Original subtitles

You got a big mouth.

What'd I say?

I told you not to say nothing to Barney about Daddy taking that trip. Gee, he's

touchy on that.

All I said was, if I was engaged to him, I'd go to Cincinnati, too.

Okay, Hank, come on, get off my stool.

Sit on that one.

I want to sit on that one. Why?

Because that's the one I was sitting on when Mother Nature called.

I catch a bit.

Hey, you spill a drop of that your paper at once, guys. Hey, what is it with you

guys?

Hank stole my bar stool.

Why did you vacate the bar stool?

Did you want me to put Mother Nature on hold?

Sit anywhere, will you? After a couple of drinks, your keister won't know the

difference between any of these bar stools.

As it happens, I've been sitting on that very stool for the past ten years, in

case you never noticed.

I never noticed.

I never noticed.

I never noticed.

Ten years on the same bar stool.

What devotion.

Why?

It's my lucky stool.

Oh, come on.

Never mind.

It brings me luck.

Yes, it happens. I was sitting on that very stool when the Mets won the series

in 1969.

Oh, yeah? They ain't won since.

Maybe it is lucky.

He was also sitting there when he got the news that Blanche left him.

That's right.

Hey, that was the luckiest day of my life. Because if she hadn't left, I

would have met Daddy.

Yeah, were you sitting there when Daddy went to Cincinnati?

You're on thin ice, pal.

This is the most ridiculous argument I ever heard of in my whole life. And I

don't want to hear no more about it.

The man says it's his lucky stool. It's his lucky stool. Give him it, huh? He's

a dope.

Go ahead.

Well, I don't care what anybody says.

It is lucky. You're a dope, Barney. And today, a guy needs all a lucky can get.

You're a dope, Barney.

What happened?

Barney's lucky stool gave way.

Oh, I miss everything.

What was that groaning?

Barney's lucky stool gave way. You should have seen it.

It sounded like somebody gave him his bot's hair.

Please, ain't this terrible?

No, it's okay. It wasn't me.

Oh, God.

My stool.

You need some help?

Stay away, stay away.

Don't make no sudden move.

What are you talking about? A sudden move can often help a patient.

Dr. Shapiro is just around the corner. I'll go get him. Hold it there.

The man fell off of a stool, not off of a roof.

Archie is right. Just help me up.

Now listen, buddy, just to play it safe. Now go see a doctor. Our insurance will

cover the tab.

Hold it. Wait.

Insurance? Oh, then you've got to see a specialist.

Hold it!

And while you're there, you get a complete physical. Check out everything.

heart, your lungs. The first thing to check is your lower spine, pal.

Well, gee, as long as the doctor's poking around in that neighborhood, he

as well look at his hemorrhoids.

You pay a doctor enough, he'll look anywhere.

I insist, for legal reasons, go see a doctor. Our insurance will cover the

Hold it!

Look, I'm fine, fellas. All I am is a little sore here, that's all.

Sore? Ha -ha, the tip of the iceberg.

Will you shut up?

All I am saying is that if Barney here can get some fringe benefits, why the

hell not?

You know, I once slipped in a supermarket.

And although my personal body was undamaged, I collected big for pain and

suffering, heartache, trauma, and torn pantyhose.

All right, now, the doctor thing, that's your prompt, huh?

Right, right. There's nothing more to consider. Now, can you get home by

yourself, huh?

Barney, bend over.

Shut up.

Don't tell me to shut up.

Barney. Hey,

you want me to throw this out?

No, you better save that for the insurance adjuster. He might want to

look at it.

Well, I think we ought to make Barney pay for that antique bar stool.

What antique?

That's a piece of junk.

It's the same thing.

You look good, Barney. You got me fooled, and I'm a professional.

I'm not just fooling. This is for real.

The little cane is a nice touch.

Come on, Barney. Quit clowning around, huh?

Who's clowning? I woke up like this this morning.

Boy, getting dressed was murder. And when I shaved, I had to put the mirror

the floor.

Jeez, what a lie.

It's not a lie.

You believe me, don't you, Marty? Yes, I do. Don't be asking, Marty. He don't

know you that well.

I know you for 30 years, and I know every crook of bone in your body.

Yeah? Well, it's a good thing you know him, because you're going to have to pay

for a couple of them.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning. So what can we serve you, huh?

Oh, hi there, Mr. Wolfe. Come on in. This is my lawyer, Mr. Wolfe.

Oh, ho, ho, ho. Your lawyer.

Well, Marty, you're really playing this to the hilt, huh?

You bet.

Mr. Wolf, these are the co -defendants. Mr. Bunker, Mr. Clark.

How do you do, Mr. Wolf?

What do you want?

Well, this won't take long, gentlemen.

As the proctologist said to the Texas division.

I just wanted to have a look at the scene of the accident.

You're standing in it.

I just came from Dr.

Mason's office.

He showed me your x -rays.

What's the matter with me?

Well, it seems that two of your discs have shifted around.

Yeah, well, I'm in plenty of pain.

That's because one of those discs is impinging on a nerve.

You heard Mr. Wolf, Arch.

Yeah, yeah, I heard.

Well, Mr. Wolf, you know what I think? I think that if we shove Barney off

another stool going the other way, that would straighten him right up.

This is hardly a laughing matter, Mr. Bunker.

Cases like this have had long -range effects.

You should see those X -rays.

Tom, I don't like to look at X -rays. They're always negative.

My client may not be able to resume his normal activities for quite some time.

We'll have to rely on your liability coverage to compensate for any damages

may sustain, as well as any material losses proceeding therefrom.

What the hell does all that mean?

That means he's going to shaft the insurance companies.

You've been to law school, Mr. Klein.

Hurry. There's a phone call for you in the office.

Oh, okay. Excuse me for a minute.

Well, so, Mr.

Wolfe, how big a bite did you figure on taking?

Well, of course, there are several factors to be considered.

In cases similar to this, I have known the compensation to be as high as...

$50 ,000?

Oh, holy cow.

Gee, Barney, I guess that really was your lucky stool, huh?

$50 ,000.

Only in America.

Wait a minute,

wait a minute. Yeah, excuse us. What do you want? It's a private matter. Come on

inside.

But we're private here, too. Not private enough. Come on inside.

This is your fault for egging Barney on.

Now they're going to sue our insurance company for $50 ,000 and our rates are

going to zoom to the moon. Our ex -insurance company.

I, our ex -insurance company. We are not covered.

What are you talking about?

Our premiums are paid.

When we built the new extension, we should have taken out a new policy.

No, the accident happened in the old part.

Arch. It's the technicality.

They got it.

Oh, my God.

Maury, why didn't you have brains enough to take out that new policy? Why didn't

you have the brains enough to take out a new policy?

You're the Jewish guy.

Yeah, but I'm hanging around with you.

You don't have to be snotty about it.

You would have wanted Egg Barney on to sue.

No, no, I only told him to go to the doctor, that's all.

Wasn't it you that showed him how to limp? No, Veronica showed him how to

Well, now him and his wolf are going to show the two of us how to limp.

Hey, well, I got to take care of that right now. Who are you going to call?

I'm going to call my Italians.

Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, and sons and nephews.

I got an appointment for the first thing in the morning. Look.

Barney won't sue us now that he knows we're not covered.

Oh, Murray, don't be naive.

Hello,

Archie Bunker here. I want to talk to the boss for Benowitz.

Yeah, Meyer.

You got to fight fire with Meyer.

Yes, I'll hold.

Listen, I know you lawyers charge by the minute, so don't drop the flag till you

got Meyer on the wire.

Why don't we go over to Barney and talk to him intelligently?

How are you going to talk intelligently to a man who falls off of his lucky

stool?

Barney is your best friend. Don't you have any faith in your friends?

No.

And even if I did have, it wouldn't do us no good. Did you see the face of that

wolf out there?

Let me tell you something, Murray.

The only way to defend ourselves against a wolf...

is Winnie Rabinowitz.

Wow, look at you.

Oh, well, it's not polite to stare at unfortunate people.

It's fun, though.

You get more like your Uncle Archie every day.

What do you got in the sack?

Anita said it. She said it would make you feel better.

Oh, thanks.

Do I rub it on my back?

You can if you want to.

Chicken soup.

Can I ask you a question?

Go ahead, shoot.

walk before you fell off that bar stool?

Oh, well, before I fell off the stool, I could... Are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

Boy, it sparks when you try to straighten up.

Wait a minute.

Were you trying to trick me, then?

It was Uncle Archie's idea.

Your Uncle Archie gives me a swift pain.

In the neck?

Yeah, there, too.

unfortunate person.

I hope you feel better.

Oh, thanks, Steph. Bye, Uncle Barty. Bye -bye, bye -bye, sweetheart. Give my

love at home, but only to Aunt Edith.

Hi, Uncle Murray. Hi, sweetheart.

How are you? What are you doing here?

I came on a mission of mercy, but it's over.

You too.

Hi, Bob.

Hiya, Murray. Come on in. Would you like some chicken soup?

Oh, I'd feel fine.

Listen, I want to talk to you, Barney. Sure, what about?

Well, right off the bat, I want you to know that Archie and me are going to be

responsible for any expenses that you incur because of this accident.

You bet.

And then we sock it to your insurance company, right?

Wrong.

Wrong? Right.

Oh,

sure, go right ahead. I'm locked into this.

Barney. Yeah.

Hey.

I want you to know that our old insurance policy doesn't cover this

Now, we're in a bind.

Oh?

Ah, what the hell.

There goes the month in Acapulco.

You're great, but... Sorry.

Listen, forget about all those expenses. I mean, my insurance company will take

care of everything.

Ah, good. And there won't be any loss, sir, right?

Of course not.

What do you take me for?

You know something? I told Archie that he had you pegged all wrong.

You mean that Archie actually thought that I was going to sue you guys, my

friends?

Well, not in so many words. Wait a minute.

My pal Archie of 30 years standing really thought that I was going to take

guys to the cleaners?

I'm afraid so.

Well, he's right.

No, wait. No, no, no, wait.

No, wait, pal.

If he thinks that that's the kind of a guy I am, then maybe that's the kind of

guy I ought to be. Wait a minute, Barney. No, no, it's beyond the wait.

You can tell him from me that I'm going to spit right in his eye when I

straighten up.

I never straighten up. I spit on his shoes.

I don't want to talk to nobody.

Hi, Art. Hi, Mr. Benoit.

Did you see the lawyer?

Yes, I seen the lawyer.

And do you have a case?

Rabinowitz says he'd rather take Barney's case.

How come?

To put him in quotes.

He says the facts favor Barney. He says we're liable because Barney sat on a

faulty stool there.

Of course, if Barney was three sheets to the wind at the time, well, maybe we'd

have something.

So what are we gonna do?

Well, we gotta try a little legal maneuvering. Uh, make up a few lies.

For example?

Well, for example, suppose Barney was half -crocked.

He only had one beer.

You only served him one beer.

I didn't know how many beers he had before he come in here.

Didn't you see him stagger through that door?

I don't remember that.

Try harder.

Now, where was you?

In the kitchen.

That don't help me now, Veronica.

Well, Mr. Van...

Now, you was here, right?

I wouldn't be a good witness, Arch.

In a pinch, you could say that you smelled his breath down there.

He's going to spit on your shoes.

Did you hear that, Mr. Bernard?

What a falling off this here.

Oh, I can guess all the other terrible things he said to you.

Oh, good. I don't have to repeat.

So your snake in the grass bit your bird in your hand.

Well, I was right about Barney all along.

You were wrong about Barney all along.

I knew Barney was going to show all along.

Not at first.

What do you mean, not at first?

Well, I started to thank him, and I let it out.

Let it out?

What the hell is it?

You thought he was rotten enough to sue.

You didn't tell him that. You told him a thing like that? Oh, God.

And all my life, I thought youse people was smart.

This goes to show how dumb youse people are.

Oh, jeez.

Look what's coming in the door with the cane.

Doing his Fred Astaire.

How am I supposed to do now?

Well, for openness, protect your shoes.

Hiya, Murray.

Hi there, Barney. Have you come to pick up your $50 ,000? I don't believe we got

that amount in the drawer.

First of all, Mr. Bunker, I have something to say to you. Oh, Mr.

Bunker, is it? Oh, well, Mr. Heckner, first of all, I got a little something

explain to you.

What? Get out!

I have an answer for that, too.

Robert Tynes, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, and Rabinowitz.

Son and son and nephew.

Who,

by the way, advised us that you might be responsible for this accident over

here, which, if that's true, that is known in the law there as, uh, what is

that? Uh, contributory negligence.

Contributory negligence.

Arch, do you mind if I sit out? Not on the stool, Barney, because your behind

lethal.

A thing that I can't get over and will never get over is how you could dream of

suing me, suing a friend of 30 years standing after all the things I've done

you.

What things?

What things?

What things, yes.

How sharp and in a serving stoot is the ingratitude of a

louse, Nick Kennedy.

Smart things. Murray, leave me talk to him for a minute. Yes.

Smart things.

Who stayed with you tonight to blanch run off with the exterminator?

Who stayed with you tonight to blanch run off with the morning man?

Who stayed with you tonight?

Did Blanche run away with the TV repairman?

You know,

I think I spent more nights with you than Blanche.

And what about your little dog, Rusty? Oh, Rusty! Don't cry, don't cry. Just

listen to me.

When Rusty was laying in the gutter with a little broken body there, who picked

him up and drove him to the hospital after he was run over by a car?

You run over.

Is that really the Perk Bond?

Where the hell was all this? I'm waiving my legal rights.

You waive your legal rights at me and I'll waive this here at you.

Clutso. He's telling us he's not going to sue.

Huh? That's the pretty thing. He's not going to sue it.

all this, Barney. Really, I mean, if any more expenses come up, me and Archie

are going to take care of it.

Well, the only thing I'm not covered for is my lawyer's bill.

And that comes to $180.

Oh, Barney, that's very reasonable.

I think that's very high.

It's high.

That's reasonable, Archie.

All right, all right. Do you mind if I ask Harry a couple of questions here?

Please. All right.

Harry, how much does Barney's box have?

Sixty bucks.

How much did they say it would cost to replace the stool?

Forty bucks.

All right, it's sixty -forty, so that comes to about a hundred and twenty

dollars. A hundred and a hodge.

What's the difference?

Twenty bucks.

So, all right, there's a hundred and eighty dollars there, and minus a

dollars there, so that should come to, what is that money? Write him a check

about sixty -five dollars.

Geez, what more can I do with the man?

Make it up to him.

Make it up. He's your friend.

Let me see you then.

You know, Barney, you complained.

About a $180 legal bill there.

See, you see, when I retired, he's been with us and the rest of them charged us.

Yeah, what was that?

$300.

What?

Your people, Murray.

Well, so anyway, can things be like they always was?

Yeah, like they always was.

But let this be a lesson to you, Arch.

What do you mean?

It's always cheaper to have faith than your own friends.

You see, this guy can't leave well enough alone.

Your people, Arch.