Original subtitles

Okay,

you guys.

We dock and hype in 25 minutes.

Israeli, a climatization drill.

Command, now.

Hut, hut, hut, hut. One, two, three, four.

Listen, this will ruin me. All right, then, so I'll start.

Mishmash, Mishmash.

Mommy, bring the caterer. So why are you a slacker?

Palestine, it's Palestine.

Listen, who's to steal?

One, two, three, four, busy, busy, rich, or... fake!

Okay, Addies.

General E .F. Gizzard Pemberley would like a word with you now.

General?

Now, I won't miss words with you guys.

The Soviet invasion of Iran has presented us with the gravest threat to

peace this century.

As a show of force...

The president has ordered 20 divisions of the United States Army into Israel.

Father here, I want this outfit at all times to be 100 % combat ready. And

all, I want you to look upon me not just as an officer, but as a friend.

A very special friend, if you like.

The kind of friend you can learn to care for, not just in a platonic sense, but

in a very deep, sincere, and physical way.

Oh, thank you very much. Any time you feel the need to come and see me in my

cabin, well, that's what I'm here for.

And, of course, if you want to bring a friend along, well, that's very much our

job.

This is the translation, sir. Oh, good, yeah.

We in the Soviet Union did not invade Iran at all. The Archmulla merely

some of our tank crews to spend a few weeks holiday there.

The Soviet Union had recently received information that the imperialist jackals

and trails... That's you, Mr. President. Oh, is it?

Deacon, who is this?

Chuck, sir. Chuck is assigned to stay with you around the clock, and that case

contains the tales of your retaliatory options in the event of a Soviet nuclear

attack. Oh, I see. Hi.

I'm the President of the United States.

That will be Dr.

Why, nigger, sir?

The psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist? We can't be certain that your mental ability hasn't been

Oh, come on. I'm as sane as I ever was.

That's all.

Whose idea was it to send the troops to Israel as a show of strength? Mine, sir.

Yeah, but who signed the authorization?

The vice president, sir.

Yeah, but whose idea was it, Deacon? Whose idea to pull out six of our pawns

from the U .S. Soviet chess tournament as an international trophy?

If the hospital can let you return to duty, they have to carry out certain

tests. Well, they won't catch me out. I'll behave as if I'm completely normal.

Good morning, Mr. President.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Now then, how are you feeling?

Oh, fine, fine. I never felt better.

But I just poured a vase of water all over your head.

Yeah, that's right, you did.

And yet you said nothing.

Well, no.

We must check your eyes to make sure that you are not suffering from any

spells.

Yes, but what do you see?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Oh, you see something happening to my bow tie. No, no, no, it's fine, it's

fine.

Well, I'm not sure that you are quite ready for the regals of normal work.

What am I holding in my hand, Mr. President?

That is a pen.

That is a ballpoint pen.

Ballpoint pen.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I feel fine.

Oh, Mr. President.

Tell me, what am I sitting on now?

Oh, God.

A chair.

A goddamn chair.

Listen, I am not crazy, you hear me? I am completely sane and normal, and you

are sitting...

I'm a terrorist.

WBC Dateline News. From north to south, from bad to worse, I'm Jay Garrick, but

for how much longer?

Main story of the day. President Cyclops will not be leaving hospital for a few

more days yet.

Psychoneurologist Dr. Horst Weiniger said he plans to keep the president in

a little routine brain surgery.

Meanwhile, further international tension is sure to develop following today's

shock announcement that the United Kingdom is to join the Warsaw Pact. The

is expected to arouse widespread protests throughout Great Britain.

All police leave has been cancelled and tonight six cafes will be raided in

Brixton. In the meantime, a few hours ago in Tehran, Soviet leader Dvinkin

in to pay a brief call on Russia's other new satellite country, Iran.

Thank you, Archmula. You are looking very well.

Yes, how fortunate that I am not in Siberia, so I can greet you personally.

Let me shake your hand.

And now I must go away for a long rest.

My doctors have recommended a little holiday camp called... the Gulag

Archipelago.

I think you will be most comfortable there.

Let us drink a toast to our two great countries.

A toast!

Oh, misery me.

It's getting right up my nose.

Oh, misery me. Great Britain in the Warsaw Pact.

Is it that we've got a psychotic Prime Minister on our hands? Now the Foreign

Secretary has signed us up to permanent slavery.

Oh, holy Herod Antipas. Will you give over, Grizzly, and let me think?

Hello. Hello, Esther.

Oh, Jesus wept for sin.

Sorry to keep you, boys and girls.

about this Warsaw Pact business.

Jolly good idea, I must say. The Russian ambassador sent us all this guff. It

looks fairly straightforward to me.

Now then, what have we got here?

Congratulations, Great Britain, for you have just joined the world's foremost

defence and freedom organisation.

Oh, holy Jericho.

To become a member of this elitist set says more about your country than...

Nearly had a disaster on my hands there, boys and girls. I thought my super

breath was going to blow a hole right through that wall.

That's it.

What are you doing? Sit down.

It's a kryptonite.

Not by being brought into the dead plant of Krypton. Absolutely lethal to all

its former inhabitants.

Are you going to start writing, man? Pull yourself together.

You know, Brian, I think he's been overdoing things.

Now, where were we?

By taking advantage of our special opening offer, you will receive,

without obligation, one top party official as security advisor, plus six

secret policemen every month.

I understand I may cancel my membership at any time, subject to the usual

military formalities. A real scoop.

Well, boys and girls, it's back to the chocolate factory.

I hope you'll be feeling better soon, Dave.

Oh, misery me.

Here is a newsflash.

During the last few minutes, a Soviet nuclear -powered submarine has been

sighted in Staines Reservoir.

It is believed to have been brought to service by a freak windstorm, which has

totally baffled meteorologists.

The windstorm, which measured force 10 on the Bolet scale, seems to have

originated from the general direction of central London.

not necessary.

Well, I should just hope not.

Anybody tries to give me a lobotomy, they'll get a piece of my mind.

I feel just fine now, Deacon, so when do I get out of this goddamn hole?

Everything's well in hand, sir. I've told the press you have 24 hours to live

and your popularity rating has rocketed overnight.

At 8 .45 tonight, I shall lead the nation in an act of supplication on the

Playtex Tootsie Roll Pray -In Program.

And at 7 .15 tomorrow morning, you will make a miracle recovery snatch from the

jaws of death.

Isn't modern religion a wonderful thing?

We have more printing matters, sir. I referred, of course, to the missing

box. Oh, but that's all down the tube now, surely. I mean, with the Russians

Iran, we haven't got a hope in hell of putting the shawl back.

You'll have to get on to this lacrobat guy right away and tell him the whole

thing's off.

I mean, it's as simple as that. If the Lord had meant it to be as simple as

that, he would never have given us Valium.

For the deception to succeed in the first place, Lacrobat had to believe he

working for the enemy. Left unchecked, he will deliver the bomb straight into

the hands of the Soviets. Our problem is to find him, let alone stop him.

Jesus Christ!

The Soviets have invaded Iran. We're on the brink of a full -scale war.

We sent a guy to hand over our deadliest weapon to the other side, and don't eat

the goddamn marzipan!

Lacrobat can't elude us forever.

I have here some probable lacrobat sightings and eyewitness reports.

Now, they present a certain pattern which I think could help us. This one

days ago.

Stiggy Redwood, a deaf and dumb lumberjack from Gypsumville, Manitoba,

he was in Geneva for a log rolling competition and had with him his own

-foot Sequoia log.

This one the following day, Zippo Quicksilver, an agnostic carpet salesman

suffering from Quincy, has two thousands of maples carrying a seven -foot roll

of Axminster. He claims to be ordered for the power of Caesar.

This one only yesterday, sir.

Yafet Von Buggery, a Westphalian sleeper deck who only eats organic rice,

arrived in Teetergrad to deliver a seven -foot length of back of chimney to the

local paper mill.

To these, he ought to be somewhere around Greece about now.

Precisely, sir. I've had every official in the Aegean put on full alert. There

is no way on earth he can pass through the net this time.

Open that casket and you will be damned for all eight townies dead.

Mr. Sloazwa, Montgomery, Indenburg.

Mr. of Dubberry, Gobble, Danziger, Snot, Glendelsnitch, Floisois, and the

Whipsnade. Much to the world of show business.

We have a great A security alert on, and I must inspect.

Moment, you do not understand.

I am the Floisois personal undertaker to the stars of the silver

screen. Here are some of my glittering notices.

Great arrangement. The sequined guitars on the lead are a treat.

Jim Reeves.

The biggest funeral I've ever had in my life. Sam Goldwyn. I can't wait

to drop dead.

Barry Manilow.

Monsieur, I have buried the greatest names in show business.

Monsieur Bob Hope.

Yes. me on a weekly retainer.

I have looked inside.

I forbid you to open this casket. Give me that.

I demand to speak to your superiors.

me see into his casket oh and you are mr macabre

trans -global theatrical undertaking service and

all the men and women merely thieves

so if you're quite satisfied just one moment

you say you bury members of the entertainment profession

Why is this casket so large?

It was a double act.

If you will excuse me. A double act?

You are saying there are two people inside this casket? Are we?

Let me see the death certificate.

The Kubelsky Dwarves?

A very popular midget act.

They died of simultaneous heart attacks while visiting the Parthenon. It is my

duty now to transport them to their native Jerusalem.

It sounds genuine.

No.

not, gentlemen.

I do not.

I shall not carry this basket personally to the cargo world. And when I get to

Jerusalem, mark my words, the rocket, he will go up.

Welcome to BC Dateline News. I'm Jay Garrick. Try these two for size.

Chief of America's forces in Israel, General E .F. Gizzard Pemberley, was

up today when a terrorist bomb exploded underneath his bed.

Two 18 -year -old Marines were also killed.

Meanwhile, in response to America's call for the Soviet Union to get out of Iran

or face the consequences, the Soviet ambassador today issued the following

communique. Go screw yourselves, Yankee bastards.

Officials in Washington are now studying the details of the statement before

deciding on their next move.

to an English channel ferry for a special live interview between David

the Shah of Iran.

Hello, good evening, and welcome.

I can't find Dr. Weininger anywhere, sir, but Sister said that these would

calm you down.

All right.

Gee, I never thought I'd see the day I had to sign this one, Deacon.

Authorization to select possible nuclear missile targets in the United Kingdom.

Sir, if the Lord had meant man to live in England, he would have given him

gills.

Polk knew what he was doing when he joined the Warsaw Pact.

Wounded Polk.

Excellent. When?

Airport security of Jerusalem, sir. They think they found the quack bomb.

Get this area clear.

A window display model for the Beershaver Tricks and Novelties

A member of the international toy shop chain of Bloomingdale, Blitzstein,

Gelbart, Gamo, Abednego, Lipski, Kappa, and Schlepp.

It is not confirmed.

This time the devil has been caught out of that.

Mazel tov, monsieur.

Let's hope it doesn't go up.

Where's the problem?

Security check.

Where are you going?

Please, do not touch the casket, okay?

Who's your passenger, buddy?

This happens to be the body of General Pemberley. I would expect you to have a

little more respect.

How come you're driving coffins around at this hour?

He's cool, bud. I just got word from base. Change of plan.

The whole thing gives out, you know, tonight.

Security precaution.

Adios, amigos.

Hang on.

Ain't it going in the wrong direction?

Hey, you there.

let's get this on the jeep.

We'll have to take it there ourselves.

late, late special.

It's 3 a .m. I'm Jay Garrick and you're an insomniac.

The Saudi Fed headlines.

Following the Soviet invasion of Iran, the revolutionary junta in Saudi Arabia

has just announced they will restore all America's oil supplies in full in

exchange for certain guarantees regarding their national security.

The news will come as a huge relief to President Cyclops, who, in response to

nationwide prayers yesterday evening, made a miracle recovery from his fatal

wound at 7 .15 a .m. this morning.

Meanwhile, the Soviet reaction to the Saudi move has been strangely muted, and

the feeling among many Western diplomats is that Mr. Dubenkin may yet have one

or two further plans up his sleeve.

Are you sure you feel well enough to return to the White House, sir? Sure, I

never felt better in my life, Deacon.

Just think, once we move our troops down from Israel into Saudi Arabia, the

Soviets won't dare touch them.

Meantime, the oil tankers can start sailing again and the U .S. can start

getting back on their feet again at long last.

Yes, sir, Deacon.

I got a feeling all our problems will soon be over.

He who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live.

For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us an eternal way to the glory

beyond all.

and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with us all evermore.

The crematorium?

It's just down the road about that.