Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be, what does he...

when we went to Ibiza and you tapped off with that scoff lad, the one who looked

like Robert De Niro with acne.

You remember?

The one with red knees and he had Hamilton Academical tattooed across his

You must remember him.

His stubble gave you a rash and you said it was the last time you went out with

anyone who shaved his chest.

So you suit yourself.

What about Benidorm when we first went topless? Hamil, will you shut up?

Brenda, I am merely reminding you that you haven't always been Miss Goody Two

Shoes. Look, I don't deny that in times past, I've gone on holiday with the

intention of having a good time. And I've usually had one.

But the difference between me then and you now...

It's that little thing that you put in the hotel safe ten minutes after we

arrived. I was only being careful. It's a very expensive ring. Oh, yeah. I

didn't want to lose it. Well, it's the last thing you've got to lose, isn't it?

David's put you up to it. Just because I got Mum to stay round hard to keep an

eye on him and Ross.

Oh, don't be stupid.

David trusts you. The same way I trust Malcolm and Malcolm trusts me.

You're boring.

OK, Frank.

Um, Brenda?

Hiya. I hope you're on your own.

Why?

Dickhead. Hello, girls.

It's been raining, has it?

Tell your mate that if he does that again, I'll boot him so hard he'll be

in Hemel Hempstead second bounce. Easy, Terry. It's not our call, mate. Don't

want to get us thrown out. Oh, they won't grasp.

We're old mates, ain't we?

It's nice to know them when they used to sit in a pub all night making up dull

stories about people.

Yeah, well, in your case, they weren't daft enough.

Oh, come on in. It's lovely. Look.

I think it's time for some submarine warfare.

Are we suspending in the hostility for the moment, Brenda?

You suspend, I'll debrief.

Get him!

Oi!

I don't matter, but I... I made a joke!

I don't understand. That's why she went to a solicitor in the first place.

We'd agreed to split everything.

50 -50, and then... The grand piano.

What?

Hopkins versus Hopkins, 1937.

Famous divorce case.

Parkes attempted litigation without benefit of attorney.

Finished up sawing the grand piano in half.

We haven't got a grand piano.

And neither have they after the divorce.

You see, Mr. Stoneway, in law, Things are never as straightforward as

think they are.

It would appear your wife has proved a mite more sensible than you in seeking

advice at an early stage.

Still, one can only do one's painstaking best.

Fortunately, you've placed yourself in the hands of a firm with a formidable

reputation in this arena.

Arena?

These days, you chaps are supposed to help settle things.

amicably and, well, sort of, you know... The word you're groping for is cheaply.

Ex nihilo, nihil fit, Mr Stoneway. One gets what one pays for.

Oh, well, of course.

And, er, quadrat demonstrandum.

So, there's just a matter of this assault.

Assault?

She never hit me.

And I certainly never touched her. Well, apart from when we were, um... and

helping her with that short -sleeved turquoise where the dip usually got

about here.

Ah, fine.

From Mr Peter of Peter Lilley, Birkencreek.

I write regarding an incident on the 12th Inst at the business premises of

client, Mr M .R. Stoneway.

Oi, Pam, look, the joke's over.

I don't think it is, do you?

No. No, I'm still laughing.

Here, Frank.

Get some shorts, will you?

Frank. Yeah?

Stay there.

Unless you want to join us.

We want these.

To join those.

Sorry, mate, more than my life's worth.

Have a lot more.

Hey, missus, lend us your towel, will you? That'd be dumb.

Oi,

Hamel Hempstead.

This big enough?

That should cover it.

Assaulted his servant?

Servant -in -law.

Oh, you mean like his brother -in -law?

No.

Servant is someone who works for him. This bloke was an assassin for Lucinda's

solicitor. And what makes you think it was me that assaulted him?

The description.

Which was?

Sooner not say. I'll find out. And I'll sue the lot of them for defamation of

appearance.

Mother, this is serious.

Am I ever otherwise?

Look, Malcolm, I came across that man spying on your workshop.

He was abusive when questioned, and my shopping trolley accidentally knocked

over the ladder.

What ladder?

The one he was perched on.

Yeah, well, he's claiming a badly bruised coccyx.

Is he just?

The base of his spine.

What spine?

My impression was he didn't have one.

Well, then just keep your nose out of my affairs.

Affairs, he says? Oh, you've no shame, have you?

And last night was absolutely the last straw.

I think that a son of mine can be so flagrant, so tawdry, so brazen.

What's that? What are you talking about?

I saw it all, Malcolm.

At least as much as I shall ever want to see.

The three of you cavorting in varying states of undress and all in the

of Madam Fruitcake.

Oh, oh, that, yeah, we were playing strips gravel. I know what you were

at. Mr Lynch of all people.

And that young lady was so educated.

Actually, it was Madam... It was Joyce's idea.

She's no fruitcake. She knows more words than anybody. That's why she was still

dressed.

Spare me the sordid details, Malcolm.

How can we hope to clean up TV when that sort of thing is going on in middle

-class sitting rooms?

Oh, look, it was all... Hold on a minute.

You've been spying.

I certainly have not.

After spending the whole day trying to contact you to tell you that your

workshop was being investigated, I went round to the Wilsons.

Oh, we were staying at David's while the girls were away.

Where I duly called.

And spied.

I was passing the window en route to the front door.

And really, I'd have thought that ensuring the curtains were fully drawn

obvious precursor to acts of debauchery.

No, it was just a bit of fun.

That sort of fun is what's put the country in the mess it's in today.

There wouldn't be such a drain on the National Health Service if people get

their clothes on.

Has it moved?

No, still there.

Have you done David yet?

No, and I told you, I don't intend to.

It'll make you feel guilty.

Brenda, if Malcolm is out on the razzle, that's your problem, not mine.

Well, Malcolm was never much of a razzler. Not an all -night one, anyhow.

All night?

Yeah, well, I rang this morning. Forgot about the time difference.

5am their time.

Still no answer, though.

He is having a good time, isn't he? Unless, of course, he's moved back in

Mummy. No, he wouldn't.

I don't think.

That's the thing with fellas, Brent.

They just can't be trusted.

Well, I suppose I could phone it.

Hang on.

Moving. He's out of the pool and into the trees.

Let's see.

Ooh.

Dodgy footwork.

Dodgy buttocks.

And he hits the finishing line. No, no, he is not staying here.

Nor would I have him, especially in the light of his most recent immoralities.

Oh, quite frankly, young woman, for once you have my sympathy.

In your absence, that boy has plummeted to depths of depravity upon which even

you might look askance.

This is, I'll be told, is none of my business, so I'll say no more.

I suggest you carry on and enjoy your holiday.

He's certainly enjoying his.

Goodbye.

Well, was he there?

What? No.

No, he wasn't.

Has she seen him?

Apparently.

Anyway, what does it matter?

Right, what does it matter?

Come on, let's go.

What do you know, girl?

I know someone sometimes stops at a union jack.

Yeah, well, a lot of fellas would have got nasty over what you did, but not me.

And you're not nasty.

No, I'm forgiving type.

Don't even ask.

No, well, I wasn't going to.

They seem to be getting on all right, though. Yeah, well, she did always have

very broad taste.

Like you?

No, not like me.

What about Malcolm?

Who's he?

Mmm, like that, isn't it?

Might you all be surprised that a sharpie like you ever landed herself

wimp like him? Oh, change the record, will you?

Yeah, all right.

Listen, I know what you mean.

Something to liven you up.

I mean, you don't want to drink any more of this foreign mug. How about I get us

a couple of beers, you know?

Yes.

Two bottles of pills and two triple vodkas. Two

bottles of pills and two triple vodkas.

It will be 85 shekels, please.

85 shekels?

It better be worth it.

Here we are, thank you.

Excuse me, I make a mistake. I under -changed you.

You what?

I'm not giving you the right money here. I'm sorry.

I thought she was cream, innit?

Go on, watch these fellas, you know.

See? I mean, it's not like in England where you can trust people.

Let's say four in a quarter from up north.

Yeah, well, cheers, eh?

Yeah. Up yours.

Now, this time last year, we was in Lanzarote, right?

And there was this Irish bird, and she really fancied me.

So I sort of played along with it for a bit, like, you know, like I hadn't

noticed.

Anyway, the next day, I'm walking the beach, flogging these 24 -carat

for a fiver each. Well, I picked up off this Moroccan geezer for 20 quid a

dozen. They're genuine, though, wasn't they?

Hang on a minute.

Sharon?

Same again?

Yeah, why not?

Can I have exactly the same again?

Anyway, I see this girl lying there, copping the old bronzer.

So I goes over to her, shows her the necklaces, and offers her two of one at

special price.

But, when I'm fixing it round the back, the catch don't catch, if you know what

I mean. And this necklace slips down her front, straight between her front

knees.

Well, I'm just about to fish it out when this big geezer comes from nowhere.

Turns out she's only on bloody honeymoon with him and she...

Now is not a very busy time of year.

Tonight I finish early.

Avi will look after things.

Good old Avi.

Perhaps I see you back to your hotel?

I think I know where it is, thanks.

Okay. Okay.

I understand.

You have a boyfriend back home, and so you keep yourself miserable for him.

What time do you finish?

can vouch for that.

Blue. Yeah, blue.

Okay, hippo goes to blue.

So, what are we going to do today, then? We're not playing cards.

Or strip scrabble.

Or hunt the baby.

You've always found her.

I suppose we could go out.

Oh, I've been before. It's cold.

Then we take the kids to the park.

Well, all of us. Why not?

I could do, I suppose.

Last breath of freedom, eh, Mark?

Yeah. OK.

Might be better if I stay, dear.

Gerald will wonder where he is if he comes in.

We'll leave a note.

Yeah, but perhaps the girls might get back early.

Three hours early. My friend Edith told me she did once because she had

tailwinds.

Oh, I think it was the foreign food.

and when it's all too late.

I should have saved myself.

You've been saying that since you had a crush on the lollipop man. Yeah, but

this is different.

He's under 65.

It's so unfair.

Why have you taken me all this time to find the real thing?

Someone who leaves the light on.

Oh, you just don't understand.

I understand we're going to miss the plane if you don't hurry up.

I don't think I can make it. You can make it because I've done all the

All you've got to do is go and wash your neck.

And remember to tell David that the marks that don't come off are mosquito

bites. Oh, you're just so cold, Brenda.

Well, one day it will happen to you, and then you'll understand.

The bathroom's that way, if you remember.

Oh, of course I remember.

See you downstairs.

And what's that, Sarah?

Yeah, it's a bar lamb, isn't it? No, it's a sheep.

What's with that peacock?

Erm... Where did you run to that tree?

Lophophorus impayanus, most commonly known as the Himalayan monal, pheasant.

They're most usually found in the Hamba Valley of the western Himalayas.

Hambanus.

You'll notice that certain of the species have no white upon the back, but

have a wonderful green and blue plumage underneath.

Is that right?

I remember from when I was there.

Mountain climbing.

Who, aren't we all?

I think it's about time we went.

Yeah, good idea.

I'll round up the other if you'll bring Zelda.

Right.

They're due in about now.

Oh, soon be home. Come on, Sarah Lynch.

Come on.

Fancy a swing?

I'll wait for Joyce. Right. OK.

Oh, all over, eh?

What were you thinking about, Brad?

I was thinking you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Your husband pays for a week's bed and breakfast and you don't try either of

them. What about you?

I enjoyed myself.

So it would seem.

Yeah, well, I had reason to, didn't I?

And are you going to mention it?

Well, what I did, or what he did.

Hold on.

Is that a cop car following us? What?

I thought so.

You shouldn't be listening, mate.

I haven't heard a thing, girl.

Was it good?

Oh, it was OK.

Did you miss me?

Terribly. Did you miss me?

A pint, day and night.

Good.

Yes, the cases.

Yes, right.

Leave them here, should I?

Oh, right.

David, your wallet.

I pay the travel agent both ways. It's part of the deal. Yeah, well, this is

extra. Thanks.

Ah, sounded a really good place. Was it bed and breakfast or full board?

Oh, yeah.

What's that all about?

He was very helpful.

But even so... Where's my baby?

What? Zelda.

Oh, she's with your mother. They're just following.

Right, well, if you'd just like to take the case, please. Right.

I'll give you a hand.

Come on, Sarah.

Oh, come on, darling. Come on, sweetie.

Thank you.

Ah, did you miss me?

Brilliant. What?

After a week of heavy trampolining, you get David to pay not to find out about

it. Brenda?

Yeah? Nothing happened, right?

Right.

Go on, go in the wall.

Hiya. How's she been?

Where's Zelda?

She's there.

David?

David!

Where is she?

Oh, that's not her, is it?

Is she?

Of course I'm sure.

She's got brown hair, hasn't she?

You've lost her.

What's that?

You've lost my baby.

What? That's not Zelda.

Where have you been?

The kiddies' zoo.

She's been eaten.

That's not even our crown.

Hold on, hold on.

Oh, my baby.

Come to your mum.

I'll never leave you alone again.

Thank God.

What a day.

What about the rest of the week?

Pardon? A rang?

Oh, well, I wasn't... Mother?

Oh. Would anybody like another cup of coffee? I'll put the kettle on.

Did she say anything?

Enough. I'll see if Pam needs a hand with anything.

We just played games.

Such as?

Cards with your mother.

They've got to pack.

Cards? Yeah, she cleaned us out. She didn't stop until she won one of the

children.

And what other games did you play?

Pardon? You heard.

Oh, hi, Pam. Hiya. Everything OK? Don't change the subject, don't we? What did

you get up to? Er, Bren?

Hang on. Well?

Er... Was it hot in here, lads? Well, as hot as it's going to get in here. Do

you remember what you were saying to me earlier?

What? We all do things we wish we hadn't.

Right. Well, yeah.

OK.

So what did you two get up to? Nothing too strenuous, I hope?

Oh, no, nothing too strenuous.

Remember when we were saying that David was my best man last time? We ought to

have a different best man this time.

Well, I had a thought.

I knew you would one day, Malcolm.

Yeah. Can you remember me best mate at mod shops, Terry?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he else? So what do I say in it?