All language subtitles for Whoops Apocalypse s01e03 How To Get Rid Of It

WBC Dateline News, bringing you all the
news that's news this summer's morning.

I'm Jay Garrick. Hope you are, too.

First news of America's horrifying new
nuclear deterrent, the Quark bomb,

formerly known as the Johnny Cyclops
bomb, after the president of the same

We're just getting reports in from the
Pentagon that none of these terrifying

bombs has just been stolen.

As he announced the news this morning,
Captain Mendel Krybotnik denied

suggestions that one of the bombs had
been stolen by an international

group, possibly the PLO or Black
September Movement, but he couldn't say

one for certain.

While it had been stolen, could be
easily activated, Captain Krybotnik was

rushed to hospital suffering from an old
war wound.

He wanted to ask for the reaction of the
Soviet Union.

Yes,

yes.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

What is this?

Quark bomb.

Bomba Johnny.

Yes,

all is well so far.

Of course, getting it from here in
Nevada to the Middle East will not be

But I think there is one man who can
pull it off for us. His name is

Many call him the devil.

No, I have not actually met him, but he
has sent a...

A demo tape.

Apparently it contains some testimonials
from people who have employed him.

Look, I will watch it now and call you
back.

I like that.

You know, in a job like banking, good
mercenaries are essential.

And that's why I always plump for
Lekrebet, the deviant.

Some people call him the man of a
thousand faces. And it's not that.

Do you see why?

When I was hired in 67 to... stir things
up a tiny bit in Nigeria.

He was posing as Moses Mbimbi, a black,
educated, early Islamic pottery

consultant with prostate trouble.

A truly brilliant cover.

If it's mercenaries you're after,
lecribets you mean.

Hello, old chum.

My name is Prakash Ranjisinji of
Armitrage, Engineer, Patel, Ganges, and

Popadom, and I think you're delighted.

to be able to recommend this excellent
lacrobat fellow. Oh, not half. Oh, yes,

governments toppled, hunters installed,
arms smuggled, or even for that very

special assassination. Why not try
Lacrobat, the dirty trick specialist?

one five -minute telephone call from
this videocassette.

The man of a thousand faces, they call
him. And I specially recommend number

602. It was used for both the Pope jobs
in 1978.

That's from the dear Janet Babyface von
Bismarck.

Hello. My name is Olaf Jokkmokk, and I'm
Swedish.

Oh, dear, I hope you've got the keys to
my whirlwind.

I work for a well -known firm of Swedish
dentists at Carlsberg, Johansson,

Vastanik, Gotland, and Stade. And I
first met Mr. Lacrobat last December to

an estimate for the liquidation of John
McEnroe.

Since only then, while impersonating the
right, honorable mouth, say, Rosenthal,

a diabetic mid -master from Kathmandu,
he has wiped out three in...

Hire firm survival dental surgeons for
us here. Oh, yes, I always use

Lacrovat.

Hello?

Well, yes, he is a little strange, but I
think we can trust him.

By the way, do I ever tell him who he is
working for?

Under no circumstances.

Well, boys and girls, we did it. The
last convoy of Yank missiles leaves

tomorrow.

What's the matter, Dave? You seem tense.

Tense? Be careful.

No.

Jolly good.

Incidentally, I trust neither of you has
said a word to anyone about, um... Oh,

Jerusalem. We thought it best not to,
Cap.

That's the ticket. I wonder where the
tea lady's got to.

Britain, can you hear me?

I've got enough of my hands here with
one mental case. I

don't know what came over me.

Well, try and get a grip of yourself. I
can't bottle it up much longer.

All right, boys and girls, he's just
coming.

Kev, I've been thinking this
disarmament's all very well, but we've

careful we don't just let the Russians
get in by the back door.

Julia stepping up their undercover
operations here.

Rubbish.

You're worrying unnecessarily.

All the same, there are certain things
we should keep to ourselves.

The fact that the Shah of Iran is still
alive, for instance.

He's right, Kev. We don't want to start
another world war, do we? No problem.

I could just use my super strength to
push Britain out of the way and then the

bombs would miss us.

Sometimes I wonder whether you really
believe I am Superman at all.

Well, well. Oh, ye of little faith.

Are these important?

Beading letters from the royal family.

I will now demonstrate the scorching
effect of my super heat vision.

For the treasure of man, he did it!

Good Lord, is that the time? I must fly.

He did it. It's true.

He really is Superman.

Oh, shut up.

The president of the United States. Oh,
I feel silly.

If the Lord had meant us to be sensible,
he would never have given us credit

cards.

You're not supposed to conduct American
foreign affairs through a parrot. I

mean, it's unconstitutional.

Mr. President, Dallam al -Rashid is not
just a parrot.

He is the shah of Iran's parrot.

Everything you say to this bird, he will
repeat word for word to his beloved

master and to nobody else. Yeah, but are
we sure he'll find the Shah on this

cross -channel ferret? Once released at
Dover, he will fly straight to the boat,

faster than the Lord to Aleppo.

Your Imperial Majesty, you may have
noticed that I am sending this message

you by means of a parrot.

That is because what I am about to say
is of such a highly sensitive and

confident... Are you sure he's getting
all this?

Well, the situation is this. The quark
bomb has not been stolen by a terrorist.

We stole it ourselves.

Unless...

gave it to a terrorist. Oh, I don't
think so.

There's no turning back now, sir. We
have now secretly arranged. Yeah, all

right. Hello.

It's me again.

We have now secretly arranged for an
international mercenary known as the

to give a quiet calm to one of your men
in Iran so that when the time comes,

armed with the world's most powerful
deterrent, you will easily regain your

rightful perch.

Now, that's so great.

And we hope to have you off that ferry
very soon.

May we rest, Mr. President?

Oh, Nick.

Oh, gee.

P .S.

I would now be very grateful if you
would eat me.

You know what to do. Take the bird
straight to Dover.

Have faith in the good book, Mr.
President. For with the good book, we

accomplish anything.

concern over the missing quark bomb
formerly known as the johnny cyclops

after the president of the same day the
bomb scratches two meters long with a

diameter of 85 centimeters has the
explosive power of 50 conventional

devices

Excuse me, officer. Was I exceeding the
permitted speed limit?

Okay, where's the circus?

Oh, I see.

You just want direction.

I'm afraid I'm a stranger. Cut the crap.

Don't you know you can get ten years and
a pen on a porno rap in this here

state?

Oh, no, officer. This isn't pornography.

Well, it sure ain't a tootsie roll.

No, no.

This is a rare Peruvian phallus of Aztec
origin, originally erected at the time

of Pizarro's conquest of Atahualpa.

Is this your wagon?

No, no, no. This is leased to me by the
firm of Wadich, Flack, Ellsberg, Martin,

and Malvolio. You want to see my driving
license?

A duty made out in the name of
Gladstone, Ganymede, Princewell,

of Palaeontology, and... Where are you
headed?

Why did the airport, sir? I have to
convey this treasure to the British

London, England, Britain, Europe.

I know where it is.

I have here the relevant documentation
signed, as you can see, by Professors

Venables, Pilger, Tatlock, Aramis, and
Dance, exchanged to... The

woman may concern.

Professor Princewell is a qualified...
...artivist.

Artivist?

Specializing in ancient, uh, ink...
...ar -ography.

Ink -a -nack -a -nography.

Fully authorized to drive a giant dong
about.

Look, if you're quite satisfied, I'll be
on my way. You know how long customs

take over this kind of thing.

Oh, no, you don't.

You must think I'm a right maroon.

I wouldn't let you be seen in the
terminal with a thing like this.

I'll get one of my boys to slip you
through the security screen and load it

early. Before it causes a riot.

They're really most terribly kind, sir.

Is there anything we can cover it up
with?

Well, uh... Does this roll neck
sweater... I think we

better keep her to Jewish.

Yes,

we are very much approved of your new
policy towards the Americans.

Oh, good.

We love the way you, how you say, kick
them in the bullocks.

The peace all over them.

Yes. Mr. Dubienkin. Sit down.

It's the first time you have visited
Russia, is it not? Yes, actually.

Well, this is a steak.

Feel it.

And I can promise you it's not the only
one we have.

In Russia, we have dozens of this.

Dozens.

But this is our country's most popular
dish of all. Ah, salt.

Finest quality.

Try.

Russia refuse to eat anything else.

By lucky coincidence, we have more than
800 billion

tons of it.

So Russia's a fortunate country, is she
not? If we might turn to policy

discussion. Forgive me.

What the United Kingdom is really aiming
at is a kind of neutral posture. When

the world war comes.

All neutral countries will have same
options as that piece of steak.

Rare, medium, or well done.

Neutral countries are no friends of
Russia.

Neutral countries keep secrets from us.

Secrets? Secrets, like the American plan
to restore new Shah of Iran to power.

I don't think I'm quite with you.

Even now, we have two of America's top
agents under interrogation. They

will tell us where the new Shah of Iran
is hiding.

Everyone knows the new Shah of Iran is
dead, sir. If this imperialistic

adventurism in the Middle East leads to
a war, neutral countries...

Yes, but that won't happen, will it,
sir? Because the Shah is dead, isn't he?

The fact that the Shah of Iran is still
alive, for instance.

I wonder if you have ever considered
joining the Warsaw Pact.

Believe me, Mr. President, we will get
Mr. and Mrs. Hopper out of that Russian

prison cell. There's no way this plan
can fail.

First of all, we airdrop 28 Filipino
hookers into the compound to keep the

occupied. Should the area commander be
around, we'll also have a faggot in a

wetsuit on standby.

Next, we keep the Soviet radar busy with
a plague of locusts over Volgograd.

I've checked with Bug Warfare, and they
tell me they can get 20 swarms

airworthy, no sweat.

As a further distraction, I will
personally strap my body to a neutron

Mr. President. I'm sure you've taken a
lot of trouble over this rescue plan,

I really don't think... I failed you,
sir.

Don't worry. I won't embarrass you a
moment longer.

No, no!

Not here, Mr. Grant.

Perhaps we could just hear your next
suggestion. Certainly, sir.

Operation Big Thor, sir. A team of
Cubans flood the Armenian water supply

-lax, and while everyone's in the jar,
we... Uh, Operation Duck Soup, sir.

The CIA circulate rigged Polaroids
showing Dubienkin as a child molester.

no! A lie for a lie, a truth for a
truth, Mr. President.

We're talking about the salvation of two
American citizens.

Look, how about you take a chopper over
from one of our bases in Turkey?

We could cause a diversion with an
anthrax attack on Tokyo.

No diversions. Just you and a few apes
in a helicopter.

The Israelis did it, and we have an
entire testament to play with. Very

Mr. President. But if I'm caught, I'll
insist I was doing it all off my own

There's nothing they can do to make me
talk. They can put burning needles down

my fingernails. Thank you, Mr. Hopper.
They can shove a red -hot, hard -boiled

egg right up my... Oh, thank you.

If you'd like me to leave my kidneys
off, I don't know. Let's go ahead and

out of here.

For the last time, Mr.

Hopper, you think I have just fallen off
the top of a Christmas tree?

I know that you are an undercover CIA
agent. I demand that you tell me what

America is up to in the Middle East.

Otherwise, you can wave goodbye to both
your hands.

If you cut them off, how can he wave
goodbye?

Shut up!

God have mercy on me.

How can I tell you what we don't know?

Right. We'll see if this changes your
mind.

I thought I asked for...

one with a rubber handle.

It had a rubber handle, Commissar. It
didn't have a non -slip easy grip tight

rubber handle, did it?

It's the one out in the stores,
Commissar.

Shut up!

Fortunately, I have a spare one in my
locker.

I will go and get it.

Don't think you are going to get away
with this.

an itch in my leg, spare driving me
loco, would you just scratch it for me?

You know the KGB regulations.

All itches must be scratched only by the
commissar.

Which leg is it?