Original subtitles

Here I come. Ready or not.

Not. I haven't finished.

Oh, that's all right.

Oh, watch out. You'll burn your face.

What is this?

Oh, celery and onion and mushrooms and spices.

I mean the brown lumps. Oh, that's liver and gizzards.

Good, and Gloria loves it this way.

Gloria, you're going to send this all the way to California?

No, she's going to eat it here.

I didn't mean to tell you that. Tell me what?

Gloria and Mike and Joey are coming tonight for Thanksgiving.

Let's not tell Uncle Archie because it's a secret.

I won't.

I don't know.

Ain't too good at keeping secrets.

Neither are big girls.

How long are they staying? Oh, I don't know. I guess until Mike finds a new

I did it again.

Another secret, huh?

Please, let's not tell Uncle Archie.

Okay. Uncle Archie said that...

He wasn't.

He wasn't what?

Dressed.

You mean he was naked?

Don't say that.

Why not?

Because I don't want to hear it.

I have a good idea.

Why? Let's not tell Uncle Archie.

Can't you put yourself together?

Why is it that I always miss Blanche most at Thanksgiving?

Because Blanche is a turkey.

I wish I was dead. What a terrible thing to say at Thanksgiving.

You know, there are more suicides during the holidays than at any other time.

Hey, don't encourage him.

Oh, hey, Barney, hey, huh?

No funerals this weekend, will you? All your friends got other plans.

Boy, what a cruel thing to say to your old pal.

I'm only saying, don't do it now. You'll get another chance. Christmas is

coming.

Why is he still crying?

He's doing his Christmas sobbing early.

Hey, Arch, you know, I got no place to go

tomorrow, especially.

Oh, hey, hey, don't give me that, Barney.

Because we're once in a blue moon, we're having a quiet Thanksgiving at home,

and I just eat at the million stepney. You're rotten.

I can't help it.

Why don't you come over here and watch football with me and my girlfriend?

What do you say?

Thanks, Murray.

Barney.

Barney, listen.

After the game, why don't you come over to my house for dinner?

The wife's roasting a goose. She got the recipe from Blanche. Oh, boy.

You know, I really love Blanche's goose.

Blanche's goose is what you got, too.

Don't you know it's red dogs like that ruin Joe, name it?

I thought you was going to

warn her about the danger.

What are you so excited about, huh? You want a sugar high?

Turkey, at least 20 pounds.

20 pounds?

What do you need a big boy like that for? It's only humming you.

What the hell is that?

Oh.

I bet I know who else is coming.

Who?

You went and you invited a few of them disturbos from the who -who hotel you

work at.

I never.

We wouldn't. We would have been eating turkey with rubber spoons.

Why ain't you

two racing for the door?

We're busy.

Something is up here.

Don't tell me not to eat it. If this is one of your relatives from Jersey, I'm

going to open a vein.

Who is it?

My name is Captain Spalding, the African explorer.

Did someone call me Schnora?

Hooray, hooray, hooray.

This is a gala day, and a gala day's enough for any man.

Say the secret word, and you win a free Thanksgiving guest for dinner. It's a

common word. You used to find it around the house all the time.

Meathead? That's the secret word, Oscar.

Congratulations. Hey,

Stephanie. How are you? Nice to see you.

Oh, it's so good to see you. What a surprise.

Wait a minute. Where's Gloria?

Well, she had to stay with little Joe. You can't leave a four -year -old kid

alone. You could have brought her with you.

Gee, why didn't I think of that? Well, it's too late now.

Listen, Ars, do me a favor, will you? My suitcase is on the front porch. Will

you get it for me? Come on, go get your own bag.

Bag? You're talking about the woman I love.

Is that you, Gloria?

You gonna give Grandpa a kiss?

No.

Hey, listen, listen here, Mike. Hey, you gotta train the kid the minute he sees

his grandpa to come up and give him a kiss, you know. I think the child has

hated me too long.

Oh, she loves you. Oh,

Daddy's chair.

Oh, Gloria.

Ma's elephant.

Hello, Mr.

Elephant. And what did Mr. Elephant always say?

Oh,

it's so good to be back.

What a surprise.

What a nice surprise. It's nice to see you. It's really nice to see you.

Hey, ain't that terrific that you can bring your whole family home for

Thanksgiving? You must be getting to be a big shot out there.

Oh, big, very big.

My daddy has a picture in the newspaper. people.

Oh, Daddy, it's so wonderful to see you.

Hey, Mrs., I heard the child say you had your picture in the paper there. Why

don't you send us a clipping?

Well, uh... It wasn't Michael Beth's side.

Yeah,

but I would have recognized him, wouldn't I?

Well, yeah, but, uh, it was a little oversposed.

So, uh...

Good to see you.

My daddy was naked.

This is useless without the knobs.

I can't tune that set without the knobs.

What do you want me to do?

Joey, I can't do nothing unless you give me back the knobs.

Won't you tell Grandpa what you've done with the knobs?

No.

Don't you want Grandpa to watch the football game?

No.

Don't you want to watch the football game? I don't want him watching the

football game.

It's a violent sport.

You know how many kids get serious injuries playing football?

If you want to be a red -blooded American, you've got to get serious

What are you saying? He has to play football?

Well, what do you want to do, take ballet lessons?

If he wants to.

Why not?

Shorts up.

You know what he'll turn into if he does that?

Look at him, with the dog.

He's got one foot in the closet already.

Joey.

Come over here and sit with Daddy.

Give him back his truck.

Don't jump.

Now, a truck.

Now, that's a real tort for a man. Joe, I'm going to talk to you man to man.

Give me back them knobs and that's a direct order.

Did he learn that low habits?

How am I going to punish this kid?

Don't go to his dance recital.

Dinner's almost ready.

Oh, great.

Honey, bring that stuff over here. I'm starving. I haven't eaten a thing all

day.

What?

What about four eggs, a half a pound of bacon, three waffles with cranberry

syrup? Wasn't that breakfast?

I didn't have any toast.

Come on, honey, would you help me?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Joey, why don't you sit here by Grandpa?

I'm going to help Mommy in the kitchen. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Glory,

glory. Please, please, don't make your husband the woman's wife.

I don't mind.

I ain't saying it for you. I'm saying it for the child here. I want to teach him

what a man is.

God, it's a losing battle. He's got the doll again.

Give me the doll. No.

Big bug flying past there. Give me that.

Arch, what is a man anyway?

Someone who sits in a chair all day while his wife's in the kitchen slaving?

a man can help his wife in the kitchen now and then, but not on special

traditionary days like Thanksgiving.

He's only going to help me carry out the turkey.

But that's the whole point of the thing there, little dummy. That's woman's

wife.

You'll line up with your little mama, huh?

Thanksgiving is a holiday for women, too.

Oh, come on. I know that.

I'm only saying a woman's supposed to celebrate it by putting a meal on the

table. They're all by themselves.

Oh?

Oh, yeah.

Don't you know nothing about the history of your country, the history of

Thanksgiving, about the first turkey?

Yeah, they told it in school.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you the real story.

When the Pilgrim Fathers, when they seen the first Thanksgiving coming up on the

calendar, you know, they said we ought to have something special to eat.

So, they sent this guy, Miles Sandwich, out there.

And he was the guy to bring back the turkey.

Now, he first wanted a buffalo. See, but the buffaloes all went west.

And then he would have went with a horse.

But a horse is too fast. He couldn't catch a horse.

And then he would have picked some other bird, but then all the other birds,

they could fly.

So he looked around him. He seen a turkey standing there.

Turkey couldn't run. Turkey couldn't fly.

So he said, well, we'll eat this dumbbell.

So he grabbed a hold of the turkey, strangled it, Brung it home to the

they done the rest.

Did they stuff it with gizzards?

No, as I recall, they used corn, because corn let them know when the turkey was

cooked. How?

Well, see, the corn swells up, then it explodes, blows the rear end out of the

bird.

Now, before we begin, before we begin, now, we hold everybody's attention. Now,

before everybody digs in here, I mean, don't you think we all ought to say

thanksgiving, what we're thankful for?

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

Well, if it's such a good idea, why don't you open your mouth?

Oh, oh, sure.

Well, I'm thankful that the whole family is together.

Now, Steffi, you tell.

I'm thankful for Aunt Edith and Uncle Archie.

And Daddy.

Get a dollar for that.

Now it's your turn, Archie.

Well, I was going to say, Edith, just what you said, but then you just said

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, you always got to jump in so fast.

All I can add to that is that I'm glad they got here safe and I didn't have to

spring for the airfares.

Now, Gloria, how about you?

Well, I'm thankful that we could all spend Thanksgiving together and that

having such a good time with his grandpa.

Aren't you, Joe?

No.

That's my boy.

Let's see.

Wait!

Just a minute, Edith. Just a minute. We ain't hurting everybody yet.

What about you there, thankless?

Ain't you got nothing to be thankful for?

Yeah. I'm thankful for Ma being such a terrific cook.

Oh, hi. You're welcome.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We know that.

But ain't you going to give thanks to, you know, where all this come from?

The bedroom.

He knows damn well I want him to say God.

Come on, Daddy. Why don't you give up? No, no, no, no.

If he ain't going to give the proper thanks to God, then I'll give it for

But let me tell you something. This guy here's got a hell of a lot to be

thankful for, damn it.

Language.

Not just language. A lot of other things.

A whole lot to be thankful for. Look at him.

Got a beautiful little house out there in Santa Barbara with a lovely little

outside patio.

Daddy, please, can't we eat?

Please, Daddy, ain't you grateful that he's got such a wonderful, steady, good

-paying job?

Oh, did

I say something here?

What is it? Do you know what I said?

Do you know what I said?

Do you know what? No, you don't know nothing. Yes, I do.

Why? I can't tell you.

You ain't getting a dollar.

Eden, Eden, Eden, what is she crying for? All I said was that her husband had

wonderful good pain.

Maybe he ain't got that wonderful job no more.

Maybe he lost it.

I was fired, Arch.

I knew it the minute he walked in the door.

Archie, please let me. That's how he's getting old. Ada, Ada, Ada, don't get

excited here, will you? Don't get excited. It ain't the end of the world.

lost his job.

I ain't worried about that. Hey, me, I know what's been going on in California.

I read the papers, eh?

I know a lot of teachers from the fire.

It's all because of this guy Herbert H. Jarvis in Preparation 13.

That's all.

But it ain't his fault. It ain't your fault.

You'll get another good -paying job as a teacher soon.

Come on, come on.

It's just one thing. Just one thing before you start.

I ain't going to hold you. I just want to know.

Is that the reason you got fired?

The Jarvis thing?

Well, I... You see a pull on his ear there?

Nothing's corrupted about that.

Is that the reason?

You ain't going to tell me, huh?

Well, if you ain't going to tell me, then you tell me.

All right,

one hunk of turkey or one dribble of gravy is going to pass one lip here till

get to the bottom of this. Oh, you're acting ridiculous.

Don't stop crying, Edith. I'm going to throw this tray at the elephant.

All right, go on. Put the fight back on the tray. And then get your hands full.

I'll just stab you right in the back of the head.

It's all right.

It does now.

Anyway, here's where these things hide a father.

Edith, sit down. Sit down.

We ain't going to go out with this dinner.

till I get to the bottom of this whole thing.

Daffy, would you please take Joey upstairs and play? We ain't gonna eat

Come on, Joey.

They're gonna yell at each other.

I think the children should hear this if it's terrible.

All right, now, I want to hear the real reason that you was fired.

So, come on, get.

Well... Don't tell him.

Why not?

I was fired because... Ow!

Did you kick me?

I was fired because I took part in a protest march against nuclear energy,

was... Ow!

Ow!

How did you do that?

I'm sorry, Ma. I didn't mean to do that. I meant to do this.

Ow!

Just a minute. Just a minute. Now we're...

Coming up on this thing here, Edie, now just a minute.

The whole world is parading against nuclear energy and nobody gives a damn.

They didn't care, you just for that.

If you must know, they wanted to build a nuclear power plant on the site of a

nude beach and I joined the protest march in the nude.

Okay.

Thank you