All language subtitles for archie_bunker_s_place_s03e22_love_is_hell

When Josh was born, his heartbeat kept
slowing down during labor.

I asked about his C -section, but the
doctor said not to.

And when Eric passed me note in study
class, I thought I was going to die.

What's the matter with the kids? You
need a bath?

Archie, he's very neat.

He's a nice -looking boy. Well, how do
you know?

I've seen him. Oh.

Eric happens to be the cutest guy in the
entire school.

He's the quarterback of the football
team, and he gets the highest marks.

Oh, he gets the highest marks, huh?

Well, you know, when I was in school, we
had a special name for the boy that got

the highest marks.

Egghead? No, no, that name came much
later on. We used to call him a Fink.

No! Of course you asked me. Go on
talking there.

He could date any girl he wanted to. He
once even dated his senior.

Why do I have to hear this?

She's growing up.

Not while I'm around, she says.

So, come on. Talk about something else.

Anything else.

Okay.

Let's talk about punk rock.

Oh,

I know what you're trying to do. You're
just trying to drive me nuts and drive

me out of the house.

Well, all right, I'll go. I'll go, go,
go, go, go out of the house.

And I ain't got money to put a roof over
your head.

Archie, in case you haven't noticed, we
have some customers coming in and we

could use a hand.

In case you ain't noticed, I'm the boss
in here.

Don't be fresh.

Can you please take that to Stephanie?
Yes, I can please take that to

Don't be fresh.

There you go, kiddo. Here's your lunch.
And I can hardly believe your order in

this thing. Peach hams and a bowl of
cottage cheese.

Slow cal.

It's healthier for me.

Ah, your regular hamburger's good
enough. Gives you plenty of pep. And

French fries, they give a healthy
glisten glow to a kid's complexion.

Hi, Stephanie.

Hi, Eric.

Oh, Eric.

Oh, so this is the kid with the high
marks here, huh?

That's enough.

Don't do that to me, huh?

How you doing? What do you want?

I remember Stephanie saying she eats
lunch here every day, so if I'd walk her

back to school.

I think she can find a school for
herself, you know, unless they moved it

this morning.

Nice.

I'm always nice there. I'm talking to
the boy. I hear you're the big brains in

the school.

Not really. I just study a lot.

Well, funny, you don't look smart.

Pardon me?

Well, I mean to say there's a kind of a
look to smart, you know?

It's the little runt with the Coke
bottle eyeglasses there and the skin as

as toilet paper.

You do like that?

Well, thanks.

I'm saying.

Archie, don't you have a lot of
customers to wait on?

Yeah, but they can wait a little bit,
you know. I'm trying to say something to

the boy here.

What's your name again? Eric.

Yeah, Eric.

Now, you're a boy and you're a friend,
but you cannot be a boy friend.

Do you follow me, my friend?

Yes, sir.

Go ahead, sit down, sit down.

You sit in that chair there and you sit
in that chair over there.

Please don't let me see the two chairs
creeping together there, huh?

Billy, step over this way, please, huh?

Please, just keep an eye on this, huh?

Am I wrong if he hates me?

Well, I'd say you're being barely
tolerated on a trial basis.

Congratulations.

Hello.

Hi, Eric.

I'm Billy, Stephanie's cousin.

I saw you play football once. You looked
terrific.

Thanks. So do you.

Thank you.

Do you work here all the time?

Oh, of course not.

Archie lets me out at night to fix his
dinner.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

She's nice, isn't she?

Huh? Oh, yeah, nice.

Say, uh, are you still having trouble
with those algebra problems?

Am I ever.

Maybe I could come over to your house
tonight and help you study.

You really want to? I really want to.

Well, wait right here. I had to go ask
my uncle.

Uncle Archie! Yeah, what?

Could Eric please come over tonight and
help me study?

Oh, the two of you just want to study
over the house tonight, huh? No.

Oh, come on, Archie. Stay out of this.
I'll be there.

That ain't the point. I ain't gonna be
there.

Why not?

This is a place of business here, kiddo.
They can't get along here without me.

you're going to miss the John Wayne Film
Festival on TV?

Does that start tonight?

I saw it in the TV guide.

The Sagebrush Kid.

That's one of the Duke's early classics.

Then you'll be home?

Oh, well, gee, I don't know. Harry?

You gotta be home for that. Oh, yeah, I
think I gotta be home for that.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Billy.

Oh, glad to help.

He's really cute up close.

I know. What does Steffi's young man
look like, Arch?

Oh, well, Mr. Bernard, you got to kind
of close your eyes and try to imagine a

kind of a, you know, well -built, good
-looking young kid there.

He might be a teenage version of me.

If you can feature that.

with his life on the line, and this bum
wants to sell me cars.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. I hope yous
ain't planning to study over there.

The only other place is my room.

Do what I tell you. You study over
there.

Now, listen, I don't like the way you're
dressed there, you know?

Why not?

What's wrong with it?

Well, it's just that, you know, the way
it looks. Come on, you're only 13.

Why do you have to rush through the
loveliest years of your life, you sweet

obsolescence?

Look at your eyes.

What do you got in your eyes there? Oh,
look at all the blue.

You look like one of them peacocks
getting ready to say, Yoo -hoo.

I forgot something.

What'd you forget?

My perfume.

Listen, when you're up there, change
into something else, huh? Just, I mean,

on something that looks like nothing.
Something shapeless.

I'm not gonna change my clothes again.

But I will fix my hair different. Call
me when Eric gets here, okay?

put me through all this again, Lord?
Why?

You want me to get that? Please get that
and listen, Billy. You gotta help me

around here. We gotta keep that kid
innocent.

Hi, Billy.

Hi, Eric. Come on in.

Where are your books?

It's all up here.

He's the kind of kid who's too smart for
books, you know? That's what worries me

a little. Get over there. What's your
name?

What's your name again?

Eric. Yeah, Eric.

Well, listen, Eric, I'm going to be
spending the evening right here at home,

know, so watch this.

I am only warning the boy that me and
the Duke is going to be spending an

evening here.

Come on in the kitchen, Eric. I made a
cake for you and Steph.

Well, when you're out there, maybe you
ought to explain some of the rules of

house to our Billy and all the things I
won't allow around here.

Have a seat. Steph will be right down.
Oh, no hurry.

are you studying?

Right now?

You.

Something wrong?

Oh, no, no.

Everything's perfect.

Would you like some milk? No, thanks.

Okay, well, stuff should be down real
soon.

Oh, I don't mind waiting.

You're here.

What do you mean?

The reason I'm here.

It's chemistry.

I thought you were studying math.

Oh, that's for Stephanie.

The chemistry's between you and me.

Can't you feel it?

No, I can't feel it. And you'd best not
either.

Oh, come on, don't fight it.

You're just as attracted to me as I am
to you.

You'd better stop watching old movies.
Turn on hockey.

I mean it. You're here to see Stephanie.

Hey, don't worry about coming between
Stephanie and me.

I'm very mature for my age.

She's much too young.

Yeah, I think I know the feeling.

You were just a couple of years older.

Yeah? You'd be big enough to hit.

Wow, that's heavy.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What in the hell is going on in this
here kitchen?

A talk show fiasco?

I am the glue that holds this group
together.

You must have got a few whips to that
glue when you was putting on your nails.

Has Regine thinking about moving out?
Regine's at Autry Helpline.

Get out. Oh, come on, Billy.

Get out.

You're beautiful when you're angry. Oh,
get a new line, kid. I just heard the

dude saying that to Kirby Hayes.

Get out.

Get out. And don't come back, Pilgrim,
because my nieces don't want to see no

more boys around here, never.

What a fresh kid that was.

Why would he be doing a thing like that
to you, Billy? God, you're practically

an older woman.

You don't think I wanted that kid to
kiss me, do you? Oh, now, don't you

recognize? He grabbed me.

It's a good thing we didn't let him get
to Stephanie. She wouldn't know how to

handle a little mover like that.

Oh, jeez, I keep telling you this and
you won't pay no attention to me. All

is animals. You got to keep them away
from you. And there's only one way to

them away from you.

How?

Keep them away.

And that's what you got to tell Steffi.

Me?

Eric should have been here by now.

Maybe he had an accident.

Good idea.

Now, listen.

Billy wants to have a talk with you
about something that happened here. You

to talk to her, don't you, Billy? Yes,
you do.

All right, the two of you, just sit down
here and have that little talk. See, I

want to go out and finish watching my
picture. Geez, I'm missing all the good

parts.

Talk to me about what?

Well, Eric left.

Left?

You mean he was here?

Yeah. Why don't you sit down, Stephanie?
What happened?

Why did he leave?

If you sit down, I'll explain it.

Did he throw him out?

Stephanie. Why does he do these things?
No, listen, Stephanie. I'm never going

to talk to him again as long as I live.
Stephanie, wait.

Why do you do these things? Now, wait a
minute. I ain't going to take the rest.

Stop for this. I did not throw that kid
out of here. She done that. I mean,

after all, he wasn't trying to kiss me.

What are you talking about?

Well, I... Didn't you tell him about it
out there? I thought he was going to

talk to him.

Not that it was anything important.

It's just that the kid got himself all
excited over Billy there, and he busted

his leash.

How could you kiss him when you know how
I feel? feel about him?

Steph, I didn't kiss him.

He came on to me.

Eric wouldn't do that.

Oh, I knew you liked him from the minute
you saw him. I saw the way you looked

at him in the restaurant.

How did you look at him?

I don't believe that.

I don't want you sleeping in my room
anymore.

Oh, now, wait a minute, dear. Where else
is she supposed to sleep? Well, look at

this. The whole evening is shot.

I thought you was out there explaining
the whole thing. I mean, whatever you

said, I don't know, but couldn't you
maybe use a little way called... Talk?

I mean, kids at this age, they get very
high strung, don't you know that?

Archie... Just watch your movie.

Yeah, well, that's all I want to do is
just watch the movie here.

God, and look at this.

Ah, well, I ain't gonna worry about it.

It'll all blow over.

Just take it from me. I know what I'm
talking about.

She stole my Eric.

What are you talking about? You're Eric.
What do you want him for? He's nothing

but a little savage.

He is not.

Oh, I seen him.

Going for her with his kisses there.

The two lips of them like magnets.

Well, I read in science that magnets can
only attract objects that are

compatible. Oh, what an awful name to
call your little... Cousin, if there's

one thing, Bill, he ain't this
compatible.

He don't want no more battling in this
house.

Dude, I tell you, he'll go in there and
wake her up very sweetly and quietly and

call her for her breakfast. Now, you do
that. Now, you obey me.

Stop all of this violence here. I hate
violence. Any more violence, I'm going

beat somebody up.

Now, let's sit down and talk this thing
over like human beings here.

Now, you go way over there, you go way
over there.

Really being such a baby about this.
Baby?

How would she feel if someone cheated?
Now, just a minute. Just a minute.

I happen to be the only...

Live an eyewitness to this whole thing
here.

I know what happened.

Now, will you just let me very quickly,
it'll take me a second, explain.

Explain, please do.

It all started when I'm sitting over in
my chair, watching the movies.

Luke Wayne is about to save Gabby Hayes
from the rustlers.

Around that time, the doorbell rung.
Now, Billy goes to the door, she opens

door. And she lets in your little
friend, what's his name? Eric.

Whatever.

All right, so he comes into the room.

These two were talking back and forth.
And then, for some reason, Billy takes

him out to the kitchen.

Archie, don't help me.

Will you let me finish half, please?

Now, I go back to watching the pictures.
He's sitting in my chair. And then

comes a commercial. You know, the one
with the knife cutting through the brick

there.

So? I get up, I go into the kitchen for
a beer.

And?

And I see your little boyfriend there
going for Billy.

Why?

Why, honey, nobody knows why boys do
things like that, you know? Sometimes

get too close to girls. Did you let him
get too close to you?

She said he looked cute up close.

Oh, well, see, that's what you've done
wrong.

Oh, my God.

I knew you were coming on to him, Billy.

Oh, sure I was.

And as soon as his mom lets him stay out
past 10 o 'clock, we're going to go

steady.

I wish you'd never come here.

Well, I don't have to stay.

Oh, Billy, Billy, what are you telling
me here?

Oh.

Well, you have just made your little
cousin leave home.

Ain't that nice? And we'll never see her
again.

Well, I don't know what to do.

Have my wits end here.

I'm trying to make peace, but I guess
it's going to take a bigger genius than

here. You need a peacemaker in this
house, that will scare you into making

peace. Maybe somebody like our beloved
Secretary of State, Alexander Scotch.

Well,

all I know is that none of this would
have happened if you was where you

this morning, which is in school.

It's Saturday.

Oh, gee,

Saturday. That's right. I got to open up
the saloon.

Well, I can't stay no more.

And if you want to go on fighting, then
go on fighting. I can't help it. Gee,

fight it out to the death.

I just hope that when I get back,
whoever is left here will have a little

of lunch for me.

Billy towards each other, yes?

No. Oh, come on, kid. How long are you
going to keep this up?

Forever.

Well, you're young, you know. That may
be okay for you, but I don't think I can

wait that long.

And what are we going to do?

We're going to eat lunch.

I made a vegetarian special for a
change. I hate vegetarian.

You eat too much beef.

Hey, don't you know that the good Lord
intended us to eat a lot of beef there,

huh? That's why he made cows run slow
and he gave them bum teeth so they

couldn't defend themselves.

Now, there's a rapping on the door.

Never fails. To me, you get food on the
table, there's a rapping on the door.

I was a friend of mine. I told him to
get the hell out of here.

Nobody.

Oh, hey, hey, there's that kid there.
What's his name? Running down the

Eric? Yeah, yeah.

Over here, look.

See, there he goes.

Hey, there's flowers.

Oh, well, I'm going to need more of an
apology than that. They're for me.

Yeah? To the prettiest girl in Queens,
I'm sorry about what happened. Please

forgive me. I love you, Billy.

Billy.

What a creep.

Oh, gee whiz. Oh.

Listen, don't cry, honey. You don't want
to do that.

I feel so stupid.

I hate him.

I hate me.

No, no, no. That ain't no good. You
don't want to hate nobody. That don't do

good. What are we going to do now?

Nobody knows.

Listen, honey, these human tragedies,
they always bring on a terrible thirst

me. See, if you don't mind if I run out
to the kitchen, get myself a beer, do

something.

I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke
to me again.

I understand.

Honestly, it's okay.

Why do I think he liked me?

Because that's what you wanted to think.

You want me to throw those away?

Let's keep them.

They're nice.

So what do we do?

Nothing.

Journey Savar, S -A -V -A -R, Savar, 24
hours, 215 -928 -4000.

The guys get a leap of faith on Malcolm
and Eddie tonight at 9.

Then Kate gets an indecent proposal on
Diresta tonight at 9 .30 on UPN 57.

Coming up next is All in the Family.

Get that for a commercial for Lincoln
Tech.

Lincoln

Tech.