Original subtitles

You know, business is getting so good in our little restaurant there that maybe

it's time we put tassels on the menus.

March, why don't we close early tonight, huh?

Not much action at the bar.

What do you say?

I'll get the cash.

Hey, talking about cash, ain't you glad I bought us that little safe over there?

Oh, no, I don't want to start an argument with you, but, you know, that

useless.

That's what you think, wise guy.

Look, if the Saturday night bandit breaks in here, He sees the safe. He

the money is in it and realizes that he can't open it.

What does he do?

He does what we want him to do. He robs somebody else.

What's the first thing he does?

He leaves the premises.

Right.

Right.

With the safe.

He picks it up, puts it under his arm, and he exits laughing.

Well, let me tell you something, laughing boy.

If I'd have wanted a burglar -proof safe, I'd have went out and bought us a

one. But then, I wouldn't have wanted to lay out to it $3 ,000.

Well, what is this one for?

Did you think I was going to put the money in this safe?

Yes. Don't be stupid. This here safe is only a decoy.

What do you mean, decoy? I'll show you what I mean.

I had no idea of putting the money in that safe.

I'm gonna put the money right here in this here cigar box, huh?

Where no intelligent bandit is ever gonna look for it.

That is terrific. Now, how come Brink didn't think of that? Because big

companies always overlook the oblivious.

Hey, guys, I'm ready to take off.

Okay, Harry, we'll cover.

Arch, why don't you go home? I'll close up.

No, why don't you go home? I'll close up.

No, Arch, it's my turn.

Well, that don't make no difference. I'll stay anyway. I'm in no particular

hurry to rush home. You know, Edith and the kid are over in Nutley, New Jersey.

Aunt Flavia's dying over there.

Oh, yeah? Where's she dying from?

From 92.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I look at the bright side, you know. The old lady's finally getting out

Jersey.

Okay, guys.

Last call here.

I'll have a double scotch old -fashioned with two cherries, a slice of orange,

and a hunk of pineapple.

Are you thirsty or are you hungry?

Just make the drink, will you? If I want humor, I'll read the cocktail napkins.

Why, after all these years, are you first ordering an old -fashioned?

In case I walk by the Waldorf, I don't want the doorman to smell beer on my

breath.

However usual.

All right, come on.

Don't run a fruit stand here. I'm going to give you straight scotch. Take it or

leave it.

No, Mr. Van Nye, you come in every night. You sit here all night drinking.

never once see you go to the toilet.

I know.

I like to have something to do when I'm home.

Okay, guys.

The sooner you all drink your booze, the sooner we'll be able to lock up and get

out of here. Give us a break.

Hey,

how come you're closing so early, Arch? What are you worried about?

What do you mean?

You know, the Saturday Night Bandit. You scared he's going to knock over the

joint?

I ain't scared of nothing.

Don't tempt fate, Arch.

Yeah, you've been lucky.

Six or seven saloons have been hit in the past two months.

Yeah, you know, if you catch him, there's a $2 ,500 reward.

I know all about that, Hank.

Yeah, and if you do, then you buy a round for all the regulars?

No, I won't.

Then I'm rooting for the robber.

If anyone comes in here, we're gonna be ready for it.

Oh, geez, would you look at this guy. What the hell is he gonna do with a

baseball bat?

Whatever he does, he's bound to do better than the Mets.

Well, I don't know. The A's got some pretty good hitters, ain't they?

Billy Martin was the best hitter, and he didn't even use a bat.

Hey,

listen, guys, let me tell you something. I got the best protection of war right

down here under the bar.

Hey, this is better than any baseball bat.

Hey, look out!

What's he got?

A gun!

I'm not deaf.

He answers to any crook who comes in trying to rob us.

That's free.

Hey, come on, Hodge. Oh, look at them. They're all yellow.

Where did that come from?

From Louie the loan shark.

It's on loan. You know, until the emergency's over.

Wait a minute now.

You mean to tell me that you would shoot a human being?

Listen to this guy with the human being.

When was anybody ever robbed by a chicken?

Human beings happen to be the kind of people who rock.

So it's so fast, so them's the kind of people that you shoot.

How much could he get away with? You know, today's receipts are already in

bank. All we've got is a couple of hundred dollars to open with tomorrow.

But that's money, ain't it?

You mean you would shoot somebody for a couple of hundred dollars?

In a war, I shot people for nothing.

This here is a war, too. It's a war against crime.

So?

So, how many wars do we ever win with a ball bat?

Your logic overwhelms me.

I know that.

And I'll tell you something else.

If each and every responsible citizen of the U .S. survey was to shoot one

crook, the crime rate would be cut in half.

Hey, he's got a point there.

You do not have to shoot anybody. All you got to do is hit him, tie him up

this, and then just call the cops.

Oh, sure, and then have a rap to pay his room and board up in Attica or some

other country retreat.

The trick with you liberals is you're soft on criminals and you're hard on the

taxpayer.

Well, I'm with Arch. You got to have a gun.

Yeah, well, I'm with Murray. You got to have a bat.

Yeah, well, I'm with both of them.

How can you be with both of them? Well, I'd hit him over the head, tie him up,

then I'd shoot him.

Ain't it enough to shoot the crook? You gotta be mean to him, too.

Well, I'm against both.

God gave you brains, use them.

Talk to him, reason with him.

It's time to go home, Mr. Vannoy.

See you, sir. Yeah, all right. See you.

See you in the morning.

Good night, Art.

Good night, Murray.

Stop. Yeah, got it. Hey, that's good.

I tell you, I agree with Mr. Van Rensselaer.

Well, let me tell you something, Murray.

Guns don't kill people. I know.

People kill people. Don't give me that bumper sticker stuff. Put the gun down.

ain't going to put it in no place. Go on home, will you? I said I was going to

close it. All right, then put it away. Go on, go on, go on.

When you close up, you do it your way. All right, don't... I close up, I do it

my way. All right,

give me the cash. No, I'm not going to give you the cash. Give me the cash.

You're kidding.

Hand it over. Here you go. You got it. Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to put it in our little, you know, what you call safe back there.

That's all.

Huh? Be careful where you point that.

All right, you.

You're really stupid. I ain't going to do nothing stupid. I know what I'm

Good night. Good night. Good night.

Please.

Oh, uh, I like New York in June.

How about you?

I like engagement too.

How about you?

I like your fireside when a storm is due.

I like potato chips, mulled wine, and mulled wine.

How about you?

I'm mad about good books.

I can't get my spell out.

Give me the goblin's looks.

Give me a thrill.

Holding hands in a movie show.

When all the lights are low.

May not be new.

I like it.

How about you?

Hey, Archie?

It's Murray. I'm back.

Oh, my God.

What the hell is the matter with you?

Oh, gee, what the hell are you doing sneaking back here at 3 o 'clock in the

morning? I didn't sneak back here. I came back because I was worried about

I called you. Didn't you hear me call you? No, I didn't hear nothing.

Look what could have happened to me. I could have killed you.

I would have been the dead one.

Is that really the point, Murray?

Would have been all over for you.

I'd have had to live with that the rest of my life.

Got to my way. I need a drink.

You can pour one for me, too. Look at this. My hand is shaking like a leaf.

I knew you couldn't be trusted with a gun.

That's why I came back.

Oh, well, all right. Drink your drink and go on home again.

Well, I'm not going home.

I'm staying right here.

You're going to be waiting around for some thief. I'm going to make sure that

you don't kill anybody.

Oh, listen, Murray.

If I can take that guy without no...

You know, collect the $2 ,500 reward. I'll do it, see? I don't want to use

here unless I have to. That's exactly my point. I don't want you to be using it

any time. Murray, Murray, let's wait and see what happens, huh?

I don't think we're going to get that Saturday night bandit now.

Oh, we'll get him.

It's Sunday morning.

I don't mind shooting him on a Sunday.

You know something?

You could shoot yourself with that thing.

Oh, I could.

But I ain't gonna.

What the hell do you think I have, a dumbbell?

Don't be giving me that look.

Let me tell you something.

It's very rare that you see me do anything dumb.

That hole in the door is pretty dumb.

I have to get my pants cleaned.

Did you do that?

Oh, no. When I was on the floor when you shot me.

Oh, what the hell?

You were so neat anyway. Why the hell are you always so neat?

Well, it's...

Poor early toiletaining.

Toiletaining?

Toiletaining.

Was your mother changing diapers too much?

Not enough.

You know, that's kind of a disgusting story.

That was my childhood problems.

What was yours?

Getting caught.

At what?

Everything.

Look at this here.

That's a dead soldier here.

You know what you do to dead soldiers?

You take them out of the line.

Help me up.

And the very same to you.

I think we've both had enough to drink.

Oh, I think so.

Well, we can stand a little more.

I think we ought to leave.

That robber's going to come here. I think we ought to be home where we'll be

safe. You made him pass up a $2 ,500 reward on his chest.

Well, you'd do anything for $2 ,500.

Would you?

I wouldn't risk my life for it.

Well, won't you risk it? you like, huh?

What do you think you like with white?

I never put a price on it. Oh, you never put a price on it, huh?

Well, you never put a price on it because

you were very rich.

What the hell do you mean? I was raised rich.

Raised rich.

Well, most Jewish people are raised rich.

What people?

Oh, look at this guy. He's trying to make believe he don't know what I'm

about.

What people? I'll give you a hint.

Starts with a G.

G?

We're Jewish.

Oh, I see.

Well, that makes you a J.

How do you figure?

Absolutely right.

And another thing about Jewish people, see?

Jewish people, you've always had a happy childhood.

I always wondered why I was always such a sad kid.

Were you really honest to God a sad kid?

Yeah.

Well, maybe you ain't Jewish.

You ever think of that?

No, I'm Jewish.

Oh.

And if you're Jewish, then you have a bar mitzvah,

right? That's right.

Then you wasn't sad. What the hell are you complaining about?

I never had no chance when I was 13 years of age to say, now I am a man.

You could have said that any time.

Without a bar mitzvah.

Oh, I know. Well, I mean, I did say it when I was 18. I went up to my old man

that day and I said, hey, Pop.

I am a man.

What did your old man say then?

He hit me with a shovel.

If it's any consolation to you, you're very special to me.

And I think you're a man.

Boy, that's very nice. That ain't no real bomb. Sure it is.

Here's a fountain pen.

What the hell was that? What?

What?

There's a noise out here at the door.

Maybe it's the wind.

Don't jump to confusion.

Check it out.

win, but the next time it could really be somebody, you know.

Where's my rod?

Here, safe in the safe.

Give me my rod.

Oh, no. No.

We're gonna use these, Arch.

Oh, geez, are you silly?

A little hunk of clothes lying there to handle some huge colored guy?

How do you know it's a huge color guy.

All right, all right, I ain't prejudiced. There's a huge Puerto Rican

Come on, come on. Give me the ride.

Good morning.

Did you say that?

No, we did.

Drop the rope.

And the bat.

Just relax.

Holy cow.

What happened?

What does it look like, you doge?

Geez, I'd better call the cops.

Kind of a jerk, are you?

It's so late in the morning, for God's sake. This whole thing is Murray's

Him and his baseball bats.

You're lucky that neither one of us got killed.

The two of you couldn't do a thing, huh?

Well, not against the two that come in here.

Hey, guys.

You wouldn't believe the size of them.

Yeah. I want them packing a big bazooka or something.

Look at here.

And blew that hole right in the door there.

Fortunately,

if nobody says the wrong thing, our bladeless insurance will have to pay for

that.

Oh.

Oh, the safe's gone and the dough withered. Oh, no, the money wasn't in

safe. The money was in...

Marcy's Cigar Bar.

You put the money in the cigar bar? Leave me alone, would you?

Marcy, you know it. Just wouldn't you know it.

A couple of damn fool women go looking for money where it ain't supposed to be.

Women?

You mean you got held up by a couple of women?

All right, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait till the guys hear about this. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You ain't going to say nothing about this to the guys.

Ah, yes, I am.

Oh, listen now, Harry.

Harry. Yeah, Maria.

You like your job, Harry?