Original subtitles

[laughter]

- Wait. You never pee in the shower?

- Never. It's nasty. - Really?

Sometimes I hold it until I'm in the shower.

- Yeah. - Come on. How do you aim?

- I don't. - You don't have to aim.

You're in the shower, bro. - No, bro. What?

- You are missing out on one of

The finer things in life, my friend.

- What up, a-holes? - Hey, what's up?

- Hey. - A-hole.

- Whoa.

What the hell's with all the flavored seltzer water?

- It was a gift from the guy we uncoupled from the hot tub jet.

- Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to drink it.

I keep telling you, that stuff sucks.

It's a scourge. Get rid of it.

- No. I love it. - Yeah, you got to try

This fizzle froot guava jalapeño, my friend.

- And the lepleux pamplemousse is always a solid choice.

- But there's barely any flavor.

- Exactly. [laughter]

- Why would you drink something with hardly any flavor?

- I don't know. 'cause it's good.

Just a whiff.

- Yeah, 'cause we like it. [laughs]

- You people never listen to me.

Those drinks are a scam.

You only drink them because they're trendy.

Let me show you how they make them.

[upbeat music]

[farts]

Mm-hmm. There you go. Penisi froot.

Grape-eux.

- Pfft. - You're gross.

- I'm not sure it works like that, but, uh...

- He's really cranky.

Are you gonna make me try it? - Obviously, yes.

- Yup.

[laughs] so he drinks it.

[laughs] I can't believe you drank it.

- Oh, boy.

- Actually, pretty good. - What?

- Yeah, right. Whatever.

Ah, let me try. [laughs]

- Ike, what are you doing, man?

- Ah, it still smells like farts.

I'm drinking it.

[exhales]

That is nice.

[foreigner's "hot blooded"]

- ♪ well, I'm hot-blooded ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪

- What the hell? Where's my soccer game?

Hey, guys, I recorded ac milan versus udinese,

And it's not here. You know what happened?

- We thought it was recorded by mistake and we deleted it.

- Mickleberry. - Come on, man.

- Don't admit it, man. - Are you kidding me?

- Yeah, sorry, cap. We needed to make room for this

Game show we've been watching where people eat stuff

To figure out if it's cake or made of legos.

[laughs] it's really good.

- That was a huge match.

Ac milan is currently number one in calcio a,

But sassuolo, juventus,

Atalanta, and udinese are currently in contention.

- Are those cars or...

- They're soccer teams, bro. - Kind of feel about soccer

The way you feel about flavored seltzers.

- Aren't you mexican?

- Is this gonna be a gross generalization?

- Mexican people love soccer. - Not me.

I think it's boring. They just pass the ball around

And the game ends in a zero-zero tie.

- I'm with him. I want touchdowns,

Scoring, homeruns, that's it.

- No, that's the beauty of the game.

It's a chess match that's often decided by just one goal.

It's incredible. The fans are going bananas.

All: [snoring] - you know, I keep saying

We should watch a game together sometime.

Fine. Okay. Fine. Fine.

I try to broaden your horizons, and this is the thanks I get.

- My horizons are plenty broadened, okay?

I'm gonna be a star because of this uke.

I'm writing parody songs

And the first song I'm parodying is "purple rain."

I call it "carpool lane." [laughs]

♪ carpool lane, carpool lane ♪ [mimics electric guitar]

- That's awesome. - That was pretty great, man.

- My god, granny, song parodies are the lowest form

Of entertainment on the entire planet.

Any idiot can "weird al" yankovic a song.

- That's not true.

- Yeah? Name a popular song right now.

- Uh, "smear my dick sauce"

By changy b featuring pdq zygote.

- Smear my dick sauce. Okay.

"shear my ticks off," and you sing it in a sheep's voice.

Boom. It's that easy. - Hey, can I use that?

- Yeah, take it. Do what you want with it.

Throw it in the trash. It's gonna suck.

- Wait, wait, hold on a second. Back up.

Are you saying that "weird al" yankovic takes a song

That's already popular and then does his version of it?

'cause I'm pretty sure it's the other way around.

- Are you telling me that you think that "weird al" yankovic

Wrote a song called "another one rides the bus,"

And in response, freddie mercury and queen wrote

"another one bites the dust"? - Yeah.

- Ikey, respectfully, you have said some dumb things in

Your life, but this one might be the dumbest of them all.

- That's not respectful at all.

- No, he's right. I am super stupid.

I say dumb shit all the time. He's always telling me that

I say dumb stuff and I'm like, "thank you for pointing

"that out because now I know that I'm an idiot

And I should probably just stop thinking."

- Hey, what's up, gang? - Not much.

Cap's just pissing in everyone's cheerios.

- No, I'm not. I'm trying to give out

Life advice, but no one appreciates it.

For example,

Mickleberry, you sit around all day

Eating onion bagels and you wonder why your breath stinks.

- [gasps] edward caesar penisi.

I know you're upset,

But breath-shaming the probie, that is a bridge too far.

- Well, so is shame-shaming me.

I'm trying to improve his life. The kid is constantly

Complaining about his breath being bad.

- He's right, chief. I am.

But I still want that bagel. - No, I'm doing you a favor.

I'm trying to do all of you favors.

- You are very ornery.

Are you going through man-opause?

- No, I'm not going through man-opause.

I sacrificed one of my nuts for this station

And I don't get an ounce of appreciation.

- Well, I made the same sacrifice.

You don't see me running around here

Rubbing my one testicle in everyone's face.

- [laughs] - okay, well, there's this.

[upbeat music]

I said I wanted this stuff gone,

But nobody listens to me.

So now, I'm gonna dump it myself.

- Oh, come on. Really? - Don't.

- What are you doing? - Cap!

- What are you doing, cap?

- No, no, no, no, no. - No, don't, cap.

Don't touch it! - No, no, no, no!

[all protesting, groaning]

- I organized that.

- There. Honestly,

I would like to see you all try to manage without me.

It would be a total disaster.

All: [scream] - [grunts]

- [gasps]

[groans]

Oh, boy. Okay.

[hisses]

[upbeat music]

[groans] wow. That hurt.

Oh, boy.

Hey, ike, do you wanna help me up?

I kind of rang my bell. [groans]

- Man, this smidge banapricot one is nice.

- Ooh, I love smidge.

♪ just a smidge of flavor means a smidge of taste ♪

[laughs]

- God, what the hell, guys? You that mad at me?

- They're not mad at you, eddie.

How can they be mad at someone who doesn't exist?

- Who are you?

- They can't be mad at you because you were never born.

- Oh, are you from softwood meadows?

Hold on. You got an id bracelet?

- No, eddie, eddie,

I'm not from the assisted living facility.

I'm your guardian angel, lawrence.

- [laughs]

Uh, hey, someone call softwood meadows.

See if they're missing a patient.

Hey, joke's over. This guy needs help.

- You really are a thick one, aren't you, eddie?

Haven't you ever seen a hallmark christmas movie?

- [laughs] okay, the prank's over.

The prank's over. - It's not a prank, eddie.

Stick your hand down your pants and find out.

- [laughs]

Okay, stick my hand down my pants and this isn't a prank?

Okay, I'm gonna put my hand in my pants.

You guys can take a photo. We'll all have a nice laugh.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's my kind of day right here.

- Yeah, how many testicles do you feel, eddie?

- [gasps] oh, my god, I've got two testicles.

- You have two testicles because you didn't pop one

Pulling chief mcconky out of that fire.

Because you were never born.

- Let's go. - All right.

- Eddie, I'm an angel,

And I'm here to show you what life would be like

Without you.

- So am I a ghost? - [chuckles] no.

- Can I float? - No.

- Can I walk through people? - No.

- Can I haunt anyone? - Eddie, eddie.

I'm an angel, and I'm here to show you

What station 24 would be like if you'd never been born.

- Oh. - Come on.

Now take your hand out of your pants.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

- [sighs] - what--what are we doing?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. [whooshing]

Whoa. God, you just whooshed us through that wall.

I mean, you do realize you only saved us, like, two seconds.

But still. - Eddie, observe.

- Oh, man, this place is a mess.

Well, they're packing up. What?

Oh, my god.

The station got shut down without me?

- Granny, can you believe we're moving into

A brand-new deluxe station?

- [chuckles] yeah, well, that's what happens when you win

Best shift in america three years in a row, baby!

[laughs] - oh, yeah.

- Best shift in america? Without me?

- Hey, ike, I'm really sorry I won't be joining you.

- Ah, I'm sorry too, granny.

- Oh, man, granny didn't make the cut.

- No, no, he quit.

- [groans] hey, thanks for letting me

Leave my platinum albums here.

They're putting solid gold bidets

In every room in my mansion.

- What did he just say? - Without you shitting all over

The fine art form of song parody,

Granny went on to be even bigger than weird al.

- Bigger than weird al? - I got to say,

That last multimillion dollar-selling album

That you made was so funny.

"uptown skunk" instead of "uptown funk?"

How do you even think of that stuff?

It makes me laugh every time I think about it.

- [laughs] - "uptown skunk."

I'm just like, it's so funny. - Oh, and did I tell you

That disney is going to make a animated movie about it?

And they're going to give me a piece of the merch.

- Shut up. - A piece of the merch.

- I wonder if I could fit these in my lamborghini.

- A lambo?

- Guess I have to put them in my other lambo.

[laughter] - I forgot you have two.

Come on. - Come on.

- Hey, can I drive one? - Nah.

- No, I know.

- I thought you were supposed to show me

That their lives were worse without me, not better.

- I have no control over that, eddie.

I'm just trying to help you appreciate them.

- I don't think their lives are better off without me.

And I do appreciate them. - No, eddie, you don't.

You think they should all be like you.

But if you really appreciate them,

Then I'll get my wings, and you'll hear a bell.

[bell ringing]

- Oh, and what happens if you don't get your wings?

- Then I'll go to hell.

And you'll hear this.

[trombone whomping]

- Oh, man.

That's a bummer. Ok.

Well, I hope I can help you out.

By the way, thank you for choosing me

To be my guardian angel.

- No, I-- I didn't choose you, eddie.

You were randomly assigned. - That's weird.

I feel like you'd be the kind of guy that would choose me,

You know, a fellow italian.

And probably a former firefighter, am I right?

- No, no, former travel agent from ohio.

I'm actually a woman.

They just have me appear to you

In what's deemed an appealing form.

- Is this what you look like as a woman?

- No, actually, I-- I looked like uma thurman.

[chuckles]

- Well, honestly, I would find that to be

A more appealing form. - [chuckles]

- Can I see? - No.

- Come on. Give me a little taste.

- Don't get weird. Come on.

Let's keep going. - Where are we going?

Whoa. [whooshing]

[laughs] I love the whoosh.

It's amazing. - Ok, eddie, observe.

- How often do you do the whoosh?

All the time? - Eddie, please, observe.

- Hey, just out of curiosity, how far could you whoosh us?

Could you whoosh us across town?

- Eddie. - Could you whoosh us anywhere?

- [sighs] ok.

- Holy shit. The waterfalls of zihuatanejo!

- [chuckles] - I always wanted to come here.

It's on my bucket list. - I know that.

And I can whoosh you anywhere.

[whooshing]

- Oh, that was awesome!

Zihuatanejo. Are you kidding me?

- Can we get on with this now? - Yes.

Yes. - Whoops.

Here we go.

Yeah, call coming in in 3, 2--

[alarm blaring] - attention 24,

Rescue 42, a marijuana dispensary.

Structure fire. Respond...

- You did it again. That was the call.

- How'd he do that? - Now hold on now.

It's going to be a false alarm.

[alarm blaring] - station 24. False alarm.

Now reported as just a lot of weed smoke.

- [chuckles] ike, your psychic powers

Never cease to amaze me.

- Ike has psychic powers?

- He does.

Because you weren't always telling him he was dumb,

He didn't believe he was dumb.

And he exercised his brain muscles.

And now he can predict the future.

- [scoffs] son of a bitch.

- Ike, I never understand why you don't

Use your incredible gift to make millions

In the stock market.

- [chuckles] I knew you were going to say that.

So, granny, I have psychic abilities.

But I can't travel back in time

And change the value of stocks.

You understand?

- [chuckles] psychic powers, yes.

But still, some-- some trouble in other areas.

- [chuckles] yeah, all right.

Well, so ike is better off too.

Where's mickleberry?

- Ah, step this way.

- Why are we walking? - Because we're not whooshing.

- Oh, come on. Let's whoosh.

- Eddie.

- Dr. Mickleberry, tell me the story

Of how you won the nobel prize.

- Dr. Mickleberry?

- I was a rookie firefighter in tacoma.

One day, I was just eating an onion bagel.

And suddenly, the inspiration hit me.

I realized how I could cure halitosis.

- The onion bagel sparked the cure for halitosis?

- It did.

Since you weren't here to snatch that bagel

Out of his hand, mickleberry went on

To make the entire world a better place.

- My absence eliminated halitosis

Across the entire planet?

That seems like kind of a wild coincidence.

- Ah, boy.

You are a tough nut to crack there, eddie boy.

Why can't you appreciate that your crew

Has talents beyond you?

- Maybe it's not me who's dragging them down.

Maybe the new captain just happens

To be a super cool, exciting guy

Who brings out the best in everybody.

- Maybe.

- Hey, cap. - Hey, guys.

What's crackulating? - There goes that theory.

- [chuckles] - granny, good to see you.

Hey, I cannot stop listening to your music.

That song "carpool lane," oh, I love it.

- [chuckles] - I only want to see you

Driving in the carpool lane.

Carpool lane. Carpool lane.

It's brilliant. It's brilliant.

It's a parody. But it's like its own song.

You know what I mean? - Thanks, cap.

But you know I got newer songs than that, right?

- Oh, I know that.

I listen to the new stuff too.

Lou let the frogs out.

Croak. Croak. Croak. Croak.

[laughter] that's a great one.

You bring so much joy to me. I don't know how you do it.

You take someone else's song,

You change the words a little bit,

And then you make it your own.

It's amazing.

You're better than weird al.

- [laughs] oh, my god.

I'm going to--I'm blushing. You just can't see it.

- You know who else loves your music?

My son. - His son?

[rock music]

- 'sup, dad.

Hey, guys.

Here's the reports you asked for.

- Lukey, you never let me down.

- Ah, thanks, dad.

- Lucy is lukey?

- Because terry didn't have to pull you out of the fire,

He never popped his boy nut, and, therefore,

Was able to sire the son he always wanted.

- That doesn't make sense.

The whole boy nut, girl nut thing

Is based on terry's misunderstanding

Of human biology.

- Yes, but because you weren't here to debunk it,

His belief had a psychosomatic effect on his own sperm.

- I love having a son.

- [laughs] oh, man.

I love being your son, dad. Hey, think fast.

- Oh, jesus! Ok, all right.

- You're such a pussy, dad.

- The kid's kind of a douche, though, huh?

- Yeah, a little bit.

- Ok. So if terry's the captain, who's the chief?

- Look alive, sausage party.

The chief is on deck.

[dramatic music]

- [whimpers]

- Dick tap. - Oh, my balls!

- I knew he was going to do that.

He's a great kid. - [groans]

[laughter]

- So then I say, hey, I know you're lactose intolerant.

Just don't milk it.

- Oh! [laughs]

Gee, that is the funniest story I've ever heard.

- That's a dumb joke. That's not funny.

- Eddie. - You know, I've been thinking

About the pickleball tournament.

What have we won? Like, 10 years in a row now?

- At least.

- Maybe we need to handicap ourselves,

Tie our shoelaces together.

- Oh, like, tie my shoelaces together?

Or tie my shoelaces to your shoelaces?

- [laughs] I hadn't even thought about that.

- [laughs] - I love it.

Hysterical.

You just bought yourself two more vacation days.

- Thank you, chief. - Where's the sniveling,

Snarky pain in the ass wolf boykins?

Is this wolf cool? - Yes, eddie.

Because you never tormented him at the academy,

Wolf developed into a really charming and confident guy.

He also parts his hair on the other side

And has chosen to stay uncircumcised.

Don't ask me why.

- Ok, yes,

I foreskin-shamed him once or twice.

- 17 times.

- Ok. But how did he become chief?

- Hey, guys.

- [chuckles] well, at least vicky is still with terry.

- Oh, hey.

- There she is. Sweeter than a georgia peach.

- Oh, come here.

[both moan]

- What? No.

- Yep, without you here to set your sister up with terry,

She and wolf fell in love.

- Oh, my god. It's disgusting.

- Hey, vicky. - Hey, tommy.

- It's actually terry.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - [laughs]

- That's right. I knew that.

- People say that all the time, so...

- Of course, once she married wolf,

Commissioner penisi fast-tracked him

Into the chief spot.

- Oh, yeah, that figures. Same as terry.

[flute playing] - did you guys hear something?

- What's that, cap? - What do you mean?

- I felt a cold shiver in the room.

Did you feel that? - Oh, that's us.

- Ok. - We haunted him.

- Shh. - Oh, hey, ms. Boykins.

Good to see you. - Hey.

- Hey, chief.

Here's the reports you asked for.

- Lukey! - Hey, dad!

[both laugh]

- Who is lukey mcconky's mom?

- Oh, terry met a very nice woman

At his bagpipe class named orla.

- Ugh, "orla."

You know, I don't think any of these people

Are better off without me.

- Well, it all depends who you ask.

They are all very happy. - Ok. Well, you know what?

I've had enough. I'm ready to go back.

- Not quite yet. There's more.

- Hey, mom. Hey, dad.

Someone call for the she wolf? [howls]

- [laughs] I love her so much. - So proud.

- Vicky and wolf have a lucy too?

- They do. - And she's a local cop?

- And not a very good one. - Think fast, mcdorky.

- [groans] - [laughs]

- I got the turkey and the giblets on that one.

- And she's a tool.

- Hey, lukey, drinks tonight?

- You know it, girl. [bell dings]

- Are they hooking up? - Of course.

[laughter]

- Lucy is definitely not better off in either form.

- Well, it's not an exact science.

- Ok. Well, I've seen enough.

Please, no more. - You're sure?

- Yeah, I'm sure. I am sure.

Please, I want to go back. I can't handle this.

Please, I want to go back. - [moaning]

- Yeah, mom! Get some!

- Eddie, remember,

You have to appreciate the people in your crew.

- I do. I do. I want to go back, though.

[both moaning]

- Hit that chip, boss.

- [howls] - [shouts]

- You sure? - Yes, I'm very sure.

- No, no, no, are you sure, eddie?

- Very sure. - You're sure?

- I'm super sure. - [howls]

- Super sure? - Super sure.

- Say it. - I'm super sure.

- Say it one more time. - [howls]

- I'm super sure. - One more time.

- Lawrence, please!

- Yeah! [whooshing]

- [breathes heavily]

- Oh. - Hey, buddy.

- There's the sleepyhead. - Boop.

- Hello. [laughs] - he's there.

- There he is. - Let's wake up. You ok?

- Boop. Boop. - There he is.

Let's sit him up. There you go.

[chatter] - easy, cap.

Easy, man. You bumped your old noggin.

- Yep.

- We were really worried about you.

- Yeah. - You all right?

- I'm back.

I think.

- Oop, oops, oops. - Oh, oh.

- Hey, cap, cap. Still at work, pal.

Don't do that. - Yes!

Oh, only one testicle, one beautiful testicle.

[soft music]

- What are you doing? Hey, stop it!

- Oh, there's that one beautiful nut.

- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

- Yes! Oh, I could just kiss you, you little nut, ooh.

- At least buy a guy a meatball sub first, huh?

- I just had the most horrible dream.

I dreamt that an angel named lawrence

Showed me what life was like if I was never born.

And you were there, granny. And you were there, vicky.

And you were there, terry. And you were there.

And so were you, mickleberry. You were there.

And, ike, you were there too.

- Sure, pal. [chuckles]

- But you were all better off without me.

Granny, you were a multiplatinum-selling

Recording artist. - People still buy albums?

- And, mickleberry, you cured halitosis.

- What's halitosis?

- And, ike, you had psychic powers.

- Oh, man, it would be so much cooler if I could read minds.

But that's still cool.

- Oh, and, terry, you had a son.

- A son?

- But it was just a boy version of lucy.

- Really?

- Dad! - Oh, and, vicky,

You were married to wolf boykins.

- [retches]

- Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.

I'll never be able to unsee that.

But you had a wolf version of lucy.

- There were two of me? - Yeah.

And you were hooking up with yourself.

- That tracks. - It was an incredible journey,

Where I learned that you all weren't taking me for granted.

It's me that's been taking all of you for granted.

- Hm. - Aww.

- Granny, I will encourage your parody songs from now on.

- You know, it reminds me.

I just came up with a parody jingle for fizzle fruit.

It's called "fruit 66." listen.

But it's a play on "route 66." [laughter]

- That's awesome, which is originally

A "weird al" yankovic song, "route 66."

- No, that--ike, that's not--

- Uh, yeah, it is. Look it up, cap. [chuckles]

- Ike, it-- I'm not going to--

- Eddie, you need to appreciate your group.

Appreciate your group!

- I do. I do.

I appreciate them. I really do. I do.

- Who are you talking to, eddie?

- No one.

Hey, I want to make breakfast for everyone.

Who's in the mood for some eggs penisi?

- There you go. There you go. - Yeah!

- Me! - Hey, I'll take some.

- Oh.

Hey, who put all this crap back in the fridge?

- I did. I "barely" had time to restock it.

[laughter] - good one.

- [laughs] ok. That's fine. That's fine.

You know, I can work with this.

I'm sure there are some eggs in here, huh?

Let me take a look.

[all exclaiming]

- Son of a bitch.

Oh, god.

- Appreciate your crew.

Appreciate your crew!

- You know what? Fuck that shit.

Granny, "fruit 66" is a stupid idea for a song.

And, ike, "route 66" was written

About 20 years before weird al yankovic was even born.

- I didn't even say that.

- And I thought I told you guys to get rid of

All this fruity seltzer water!

- Cap, cap, what about the angel?

Remember? - There is no angel.

Like, the whole thing was a bad dream.

- Okay. - You get it?

- Yeah, I get it. - A dream.

[trombone whomping]

- [shouts]

Fuck you, eddie penisi!

- Eh, what are you going to do?

Mickleberry, clean the stuff up.

- High-five, bro. Best of friends.

[rock music] [sighs]

[rock music]

- I'm looking at it. I'm giving it to you.

- A pickle. - Nope.

- Cucumber.

- No. Pickle and cucumber are the same thing.

- Sadness. - No, no, they're all shapes.

- Yes, I said sandwich. - No.

- Did you think I said something else?

- Concentrate. Press your temples harder.

- An armadillo with a bow tie. - No, no, no, no.

- A bow tie, I said. - You know what? It's not.

- I don't think you're concentrating because

I have to concentrate on you.

Then you concentrate on me, right?

- Let's just take a few minutes. Take five.

I don't think this is working right now.

- Delivery for captain eddie penisi.

- Ooh, that's me. Ha, ha, ha, free stuff.

- Hmm. Wonder what it could be.

- Don't look at those cards. Don't peek.

- I'm not going to. I never have.

- I'm looking at you. - I know.

I can see you. - Here we go.

Thank you.

[laughs] flavored seltzer water.

How did you know?

[laughter] - gotcha.

- Oh, yeah. - I suppose I deserve that.

And just to show you that I can take a joke,

I'm going to drink some of this crap you guys like so much.

- Dig in, cap. You're going to love it.

- There you go. - Mm-hmm.

Mm. Mmm.

[sighs] with the mere mention of raspberry sriracha.

[ding]

- It's a hell of a new flavor, don't you think?

[ominous music]

I got you a lifetime supply.

[maniacal laughter]

- [screams]