Original subtitles

Now, Mrs. Campion, in case of emergencies.

I call the Catskill Inn.

Number? Area code 914 -555 -6200.

Room? 319.

Anybody in there?

You're in the convention center by the bar equipment display.

Or? The Cheeses of the World exhibit.

Hey, hey, bring me back some Dutch Limb Waker.

Not in my car.

Can we go?

All right, all right, come on. I'm going, I'm going.

God, I hate to leave home. I never enjoy myself.

Now, don't worry about a thing here.

Steffi and I have a great weekend planned.

Tomorrow, Mrs. Cammie's taking me to the Museum of Modern Art.

They got any nude statues in that Museum of Modern Art?

Yes, but they look more like bicycles.

God, do we go?

Come on, we will never beat that traffic. All right, all right. Now,

all of you, take care of yourselves. I'll be careful when I'm gone.

Remember, you're living in New York.

I'll see you in a couple of days.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, be a good girl, huh? Don't talk to nobody on the streets.

Why? Because nobody's any good.

Why? Come on.

Yes.

Okay, son.

Thank you.

Here you go. What are you giving him here?

Buck, take it a half a buck. I'm turning the lamp on. Here you go. Thank you.

Well, nice room, huh?

Well, I guess it ain't bad.

Smells kind of funny.

Oh, well, look, that's the air freshener. Makes it smell like it's

If you want to smell the outdoors, why rent a room?

Oh, holy cow, look at this. Oh, what's the matter now?

Why do they always do this in hotels?

Stretch these things across the can.

God, for your own protection. What the hell do they think I'm going to do, fall

in?

Forget the room, buddy. We're not going to be in it that much.

Oh, here you go.

Here's your identification tags.

There's yours.

There's mine.

Oh, look at this.

Look at this, will you?

Sauna and massage and co -ed hot tubs.

Darling. Oh, oh.

A bunch of half -naked

people thrashing around in one of them tubs doing God knows what of the

Don't be so narrow -minded.

Let me tell you something. It's that kind of stuff that destroyed the

Empire.

What are you talking about?

Yes, yes, while all the Japs was relaxing in them tubs there, MacArthur

sneaking up on them.

MacArthur, you've been out of the mainstream for a long time. You know,

the 80s. You're still back in the 40s. Now, get with it, will you?

Excuse me. I'm going to freshen up.

Mrs. Camby is me.

Yeah, well, yeah, we got here fine.

No, no, no, no, I ain't worried about nothing. I just thought that maybe I...

Maybe I left the phone off the hook.

It is off the hook?

Oh, yeah, you use it, sure.

Well, listen, while I got you on the wire, I was noticing here that it was

getting dark, so I figured it must be dark there, too, you know? And where's

kid?

Oh, she's doing her homework. That's nice.

No, no, don't put her on the wire there, see, because that might upset her. Did

she bawl a lot after I left?

Not now.

Tough little nuttings.

Well, look, I won't take up more of your time. I can call you tomorrow.

Yes, yes, good night. Good night.

What are you going home for?

Not that I forgot something.

Like what?

My cuticle scissors. The hell with them.

Come on, forget about home.

We're here to relax.

Loosen up.

Live a little.

Oh, my God.

Pretty fancy, eh?

Where'd you find that? In the shower?

And it's custom made.

Why?

Why?

Well, because it makes me look ten years younger.

Makes me feel good to wear it.

And what's wrong with that?

Well, you look like a different guy.

Well, that's what life is all about. You gotta try new things. You keep

experimenting, Arch.

Experimenting? Who are you, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Klein?

All right, enough of this, huh?

Let's go down to the bar, have a drink, and mingle around.

We'll go down and have a little drink. Forget about the mingling.

Okay.

Let's just be on our merry way then, huh?

And do whatever happens.

Happens.

I want to see what happens to that doily when you sneeze.

Thank you. Hey, this is great, isn't it? I don't like this kind of a crowd.

Murray, everybody on the make.

Come on, just people trying to have fun before the moral majority takes over.

Hi, fellas. Hi, fellas. Hi.

Shut up.

Shut up.

I'm Betty and this is Marlene.

Hello, Betty and Marlene. I'm Murray. This is Archie there. We run a

little bistro on the North Shore.

It means we own a saloon in our story.

We're with Bayside Distributors, and we would love for you to join us tonight.

We're having a party in 3811.

A party tonight?

Would you come? We can't make that. Oh, come on. Food and drinks and lots of

attractive ladies.

Oh, attractive ladies.

Well, I mean, don't grab me. What's the matter? Don't you like women?

No.

Don't worry about it, boys.

We respect that.

Let's go, Betty.

You know what they think we are. Do you know what they are?

That's what I wanted to find out.

Ask me. I'll tell you.

I'm not going to meet any women hanging around with you. You're a drag. I came

here to mingle. I'm going to mingle.

Maury, we're supposed to be inspecting bar equipment.

Well, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Where are you going?

I'm going to inspect a well -equipped bar.

Listen, I may want to use the room to entertain, so if you see a don't disturb

sign on the door, you know what that means, huh?

Yeah, it means you have an animal.

You'll never guess.

Oh, why?

Because you don't know me.

Uh -oh. Can I sit up? Oh, well, lady, I'm alone. Oh, good.

So am I.

I'm glad it's Piper.

Yeah, how do you do? Wait for his check, please.

Archie bummer.

Wait, Chris.

There we are.

Come on in, Diana.

Make yourself comfortable.

Take off your fox.

I'll be right with you.

Room period.

I like a nice chilled bottle of Cordon Rouge.

How long will that take to get up here?

45 minutes? Why so long?

It's all right, honey.

We'll still be here.

Okay, fine.

Thank you.

319.

That's right.

Well, Diana.

Murray.

Tell me, how long have you been distributing organic food?

We didn't come up here to discuss business now, did we? Oh, you're so

Oh,

you're sick of me.

I'm sick of this.

Oh,

yes.

Oh, no.

Hey, hey, hey.

What do you want?

More than you planned on, tiger.

I really figured you'd be the kind of guy to wear a money belt.

Look, I told you, that's all I have.

Just take what you want.

Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me.

Hey, what time is it?

It's a half past... Here, just take a leave. Back up. Yes, ma 'am. Whatever

say. Whatever you say.

Oh.

What's the matter? I was hoping for a lawn jean.

That's a joke, Murray. Laugh.

You know,

you conventioneers.

I always carry around too much cash.

Doesn't anybody listen to Carl Malden?

You've done this before, haven't you?

Sorry to tell you, Murray, but you're not my first.

Let me ask you something.

Why me?

When you pay for my drink in the bar, you flash quite a role to impress me.

I don't want you to call the police until after I'm long gone.

So put your hands through here.

Come on. Yes, ma 'am.

And then we went into the 11th grade.

You didn't go on to college, did you?

We were planning to.

The tragedy struck.

Again?

So low.

I seriously considered killing myself.

Waitress.

He's coming over me now.

You know what I really like best about you?

You're kind.

I think you're the kindest, most sensitive man I have met in a long time.

But you don't talk enough about yourself.

I mean, like, what do you do for fun?

You have any hobbies?

Here, magic.

Magic. Oh, could you do something for me?

Well, maybe I could.

We'll go up into space there.

And close your eyes.

This is exciting.

Now, don't open your eyes again now.

Okay. Until after you've finished counting up to ten.

Go.

This is it.

I knew you would.

Relax, Murray.

You're not getting out of this.

Who's that?

It's Archie, my roommate.

Oh, no.

Listen, you play along with everything I say.

Pretend that you're having a good time.

Or I'll shoot you. And then I'll shoot him.

Hey, Arch.

I'm entertaining.

Geez, why did you put that sign on a door there?

I forgot.

Well, I...

What the hell is going on here?

You're all tied up. You look like you're in pain.

He begged me to do it. It's the only thing he likes.

Nothing else works for me, Arch.

I feel soiled.

What the hell are you, a kinko?

I'm a victim of my upbringing.

Don't bring a thing like this on your poor mother.

people like this before, but I've never met one.

You ought to be horse -whipped.

Please, don't get him excited.

Come on, child.

Get up off of that bed.

Come over here.

Now, this ought to be a lesson to you. Never go into a man's hotel room. Didn't

your poor father ever tell you that?

Just when he passed away.

It was sad.

You ought to be ashamed.

Can I go home now?

Yes, of course you can. You should go home now. Come on. Don't look back at

that.

You go home and get yourself a nice cup of cocoa and get into your bed and put

all of this out of your mind.

You're a very nice man. Well, thank you.

Oh, yes, thank you.

When I seen you put that rug on your head, I knew you was weird.

Call the police.

The police? Yes.

The police is the last people you want at a time like this, Marie?

Do you know what them big, innocent upstate cops would do to a degenerate

you? I don't care what they would do. This was a stick -up. She had a gun.

What a lot of malarkey. No, but check my wallet. out of the table there. Go

ahead, check it. Take a look. Go ahead.

Murray, you'll be robbed.

Will you get me out of this house?

Yeah, all right.

Don't worry about it. You're in no danger now. I gotta call somebody first

Jeez. How am I gonna explain this to all the guys back home?

You don't have to.

Hello, desk.

Listen, I want you to get me the police here.

This is Archie Bunker. I'm up in room 319.

Yes, we was robbed.

No, no, nobody is hurt.

See, what happened is this beautiful young blonde girl with a gun, she come

here, see?

And she overpowered my partner, Murray Klein.

Murray Klein.

Yes, all right. He'll be right over.

Good. Good. Soon as you can. Bye.

Jeez.

Is this all she done to you, Rob? No.

She tied me up. Now, will you untie me? She didn't let you do nothing first. Can

you get me out of these ropes?

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

Oh, by the way, look what I brought you. Oh, come on.

Take it easy. Take it easy. See?

I tried to warn you about this, you know.

Stay away from women. Keep away.

Because they're all dangerous. See?

That's why I got married, so I could stay the hell away from him.

Come in.

Excuse me.

What do they sure get all kinds at these conventions?

Now, don't be a smart aleck. You don't know what this poor man's been through

here. Listen, what two consenting adults do in the confines of their own room,

it's okay with me.

What are you talking about?

Oh, boy.

Oh, I feel those stupid boys. She must have seen me coming. She did.

She did.

You was hot to trot, and it was wrote all over your face there, not to mention

the top of your head. Oh, come on. Will you lay off me? I almost got killed.

You almost got killed. Why can't you control your sexual surges there?

Dates, girls, parties, bars. Why do you keep doing it? Because I just happen to

like a little fun. Is that a crime?

It was tonight, and I hope you learned something.

Oh, I did. And from that girl.

What?

Carry traveler's checks.

Oh, that's A.

But then there is B.

Come in, officer.

And this is a thing I have known all my life. Never pick up a woman in a bar.

Why'd you leave me at the bar?

Oh, my God.

My chickens.

You disappeared, but I found you.

Ah, chickens.

Murray. Oh, you ordered champagne.

Oh, how romantic.

I'll wait for the police downstairs. I don't think you want them to come up

here, do you? Ah, Murray, come on and say what you think here.

I see, yes.

I'll leave the sign on the outside of the door.

Murray. Ah, chickens.

Murray.

Murray!

Here we are.

Yeah.

What are we going to do now?

Oh, jeez.

Oh, well.

As long as we're all alone in the room.

Would you care to join me on the bed here?

No more magic?

How the hell would I? But, Magic, the time for that kid stuff is long past.

Well, ain't this, uh, what do you call?

Entree mousse?

I guess so.

Would you, uh, mind if I tied you

up?

What the hell am I laughing at? The whole world is doing this.