Original subtitles

- Okay, listen up.

Finally, official department photos are next week.

So mark your calendars. Make your preparations.

- Hey-o. - Mm.

- We need a week to prepare? - Well, you might.

But I don't because I'm noyce.

- [chuckles] noyce.

- Hey, this is your first department photo, probie, hmm?

- Yeah. - It's important.

We do it every few years, and we use it

For all kinds of professional things.

Id cards, press releases, newspaper articles.

- Cool, how do I get my picture in the newspaper?

- You die. - What?

- These are also affectionately known

As the "firefighter death photo."

It's the picture they use for your obituary.

- So not to be taken lightly

Unless you want to end up

Like captain boris chaffee.

Triple chin chaffee.

All: Triple chin chaffee.

[laughter] - there he is.

- He was a revered captain.

He died saving an entire school bus full of kids.

And he was pretty good-lookin', but...

He did not take picture day seriously.

And this is how he will always be remembered.

- It looks like he's wearing a necklace of chins.

- I always wondered if that bus landed on his face.

- All he had to do was hold that chin up.

- And grow a mustache for christ's sake.

- Come on. - I mean, come on.

- And close your mouth.

- You know, he was actually kind of a dick.

- Yeah, with the smelliest feet.

- And he was a close-talker. - And terrible breath.

- Liar. - Big gambler.

- Philanderer.

- Stole a lot of stuff from the station.

- But he did save those kids.

- That's true. - Yes, yes.

- Yes. May he rest in peace.

Both: Yeah, rest in peace. - Yeah.

- Rest in peace. - Rest in peace.

[foreigner's "hot blooded"]

- ♪ well, I'm hot-blooded ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪

- Hey-o.

Who's ready for picture day, huh?

- Yeah, chief, do you want some breakfast?

- Nope, I'm gonna stay lean today

For a good, professional photo.

- It's a good call, chief. - Oh.

- Oh, boy.

- What's wrong with your shoulder?

- I tweaked it pulling up my comforter.

- What, do you have, like,

A weighted blanket or something?

- Nah, just high-quality comforter.

- It's time to switch

To the lightweight summer comforter.

- I don't know. I like to sweat.

- If I had a dime...

- Hey, lucy, don't make fun

Of your dad's failing health.

- I'm not failing. Just got a bad shoulder.

- [chuckling] okay.

- What is happenin' here?

- Who you takin' to the prom, there, tin tin?

- Okay, settle down.

Probie, this is exactly the picture day energy I like.

Huh? The hair, the teeth.

Look at him. Perfect.

- Yeah, yeah. The kid looks good.

The rest of you could learn something from the probie

And take some pride in your photo.

- For what?

They always get my lighting wrong,

And my pictures suck.

- What am I supposed to do, wear makeup?

- Do my hair?

- Maybe you should do your hair.

Your mother bought you that nice new blow-dryer online.

- That thing's from europe.

And it doesn't even have the right plugs.

- A little effort would go a long way.

- If you care so much, where is all your effort, guy?

- This face needs no effort, guy.

- It is very distinguished, cap.

- Thank you, mickleberry.

- Distinguished is just another word for old.

- Lucy, that's ageism. - Mm-hmm.

- At least your dad and I care.

Yes, he is over 50

With an uninsurable bmi and shoulder pain.

But the man is foregoing his breakfast

For the death photos.

That's sacrifice.

- Hey! Dingleberry? Who did that?

[both chuckling]

Was this you? - No, it wasn't me.

- Was that you?

- No, I don't even know how to sew, chief.

That's crazy. - All right, listen up.

These photos are gonna be professional.

You're gonna sit up straight. You're gonna smile.

And don't be the jokester trying to sneak in

Dirty messages.

- Do not be the jokester.

- All right. - Carry on.

You look good, mickleberry.

- I did do it.

- [chuckles] - I knew it.

- I knew it. - I do know how to sew.

- What are you doing? - Oh, god!

- Are you putting on makeup?

- Wha-- [chuckles]

No.

I mean, yes.

I am putting on makeup,

Uh, to cover my hickeys.

- On your forehead? - You should see her face.

- Barf. - Oh, whatever.

When two people love each other,

That's what they do.

- Wait, you've never covered up

Hickeys before.

- [gasps] because those are no hickeys.

Those are botox bruises.

- What? No way.

- Yeah, way, I watched four seasons

Of "botox bunnies" on trutv.

I know exactly what I'm looking at.

- Okay, fine. Yes, I got botox.

And it's not the first time.

Only this time, I got triple the ccs.

- Doesn't look any different.

- Ah, it hasn't kicked in yet.

But at any given moment, this face is gonna freeze,

And these worry lines will be blasted

Back to 1986.

You should try it sometime. - I look just fine.

- Sure you do.

Whatever you do, don't tell your dad.

- Why not? - Well...

[chuckles] look at this harley clifford-jones.

He's got rooster throat but a smooth forehead.

He's not fooling anyone.

- Botox is for dorks.

- I totally agree.

There's nothing more attractive

Than aging gracefully.

- Bullshit, penisi.

Botox is right up your alley. - That's ridiculous.

- I bet you 5 grand you use it within the next ten years.

- [chuckles] you're on.

I will never do botox.

- Oh, ho.

- I am three weeks away from winning that bet.

And I want that money.

- Why are you risking it

With three weeks to go?

- I've actually been on botox

The last ten years.

In fact, I was on botox when we made the bet.

- You hypocrite. - Well...

- You will be splitting this with me, 50-50.

- Bullshit.

- Well, do you want to win 2,500

Or lose 5 grand when I tell my dad?

- Oh, you are a rotten little street rat.

Okay, fine. You're on.

But don't you say a word to anybody.

- Nice doing business with you, you vain asshole.

- Get out of here.

- Goodness gracious.

Will you stop with the primping?

- Easy for you to say. When you're balding,

All you have to do is shave your head.

- Excuse you?

- This could be my first and last

Department photo, granny.

- Yeah, it's about to be.

- [groaning] oh, god.

- Firefighting is a dangerous job.

Chief was right to say, "take the photo seriously."

Especially when you're as old as he is.

- What?

- You're constantly cheating death.

- He's right, chief.

You are much closer to death than all of us.

- We're the same age.

[grunts] - yeah, but...[sighs]

You're the old same age. I'm the young same age.

My psyche's in a much better place

'cause I don't feel old. You know why that is?

- I know why.

- It's a little something called "dostadning."

- Dodadning? - Dostadning.

- Dodesting? - Dostadning.

- Tostitos? - It means "death cleaning."

It's a swedish custom my second wife taught me about.

When you get to a certain age,

It's the process of unburdening yourself

Of unnecessary belongings.

- Sounds like european bullshit to me.

- Oh, I read about that.

You get rid of your physical clutter,

And it eliminates your mental clutter.

You feel younger. - That's right, probie.

Even the probie knows.

- This whole thing sounds stupid.

Oh, god, ah.

- Oh, my god. - Ouch.

- I have a delivery for granfield smith

From tacoma creative photo.

- Oh, shoot.

- Um... [laughs]

Wow, I asked you to deliver that outside.

- What'd you get, granny? - Just some body cam stuff.

- Oh, cool, cool, cool. - [chuckles]

- [groaning] oh, boy.

- You know, you really should get that shoulder checked out.

- Ah, it's just old age.

I know you're full of false bravado.

But does this old age talk ever bother you?

- Nah, I still kick so much ass.

You know, I meant what I said out there.

I have no mental clutter,

And it keeps me feeling young.

But you are clutter city.

You can't even let go of old electric razors.

- Why would I throw away good batteries.

- Well, you need a good dostadning.

You gotta declutter yourself.

Throw away something you don't want anymore.

- That's rough.

Oh, you know that throw pillow you gave me?

- [chuckles] the one where I'm eating

The chicken wings on it? Yeah, yeah.

- This one. - [laughs]

"sit on this."

Oh, man. That thing is hysterical.

- It's pretty funny.

I'm gettin' rid of it.

- Okay.

Okay. How'd that feel?

- I feel like I just unbuckled my belt

After a rack of ribs. [chuckles]

You were right. I never liked that pillow.

But you did. So I held onto it.

And, frankly, it was a burden. - Okay.

- [sighs] but now I feel lighter.

- That's what dostadning is all about.

- Then I'm dostadning -ing-ing-ing.

- Yeah, you are.

- Okay. - [laughs]

[face creaking]

Lucy.

- Oh, you look pleased with yourself.

- The botox kicked in while I was being smug.

Now I'm stuck in "smug face." - what?

- How the hell am I gonna hide this?

- I need to avoid terry until this wears off.

- You're gonna avoid him for the next three months?

You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.

- You mean the cat that got the cream?

- Don't you dare correct me

With that smug look on your face.

- Hey-o. - Cover me.

50-50, remember. - It's 60-40 now.

- Such a street rat.

- Eddie, you look like the cat that caught the mouse.

- Gotta run. - Huh, okay.

Ever get the feeling he's too cocky?

- Every single day.

- Lucy...

I've decided to do the swedish dostadning.

And in the interest of decluttering,

I've decided to get something off my chest.

- Okay.

- You know how you always asked me

Why you didn't have a birthday party

Until you were seven?

- Yes, I recall.

- Well, in 1998,

Ken griffey jr. Led the american league

With 55 home runs.

On September 25th,

He was going for a career high 56.

And I had the tickets. - Oh.

- But, unexpectedly, vicky went into labor with you

And I had to give up those tickets.

[chuckles]

That night, when I was in the hospital,

Ken griffey jr. Hit his 56th home run.

And because of your birth, I missed it.

- I think you made the right call

Being there for you daughter--

- And for seven long years, I held it against you.

It was a very difficult post-partum time for me.

But now I'm over it.

Whoo. [chuckles]

That feels great. Wow.

[chuckles] okay.

- Are you fucking kidding?

- Excuse me, hey, chief, did you want to see me or...

- Oh, yeah. Come on in, sit down.

- Uh, was it just me

Or was it mickleberry and them too?

- Just you.

- Um, if this is about all, like, the protein shake

And everything that was left out,

I think mickleberry might have got into that.

That might not...

- This is not about mickleberry.

This is something else.

As a result of my dostadning,

I've decided to give you

One of my most prized possessions.

My joke collection. - Why me?

- Well, I know you have trouble completing your jokes.

I thought this could help you out.

- I mean, I-- it's not that I have trouble

Completing jokes. It's that, you know,

Sometimes I'm trying to think of, like, the perfect--

- [chuckles] my joke collection.

- Oh, whoa. [chuckles] cool.

What--it's gotta be, like, 50 popsicle sticks in here.

- Thousands. And I've sucked 'em all.

- Each one has a joke on it? - Yeah.

My kids didn't want them, so I figured

I'd give them to you.

- Ah, wait, your kids didn't want these?

- Yeah, weird, right?

- So many. Okay, uh...

"what's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?"

Both: The pavement!

[both laugh]

- 'cause you're gonna fall off and hit your head.

- You picked the best one right off the bat.

[laughs] - oh, that is so funny.

All right--wait, "what kind of a car

Does an egg drive?"

"a yolkswagon."

Yolkswagon? - Yolks-wagon?

- "a yo..." [laughs]

Yolkswagon. - [chuckles]

- Oh, man.

- I didn't get it the first time either.

- Wait, do you want me to give you

A handful too and we can, like, go back and forth?

- No, no, I think that's-- that'll be all.

You're dismissed.

- Ugh, so sticky. [chuckles]

You know what, chief?

I actually was having a hard time telling jokes.

- Don't draw it out. You can go.

- Do you want it open or closed?

- Uh, you can keep it open. - You got it, chief.

Yeah! - Yeah.

[sighs]

Dostadning. Dostadning.

Doo-stadning.

Dostadning. Wow.

- This book is so, so sad.

I think I'm gonna cry.

- Hey, anybody know

When the photographer showin' up?

- Don't know, don't care.

- What you lookin' for? - What?

Uh, nothing.

Has anyone seen an international plug adapter?

- What do you need it for? - My radio.

- You still have a plug-in radio?

Cool. - [chuckles]

"because they live in schools."

[snorts] this one gets me every time.

- Ike, those popsicle sticks still look wet.

Please tell me you boiled them.

- Uh, no. I'm not gonna boil them, lucy.

'cause that would erase the jokes.

The jokes are printed on here. You know that, right?

Oh, here's one. Hey, here, I got one.

"what is a cow's favorite form of entertainment?"

- Moo-vies.

- [laughs] - [laughs sarcastically]

- Hey, man, what's with that smug look on your face?

It hasn't changed for an hour.

- This is the way I always look.

- Hey, cap, did you get the botox for the picture?

- What? No, probie, be quiet.

- You did. You're frozen.

- Whoops. [chuckles]

- Okay, fine. A little bit.

- Look at you,

Mr. "I don't care about the photo. I don't age."

[scoffs] so disappointing.

- Okay, just keep it quiet.

- Wait, cap, I got one for you.

"what goes up but doesn't come down?"

"your age." [laughs]

It's, like, the perfect one.

Literally the perfect one for this moment.

- [chuckles weakly]

- I feel like the strawberry ones

Are always the funniest.

- Hey, eddie, can I see you in my office?

- Me? Now?

- Yeah, now. Stop being so smug.

- But I'm not being smug.

Oh, boy.

- Eddie, sit down. - Nah, I'ma stand.

- No, please, sit down. Come on.

- No. I'd prefer to stand.

- Please. It's a dostadning thing.

Come on. - [sighs]

- Sit down, come on.

[exhales heavily]

I didn't think I'd be this nervous.

[chuckles] okay.

In an attempt to get my affairs in order,

Vicky and I have decided that in the event

That something should happen to us,

We would be honored if you would be the guardian...

Of our daughters.

[exhales]

I'm being serious.

- Yeah, no, it's incredible. I'm humbled.

- Do you understand the significance

Of what I'm asking?

- Yeah.

- Then what's with the smug face?

- Mm-mm, I'm not smug.

I'm overjoyed. - This is overjoyed?

- That's not how I look. - This is your face.

- That's not how I look. - Okay, eh?

That's exactly how you look.

[alarm blares] - mva.

Engine 24 and rescue... - Oh, gotta roll.

We'll pick this up later.

- What's wrong with you, you smug piece of shit?

- Damn it. I need to fix my hair again.

The photographer will be here soon.

- Yeah, got time to go to the salon, bro.

[both laugh]

- Hey, hey. Luce, luce, luce.

Hey, your dad is gonna want to talk to me again.

I cannot accept his dostadning with my face like this.

- Well, at least your dostadning

Was a heartfelt gesture.

He told me a baseball game

Was more important than my birth.

- Yeah, he hated you forever for that one.

He used to cry every time he changed your diapers.

On the flip side, though,

He did give me the tickets to that game.

So thank you very much.

- It's 70-30 now. - What?

I'm so mad right now.

- I actually can't even tell.

- Oh, I am furious.

- Here, let me help.

Your face feels like clay. - I know.

- Okay, hold on, here we go. [face crackling]

Oh, okay. All right.

We're getting a little traction.

- Oh. - Whoa.

- Okay, I feel like I felt my expression change.

- Well...

Your face is actually dead.

[dramatic chord]

- Eddie, can we continue our conversation, please?

- [sighs]

- Ooh. Hi, ike!

- Oh. - Hi.

- Hey. How's it going?

Uh, I--sorry.

Uh, guys, this is billie jean, my neighbor, billie jean.

- It's 3:00.

- Oh, yeah! No, no, no.

I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's 3:00.

That--because, um, billie jean, wanted to,

Have a tour of the fire station.

She's never been to a fire station before.

- Guilty. [both chuckle]

- Okay. Yeah, let's do it.

Um, just right this way. - Oh, okay.

- We can start in here. - Okay.

- Is billie jean his lover? - I don't know.

It ain't none of my business.

- [exhales heavily]

I know I sprung a big ask on you before,

And I'm sorry about that.

I should have given you time to think.

- No, no. I'm honored, really.

- Well, it's just that we're friends

And, uh...

Am I catching you at a bad time here?

- Mm-mm. Why?

- Seems like you don't care about what I'm saying.

- I do. I totally care.

- All right, well, I'm trying to do a dostadning here,

And it seems like you're refusing

My dostadning.

- No, I fully support the dostadning.

I'm the one who suggested the dostadning.

- Well, I'm not gettin' a very supportive vibe.

Do you not care about my kids?

- I do. I love your kids.

- You know what, eddie?

Don't be sarcastic about someone's kids.

- I'm not. - That's it.

My offer is officially rescinded.

- What? No, terry. Don't rescind it.

- Really?

You know what, from now on, we keep our relationship

Strictly professional, you heartless prick.

- Wait, terry. No, don't be mad.

Te--no, terry.

Please come back. Let's talk about it.

I really want to talk about it.

[rock music]

- He didn't just rescind the offer.

He rescinded our friendship.

- I know. I even saw him throw this out.

- His bfff mug.

I gave him this.

It's his second favorite mug.

How am I supposed to make amends

With my face looking like this?

- Tell him the truth.

- To the tune of $5,000?

No, thank you.

This calls for extreme measures.

Defib time.

- Oh, my god.

Uncle eddie, no, no, no, no, no.

[aed whines] wait, are you kidding?

- Electricity reverses muscular paralysis.

I need you to zap the shit out of my face.

- I don't think this is a good idea.

- I put it on the lowest setting.

It's gonna be fine.

One time I even used these

To wake up your father.

There wasn't any lasting damage, so...

- But there was temporary damage?

- You never wondered why there's a gap

Between you and your sisters?

- You put it on his nuts? - Yeah, it was hysterical.

We were laughing for days. Let's do this.

- All right. Fuck it.

- Make it count. [aed whines, sizzles]

- Ah! - [groans]

- Oh. [chuckles]

Okay. That's an improvement-ish.

- And that you would even consider me

To be the guardian of your children

Is an honor.

One I will never take lightly.

- Well, you already did. Then you laughed at me.

- I never laughed. - First you had your smug face.

Then you looked like you didn't care.

- And do I still look like that?

- You look like you're having a stroke.

- That's because my veins

Are clotted with sadness.

- What are you doing with your face?

- Nothing.

[face crackles]

- It's hard. - No, it's not.

- And your forehead's leaking. - It is?

- [gasps] you got the botox. - No, I didn't.

- Your face is pumped

So full of filler you can't emote.

- Fine. I admit it.

I did do the botox.

And that's why you can't tell how much this means to me.

- Well, I'm happy you didn't dismiss me earlier.

But I'm sad you felt the need to inject your face

And look younger.

But then again, I'm happy that you owe me 5,000 bucks.

[laughs] yes!

- That part makes me pretty sad.

But I am genuinely touched

That you've made me the guardian of your children.

- [chuckles] well, hold on.

I don't know if I can trust my kid

To someone who pumped their face

Full of chemicals for vanity.

- Well, terry, I think the old age thing

Affected me the same way it affected you.

- Hmm. - I'm sorry.

- What, are we hugging? - Yeah.

- Okay. [grunts]

[sighs] all right.

Okay. [chuckles]

- [sighs] - ow, my shoulder. [groans]

Too hard.

- You know, I would probably cry

If my tear ducts weren't paralyzed

With frog poison. [knock at door]

- The photographer's here.

- Oh, and I haven't even put my face on.

- And I better take my face off.

- Yeah. Okay.

$5,000.

[chuckles]

That's a lot of gear, huh?

- What's the deal with those sunglasses?

Are they blue-blockers?

- He looks like german bono.

Oh, granny, need some help?

- No, I got it. - Probie, help him out.

- No, no, I'm good.

- Let me just - no, don't touch--

Leave it alone. Hey! Argh.

- Oh, well, well, well.

Granny, what's with the lighting equipment?

- Okay, fine.

White photographers from the department

Don't know how to light black people properly.

So this year I'm gonna make myself look good.

- You said the picture didn't matter.

- It doesn't.

But black lighting does.

- Oh, honey, new hairdo for the picture, huh?

Looks great.

[whispering] always tell them they look great.

- Well, I tried to use that foreign blow-dryer

Mom got me, and it just kept zapping me.

- You look like simba. I love it.

- [growls]

I just wanted to look good.

- Aw, poor baby.

Just so you know, for these pictures,

We wear our hats.

- What? - We do?

- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- I spent $50 on this hair, chief.

- Hey-o. - Hey, guys.

- Where'd you get the makeup?

- Okay, my friend billie jean is a makeup artist.

She did a little... - I thought she was your lover.

- Uh, no, mickleberry.

Billie jean is not my lover.

She's just a girl

Who happens to be a makeup artist.

- What kind exactly?

- I don't know. I think, like, lots of kind--

Like, professional kinds.

I think she works at a funeral parlor too.

- Ah, that explains it.

- You know, just because it's a death photo

Doesn't mean you have to look dead.

- Well, I'm glad no one cares how they look for their photo.

[laughter]

- Make love to the camera.

[camera shutter snapping]

- There's my girl.

Here you go.

- "they use swine language"?

I don't get it.

- Okay, that should be a good one.

- You know what? I like this one.

Thanks.

Please press the lighting board cue

Before you take the picture, all right?

- Yeah.

- [groans]

- Aw, dad.

- Looks sexy, chiefy.

- Hey, eddie, mark your calendar.

Two tickets, mariners-yankees, behind home plate

For me and my little buddy.

- Aw.

Oh, me and you, skipper?

- Well, you know, I had 5k to burn,

So I figured what the heck? - Yeah, you're welcome.

- Hey-o. Hey, pictures came in.

- Hey, all right. - Oh, cool.

- Crystal. Mcconky.

Penisi. Mcconky.

Look at that, in order. - All right, death photo day.

- This was the best choice? - Looks good.

- I really can't die until I take another one.

- At least I'm not too dark. [chuckling]

- That's kind of cool.

I look a little bit sleepy or something.

- [chuckles] - you look like a dead mime.

- Oh, "what language do pigs speak?"

"swine language." [laughs]

- [laughs] I remember sucking that stick.

- Was it strawberry? [chuckles] of course it was.

'cause they're always the funniest.

- Hey, at least I look young.

I'm definitely getting botox again.

- Let's see yours. - Hey, hey, let's see it.

- No. - Da-da-da-da.

- I just had a bad hair day.

- [laughs] - whoa.

[all chuckle]

- Is that hair attached to your hat or something?

- Oh.

- This is actually the best photo

I've ever taken, look at that.

Eh? - Yeah, chiefy, noyce.

- Aw, dad, you look so handsome.

Look at that. [sighs]

Who's hugh janus?

Hugh janus.

Hugh janus? Hugh jan--

Hugh janus. - Hugh janus?

- Huge anus? Who did that?

- What, are we hugging? - Yeah.

- [grunts]

[sighs] all right.

[groaning] oh, my shoulder.

Oh, god.

- It was me.

[laughter]

- Eddie!

- He really got you.