Original subtitles

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of

Holy Spirit be with us all evermore.

WBC Tragedy Special. As the nation mourns, we bring you all the gloom

gloom. I'm Jay Garrick. The grief time headlines.

The mission's fourth bomb has at last been traced. It was seen going off

approximately two hours ago in the middle of what used to be Israel.

Over 5 million people are known to have perished, including 300 ,000 United

States Marines who only recently arrived in Israel as part of President Johnny

Cyclops' peace strategy.

The president's only listed son, Ralph, speaking from his army base in Montana,

commented, since I joined the WACs and told Pop I wish to be known as Laverne,

he hasn't actually spoken to me.

But I know if I do one of those poor G .I .s who frizzle out there in

Pop will be as heartbroken as any father today.

Cyclops himself was said to be too shocked for comment at this time and

silent when the news was broken to him at lunchtime during a special gala

screening of Exodus in New York City.

How the bomb went off is not yet known, but with the finger of suspicion

pointing firmly at the Soviet Union, all American and NATO forces have now been

placed in a worldwide nuclear alert. The Kremlin claim America was sending the

bomb to the shore of Iran's revolutionary forces when something went

wrong. A story, it says, could be verified by the shore of Iran's parrot.

Meanwhile, sources close to the parrot have denied any such. But hold your

horses. I'm being thrust another piece of emergency paper that threatens to

the world on its axis.

With America's Middle East forces now exterminated, the Soviet Union have

fresh divisions across the Persian Gulf into Saudi Arabia, thus tightening their

stranglehold on the world's oil supplies.

And as the chattering teeth of the teleprinters throb out the news, we'll

you a minute -by -minute update on the continuing crisis.

That's after this. Important word now for the makers of the Benzinger 18 -hour

hug -you -tight super -stuff.

This is terrible.

What can I say, boys and girls? I hold myself personally responsible for this

tragedy. I, as the haped custodian of truth, justice, and a socialist way,

should have seen this crisis coming with my telescopic vision.

You could then have slipped into a phone box and changed into your secret

identity as a man of steel.

Head to Jerusalem at the speed of light. Wrapped yourself around a quark bomb

and thus muffled the nuclear blast with my indestructible body.

Will you both shut up?

Can't you see what's happening? The Russians are taking over the world.

They've blown up Israel, annexed Iran and Saudi Arabia, and Great Britain's

on the bloody list.

Look, they're caging us in, Kev, in our own office.

Iron bars do not a prison make, Brian.

But if it will make you feel any easier, I'll have a word with that new Soviet

advisor, Chappie. He'll be dropping in any second.

Advisor?

Good morning, comrade Pork.

I am Commissar Sosinitsin. No relation.

And I have been assigned to your government to offer a little friendly

neighborly assistance.

Please accept this with my compliments.

A new office chair.

Yes, indeed. It is also electrically heated with special fitments to

the nerve endings. A positive boon for rheumatic sufferers. It sounds to be

the ticket for your travel, Brian.

Perhaps the foreign secretary would care to try it out. You're not getting me

into that contraption.

He's just the same as the dentist.

A small favor, if you would.

Fire away, Alex.

Well, as you know, the fact that...

The fact that the bomb went to

Israel is the fault of the imperialist cretin Cyclops.

Unfortunately, only one man can verify that story for us. You will therefore

have the Shah of Iran removed from his ferry and brought here to me for

questioning. Say no more.

I'll fix it up right away.

I cannot see anyone, O Radiant of the World.

Oh, God.

I'm dead.

Listen carefully.

I will swim for the shore and somehow try to find my way to America.

If you get taken by the KGB, remember, tell them nothing.

Fear not, Master.

I have the scissors here. I will now cut off my tongue.

Wait until after I've gone, will you, Abder?

Right.

Switch on the oxygen.

Very good, Master.

Are you sure there is enough oxygen in this cylinder?

Oh, yes.

For God's sake, help me. I will never get out of this alive.

There is nothing to worry about. The Prime Minister is Superman.

A mature crusader from Krypton.

Able to fly faster than a speeding bullet. Can leap tall buildings at a

bound. Will you shut up and help me?

Hey, is that the White House?

Get me President Cyclops fast.

That's the most damn fool mission I ever heard of. Picking up a guy from a ferry

boat when he doesn't even know we're coming.

You heard the message.

We're going to turn him over to the Russians.

Unless we get there first.

Hey, there she is, soldier. Swing her down.

Jesus, I think we struck lucky. I hate you. Thank you, David.

My exorcist.

And in the light of events in the Middle East, we have formulated a response

designed to show the President Cyclops is not a man to be pushed around.

Quiet, Mr. President.

when the President recorded a special crisis address to the nation. And while

is being edited, our plan of action will be outlined to you by the Secretary of

Defense. Thank you, Dick.

Basically, gentlemen, this is a can of worms that could squeal antsy in the

ticket if we don't potentiate the existing nuclear situation.

Accordingly, we plan a nuclear airburst here in the Polyostrov Peninsula, which

will stonewall the nuclear beeper and avoid any boondoggle in the fish tank.

Apparently we have to fox the grease monkeys in the crap house and by tossing

them a Lulu from the nuclear squeak bag.

Put simply, gentlemen, we're going to fire one nuclear missile. That's nuclear

missile at an unpopulated area in northern Russia up here just as a

shot. Then we tell the Soviets, unless they get the hell out of Saudi Arabia,

we're going to fire another missile armed with a quark warhead at a major

Russian city.

Naturally, this is just a bluff. There's no way I could risk a real preemptive

strike, but it's a bluff. I don't reckon Dubyankin will dare to call.

And that's why I figure he'll knuckle down and pull his men out.

Yeah, now that's all clear.

To give it to you with the bark off, man, we're going to slice open the

and hunker down the blue chips, then pray the sun's a bit to keep the caps on

the bottle, because our trigger man is shit scared he'll get his ass burned.

Yep. Mr. Hahn with the videocassette, sir. Send him through.

Mr. President!

I still think you're making a mistake with this man. No, Deacon. Saul Hahn is

the most dynamite movie director I ever worked with. Well, just bet he's made

that speech I recorded earlier look like a million dollars.

Hi, Saul. Come on in.

Gentlemen, Mr.

Saul W. Hahn directed all my early pictures at MGM. Come on, sit down,

Okay, Deacon, let her roll.

I'll see you again real soon.

So long, pal.

So long there.

Holy hell, shit.

Sir, if the Lord had meant us to have faith in geriatrics, he would never have

given us the Supreme Court.

Time is short, Mr. President.

You'll have to do the broadcast live.

That'll be all, thank you, gentlemen.

As you can see, the President is in full control of the situation.

Emergency communion will be held in the chapel, six o 'clock.

Gee, all because we tried to send the Shah a quark bomb.

The Shah won't give us away now, Mr. President.

I've had him removed from that ferry to a place the Russians will never find

him.

One hundred and twenty -seven francs.

Is that you, suffering hideously from jet lag, music of the spheres?

Where am I? They have brought us to Florida, oh, top of the pops.

Florida? Excellent.

Which hotel are we in? I did not see, but we must be on the top floor, for we

were a very long time in the lift.

Oh, just think about that. No more seasickness, no more air sickness, no

Is it my imagination or is this room shaking?

I will find out, Master.

It's a very simple device.

This device marks the brain signal.

Like this.

Yes, yes.

I turn on the device, and everything is done.

My name is Stalinslav Jozefovich Dubienkin.

Russia is a great country.

Look,

I put this device in the president's head.

Where is the brain?

of the American people who believe I can act

to pull the world back from the brink of disaster.

Within the last hour, I have authorized the launch of a 5 -megaton cruise

missile at an unpopulated area of northern Russia.

This missile is no more than a warning shot, but unless I receive in the next

two hours... an undertaking from Mr. Dubyankin that he will pull his troops

of Saudi Arabia, I have to tell you that a second missile, armed with a quirk

warhead, will be launched against one of the Soviet Union's major cities.

Ladies and gentlemen, I swear to you, on this holy Bible, I am not bluffing.

What the world needs today is a man who can stand up to the forces of darkness.

A man who will not... flinch from executing his duty in the service of

democracy.

Citizens of America, I am Batman.

Hey, watch that button!

God damn it! As if our job wasn't hard enough, the White House is to send us

these two dumbos.

Hey, you!

Blind pew!

Fix the satellite. Now, while we're gone, touch nothing. You hear me?

Nothing. I hear and obey.

Hear not, waltz of the toreadors.

I am coming.

How could they do this to me? How could they be so unfeeling?

The astronauts, where have they gone?

They are outside the ship, Phantom of the Opera, repairing the satellite.

But what if anything should go wrong in here?

Nothing will go wrong, Hound of the Baskervilles.

We are on board the space shuttle, the most infallible craft American

has ever produced.

Oh, my God!

Quickly, end it! Pass me the fire extinguisher! Hurry, hurry!

Quickly!

What can I say, boys and girls? I've been living in a land of make -believe

along. Thank God I've managed to come to my senses at last.

I can see it all now.

The Russians are up to no good, and I alone can save the world from

Now, there's only one way to escape.

By vibrating the atoms in my body at a speed equal to the molecular velocity of

this wall, I can make a hole right through to the other side and unlock the

door.

No! Wait!

I shall use the magical power ring bestowed on me by the guardians of the

universe to form a giant boxing glove and smash the door down.

Stop! You've both gone stark raving mad.

I, as the wingy wonder from the planet Thanagar, will use my super ability to

converse with birds and summon a pair of woodpeckers who can then pick the lock.

Super wheeze, Brian, and then together we can overwhelm the entire Soviet army.

And I can form a huge pair of green scissors and slip up all the warheads.

their missiles while I

Heading for Moscow?

How in hell did that happen?

Sir, if the Russians mistake the space shuttle for a nuclear missile... I know,

I know.

Mary, patch me through in the hotline quick, will you?

Deacon, I thought you were to pray to God to get me out of this mess.

I did, sir. Well, what did he say? I can't work miracles.

Now he tells us.

Oh, come on. Answer the goddamn phone for Christ's sake.

Hello. This is Stalin Slav to be agent here. Thank God. Now listen, about the

space shuttle. I'm afraid I'm not in it.

And we begin the right counterattack.

We need to vote who is for the counterattack. Yes.

WBC World Crisis Special. I'm Jay Garrick. Take another Valium. A final

the headlines.

In Waxahachie, Texas today, a man carrying a World Ends Tomorrow banner

arrested and charged with leaking classified information.

Another piece of emergency paper still hot with horror is being thrust into my

hands. Reports are coming in of a massive Soviet nuclear attack on

America. 52 multiple warhead missiles, each packing a punch of 64 megatons, are

at this very moment heading for major targets all over the United States.

Estimated impact 33 minutes from now. A Pentagon spokesman commented, there is

no cause for alarm.

And now the fourth news.

You have four and a half minutes to decide on the nuclear retaliation, Mr.

President. A further 25 minutes to get to the bunker, helicopter waiting on the

lawn.

Yeah.

Right.

Hello. Oh, no, honey, I'm working late at the office.

Well, no, I got a couple of things to take care of here, but I'll join you

there in the shelter real soon, okay?

So long, Angel.

That was Jane.

Best wife of men ever.

Well, I guess we better be moving.

Yeah.

I'll make the decision on the plane.

As you wish, Mr. President.