Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the blessing should be what does it.

Yes, but you must try and anticipate every eventuality. Expect the unexpected

and look for the unforeseeable.

A bit tricky, that one.

Tie up every loophole and cover every loose end.

Shall we dot our T's and cross our I's?

Fingers might be better, but suit yourselves.

Oh, all right. So you've been the hairdresser?

Yeah.

Do you like it?

I suppose the juniors have got to practice on somebody.

So what was the magazine?

Cosmopolitan. Getting hitched without the hitch. I'll get you a copy.

Would that be useful?

Oh, not for you, Malcolm. It's a bit frank. And not just the doctor's page.

And they had the other glossy one. Marie Stopes. Marie Claire.

That's it?

Right.

Yeah, she gave it me to read when the hairdryer broke down. Page 47, Karen

and she was right. I was done in ten minutes.

Don't panic, Mother. Nothing will go wrong, because nothing can go wrong.

Yeah, but Uncle Arthur's giving you away and he goes cockling.

No. Well, he might get stuck on a sandbank.

True. And the church might get it by a meteorite. That's right. Those vandals

will throw anything.

Don't worry, Joyce. Everything will be OK.

Our only worry is we won't leave.

What a thing to say.

And thanks for the present. It was a great idea.

Yeah, I thought you'd like it. But you won't tell Brenda beforehand, will you?

And here and here and here.

No, not that one!

Too late.

What is it?

My secretary's leaving card.

Oh, I'll buy her another one. The decree absolute will be through on the 13th.

As for the settlement, we estimate that the disposal of your business will

realise a similar sum to the pecuniary residuals acquired by the respondent

the sale of the marital accommodation.

I see.

So I won't have to sell my business, then?

Oh, I think you will.

I mean, considering your present lack of liquidity and our disbursements,

consequent upon post hoc juicy carty status antebellum.

I could explain, Mr. Stoneway, but time is money, remember?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I'll pop the details in a letter.

You'll keep it short.

Oh, um... But why him?

Tell you, he was my best mate. Best mate, best man.

Settle up with the rest of them.

And what will you do when he lets you down?

He won't. He might get snowbound in Hemel Hempstead.

Well, I'm sure David would oblige, wouldn't you?

Sure. Is he coming up for your stag night?

Oh, Malcolm's not having one, are you?

Well, I haven't really... He thinks all that kind of stuff's outdated. All that

gaudy macho talk, crude jokes and drinking yourself into a stupor. Sounds

to me.

No, it doesn't.

No, it doesn't. I'm still having my own party, though.

Well, it's different with girls, isn't it? True.

Bring your knitting, Pam.

Oh, of course.

Gosh, I hope they don't run out of baby shampoo.

So I told him, right, four isn't enough for anyone, and as I'd asked him, he

could go for the sniff, but he said it was against his religion, but I know

because he saw some tomcat being done on the town.

Right, that's them. What'll it be, Ross? Gin and tonic, please. Right, I'll get

these, you go over. Now, every time he gets frisky, I just show him me nail

scissors.

Well, let me introduce you.

It's Tracy, Michelle, Sarah, Jeff, Jane, Donna, Cheryl and Cedric Pushoff.

But I brought you all a drink.

Yeah, well, next time we want one each. Go put some music on us.

Hiya, anyone for a refill?

No, thanks, Pam. Good, that's my round in then. Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, we've earned this.

Absolutely. Malcolm brought us. On his bike?

I was. Come through the short straw.

Sidecar. Oh, it's horrible.

It's like going to the laundrette and climbing in with your wash.

Well, it's pretty awful on the back. The suspension must be straight out of Ben

Hur. Could put you off sex for life.

Do you reckon?

Hey, friend, do you think your Malcolm will take my fella for a spin?

He didn't have to come on his bike, you know. He offered. He called round to

keep David company just as we were leaving, and what can you say?

I mean, he looks at you with those big spaniel eyes.

Yeah, well, get any more stocking and he'll pee up your legs.

Congratulations.

So,

where are you going for the honeymoon, then, Brent? I don't know, honestly.

Oh, come on.

I suppose the one advantage of having done it before,

even if you shouldn't have done it with the one you did it with, is when you do

it again, you know what you're doing.

True, very true.

Oh, of course, I'd forgotten you'd... Done it.

Yeah.

Before Pam, was it different?

Well, it was easier. Didn't have the trimmings.

Well, we're not having trimmings. Yeah, keeping it simple.

Right. And not many afterwards.

I said to Brenda, three packets is enough.

Did you?

Yeah, well, there's 12 in a packet.

12 what?

Wedding invitations.

Tell you the truth, David.

I wanted you.

But I was already married.

No, for best man.

Oh, thanks.

But as you did it last time, well, I thought it'd have to be Terry.

I'm surprised you found him.

Oh, he still swapped Christmas cards, you know.

I send him one and he gets it.

Sounds fair.

You sure you won't join me? Oh, no, no, thanks, no. It's nearly closing time. I

thought I might pop round the grape, see if any of the girls want to lift home.

smiled and she said, dead sweet life, if I could do that all over again, I'd do

it all over you.

Good. Oh, there is the same. She says she's still looking for a fella she can

like half as much as he likes himself.

I'm not going to have a long wait then.

So, uh, Ren, are you going to promise to obey?

No. And what's more, I'm leaving out this for worse before I'm definitely

sickness with.

That's the way.

Right, girls, my round.

What do you think?

You're not, aren't you?

What do you think?

You'd be a listener to this lot. You'd counsel it, wouldn't you?

There's only one person encouraging me, and that's for all the wrong reasons.

Who? Here.

What's the matter?

I'm trying to make out she's too young to get in.

We should go easy on the anti -marriage bit.

Oh, what? Is she a bit... Oh, right, OK.

Well, I... You're late.

Yeah, well, I would have been in sooner.

And I was just leaving. And she and I were looking for you, and I said I'd

her. But when she got here and saw it, it was that she wasn't coming.

Mother! But I have persuaded her to sit in the snug if you'll come and join her.

And she said it won't take long, but she's got to say it.

Who's got to say what? Well, I don't know. Go and ask her. She's in the snug.

Oh, Brenda, you do make a meal of him tonight. Have you had a drink yet?

I've got the D right.

Hello, Brenda.

That's all I need.

What do you want?

There's something I wanted to say.

You just don't give up, do you?

Well, look, before you start, let me tell you, you may as well save your

If that gang of so -called mates in there can't talk me out of it with all

horror stories, there's no way... Good.

Good? I'm glad.

Glad? I'm glad you're not being influenced by such people.

Such people? Those people? Hold on, what's the catch?

No catch.

Over the past few weeks, I've thought long and hard about this forthcoming

union. And I've come to realise that I've not always been fair to you.

No, I'm not.

But as you're aware, Malcolm's happiness has always been my sole concern.

I think it's yours, too.

Well, isn't it?

It's not my soul's concern.

This is the rainforest.

I'm here to eat some friendly tuna and free -range eggs.

And you'll always be flippant.

I suppose I shall just have to get used to it.

Won't you?

Stay here.

That's... No, you're right there, Donna.

I'm Donna?

Well, you're right too.

Right up to the dip.

I think we should take the subject.

Right, we'll take the subject.

Did you start around?

It was just quite nice to find someone who was genuinely on my side.

Would you like a drink, Marge?

Thank you.

I'll have a port and lemon, please, Brenda.

Right. Oh, and seeing this is a special occasion, go easy on the lemon.

I've been trying to reach you for three days.

I thought you'd be here sooner to help with arrangements.

Got a message?

Oh, that's pretty feeble, Terry.

Look, if you leave Hemel now, when can you get here?

Oh, brilliant.

The wedding's at two.

I should never have asked him.

What's happened?

He thought it had been put off for a week, idiot.

A message on his answer phone from somebody.

So, it's the old firm, is it?

Would you mind?

Not at all.

And if you ever need me for a second time, just as if, eh?

Yeah, just as if.

Can I use your phone? Yeah, sure.

You know, Pamela's not coming back.

Isn't she?

No, she's taken all her gear.

Everything? For this afternoon.

She's going to help Brenda get ready and then they'll go together.

Oh, yeah.

Hi,

Brenda. Bad news, I'm afraid.

Well, I mean, it's not... No, it's not bad news. It's probably better, really,

cos, er... Well, David knows the ropes, cos we've done it for each other before,

and this'll probably be the last time for both of us.

Malcolm, what are you on about?

Best man won't be here on time.

Snap.

Well, at least my first best man won't, but I've got my second... No, he's not

really my second... Did you say snap?

Uncle Arthur's been arrested.

Arrested? What for?

Cockling in the cloud season.

Misleading the police. I'm failing to provide the specimen. He said it was too

cold.

Well, who's going to give you away?

Oh, don't worry. I've plenty of other uncles.

Right. So, er, see you in church.

Yeah, all right. I'll be the one in the veil.

Erm, Terry couldn't make it.

Oh, what a shame.

Well, Mother, any joy? Don't watch me. I'm looking. Mother, it can't be that

difficult to remember how many brothers you had.

Yeah, but we're all sort of spread out. And anyway, you're just as bad. You

can't remember how many uncles you've got.

Well, we would do if you'd remember to tell us which were the real ones and

which were the temporary ones.

Oh, forget it.

It's going to have to be Plan H.

Oh, Brendan, no.

Oh, he was there at the beginning. He may as well be there at the end.

look, please don't think of this as the end. It's the beginning.

The beginning of you being somewhere else.

Hello? Oh, hi, Julian. No, he's round at hours with David. Can I...? Ooh, and

goodbye for you too, you slimy get.

Julian! Yeah, probably to say that he's cocked up the arrangements and the

wedding's off. Hey, that'd be a laugh.

No, it wouldn't.

No, it wouldn't. No, it wouldn't.

Why haven't we got form M9?

Because M8 had a lapse of calamine.

What?

Slip of the pen.

Well, whose fault was that?

The solicitor for the petitioner. Who?

Me. You?

I have a heavy workload.

Then go.

Now look here. Go!

Bye, Gerald.

Bye, then.

See you.

Hey, you.

What? Try and make sure she gets there, eh? All right.

No, it's OK.

Right. No, we'll pick him up on the way.

Better once round the park than waiting here, though, eh?

Right, I'll see you later.

Bye.

What's up? Oh, nothing for you to worry about. Slight hitch.

Not a meaty right?

Er, no, it's just that the Reverend's been delayed and we're to take our time.

You wouldn't lie to me, would you, Pamela?

Brenda. What a thing to say.

But you assured me you had it.

Yeah, well, we did. Sort of.

Well, almost.

It's on its way. Yeah, special... special messenger.

And I suppose they've tarried a bit around the past few days. He might have

talked about a certain holiday and the adventures of his friend Frank.

Oh, you think so?

You're a devious old boot, Pamela Wilson.

What a thing for the Virgin Bride to call a matron of honour. Honour? That's

laugh. Oh, not half as funny as... Right, let's have a look at you.

Well, what do you think?

Oh, you look great.

Mistress Dunaway. Welcome. Yes.

Julian sent me.

About time. Let's have it. Well, no, we haven't... Would you sign here, please?

What?

With the judge.

Under paragraph 2 .49, subsection 2A of the family proceeding rules,

1991... You'd better read.

And here.

And here.

I,

Brenda Cheryl Wilson.

I, Brenda Cheryl Wilson.

Take thee, Malcolm Randall Stoneway.

Take thee, Malcolm Randall Stoneway.

To be my lawful wedded husband.

To be my lawful wedded husband.

For better, for worse.

For better, for worse.

He'll never depart.

and thereto I give thee my trophy.

With this ring I thee wed, and all my worldly debts, and in truth, I thee

endure.

Then I pronounce you man and wife.

I give you the... Bride and groom.

Oh, yes.

The guide and broom.

Well, I'd like to say on behalf of my wife and I, a big thank you to all of

for coming.

Oh, that's all right, Malk.

Seems I only just made it.

Carry on. I'll plot down here.

Oh, is that cake?

Well, thank you for all the presents, most of which are very good, especially

this time we didn't end up with three canteens of cutlery.

Of which, due to recent events, we...

The original we now have one and a half each.

Will you shut up?

And thanks to my best man, David, for stepping in at

short notice.

And thanks to Harold as well.

Now, we chose to have the reception here for two reasons.

Firstly, it's just six years since me and Brenda met in this very room.

And secondly, Harold said we could have it for free.

Provided we wash up afterwards.

Honestly,

now, there was this message on the machine. It just said, wedding delayed,

send new detailed shortly.

Or something like that.

I'd have brought the tape, only it got white.

How convenient.

Yeah, it was a woman's voice.

And it sounded sort of funny. Like as if she was holding her nose.

What, like this?

Yeah, it was exactly like this.

I wouldn't have let it get down, now.

That's how I was going to come up last Wednesday and bring my mate Frank.

He was so looking forward to seeing them again.

See you there again.

Oh, hi, Terry.

Excuse me.

Malcolm, stop it. She shouldn't be doing that. Not on her wedding day.

Have you met our mum?

No, I don't think so. Then you must.

Brenda. Hold on, Malcolm. It's your turn.

You shouldn't be doing this. Where's your closing time?

Last notice, please. No, Harold, it isn't. Oh, good. I'll have another pint

then, please, love.

Get it yourself.

We ought to go.

All right.

I'd better get changed.

But I could do with a hand.

Bye,

Gerald! I mean, Malcolm.

Wishful thinking.

Bye, Gerald.

Oh, you know that bit in the instructions about the wind thing? Don't

about it.

OK. Bye, Mum.

Oh, bye, Mum.

And thanks for whatever it is. And if you get nervous, just grab a boy.

Grab a boy.

Bye, Mum.

Bye, Malcolm.

Bye, Mum.

Goodbye, dear.

And remember, he does need his roughage.

I bet he'll get it and all.

See you, James.

Bye, Mum.

See you.

I can't think of anything you are.

Close your eyes. What?

Trust me.

I do, it's my mother I don't trust. Close your eyes, it's a good idea she's

Open them.

Good, eh?

Yeah, very nice.

Two weeks, all paid for, we can go wherever we like.

I fancy Venice.

Is everything on board we'll need?

Everything? Well, you know, food and drink.

I'm a crew.

Gerald!

This should do it.

OK.

It's a plus every half an hour.

Think we're being mean?

Do you?

No.

Where was it said you wanted?

Benny.

Yeah, we should make that before dark.

said about grabbing a boy yeah i think i know what she meant now now brenda