Original subtitles

- Ahh. Man, I love our little baby so much.

- She is the perfect combination of me and you.

She's got my cherrywood helm

And your 50-gallon waste capacity.

- [sighs] the only thing we need to figure out

Is who's the captain. - Oh, that's easy.

I'm already a captain. - [chuckles] no, I'm the chief.

- There's no chiefs in the nautical world,

Only captains, and I'm a captain.

- Well, not on this boat, you're not.

- Hey, guys.

- Mickleberry, who's the captain on this boat?

- You are, captain. - Thank you.

- [grumbles]

- Here's your morning milk, chief.

- Thank you, mickleberry. Ah, okay.

Ha. Cheers.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Ahh. Delicious.

Get one for yourself, mickleberry.

- No, thanks. I don't like milk.

- Ooh.

- Mickleberry, I do not like a man

Who does not drink milk.

It develops strong teeth and bones.

- I'll try harder, chief. - That'll be all, mickleberry.

- Aye, aye, captain. - Ooh, "aye, aye, captain."

I like that. - It's silly.

I'm so much more nautical than you.

- Bullshit.

- You think you have more nautical knowledge than me?

- How about knot tying?

- I would crush you at knot tying.

- Fine. Knot for knot.

Okay, let's do it. Your funeral.

Bowline. - Bowline.

Give me a break over here with the bowline.

- It's an easy one. - Huh?

[laughs] - "knot" bad.

- French bowline. - French bowline?

Okay, I learned how to tie this when I was a child.

Voilà. - That was an easy one.

- Carrick bend. - Oh, carrick bend. Really?

- I'm giving you entry-level knots.

- Carrick bend. [laughs]

Huh? [chuckles] all right.

Jury mast knot.

- I could do this one in my sleep.

Matter of fact... [snores]

Jury mast knot.

Sheepshank. - Huh?

[laughs] halyard.

- Halyard.

Double constrictor knot. - [chuckles]

What's a double constrictor knot?

- It's the one I tied around your feet

While you weren't looking.

- What the hell-- eddie, how'd you do that?

- It's a great knot.

The more you struggle, the tighter it gets.

- Okay, all right, let me out of this.

- I'm the captain now. [laughs]

Hey, swabbie, stow these ropes. This boat is a disaster area.

- Eddie, eddie, come back here!

It's getting tighter! Eddie!

Is this one of your crazy sex knots?

Eddie!

[foreigner's "hot blooded"]

- ♪ well, I'm hot-blooded

♪ check it and see

♪ I got a fever of 103

♪ I'm hot-blooded

- Okay, everyone, it's one of those times of the year

Where we get to do something special,

The annual tacoma fd blood drive.

- All right, yeah! - Yeah!

- As always, we've partnered with tacoma memorial hospital.

We'll do our outreach to the public,

And, of course, we'll all donate blood.

- I don't like giving blood. - Why not?

- I have hard-to-find veins.

The nurses can never find them,

So they dig around in there, and it's painful.

- Don't worry, kid. I'm a licensed phlebotomist.

- Gesundheit. [chuckles]

- Hey, you're donating, okay?

Everyone's blood is important,

Even if it's not as sweet as mine.

O-negative, kid, the universal donor--

I can save anyone's live.

- Well, I'm ab-positive,

Which means I'm the universal receiver,

Which means I can take it from anyone.

- [laughs]

- I'm the most uplifting blood type,

B-positive. Get it?

- Yeah. Okay, anyway, we're gonna get the word out

To as many people as we possibly can,

And, of course, this year, we will also be shooting

Our traditional promo video. - Ooh, I love that one.

- Before we go-- [chuckles] excuse me--

I have one last announcement to make.

- Why are you pushing me out of the way?

- It's my podium. [clears throat]

Uh, for this year's blood drive, we will be teaming up

With the tacoma police department.

- What? - Chief, no, why?

- That's a horrible idea.

- We're calling it badge buddies.

- Hold on, hold on a second. - See that? Huh?

- Chief, chief, chief, the blood drive is my event, okay?

We're not doing it with the police.

Right, guys? - It's our thing.

- Yeah. - We hate those guys.

- Listen, I've already pitched tacoma memorial,

And they love the idea.

First responders banding together for a good cause, huh?

[chuckles] come on.

I know we're supposed to hate the cops,

But, listen, if we combine their social-media outreach

With the natural love people have for firefighters,

It's really gonna move the needle.

[laughs] - "move the needle."

- Huh? Huh?

He gets me. This kid gets me.

- Yeah. - Right?

- Good for you, kid.

Listen, let's not let bad blood

Get in the way of collecting good blood, okay?

Carry on.

- You got to stop this, man.

- The only reason he's doing this

Is 'cause of his new friendship with polonsky.

- I know-- look, I've always said,

There's no reason to make new friends after 40.

Nothing good comes from it,

But the most important thing is the blood drive,

And if this brings more people to it,

That's a good thing, okay?

So let's be positive. - Which is the best blood type.

- [chuckles] nah.

They dump that shit down the drain, probie.

Okay, everyone, get back to work.

[laughing evilly]

[imitating dracula] I have come to suck your blood.

[laughs evilly]

- That's okay, dracula, as long as you come

To the tacoma fd and pd blood drive.

- That's right.

This year's theme is badge buddies.

Hi, I'm jerry. - I'm terry.

- And I am scary.

[laughs evilly] - that doesn't rhyme at all.

- [normal voice] what? Of course it rhymes.

- Not at all. - Yeah--

- Cut. - Hey, no.

Mickleberry, don't you dare cut.

Only I call cut. And now cut.

- And cut.

- What do you mean doesn't rhyme?

- "erry" and "ary" are two completely different sounds.

- Yeah, combined with your accent,

It kind of hits my ear funny.

- I'm also wondering what you're even doing here.

Should you even be in this scene?

- Guy, we've been doing the dracula bit for years,

And it kills. - The theme is badge buddies.

Terry has a badge, jerry has a badge,

Dracula, no badge.

And I'm wondering why dracula's even out during daytime.

- Who says it's daytime?

- Because I wear sweatpants at night.

- [gasps] hey, I wear sweatpants at night, too.

We have so much in common. [imitating dracula] it's scary.

[laughs] you know what?

Now that I hear it, "scary" does not rhyme

With terry or jerry. - Yes, it does.

It's a slant rhyme. - Mm...

- I say we 86 eddie munster.

- [laughing] eddie munster.

- I say we 86 the redhead.

Their kind can't donate blood anyway.

They're all anemic.

- You know what? Jerry's right.

We should just stick to the guys

Who are in charge of their stations.

You want to go collab? - I think we should.

- Stand by, mickleberry. We'll be back.

- Do you have a room that only fits two people?

- Yeah, yeah, my office.

Come on. - Perfect.

- Cap, I admire how self-assured you are.

Must be tough seeing polonsky moving in on your best friend.

Nobody should be making friends after 40.

- Yeah, I need to do something about that.

- You need to be a psycho bitch.

- Ooh, good idea, mickleberry.

I'm gonna break up that friendship.

[laughing evilly] - cap, where'd you go?

Cap?

[upbeat rock music]

- Morning, dipshits.

[door closes] your saviors have arrived.

Uh, apparently you guys are too stupid

To do a blood drive on your own?

- Dude, the only reason you're here

Is 'cause people don't like cops

And you need our reputation to pad your numbers.

- What do you call this setup, by the way, town dump?

'cause it, uh, sure looks like you took a big, fat one.

- If you don't like it, you can leave.

- Lucy, please...

Don't make this any more complicated than it already is,

Given the history of our romantic relationship.

- The only reason we got engaged

Is because you lost your mind on edibles

And I had to talk you down.

- You took a big, fat, hard piss on my heart.

- [laughs] you pissed on him?

- Oh, is that funny?

Ever had your heart broken, crystal?

- I just thought we were all, like, having fun

And she was telling a joke.

I didn't know that you were not joking.

- I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy,

And make no mistake-- you are my worst enemy.

- And now we're gonna piss on you

During this blood drive. - That's gross.

- We'll collect way more blood, bitches.

- Yeah, right. You want to bet?

- Let's go. - Whoa, whoa.

Chief said keep it friendly. - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm being friendly. I'm talking about a bet.

Just a straight-up bet. - As in no competition.

- Not a competition, granny, a bet.

- What's the point of doing a blood drive together

If it's not a competition?

- To maybe donate a lot of blood.

- Besides that, fool?

- How about whoever collects the most blood

Wins $100. - Oh.

- [chuckles]

Why don't we make it 200? - Yeah.

- Let's put some real skin in the game.

- You had me at skin. - Losing team...

- Marries you?

- Has to get the winning team's insignia

Tattooed on their back.

- A real tattoo? - Yeah, no, real tattoo.

- No problem at all. - Let's go.

I don't give a shit.

I'll get a tattoo of a dick on my chest.

- I'll get a chest tattoo on my dick.

- Okay, fine.

Whoever has the most blood

By 6:00 p.M. Close of business is the winner.

- It's on. - Huh.

- [chuckles] - boom.

- Yeah, boom. - Boom.

- Boom. - Oh.

- It's looking really good.

Mm. - Ooh!

- 'cause this is way more than a recovery area.

This is the chill zone.

- Chill zone! - Oh, whatever.

- This right here is where we're getting all the blood.

- We'll see about that. - Fresh-baked cookies.

- Nice.

- That's what I'm talking about.

- Oh, yeah.

That ought to clinch it. [laughs]

Except we also have fresh cookies.

- Yeah, did you get 'em from the gas station?

- Got 'em at the dollar store.

- Fresh steaks hot off the grill

For those looking to replenish their red blood cells.

- Okay, you know what? This is bullshit.

You have home field advantage. - You're bullshit.

- Wait, what'd you say? Say it to my face.

- He said, "you're bullshit."

- [gasps] - you're bullshit.

I bet your steaks aren't even organic.

- Bullshit! - That's bullshit!

- You're bullshit!

- It's nice to see once-bitter rivals team up

For a good cause. - Yeah.

Reminds me of that youtube video

With the cat breastfeeding the orphan puppy.

That one made me cry. - Aw. Me too, teared up.

- [laughs] right?

- You people ready to do this? Let's go.

[all cheering] - all right, captain, hit it.

Ooh, look at this, huh? Good turnout, guys.

- Oh, yeah.

- [chuckles] we got this in the bag--trust me.

We've rescued half these people.

- Morning, folks.

If you're here to donate for the police, go to your left.

If you're here to donate to the firefighters,

Go to your right. [laughs]

Oh, and be sure to check out the firefighter chill zone.

It's where you want to be. - Chill zone!

What the hell? - Huh?

- Oh, you know what it might be?

That speed trap around the corner I set up.

In the spirit of saving lives, I told everybody

I wouldn't give 'em tickets if they bled for the blue.

- You're repulsive. - Oh, please.

We do so much worse.

- Hey, that's a pretty good-looking boat

You got out there. - Oh, thank you very much.

Hey, you should come fishing

With me and eddie when we launch it.

- I would love to go fishing with you.

- Does this friendship piss you off?

- Yeah, no one over 40

Should be making new friends. - That's what I said.

- You know what? To pay you back,

Why don't you come to an mls game with me?

- Major league soccer? - Minor league soccer.

Tacoma terriers. I got season tickets.

- There's no way terry goes. He hates soccer.

- I love soccer. - How could you not?

It's the world sport. - Come look at my boat.

- Yeah, let's check it out. - Okay.

I need that relationship over. - I'm with you.

- You and me as a team? - One time only.

- Secret bedfellows.

I'm so sorry.

I hope that wasn't inappropriate.

- Not at all.

[upbeat rock music]

- [sighs] - that was weird.

- You're telling me.

So what's the plan to break up our bosses?

- That's easy-- "sabatage."

- Are you trying to say sabotage?

- No, I don't say sabotage. You say sabotage.

I say "sabatage."

- Well, it's completely made up,

Like the orgasm I faked.

- Eh, that's your business.

Let's trade intel on our bosses' weaknesses

And use it against 'em.

It's the type of stratagem I'd garner

From sun tzu's "the art of war"

If I had the discipline to read it.

- Okay. So what's your dirt?

- Terry's only got one testicle.

- So do you.

- That's true, but this isn't about me.

- Jerry's parents are cousins.

- Terry's got an abnormally long ass crack.

- Jerry's parents aren't cousins--they're siblings.

- Mm, none of these things will break 'em up.

We need something better. [sighs]

- Jerry hates milk. - I'm listening.

- And he doesn't like boats.

- Okay, I can work with these things.

- What are you guys doing in my bed?

- We're napping.

We got tired from donating blood.

Have you donated blood yet? - I have hard-to-find veins.

- Go give blood, mickleberry. - Yes, sir.

- Ooh. [chuckles] - wow.

That was scary and exciting. - I know.

My heart's racing. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Should we, uh... - Yes.

Now! - Okay.

- Right now!

- Oh, sir, when you donate

In the name of the fire department,

You receive a free car-seat inspection

And a smoke detector.

- Everyone's got a smoke detector,

But what everybody doesn't have is a license-plate frame

That prevents cops from pulling you over.

Yeah, you know which way you got to go, pal.

[chuckles]

- You're a foul human being.

- Oh, please. We do so much worse.

[laughter]

- This is great. - Hey, fellas.

Anyone in the mood for some nice cold milk?

- Ooh, always. Thank you. [chuckles]

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Ahh. Delicious.

Jerry. - No, thanks.

- Why not? - Oh, I'm lactose intolerant.

I used to love it as a kid, but I don't drink it anymore.

- [breathes deeply]

You know what? That's okay. Huh?

We'll get through it together. Oh, you know what?

Why don't you get him a glass of oat milk?

You like oat milk? - Uh, never had it, but sure.

I'd love to try some. - Three glasses of oat milk.

Get one for yourself. - Ha ha.

- Mm-hmm. - [chuckles]

Hey, you want to see my boat again?

- I would love to. - Let's do it.

- All right, relax, squeeze the ball.

- I'm scared. I changed my mind.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Man, it's okay, all right? I'm a pro.

- I'm telling you, they can never find my veins.

- I used to do this in the shit.

Okay? - You know what--

- Hey, listen, man, we all made a bet, all right?

Look at me. You got to do your part, too.

- You made the bet! - We all made the bet!

- Ah! - Relax, bro.

Look, he's done this in-- - you missed it!

- It's okay, it's fine. - There's no blood!

- It's okay, it's okay. All I have to do is nick it.

- [groans] I thought you were licensed to do this.

[groaning]

- Oh, you know what the problem is?

I'm so used to explosions and gunfire going off

Around me while I do this, so it's just a mental thing.

- [imitating gunfire] granny, look out!

It's a sniper!

[imitating gunfire] - that's not it!

- I got it! I got it! - [screams]

- See, you're fine.

- I am not getting another tattoo.

Bleed his ass dry.

- I'm gonna have to work you a little more, okay?

- [screaming]

- Sweet dreams, buddy.

- Ah, what up, cookies?

Don't you look "noice"?

Hmm.

[sniffing]

Ahh.

- Hey, guys, just baked some fresh cookies

For the chill zone.

- Well, apparently you hate being on a boat with me.

- What are you talking about?

Terry is a nightmare on a boat.

He's got balance. He gets seasick.

He can't drive it.

In short, he sucks on the ocean.

That was taken out of context.

Mcconky's boat personality is a hideous mix

Of arrogance and stupidity.

That's the whole quote, yes.

- If you hate being on a boat with me,

Maybe you should sell your half.

- I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?

- Maybe you should sell it to polonsky.

- Maybe I will. - You know, eddie,

Real friends--they don't break each other down.

They prop each other up. Right, jerry?

- Right, terry.

I will prop you up.

Ha! - [snickers]

- We played you, penisi.

Apparently you've never read "the art of war."

- Shit, it's right there

On my nightstand under "owen meany."

- Those look delicious.

- They should. I baked them myself.

- Then fuck you. [cookie thuds]

Bye-by-e-e-e.

- That was said in confidence. Why would you "sabatage" me?

- Because I have a bet to win.

I'm sowing the seeds of discontent.

[laughs]

- Oh. - Oh...

- Round three?

- Sorry, I only did the first two for the tpd.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

- Am I losing my touch?

[groans softly]

[upbeat rock music]

Mmm, that's delicious.

[sneaky music]

- All right, firefighters...

Yeah. [chuckles]

Ooh.

[chuckling]

- You got it? - [chuckles] oink, oink.

[both laugh]

You believe it? - No!

- Whoa! What the hell is this? What are you doing?

- What? What are you talking about?

What are you doing?

- You filled the donor bags with pig blood?

- Prove it. - What's the matter with you?

- The pigs were already dead! - You're despicable.

- Oh, come on, give me a break.

We do so much worse. - Yeah.

- Actually, this might be the worst thing

We've ever done. - Give me the bags.

- How about I kick your freakin' ass first?

[salazar gasps] - you're gonna kick my ass?

- Yeah. - I will murder you, bro.

- [laughs] this guy. - Yeah.

- [screams] - awesome.

[salazar screams]

- [groaning]

- Stay down, polonsky.

- You're so lucky.

I was about to kick your freakin' ass.

- What the hell's going on in here?

- Oh, uh, no. [chuckles] he started it, chief.

- He's bleeding.

- Oh, no, that's-- that's pig's blood.

- I told you, we do not call police officers pigs.

- No, it's pig's blood.

- I heard the slur the first time, young lady.

- No, this is pig's blood.

- Enough with the self-loathing, junior!

Look, I know you don't want to be a cop,

But I will not stand for that kind of talk!

Coño! It's fucking pig's blood!

All: Oh. - Hmm.

- What the hell are you doing with pig's blood?

- It doesn't matter!

I said we should all be friendly, like me and polonsky!

We can all be friends! - Hey, you guys, it's 6:00.

The contest is over. - What contest?

- Oops. - I said no contests.

- Sorry, chief.

Why is that pig covered in blood?

[laughter]

- Mickleberry, you look like a ghost.

- [mumbling] they made me give blood six times.

- You like nursery rhymes?

- They made me give blood six times.

- You gave blood six times, right?

Yeah, he gave blood six times. Yeah, you did, pal.

You got your six stickers. Isn't that right?

- Have some of the cookie. It'll make you feel better.

- [grunting weakly] - this can't be right.

Uh, okay, everybody,

We've totaled all the donations,

And, believe it or not, it's a tie.

- Bullshit! - What?

- It is a tie.

- Oh, nobody's asking you, nurse.

- Hey, cool it. - Okay, you know what?

I'm glad it's a tie, because donating blood

Should not be a contest.

- It is a contest, and guess what--

You freakin' lost. - We checked it twice.

The tfd came back thanks to the heroic sacrifice

Made by mickleberry.

- You did good, mick. - Of which I don't approve.

- So the whole contest ended up in a tie.

Kind of anticlimactic, isn't it?

- Hey, have jerry and terry donated?

- Well, not yet, no. - Nope, not yet.

- I say whoever donates more blood

Between you two is the tiebreaker.

- Oh, let's do that, chief. - Yes.

- Listen, that sounds like a fun idea,

But we're only allowed to donate one pint each,

And then it would still be a tie.

- Yeah, except his pint would be way bigger than yours.

- Not how pints work.

- Of course, if we weren't limited

To just one pint, terry would win.

- Okay, I don't know if that's true.

- You know what?

I would love to see a certain someone

Get a tacoma police department tattoo on their back.

- And I would love to see junior

With a tfd tattoo on him. [laughter]

- I can't let you do this. - What are you gonna do, nurse?

Call the cops? [laughter]

- Assholes! Ugh!

- All right, granny, you're in charge.

Let's do this. Here we go. - You got this, captain.

Come on, go, go, go, go! [scattered cheers]

- Hey, this is a great test of our friendship--

Our first bet. - It sure is.

No hard feelings when it's over.

- No hard feelings. - Good.

'cause I feel full of blood.

- Well, what do you say we up the bet

To include the two of us, then? - Sure.

I mean, after all, redhead blood is thin.

[laughter]

I'm just--I'm just kidding.

- Oh, well, yours is full of cholesterol.

[laughter]

- Easy now, easy now.

We're going to the fat jokes already, huh?

- Hey, you did the redhead joke.

You drew first blood. - It's not really a joke.

Look at the bag. Looks like pink lemonade.

- Like fruit punch. [laughter]

- Well, yours looks like full-on gravy.

All: Oh. - Fine.

I guess blood is thicker than friendship.

- Oh, uh, hey, you guys are both at two pints each.

- That's all right, granny, keep going.

- Ooh-whee! - Oh, boy.

- Chief, you sure?

You really shouldn't go past two pints.

- No problem-- I got a reserve pool of blood

In my ankles. - Be careful, chief.

I can't feel my arms,

And my mouth tastes like pennies.

- Bag me, junior. - You got it, pops.

- Game on. - Yeah.

[laughter] - whew.

- You sure you don't want to concede?

- You should concede.

You're gonna have a heart attack.

- Hey, soccer sucks.

- Oh! - Oh!

- Boating's for assholes. - Oh!

- And the only reason I became friends with you

Was to get under penisi's skin.

- The only reason I became friends with you

Was 'cause I thought it'd be good pr for the station!

- Ooh-ooh-ooh. - Eddie, squeeze my ankles.

- You got it, chiefy. - You mean your cankles.

- Ooh! - Whoa!

- It's working! - Holy shit.

- Oh, it's coming.

- Come on, dad! Come on!

- Granny, bag me! - Dad, I think we're done.

- No, we're not getting police tattoos today.

Bag me!

- [sighs] - yeah, bag him!

- You want to know why I'm so strong?

- Tell him, chief. - Milk.

Milk promotes strong teeth and bones

And blood.

- Milk is for kids. - Milk's for kids.

[laughter]

Dad? - I'm so cold.

[groans] both: He's out.

- We're losing him. - Dad, you loser! Wake up!

- This kid just kicked your ass.

- Oh! - Yeah!

Go, dad. - [gasps] junior!

I never loved you. [sighs]

- [groans softly] - oh, oh, oh, hey, hey.

Don't worry--I got you, chiefy,

Because real friends prop each other up.

- Eddie, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have made friends with polonsky--that was stupid.

- And I'm sorry I tried to "sabatage" your friendship.

- It's sabotage. - That's what I'm saying.

"sabatage." - it's like sabotage.

It's like taj mahal.

- "taje" mahal. - It's like nicki minaj.

- Nicki "minage." - never mind.

I don't have time to make new friends, eddie.

- No one over 40 does.

- [chuckles] yeah.

No one over 40 should make new friends.

- That's what I said. That's what I said.

[laughter]

- You said it.

[laughter continues]

- Ah, man, this is awesome, cap.

When are we gonna get this baby in the water, huh?

- Yeah, cap, we need an a-shift fishing trip.

- I love how everyone calls me cap.

- Well, that's 'cause you're the captain.

- I am the captain. Thank you, lucy.

She knows. - That's okay, little buddy.

You guys can just call me skipper.

- Okay, skipper. [laughter]

- Bad news, gang. - What?

- Turns out we didn't win the bet.

- What? How's that possible?

- Got the results right here.

There was an issue with the blood.

- Thanks a lot, eddie. You messed it up.

- Wha--hey! I didn't do anything, skipper.

- It says here that one of the donations

From this tfd crew was disqualified by the lab,

Which puts us a pint behind the cops.

- Ha ha. Well, at least they already got their tattoos.

- What was wrong with the blood?

- Was it steroids? - Nope.

- Xanies? - Nope.

- Prototype for the male pill? - Nah.

- Extra-strength cholestofix? - Nope.

According to this, one of us...

Is pregnant.

- Oh, shit. - Oh, shit.

- Oh, shit.

Wait, who?

Oh, sorry.

- Um, congratulations.

Oh. - [huffs angrily]

- [chuckles awkwardly]