Original subtitles

Ave Maria, Raul. Mira esta tomate aqui.

What? Look at the tomato just come in, boss.

Fresh. See you tonight.

You too.

I don't know. Give me a hint.

Oh.

Aunt Sophie?

Cheryl?

Cheryl, what are you doing here? I mean, you didn't call or anything.

I called your office. They told me you were here.

I wanted to surprise you. Oh, you did?

Oh, koala bear.

Koala bear.

Billy, this is Cheryl Dodge. She's an old friend of mine. Old friend?

Hey, you can do better than that, koala bear.

After all, we were engaged once.

Engaged? Gary, you never told me. And Cheryl, this is Billy Bunker. She's a

waitress here.

A waitress?

And a very close personal friend.

Thank you.

Sit, please.

Gosh, five years.

You look great, Gary.

Oh, I feel great. But you, you look terrific.

Doesn't she look terrific?

Yeah, she looks terrific.

You know, Cheryl's a model. She does magazine ads and billboards.

I thought you looked familiar.

I saw your bra ad in the subway.

Really?

Advertising it called it provocative.

Hard to tell. Someone drew hair on your chest.

The subways are really something, aren't they?

Well, being a waitress, I have to get back to work.

Look, Billy, why don't you just stay and join us? No, no, no. Now, koala bear,

just sit down and talk.

I have been seeing your face all over town. You must be doing fabulously well.

I've been lucky.

What about you, your own law firm? Oh, come on, it's not exactly my law firm.

It's me and a dozen relatives.

We're kind of the Osmond family of the legal profession.

So, um, tell me, you happy?

Oh, I've never been happier.

That's great.

I'm getting divorced.

Oh, uh, sorry to hear that. Who's handling it?

I hope you can.

Oh, Cheryl, I'm not a divorce attorney.

Gary, please, I am desperate. I had to fire my lawyer.

Yesterday in his office, he tried to undress me.

So unprofessional.

You never do that in the office.

That's why I need your help.

Look, Cheryl, I can't just jump into a case like... All you have to do is pinch

hit.

Come over to my place tonight. We can go over the file.

Uh, no. No, no, no, no. No, tonight's out. It won't take long.

I'll fix dinner.

I'm sorry, Cheryl. I just cannot come over tonight.

Why don't you come over to the office now?

I can't, Gary. I got a photo session in 40 minutes.

I hate to do this to you.

But I really am in a bind.

I got to be in court tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Please.

Gary.

For old time's sake.

You ever seen this girl before?

Yeah. I seen her in her brown panties in Times Square.

Not a billboard arch. She's a model.

She's also his ex -fiance.

Is that... What are you trying to tell me? That that beautiful girl there

married Rabinowitz?

So she's a model. So she's gorgeous.

So she's probably rich.

Big deal.

Tuna salad, table six.

Look, Billy, I'm afraid something's come up tonight. Cheryl has a legal

emergency. She's got a messy divorce hearing tomorrow.

What a shame.

So I'm going to have to go over to her place and go through her, you know...

briefs. Yeah.

No.

Well, yes, legally speaking.

I mean, it's strictly business. I have to determine her alimony and assess her

personal property.

You look pretty good to me.

How come you never told me about her?

Billy, that was five years ago. I was still in law school.

It's ancient history.

Well, it looks like history's repeating itself, doesn't it?

Oh, come on. Now, Billy.

Ah!

My hand is under this.

What are you doing?

What goes on here, huh? I mean, what's going on between the two of you?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Rabinowitz, I want to talk to you.

Let's get this thing straightened out, all right?

What is it with you?

I mean, first you go and get yourself tangled up in my niece's affectations,

then the next thing I see you kissing that poster girl. Right in front of her.

Are you some kind of a degenerate?

Look, Bunker, what I do is none of your business.

Listen, you want to go fool around with that model, that's fine.

But leave Billy alone.

I don't want to go fooling around with that model.

Are you telling me that she was willing to marry you?

Yeah.

Why?

I mean, you haven't heard about us, sir.

Jewish man?

Oh, come on, I bet it was.

Cut it out, will you?

I mean, that's true about the colors, but not about the Jews.

Thanks for talking to me, Bunker. Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. That's

you got to say to me?

That's all.

Except that this conversation, as always, has been sparkling, provocative,

strange.

I'm going to be watching you, Rabinowitz. I'm going to be watching you

hawk.

Oh, I don't know, Cheryl. I mean, under these circumstances... Oh, no. No, no.

No more for me.

I'm going to make a motion for a continuance. The respondent is simply

What?

You're still adorable, you know that?

Yeah.

You know, I think it's my skin. I took your advice and I never use soap.

Remember when you took me to Catskills and we went skinny dipping at night?

Yeah, I remember.

Uncle Abe would never let me forget it.

I came out of the water and I bumped right into him.

Actually, I think it was the highlight of his life. Oh, poor guy.

Thank God you knew CPR.

Oh, we had a great time.

Whatever happened to us?

You don't remember?

Well, I took you to the country club dance and you wound up going home with

golf bro.

I was terrible.

Mm -hmm.

Did I hurt you real bad?

Oh, no.

I just didn't date for a year, and my whole family thought I turned gay.

Oh, you're not serious.

Really? My mother was so upset, she sold my cemetery plot.

You still crack me up?

Please don't. Yeah, I owe you one, Koala Bear.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

Don't I?

No.

Maybe.

Oh,

what's with you?

You look like you're falling asleep over your lunch.

Billy kept me up all night.

Oh, yeah?

How'd you do that?

She was pacing the floor, and when she wasn't pacing the floor, she was

her teeth.

Oh, she gets all over that Gary.

God,

what a waste of time.

It's not a waste of time. She likes him a lot.

Why are relationships so complicated?

My advice to you is give up, boys, now. Save yourself the trouble.

The kind of way you're growing up, sometimes I feel like shoving you in one

them condoms.

It might be nice.

Yeah. Well?

I weren't Jewish.

Well, I'll tell you one thing you can do.

You can go to school. Do that, huh?

See you later.

Bye.

Uh, Billy, Billy, uh, what is all this pacing floors and grinding teeth?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Gary Rabinowitz.

Why don't you dump that guy, huh?

He ain't never gonna be through to you.

Don't you know that? I mean, about Jewish guys that... Oh, about Jewish

The world's famous sky chasers.

Where do you get these things?

Where do I get these things? I get them out of the Bible, don't you understand?

That it's a tradition with the Jews.

It comes from the time way back when they was wandering for 40 years in the

desert with nothing to keep in company but bagels and camels.

Need I say more?

I wish you'd say less.

I wish you'd do like I said.

Read the Bible.

Do that.

It wouldn't do you no harm to read the Bible neither there, sis.

Oh, Lord.

What do you think?

What is it, Harriet?

I don't think Rabinowitz would do that. He probably just went to her place, did

the legal work, and went home.

If you believe that, Harry, then I got some swamp land in Nicaragua I'd like to

sell you.

You guys have a one -track mind.

Morning, Harry.

Strong coffee, please.

Sure. Tough night, huh?

You have a one -track mind, Harry.

Morning, Billy.

Good afternoon.

You look tired.

Did you work hard last night?

Oh, yeah.

Don't ask.

You know, that previous attorney just bungled the whole thing. I didn't even

home till two in the morning.

Gee, two in the morning, huh?

Yeah, I was really beat.

Yeah, well, serving a client takes a lot of strength.

Yeah.

I called you every hour on the hour till 6 a .m.

You never went home last night.

What? No, actually, you're right. I kind of fell asleep on Cheryl's couch from

exhaustion.

Yeah.

Rabinowitz, I may be inexperienced, but I'm not an idiot.

You slept with her, didn't you?

What can I say?

We had a little wine.

We started talking.

It just happened.

Do you know why I tried to call you last night?

I was calling. you to apologize for being so immature and for not trusting

It was an impulse.

Impulse?

Well, so is this.

Did I just hear her tell you to stay out of her life?

It's fair service, Lord.

You better come clean, Dolan, or I'll beat it out of you.

No, no.

Don't hit me.

I'll tell you.

Don't hit me, Pop. Don't hit me with the shovel.

out there at one o 'clock in the morning.

What a surprise.

Bunker, I have to see Billy.

Come on, will you? You called up here twelve times tonight. She wouldn't come

the phone. Can't you take a hint?

Look, I know that...

Kill, Rusty, kill.

Oh, no,

no, nothing. A couple of dogs is fighting on the porch. Come on back to

Bunker, you have to let me in.

I have to let you in?

Who are you, immigration? Who am I, a chink?

Billy says to let you in.

I knew this was going to happen.

Hi. Thanks, Steffi.

Well, well.

He's a little rusty. He lost his bladder, but he ain't lost his teeth.

Billy, I couldn't sleep. I had to see you.

Can we talk?

Please.

Come on, Rabinowitz. Give us a break.

It's one o 'clock in the morning.

Come on in the kitchen.

Isn't it exciting?

What do you mean exciting?

When are you going to learn to recognize torture?

You really hurt me.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I feel sick about it.

I have hives all over my body.

Good.

Gary, it's not like we're married.

I guess that you have the right to just go and do whatever you want to do.

I thought that you cared more than that.

Billy, I do.

Well, you have a funny way of showing it.

Billy, I can't take back what I did.

But you have to believe me. There's nothing between Cheryl and me. I...

I have no feelings left for her at all.

No feelings? You were engaged to her.

Billy, that was such a fluky thing.

I couldn't really believe that a girl like Cheryl actually liked me.

I mean, considering my past history with women.

I mean, I've dated some major lead neurotics.

Dina Plotkin.

She carried mice in her purse.

Let's not forget Evelyn Korshak.

Oy.

Compulsive eater.

I took her to my cousin's wedding, and right during the ceremony, she snuck

the kitchen and ate the top two tiers off the wedding cake.

Including that little plastic bride and groom.

Hey, it's not funny.

I had a bad streak. It could happen to anybody.

And then I met Cheryl.

For three months, I felt like Robert Redford.

Well, I'm sorry that I'm not Cheryl.

I'm not sorry.

You laugh at my Peter Lorre imitations.

You appreciate me.

You've already given me more than Cheryl ever could.

Except for last night.

Billy, I've told you, I'm not going to rush you into anything.

I'm happy right now just to be with you.

Billy, I love you.

You guys made up?

Did you kiss him?

I'll never tell.

Good night, Steph.

Do you ever get hungry this time of night?

I do, and I haven't eaten all day.

Should we have some chicken?

I think we should.

Don't go, Archie. We should.

We should.

Thanks.

Oh, my God, it is terrible.

I thought I was having a bad nightmare in there, but this one I see before me

even moister.

Look at the meat in my chicken here.

Shades of the meathead.