Original subtitles

Are you kidding?

Is that what they said?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I'll let you know how it turns out, Amy.

I live to tell about it.

What'll I do?

Well, I don't know about what.

The word in the grapevine is that Danny Ferguson is gonna ask me out.

Well, that's terrific.

You said that all the girls in school were after him. Yes.

Jennifer Mandel beat up her sister just to get a date with him.

This would be the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

Except for one problem.

Yeah.

Okay. You let me take care of Archie, and you'll have your date with Danny.

Thanks, Billy.

I just realized I got a bigger problem.

There is no bigger problem.

Compared to Danny, I'm just a kid.

I mean, he's so cool.

Sophisticated. So grown up.

How much older is he?

A whole year.

A May -December romance.

Just think, when you're 50, he'll be 51.

Come on, be serious. I am serious. Okay, I'll give you a few pointers.

Okay.

Now, remember, men want to be fascinating.

So if he says to you, two plus two is four, you say, gee, I never thought of

that way.

Gee, I never thought of it that way.

Very natural. Let's move on to dance.

I know how to dance.

Yeah, but there's something extra I want to show you.

It's not Archie Station.

Supermarket music.

You're pretty good at leading.

That's a good line.

No, I mean it. Yeah, yeah, keep insisting, no matter how bad he is.

And then stare deeply into his eyes as you compliment his shirt.

Why do I like his shirt?

So that you can mention how nicely it fits his physique.

Oh, another thing.

Always, always...

She's so experienced.

I'm glad you're on my side.

Okay, now why don't you try it? Okay.

I like your shirt.

And I love the way it features the feet.

If you're teaching her how to dance so she can go out with Freud with boys

there, you're wasting your time.

She ain't gonna go out with no boys for a long time.

When?

I would say 1989.

The spring of that year.

When Fairley's Comet next comes through.

Billy's just teaching me how to be charming.

Oh, yeah? What are you teaching her that for? She don't got to be charmer than

nobody but me.

You really want to be charming. You know what to do?

I know. Get you a beer.

No. Take out the cup.

I would call that charm.

And then get me this.

And I don't call this very charming.

All these brassiere and cramp magazines all over my chair.

All right, leave them there for the time being, you know. I mean, I'd rather

have them there at this particular moment than all over my bathroom.

Billy,

you should have been there.

After all these years, I finally showed that brother of mine who was the better

man. It's wonderful.

There they were.

Tickets for the Nick Celtics game. Saturday night.

Barry wanted them. I wanted them. The law firm only had two left.

Look who came out on top.

I'm so proud of you. How'd y 'all box him? We flicked a coin.

Billy, Danny Ferguson did it.

He asked you out. Yes. Now all my best friends hate me. That's terrific.

How do we get Uncle Archie to let me go?

Uh, that's a two -step process.

First step, brain surgery.

Of course, with his brain, it would have to be microsurgery.

Hey, how you doing there, kiddo? Hey, for lunch, I can recommend the chicken

brawoo, the veal jose, or the weenies and the beans.

What do you want?

I want to go out with Danny Ferguson on Saturday night.

What? If I don't go out with him, everyone in school will think he dumped

I'll never live it down.

Try.

Archie, they'll make fun of her. Now, you know what it feels like when someone

makes fun of you. You should.

Ah, the better that your voice carries over here.

Stay out of this.

She ain't going out with some boy with two big feet and seven hands.

All alone.

Plenty of girls in my class go out on dates.

You can forget about it.

Then we'll... go with her. What?

We will?

Yes, the two of us.

You can't object to that, can you?

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. Yeah, I think I could object to that.

can I. Billy, that's when we have the tickets for the Knicks game.

It'll ruin the whole night.

Ruin the night for you? Well, I don't have no strong objections to that.

In fact, I'll tell you what.

If you two want to go out with them two there, you could go with my blessing and

I will make use of these useless... That's real thoughtful, Bunker. But

happen to be mine. I had to fight my brother tooth and nail to get these.

You see this here? You got a serious problem. He's no help at all.

Come on, Harry.

What's really more important?

This little mix game or this?

We're all waiting for an answer.

I got another coin.

Okay.

Well, now, see, to me, this seems very fair.

The two of you here can watch her and her itchy -fingered escort while I'm

watching ten talented colored guys jumping out of their shorts.

Boss, what are you going to do with that extra ticket?

Yeah.

Oh, well, it's only one.

You boys will have to fight it out to twist yourselves.

But please, please, no knives.

Thanks, Gary.

Don't mention it.

Please.

And thanks, Billy.

Let's go. Us girls have to stick together.

Valencio out there, huh?

One of yous will have to be content with a soccer game.

And the perimeter of the Great Pyramid is equal to the number of days in a

Which they now work out to be 300 and something. Ain't that amazing?

Divided by twice the height of the pyramid gives the value of pi, or 3 .14.

Well, what do you think?

I think you look great.

Yeah, I think you're blocking the television set.

This stuff comes with a written guarantee. It's called submission.

Giles, Giles, how are you making me miss my science show on here?

Bunker, how can you watch this garbage?

Garbage? You call this garbage?

This show, in search of the discreditable, is the most important

ever been on a tube.

This man is boring.

Well, don't watch the men. How would him? Watch the pictures there.

This show proves that the pyramids was built by ancient astronauts.

I don't believe that, do you?

Now, what are you going to do? Argue with television, huh?

And even the National Enquirer published photographs of prehistorical

spaceships. Wait, how could they possibly have photographs?

The course we've been in was, don't you know that nowadays they can take

pictures of anything you want?

Past, present, or future.

There's no hope.

You better get that.

I'll get it. You'll get it.

Hi,

Danny. Hi, Stephanie.

Don't forget what I told you.

Uncle Archie, this is Danny Ferguson. Hi,

sorry I'm late, but I got really caught up in a Ronald Reagan movie.

Oh, Ronald Reagan movie, huh? What are you, a Ronald Reagan fan?

Oh, yeah, he's my idol.

Oh, this is a young man with a little class.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I'm interrupting your program.

Oh, no, no, that's okay. I've seen this three times.

You have?

Yes. That's why I'm just beginning to understand it here.

This is highly scientific stuff. You don't soak this up at a glance.

Oh, Danny, this is Billy and Gary. Hi, Danny. Hi. Hello.

Hi. It's a sensible young man you're going out with.

You like Reagan, huh?

Oh, yeah, I sure do.

And what a shame about Al Haig. My father cried when he left.

It's not a fact, huh?

Well, your father must be a fine man.

Well, you tell your father, don't worry about Al Haig, because Al Haig will be

back. He will be back.

I think we better go now.

Hey, listen, there's a terrific movie.

No, I thought we were going to Skate World.

Skate what?

You know, they play rock music and we roller skate.

Hey, sorry, guys. I can't go.

No skates?

We rent them.

You know, I just remembered.

I don't know how to skate.

Boy, what a dummy.

I'll teach you.

Thanks. I'll be thinking about you, Rabinowitz, eh?

When I'm enjoying the Knicks the best in Spare Guard.

I like your shirt.

I love the way it fits your physique.

Mr. Rabinowitz.

Uh, Rabinowitz. Yes, the usual table. Yeah, great, Curly, thanks.

Okay, easy, easy.

All right. Okay. All right.

Oh, I will never walk again.

Sure you will. It wasn't a bad fall.

Oh, actually, the falling down was fun.

What I hated was getting run over.

Fine, in a week you won't even be able to see the wheel mark.

This is the last time I take part in any sport that requires movement.

Excuse me, Stephanie, Danny, could you join us, please, now? Thank you. These

kids will never forget this night.

I mean, Sam Woo's, it's an experience, you know?

So, you having a good time, Steph?

The important thing is, are you? The best, and it gets better and better.

You think you know fun?

You wait till you taste that footlong egg roll.

Taste it?

Danny's going to have to help me lift it.

I'm losing my appetite.

You come here, you better be hungry.

Menus? Oh, no, Curly, we don't need them. Everything here is great.

Hey, listen, what's that fabulous smell?

We'll have some of that.

That's air freshener.

You better give us menus.

I'll have what Danny's having.

Okay.

Let's start with Sam Wu's wonton wonton. Great.

Stephanie hates wonton. Oh, no, I don't. I love wonton.

Really? To me, it's not the food that counts.

It's the company.

Number seven is fine.

And the company is fantastic.

Just tea, thank you.

A second ago, you were starving.

Well, I think I've now filled up on too much company.

Okay, Curly, make it three number sevens and an extra order of the Great Wall of

Rice. Perfect.

Steph and I have to go to the ladies' room.

Oh, no, I don't.

I'm okay, but you're a scary smear.

Excuse us.

So, Danny, at the age of 15, you have dedicated your life to roller skating

worshipping Reagan, huh? Some story, huh? Steph asked me to say that, junk.

Oh, so you mean your father didn't really cry over Al Haig?

Who is this Al Haidt?

He's one of Archie's heroes, along with Goldwater, Nixon, and Sammy Davis Jr.

Who's Sammy Davis Jr.? My mascara wasn't running,

but your motor sure was.

What was it you were trying to do out there?

What do you mean?

Exactly what you told me.

I need more lip gloss.

Maybe I did tell you to act that way, but I didn't mean to act that way. You

it all wrong.

There's my Olympic loss.

It's working, though.

Did you see the way you looked at me?

The whole restaurant saw. Why do you think everybody was blushing?

I don't know what's bugging you, Billy, but take my advice.

Act nice to Gary or you'll lose him to some girl who knows what's what.

Annie.

Legend has it that the original Sam Wu defected from Peking right after the

revolution. No kidding. It's an incredible song. Sorry we took so long.

That's okay. We'll make up for lost time. Sounds good to me.

Knock it off, huh?

It's good. It's real music. What do you think, Steph?

I think I want what you want.

Let's go check out the jukebox.

Isn't this fun?

I sense a problem here.

Did I do something wrong?

No, I think I did.

Stephanie is at that awkward age where she needs help with the opposite sex.

I can relate.

Mary, I'm serious.

Don't you see what's happening?

Yeah, sure I do.

I see that a 15 -year -old kid who spends most of his life popping wheelies

doing better on a date than I am.

My dead body.

Well, tonight I wouldn't know the difference.

This is helpless. Can we make this a quick meal, please? You want it quick?

Fine. Whatever you want.

Footlong egg roll.

Great wall of rice.

Chef for starters.

This may take a while.

I'm one of the best good boots.

Can I get my fill?

She tried to ruin my date with Danny Ferguson.

That's what a chaperone's supposed to do, ruin a date. Good work, Barbara Lee.

I'm the one who should be upset.

Do you realize that you spent five minutes saying goodnight to Danny on his

porch? Hey, hey, that upsets me.

What, Gary and I just sat in the car?

We didn't have to just sit.

Hey, Barbara, maybe they'll have a recap of that great basketball game here. The

Knicks won it in triple overtime.

Triple overtime?

Yeah, you missed us.

You know something, Billy?

I thought you were my friend.

I am, but you were acting like a little flirt.

Triple overtime?

Yeah, there was great seats you had.

It's not fair.

No matter what I do, I can't win.

Ah, here it goes.

Females always running up the stairs.

The old ones go slow, the young ones go fast, but it's always up the stairs.

Well, Bunker, you handle this with the wisdom of Solomon.

Yeah, well, thank you.

But even Solomon with his 500 wives had to get some sleep, you know.

So that's what I'm going to do now.

Uh, listen, when I'm upstairs, I don't want to hear no scuffling down here, you

know? And, uh, please, lights out in five minutes?

Mm -hmm. No problem.

I don't know about that. You've got to be out of here.

Don't bang that door on me. I don't want to talk to you either.

He's a delightful host, isn't he?

This whole thing is my fault. I turned Stephanie into Jezebel. Come on, Lee.

meant well.

Of course, so did Dr.

Frankenstein.

How can I be so dumb?

It's easy.

We have all been raised with some pretty crazy ideas, you know?

Guys have to be macho.

Girls have to be soft.

Gentle.

Loving.

Perfectionist. Well, what do I do?

Be honest.

Just say you were out of your mind when you told her those things and she was

out of hers when she listened to them.

I guess you should just tell her to be herself.

You're right.

Sometimes you're pretty smart.

No, not tonight.

If I was smart, I would have gone to the Knicks game.

See you tomorrow?

Uh -huh.

Well, right after I see the chiropractor.

I don't know where I got off giving you lessons in life.

I should have just kept my mouth shut.

You were a real drag.

I know.

I should have never told you how to act.

The real you is fine.

And if a guy doesn't like you the way you are, then he's not worth knowing.

You mean that?

How can a guy get to know you if you're playing a role?

I guess that's what gives guys the wrong idea.

Anyway, I won't be seeing Danny again.

Why not?

When he kept holding me out on his porch, he was asking me to come over

Saturday night.

So?

His parents would be out of town.

Oh.

Come on in.

The two of you finished fighting with each other?

Yep. We have friends again.

Good.

Anybody feel like a sandwich?

No, and you shouldn't be having one either at midnight.

Midnight is when I need it, honey.

To settle my stomach so I can sleep.

You know, it's going to be something like my usual beer and a little salami

melba toast.

Come on, don't give me the looks. The two of you should eat a little more

salami.

It's very excellent for the complexion.

Lock it up. Lock it up.