Original subtitles

When Josh was born, his heartbeat kept slowing down during labor.

I asked about his C -section, but the doctor said not to.

And when Eric passed me note in study class, I thought I was going to die.

What's the matter with the kids? You need a bath?

Archie, he's very neat.

He's a nice -looking boy. Well, how do you know?

I've seen him. Oh.

Eric happens to be the cutest guy in the entire school.

He's the quarterback of the football team, and he gets the highest marks.

Oh, he gets the highest marks, huh?

Well, you know, when I was in school, we had a special name for the boy that got

the highest marks.

Egghead? No, no, that name came much later on. We used to call him a Fink.

No! Of course you asked me. Go on talking there.

He could date any girl he wanted to. He once even dated his senior.

Why do I have to hear this?

She's growing up.

Not while I'm around, she says.

So, come on. Talk about something else.

Anything else.

Okay.

Let's talk about punk rock.

Oh,

I know what you're trying to do. You're just trying to drive me nuts and drive

me out of the house.

Well, all right, I'll go. I'll go, go, go, go, go out of the house.

And I ain't got money to put a roof over your head.

Archie, in case you haven't noticed, we have some customers coming in and we

could use a hand.

In case you ain't noticed, I'm the boss in here.

Don't be fresh.

Can you please take that to Stephanie? Yes, I can please take that to

Don't be fresh.

There you go, kiddo. Here's your lunch. And I can hardly believe your order in

this thing. Peach hams and a bowl of cottage cheese.

Slow cal.

It's healthier for me.

Ah, your regular hamburger's good enough. Gives you plenty of pep. And

French fries, they give a healthy glisten glow to a kid's complexion.

Hi, Stephanie.

Hi, Eric.

Oh, Eric.

Oh, so this is the kid with the high marks here, huh?

That's enough.

Don't do that to me, huh?

How you doing? What do you want?

I remember Stephanie saying she eats lunch here every day, so if I'd walk her

back to school.

I think she can find a school for herself, you know, unless they moved it

this morning.

Nice.

I'm always nice there. I'm talking to the boy. I hear you're the big brains in

the school.

Not really. I just study a lot.

Well, funny, you don't look smart.

Pardon me?

Well, I mean to say there's a kind of a look to smart, you know?

It's the little runt with the Coke bottle eyeglasses there and the skin as

as toilet paper.

You do like that?

Well, thanks.

I'm saying.

Archie, don't you have a lot of customers to wait on?

Yeah, but they can wait a little bit, you know. I'm trying to say something to

the boy here.

What's your name again? Eric.

Yeah, Eric.

Now, you're a boy and you're a friend, but you cannot be a boy friend.

Do you follow me, my friend?

Yes, sir.

Go ahead, sit down, sit down.

You sit in that chair there and you sit in that chair over there.

Please don't let me see the two chairs creeping together there, huh?

Billy, step over this way, please, huh?

Please, just keep an eye on this, huh?

Am I wrong if he hates me?

Well, I'd say you're being barely tolerated on a trial basis.

Congratulations.

Hello.

Hi, Eric.

I'm Billy, Stephanie's cousin.

I saw you play football once. You looked terrific.

Thanks. So do you.

Thank you.

Do you work here all the time?

Oh, of course not.

Archie lets me out at night to fix his dinner.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

She's nice, isn't she?

Huh? Oh, yeah, nice.

Say, uh, are you still having trouble with those algebra problems?

Am I ever.

Maybe I could come over to your house tonight and help you study.

You really want to? I really want to.

Well, wait right here. I had to go ask my uncle.

Uncle Archie! Yeah, what?

Could Eric please come over tonight and help me study?

Oh, the two of you just want to study over the house tonight, huh? No.

Oh, come on, Archie. Stay out of this. I'll be there.

That ain't the point. I ain't gonna be there.

Why not?

This is a place of business here, kiddo. They can't get along here without me.

you're going to miss the John Wayne Film Festival on TV?

Does that start tonight?

I saw it in the TV guide.

The Sagebrush Kid.

That's one of the Duke's early classics.

Then you'll be home?

Oh, well, gee, I don't know. Harry?

You gotta be home for that. Oh, yeah, I think I gotta be home for that.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Billy.

Oh, glad to help.

He's really cute up close.

I know. What does Steffi's young man look like, Arch?

Oh, well, Mr. Bernard, you got to kind of close your eyes and try to imagine a

kind of a, you know, well -built, good -looking young kid there.

He might be a teenage version of me.

If you can feature that.

with his life on the line, and this bum wants to sell me cars.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. I hope yous ain't planning to study over there.

The only other place is my room.

Do what I tell you. You study over there.

Now, listen, I don't like the way you're dressed there, you know?

Why not?

What's wrong with it?

Well, it's just that, you know, the way it looks. Come on, you're only 13.

Why do you have to rush through the loveliest years of your life, you sweet

obsolescence?

Look at your eyes.

What do you got in your eyes there? Oh, look at all the blue.

You look like one of them peacocks getting ready to say, Yoo -hoo.

I forgot something.

What'd you forget?

My perfume.

Listen, when you're up there, change into something else, huh? Just, I mean,

on something that looks like nothing. Something shapeless.

I'm not gonna change my clothes again.

But I will fix my hair different. Call me when Eric gets here, okay?

put me through all this again, Lord? Why?

You want me to get that? Please get that and listen, Billy. You gotta help me

around here. We gotta keep that kid innocent.

Hi, Billy.

Hi, Eric. Come on in.

Where are your books?

It's all up here.

He's the kind of kid who's too smart for books, you know? That's what worries me

a little. Get over there. What's your name?

What's your name again?

Eric. Yeah, Eric.

Well, listen, Eric, I'm going to be spending the evening right here at home,

know, so watch this.

I am only warning the boy that me and the Duke is going to be spending an

evening here.

Come on in the kitchen, Eric. I made a cake for you and Steph.

Well, when you're out there, maybe you ought to explain some of the rules of

house to our Billy and all the things I won't allow around here.

Have a seat. Steph will be right down. Oh, no hurry.

are you studying?

Right now?

You.

Something wrong?

Oh, no, no.

Everything's perfect.

Would you like some milk? No, thanks.

Okay, well, stuff should be down real soon.

Oh, I don't mind waiting.

You're here.

What do you mean?

The reason I'm here.

It's chemistry.

I thought you were studying math.

Oh, that's for Stephanie.

The chemistry's between you and me.

Can't you feel it?

No, I can't feel it. And you'd best not either.

Oh, come on, don't fight it.

You're just as attracted to me as I am to you.

You'd better stop watching old movies. Turn on hockey.

I mean it. You're here to see Stephanie.

Hey, don't worry about coming between Stephanie and me.

I'm very mature for my age.

She's much too young.

Yeah, I think I know the feeling.

You were just a couple of years older.

Yeah? You'd be big enough to hit.

Wow, that's heavy.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What in the hell is going on in this here kitchen?

A talk show fiasco?

I am the glue that holds this group together.

You must have got a few whips to that glue when you was putting on your nails.

Has Regine thinking about moving out? Regine's at Autry Helpline.

Get out. Oh, come on, Billy.

Get out.

You're beautiful when you're angry. Oh, get a new line, kid. I just heard the

dude saying that to Kirby Hayes.

Get out.

Get out. And don't come back, Pilgrim, because my nieces don't want to see no

more boys around here, never.

What a fresh kid that was.

Why would he be doing a thing like that to you, Billy? God, you're practically

an older woman.

You don't think I wanted that kid to kiss me, do you? Oh, now, don't you

recognize? He grabbed me.

It's a good thing we didn't let him get to Stephanie. She wouldn't know how to

handle a little mover like that.

Oh, jeez, I keep telling you this and you won't pay no attention to me. All

is animals. You got to keep them away from you. And there's only one way to

them away from you.

How?

Keep them away.

And that's what you got to tell Steffi.

Me?

Eric should have been here by now.

Maybe he had an accident.

Good idea.

Now, listen.

Billy wants to have a talk with you about something that happened here. You

to talk to her, don't you, Billy? Yes, you do.

All right, the two of you, just sit down here and have that little talk. See, I

want to go out and finish watching my picture. Geez, I'm missing all the good

parts.

Talk to me about what?

Well, Eric left.

Left?

You mean he was here?

Yeah. Why don't you sit down, Stephanie? What happened?

Why did he leave?

If you sit down, I'll explain it.

Did he throw him out?

Stephanie. Why does he do these things? No, listen, Stephanie. I'm never going

to talk to him again as long as I live. Stephanie, wait.

Why do you do these things? Now, wait a minute. I ain't going to take the rest.

Stop for this. I did not throw that kid out of here. She done that. I mean,

after all, he wasn't trying to kiss me.

What are you talking about?

Well, I... Didn't you tell him about it out there? I thought he was going to

talk to him.

Not that it was anything important.

It's just that the kid got himself all excited over Billy there, and he busted

his leash.

How could you kiss him when you know how I feel? feel about him?

Steph, I didn't kiss him.

He came on to me.

Eric wouldn't do that.

Oh, I knew you liked him from the minute you saw him. I saw the way you looked

at him in the restaurant.

How did you look at him?

I don't believe that.

I don't want you sleeping in my room anymore.

Oh, now, wait a minute, dear. Where else is she supposed to sleep? Well, look at

this. The whole evening is shot.

I thought you was out there explaining the whole thing. I mean, whatever you

said, I don't know, but couldn't you maybe use a little way called... Talk?

I mean, kids at this age, they get very high strung, don't you know that?

Archie... Just watch your movie.

Yeah, well, that's all I want to do is just watch the movie here.

God, and look at this.

Ah, well, I ain't gonna worry about it.

It'll all blow over.

Just take it from me. I know what I'm talking about.

She stole my Eric.

What are you talking about? You're Eric. What do you want him for? He's nothing

but a little savage.

He is not.

Oh, I seen him.

Going for her with his kisses there.

The two lips of them like magnets.

Well, I read in science that magnets can only attract objects that are

compatible. Oh, what an awful name to call your little... Cousin, if there's

one thing, Bill, he ain't this compatible.

He don't want no more battling in this house.

Dude, I tell you, he'll go in there and wake her up very sweetly and quietly and

call her for her breakfast. Now, you do that. Now, you obey me.

Stop all of this violence here. I hate violence. Any more violence, I'm going

beat somebody up.

Now, let's sit down and talk this thing over like human beings here.

Now, you go way over there, you go way over there.

Really being such a baby about this. Baby?

How would she feel if someone cheated? Now, just a minute. Just a minute.

I happen to be the only...

Live an eyewitness to this whole thing here.

I know what happened.

Now, will you just let me very quickly, it'll take me a second, explain.

Explain, please do.

It all started when I'm sitting over in my chair, watching the movies.

Luke Wayne is about to save Gabby Hayes from the rustlers.

Around that time, the doorbell rung. Now, Billy goes to the door, she opens

door. And she lets in your little friend, what's his name? Eric.

Whatever.

All right, so he comes into the room.

These two were talking back and forth. And then, for some reason, Billy takes

him out to the kitchen.

Archie, don't help me.

Will you let me finish half, please?

Now, I go back to watching the pictures. He's sitting in my chair. And then

comes a commercial. You know, the one with the knife cutting through the brick

there.

So? I get up, I go into the kitchen for a beer.

And?

And I see your little boyfriend there going for Billy.

Why?

Why, honey, nobody knows why boys do things like that, you know? Sometimes

get too close to girls. Did you let him get too close to you?

She said he looked cute up close.

Oh, well, see, that's what you've done wrong.

Oh, my God.

I knew you were coming on to him, Billy.

Oh, sure I was.

And as soon as his mom lets him stay out past 10 o 'clock, we're going to go

steady.

I wish you'd never come here.

Well, I don't have to stay.

Oh, Billy, Billy, what are you telling me here?

Oh.

Well, you have just made your little cousin leave home.

Ain't that nice? And we'll never see her again.

Well, I don't know what to do.

Have my wits end here.

I'm trying to make peace, but I guess it's going to take a bigger genius than

here. You need a peacemaker in this house, that will scare you into making

peace. Maybe somebody like our beloved Secretary of State, Alexander Scotch.

Well,

all I know is that none of this would have happened if you was where you

this morning, which is in school.

It's Saturday.

Oh, gee,

Saturday. That's right. I got to open up the saloon.

Well, I can't stay no more.

And if you want to go on fighting, then go on fighting. I can't help it. Gee,

fight it out to the death.

I just hope that when I get back, whoever is left here will have a little

of lunch for me.

Billy towards each other, yes?

No. Oh, come on, kid. How long are you going to keep this up?

Forever.

Well, you're young, you know. That may be okay for you, but I don't think I can

wait that long.

And what are we going to do?

We're going to eat lunch.

I made a vegetarian special for a change. I hate vegetarian.

You eat too much beef.

Hey, don't you know that the good Lord intended us to eat a lot of beef there,

huh? That's why he made cows run slow and he gave them bum teeth so they

couldn't defend themselves.

Now, there's a rapping on the door.

Never fails. To me, you get food on the table, there's a rapping on the door.

I was a friend of mine. I told him to get the hell out of here.

Nobody.

Oh, hey, hey, there's that kid there. What's his name? Running down the

Eric? Yeah, yeah.

Over here, look.

See, there he goes.

Hey, there's flowers.

Oh, well, I'm going to need more of an apology than that. They're for me.

Yeah? To the prettiest girl in Queens, I'm sorry about what happened. Please

forgive me. I love you, Billy.

Billy.

What a creep.

Oh, gee whiz. Oh.

Listen, don't cry, honey. You don't want to do that.

I feel so stupid.

I hate him.

I hate me.

No, no, no. That ain't no good. You don't want to hate nobody. That don't do

good. What are we going to do now?

Nobody knows.

Listen, honey, these human tragedies, they always bring on a terrible thirst

me. See, if you don't mind if I run out to the kitchen, get myself a beer, do

something.

I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to me again.

I understand.

Honestly, it's okay.

Why do I think he liked me?

Because that's what you wanted to think.

You want me to throw those away?

Let's keep them.

They're nice.

So what do we do?

Nothing.

Journey Savar, S -A -V -A -R, Savar, 24 hours, 215 -928 -4000.

The guys get a leap of faith on Malcolm and Eddie tonight at 9.

Then Kate gets an indecent proposal on Diresta tonight at 9 .30 on UPN 57.

Coming up next is All in the Family.

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