Original subtitles

With an angel, gonna see her at seven, gotta date with an angel, and I'm on

my way to heaven.

Uh, uh, Barney, please spare us your melodies, huh?

I can't help it, Arch. Oh, here's that toilet saver I promised you. You can't,

it's in the over the bar.

Let's have a short one, huh, Harry?

You know something, Barney, seeing you lately, you know, laughing, singing,

whistling, that taught me something about you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. When you're happy, you're very annoying.

Do I sense a note of jealousy here? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact that one of us has a dynamite lifestyle filled with

attractive women, while the other one can't even hold on to one of you.

Catherine, Catherine, go ahead. You can mention her name any time you want.

You said it. I didn't.

Listen, Catherine and me, we just split up because we couldn't do this.

I mean, we wasn't prepared.

Don't get me into these conversations.

And don't mention her name no more. Nobody.

You know something? I used to be confused like you. Then I did something

changed my whole life. What did you do?

Buy one of them life -size blow -up rubber Dacron dolls.

Shame. I'm a swinger, not a private.

I joined the Astoria Singles Club.

That club is Capriva's.

You're wrong.

Because within the last two weeks, I have dated five very attractive women.

that doesn't include Madeline tonight.

You ought to join. I ain't interested, Barney.

Okay, fine.

That's okay. I'm just trying to help.

You want to help me?

Yes. Pay your tab.

I'd like to, Arch. But my recent social activities have left me financially

embarrassed. At least for the moment.

Well, I got to run.

Put that on my tab.

I'm sitting on top of the world.

Just singing my song.

Just rolling along.

He's been living alone too long.

I'm ready. Oh, okay. Listen to this.

As I turned without warning, Andre crushed me to his chest. I felt his

lips against mine, burning out the memories of Reginald.

My fingers gently traced the tiny portion of the dueling scar that curred

beneath his eye patch.

Take me, I murmured. Take me now.

Where does she want to go?

Next chapter.

Anyway, no one knows more about romance than Arabella Witherspoon.

And it says she learned it all after she was too old to drive and had to hire a

chauffeur.

Not until you're still here, huh? I thought this was going out. We are.

going to see Tron.

Tron. Is there anybody I know?

The movie about this guy who gets trapped in a video game.

There's computer images and lasers and lots of neat special effects.

You want to go?

No, I hate all special effects.

I'd rather see a spider crawling up the drapes.

Come on, Archie. You don't want to spend the whole night alone by yourself.

I don't mind. I got the TV here. I don't need people to entertain me.

Good night.

Come on, Sam.

The two of us will be back by 11 o 'clock now.

I mean, remember, New York is the most dangerous city west of Newark.

Hmm.

Wild Kingdom.

Marlin and...

Jim attempted tag to ferocious American grizzly bear. Last show of series.

I ain't surprised.

Leave it to Beaver. Beaver and Whitey play hooky, but are reported by Eddie

Gaskell. God, what a thrill.

Yeah, all right.

I'm coming to the door.

I'm opening the door for you.

Hi, Arch.

Hi.

Come on in. Thanks.

I was just thinking about calling you up. No kidding.

Yeah. Well, well, well, look at the jacket.

Did the horse holler stop thief when you robbed that horse?

That ain't funny, Arch.

I call this the Hefner look.

Understated elegance.

Well, anyway, I was just thinking that we ain't bold in a long time. Why don't

we go roll a few lines?

Gee, I can't. You know, I'm all dressed up here for Madeline tonight.

You mean to tell me you'd rather spend the evening with some woman you hardly

even know instead of your oldest and dearest friend?

Wait.

To who you owe hundreds of dollars to?

In a word, yes.

After all, I promised the woman. And you know the old saying.

Sure, I know. A dope's void is his bond.

Why'd you come over here? To torture me?

I came over for shaving lotion.

You know that aftershave I gave you for Christmas? Could I borrow a little?

I poured it down the sink.

Finally, it made me smell like a mackerel. All it had was folly in the

A simple no would suffice. Yeah, well, a simple scram would suffice for you.

Don't hang around here. I don't want to waste my time in you there.

I can just stay here alone and curled up and prove my mind with one of them

hysterical novels.

Don't be mad, Arch. I want to be mad.

Look, we can bowl tomorrow.

Forget it, forget it, forget tomorrow.

Go on, get on your way.

I don't care if I see you tomorrow.

In fact, I don't care when I see you. Goodbye forever.

Pick up, table nine.

Ah, you can keep your high -class polishes there, you know.

The old -fashioned spit, that's what does the job.

Did you see more beautiful shining up, Mr. Bernard?

Not lately.

Hey,

Mr. Bernard, you're looking good. Take my word for it.

Yeah, you too.

Hiya, Harry. I'm a tall, cool one. What do you say, Arch? You're not still mad

about last night, are you? Ah, forget about last night. We're going bowling

tonight, huh?

Oh, gee, I can't.

Tonight is mixer night at the Astoria Singles Club.

What are you going to do, stand me up again?

Arch, you like dancing. Come with me. No, I want to go bowling.

But, Arch, tonight is ladies' league.

You know how all those female voices always throw your ball off?

Well,

it looks like the mix is the only game in town.

Now, go mix a drink, will you?

Can I get a word in here?

Yes, certainly, Mr. Bernard, any time.

I can understand your reluctant touch.

These single clubs don't seem to be the ideal way to meet the opposite sex.

Say, hey, you don't have to tell me. Tell them. On the other hand, some

seem to enjoy them very much.

You won't know unless you give it a try.

Well, let me ask you this. How many of these mixes you've built?

Me?

Why, none.

Ah, see?

So all them things you're saying for me, they're just as good for you. I mean,

to say you're going to be home tonight alone watching The Blind Kingdom, eh?

I rest my case.

Barney. Yes, Mr. Benhart? Can you bring more than one guest?

Oh, sure.

Arch? Get your glad rags on and get ready to dance the tea party.

What?

You and I are going to the Astoria Singles Club tonight.

Mr.

Bernard, I ain't there. I'm over here.

Oh.

Go ahead, Archie. Try it. Don't fight it.

Come on, Arch. You'll have fun.

No, and that's final. Arch, go with me.

All right, Mr. Van Laat. After all, how bad can it be?

It can be very bad.

I figure I gotta go with you, if only to point you the way to the chance to tell

it. Right.

Might just be fun.

I hate fun.

The joint is jumping. He means the torch is about to begin, Mr. Bell.

Lucy, when I asked you out, you said you were leaving town.

Oh, I was, Barney, but I need an operation.

Well, I'll see you after that.

I don't think I'm going to pull through.

Isn't that tragic?

Well, Barney, everybody's got to go sometime.

Hey, Jenny.

When you gave me your phone number, you made a mistake. I called it. It was a

proctologist's office.

I know.

You didn't get that, huh, Barney? I did.

Here's the table over here, Mr. Van. Now, here, feel the chair. It's right in

front of you. Oh, thanks, thanks.

Attaboy. Sit right down. I mean, this is nice.

Van, sounds great.

Thanks, Mr. Van Auer. I'm glad that somebody appreciates a classy club like

this. A classy club like this? Barney, I just hate chasing women, you know? It

makes me feel like a dope.

But you like that, huh?

Oh, yeah.

See, he likes being a dope.

You guys just sit here. I'm going to scout around.

Well, don't be running off. They'll leave us on our own.

It's okay. We can handle it ourselves.

Oh, I know that.

Don't you worry, Mr. Vanna. I'm going to check everybody out. We ain't got to

get stuck with nobody we don't like. Thanks, but that's not going to be

necessary.

Says you.

You can't see what's coming in here at 12 o 'clock high.

Good evening.

I just wondered if this attractive gentleman would care to dance?

Excuse me, lady, but you can't do nothing with him. He's a blind man.

Go on, let her try.

Well, I certainly wouldn't ask you. You look sluggish.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let me tell you something. I could dance rings around you.

Though it might take me a while.

Johnny, come on, let's dance. Oh, thank you.

I'm gonna find a refreshment table. Oh, now be careful now. Oh, go on, you're

rolling over there. Be careful. I say...

Everybody on the desk floor, look out, blind man coming through.

Where's Mr. Van Aar going?

Uh, he's headed for the refreshment table.

I do believe he found it.

Hey, Arch, our merriment is about to begin.

There's Eloise, and she's got a friend with her, an attractive friend.

Don't start, huh, Barney?

Eloise, over here.

Here they come. Not bad, huh?

Hi, Barney.

Suck my blood.

If it isn't my little Halloween.

Barney, you're such a car.

Yeah. That is my sister Madge from Atlantic City.

Oh, a showgirl, huh?

Barney, am I to kid her?

Yeah. Don't stand there like a klutz. Give me a knockdown. Oh, yeah, I'm

This is Archie Bunker, my good friend.

Madge Eloise.

Eloise and Madge. Hey, well, listen.

Why don't we take the girls for a little spin around the floor?

Yeah, all right, Madge. You willing?

Sure.

Well... See?

I love the Glenn Miller sound.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, yeah, I always loved Glenn Miller. Him and the Dorsey brothers.

They don't write songs like these anymore.

Ah.

Hey, you're a very good dancer.

Yeah. It's the light on your feet.

Hey, see if you can follow me on this one here.

I like that step back, and I think around 1940.

Yeah, well, you know, I had kind of the wrong idea about this place. You know, I

thought we'd come here, you know, and have to...

Mix it up with a bunch of them blue -haired old blisters.

But this is nice, huh?

Did I say something nice?

Oh, no.

It's just that my dead husband Henry danced like you.

Even the dip.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. He had a great suit like this one.

It's the last thing I ever saw him in.

Uh, what do you mean, you're planted a minute?

Henry was a very interesting man.

Yeah, we always say that about the dead.

He was a chief postal clerk.

He knew all the zip codes in the country by heart.

I'll never forget when we met.

I was standing in line.

He told me that my packages were improperly wrapped.

Well, you see, every guy's got a different approach.

You're a lot like him.

Funny.

He was so dashing in his postal uniform.

Uh, funny.

How'd you do?

Well, you seen me, didn't you?

With the dame whose husband died out with the eight -cent stamp.

I'm fine, Mr. Van Arwen. Let's go home.

Not yet.

The night is young, there are still women to meet, and I love the thrill of

chase. Barney, Barney, come here, come here, Barney.

Barney, you're pitiful, Barney, you're pitiful.

What?

Oh, excuse me, but are you a member?

No, I ain't a member. I come with the guy over there dancing with the neon

Oh, you look so familiar to me, just like one of the regulars. Well, I ain't

of the regulars here.

Maybe you've seen me in my bar and grill, Archie Bunker's place, over there

Nordrum Boulevard.

Archie Bunker?

Didn't you live in Long Island City?

Yeah, I practically grew up in Long Island City.

Me too.

My maiden name was Sturdivant.

Stoytoven? Yeah.

Oh, gee, there was a whole family of Stoytovens lived over there on Green

Avenue. I used to run around with one of the boys, Scooter.

Donald. He's my brother.

Donald Scooter was your brother? Oh, you don't say.

Gee, who used you to be?

Oh, I'm still Ann.

Ann, that's right.

Well, gee, what do you know?

But, you know, you don't look a bit like Scooter. He had a long beak on him like

an anteater.

Guess what?

What?

I had a crush on you.

Oh, geez, you don't say.

Oh, yeah.

I was always kind of hoping you'd ask me out during high school, but, you know,

you never came around, Bishop Loughlin.

Oh, no, no, geez, I was always loyal to Brian, you know.

Us Brian boys, we used to walk down one side of the street and the Bishop

Loughlin boys down the other side, you know, and then we'd holler over to them,

Catholicus, Catholicus.

And they'd holler back to us, public is public, you know.

And then we'd all get together in the middle of the street and we'd beat the

hell out of each other.

Sounds like a great time.

Oh, listen, that was the days.

Well, listen,

Ann, I want to ask you a personal question.

Sure.

What is a woman like you doing in a joint like this?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, do you want to come here and be one of these scrounging ladies?

Oh, so that's what we are.

Well, what about you, you beer belly Romeos with the gold chains and the

orthopedic shoes?

Hi, I'm a Taurus. Let's jump in a sec.

Of course, don't look at me.

I'd never say a thing like that, no matter how I'd be thinking it.

Anyway, if that's what you think of the men in here, then how come you come in

here?

I get tired of sitting home alone.

And how many times can you watch Gidget Goes Hawaiian?

Don't you ever get lonely, Archie? No, no. Well, I mean, you know, every so

often. All we want here is just a little conversation and a few laughs.

If we're really lucky.

Some honest affection.

But don't judge her so harshly.

No, no, I don't want to judge nobody. Hey, I mean, if something I said here

a little bit misconstrued, I didn't mean nothing.

I know.

And I'm sorry I got so worked up.

Well, I'd better be going.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

It's a jungle out there, you know. I tell you what.

I'll get somebody to take my blind friend home, and then I'll take you

Well, thanks, but, uh, I'm afraid you're too late.

Arch!

I'm over here. I'm over here, Mr. Ben. Oh.

Edgar!

Oh, Ed.

Edgar?

This is the guy.

Oh, holy cow.

I was just coming to look for you, Edgar.

I'd better be getting home.

Oh, fine, fine.

Arch, uh, thank Barney for me, huh?

I'm going to see Ann home.

Mr. Van Auer, are you sure you ought to attempt this here? I know what you're

thinking. Sure, I had a lot of that punch, but I'm not driving.

All right, Mr. Van Auer, sure.

I'll get my coat.

Good night, Archie. Yeah, yeah, good night.

Good night, Ann.

Arch, how'd I do?

Oh, Mr. Van Auer, you done real good.

I mean, you ought to see her.

Good night, Arch.

Good night, Mr. Bernard.

And, uh, oh, uh, watch that big step out there.

Wow, what an evening.

Are you enjoying yourself yet?

Well, for a minute I thought I was gonna have a little fun, but then, uh, Mr.

Bernard took care of that.

You're gonna get another chance.

Eloise and Madge want us to take them home.

We're ready.

Uh, for what? Who knows?

But first, may I suggest that we all go over to Giuseppe's Grotto for a

nightcap? But, but, but, Barney, Giuseppe's Grotto was way the hell over

Brooklyn. Borough Hall.

The code 11218.

Henry loved it.

And so did you.

Hi,

cutie.

Hey, I was sluggish before. How come I'm cutie now?

It's getting late.

Barney, wait for me, huh?