Original subtitles

Hey, Harry, did you see my little bottle of aqua velveta here?

I put it in the storeroom. I almost made a daiquiri with it.

The storeroom. Why would you put an item like that in the storeroom? Gee, now I

gotta go back here. Listen, when you see anything laying around and it's in the

wrong place, remember, I put it there.

He's going out with Catherine again, huh?

Lucky guy.

I had a date last night with a girl who sneezed right in my face and then swore

up and down it was impossible for her to have a cold.

If you have the flu, you shouldn't have all that liquor on your stomach.

Oh, it's okay, Mr. Van Awe.

I'll probably throw up later anyway.

Maybe you better go home, Barney. Oh, come on, fellas. Look, don't make a

I'd prefer it if nobody noticed my misery.

You sick, Barney?

Oh, hi, Billy. I appreciate your pity, but don't worry, I'm fine.

Are you sure?

You really look gross.

Oh, kind words, Steph.

But really, I'd feel better if you ignored my suffering.

Hey,

Steph, why ain't you out on your bike on this beautiful Saturday afternoon?

I don't have a bike.

Uncle Archie's taking me to the movies.

He is?

Sure. Why, what's wrong?

Nothing. How are you, kid? How are you? You really look nice.

You didn't have to get all dressed up, though. Well, I wanted to make myself

look here way decent, you know, for a date with my best girl.

I just come from the storeroom. How do I smell?

You smell good.

Uh, Stephanie, would you fold the napkins for me?

Sure. Hey, Arch, can I see you over here for a minute fast?

Fast, huh? When I hear that tone of voice, I know that somebody did

stupid. Yeah, you.

Did you promise to take Steffi to a movie?

Oh, my God, I forgot.

Will you stop that? Why are you weeping today?

Oh, I'm not weeping, guys. These are tears of sinus drainage. You see, I have

this complex sinus... Barney.

I don't want to hear none of this.

If you were sick, take your germs and go home.

God,

what an infatuous barrage.

I can see them germs coming at me like little bullets.

And now they're in. And now we're all going to be down.

Arch? Yes, Mr. Bernard.

You ought to have a talk with Tiffany.

Oh, yeah, good advice, good advice.

Um, Archie, you'd better talk to Stephanie.

Please. You don't have to tell me what to do. I already thought of that myself,

you know.

And you got things to do. Don't be giving me orders here. I'm the only one

this establishment to give the orders to everybody.

Uh... Hey, uh, you know...

Uh, listen, I'm, I'm, I'm almost sorry, but I gotta cancel our movie today.

Again? What's it this time?

Oh, no, wait a minute. Don't be sore.

To tell you the truth, I don't think that picture's suitable for children

age.

Annie? You're both the most people in the movie.

Uh, well, that's what I mean.

Uh, I mean...

Why should a big girl like you want to go and see a bunch of little tiny tots

that's rocking around and screaming at each other? They're in handy with the

bacon eyeballs and the more distractions.

Look,

just forget it, okay?

No, no, we don't have to forget it. I mean, we'll get you there. Hey, Billy,

just a minute, please.

Don't be looking at me, you.

Give me a drop of everything you're doing and take the child to the picture

show, huh?

Archie, I'd love to, but I'm working. Always a tricky excuse for everything I

ask.

I bet it's another date with Catherine, right?

Absolutely not.

I mean, you cannot call it a date.

It's just that we're going to get together and go out, you know, fast or

something to eat.

Don't worry, I'll take you to the movies tomorrow.

We can't.

You've got a date with Catherine tomorrow.

No, no, that ain't a date neither. You can't call that a date. You know, we're

just going to get together just to see each other.

Hey, everybody.

Hi. Oh, hi.

Hi. Hi there, honey. How are you? You ready to go? Yeah, yeah, we're ready to

go. And because we're ready to go, I think that we ought to go fast.

Oh, hi, Catherine.

I'm sorry I can't kiss you, but you see, I got this terrible cold. Besides, it

drives away anyway. Yeah, well, that's all right, Barney. I'll take a rain

check. You just take your time and get well, okay?

Okay. She's swell.

Go home. Go home.

Archie, if there's some problem, we don't have to go out. No, no, no

There's nothing, nothing, nothing. Right, kid? Nothing?

Right.

Nothing.

Here, come on. Come on, let's go.

And, you know, fast, huh? Fast.

Hey, stop it, kiddo. Where are you, huh?

God, why when you're sick and fed does everybody else seem to leave town?

I'm coming.

Oh, geez, about time. Where's the beer?

You really should eat something.

No, no, you don't want to eat nothing. I got to force fluids into my system to

conundrate all the germs there.

Well, you're supposed to smother a fever and drown a cold. Didn't you never hear

that?

Are you sure beer is the right thing?

Certainly, because it's got alcohol in it. You know, the joints, they can't

handle the alcohol.

You must have learned that in your health class.

Uh -uh. We're studying reproduction.

Oh, my God, are you still at that?

Don't make me mad, will you? Because my head hurts.

Just relax and drink this one slowly.

Yeah, give me.

Don't mind me, honey. I just don't want to thank you very much for taking such

good care of me, because you're a darling child. And I promise, as soon as

better, you're going to take to see that movie there, what do you call it?

Annie? Yeah, whatever.

Hi. How are you feeling?

I'm terribly ill here, Barbara Lee, darling.

But that's okay. The kid is noising me back to health, just like a little

Florence Nightingale.

That's nice.

You have a visitor here to see you.

Oh, jeez, I hate visitors. I don't want to see nobody but you two.

In that case, I'll leave.

Oh, no, no, you too.

Come here.

Oh, you know, I hate this lovely visitor.

Yeah. Say hello to Catherine, girls.

Hello. Since we can't go out tonight, I thought I'd come over and keep you

company. Oh, that's swell, swell.

So how are you feeling?

Well, you know, maybe lousy, but I don't want to complain.

I've got to be going. We've got to finish inventory.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Inventory? I'm the only one that can do that.

No, Jose and Raul are doing a fine job.

No! Keep them away from everything count and everything else. The only thing

they ever take notice of is the rum and the tequila.

Go down there. Keep them away from the stock. Go, go, go.

Okay.

Calm down.

Yeah, I gotta do that.

Maybe it's not such a good idea to see visitors so soon.

No, no, I love visitors.

Have you been drinking plenty of liquid?

Oh, sure. I'll be giving him all the beer he wants.

You shouldn't give him beer. He should be having orange juice.

Well, go get me a Twinkie from the kitchen. I ought to take my mind off

things. No more of that. I brought some plain yogurt.

He hates yogurt.

It's good for him. He calls it library paste.

Get out the two of you. Here, drink this. I'll give it to him.

Okay. Okay.

You've been...

Working pretty hard here. Why don't you just take a break now?

I'm not tired.

I do like she says. Go on into your room there. Take a little rest. Put that

stuff over there.

Oh, that's the girl. That's my girl.

She always does what she's told. She's a sweet child.

for this hour?

It's only 6 .30.

Because we gotta get up.

Get up? What for?

Good night. I decided to make Uncle Archie breakfast.

So? So you gotta do it.

No.

Billy. What do you think about Catherine?

Catherine?

I like her. I think she's She's a very nice lady.

Nice?

In fact, I think they might even be getting a little bit serious.

Come on, they're just friends.

Oh, morning, Stephanie.

Stephanie,

I just fell asleep on the chair in there.

I bet.

Oh, you're here early.

No, I spent the night.

Oh. I hardly got any sleep.

Oh. Margie slew us like a wolf.

Catherine, would you do me a favor?

This is going to sound silly, but would you tell Stephanie you just got here?

Billy, I spent the night on a chair, and Stephanie already knows I'm here.

Oh, she does, huh? Hmm.

Okay, well, I've got to get going to work. Okay.

Oh, Billy, aren't you going to stay for breakfast?

It's the most important meal of the day, you know.

Oh, I can't. I've got to open up this morning.

Why don't you come with me?

Um, no.

I've got to stay here and take care of Uncle Archie.

Oh.

Okay, well, have a nice day.

Both of you.

So, uh... Stephanie, how would you like some nice hot pancakes?

I hate pancakes.

I can make eggs. I make terrific eggs.

Not today, thanks.

French toast?

Everybody likes French toast.

The pits.

Well, what do you usually eat for breakfast?

Nothing. I hate breakfast.

Oh, really?

Gee, I heard somebody say it was the most important meal of the day.

Hilarious.

Stephanie, look, I'm not dumb. I know you don't like me.

But can't you just say one pleasant thing?

Okay.

You're not dumb.

Okay.

I have a lot of more important things to do.

Look, I promised your Uncle Archie that I was going to make him breakfast, but

I'm sure you'd rather do that.

I'm really sorry, Stephanie. I hoped we could be friends, but... Okay.

Would you please give this... To your uncle when he wakes up.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for my shoes, honey. Now, why would anybody go and hide my shoes

me, huh?

You don't need your shoes. You're not going anywhere.

Oh, yes, I am going someplace right now. Here they are. Here they are. Come on,

darling. Pick them up for me. How to help me on with them?

God, I put them nose drops in my ear and I keep picking up this company music

station in Jersey.

I'm so tired, you know.

I got very little sleep last night. I had a terrible nightmare.

You want me to tell you about it?

Raul, behind my back, he bought the saloon from a Benowitz there.

And he went out and he hired one of them Flamingo guitar players.

The guy kept playing over and over again, best of my cucho.

Mr. Bernard, he was dancing around his hat there and annoying women with his

cane.

You really shouldn't go anywhere. You're not better yet.

Oh, honey, I'm scared not to.

Okay, but let's first have some breakfast. Oh, yeah, we gotta have some

breakfast. What do we got down there?

Pancakes. Ah, well, Catherine makes the greatest pancakes in the world.

When did she ever make you breakfast? Oh, two or three times, dear. You know,

after... Well, I mean to say I was there. It was later than that, you

know. No, you could call it lunch. Call it lunch.

Is she down there cooking?

No. She just walked out.

What do you mean?

Seemed like she couldn't wait to get out of here.

I don't believe this. What did she say?

She just said she had more important things to do.

Well, what is this? What is more important than giving me my breakfast

just getting up out of a sickbed?

I don't think anything could be.

Well, I mean, she just walked out of here. She didn't say nothing?

Nope. God, I can't understand females. You never know what they're up to.

That's true.

But what do we care? We've got pancakes.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

Hi, Billy. How's your uncle feeling?

Oh, he's still sick.

Oh, good.

I'll have another beer.

To go.

Archie, what are you doing here?

I'm here to do my work. If I don't come here, who's going to do my work?

Billy, pick up.

Don't you be looking at me, you.

This is worse than my nightmare.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. What are you doing with my vest on there?

Hey, Arch, good news.

I'm almost over my phone.

Harry, Harry, you know what I want you to do with typhoid Barney here?

When he's finished that drink over there, bust his glass into a thousand

charge him for the glass, and then burn it.

Don't sit down. I just got up and you better sit down right here.

Harry, you finish yelling at Barney, will you?

There you are. I tried to call you at home. Oh, I'm surprised you didn't have

the time to sign up here.

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm talking about you. I thought you was going to make me some breakfast.

You were asleep.

That's why I left the note.

Well, all I heard was that you just wanted to leave and just went right out

door, waiting for nothing. You said you had more important things to do, and I

don't know nothing about no notice.

Oh, I see.

I think I can explain. You see, I meant to leave the note, but I was in such a

rush, I forgot.

I'm sorry.

Well, I guess it don't matter much.

I'll make it up to you.

How?

Well, for starters, when you're feeling better, you can come over to my house

and I'll make you dinner.

We can start with a nice dinner salad and... Can you drop in some of them?

Midget tomatoes that I love so bad?

Yeah. Lamb chops?

You're double cut with them little elegant lace panties on.

Right.

Then I forgive you, baby.

What is this? More

Latin terrorism in my kitchen?

This illegal keeps trying to give me orders.

Why?

I got the vest! I got the vest!

Put that out!

Better get back in there.

The Guatemalan second cook, see? He might murder the nigger Reuben first

You didn't have to cover for me, you know.

Why did you anyway?

Well, because I'm not a squealer.

I guess I should thank you.

No.

But I'll settle for a tooth.

Okay.

I think I just got mad because I couldn't see Annie.

Give me the best... Why does one little hunk of uniform turn an

ordinary peon into a dictator?

At least over there.

See, in that corner of my...

There's a little tranquility.

If you say so, Archie.

Certainly I say so. Look at it.

What are you two looking at?

Oh, over here, Mr. Bernard.

It's, uh, it's just Catherine. She's sitting over there with my little niece,

Stephanie. Now, that's the pinball machine over there. There, this way, Mr.

Bernard. Oh.

Isn't that nice?

That's nice, nice, nice. Very nice. Yeah.

I'm going to go over and have a talk with him now.

Yeah.

Hey, go play the pinball machine. I need the chair.

Oh, Archie. Hey. Stephanie and I decided that the three of us are going to go to

the movies. Oh, ain't that lovely? The three of us, yeah.

Yeah, we thought we would go see... Reds.

Reds?

What do you want to see Reds for?

Well, I ain't got no objection to seeing a movie about baseball.

But why don't we wait till they make a movie about the Mets? Who cares about

Cincinnati?

You know what you ought to see?

And you'd love it there is any.

That's the perfect picture for a child your age.