Original subtitles

Hey, we got trouble.

We've got trouble.

What? What now?

Archie wants to hang around tonight.

Look, he's going to find out what we're doing sooner or later.

Yeah, but I'd rather him find out later than sooner.

Murray, take it easy. What is the last thing he's going to want to do on his

night off?

Work. You're right. You're right. Okay. Look, I'll go out and talk to him. Tell

him he's got to work here tonight.

Okay? You come out in a few minutes and agree with everything I say. Okay?

Okay. Okay.

I'll agree. I'll agree.

I got to talk to you. Yeah, well, listen, I want to talk to you, too,

of these strange items you're putting on the menu. Look, can we go over that

tomorrow? No, we talk about it now. What is this shrimp Louie here? Who the hell

is Louie? Well, I don't care.

And what's this other thing here?

Escargot. Yeah, that's escargot. That's snails.

Snails? Oh, come on, Murray. Our customers are not going to eat no animal

leaves trails behind.

Marge, why don't you go to that lodge meeting tonight?

You know I quit the lodge over racial strife.

Look, you can't hang around here. We got a lot of work to do.

A lot of work to do?

What kind of work?

We've got to clean out the pantry and take the inventory and straighten out

books. Straighten out the books.

And then we attack the storeroom. Attack the storeroom.

When you was out shopping for the snails, did you also pick up a pirate

giant? For the giant.

Well, I think we ought to get started, huh? What do you say, Veronica?

I think we can do this in about five or six hours. Easy.

Hold it. Hold it. Five or six hours.

Maury, I can't do that. Why not?

No, I got to get home now. Listen, it ain't like I want to leave you with a

of work to do, but I promised Mrs. Camby I'd do something important for her

there. Like what?

It was to toss a salad.

Here's a CBS movie, Sounds to Vivic.

The other side of the goalposts.

A hard -rendering tale of how an athlete with brain damage falls in love with a

deaf schoolteacher.

You know, there's a story that touches all our lives.

So why did you watch that tonight?

Because it ain't on tonight.

What do you say to that, kiddo? You want to play me a couple of hands of cards?

I'm doing my homework.

Ah, you want my help?

No.

Well, then it must be something easy. What is it?

It's science. Newton's laws.

Newton's laws.

Newton, Newton, Newton, Newton.

Oh, yeah. Wasn't he the guy that discovered how to make a cookie out of a

Sometimes this child gives me the funniest looks.

Why don't you go out and have some fun? Go bowling.

Oh, well, no.

I let my bowling ball down in the bar, you know. If I go down there to get it,

Murray, he'll only put me to work.

How can he put you to work on your night off?

Because he does what Murray tells him.

What do you mean I do what Murray tells me? I'm the boss.

Then act like the boss.

Get your ball and go bowling.

Well, maybe I will at that.

Hey, listen, the main reason that I didn't want to do that was that this is

Tuesday, you know.

And Tuesday night is the...

Senior Citizens League.

Some of them old people, they rack up more strokes than they do strikes.

But then, God knows I'm headed for that league myself.

Oh, dear.

We have this every Tuesday night.

Okay, now, so I got him against the rope, right? I think he went left.

He'd fall down.

Now, if I stayed in the ring, I could have been a contender.

Is that a point?

Yeah. That was exciting, Mary.

Was even more exciting when Marlon Brando said it on the waterfront.

Give me a break, will you?

Have an hors d 'oeuvre, Mar.

You want to come to my place and play carnival? Ooh, what's that?

You sit on my lap and I guess your weight.

Hey, buddy, you know the most thrilling way to play carnival?

How? You go out and find the gorilla and kick him in the behind.

What is this lady's night every Tuesday? Boys, drink free!

Hey, hey, find a room, will you?

Sure I know you. You're B .O. Derry.

Funny.

Hey, I ain't seen you here tonight.

I don't think you've seen nothing here tonight.

All right, so I give him another lift. Give him a right. Another left. I step

back. Down he goes.

Now, if I had stayed in the ring, I could have been a contender.

I cry on you. attention a minute there, contender?

Well, Arch.

Yeah, hi. What are you doing here?

Never mind that. What the hell is going on here?

Look, don't get excited. Just trying out a new thing. This is an evening for the

ladies. I was going to tell you about it. Oh, you were?

Was you going to tell me before?

Do you have to be here? No. Why?

See you later.

Was you going to tell me before or after?

You give away all of our priceless liquor.

How are you?

What a surprise.

Since when did we begin selling little weenies? No, we're not selling them.

We're giving them away. It's a nice gesture for the customers, don't you

got a gesture for the two of you.

Give me that, come on. You're turning the place into a pickup joint.

It isn't a pickup joint.

What do you mean? I got eyes and I know what I'm looking at there. Look at them

two over there, huh?

They're running off to find a motel room because they want to get weighed.

Just a minute, Veronica. Will you stay here and just watch our bar? You, big

mouth, get inside. I'll get inside. Come inside. I want to talk with you. I got

some things to talk over with you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeling it.

Hey, listen, Mac.

Anytime you get them whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa feelings, the can is in here on

left.

Ridiculous thing I've ever seen. Where do you come off this? Shut the door,

you? I'll shut the door.

Where do you come off doing a thing like this to me without letting me know

about it? Because every time I come up with a new idea to improve the things in

this joint, you hear what I'm saying? Joint. You say no. That's all I hear

you. No, no, no.

Well, you know I can't stand no way. That's what I'm talking about.

How do you expect to make money out of a thing like this? After you pay the

piano player there. After you pay for all the free booze.

What are you talking about? That ladies' night is going to be turning a profit

in a couple of weeks. I don't want to talk about that, Nevin, no more. In

I don't want to talk about no business at all. I don't want to talk to you.

If that's the way you want it, that's the way you're going to get it.

You don't want to talk to me? I don't want to talk to you.

I'll do my job, you just do your job. And if you've got anything to say to me,

you use somebody else.

What do you mean?

Use Harry, Banner, Barney, or your lawyer.

Your lawyer.

Take a look at today's specials. I think you'll like them.

Hey, Art, this is really delicious chicken.

Well, it ought to be. I order only the cherished boys, you know.

With the wings and the legs already removed.

I get them from the mafia.

My partner Klein, you know, he don't know how to order nothing.

That place is really hopping, Murray.

No, thanks to Bunker. You know, if he had his way, the only customers we would

have would be old doughboys singing Yankee Doodle Dandy.

How long has this been going on?

All morning.

It's like Tendon Bar at the Battle of Bull Run.

Who made Bull?

Hey, Arch.

Yeah? Slow gin fizz for table six. Oh, yeah, yeah.

What are you doing with the oranges in this?

Murray likes a little garnish in the drinks.

Tell Mr.

Klein, if he wants to serve fruits, why don't he open up his own saloon on Fire

Island?

Tell Mr.

Bunker that the customers like it that way.

He says... The way those two guys are carrying on is driving me to drink.

Watch it, Jose.

One to a kitchen.

I have an idea. This worked great in a picture with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory

Peck. Now, you tell Murray that Archie wants to apologize.

And I'll tell Archie that Murray wants to apologize.

But then you'll have to get them together in a castle in the south of

How about a storeroom in the north of Queens?

It's just as good.

You thinking of work, Jose?

Who knows?

As my uncle Cortillo used to say, you can lead a horse to water, but if he

tequila, that's it.

I hope this works, Barney.

It's a natural.

What are we doing?

Fundamentally, we're bringing together two people who want to stay together.

All right, then let's just break it up. No apology, no deal. Right, this jank

got along pretty swell before you come. I'm going to get along swell after you

go. Well, let me tell you something. I'm the only one around here who knows what

he's doing.

Wrong hat.

So this is it then, huh, Murray? That's right, Arch. This is it.

You said you wanted to apologize to me. You want me to apologize to him? Well, I

ain't gonna do nothing like that.

Look at each other, huh?

What does this here thing could lead to heartbreak?

Any other ideas, Barney?

Well, there was this other swell picture with Gene Raymond and Vera Ruber

Ralston.

How you doing there, Mr. Bell?

Oh, kind of tough working alone, Arch.

No, no.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, when I heard that Murray walked out of here a week ago, I figured this place

would collapse.

No, I ain't far from it. Let me tell you something.

This place is one that's smoother than it ever run before. Now that I'm doing

myself, my way.

Uh, Harry.

A drawer of brew for the boss here, huh?

And another highball on the house for Mr. Bernard.

Arch, I'm still working on my last free one.

When I drink too much, my hearing gets blurred.

Hey, Archie, when is my meat being delivered? I've got dinner to prepare.

Will you keep your drawers on there, huh?

I know all about it. Your meat will be delivered this afternoon, unscheduled.

I don't forget nothing.

They forgot his beer.

Chuck's meat?

Is this Chuck?

Yeah, this is Archie Bunk of old Archie Bunker's place.

Hi, Chuck.

Hey, listen, Chuck.

Didn't I order meat yesterday afternoon?

Oh, I didn't.

Well, listen, you've got to send me over some meat right away.

What do you call emergency meat?

Oh,

Chuck, I don't know. Murray usually does this, you know. Whatever he says. Hey.

Send over some steaks, you know, and some chops and ground soy loin there,

roast chuck.

Now, hold on. No, no, I don't mean a roast chuck. See, a chuck is your name.

If I'd have wanted a roast chuck, I'd have said, send me over some roast chuck

chuck.

You got that all, huh?

Well, send it over as soon as you can, will you? Please.

Yeah, thank you very much, Chuck.

Yeah, yeah, goodbye, Chuck.

Who's that?

It's an old bag lady.

Yeah, come on in, come on in.

What a mess.

If Mrs. Cagney saw this, she wouldn't get dessert for a week.

Did you bring your calculator?

Yeah, but what's wrong with this one?

That one there was broke.

Who broke it?

What is the difference who broke us, huh?

I know who broke us. And knowing that don't do me no good.

Lock the door, huh?

How'd it get like this?

Your Uncle Murray walking out on me without apologizing is how it got like

I see a calculator.

You brought me a Mickey Mouse calculator?

Works for me.

All right, all right. Here, here.

I want you to work an easier figure, see?

I've been doing it in my head.

And I'm off a little bit, you know. One time, $7. The next time, $1 ,800 like

that.

So, you add up this count of figures here with the result. Add the other

put the result. Add the two together, see? You put that result back in sale.

Can you do that box over there? Uncle Lars, I don't think I can do all this.

But I need some help.

I can tell you how to start.

Tell me.

Apologize to Murray.

Oh, no, no. I ain't gonna apologize to him.

What do you mean, apologize to Murray, huh?

Who is it?

Hello? Hello?

How the hell does this thing work?

Stop fiddling with it.

I'll buzz the buzzer. You hear it buzz, you push the door.

Hello? Hello?

Look, we've already done that, Arch.

Look, I'm pushing the buzzer.

Open the door. We're down the hallway.

I'm on the ground floor, remember?

That's apartment 1A.

Can you hear me?

I can hear you now.

Thank you.

Well, sit down. Yeah, I'll sit over here.

What'd you come for?

Well, nothing.

Did you come to apologize?

Apologize? No, no.

I come because I want to let you know that, uh, everybody down at James asked

me. Oh.

That's nice.

Thank you.

Uh, I was going over the books, you know.

Any problem with the books?

Oh, no, no, no problem. Hey, you know what I'm saying.

Hey. Books is the easiest part of the job.

But it was whilst I was going over the books that it come to me that the

night maybe could make us some money.

Well, I think you should go on with it. Why not? It's your place.

Want a drink?

Yeah, give me something. Whatever you have.

A little wine?

Man.

Here you go.

I don't want to go on with it alone.

Murray, I think we ought to go on with it together like before, equal partners.

Come on, what do you say?

I say no.

Look, Arch, I just think that I ought to sell my share of the place to somebody.

Who? Well, anybody I want.

Somebody you like, hopefully.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, Murray. Listen, listen, hear me

now.

suppose you and I was going to be partners, like, for the first time.

Now, you tell me the first thing that you would ask me. You just name it. I'll

give it to you.

Well, I want two things. Two things? Yeah.

First, I want an apology.

Apology? No, no, hear me out.

First, an apology.

Second, our names on the front window.

You mean you want me to change the name of Archie Bunker? No, no, no, no, no,

no. I didn't mean that. I mean, for me, that would be bad luck. I mean, it's...

It's always been Archie Bunker's place, right? I think it's best to stay that

way. Oh, much better, Mark.

You know, what I was thinking, like my name on the window. We could do that.

Very artistic.

You paint your name there in very fancy little black letters.

Large gold letters.

Done on the door.

On the window.

Where? The lower left -hand corner.

Looking out or looking in?

Looking in.

Come on, come on.

We've got to get right back to the place. Wait a minute.

I've got to come in tomorrow. What's the rush? No, no, not tomorrow. Tonight.

We've got a lot of work to do.

You know,

nothing that can't wait until we get back to the office there.

A couple of little things, you know, like the calculator got broke.

The main thing I want to tell you, Murray, is here.

I'm awful glad you're coming back.

What happened to the calculator?

Somebody broke it. Well, who?

What difference does it make who?

Well, will you give me an idea?

All right, all right, if you must know. I want to know what happened. The kid

was playing with it. She broke it.