Original subtitles

- You guys are useless. What are you even doing?

- I'd like to see you do something for once.

- What, are you scared? - All right, here we go.

- What's going on, shit face? - Eat a dick, penisi.

- Hey, check yourself, polonsky.

- Check yourself, crystal. - All right, all right.

Jerry. - Terry.

- Nice to see you. - You as well.

What brings you out?

- Looks like we have a jurisdictional problem.

- Yeah, he wants us to take care of these guys,

But they're his problem, not ours.

- Drunks, huh? - Yep.

- Looks like a police problem.

- Exactly. - What's with the wet pants?

- The wet your pants challenge, bitch!

[laughter] - he called you a bitch!

[laughter] - what's that supposed to mean?

- What, you never heard of it, chief queef?

[chuckles] step one, you piss your pants.

Step two, film it. [laughs]

- It's a new social media craze.

You piss yourself in an unexpected place and film it.

All the influencers are doing it.

- Kylie jenner pissed her yoga pants

At london bridge last week. Broke the internet.

- It was pretty dope. - Have you done it?

- I'd rather not say.

- We wet ourselves five times at the tacoma terriers game

And three times just now. [laughter]

- They are not getting in my ambulance.

- Yeah, they are. - Yeah, they are.

- Public intoxication, graffiti,

Vandalism--take 'em to jail.

- Well, I'm sorry to have to play this card, but...

Guys...

I'm gonna have to take you to jail.

- Thank you.

- For doing the wet your pants challenge?

Be cool, brah. Social meeds.

- Or you could tell these firefighters

About your chest pain.

- I don't have chest pain.

- Or you can tell these firefighters

About your chest pain, and legally,

They have to take you to the er instead of jail.

- No, no.

Both: We have chest pain!

Ah, my chest!

- Oh! - Ow, my chest!

- Yeah! - You heard it.

Chest pains, or as I call it, incarceritis.

- No, no chance. We're not taking these guys.

Absolutely not. - Nope, he's right.

We gotta take 'em. Load 'em up.

- Are you kidding me? Come on.

- We have no choice. Those are the rules.

Load 'em up. - Chief.

- All right, granny. - Cap.

- Might want to put on a life jacket

For the waterworks. [laughs]

- And by water, he means piss.

- Yeah. - Oh, really?

- Wait, wait, wait, take a video of me

Wetting myself in the ambulance.

- No, I just cleaned that ambulance out.

No. - Hey, you mind? Just one.

- Come on. - Want it vertical.

- Oh, shit. - Ah, my phone's all wet!

[laughs] - come on, let's go. Hurry up.

[both imitating sirens]

[foreigner's "hot blooded"]

- ♪ well, I'm hot-blooded ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪

[slamming gavel]

- Hear ye, hear ye,

This kangaroo court is now in session.

Let justice be served for the crimes committed

Within these walls, may they be real or perceived.

- Mm, good word, your honor.

- [chuckles] thank you very much, bailiff.

- My first kangaroo court. I'm a little nervous.

- Eh, don't worry about it, probie.

It's all in good fun. Nobody takes it too seriously.

- Bailiff, you may call the first case.

- All right, your honor, the court of station 24

Recognizes lucy mcconky.

- Aha.

- Your honor, theft is a heinous crime,

And no thievery is lower

Than firefighter on firefighter theft.

- Mm. - You can say that again.

- Deplorable.

- As someone who enjoys looking "noice,"

I recently bought a very expensive bottle

Of shampoo to add extra body to my hair.

Someone in this station has been stealing

That very expensive shampoo.

Your honor, I bring before the court

The case of the people versus ike crystal!

[dramatic music]

Both: Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.

- Your honor, two weeks ago, I bought this bottle

Of maurice pasqual extra volumizing

Ultra full body shampoo for $189.99.

- $189? For shampoo?

- May I remind you that you're the judge right now

And not my father? - Yeah, but that's crazy.

- [chuckles] - what's in that thing, gold?

- Well, it's pretty common for high-end shampoo

These days, your honor. - Is that right, bailiff?

- Indeed, and that right there is the low end of the high end.

- Shut the front door! Maybe I am crazy.

- No, no, you're not crazy.

- Thank you for your shampoo expertise, bailiff.

- Well, I appreciate your appreciation

Of my expertise. [both chuckle]

- As you might note, the bottle is almost empty.

[bottle rattles]

- Inspect that, bailiff. - Yes, sir.

[bottle rattles]

Yep, that's empty. - I thought the same thing.

- Mm-hmm.

- Ike asked me to use it,

And I declined given its lofty price.

Soon, the levels began to lower and his hair became fluffier.

- Objection. Circumstantial.

- Sustained. Very good, ike.

That's good legalese. - Yeah!

- Murmur, murmur, murmur. - Murmur, murmur.

- Your honor, I would like to call

To the stand an expert witness,

Andres mickleberry!

[upbeat rock music]

Mickleberry, are you familiar

With maurice pasqual extra volumizing

Ultra full body shampoo?

- I am. My mom uses it. It smells like home.

- Mickleberry, will you smell ike's hair

And tell me what it smells like?

- I don't think we need to do that, your honor.

- I'll allow it. - Mm.

- [sniffs deeply]

Ah, dios mío.

Maurice pasqual. I'd bet my life on it.

- Objection! Uh, speculation.

- He is an expert witness. Overruled.

- [chuckles] he is an expert.

- Yeah. - Good call, your honor.

He had his nose in that thing

Like it was another dog's ass. - [laughs]

- Yes, I think he could smell what he was thinking.

[both laugh]

- And, your honor, I actually saw ike use the shampoo.

- What? - Murmur, murmur.

Both: Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.

- We were showering after a call

When ike mentioned his dry hair.

- Ugh, these fires make my hair so thin and flat and dry!

Does that happen to you? - Not really.

[bottle whistles]

- Thanks a lot, obama.

Oh, hello, you. [laughs]

- Ike, don't! That's lucy's.

- Yeah, no shit it's lucy's.

Chick shampoo fucking rules.

- You shouldn't steal from other people.

- It's fine. Don't worry about it.

I do this all the time.

"ike, that's not yours. That's lucy's."

Shut up, bro! God.

- I think that stuff is really expensive.

- By the way, if you say anything about this,

I'm gonna waste you, bro.

Snap, crackle, pop!

- Murmur, murmur. - Murmur, murmur, murmur.

- Ugh, how do we know he didn't do it?

He probably used it. Look at his wavy, curly hair.

Look at how wavy it is. - I have naturally curly hair.

- Your honor, we know it wasn't mickleberry.

- And how do we know that?

- Because mickleberry is allergic

To maurice pasqual shampoo!

- It's true.

I'm allergic to the cleansing agent

In maurice pasqual, cocamidopropyl betaine.

It irritates my skin.

Here's a note from my mother stating such.

- Bailiff, enter that into evidence.

- Entering to evidence, your honor.

"my son is allergic to the cleansing agent

"cocamidopropyl betaine in maurice pasqual shampoo.

Maria mickleberry." looks legit, your honor.

- It does look legit.

All right. [slams gavel]

This court is ready to rule. - Judge ruling.

- I hereby find ike crystal guilty of the crime of theft.

- What?

- I sentence you to reimburse

Lucy mcconky $189.99 using the cashmo app.

- Wait, whoa, whoa, that's a lot of money!

- Furthermore, upon recess of this court,

I order you to wash that shampoo

Right out of your hair, and I also ban you

From using any volumizing shampoo

For one month. - Yes.

- What? I need to volumize.

I'm gonna look ridiculous.

[slams gavel] - next case.

[alarm blaring] - alarm, engine 24.

Rescue 42, respond to unknown odor.

- Okay, this court is adjourned until the crew returns.

Thank you very much, everybody. That was fun.

[slamming gavel]

Hear ye, hear ye,

This kangaroo court is back in session.

- Kangaroo court sucks. - You suck.

- You suck. - You suck.

- And the court will now recognize

Captain edward penisi jr.

[smooth guitar riff] - ♪ eddie ♪

- Your honor...

We can all agree that treason is a most heinous crime.

- Oh, very heinous. Isn't that right, bailiff?

- Most heinous crime I know.

- And if we sit by

While acts of treason are committed,

Are we not ourselves traitors? - We are traitors.

Isn't that right, bailiff? - Dirty dogs.

- It is with this weighing on my heart

That I accuse chief terry mcconky of treason.

- Murmur, murmur. - Murmur, murmur, major murmur.

- What? How?

- I am accusing you

Of being friends with the enemy,

Police captain jerry polonsky.

- Murmur, murmur. - Oh, shit, murmur, murmur.

- Oh. - Murmur, baby, murmur.

- That's ridiculous. Me friends with polonsky?

I can't wait to hear this one.

- If it pleases the court,

The prosecution will now present its case.

- It pleases the court. Isn't that right, bailiff?

- Oh, from the rootie to the tootie.

- This'll be good.

[slams gavel]

- Oh, ye, oh, ye. Court is in session.

The honorable bailiff granfield smith

Will now preside over the case

Of the people versus terry mcconky.

Counselor.

- Chief mcconky, you stand accused

Of being friends with captain jerry polonsky.

- Oh, boy, this is gonna be a classic.

- Oh, yeah. - Okay, go ahead.

- Terry, today I am going to prove

That the two of you have a wealth of things in common,

And that that has lead you to become secret close friends.

- [laughs] come on.

He's a redhead. They smell like mothballs.

I mean, give me a break.

Why would I be friends with that?

- Mm-hmm, indeed.

The other day,

When we greeted the cops with insults

At the incarceritis imbroglio,

You not only greeted polonsky with a very friendly,

"nice to see you," but you also sided with him

Against the tfd, did you not?

- Murmur, murmur. - Murmur, murmur, murmur.

- Okay, that's what this is about?

Great. All right. Let's do it.

- Terry, would you state for me the name

Of your favorite country and western

Music recording artist please?

- Well, I think we all know it's leigh weigh.

- And did you not attend the leigh weigh concert

Last month on the 29th?

- You freaking know I did.

They closed with "fresh cut grass

And a piece o' ass."

Nobody left. - Your honor, exhibit a.

- Oh, great, you're a tech guy now?

- This photo was posted to jerry polonsky's

Boi-oi-oing page the morning after the leigh weigh concert.

- So what? He's a weigh watcher.

Maybe I should be friends with him.

- But hold on one second.

I think you were there together.

[laughter]

- Oh, murmur, murmur. - Murmur, murmur, murmur.

- It's a good one. - Whoo!

- Yeah, I went straight from work.

- Chief mcconky, do you recall that,

At our most recent charity auction,

There were two unclaimed tickets

To the bonney lake arts & crafts fair?

- Can't say that I do. - Hm, that's very interesting,

Considering that those two tickets

Were pinned to the bulletin board

Outside of your office for some time

Until they went missing.

- Objection, your honor. Who gives a shit?

[laughter]

- Counselor, you better be going someplace with this.

- Oh, I am, your honor. I am.

Your honor, the bonney lake arts & crafts fair

Was on Saturday the 2nd of this month.

Now, the night of the 2nd, chief mcconky was caught

Running a red light camera in the town of bonney lake.

- [gasps] - oh.

- Murmur, murmur. - Okay, so what?

- And how do you know this, counselor?

- I know this because terry showed me

The red light ticket photo.

He thought it was funny. - Big deal.

I think red light photo cameras are funny.

- It's pretty funny. - Yeah. See?

Everyone thinks they're funny.

- The thing we never discussed was the identity

Of this person obscured in the photo

Sitting next to terry in his car.

- It's probably vicky. - You don't recall?

- Probably vicky.

- Lucy, what did terry tell you about that ticket?

- He bragged about how he pulled some strings

To get out of it. - Oh.

Pulled some strings, did he? Well, well, well.

It must be very easy to get out of a traffic ticket

When the passenger in your car is a police captain.

Both: Murmur, murmur, murmur. - Murmur, murmur, murmur.

- Okay, this is stupid, all right?

Now it's getting boring. That was your best joke.

Let's move on now.

- Your honor, I demand a retrial.

I was blatantly framed for that shampoo crime.

I didn't do it. - And if you were framed

For the shampoo, why is your hair so flat now?

- I--stop. I--

[sighs] look, I request a short recess

So I can get my case in order, please.

- Your case is over. - But I'm innocent, I tell you!

I'm innocent! I was framed!

- Ike, I got the chief on the ropes.

- What? Whatever, "on the ropes."

[alarm blaring] fresh alarm, engine 24...

- Okay, roll it out.

- We will resume when we return.

- [laughs] - oh, man.

Did you see his face

When you brought up the red light ticket?

- Hysterical.

Terry has five minutes of fun in him,

And then he gets cranky. - And defensive.

- Yeah, about me saying he's friends with polonsky.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

When we get back in there, I am gonna hit him

With some really stupid stuff just to piss him off.

- Who is in this photo? - Probably vicky.

- It doesn't really look like her.

I'ma text her.

"were you with dad in the car

When he got the red light ticket?"

- It's gotta be her.

Who else would terry go to an arts & crafts fair with?

- She said "what ticket?"

Guess it's not her. [knock at door]

- Sorry, uh, you know I didn't use the maurice pasqual, right?

- Yes, you did, ike. - No, I didn't, lucy.

- You look like a scarecrow. - Oh, come on.

Okay, maybe I used it once

Because my husky 3-in-1 men's body wash was out.

I used it one time,

But there's no way I used that much.

That's impossible.

Somebody else is using it, okay?

And it wasn't me, lucy,

So stop looking at me like that.

It wasn't--you know what?

I'm gonna find out who, and you can bet your ass

I'm gonna find out, and we're gonna solve it.

- Mickleberry caught you red-handed!

- Well, mickleberry is a liar!

- Guys, guys, it's kangaroo court.

It's kangaroo court. Calm down.

- Cap, I'm calm,

But I got robbed in there! This is bullshit!

- Cap, can you kick him out of our private lunch.

- Did you guys go to blobby's without me?

- Yeah, we did. - Awesome.

You know it's my favorite. - [laughs]

[upbeat rock music]

- Blobby's sucks!

[slamming gavel] - oh, ye!

Oh, ye, oh, ye, oh, ye!

We resume the case

Of the people versus chief mcconky.

- Okay, eddie, are we gonna keep going with this?

I thought we got all the laughs out of it, hm?

- Oh, your honor, I would like

To call another witness to the stand.

- Oh. Hey, sorry. You guys having a meeting?

Well, what'd you want, lucy?

- Your honor, the people call viccolina penisi-mcconky.

[dramatic musical sting]

- Oh, no, not kangaroo court again

- Mom, please, just one quick question.

- Yeah, but last time, eddie accused terry

Of wearing spanx, and then--

Then he tricked me into testifying.

I don't want to do that again.

- I don't wear spanx.

- Okay, let's not talk about it.

- It's super important.

- Five minutes, that's it.

- Mrs. Penisi-mcconky,

Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule

To accommodate us. - Let's get to it, eddie.

- Mrs. Penisi-mcconky,

Do you remember terry going to the leigh weigh concert

Last month? - Of course.

He's still singing that "ass in the grass" song.

- Honey, it's "fresh cut grass and a piece o' ass."

- Yeah, you know what I mean.

- I used to sing that song to you when you rubbed my feet.

- We don't have to tell everybody that.

- Do you remember with whom terry went to the concert?

- Ike. - Yeah?

Oh, me ike?

No, you're probably thinking of a different guy named ike.

- I actually said mike.

Mike penkenten from the treasurer's office.

- No, you said ike.

- I specifically said mike. Mike penkenten.

- Murmur, murmur, murmur. - No, not--not now.

- Wait, terry, did you lie to me?

- Are you kidding me? Are you falling for this?

This is a joke.

- Vicky, is this you in the car with terry?

- No, this is a man, eddie. - Indeed. Indeed.

- Terry, who did you go to the concert with?

- Mike penkenten! - Who is this in this picture?

- It's probably mike penkenten.

- Mike penkenten is not a white guy.

- Okay, joke's over. Come on, all right?

Lookit--she's getting mad at me now.

Are you happy? - All right, counselor.

Where are you going with this?

- Your honor, it is the prosecution's belief

That terry mcconky is secretly attending events

With jerry polonsky.

They went to the leigh weigh concert together.

They went to the bonney lake arts & crafts fair together,

And if you'd look at these two photos side-by-side,

They reveal that the mystery passenger

In terry's car is none other than his open-mouthed friend

Jerry polonsky.

- Oh! - Murmur, murmur.

- Murmur, murmur.

- Vicky, this is a joke, okay?

This is a joke, all right?

- Your honor, the prosecution brings to the stand

Police captain gerald mcrainey polonsky.

- Yeah, right.

He's actually here. [chuckles]

- The hell do you want, penisi?

You said there was a crime being committed here.

- There is-- the crime of treason,

And terry mcconky is guilty!

All: Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.

- Yeah, we don't arrest people for treason.

You need to call the feds.

[upbeat rock music]

- Jerry, would you consider yourself to be friends

With terry mcconky? - Us? Friends?

I'd sooner eat a rat, crap that out,

Eat that, crap that out, feed that to another rat,

And then eat that rat.

- Objection, your honor!

Super gross and mildly confusing.

- Sustained, ike, but this isn't your case.

You can't object.

- Well, now that I've got your attention,

Can I just tell you, I'm innocent!

I paid lucy a lot of money for that shampoo.

A lot of money! - And there it is.

[cash register chimes] thanks, ike.

- Jerry, who did you go to the leigh weigh concert with?

- Joe. - I'm not falling for it.

- Joe mama! Ooh, ooh!

- Oh, joe mama. That was awesome.

Like, joe--joe mama.

It's like a knock-knock joke. Forget it, man. Try to keep up.

- Were you in terry's car

The night he got the red light camera ticket?

- No, that was probably your mom.

- Oh, zing. He got her twice in a row.

- Yeah. - Man, he's vicious.

- I'm sorry, terry, did you want to be friends?

Maybe our kids can date again with the...

[singing, trilling]

- Okay. - Hey.

- That's offensive. - Her mother is here.

- Oh, my god.

Uncle eddie, you gotta see this.

[soft dramatic music]

- [gasps]

- All right, cap, can you wrap this up?

- Not just yet, your honor.

I call terry mcconky back to the stand.

- Okay, eddie, joke's over. All right? Really.

- Terry, did you recently purchase

A wicker basket?

[dramatic musical sting]

- I don't recall. - Honey, yes, you did.

It's in the bathroom.

It's holding your boat magazines.

- Oh, thanks, honey.

- Everyone, this is lucy's cashmo app.

Note the top payment, ike crystal to lucy mcconky.

Terry, are you aware that cashmo allows you

To view your friends' transactions

As well as your own? - How?

- That's just the way cashmo works.

- Everybody knows that. - Why would they do that?

- Social media. - It's not social media.

It's banking transactions.

- Terry, did you reimburse jerry for a wicker basket?

Did you or did you not reimburse jerry polonsky

For a wicker basket that you purchased

At the bonney lake arts & crafts fair?

- Objection! Your honor, objection.

- Overruled. I want to hear this.

- If it pleases the court...

Everybody, notice the bottom payment

From one month ago.

[all gasp]

- Chief.

- Dad, was polonsky in the car with you?

- Terry, is that who you went to the concert with?

- Terry, are you friends with polonsky?

- That's ridiculous!

- No, I'm not friends with polonsky.

- You are under oath. - No, I'm not under oath.

This is kangaroo court. - Tell us the truth.

- You want the truth? - Yeah, I want the truth.

- You want the truth? - Yeah, I want the truth!

- I can't handle the truth. - Yes.

Yes, I went to the arts & crafts fair

With polonsky!

We called it our crafternoon, and we got baskets,

And we got dreamcatchers, and we watched glassblowing,

And we had funnel cake, and you know what?

We had a great time because we're friends!

- We are friends. - There, I said it.

And I feel free now! How's that?

- How long has this been going on?

- I ran into him at the bert kreisher concert

In February.

We chatted. We laughed. We hit it off.

He's hysterical. - He's hysterical.

- Oh, and you know what?

I went to the leigh weigh concert with him too,

But you'd know that if you'd just looked

At your picture more closely.

My reflection is in the sunglasses!

I had the time of my life.

- Why have you been keeping this from us?

- He's a cop! It's like "romeo and juliet."

- With a dude every weekend? - It's so weird.

- Besides, you're not supposed to make friends

Over 40 with random new people. - Watching netflix by myself.

- Why is it any different? - Nobody accepts it!

- This is crazy! - You think I'm weird?

- There's a tradition of the fire department

Hating the police. - You guys have been

Coming at me forever!

- Order! Order in the courtroom!

- And I don't wear spanx! - Order! Order!

- [sniffing]

- Mom? - [sniffs]

Eddie, have you been using

Maurice pasqual extra volumizing

Ultra full body shampoo?

- What? - Lucy uses it.

- You were using it? - No, it's not maurice pasqual.

It's not maurice pasqual. It's not maurice pasqual.

- [sniffs] I smell it

All over the place here. Wow, you guys.

[sniffing] it's there. It's there.

We got it-- - what are you, a bloodhound?

- [sniffing]

Mickleberry, you too?

Terry, what are you paying these guys?

- What?

You said you were allergic, bro!

- Okay, so what? It makes my curls look awesome.

- You owe me $189. You both owe me $189.99.

[laughs] oh, baby, yes!

- Wait, what--ow. - [sniffs]

I cannot believe this! This is rampant collusion!

- He's the ringleader. He always has been.

- Mickleberry did it! [slamming gavel]

- Order in my courtroom!

Looks like I got a lot of sentences to hand down.

- And some to retract.

- And I'm the only one who's not a shampoo thief.

Cap, you should be ashamed of yourself.

- Eh, I'm not sorry. My hair's sweet.

- I hope you go bald.

- Chief terry mcconky, this court finds you guilty

Of secretly being friends with captain jerry polonsky.

We're gonna take a short recess to figure out your punishment.

[slams gavel]

- Ooh, embroidered mushrooms. Look at that.

- Hey. - Huh?

- You're a fun guy. - [laughs]

That's a good one. - Thank you.

- Oh, man. Ooh, candles.

Look at this. [laughs]

- I love fragrances.

- Ah. [sniffs]

Mm. - Hit me.

[sniffs] sand and fog.

I'd bet anything. - Oh!

Huh? Nailed it.

- Hey, guys, wait up. Check it out.

Dreamcatchers, tons of 'em back there.

- Sweet.

- Also, there's a booth back there

With homemade sleep masks with animal faces on 'em.

I'm talking, like, owl eyes, racoon eyes, and whatnot.

- Shut up. - I've gotta get one of those.

- Me too! [laughter]

- I gotta tell you something, eddie.

When granny handed down that sentence

And said that you couldn't use hair product

And that we should spend the day together

At the arts & crafts fair, I thought it was a punishment,

But your hair looks great, and this has been a lot of fun.

- It really has.

I have to be honest.

I didn't think I could hang out with a cop,

Specifically this cop.

- You. - But this has been terrific.

- Really terrific. [chuckles]

Hey, homemade bookmarks.

- What? - You guys read?

- Of course. - Okay, okay, hold on.

I'll get some. - I'll catch up with you.

- Hey, anyway, I wanted to thank you

For being so cool about terry and I being friends,

And who knows, maybe one day, the three of us,

Maybe we'll be a trio. [chuckles]

- Not on your life.

I'm gonna bide my time like a lion in tall grass,

And then poof, I'm gonna eat you,

Bones and all, and you're gonna be gone,

And no one will ever miss you.

Hey, terry, wait up! I love bookmarks!

- That's not a very nice thing to say to somebody.

- Here, let's come back here. Let's come--

There's something I want to show you down here.

- Yeah. - The dreamcatchers.

- Oh, where are the dreamcatchers?

- They're right back here. - Oh, great, okay.

Should we get jerry or--

- Nah, nah, nah. He'll be fine.