Original subtitles

Thank you.

How was school yesterday?

Fine. How was work?

Oh, terrific, terrific.

I got everything under control, like usual.

We need milk.

Yeah, I see that. Well, I'll bring home some for work tonight.

I was thinking, this weekend... Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. I got this weekend all

planned for us. Look at this here. Look what I got, huh?

Two reserved seats, tickets to the circus. That's for Saturday afternoon,

then on Sunday we go to movies again.

I don't want to go to the circus on Saturday.

Oh, come on. I mean, what kid don't want to go to the circus? Can you think of a

better way to spend a beautiful Saturday afternoon?

Yes.

I'd like to go to the cemetery.

You said we would.

Oh, yeah, but I already bought the tickets.

You promised.

I know I promised, but I didn't say when.

I'll get that.

Oh, hi there, Polly. Come on in, come on in. How you doing? Hi, Arch. I'm fine.

You certainly sound chipper. How's it going?

Oh, with us, oh, fine. We're getting along swell here. Look at this. We're

having breakfast.

How are you, Stephanie?

Okay.

Arch, I came for my casserole dish.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, uh...

Oh, uh, Polly, it's in here, you know, amongst a lot of other odds and ends.

Can you find it in there?

I found it.

You didn't eat it.

Don't you like lasagna?

Lasagna, is that what that used to be?

We love lasagna. We thought it was a tuna casserole.

Well, uh, I'll get all of that out there.

I'll get it out.

Hey, looks like it's trying to get out by itself.

Well, look at the time, kiddo. Maybe you better be running off to school, huh?

What about this Saturday?

Oh, now, come on. Saturday we're going to the circus. I got the tickets, huh?

Hey, look, we got to get there early so we get used to the smell of the

elephants. So then we have our hot dogs and our peanuts and our cotton candy.

Then we won't get nauseated.

Take somebody else to the circus.

Hey, kid, ain't you forgetting something?

Bye.

All right. Have a nice day.

Watch yourself crossing at the corner there.

I don't talk to nobody.

What's she got against the circus?

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing. No, sure, she goes to the circus. She was

thinking about making a visitation to the... Well, you know, Meadow

Glen.

Ah, but I figure what's the rush? It's only a little over a month. You might as

well give the grass a chance to grow out there before you start walking all

around, you know?

You know what I mean?

I know what you mean.

Now, just yell over the fence if you need me, okay?

Yeah, I'll do that, Polly.

Bye, Arch. Yeah, yeah, thanks a million.

All right, give my regards to Ed, huh?

I will.

I'm just trying to tell Harry that most of the traffic that comes into the city

comes over the Triborough Bridge.

Well, I say it's the Queensborough.

Are you trying to tell me my business?

I've been a bridge inspector here for 28 years, and I'm telling you it's the

Triborough. Hey, how do you inspect bridges when you're always in here, huh?

Easy. I simply consult my manifest, find out that today's the day for the

Brooklyn Bridge, and I mark it unsafe.

Hey, Bond, try some of these new cashews.

Yeah, they're excellent.

I got them at a gourmet place in the village.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Van. You know, I really love cashews.

You guys, is there no end to your merriment?

Oh, jeez, fellas. I hate to interrupt important business, but where's my oven

cleaner, huh? Archie's bringing it over. He's got a couple of errands to go on

first. We're trying to keep him busy.

You know, I can't help thinking of my cousin, Eddie.

It was awful.

What's with him?

Well, he's a lot like Arch. I mean, he relied on his wife for everything.

And she passed away in his sleep one night.

Quietly.

Just like Edith.

It was a hodge in him.

It was terrible.

What happened?

He couldn't handle it. He went to pieces.

But not all hodge, huh?

He's doing fine.

And I hope it stays that way.

Listen, we're all trying to keep him happy, ain't we?

We're all keeping his spirits up.

You could do that by breathing on him.

Jesus, stuff costs a fortune. Do you have to cook like a slob?

Look who's calling who. Don't argue.

You're right, Arch.

I'll try to watch it.

Hi, Linda.

Oh, here.

You got stuff back in the office for me, huh?

I got a latch to fix on the back door, and I got a look at the leak in the

ceiling there. And this here, Mari, this is the job for you.

Oh, glad to do it.

Is that for your toilet, Arch?

No, Barney, it's for my goldfish bowl.

Goldfish bowl!

What the hell was so funny?

It's not what you said, it's how you said it. It's all in the timing.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I was never that funny before.

Well, what can I say, Arch? Like good scotch, you get better with age.

Like a good bartender, pour me a beer, huh?

Anything you want.

Who got it this time?

I got it this time, Mr. Bernard.

How come you ain't laughing at that, huh? You said I was funny. Ain't that a

joke? That's too childish to be funny.

Then why was Mr. Bernard wetting his pants here?

Bobby, I know what you're doing. I know what you're all doing.

Don't do it no more. You don't have to tiptoe around me. You're right, Arch.

You're right.

And you don't have to be always agreeing with me, neither.

Okay, Arch. Anything you say.

You've done it again, you dope. You're right.

And still again.

Yeah, I know.

You'll be better off in Brooklyn, Barney.

Yeah, I think I'll go inspect my fridge.

Hello, Mr. Klein. Is Mr. Bunker in yet? Oh, yeah. You've knocked him down. Hey,

Archie, this man was here to see you yesterday. I told him to come around

Mr.

Bunker. Hi.

Jim Spencer, Fidelity Insurance.

It's about your wife's policy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are a tough man to track down.

Yeah, well, I've been pretty busy lately. To tell you the truth, I'm very

right now, setting up for the lunch rush, you know, and I gotta go back and

it, rage, and tell it. Oh, well, this won't take but a minute.

Okay, if we sit here?

Please accept condolences on behalf of myself and Fidelity Insurance on the

death of your wife, Judith.

That was easy.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Please forgive me. I have trouble reading my own

handwriting. Maybe I should have become a doctor, huh?

I, uh...

I have here a beneficiary death claim which states that Edith Bunker died on

date indicated. And if you just sign it right there, I'll present you with a

check for $5 ,000.

I ain't gonna sign that.

What?

I don't want to be no beneficiary.

What do you people think, that I can just sign a person off the wall like

I don't want it. Just send it out to my daughter in California. It's Gloria

Sturrock. She lives in Santa Barbara.

Well... Why don't you do that, Mr. Bunker? I mean, you can endorse the

right over to her. But you see, as beneficiary, I need your signature on

death claim.

I ain't signing no death claim.

You're a big company.

Can't you just leave me alone and do what I'm asking you to do? Send it out

there to my daughter.

Maybe I'd better call the home office. Well, listen, use the payphone down the

subway, huh? This one's out of order.

It's out of order.

Archie Bunker's place ain't Bunker here.

Hold on a minute.

Down the subway, eh?

I'm back.

Yes, that's right. Stephanie Mills.

What do you mean? She's fine.

What?

Yeah, well, no, I didn't know.

I'll handle it.

All right, all right, all right, I'll handle it.

Why?

Oh, holy cow.

What happened?

It's the kid.

She ain't been in school for a week.

Hi, everybody.

How you doing, honey?

Fine.

Well, so how was school today?

Fine.

What did they line you?

History.

How Marco Polo opened trade with China.

Richard E. Nixon done that? You're lying.

You wasn't in school today.

In fact, you ain't been in school all week.

Don't use your hands.

I'm going to use my hands on you if you don't get out of here.

Gosh.

You and me is going to have a little talk in private back in the office. Go

ahead.

What are you two looking at?

Who's looking?

This ain't like you, kiddo. This ain't like you at all.

What have you been doing? Where have you been going?

To the library.

Every day? Nobody can read every day.

I went to a museum.

Mostly I sit in the park and think.

But you're supposed to be doing your thinking in school.

I know.

But I can't go back there.

Oh, you gotta go back there.

I just can't.

The kids are treating me different now.

What are they doing to you?

They don't want to talk to me.

I had to recite a poem.

It was one I needed to help me memorize.

And all of a sudden I was crying.

Never since the other kids have been acting funny.

That should teach you a lesson. You had no right to go blubbering in front of

strangers. But even at home I can't. You shouldn't be blubbering at home,

neither. I mean, it don't do no good. It don't change nothing, kid.

Listen, I'm going through the same thing here, you know.

Maury, Barney, all the guys, they're treating me different.

They are?

Sure.

See, people do that because...

They think you and me is gonna fall apart now we're alone.

But they don't know us.

We're gonna be okay, ain't we?

Ain't we?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Now, we have to eat your lunch.

I'll walk you back to school.

You don't have to.

I gotta.

I gotta go and see that snow nose.

Ain't that ridiculous?

You're the guy that goes AWOL, and I'm the guy that's gotta face the courts

martial.

I'm Miss Wakefield. We spoke earlier on the phone. Yeah, yeah, I know.

But, uh, I can't help saying I'm a little surprised, you know.

Seeing you, a grown -up woman, and a good -looking woman, too, I might add,

doing this kind of work.

What? Being a truant officer.

Torturing little kids.

Oh, Mr. Bumper, I'm not a truant officer. I'm a counselor.

Oh.

Was that a barnyard count?

That's a barnyard.

Oh, a barnyard.

Did you have a football team?

No, but we were the state champions in debating.

Debating? What did they do?

These pictures here, I suppose they was all done by the children, huh?

Yeah, sometimes there's a lot of talent behind those troubled faces.

Trouble? This one here looks like a real disabled.

Oh, well, that's a dolly. Dolly? It looks more like a cow with three heads.

That's Salvador Dolly, the famous artist.

All I care how famous he is, he don't know nothing about cows.

Please, sit down.

I'd like to talk to you about Stephanie.

First of all, I want you to know how sorry I am to hear about your wife.

Oh, yeah, well, yeah, thanks very much.

And I realize this is a difficult time for Stephanie.

Well, we don't need to go into all of that, you know.

I had a nice little talk with her this noon.

Everything's going to be all right. She ain't going to play hooky no more.

Oh, that's good.

Did you find out what the problem was?

Yeah, all the kids were straight and funny.

But, yeah, that's normal. The same thing is happening to me, you know, with the

guys down at my bar.

Ever since I lost my wife.

Did Stephanie attend the funeral?

Attend? Sure.

Her and me was the first to the grave.

Well, I'm glad she had a chance to mourn with the family.

Oh, we mourned first class, let me tell you.

We had a kind of a do with the house after, you know. All kinds of hams

Chickens and turkeys and potato salad.

My wife's family come pouring over from Jersey.

They all attack that child like a herd of locusts.

Has Stephanie talked very much about her aunt?

Oh, well, she tries to, you know, but I get her right over that.

I suppose that you haven't given Stephanie anything that belonged to your

Oh, no, God.

What do you think, I'm a dope?

Geez, I ain't even...

Look, did I mean that stuff myself? I want to pack it away when I get a

Mr. Bunker, I think you're wrong.

I think you should let Stephanie go through those things with you and pick

something that belonged to your wife.

Oh, well, I don't know what I'm doing here, wasting my time. Geez, you and me

talking two different languages.

I'm afraid so.

Well, listen.

Write down what you want. I got the kid back in school.

That's what you was worrying about. You don't have to worry about nothing no

more. Goodbye.

I'm not finished. Oh, I am.

Mr. Bunker, children, just like adults, need to deal with death. It's part of

life. Stephanie needs to talk about this.

If she doesn't, it could have serious consequences.

Let me tell you something there, young lady.

I'll tell you what makes these serious, what do you call, consequentials. When

the school starts butting into the parents' business.

I know my job and I'm doing it.

You just do your job.

Case closed.

Up next, Archie Bunker's got his own bar.

Now that he's in charge, maybe he'll finally be able to speak his mind. Stay

tuned. Archie Bunker's place is coming up next right here on TV Land.