Original subtitles

What you reading?

Oh, I'm reading where a circus fired a monkey for bothering people.

What did they do with him?

They give him a job on this paper.

Who's the song we're going to do, Annie? It says you know it.

What are you talking about?

The father and daughter night at school. Oh, no, no, no, no. You ain't going to

rope me into anything like that.

But you said you would.

I never said nothing of the kind.

You said fine, right.

But everybody knows that fine right means no.

I thought no is when you said, I'll think about it.

Listen, kiddo, I'll give you a good rule to follow, you hear?

Unless I say yes, everything is no.

If you mean to say no, why don't you say no?

Because if you say no too much for kids, the kids grow up and put you in a

senile citizen's home.

Well, you don't understand at all, but you will when you're growing up and have

kids of your own.

I'm not going to have any kids.

Well, then you better learn to say no.

No, no, no.

Hey, hey, don't be getting up into my lap now. That ain't going to do you no

good.

No, I ain't gonna do it. Go and ask your aunt Edith to do that with you.

It's father and daughter night and she's not my father.

Well, neither am I.

At least you're the right sex.

Sex is one of them four -letter words I don't allow around the home.

Can't you go and sing by yourself? Tell them I'm sick. I got a sore throat,

large anitis or something.

I'm not gonna lie or mispronounce words.

That ain't a lie. It's making an excuse.

You see?

When you lie, you hurt somebody.

When you make an excuse, you do somebody a favor.

I don't get that.

Well, the biggest favor we could do all them people up at the school there is

not to sing. You get that?

I sing okay, and so do you.

The only living human that sings Wasted Me Is Your Air Needed, though, sings

like a wolf.

good from the shower. Well, yeah, I sound pretty good when I'm underwater

naked.

But I certainly ain't going up to the school that way.

You don't really love me.

Well, if you really loved me, you'd stop asking me.

Why don't you go and get out some dishes to have a nice and forceful supper,

huh? What are we having?

Same thing we always have. You may need it at home.

Lousy leftover meatloaf.

Sure, all kids love junk food.

Now put that thing back in your mouth and do what I tell you.

We ain't home. Get lost.

I'll get it.

I bother nobody comes to see us but panhandlers, burglars, and relatives.

This is a real oldie.

Hi,

that's great. I never knew you could play.

Well, I don't really play. I just noodle around. You see, when I was your age, I

took lessons, but I quit.

So, don't quit.

Did pianos look different way back then?

Why should they?

The pianos looked old in the old days.

Well, in the old days, the old pianos looked old, and the new pianos looked

new.

I used to have a player piano, you know, the one with the rolls of music inside,

and you played with your feet.

With your feet?

Oh, come on, you're just making up a lie. No, no, it's true. I mean, that's

started me to want to play the piano.

Why are you the first one I learned?

Why not?

Okay, you ready?

Yeah.

You don't do some playing down the bar. Well, I don't play that good. Besides,

you wouldn't pay me.

Are you in the union?

No. Then don't be looking for money.

Larry just told me something I never thought of before.

What? He used to be my age.

Well, so used to I.

I can't picture that.

Why not? You don't think he was born looking like that, do you?

I wasn't.

Why do you start these things? Murray, what do you want?

What I want? I want the key to the storeroom.

And what happened to yours? Once again, you walked off with it. Once again.

Why should I walk off with your key?

Because you lost yours.

Well, when you find mine, let it be yours. What's the difference?

Come on. Right here it is. Here it is.

But be careful, huh? For God's sakes, don't lose that one. That's the last one

got. Okay, okay, okay.

See you later, spectrum.

Bye.

Uh -oh.

Hey, hey, what's the matter?

Hmm? You and Archie have a fight?

Did you do something he didn't like?

You're close.

Well, come here, sweetheart.

Come here, tell me.

Something I didn't like.

Did he yell at you?

Worse. He told me a lie.

Oh, Stanley, I don't believe that.

Who are you going to believe, him or someone who gets a B on her composition,

Honesty is the Best Policy?

You wrote a composition on honesty?

Yeah, don't you remember?

You helped me write it.

Well, that's true. Honesty is the best policy.

You should have gotten an A on that composition.

What was the line that Archie told you?

She said he was going to sing with me.

brushes. But now without a father, I can't even be in the contest.

Oh, listen, don't worry. I'll buy you a set of paints.

All the kids' fathers could buy them paints and brushes, but it's not the

as winning one.

Well, you want me to talk to him for you?

It won't do any good. Well, it can't hurt to try.

He doesn't like taking care of me.

Oh, it's you.

Geez, I thought you'd be in the storeroom by now.

Listen, Arch, I would like to talk to you about that father and daughter

Oh, no, no. Look, it's a contest.

The kid can't get into it without you. No, Murray absolutely needs to know.

All you have to do is one... No, no.

I ain't gonna go up there, sit around all night, listen to a bunch of kids

murder the music language.

And through them things, Murray, God...

There's some peanut over here scraping away at a cello.

And another one over there making out like she's a gypsy dancer banging her

tangerines against a little keister.

Besides, I don't want to go out in the rain.

What rain?

Don't you know it always rains on them parents' nights?

The whole school smells like rubber coats and galoshes and wet wool. It

nauseates me.

Mom, I said no.

It's final.

Please. Come on. I'll see you back at the bar.

I don't get you.

Did you hear that?

I'm sorry, baby.

No.

I got an idea.

What?

Well, no, I can't sing.

But I could play for you.

Would you?

Now, would your school let me fill in as your father?

Well, the teacher said it was okay for Uncle Archie to fill in.

So why not you?

I'll ask her tomorrow.

Okay.

You know something, Steph?

I wish I was your father.

I'd love having a little girl like you.

I wish you were, too.

You love me more than Uncle Archie.

That's right.

Not bad.

Even I like that one.

See? That only goes to prove that music has charms to soothe a savage breast.

That's beautiful, Mr. Bernard.

What does it mean?

Don't you understand the English language?

Huh?

Boy, Hank, you're a dope.

Haven't you ever seen those pictures in the National Geographic?

There's always a native band.

playing the hollow coconuts, while the lady savages are standing around having

their bazoom charm?

That's what they mean when they say, music charms the savage breast.

Shakespeare played the coconuts?

Then let this guy vote.

You're wrong, Barney. The line was by William Congreve, and it goes, music has

charms to soothe.

A savage breast.

Oh, I didn't know it if you said it that way.

History and our friendship, you know that?

Hey, Murray, Murray, do you know love is just around the corner?

No, but I'll get my hat and go with you.

Mr. Klein.

Yes, sir.

Can you play something sad? I'm peeling onions.

Come on, will you? There's enough hilariously over there.

Harry, get up your butt and get behind the bar, will you?

Okay, okay. Harry, can you come over here, please, and help me count these

Oh, well now.

What's bothering you?

There's nothing bothering me, Harry.

Why do you have to go with the kid to that parent's night?

I'm going to play for her.

Why do you have to play for her?

Well, is she going to sing a cappella?

No, she's going to sing always.

A cappella means she's got to sing without a piano.

So let her sing without a piano.

Do you want her to lose?

How do you know she's going to lose?

Ask the guy.

She's going to lose.

See?

Yeah, but, Jose, there's one thing that you ain't taught her.

What the hell does that mean?

That means sticks and stones can break my bones, but ain't gonna hurt.

I'm gonna ship this guy back to Nicaragua with the bananas and the

No, you're not.

Yeah, take a fire.

You gonna hire a citizen for an extra $50 a week?

I'll give him another chance.

And stop giving him the... What, do you want to let him give me the...

No, he can't do that. Okay.

I'll do that. I'm your partner.

Hey,

Arch. Why don't you go up to the school with the kid? You'll love it. Come on,

will you? Give me a break. Why do the schools have to get us all mixed up with

that kind of crap all...

Why do I have to go out on a rainy night and go sing for a paint set?

The paint set isn't for you.

Winning is the thing. Doing something important.

I'll let her paint the kitchen.

Didn't you want your bowling team to win that disgraceful -looking trophy you

got? Hold it, hold it. That's a very beautiful trophy.

Silver -plated bowling ball.

Being held aloft by a naked lady with a clock in her navel.

Murray, that ain't a beautiful item.

I don't know what's beautiful.

It's okay, Uncle Murray.

My teacher said it's okay. Your teacher? She did say it was okay.

Hold it, hold it.

Just hold it.

What's okay?

Marie can play piano for me and be my father on Father and Daughters Night at

school. That's right. Now we've got to do some rehearsing, get you the right

kind of dress.

Hold it, hold it. There's a flag on the play here.

I'm going to be there, Marie.

He's not?

Oh, no, he don't need to be there because I decide to sing with you after

What made you change your mind?

Well, he likes to take care of you.

But what about you?

I told the teacher you were going to play piano for me.

Listen, let me ask you something. Is there any rule against a girl having two

fathers?

two fathers, and Annabelle Fitch has three mothers.

Well, then I'm going to play for you.

Wait a second, Arch.

Can I join you, too?

Well, I didn't know he was coming to part.

Dear.

Dear, you come on and play the piano for us. Only, uh, don't play so loud. We'll

just play all the singing.

right. It's in the bag. Come on. We got to rehearse and especially you.

Bates do? She played the violin and her father accompanied her on the flute.

Uh, some terrible duet by John Philip Mozart.

Okay, so you didn't win first prize.

What'd you get for second?

Oh, I didn't get second neither.

I was won by some Italian kid in a role, man, by the name of Cantino.

What'd they do?

They played Amapola on twin accordions.

And you'd think of anything.

and voice on an accordion and amapola.

Yeah, Lady of Spain. Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, you know how it is. The fix was in there. Them prizes is always won

the kids whose parents is running up to the school for them PPT meetings.

Anyway, guys, Stephanie was heartbroken. Oh, yeah.

She went to the ladies' room.

Now, get some food down that kid and get him home.

I stuck to you in there?

of your office. Come on, I've got to get you something to eat and get you home

to bed, huh?

Steffi, we don't care whether you won or not. We want to hear you song.

Yeah!

I feel like singing.

You want to do it.

No good.

Steffi.

Says who?

We didn't win, did we?

As long as you do the best you can, nobody can ask for more.

And what's the difference if you didn't win?

Winning isn't everything.

Yeah, well, you know, losing ain't nothing either.

But hey, it's over, kids. Forget it. That's life.

Judges are bored.

Frankly, Steph, I thought that you were the best.

Right, Arch?

Yeah, certainly she was the best.

Come on.

Let's show them, huh?

to do