Original subtitles

What a mess.

This really looks terrible.

I hate it.

My father's having a fit trying to get my project done in time.

Are you proud of doing your work for you?

Oh, sure.

He's making a big model of Mount St. Helens. The volcano?

He was up all last night painting the trees black.

It's great.

I sure wish I had someone like Mr. Bloom to help me do mine.

I wish I had somebody to get me another beer.

If I could do a beer, will you help me do this?

No, honey, you're supposed to do the schoolwork yourself.

But my science teacher said it's okay for the parents to help them, you know,

buy the materials and stuff.

Everybody's parents is doing it. Please, Uncle Archie.

No, honey, I ain't got the time. Geez, I gotta work every day from dusk till

dark.

And there's the bell.

I get it. You see this?

I ain't even got a moment to myself for a little serious reading.

I'm opening the door for you.

Hi, Arch.

Oh, Bloom.

What do you want?

I came to pick up my daughter.

Oh, well, I guess that's okay. Come on.

I'll see you tomorrow, Stephanie.

Good luck on this project.

Oh, is that your science project?

Yeah, it's not very good.

What are you talking about? It's beauty. Yeah, it's not bad at all.

I guess Amy told you all about hers, huh?

Yeah, she told me. It's Mount St. Helens. He tells me again.

I'm building a whole working model of it.

Wait till you see what I got for the eruption, Amy.

A water pump. And for the lava, raspberry syrup.

Ain't that a little revolting, Bloom?

A mountain that throws up all over the place.

It's pizzazz. That's what's going to catch the judge's eyes. We're guaranteed

first prize.

Well, don't be too sure there. Steppy could win with our little planet of the

moon over there.

She even put in sea of stability.

Listen, kids, we better get going if we're going to make that ballet class.

I can't. I have to do this.

Hey, Arch.

Maybe it's none of my business, but you ought to start getting more involved in

Stephanie's education.

You're right, Blum.

It ain't none of your business.

All I'm saying is that the world's more competitive these days.

A kid needs help.

That's why I'm helping Amy with a project.

You don't have to whisper. I ain't gonna snitch to the teacher about it.

But I'll tell you this, it'd be no contest if I was to help my kid with her

over there. Yeah, sure, Art, sure.

Come on, Dad.

We'll miss Ballard.

You gonna help your kid with the ballet there, Bloom?

You better run out and buy yourself a tutu.

Bye. Bye.

Your moon is a loser, huh, kid?

Yes. Well, maybe we can put the fix in.

What I mean is...

Maybe we can fix it up a little, huh?

You mean that you're going to help me?

Well, why don't we take a look at it down the bar? You know, tomorrow at the

school when things are slow, we could turn the whole project over to Murray.

He's bound to know all about science.

Why? Well, he's Jewish.

I'm Jewish, too.

And I don't know zilch.

Well, that's because you're only a girl.

Hey, man, what's with you? Why are you so sleepy?

Uh -huh,

uh -huh. Okay, come on. Who are she?

Quien.

No, no, not quien.

Who? Look, if you're going to learn to speak good English like me, you've got

practice, okay?

Who's the girl you went out with last night?

Oh, just a pollo. You know, a chicken.

No, no, a chick.

Okay, you went out with a chick.

Okay, who was she? What happened?

Nada.

Now, come on, man. You can tell me.

Hey, did you take her up to your room, huh?

My sister?

You and I with my sister?

Who's

the

father? Knowing your sister.

could start with a phone book.

Oh, you're so callous, Lance.

I'm telling you, Harry, it was Chicago that won it 59.

New York, I've seen the game.

No, no, that was 58.

Chicago won it 59.

Would you guys please hold it down? I am trying to watch my soap.

That poor girl is about to have an illegitimate baby again.

Bonnie decided.

Tell him, Bonnie, which one was it? It was Roger, the golf pro.

Really? Are you sure it wasn't Troy, her psychiatrist?

No, Troy was involved with Helen until she discovered him in the hot tub with

Bob. That was before his operation.

Hiya, everybody.

Hiya. Uh,

Murray, the kid wants to talk to you about something. Oh, yeah?

Hi, Steph, what's up? Hi, Murray.

This is for you.

For me?

Yeah. Now, aren't you sweet? Thank you. It's due tomorrow.

Is this supposed to hatch or what?

It's my science project.

Uncle Archie said you'd know what to do to make it better. I do?

Mm -hmm. I have to go to a girls' club meeting.

I'll see you later. Bye -bye. See you later. See you later. Thank you.

I see you still got your eye on them disturbed people, eh?

Would you please move?

Well, go up a bit. I should stand between you and tragedy.

Hey, Arch, what is this?

Last year he was traveling around the moon. Any dope knows that.

The moon travels around the earth. Any dope knows that.

So make it do that.

Why don't you make it do that?

Because this is a special school project the kids do. It's supposed to be done

by friends and a family.

Look, I don't know anything about this. Anybody got any ideas?

I ain't no Mr. Wizard.

My high school science project was watching an apple turn brown.

Listen, I made a great science project when I was in high school.

Had to do with communications and sound waves, stuff like that. Hey, that's very

good there, Barney. Right. You took a long piece of string. You put a paper

at this end, a paper cup at the other end. Then the other kid went way down

hall. Come on, cut it out, will you? What the hell? You call that science?

Well, that's what they called it in those days.

And if I remember correctly, I won second prize with it.

Come on, will you think of something?

Shh.

Who won first prize?

Some kid named Howard Schnebby. The teacher's pet, of course.

You know what he made?

A lousy radio.

A common thing you could pick up in any store.

I don't wage it.

Your husband, Carl, he died last year.

Well, I never won nothing in science.

I never had a chance.

My father made me take home economics because my mother couldn't cook.

You hear this?

Another jewel from my chest of pathetic memories.

Which brings me back to that sad -looking thing over there. Jeez, the kid

win with that thing.

I mean, there's other people spending all kinds of dough on pumps and whatnot.

She really needs help, huh?

Winning this competition means everything in the world to that poor,

little child.

I don't think we should do this. I mean, aren't kids supposed to do it for

themselves?

Murray, I'm telling you, they're supposed to get help with this.

Well, let's help her. Yeah.

Please, Murray. All right, okay.

Now, if we were to build a solar system, we should start with the nine planets.

Hold it. Why stop with nine?

We could buy some styrofoam balls.

Yeah. Listen, I could whip up a batch of that papier -mâché stuff in the

Cuisinart. I'll get some paper. She'll leave something for Kratos. I'll get my

drill. Don't take it, Barney. I'm going down to the library to get some books on

astronomy. Oh, that's swell. Yeah, get it all together for the kid there, huh,

guys? She'll be so happy when I tell her she's going to win.

And I'll be so happy to humiliate that blue.

Don't be looking. People talk to themselves.

I think I'm going to bend my mars a little more towards the

center. Okay, but don't touch my rings. They ain't dry yet. Don't worry.

This is going to be beautiful. Wait till Steffi sees it.

Yeah, I got to admit it.

We did one hell of a job here, didn't we?

What do you think, sir? What do you think of that, huh?

I think it's... Just beautiful, right?

Yeah. Oh, gee.

It's just that... Listen, that's a terrific thing there.

You got the whole Polish... Wait till Bloom gets a load of this.

I just didn't think it was gonna be like this. Ah, Steffi, listen, it was our

pleasure. I made the rings. I made the craters.

If this is gonna win, it'll get you right up to the old Philly finals,

see.

That's a good -looking lamp.

You know, I feel kind of funny about turning it in. I mean, you guys did the

whole thing. What are you talking about?

You thought of the yoy to the moon. That's enough for a girl.

Come on, we gotta get to school. I'll carry you.

All right, I'll hold it by two. What am I supposed to do? Hold it by the base.

Give me a chance.

Go right in, Stephanie.

You wanted to see me, Miss Wayfield?

Oh, yes. Come on in, Stephanie.

Your teacher asked me to talk to you.

Sit down.

I've just been admiring your science project.

It's quite impressive.

It's okay, I guess.

The concept is imaginative.

The craftsmanship is very professional.

The accuracy and the detail of the craters easily deserves an A or an A+.

You didn't do it, did you?

I'm surprised at you, Stephanie.

You know what this means, don't you?

Enough.

And your project is disqualified from the competition.

I'm going to have to talk to your uncle.

You can go back to class now.

You always carry around a bowl of water, kid?

No.

This is my science project.

Did your fish die?

There was no fish.

Then what does that do?

It evaporates. Shows where the water goes.

Maybe you should have made a little model tailor then.

Oh, what do you mean? You ain't gonna get away with that.

I know.

Didn't work last year, either.

Oh, Blue, Blue, where you going?

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, Miss Wakefield just wanted to talk to me about the, you know, Amy's

science project.

Hey, hey, I get to talk to her, too.

I know. I saw your project in there. I was really impressed.

She's got it in there?

I have to admit, you got me beat this time.

Yeah, well, wait a minute. Listen.

It takes a good man to know when he lost.

And I know that you lost.

Mr. Bunker, would you come in, please?

Oh, certainly, certainly there.

What do you call... Wakefield.

Wakefield.

Why, you got this right here on your desk, huh?

Yeah, you must like it.

It's very impressive.

By far the best project turned in.

Oh, thank you, thank you. Listen, as I always say, the parents ought to get

they call involved in a kid's work, you know.

May I?

Oh, please.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Ah, Miss Wakefield.

Still ain't married, huh?

Hope you notice all the detail in this here.

Yes, even the giant red spot on Jupiter.

Oh, well, the kid done that.

I let her do a little, you know, and she dropped some paint there.

Yeah, well, Mr. Bunker, I... It must have been pretty hard to grade a thing

that. You know, I mean, being so good.

A plus is the highest grade.

I'm sorry, Mr. Bunker. Stephanie got an F.

F?

She failed.

Failed?

Yes, Miss... Failed?

But why?

I think you know why.

All parents help their children on things of this kind here. It happens all

time. Look at this. Hey, listen.

Take them astronauts that made the visits to all of these here planets

They wouldn't have never done that except the parents that helped them

way.

Any time a kid's got a project, you gotta help the kid. You can't let a kid

up and do a project on his own.

Or he brings back up all the water.

He got a D.

At least he put the water in the bowl himself.

That wasn't even a project.

Mr. Bunker, we're not trying to build projects here. We're trying to build

minds.

Oh, come on.

All the parents do their work for their kids, and you know that, every one of

them. I don't think so.

Oh, listen, I don't want to name names, but I could give you the initials of a

guy that just walked out of here, Barry Bloom.

He also got an F.

And a bill for damages.

He got a bill for damages?

Yes, his volcano erupted syrup all over the classroom.

Half the seventh grade are still rinsing it out of their hair.

I warned him about that.

The minute I seen that pump and all of that, I knew there was going to be some

kind of a disaster.

What kind of a man is that? He take a simple little child's...

I think you're right.

That's what he was doing.

God, what a selfish man.

Weren't you doing the same thing?

No.

No, I wasn't trying to do that. All I was trying to do was with the kid. I

she had some... I was just trying to get a few things together for her and...

That's the bell.

I heard it.

Well, that means I can go.

I mean, can I go?

Would you like to take a project with you?

Yeah, if you don't want to know, I'll tell you.

Well, at least I didn't get stuck with a bill for damages, huh?

You're an emperor, kid.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

What are you sorry for? It ain't your fault.

It's your fault?

No, it ain't my fault.

It's the fault of all them Buninsky's down at the bar there.

That's what she said in there.

I mean, they've done all this to win prizes themselves.

Getting an F isn't much of a prize, is it?

I wonder how they'll feel when they find out.

They'll feel terrible if they got an ounce of decency left in them.

You're not going to say anything to hurt their feelings, are you?

You know me better than that.

minute. What'd you bring it back for?

I brung it back, Marie, because it ain't no good.

Oh,

what do they expect from a seventh grader?

Stephanie, come here, honey. What happened?

I got an F. An F? Why?

Because she didn't do it herself.

She's all moved in on it. She's muscled her out of the whole thing.

Help,

yes, but just... made it too good?

Didn't you have brains enough to louse it up a little bit so as it looked like

kid's honest?

What's the sense in arguing there?

One mistake in the whole thing.

The little red spot you left on the side of the planet Juniper.

It really wasn't anybody's fault but

mine. I should have done the work myself.

Sorry you got an F, honey. Yeah, we didn't mean to lash out, Steph.

It's okay.

But my teacher said it deserves an A. Oh, don't be telling them that.

An A. She didn't say that.

That's right.

She said an A+. A+. Hey, guys.

So, what did she think about my papier -mâché?

Did she like my craters?

She said they were very accurate, and she went on and on about that. Can't we

let the whole thing die?

Hey, hey, hey, my rings. My rings. What'd she say about my rings?

She said the classmanship was very professional.

Well, listen, Steffi, that's very nice to know, but we're really sorry that you

failed. It's okay.

My teacher said I can make it up by writing a term paper.

Dang. I wrote a term paper once for science.

Me, too. I once wrote about Madame Curie.

Hey, I got an old book at home about Edison.

We could copy it right out of there.

Oh, here you go. Oh, no.

All of it. Will you stop?

Stop what?

Everybody wants to help, but it's all... They ain't gonna make the same mistake

again. Listen, I could help out with the typing.

Yeah, yeah, let her type. In fact, take all the help you can get from her.

Then it will honestly look like the work of a child.