Original subtitles

- Oh, man.

Another valentine's day ruined.

- Uh, my money's on somebody's dick stuck in something.

- Or something stuck in some girl's yoo-hoo.

- I'm going with two people stuck together.

- Ew, how's that happen?

- Four years ago, two guys

With a chinese finger trap.

Jaws of life. You do the math.

- Nah.

- Man, wait.

- Huh?

All right.

[laughs] - aww.

- Hey, man, remember to knock.

- I know.

Tacoma fd!

- Yes! Please, come in.

- Oh.

- Thank god. Get me down.

- We can't stop the fan because my idiot husband

Lost the remote. - I didn't lose it.

You lost it.

- Don't even try to blame me.

You can't keep track of anything.

[light music]

- Well, there you go.

- [laughs] - uh-oh.

- Oh, hello. - Whoa.

- Could somebody get me down?

I really have to pee.

- Why don't you just go in the cupid diaper?

- Wow, great idea.

[moaning in relief]

- Oh.

- Oh! [laughs]

I found the remote.

I mean, I think this is it.

[fan whirring] - whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

[both groan]

- Oh, my pelvis.

- My ribs.

- Well, the things we do for love.

Happy valentine's day, everyone.

- Happy valentine's day, cap.

Let's get you undone here. Are you all right, sir?

[foreigner's "hot blooded"]

- ♪ well, I'm hot-blooded ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪

- Four letter word for galactic princess.

- Leia? - Leia, what's that from?

- "star wars." - never heard of it.

- Whoo--ee. Boy, I love valentine's day.

Best day of the year. - I don't know about that, cap.

I'm kind of bummed that I'm missin' it at the club.

This is a huge money day for us.

- Don't you always get injured at the club on valentine's day?

- I mean, yeah, there's some unwanted yanking

And scratching and the odd donkey punch,

But it's just a massive tip day for us.

- Massive tips? - Massive tips, yeah.

We work mainly on tips. - I just didn't--I didn't know

If I heard you right. - No, massive tits are there,

But that's Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday nights.

- Damn, cap. How many valentine's day cards

You sendin' out? - Ah, just eight.

These cards'll go out with the chocolates and the lingerie,

Which is really just a gift for myself.

And tacomagnolias just delivered

My personally designed flower baskets,

The eddie penisi special,

Which have a 112% success rate.

- Wait, how do you have 112% success rate?

- 'cause sometimes the florist falls in love with me too.

- Damn. - Oh, brother.

- Honestly, that sounds exhausting.

- You mean exhilarating, lucy.

Valentine's day is the best holiday of the year.

You've got love. You've got romance.

You get to woo people. - Wait.

Aren't you dating marnie from dispatch?

- No, that was last year. Now I'm dating gigi

From dispatch, but we have an open relationship.

- Which is code for "I'm cheating."

- No, I'm not cheating. It's fine.

- Another delivery for lucy.

- Oh, uh, throw it on the pile,

But I'll take the card.

- Why are you bending the card? - 'cause last year,

I accidentally threw out a couple gift cards,

And I don't wanna make that mistake again.

- Hey, everyone. - Vicky.

- What's up? How's it going? - Yo, yo.

- How's it goin' here? - What up?

- Hi, vic. - Mr. Mcconky,

You forgot this.

- Thank you, mrs. Mcconky.

- All right, well, see you later.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's it? No kiss?

No "happy valentine's day"?

It's valentine's day.

- Eddie, valentine's day is

To relationships what st. Patrick's day is

To drinking. It's amateur hour.

- Okay, so you're saying you guys are romantic

When it's not valentine's day?

- What we're saying is that we don't need

All of this holiday fluff.

- You guys don't get each other valentine's day gifts?

- Yeah, actually a couple years ago,

I got her a silicone mixing spoon,

But that was really a gift for myself.

[laughs] - a silicone mixing spoon

For valentine's day?

What is wrong with you? - No, no.

You should see this thing scoop mashed potatoes.

It's unbelievable. They don't stick.

- Oh, they don't stick. - They don't stick.

- It's a great spoon. - It'll never melt.

- Oh, my god, vicky, if ever there was proof

That you were adopted, this is it.

What kind of a penisi doesn't like valentine's day?

- You know what, we've been together for decades, okay?

Why don't you try staying married

For more than six months,

And then we'll talk?

All: Oh! - That's a burn.

How 'bout some aloe for that burn?

- No, it's not a burn. It's sad.

- Now I'm gonna go, but first, watch this, eddie.

Oh, see? What do you think about that?

- I feel pity for you.

- I pity you. Bye.

- Bye. - Bye, vic.

- Delivery for lucy mcconky.

- Mickleberry.

- You can give that to me.

- Go get 'em, probie. - Hey, chief, look.

Ed sheeran got a perm. [laughs]

- Who was that from? - Don't know, don't care.

- Jeez, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

- What does that mean? - What it means is,

Lucy has grown up watching your boring romance,

Or, as I like to call it, a "no-mance."

She's never seen real romance in her life.

- It's so true. She doesn't know how to respond

To all of this. - Okay, stay out of this.

It's not my fault.

- Well, she doesn't like valentine's day,

And she hates public displays

Of affection. - It's true, chiefy.

Because of you, lucy will never experience

The excitement of courtly love.

- Hey, keep kurt cobain's wife out of this.

[laughs] [alarm blares]

- Okay. - Engine 24, rescue at--

- That's on you, chiefy.

- That's ridiculous.

It's not on me. - Yeah, it's on you.

- Ridiculous.

[upbeat rock music]

- I'm crusty, but also sticky,

Like a crème brûlée.

- So tell me, how is it that not one

Of those workers that fell into that giant vat

Of egg yolks knew how to swim?

- More importantly,

That cake factory was way out

Of our response area.

Why would dispatch send us? - Right?

- Seriously, why is gigi sending us on calls

That aren't even in our district?

- Come on, guys. It's a routine call.

Let's stop whining. - Well, that's easy

For you to say.

You didn't have to jump

Into a vat of egg yolks.

- Well, I'm the captain.

One day, when you're the captain,

You can delegate too.

In the meantime, hit the showers.

You guys are disgusting.

- Last one is a rotten egg.

- That's funny.

[faint upbeat music]

- [grunts]

[jason akana's "in your skies"]

- ♪ so glad that we are here ♪

- Shh. - What, what, what?

Oh.

- ♪ take a ride and hold on ♪

- Gotta give it to the guy.

It's a strong move. - Totally.

"say anything" used to be my go-to movie

With the ladies. - I love that movie.

- ♪ want this moment to ♪

- Oh, oh.

- ♪ I'll go anywhere ♪

♪ do anything with you ♪

♪ to the moon and back ♪

♪ back again with you ♪

- Oh.

- You said it, dad. Amateur hour.

- It is on me.

I've ruined my daughter.

- I told you.

- Vicky, we need to talk.

[alarm blaring]

- Station 24, fire in progress

At frost park.

Please respond.

- Whoa, whoa. Frost park?

That's station 1, isn't it?

What the hell is gigi doin'?

- I picked this call for you, eddie.

- Did you do something to her?

- Not really. - Not really?

- I broke up with her. - When?

- This morning. - Wait, you broke up

With dispatch on valentine's day, cap?

- Not a big deal. - Did you use

Your a game breakup?

- No, more like my c game.

- C g--that's not enough game, cap! Come on!

- What's everybody getting all worked up about?

- A dozen port-a-potties are on fire

At the chili festival.

Eddie, it'll smell just like

The rotting excrement you call a soul.

This is gonna be the worst valentine's day of your life.

- Sounds like it's gonna be the worst valentine's day

Of all of our lives.

- Thanks a lot, uncle eddie.

- Ah, come on. Load it up.

[upbeat rock music]

- [groans]

- [scatting]

- Hey, man. We're sufferin' because

Of what you did to gigi. - What did I do?

- You broke up with her on valentine's day.

- Why does the day matter?

I didn't wanna date her anymore, so I ended things.

It's very simple. - You could've waited a day.

- You're saying you wanted me to lie to her,

Lead her on through the holiday,

Have sex with her all night, and then

Break up with her in the morning?

- Okay, I don't think any of us

Factored in the sex part.

- Ike, it's valentine's day.

- I know, cap. It's just...

It's really frustrating. - Oh, come on, cap.

You dumped her just so you could go do

Your whole valentine's day thing.

Just this morning, you were gloating

About raw-doggin' it and flower baskets

And open relationships.

- Well, that was after we broke up.

I thought it was best to hit the ground running.

- Well, now you have to get back together with her.

- [laughs] no, no, no, no.

She'll get over it. It's okay. - That's easy

For you to say, cap. You're not the one covered

In blue stuff and chili shit.

- Chili shit. - Chili shit.

- Okay, guys, just relax.

This will pass. Everything's gonna be fine.

[phone vibrates] oh, hold on.

- Are you kidding right now? - [laughs]

Hey, cha cha ramirez just got her chocolate basket.

Looks like I could be doing the cha-cha tonight.

Excuse me, guys.

- Despicable. - We gotta take matters

Into our own hands.

- The guy did the "say anything"

Boom box routine, and she shut him down.

- Okay, that movie came out

When we were in middle school.

She's probably never even seen it.

- Everyone knows that movie.

- [scoffs] 'cause it's cheesy.

- [laughing nervously] totally, that's what I was gonna say.

Totally. It's cheesy.

- Terry, were you gonna say it's cool?

- "say anything"? [laughing] come on. Really?

"say anything"? No, no, no.

What I was gonna say was, maybe she hasn't seen it

Because she doesn't watch rom-coms.

- Oh. - I checked

Her netflix history. - How do you have

Her netflix account?

- She's still on ours. - [sighs]

We really have to cut her off.

- Here's what I've discovered.

- Okay. - "manufacturing a killer,"

"the boioioing bandit,"

"the world's most dangerous brothels,"

"'empanyada' kings of argentina."

- First of all, it's "empanada."

- That's what I said, "empanyada."

- Empanada. - "empanyada."

- Second of all, who cares?

So she likes docuseries.

- There's not one rom-com in there.

- And? - Girls love rom-coms.

- [growls] that is so sexist.

- You love rom-coms. - What?

- I checked your history. - No, you have not.

Don't. [gasps] - huh?

- Terry. - Look.

Huh? "the queen without affection,"

"the suffragette who never got touched,"

"12 years without tenderness." - uh-huh.

- "the unromanced handmaid," all period pieces.

- I like period pieces, okay?

They are classy.

You know what? I wanna take a gander at yours.

- Go ahead. I got nothing to hide.

- "expendables," one, two, three, and four,

"rocky" one, two, three, four, and five.

- Five is the best one. - "first blood,"

"rambo: First blood part ii,"

"rambo iii," "rambo iv: Last blood."

[scoffs] this is all sylvester stallone,

Except for "guardians of the galaxy 2."

- Uh, he's in that one also.

- Okay, you know what?

What have we learned from this exercise?

- That we all watch netflix alone?

- Besides that. - There are a stack

Of valentine's cards out there that she's not responding to.

We have set a bad example for lucy.

- You know what, terry? You're right.

You're right. We're the parents.

It's up to us. We gotta make our daughter

Believe in romance.

[line trilling] - [shushing] stop it.

First of all, I'm doing it, so everybody shut up.

- Tacomagnolias, how may I help?

- [as eddie] yeah, this is, uh, eddie penisi.

Uh, with whom am I, uh, speakin'?

- Hi, eddie. This is amber.

- [as eddie] hey, uh, "amb-uh," how youse doin'?

Uh, I was wonderin' if I could order one more

Of those eddie penisi special flower arrangements...

[squeakily] delivered today.

- [whispering] that sucks so bad.

She's not gonna buy that. - Do you mean

The eddie penisi "special" special?

- I think so.

Oh!

- Okay, you have the eddie penisi "special" special

On standby for the special lady of the day.

- [as eddie] yeah, she's special-special.

Send to gigi bonano, tfd dispatch,

45 florida avenue, 93453.

Put a rush on that, and throw in a few flowers

For yourself, amber.

You're prettier than the sun settin'

On a waterfall in springtime. - [laughs]

- Oh, thanks, eddie.

I'm around this weekend if you wanna hang out.

- Yeah, sure. Why not?

[as himself] what just happened?

- "prettier than a waterfall." [laughs]

- Penisi was flowing through you, man.

- I know. I could feel him enter me

And then leave.

- Ugh. - Yeah, that's gross.

- Well--what, what? Why?

- Do you know why st. Valentine got a day named after him?

- I think he chased the prostitutes outta ireland

Or something. I don't know.

I get my holidays mixed up.

- Hey-o. Whatcha doing?

- Oh, just playing chess, talking about prostitutes.

- Oh, cool, cool, cool. Sounds educational. [chuckles]

- Oh, hey, guys.

How's it goin'?

H--hi, my love.

- Look at my gorgeous girl.

- Oh, come here. Both: Mmm.

- Whew. - Whoa.

Both: Mwah.

- [exhales dramatically]

Whoa. - Oh, hey.

Did I forget my phone again?

- No, no.

Yeah, I left this morning and I was,

Uh--I was thinking about what eddie said,

And I--I was like, "you know what?

"we have been discreet about our love, but why?

"this is the valentine's day that we show everyone

Just how romantic we are."

- [groans] mm.

Both: Mmm.

- Why are they looking at us?

- [laughs] oh, speaking of that...

- Mm-hmm? - I got you

A very special gift.

- What is happening?

- On this valentine's day... - Uh-huh.

- I wanted to get something for your mother

To show her that I love her.

- Oh.

Terry. [gasps]

That is just... [gasps]

Beautiful. Oh, wow. Look.

[clears throat]

Wait, is this silver?

- Uh, yeah, yeah. Why, what's wrong with silver?

- [laughs] - mom's allergic to silver.

How do you not know that, dad?

- Hmm. - You know what?

That's--that's okay. Okay?

That's all right, honey. I'm just gonna tough this out.

Okay? 'cause that's--

That's just a little itchy wrist and...

[sniffles] a rash is starting too,

But that is just a small price to pay

For romance. - Right?

- And you know what? I got you something too.

- A gift for me? - Uh-huh.

A token of my love...

On valentine's day.

- Chocolates? - Mm-hmm.

- [laughs] I love chocolates.

- Of course you do. [both laugh]

- May I? - By all means.

- Oh, yeah. There it is.

Mm-hmm. - [laughing] oh.

- Mm.

- [clears throat] this a caramel?

- Yeah, what's wrong with caramel?

- Dad hates caramel. - Yeah.

- He hates nougat. - Oh, no. I love nougat.

[laughs] I can't believe you forgot that I hate caramel.

We've talked about it for many years.

- Well, I can't believe that you forgot

That I'm allergic to silver.

- Well, I'm sorry I forget

Which shiny metals you're allergic to.

- We've been married a really long time,

And you should know that by now.

- And I have had exactly zero caramels

In that long time.

- You wanna go roll hoses?

- Yeah, whatever. - Mm-kay.

- Okay, guys. - Yeah.

- All right. - Okay.

- [clears throat]

- Take care.

- That could not have gone worse.

- I think I did very well. - You think you...

Look at my arm. - What's wrong with your arm?

- It's itchy. - Oh, suck it up.

- I can't move it. - Are you kidding me?

- Take it off. - God.

- Delivery for eddie penisi.

- Yeah, that's me. - It's from gigi bonano.

You sent it, but she returned it.

- I didn't send this to her.

- Yeah, neither did we.

Come on, bro. Get it right.

- Did you guys send this to gigi?

- Huh? - No, man.

Prince harry was fucking lyin'.

- Cap, yeah. You can't trust that guy.

- Mickleberry?

- It was them. - Mick!

That was going perfectly.

- You idiots.

This is the eddie penisi "special" special.

It's a morning-after basket

For the special lady that just spent the night.

Look, electrolyte recovery drink,

Morning-after pill. There's some chocolate

In case she feels sad or happy, and most importantly,

A signed eddie penisi 8x10.

"you're one in a million" to make 'em feel unique.

- Station 24, we have a rotting cow carcass

Stuck in a sewage overflow drainage pipe.

Please respond, and thanks for the whore basket, eddie.

- One, two, three, toilet duty.

[light music]

Okay, just to show you guys I'm a team player,

I'm gonna handle this one.

- Gee, thanks. - Awesome.

[saw buzzing]

- Come on! [all grumbling]

- Stop! [all yelling]

- Oh, I'm lactose intolerant!

No, don't! It's getting on me!

- Aah!

- Gross!

- Ugh, come on.

Did you have to cut through the udder?

- Yeah, it's a cow. - [coughing]

- [gags]

[upbeat music]

- [sighs]

I don't know what's worse, the cow,

The overturned orange juice truck with extra pulp,

Or the human hair dumpster fire at the barbershop.

- Now I'ma have nightmares about burnt human hair smell.

- You gotta fix this, cap.

- Have you tried being honest with her?

- That's what started all this.

- Well, maybe it's time to lie.

- No, I am not lying, and lemme just remind you guys

That all those calls were real calls

From people in need.

I suggest all of you get cleaned up

Before the next call comes in.

- First shower!

- [as eddie] hey, uh, dispatch.

This is eddie penisi,

And I'd like to speak to gigi bonano.

Kid, work your magic.

- I don't think it's very romantic when we go out

To dinner and you ride me for eating too much bread.

- You tell me to do that.

[as terry] don't let me eat any bread.

It ruins my appetite.

[grumbling]

- Well, your tone could be nicer.

- [groans] - you guys still fightin'

Over romance in here?

- No, no, no, no, no. Just...

Just havin' mom and dad talk.

- Look, I'm sorry your little ruse backfired on you.

- Uh, which ruse is that? - Oh, the one where you were

Trying to show me how romantic you are.

- What? [both laugh]

- That's ridiculous.

- Oh, you thought that if you showed me

How you can be romantic on valentine's day,

That I'd see it's okay to be romantic.

But I know it's okay.

- You do?

- I like romance,

But I just don't want all the showy stuff--

Chocolates and flowers on the same day

That everybody else does it.

I like your kind of romance,

The effortless kind and the kind where

You know you love someone because of how comfortable

You are together.

[laughs] I want someone who will buy me

A silicone mixing spoon because the mashed potatoes

Don't stick to it. - They don't stick to it.

- Oh, that stainless steel handle is just so good.

- See, this is what I'm talking about.

You guys are perfect for each other.

I want this, and until then,

All the "say anything" boom box guys can take a hike.

- You know that movie? - Yeah, of course.

That moment gives me dumb chills.

- Thank you.

- Me too. Totally, me too. - [laughs]

- Dumb chills. [laughs]

- Oh, whoa. Both: What?

- What is this? - What?

- It's like this-- - what is it?

- Is that a hair?

- Is that mine? - It's in your ear.

It's in your ear. Oh, my gosh. - Oh!

- Ew! Aah! - Ugh.

[gags]

- What is that? - Oh, come on.

Uncle eddie dumped gigi from dispatch this morning,

And now she's sending us on all the worst calls in the city.

- Breaking up with dispatch?

Bad move on valentine's day. [laughs]

- [sighs] you're telling me. All right, lovebirds,

I'm gonna go take another shower.

- She's a good kid. - Yeah.

We did all right.

- [clicks tongue]

[both exhale heavily]

[smacks lips]

Think this would be a romantic time for a kiss or...

- Uh, I guess so.

- Oh.

Mm. - [clears throat]

Yeah, that was good.

- Really good. [laughing] yeah, okay.

- High five.

- Good one.

I was thinking about buying new dinner plates.

- Hmm.

- [laughs] right? - Yep.

- Eddie penisi.

[upbeat tense music]

- Gigi?

What happened to your foot?

- Shut the fuck up.

Like you give a shit.

I don't have a lot of time, so make it quick.

- Um, what do you mean?

- What do you mean, "what do I mean"?

You told me to come down here.

You said it was life or death.

- Oh, well, that was irresponsible of me.

Why did I do that, I wonder?

- I think it was because you wanted to beg

For mercy or something.

- Okay, okay.

Gigi, I am sorry about the timing,

But did you really want me to lie to you

Just because it's valentine's day?

- Eddie, you are lying.

You did this because it's valentine's day

So that you can go hook up with other girls

On your favorite holiday.

- No, no. That's not true, gigi.

I am not looking to be with anybody else.

Okay, if I am being totally honest,

I found somebody who has changed me.

I've decided to settle down with her.

And I didn't know how to tell you that

Because I didn't wanna hurt you.

- Bullshit. Who?

- Oh.

- Gigi, this is vicky.

We're in love.

- Super in love. - Very in love.

- They're the most in love. - Very in love.

Both: Yeah. - I've never seen two people--

- Yeah, when they started dating,

We were like, "wow, that's perfect."

- [clears throat] yeah, great.

Nice to meet you, gigi.

- Prove it. Kiss her.

- No, no. We don't believe in pda.

- No, hell no. We don't do that.

- High-school stuff. - You're mr. Pda, eddie.

Kiss her.

- Okay, okay. Um, okay.

Of course I will.

Yeah. Why not?

- Mm. Okay. There we are.

- That doesn't look like an "I'm in love" kiss at all.

- Actually, that's the way my wife and I kiss

All the time. - Then I feel sorry for you.

- Okay, great.

- Kiss her.

- [grunts] - [quietly] please, please.

- Okay, yeah. Sure.

[moans]

Mm-hmm. - Mm.

- [crying] - [groans]

- Oh, god.

- [exhales] - there you go.

Love of my life.

- That's... Disgusting.

You don't think I know that that's your sister?

- What?

- Oh, that's vicky penisi.

She was three years ahead of me in high school.

This is the level you would go to

To lie to me.

You're deranged.

You know what? You are all off the hook

'cause I don't even care.

Thank you for showing me

What I'm not missing.

Thank you for opening my eyes.

I'm glad I'm not with you. Goodbye.

- Bye, gigi. Have a good one.

- Fuck you.

- We did it. Ay!

Happy valentine's day, everyone.

I am eddie penisi.

- [grunts] all: Oh!

- Good punch, vic. - [laughs]

That punch was hot, honey. [laughs]

Happy valentine's day.

- Yeah.

- [grunts] - [sighs]

Wow.

Oh, wow.

- Are you sure this is a thing?

- Yeah, it's called "cosplay."

- "costplay"?

- Cosplay.

- Costplay? - Cosplay. Cosplay.

- That sounds like a made-up word.

- What do you think?

- How'd they do anything in this?

I can't even move.

- This does kind of suck.

- You wanna just do nurse

And firefighter again?

- Totally. - Yeah, okay.

- [sighs]

Where's the fire?

- Right here in my heart, chief mcconky.

[upbeat music]

Oh, that's weird, right?

- Yeah, I didn't like that. - Yeah.

- Let's just watch a movie? - Ooh, stallone?

- No fucking way.

- "say anything"?