Original subtitles

You know, Arch, we really lose the young crowd when Billy's off. She's got quite

a following.

What are you talking about, following? That bunch of deadbeats. Gee, Sammy,

can't you tell the wheat from the chaff? I can, I can.

Here comes the chaff now.

Hey, inkeeper.

Did anyone ever tell you what exquisite taste you've got in clothes?

Not anymore.

Well, I'm here to do it right now.

Come on, Barney, what are your whys?

Five hundred.

Forget it.

Watch, I'm broke.

Rusty's been eating plain wrapped kibble. And to tell you the truth, I've

taking long looks at that kibble myself.

Well, if you start eating it, Barney, you stay off of my lawn.

Now, can you let me have a little something?

Yeah, Barney, some free advice.

Get rid of your house.

It's too expensive for one person to carry.

Or do what Edith and me did when Gloria and Amita had moved out. Take in a

lodger.

Oh, I don't know.

Hey, actually, that ain't a bad idea.

It isn't? No.

When will you accept my ideas without checking with Harry?

When Harry's not here.

Not bad.

Not good, but not bad.

Hey, Mr. Hefner, where are you, Mr. Hefner?

I'll be right with you, Mr. Johnson. The living room's in here, Mr. Snyder, if

you walk this way.

What a lovely home you have here.

Thank you.

Reminds me of... Oh,

that bedroom. Can I look at it again?

Oh, help yourself, Mr. Johnson.

Well, it's perfect for me.

The price is right.

Deal?

Well, I'm afraid we'll have to wait a minute, Mr. Snyder. You see, Mr. Johnson

was here first.

That's my neighbor. Excuse me. Yeah, what is it, Arch?

look alive, will you? I've just seen a colored guy prowling around your house.

It's not what you think.

I know what I've seen, Barney. A guy about this height, about this weight.

Yes, a small -looking guy with a mean look on his face there. He's wearing a

windbreaker, you know what I mean?

And... And altogether, a kind of a good -looking colored guy.

Do you mind, Arch?

This happens to be Mr. Johnson, who answered my ad.

Mr. Johnson, this is Archie Bunker, my neighbor.

Do you always take black people for prowlers? No, never. Especially not

the daytime.

Does he live near here?

704, right across the street. He's in and out of here all the time.

That's bad.

Well, I got a whole lot of places to check out. Yeah, all right. See you

Oh, you will.

But it'll be at night when I can see you.

But you can't see me.

What did that mean?

That means you lost them for me.

You'll be happier with me.

You could live with a guy that gets up at 2 .30 in the morning and hates dogs.

Yeah, sounds like a criminal, right?

Almost as bad.

Mailman. How can you tell?

By the shoes.

Ajak Orthopedics.

$89 .95 retail.

How do you know all of this?

Shoes are my life.

Al Snyder.

Designer, maker, salesman.

Now semi -retired from the shoe business.

But very well healed, I might add.

Hey, hey, hey.

Well, well, I only got one question for you there.

Are you a veteran and a guard for a Republican?

What else?

Then you got a home here with Barney.

Wait a minute, Arch.

Shouldn't he have some references?

Ah, Howard references. I'll vouch for him personally there. Hey, look at that

pleasant face.

I think I'd rather check with Harry first.

The hell with Harry.

Okay. Get over here.

You're in there, Mr. What -He -Calls.

Snyder. Yeah, whatever. Come on, Barney. Shake hands with him.

Once again, I saved you.

Well, well, good morning. Good morning. Hey, this is going to be swell having a

roomie, Mr. Snyder.

Hey, can I call you Al?

No.

Hey, I see you made the coffee.

Thanks a lot.

Boy, you sure are an early riser. You know, I heard you up there at 4 .30 this

morning showering.

I wasn't taking a shower. I was scrubbing out the tub. What are you

grow in there, mushrooms?

I had to let the maid go.

When? During the Depression?

Mr. Snyder, you're going to have to bear with me. I'm not the man I was since my

wife Blanche left me.

That's her picture upstairs in the hall.

Oh, is that who that was?

Yeah. I thought it was Ernest Borgnine in a ball gown.

I took it down.

You took it down?

Well, you don't think I want to look at that thing every time I go in and out of

my room, do you?

No, I'm glad you took it down.

Makes me cry.

Me too.

Boy, that's some breakfast you got there in front of you.

Steak and eggs.

Hey!

I think I'll join you. I got a steak right over here in the fridge that I've

been saving for just such an occasion.

You know, I always say to myself, if you have a hot meal in the morning, boy, it

never hurts.

What happened to my steak?

I ate it.

You ate my steak?

I did you a favor. It tastes like carpet.

Okay, Snyder.

I can see right now that we're going to have to lay down a couple of ground

rules.

First, you buy your food and I buy mine.

You keep your food off my shelf in the refrigerator.

Anything else?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, yes, yes, there is.

One more time.

And sometimes, as it works out, occasionally, I happen to bring home a

woman. Bound and gay?

You're going to ignore that interpolation.

The main point being...

that tonight I expect you to stay up in your room because I am coming home with

the cutest, most curvaceous little divorcee that you ever saw and I don't

to share her with you like I did my steak.

Keep her off my shelf in the refrigerator.

Don't you dare ever to take anything off the walls again without my permission.

Because after all...

I am entitled to my memories.

Okay, Bernice, here we go. In, in, in. Quick, quick, quick.

Save the heat so it'll be cozy and warm later on.

There it is, Bernice, just as I promised.

That's the magic.

Sometimes no one is playboy geese.

Oh, I guess we'll see the hot tubs in the grotto later.

Oh, I can see I can't put anything over on you, can I?

I shouldn't have come over. You'll probably think I'm that kind of girl.

Oh, no, doll.

I would never think that.

Why not?

Because I never think.

As long as you're still standing, I'm watching TV.

Roger.

Bernice, give me a moment. And please, please, I mean, don't let your order

wane.

Snyder, I'm worried.

I want to entertain.

You want to entertain? Entertain.

Doesn't this room seem a little crowded to you for entertainment?

What are you planning, a nice show?

Barney, I'm feeling uneasy.

There's no need, Bernice.

Are we going to be alone?

Yes. No.

Well, I never.

You never? Who are you kidding?

What else, Snyder?

Barney, while the cabs are still running, I'm leaving. Spend the rest of

evening with Godzilla.

Wait, please, Bernice. Think it over.

Barney, I really hate you.

Don't leave, Bernice. You'll be sorry.

All right, Snyder.

We're going to settle this right now.

First things first.

Just a minute.

That's one of my hankies. Who cares?

I care.

All my hankies are plaid. Did you think that I would be stupid enough not to

notice that?

Please. I'm watching the history of marine life.

Not only that, you're wearing my bathroom.

You want it?

Hey.

I'll freeze to death. I have a virus.

And I also have heart palpitations. But that'll help me pump the poison through

my system even faster.

I'm going to ignore all that, Snyder. As a matter of fact, from now on, I am

going to ignore you completely.

And where is Rusty? Where is Rusty?

Rusty is supposed to be right here on his chair.

Rusty's down the cellar, sleeping on a spring.

Rusty in the cellar.

Hey, I'm fighting off three diseases.

Do I need ticks and fleas?

Crabs. Again with crabs. That's all they keep showing is crabs.

It's after midnight.

Whoever's out there, you better be bleeding to death or you're going to be

sorry.

What the hell?

Can we sleep with you?

Suppose you know Barney's here. Yeah, I know he's here.

I came out of the bathroom, and there he was.

He scared me half to death.

Archie, did you know that Barney is upstairs shaving in the bathroom?

Yes, yes, yes.

Is the John in the basement working?

No, no, no.

I'm out of the bathroom.

All right, go, go, go.

I'm sorry about your electric razor, Arch.

What?

Billy startled me while I was shaving. I dropped it in the toilet. Oh.

you plug it in again, I'd wear rubber shoes.

Johnny, hey, hey, hey, hey, look at this. Give me back my backdrop.

I can sit in front of the child in my PJs. I still have a sense of coming in

front.

Well, whatever that is, Barney, take it for a walk, huh?

I mean, go on, walk.

I can't. I can't stand being in the house with that guy.

Pretends to be sick.

wears my clothes, destroys my social life, and on top of all that, he's the

rudest person I ever met.

Make him leave.

I can't do it without long and costly legal maneuvers.

You should have checked his references.

Yes, you dope. Why didn't you check his references?

Why did you rent to him in the first place?

Because he told me to.

I figured you were mixed up in this. All right.

That's all past.

Now, let's get down to this. Now, listen, Marty, you and me is very old

And you know you and me, we get along, see?

Now, there ain't no reason why two grown -up, intelligent men can't live

together in harmony.

Gee.

Thanks, Arch.

But before I move in here, I think we ought to lay down a few ground rules.

Ho, ho, ho!

You see the way this guy's flying, boys?

Let me tell you something, Barney Hunter. You ain't never moving in here.

come on. Get up out of there. We're going over to your house.

Take your coat.

It's warm out.

And I'm going to force you and what's -his -name in here. Slider. Well,

whatever. I'm going to force the two of you to learn how to live together.

I hate that guy.

Well, get religious.

Why don't you love what you hate?

Ah!

Freeze it out.

Here's our second contestant.

Mrs. Marilyn Carson.

Tell us about yourself, Marilyn.

What's to tell? She's an imbecile.

26 -year -old housewife with six children and one on the way.

She's also an infomaniac.

Do you have any hobbies?

We know a hobby. Let's start the game.

Hey, Snyder. We want to talk to you.

Oh, where you been? We're out of milk.

What did I tell you? I eat my food, wear my clothes.

Oh, by the way, Barney.

Go out and get me some bicarb, huh? I have indigestion from that leftover

meatloaf of yours.

It's killing me. All right, Barney, let me handle this. Go to your room. What

for? To change. Go on.

Bring me back that dance floor.

Now, listen there, what do you call it?

You and me's got to have a talk.

Hey, I don't want to talk. Take a hike.

Don't tell me to take a hike. I ain't going nowhere.

Hey, hey, I'm not supposed to have stress. You understand?

Stress made me the way I am.

That's why I have to keep moving. I'm a refugee from stress.

All right, all right. I'm just here to tell you that you're going to have to

along with my friend Barney. Why?

I rented over a hundred rooms and I didn't get along with anybody.

But, pal, you're driving my poor friend so insane that he wants to live with me.

Stop giving me complications.

Hear me?

You're giving me palpitations.

Mr.

Snyder pulled a big piece of wallpaper off the bathroom wall.

Did you do that? I had to.

I couldn't fit in there staring at ducks.

Besides, I'm not supposed to get nervous in the toilet.

Well, I don't think anybody's supposed to get nervous in the toilet.

But you don't do that. I mean, I had to sit up there one time, there, staring at

that, but I didn't tear the paper off of the wall.

What did you do?

Well, I just tried to picture a bunch of guys with shotguns killing the ducks.

You see what I'm trying to tell you?

What you're trying to tell me is that you're a violent man who sits in toilets

and gets sick fantasies about ducks.

Hey, hey, hey, don't yell. I can't take any yelling.

But you're giving me no choice but to yell.

You always choose to yell. You're a real textbook case.

You're always on the scene whenever there's a world disaster.

I hardly ever leave free.

And you're also a violent intruder. That's what you are. A violent intruder.

In... In... In human affairs.

And you follow me all over the world.

I just met you.

The pill is working.

I'm calming now.

I'm calming.

Thank you, pill.

Thank you.

Now, uh, I got a suggestion, pal.

There's a customer down at my bar. See, he rents out rooms. They're very lovely

rooms. They're over in Greenpoint.

Greenpoint? Yeah.

Greenpoint was always a dump.

Don't say that. My little grandma used to live over on Greenpoint. My

grandmother lived in Bushwick.

What a place.

Mansions on both sides of the avenue.

People all dressed up.

New shoes.

Some handmade.

Pop's factory was always busy.

We were all together then.

We used to stroll.

Nobody strolls now.

The trees.

What trees?

Flowers in the flower beds.

Why do I keep seeing duck strolling?

Nah, it's gotta be wrong.

Boy, Arch, that's what I need.

A pill to make me sleep.

And bring back wonderful old memories.

It ain't the pill, Barney.

And he ain't asleep.

This here man just died.

Died?

Oh, no.

Right here in my house?

It's going to come as a shock to him, too.

What are we going to do?

I don't know what the hell to do, except... I'll go over and call the

Gee.

And I wanted to evict him.

I told him he had to be out of here by tomorrow morning.

Cheer up, Barney. These guys will have them out of here in an hour.

Where is that?

Here in my house.

In my chair.

In my room.

It was missing religion.

Don't tell me, will you? I think it was the strangest funeral I ever been at.

You, me, and one mortician.

Yeah.

But I still think you could have let me sit on the aisle.

Come on, will you? I let you talk, didn't I?

I didn't think I was going to have to sit through a 45 -minute urology.

I thought it went over big. Even the mortician cried.

And you know when those guys cry. Yeah, those guys cry when you buy their

cheapest cork.

Snyder only had 700 bucks left after I took out his first and last month's

He took out two months, Barney? Yeah, well, it wasn't my fault that his first

was his last.

What else I found, Archie? An old address book with the old numbers in it.

Chelsea, Lehigh, Rhineland.

I see.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, there's a few Snyders in here, too.

Yeah. But they're all crossed out. You follow my meaning, eh?

Yeah.

Is that the way it's going to be for me, Arch?

What?

You know, I mean, no family, no friends.

Sore at the world because I'm all alone.

Come on, Barney. This guy, what's his name there? He outlived all his friends.

You won't.

Well, let's have a little toast to the living here.