Original subtitles

Ain't this ridiculous now, huh?

Me, serving you your breakfast.

Just for today, Auntie. This goes back on late time tomorrow.

I know all about it. She'll be spending all her time with us. You know, we're a

little bit more important than the loonies at that hoo -hoo hotel she works

No, we're not.

Yes, we are.

Anyway, you and I can take care of ourselves.

Oh, yeah?

Then how come I gotta take care of you?

You don't.

Then how come I'm serving you cereal?

Because you wouldn't let me serve myself some pie.

Because I don't want you to turn out like the aunts over in Jersey.

With a pinhead on top, flat feet on the bottom, and a balloon in the middle.

Who's gonna marry you if you look like that?

Now, when you're finished there, take all the dishes.

And put them in the sink. Because I want to tell you something, kiddo. That's

the work that women does best.

Housework. And having the babies, right?

Hey, hey. I don't want to hear that kind of talk from you.

The babies come by way of Mr. Stork.

Don't give me that look.

Ain't you never seen them lovely little diaper ads in the magazines?

You know? With the stork flying along delivering a baby.

Like this here, and he stops right over in the expectorant house, opens his kiss

ring, drops the baby right down the chin.

You don't really want me to believe that, do you?

Yes, I do.

Until you get to high school.

And then God help us.

The toast is burnt.

Oh, right.

You got the scrapings in my cereal.

Dribble a little milk over them. They'll sink out of sight.

I'm not hungry. Well, I don't care if you're hungry or not. Now, eat, eat.

Hit the door.

What happens to eat, eat?

You can eat, eat after you get the door, door. Hurry up.

What brings you out so early? Listen, we've got an important business problem

talk over. I thought I'd come by and have a cup of coffee with you. Well, I

drunk it all.

Oh, we've got a bowl of farina. No, no. The farina was yours.

Now get it down. You hurry up. You'll be late for school.

Edith's gone to work already?

Can you believe it? It's 7 a .m. this morning.

She went to take a busload of head cases for an afternoon spin.

Afternoon spin in the morning?

Sure, the nuts don't know what time it is.

They take them all around. They bring them home for lunch and collect them.

Then they shove them all in bed and hope they sleep for a day now.

Will you hurry up, eat faster, faster?

Don't tell her that, Arch. It's bad for digestion.

That's slower, baby, slower.

Come on. Now, will you, can't you tell she's stalling here? She's trying to

herself late for arithmetic.

Well, we say girls don't need that anyway.

Well, they don't, but I don't need no more nasty notes from your teacher.

Why do you give me if I eat this?

Tell you what.

This afternoon, I'll give you a nice piece of Boston cream pie if you eat

slop now.

Is the worst thing you can do to bribe a child? Not if the child is a girl.

She knows where it's at.

Listen, Arch, we're going to have a visitor today. Somebody from the state

department. We have to answer a couple of questions.

Wait a minute, Marie.

Don't you know it's a crime to leave food in your bowl while there's hungry

people in this world?

Why don't we just send this to them?

We have not been following the regulations. Could you pack my lunch?

It's in the kitchen.

Archie, we've got a tax problem.

Oh, my.

Listen, please. I don't want to talk about taxes till tax time.

Why is there only one Twinkie in here?

Of course, I've got to live, too, don't I?

Remember your teeth.

What about his teeth?

Too late for his teeth.

Where's your galoshes? I threw them at a boy and he kept them.

Remember what I told you, see?

If anybody speaks to you in the street, scream.

Have a nice day at school.

See you at the saloon.

Some cute kid, huh?

Yeah.

Now, about those taxes. Come on, will you, Murray? Don't bother me about that.

The taxes are under control.

The taxes are in a mess.

What the hell are you talking about?

I am talking about this.

Here. This.

Well, what is it? That's the failed tax notice that I was telling you about. Oh,

look at this. This letter's over two months old. That was a final warning.

didn't you answer it?

Because if you answer them tax people, they'll keep on writing to you.

Listen, let me explain something here. I want to try and not get excited. Look.

We do our sales tax usually in December, see?

And that's all in the hands of our accountant, Numbers Maloney.

Numbers Maloney?

His name is Joseph. There we give him the nickname of Numbers.

Because he plays them or wears them?

Murray, don't be a smart guy, will you?

Numbers Maloney happens to be a genius with figures.

Now, I'm only trying to tell you, all you got to do is get all your papers

together. I mean, your bills and your receipts, your memos, your tabs, there,

the tapes from the register.

And any other little piece of paper you find laying on the bar or on the floor.

You sweep it all up, you put it in a big shopping bag, you take it over once a

year at the Numbers Maloney in Long Island City, and that's that.

That is not that. Sales taxes are due and payable quarterly.

Oh, come on, let me get out of here. No, wait a minute. Just wait a minute now.

Here, wait a minute.

Here. What is that?

Buff.

That ain't buff.

That's B -O -F -F.

All right, then what is B -O -F -F?

Barney owes 45.

Here, look at this. Explain this to me. Here, three circles, one with a cross in

it. What does that mean?

Well, that's easy.

I ordered three barrels of beer and only two of them come, so I crossed out the

other one. Geez, a dummy can think about that.

That's right, because the dummy wrote it.

Listen, buddy.

You're the dummy. Because you're messing with the things that you don't know

nothing about. You not only tell me about the business, you try to tell me

to feed my little niece, what do you call her? Stephanie.

I didn't ask you for that information. You see, you're a bigger pain in the

to me than the trap down at German's Gimmy.

And you ain't even supposed to be here. Where's the legal paper you were

supposed to have drew up so I could buy you out? Where is that?

Papers don't buy me out. $30 ,000 might.

How much?

I said $30 ,000 might buy me out.

What the hell are you talking? $30 ,000? You only put in 24.

The dollar went down.

But why should I take a fall for that?

Why should I?

Because you was the one who wanted to put your money in here.

Yeah, but now you're the one who wants me to take it out.

Well, no, I just want you to take yourself out.

Oh. Oh, I see. You want me to leave the money in here.

But that was your whole idea in the first place.

Geez, Harry, give me a cup of coffee.

Archie, if I went out that door, you'd be out of business in 20 minutes. You

have no idea of your inventory. You have no sales records, no books. And

whenever you don't understand something, you scrape it under the rug. And now

the state of New York is going to send us an investigator.

And how do you like that?

Do I look worried? Of course not. You've got to have brains to look worried.

You heard him insult me there, didn't you? I heard him. Well, that's the last

time you're going to hear him do that. Oh, no, it isn't. You've got a lot

your way, brother. Oh, I ain't got no more of that.

You're supposed to help me with that mess in there. Where the hell do you

you're going? None of your damn business.

But I'll tell you this.

One way or the other, I'm going to get rid of you.

Bah.

Murray.

What's going on with you two?

Oh, I don't know. It's my fault.

I pushed him too far when I suggested he wasn't too bright.

Jeez, you'd think he'd be used to that.

What's he gonna do? I don't know. I don't know. But whatever it is, it's

be stupid.

What did he do with January?

Couldn't leave for January.

Yeah, listen, Harry, do me a favor. From now on, see that I get all the takes

from the cash register.

I like them dated and put together. Can you do that? You got him. Okay.

Good morning.

Oh, sorry, lady. We ain't open yet. But we will be in about an hour. I'm not a

customer. I'm here on business.

Is either of you Archie Bunker?

No. Thank God.

I'm Miss Bradshaw, the compliance representative for the New York State

Department.

How do you do?

I'm Murray Klein.

I'm Archie Bunker's partner.

So the tax board sent you. Yes. Interesting.

What's it all about?

Well, I'm here to review your gross sales records for the past 12 months.

Gross sales records.

Are these a they?

Well, these are some of them.

Thank you. Here you go.

Right there?

Mind if I smoke?

Yes.

Well.

Well, well, well.

You know, it's hard to imagine that the dreary state of New York would send such

an attractive representative.

I must remind you, Mr. Klein.

Um, Marie.

Mr. Klein, that I am here strictly on business.

Of course you are, my dear.

Miss Bradshaw.

Miss Bradshaw.

My dear.

Strictly brewed.

Can I get you a drink?

No, I never drink on the job.

Oh, come on. Just one little one, huh? Something light, a little... I don't

know, removed cathedral. Look, I am here to investigate this saloon, Mr. Klein.

Now, what you're suggesting could be considered a bribe. You could go to

Yes, I know, but you know, in spite of the risk, in spite of the risk...

Something that I have to tell you about yourself.

No, it won't work, Mr. Klein.

You see, what we have here is a serious tax delinquency.

I just want to say just one thing. Just one.

And it's about your eyes.

Mr. Klein.

I know you've heard this story from a hundred phonies. I know that you're here

on official business. But this is just one little thing. Mr.

Klein. Just one thing. One.

And then we'll go back to business.

What do you say?

Okay, Mr. Klein, go ahead.

My, uh, eyes.

Uh, hiya there, sis. I want to see Levy to hold.

Are you a client?

Do I look stupid?

Answer my question or answer yours.

No, I ain't a client. My partner, Murray Klein, is a client.

I have to make an appointment.

I can't do that. I gotta see him now.

The council's tied up.

The council? Oh, whoop -dee -doo. Is that what you call an ambulance chasing

shyster in the air?

The man is a disgrace.

An innocent guy like you, he shouldn't even be working here.

Why don't you quit?

I'm his wife.

Oh, oh. Well, I'm sorry.

Well, at least you deserve a raise.

I got one.

What's your name?

Bunker.

A Mr. Bunker wants to talk to you.

Put him on hold.

Unfortunately, he's not on the phone.

He's here in Payson.

Thank you very much.

Go on.

Levy, I gotta talk to you right away.

Look, I gotta put you on hold.

I make it, Matthew Bunker. I got clients on hold here.

What about them papers you're supposed to be working on?

What papers?

The papers that Murray Klein called you up about about six weeks ago.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on, Levy. You must have heard from him unless you didn't get the message

from your little wife.

Oh, you noticed my wife, huh? Huh? Is that a winner? Yeah, all right. Forget

your wife. I can't.

We've been married for two weeks.

Two weeks.

Look at this woman, will you?

This is how she looked when I met her.

You run her up in this year's Miss Keep Coney Island Clean Beauty Contest?

Yes, you should have won, but it was definitely a fix.

Come on, the head judge was doing something with the winner.

Looks like you was doing something with the loser.

Yeah.

Lover,

wait. When Klein called you all them weeks ago... Klein never called me.

He never called you?

Never.

Are you sure of that?

Absolutely.

Maybe he called and you never took the call.

Sooner or later, I take all of my calls.

To me, every blinking button is the heartbeat of a person.

What is Ruby Klein trying to pull on me? What are you talking about?

Why does he want to stay with me? Why does he want to come with me in the

place? Maybe he likes you.

Likes me? Impossible.

I agree with you.

Listen, baby.

All I want from you is a paper.

whereby I buy him out, see, on a loan of, say, 25 or 30 years, and your

bank interest is, say, three and a quarter percent.

Because I ain't no good for him, and he sure ain't no good for me.

So you draw up them papers, and fast.

And get them over to the saloon as soon as you can.

Because if you don't, I'm warning, there's libel to be a murder.

Murder? What murder?

Oh, you'll find out. For once, the cops will be arresting a white guy.

And I can't thank you enough for making order out of chaos.

Murray.

Yes, Eleanor?

You and your partner ought to be in jail.

No, I couldn't stand not being able to see you for 30 days or so.

Five years or so.

Eleanor.

Yes, Murray.

I know that the bookkeeping up to now has been, well, shall we say,

disappointing.

Let's say criminal.

No, don't say that.

And it can't go on, Murray.

Oh, it won't.

won't I swear to you, Eleanor. From now on, everything will be perfectly in

order, on time, paid in full.

Murray?

Yes, darling?

Let me have my finger back. I want to point to something.

Close, darling.

What?

That.

$1 ,650.

When is the sovereign state of New York going to see this amount?

Well, when I go into town to pick up our theater tickets, I'll bring a certified

check over to your office.

I'm not going to be in my office this afternoon.

Your apartment?

100 East 57th Street, 7B.

Fifty -seven.

Seven, dear.

I can be there at eight.

I can be there at seven.

I just want to show you that I'm interested.

Okay.

Show me.

What if I, uh... I mean, be so bold as going on in here?

What are you doing, socializing? You should be sitting here doctoring up the

books.

My partner is a great kidder.

Archie Bunker, Miss Bradshaw from the New York State Tax Department.

Oh, Marty.

Miss Bradshaw from the New York State Tax Department.

Uh,

I, could I get the drink?

Oh, no, thank you, Mr. Bunker.

I've already had my three martini lunch.

Oh, well, I hope it was on us.

Oh, no, Mr. Bunker, on me.

Couldn't you even spring for that?

It's not done that way.

Mr. Bunker, you have a very charming partner.

Oh, no.

Uh, I hope you don't mind, but his charms don't ring no bells for me.

Well, if you don't want to give him credit for his charm, you could at least

give him credit for keeping you out of jail.

Well, uh, what do you mean by that, Miss What -He -Called?

Bradshaw.

Bradshaw. You don't know how close you came to losing your license.

An indictment would have followed.

You could have been closed down for, oh, a year or two, awaiting your trial. You

see, the penalty for fraud is a very heavy fine.

Or five years in jail.

Or both.

Goodbye, Mr. Bunker. Oh, goodbye there, Mr. Whitehall. It was very nice to...

Uh, could we get you another olive?

What

happened?

Harry, I'm gonna have another martini.

Wait a minute, don't be walking away from me here. What happened?

She is going to accept the delinquent payment instead of turning our case over

to the state attorney.

You should have seen Murray operate, Arch.

Oh, yeah?

What the hell did he do?

I wouldn't know, but the lady come in like a lion, went out like a lamb.

Listen, whether I stay here or I lend you money to buy me out, I am going to

protect my investment.

Now, you're good, Arch, but you're not good enough to run this saloon from the

slammer.

Oh, well, uh... Well, I guess you're done pretty good here, partner.

Oh, thanks.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to run down to the bank.

I got a couple of things to attend to. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, go ahead, go

You don't have to rush back, neither, you know. Take the afternoon off.

In fact, you can take the whole rest of the day off, you know.

I'll be on duty tonight.

So will I.