it was attacked
with a hammer.

It fell on a hammer.

Twice.

I thought that a cup of coffee might
help perk you up. He don't need no

up. Jeez.

When he's around you, what he needs is a
little hosing down.

Now, come on. Let the man do his work,
will you? And you do yours.

And no fooling around in here while I'm
way over by the bar.

My lady, don't waste no paper in there.

What happened to the calculator?

That's Archie's retaliation for Pearl
Harbor.

Oy.

I've heard that oy before.

Did your Uncle Abe call you a schlemiel
today?

Today?

No.

No, I'm just drowning in paperwork, you
know. Every one at the office has been

given an important case except me. And I
get all the piddly ones.

Like the Schwarzkopf divorce.

This woman goes into a male strip show
and finds out that her husband, this

small businessman, is the star.

Can we get a ticket?

We don't want tickets.

And then, this morning, my brother Barry
walks in and takes Marsha away from me.

Now I need to find a temporary
secretary.

Temporary secretary, huh?

Look no further.

Billy. No, no, honey.

Come on, I know what you're thinking.
No, you couldn't be a legal secretary.

Why not?

Well, it requires a lot of typing.

Well, I type 70 words a minute.

Yeah?

Yeah, but, you know, there's a lot more
to it than that. I mean, there's also

shorthand. Straight A's through high
school.

Really?

Hey, but, you know, the legal profession
is a very...

complicated business.

I mean, there's terms and words and,
hey, sometimes even I don't understand

Are you saying that I'm not smart enough
to handle the job?

No, no, honey, I'm not saying anything
like that.

You're the one who's always encouraging
me to better myself.

Now a chance comes along and you won't
let me take it.

Oh, sweetheart.

Let's face it, you work here.

Well, only because Archie says if I
don't, he'll be on a table with tubes up

nose.

Well, then how could you possibly work
for me?

Well, I don't have to quit my job here.
I can have Archie put me on the night

shift. Then I can work for both of you.

No, you can't.

Billy, I ain't gonna have my carefully
planned schedules here snaffled by you.

You heard him. I'm sorry.

Wait a minute.

I'm not going to be a waitress for the
rest of my life. I happen to be very

interested in the legal profession.

Now, you wait a minute. The secretary is
the last thing I'm going to allow you

to do.

I mean, working around all of them
electronical typewriters and copying

can be very, very bad for a girl's,
forgive the expression, hormones.

I don't believe this.

You don't believe this? I read this in
the National Enquirer. You don't believe

that? What the hell are you going to
believe?

That she had four identical twin
tuppies.

Two one week and two the next.

Now, case closed, Billy. Case closed.
Please, huh?

Case closed.

Case closed.

Archie, either I work the night shift or
I'll quit. Billy, you don't want to do

that. Come on, she ain't got a quiz.

Oh, no?

I'd quit.

Oh, come on, come on.

Think about what you're doing. You would
be leaving your poor uncle there in the

lurch. Hey, don't forget the tubes.

Tubes.

With me, you'd make a few calls, you'd
type a few letters, and then after a

week, you'll be out on the street,
wandering, lonely.

Oh, and not only that, by the time you
were ready to come back there, maybe I'd

have a replacement for you.

Well, I'll find another job.

Oh, hey, hey, jobs ain't gonna tingle
down that fast.

See you at home, Archie. Billy.

Billy!

Billy, wait a minute.

Don't be running out the door on me
there.

Now listen, I said no before. I had to
change my mind.

After all, you're going on 20 years of
age and I think you're entitled to make

this one decision.

So I'll let you wait there.

Just don't face none of the machines.

You can wait for one week and one week
on.

I was hoping that you'd see it my way.
Thank you.

I suppose this makes you happy.

Why wouldn't I be happy?

Okay, honey, now let me tell you all
about the file cabinet.

Now, in the top drawer, I keep all my
incoming correspondence.

Now, in this drawer over here, I keep
copies of my outgoing correspondence.

And, oh.

What is this?

It's, uh, my blanket.

Why?

Uncle Abe keeps turning up the air
conditioning.

He sweats a lot.

Hey, Ed.

Ooh, a little cupcake.

What are you doing here?

Hello, Harry.

Barry.

Don't tell me you're the kid's new
secretary.

Well, life in the office is going to be
a lot more interesting from now on.

Barry, don't you have some widow you can
foreclose on?

Funny, kid.

Uncle Nate wants to see you.

You. Welcome to the firm, Cupcake. We
are going to see a lot of each other.

Thanks for the warning.

Look,

honey, I got to go talk to Uncle Nate.

You want to just go ahead and start on
that?

Oh, sure. Now, don't worry about
anything.

Everything is going to be fine. We'll
have a wonderful week together.

Well, I just wouldn't want anything to
go wrong between us.

Oh, now what could go wrong?

Nothing if you keep doing that.

I am going to be the perfect secretary.
You'll love everything I do.

Oh, that's great.

I can't look at that thing all week.

at least fix this place up in two days.
If I didn't know better, I'd say this is

the office of an adult.

Don't you think it's time you stopped
putting your brother down?

Don't you think it's time that we went
out to lunch together?

I've made reservations for two at Maison
Fromage.

Sorry, I never eat at restaurants whose
names I can't translate.

Excuse me.

Besides, Gary and I are going to eat at
one of his favorite places.

The Whistle Stop?

Mm -hmm.

You can't eat there, Cupcake. The food
is terrible.

Well, then why does Gary eat there all
the time?

Because they spend your sandwich around
you on a little electric train.

Sounds like fun.

The novelty wears off very soon. You see
your hamburger derailed on a fast

curve.

Excuse me.

Back again, huh? Didn't you used to work
around here? I happen to be a very busy

kid, and I came in to tell you that a
Mr. Kruger is coming in in less than ten

minutes, and you are going to talk to
him, and there is your memo.

Barry, I can't do that. I'm already
overloaded with cases.

You know, the Schwarzkopf divorce is
turning really nasty. That's a pushover.

Well, you think so.

Now his wife is threatening to drag his
leopard -skin G -string into court.

Handle it.

Handle it.

Handle it?

Cancel your lunch at Choo Choo Heaven.

I'll be back.

Abuse like that is why I slept with a
nightlight till I was 20.

Forget about him. Let's move on to the
correspondence.

Honey, I really wish you hadn't taken
down that painting.

I hated it. I painted it.

Oh.

Anyhow, what do you think of your desk?

Oh, hey, the desk.

The desk looks fantastic. I mean, it's
so neat, and it's... Another

new plant?

Mm -hmm.

This looks like it hates Jews.

Trust me, you'll love them once you get
used to them.

I'll try.

Oh, hey, is this the letter I asked you
to type for me? Uh -huh.

Is it okay?

Yeah, it's a nice job. Look at...

Wait a minute.

What's this word?

Jubilant?

Oh, you wrote happy.

That sounds so lame. Jubilant is better.
Believe me.

Billy, you cut out the whole third
paragraph about the lessor and the

No, I didn't cut it. I summarized it
there at the bottom. The way you had it

written, nobody could have understood
it.

Billy, nobody is supposed to understand
it except lawyers.

If everybody could understand this
stuff, I'd be selling shoes.

How could you just retype the letter the
way I dictated it?

Well, okay, if I can find it.

Oh, hey, were there any calls?

Oh, yes. A woman named Betty called.

Who's Betty? Oh, Betty Aronson. She's a
client.

A client who called three times in 20
minutes?

Well, she's probably anxious about
something.

Well, she is. She can't wait to find out
if you'll have dinner with her tonight.

Billy, now come on, honey. This is
business.

I have to go out to dinner with clients
all the time.

Could you just get her on the phone for
me, please?

I can't. I have to retype a letter,
remember?

Uh, Billy.

Uh, honey.

I'm afraid that this arrangement isn't
really working out. I mean, you're

starting to bring personal feelings into
this.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

I won't do it again. Thank you.

Now, if you want to have dinner with
Betty Aronson, I'll get the little tramp

the phone.

Yes, Lillian?

It's Mr. Kruger.

Okay, thank you.

Hey, I'll tell you what. Why don't we
just start over, okay?

If you want, I can come back when happy
hour is over.

Hey, Mr.

Kruger, where are your buildings?

Right off the corner of Nostrand Avenue
near Kishinev.

I know that area. Those are all slum
buildings.

You sent that young lady?

Slum is a word invented by communists.

My buildings are landmarks.

Are you kidding? Half that block is
burnt out.

It's bad enough you rent those
apartments. Now you want to try and kick

poor people out into the street?

See you, young lady. How can you work
for a man like this?

You ought to be defending the people
he's kicking out.

What is this?

A law officer's sort of red fraud.

The Rabinowitz's will not represent a
slumlord like you. Right? What?

Fine. There are plenty other lawyers
that will.

No, no, Mr.

Kruger, really, Miss Bunker didn't know
what she was saying. I think she... I

can't believe that you did that.

You wouldn't have represented that guy.

I would have explained his case.

At our Monday conference, with my
recommendation not to take it.

That's how we do things around here.

What the hell did you just say to Mr.
Kruger?

Nothing. Nothing? He stormed out of here
curting. You know that man could have

represented thousands of dollars of
business for the firm? Look,

made and said that got missed. You blew
it again, didn't you?

You are totally incompetent as usual.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Now stop
yelling at Gary. This was my fault.

Well, it's very noble of you, Cupcake,
but I'm not buying. I don't think Uncle

Abe is going to like this.

Uh -uh -uh.

Don't worry. I'll explain how it
happened.

Billy, honey, I would never want
anything like this to

come between us, you know?

Neither would I.

I love you very much.

You're sweet.

And you're fired.

I'm fired?

Mm -hmm.

You're firing me?

Well, to save our relationship.

What relationship?

Honey, now we have to talk this over.

There's nothing to talk about. I tried
to help you, and what did you do? I

you. As if I were nobody.

Even if I did overstep my bounds a
little with Mr. Kruger.

You didn't give me a chance to learn.

You would have never treated any other
secretary that way.

Oh, you're right.

Then why me?

Honey, you wouldn't have treated any
other employer the way you treated me.

I mean, look what you did.

You hid my painting, redid my office,
rewrote my letters.

And then...

After you left, I discovered the worst
thing of all.

What? You went into the top right -hand
drawer of my desk and ate my emergency

Malamars.

Would you do that to any other boss?

Well, no.

I guess you're right.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

I'm sorry, too.

You know, my uncle Saul told me ten
years ago this wouldn't work out.

He told you about this ten years ago?

Well, see, my uncle had this expression.

What?

Well, roughly translated, if your
sweetheart works for you, it's a

full of herring.

supposed to mean?

Well, it means this is too much herring.

Hey,

boss, guess what Billy's doing?

I know what she's doing. She's dumping
Rabinowitz.

Boy, I never got dumped like that.