Original subtitles

[rock music]

- Okay, this guy set his ex-girlfriend's piano on fire.

- That sucks, but I got music to your ears.

This car is parked in front of a fire hydrant.

- [laughs] - hey yo!

- Hello, beautiful.

- Are you kidding me? A lambo.

- Do we push it out of the way?

- Probie, there is no more offensive violation than

Parking in front of a hydrant, especially in this car.

- You know, we legally get to smash both the windows

And hook the hose up to the hydrant.

- Yeah we do. [chuckles]

- Rock, paper, scissors. Oh-oh.

- There's too many of us. Let's do odd finger.

Ones and twos on throw. Ready?

One, two, three, throw.

- Oh, mickleberry, you lucky son of a bitch.

- Is it really that good?

- Does a penguin shit in the ice?

- Come on. There's something on fire.

Let's go. - Mickleberry, enjoy yourself.

You'll always remember your first time.

- [sighs]

[groans] - [laughs]

- Sorry probie, you don't have the proper tool.

- Yeah, there you go, cap.

- Allow me to finish it off. [laughter]

- Show him how it's done, cap.

- [groans] - ooh, whoo!

- [laughs] - that made my knees buckle.

- How'd that feel, big boy, huh?

- Come on, come on, come on.

All: [moaning]

- That is such a good doorgasm. - Look at that.

It was unlocked this whole time.

Who'd leave a car like this unlocked?

- Who cares?

Anybody have a cigarette?

[foreigner's "hot blooded"]

- ♪ well, I'm hot-blooded ♪

♪ check it and see ♪

♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪

♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪

- Are you wearing new cologne?

- I am wearing something new, yes,

But it's not cologne. It's body spray.

- Same thing. - No, it's not the same thing.

It's only cologne

If it comes from the cologne region of germany.

Just like it's only champagne

If it comes from the champagne region of France.

- Oh, it's like kleenex. It's only kleenex if it

Comes from the kleenex region of luxembourg.

- Really? - Yeah.

It was in last week's wordle.

- I didn't even realize that's how you pronounce luxembourg.

- Hey, look who I found.

- Hey, it's the commiss.

- It's finally official.

The penisi legacy will live forever.

- Oh, you freezing your sperm? [laughs]

- Shut up, terry. The city is naming the street

Outside the station after my father giuseppe

To honor his service as a firefighter.

- Oh. - It's finally certified.

- Congratulations. - Giuseppe penisi way. Hmm.

They should've just gone with penisi street.

Am I right? - [laughs]

That would've been hilarious. - Hmm.

- Lucy, how I wish you'd have met my father.

- Hmm. - Giuseppe penisi was

So full of moral fiber, he literally shat the truth.

- Oh, sounds like a hell of a party trick.

[laughs] - it's true though.

Giuseppe penisi wrote

The tacoma firefighter code.

"as a firefighter, I will serve the public trust

"with honor and integrity...

All: "and vow to always protect tacoma's people and property

"through the faithful performance

"of my duties in the fire service."

- Always have services for all.

- That man lived his life by the code.

Unlike my jerk offspring here who wastes his life

Pulling moronic pranks

And setting his own station on fire.

- What the hell, dad? We were having fun.

- I'm only kidding.

I'm in a great mood.

From this moment forward, this station now resides

At 4791 giuseppe penisi way.

- You know, I still remember the day he died.

He chased me around the garden with a bug sprayer and

An orange peel in his mouth and then he had a heart attack.

- Wasn't that marlon brando in the "godfather?"

- Where do you think they got it from?

That's how cool giuseppe was.

- Tootles. - Learn the firefighter code.

- One week old corn on the cob

From buck-an-ear day at pirate world.

Bidding starts at $10.

- No way! Maybe 50. - Ten. I got it for ten.

- Whoa. Winner.

Ike, my friend, you may eat it.

[all chanting: "eat it!"]

- [laughs] wow.

[groans] that looks nasty.

[all chanting: "eat it!"]

[cheers and groans]

- Open wide.

[cheering]

He did it! Whoo. - Yeah.

[gags] - all right, man.

- Okay, guys. This one is hot off the press.

This is my dad's emergency candy

That he keeps in his wallet.

The wrapper is dissolved and it spends about

Ten hours a day pressed up against the warmth of his ass.

Who will eat it for $20?

- 20. I got it for 20. Mine. It's mine.

- Dude, have some self-respect.

You've eaten everything today in an opening bid.

- It's called winning. [laughs]

No, I also do need to recoup

The $20,000 I lost in the station fire, so...

- How's that going? - Pretty good.

I'm up to $16,000 now, which is not too shabby.

But this time I'm keeping all my money locked in the bank.

[chuckles] and here comes another easy 20.

You know what I'm saying?

- Oh, eat it, bitch.

- Philly, philly, foo. All: [groaning]

- That's literally chief's ass in your mouth right now.

- I'm just gonna chew it.

- What does it taste like? - Toothpaste and feet.

- [gags] - oh, I feel nauseous.

- Man, that was gross. - Okay.

I have the next eat-it.

- He always has good ones.

- Ah, delivery for station 24. [laughs]

[vocalizes]

- I don't get it. It's just a pizza.

- This is not just any pizza.

When we first started playing, I ordered this pizza.

And then two minutes later, I called them back

And screamed my ass off at them that it was taking too long.

- Man, that thing is covered in all sorts of bodily functions.

- Correct. [laughs]

It's gonna be super gross. - [groans]

Hey-yo. - Whoa, chief's on the floor.

- [groans]

Oh, you guys, check this out.

The workers found this locker

When they were doing the rebuild.

It was hidden inside the wall.

- Oh, cool. - Weird?

- Hey, pizza. - Oh, uh...

- Oh, look at this. - Chief, chief, chief.

- I'm starving. All: [groaning]

- Is there vinegar on this? - Mm.

- I'll get back to you later. Okay, here we go.

Ready? [grunts]

- Well done. - Drumroll please.

- [laughs] - wow.

- Oh, wow. - Whoa.

It's a tacoma telegraph from 1933.

- Oh, it's like a sports almanac from 1933.

Cool. Yo, guys, we could use this to bet on these games.

You know? - It doesn't work that way.

- That's not what I said, cap.

I said we could look at this

To know the scores of the old games.

What, mickleberry? - I'll tell you what though.

This thing is cool. It's like a time capsule.

- What's this guy?

- Hopefully, it's a treasure map or something.

- No, it's a painting.

- Great. Art. Boring!

- Hey, wait a second.

Does this say, "rembrandt?"

- Yeah, it's a rembrandt. It's not real.

- It seems kind of real.

- Here's something about a fire at...

What's tacomoa? - The tacoma museum of art.

- Okay. "in 1933, a three-alarm blaze destroyed a section

"of the tacomoa and several works of art,

"including one rembrandt.

Portrait of a man with plumed hat."

- Yeah and this dude is definitely this dude here

With the weak-ass moustache.

- Do you think this is a real rembrandt?

- Holy shit, it's right here.

"the tacoma museum of art caught fire yesterday.

"many valuable pieces of art were destroyed.

"if not for the brave firemen of station 24,

Many more pieces would've been lost."

- Whoa, guys.

- I think whoever owns

This footlocker stole this painting.

- Well, there's got to be a name on this footlocker.

Let's find out who the dirty firefighter is.

- Yeah.

- Holy shit.

- Oh, my god.

My grandfather is the dirty firefighter

Who stole this painting.

- Giuseppe was a man of honor.

I can't believe he broke the firefighter code.

- I can. You know how much a rembrandt is worth?

We're talking like eight figures.

- What?

Okay, to put that into perspective,

My tips at the club are one figures.

- Says here in artistic af that a lost da vinci painting

Recently sold to a saudi prince for 450 million.

- Come on. - Yes.

- We could buy our own sports cars.

- Lucy, this is your great grandfather

We're talking about. He committed a major crime.

- Firefighter giuseppe penisi said,

"I turned and saw the flames reach the man in the plumed hat

And as the paint melted, it was as if the man was crying."

- Probably had the painting

In his turnout coat as he was lying.

- Yeah, let's not cry over spilled milk here, gang, okay?

Let's sell it. - Hey!

No one is selling anything. - Okay.

- And no one is saying anything, you got it?

- I got it, cap. I was...

I wasn't the only one who wanted to sell it.

Why is he yelling at me? - Devil's advocate here.

How do you even sell a stolen rembrandt?

You can't exactly list it on ebay.

- No, we could. We could, guys.

We could sell it at, like, the park.

- The park? - Or the airport.

I see limousines there all the time full of rich dudes.

Rich dudes love art. Come on.

- Well, there's always the dark web.

I can help you poke around a little.

See if there's any interest from the underground buyers.

- What is the dark web? Is it real?

- Oh, it's real all right.

- Everything I've heard about the dark web

Sounds super sketch.

- It isn't all bad. It's just unregulated.

The basic principle is that you're masking your ip address

With a vpn and using the tor browser

To access unpublished sites,

But fair warning, one wrong click

And you might see horrible things you can't unsee.

- Will you just do it already? - All right.

We're in. - Wait. Like, in-in.

We're in the dark web? Oh, that was easy.

- Yeah, now, we just decide where we're gonna go.

- Are there any eat-it videos? - Hmm, let's see.

Yeah, lots.

Oh, looks like a whole community.

- Oh, wow.

Click on this one. - Okay.

- Oh, well, you're not doing it right.

That's a hamster. - Oh.

- [laughter] - wait.

Why's it on a plate? What is happening?

- Oh, my god. - Oh, he's eating it.

He's eating it alive. - Oh, my god, no.

[screaming] turn it off.

Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off.

- No more of this crap.

The dark web is officially banned in this station.

- I think it's officially banned worldwide.

- Well, it's officially banned here too.

- That's what I was gonna say!

What the hell, man?

- [sighs]

- How you doing?

- [sighs]

Terry, I don't know what to do.

- You gotta return that painting

Is what you got to do. - Yeah, if I do that,

Everybody's gonna know giuseppe was a thief.

- On the other hand, you return that painting,

Everyone in the world will know your name.

You'll be on the cover of ethical af magazine

In a plumed hat.

- I appreciate you trying to appeal to my ego,

But this is so much bigger than that.

- Bigger than your ego? Impossible.

[laughs] come on.

- This'll disgrace my family, and it'll crush my father.

- What about this angle?

This of all the art sex you'll get.

You've never done well with the art lovers.

- [scoffs] please,

I've had plenty of art chicks.

Tatianna, phoebe, imogen, pangea, paloma, frieda,

Boheme, aria, echo, donatella, raphaella to name a few.

- That's a lot. [chuckles]

It's like the cast of "game of thrones."

- You know what? I just need time to think.

- Well, don't think too hard.

I don't want you to burn the station down again.

- [laughs] actually, that wasn't me.

That was wolf.

[door shuts] [sighs]

- Okay.

Captainbigballs947.

"will consider eating

The dead bird if it's not too big."

- Hey, what's wrong with the router?

- Hey, man. - What are you doing, ike?

- Oh, nothing. Just fooling around, you know?

Just watching some videos of

Eat-it on the dark web.

- Are you crazy? Did you even use the vpn?

- Yeah, dude. I used the vpn.

Like, is that the vpn?

- Ike, you can't mess around with this stuff.

It's the wild west on there.

- I'm not messing around, mickleberry.

Do you have any idea what they're paying

To watch people eat stuff?

I'll make my savings back easily.

Look at this. $4,000 to eat a...

[groans] I mean, I can't do that one, but...

- Please tell me you didn't give anyone your info.

- No. God no. I'm not an idiot.

I mean, you do have to create an account, so there's a few...

- You added a profile pic? - Yeah. Why? Is that bad?

- Yeah. What's your password? I'm scrubbing you right now.

- Okay, okay. God. It's the one I always use.

It's my social security number. Super easy. Four, four...

[buzzing]

- Shit. Shit. - Hey, ike.

Someone just called the station and asked if you were here.

They sounded kind of weird.

- Oh, that's crazy. [laughs]

- Ike, what have you done? - What? Nothing.

[alarm blaring]

- They found us.

- That's the guy I was messaging with.

That's his profile pic.

[ominous music]

- [groans]

- [sighs]

[soft music]

[sighs]

- What's the matter, eddie?

You don't like-a the meatballs?

- Uh, they're good, grandpa.

- Eh, be honest.

- They're a little spicey.

I don't want to hurt your feelings.

- Eddie, always tell the truth

No matter what.

Whenever you feel lost,

You follow the fireman's code.

It'll never lead you astray. Let's say it together.

Both: "as a fireman, I will serve the public trust

"with honor and integrity

"and vow to always protect tacoma's people and property

"through the faithful performance

Of my duties in the fire service."

Hey, that's-a my grandson.

Hey, let's go out into the garden

On this ridiculously hot day,

And I'ma chase you around. Look at this.

[growls and laughs]

- [laughs] - [growls]

[dramatic music]

- [groans] mm.

Five second rule. - Where'd you come from?

- I heard the meatball hit the floor.

- That was fast. - You snooze, you lose.

It's a good meatball.

- [sighs] I got to talk to my dad.

[alarm blaring]

- May I help you? - Is ike crystal here?

- Um...

There's no ike crystal here.

- I was wondering if he'd eat this in person,

If that's okay.

It arouses me. - What?

- How much?

- How much does it arouse you?

- No. No. How much money?

- What's in that case? - Oh, a puppy.

I'd figure we'd start small. [dog whines]

- Oh, fuck no.

- Dude, what the hell? Why--get out of here, man.

- What are you thinking? - How much money did he say?

- He said he wanted you to eat a puppy.

- He must be nuts. How much?

- He didn't say. I didn't let him say it.

- I mean, what if it's a million dollars?

I mean, I wouldn't eat a puppy. I'm not saying that.

- Here. Come on. [dog barks]

[screams]

Shit. Shit. Shit!

- Hey. How's it going?

- Ike, this is getting scary.

You have 2,000 messages from people

All around the world wanting you to eat stuff.

- Wait. What? [chuckles]

- Like this guy inviting you

To a rhino dick dinner,

But it's byord.

- There's a lunatic outside that wanted ike to eat puppies.

- Ike, this has to end now.

- I know. That's what I was saying.

This has to end, like, right now.

Hey, come on, guys.

[automatic voice] shall we play a game?

- Yeah, sure. - No!

- No! - Sorry. I know.

[phone buzzing]

Ooh, granny, fbi.

- The feds. [groans]

- Don't an--oh. - Hello?

- Ike crystal, this is special agent williamson

From the fbi. You've been compromised

By criminal hackers on the dark web.

- Ooh, that wasn't me. That was andy.

The new andy who's the probie.

Not the old andy 'cause there's two.

I don't want you to be confused.

- We know. We're the fbi.

- Ah, sorry. Of course.

- We're going to protect you,

But you need to answer a few questions first.

What is your mother's maiden name,

In what city were you born,

And the name of your first pet.

- Chalamet, tacoma, raphael. - Thank you, sir.

All traces of your profile

On the dark web have now been deleted.

- Oh, my god. Thank you. Thank you so much, fbi.

- Whoo. That was touch and go.

- I was freaking out, you guys. I can let you know now.

It didn't seem like it, but I was losing my mind.

I was so scared. [phone buzzes]

Oh, the fbi is calling back.

- Ike crystal, this is special agent navarra of the fbi.

- Okay. - Any minute now,

You will be contacted by a hacker from the dark web

Impersonating the fbi. Whatever you do,

Do not answer any of their questions.

- [gasps]

- Ah, man. Fool me once, shame on me.

Fool--fool me twice, two get bit by a snake.

- You're saying my father's a thief.

- [laughs] I know. It's hard to stomach.

- Turkey meatballs are hard to stomach.

- He stole that painting.

We need to do the right thing and give it back.

- My father's name will be ruined.

- But he broke the firefighter code.

If giuseppe penisi couldn't follow the code that he wrote,

Then everything I've believed my whole life is a lie.

- Don't you dare! My father taught me that code.

Destroy that painting.

- It's worth, like, half a billion dollars.

- Destroy it.

And if you tell anybody about this...

You're dead to me.

[alarm blaring]

- [groans]

- You know what? Stop right there.

What's in that bag? - You ike crystal?

- What's in the bag?

- [chuckles]

It's whatever you want it to be.

- Tell me what it is.

- Okay. It's a costume.

It's a dolphin. You beat me up,

I go home, what's the problem?

- Oh, man, you know what?

Get the hell out of here, all right?

And don't come back. - [moans]

- Wait, wait, wait, easy. He's got to pay us first.

- Okay, just let me put this on,

You rub my blowhole,

You bitch-slap me like five times,

I'll give you 1,000 bucks.

- Don't do it, granny. It's not worth it.

- Oh, actually, it's...Wait.

[moaning like dolphin chatter]

[clears throat] thanks, guys.

- What'd you say? 1,000? I don't think so.

- No, no, no. - I mean, get out of here.

You freak! [chuckles]

Sorry about that, man. I had no idea...

- Dude, what? [beeping]

- Someone's in your bank account, ike.

They're using rapid transfers to drain your balance.

- What? This is why people hide their money in mattresses.

- It's not good. - Come on.

No, no, no. What's happening? What? No. What is this?

Mickleberry, mickleberry, do something!

- I can't. Whoever this is, he's really good.

I think he's north korean.

- Mickleberry.

Mickleberry, what's happening?

Is that it?

- I'm sorry, ike. They got it all.

Plus, I think you've been evicted,

Which really doesn't matter because

You're no longer a u.S. Citizen.

- I guess I still got my health, right?

- But not your medical records.

- That's it. We're ending this once and for all.

- No, no, no, no, no.

That was my graduation gift. - I'm sorry, bro.

- I was mining bitcoin on that, man.

- Oh, will you show me how that works?

When you get a new computer.

- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the giuseppe penisi

Street naming ceremony.

Our first speaker will be

Captain eddie penisi jr.

- You all right?

- Never been worse. - [chuckles]

- Attention, everyone, please.

Station 24 recently came upon some information

Which may affect today's ceremony.

- I'll take it from here.

- Dad, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna do this.

- I got something to say.

Good afternoon.

The captain here

Thinks he's about to do the right thing,

And he is.

Go ahead, son. Open up that painting.

This is the rembrandt painting

That was presumed lost in the tacomoa fire of 1933.

As you can see, it did not burn.

In fact, it was stolen

By my father,

Giuseppe penisi.

All: [gasping]

- The shame this has brought on the penisi name

In unbearable,

But it pales in comparison to the pride I feel

For my son,

Edward penisi jr.

You see,

We came here today to celebrate

The man I thought was the greatest penisi,

When in fact,

The greatest penisi

Was standing right here all along.

I love you, eddie jr.

- I love you, too, dad.

[applause]

[both crying]

[inspiring music]

- I did--oh, okay.

Okay, okay.

- Aww... Ooh!

Okay.

- [sobbing]

[upbeat music]

- [mouths words]

[laughter] - that's a keeper.

[laughter] - yeah.

- Look at these two guys. [laughter]

It's like a bromance. - Yeah.

- Whoa. There they are.

- This is gonna be great, man. I can't wait to look at these.

[laughter]

- Hi, folks. I'm marjorie fontaine

With the tacoma museum of art.

- Marjorie, it's a pleasure. I'm captain eddie penisi.

This is my father, commissioner eddie penisi sr.

- How do you do?

- Captain, you don't need an introduction.

It's a pleasure to meet two heroes.

- [chuckles] - oh, it is so beautiful.

Thank you for returning it.

- I wonder if there's gonna be a reward.

- Of course there's a reward.

That's what happens when you do the right thing.

The question is how much? - Oh.

- Um, did you guys look at this?

- Uh, yeah. Quite a bit actually.

- Yup.

- [scoffs] - giuseppe?

- It's a fake. - What?

- Are you kidding me? - Holy shit.

- He didn't steal the painting.

He made a copy and did this.

It's a prank. - [chuckles]

Oh, yeah. Okay, well, I'll never do the right thing again.

- I don't think that's the takeaway here.

- Yeah, it is.

Although he lost the street name,

So I think the joke's on him. - No.

No. He got us.

He got us good.

And that's the penisi way.

- Okay. - Ah, he's right.

[laughter]

- Giuseppe.

[laughter]