Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one to Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be, what does he...

to the kitchen!

Are you OK?

What happened?

Somebody closed the door.

Oh, that was me. I was last up. Ah, well, we don't, you see. We leave it

because if we don't, it won't and we have to put Gerald through the window or

take a relative which nearly caused an accident and... Who's done this?

Me again.

Like they say, last up leaves the table.

Like who, then?

What? I thought everybody.

Oh, my mother. You didn't bring her, did you, please?

No. So you don't lay the table the night before?

The night before what?

Well, the night before the next day.

Well, aren't they all?

What? What?

Oh, it's like we're snagged with amnesiacs anonymous.

I thought you were lying.

Well, with this racket. Shush.

What's going on? He shut the door.

Don't you see he's getting a bit long?

Shush, everybody.

Bathed. Well done.

Crackers. No crackers.

Eh? No crackers.

No crackers.

Fish slice.

Fish slice.

Fish slice.

No

crackers.

No crackers.

You see, the problem is, there are too many people.

Gerald,

you're going to be late.

This house is amazing.

What does he mean? Maybe he's not seen no crackers before.

Yeah, well, even if that's true, he'll still have to go. I mean, I'm not saying

he's not nice, but this is only a little house and he is very tall.

You just have to have the ceilings lifted.

Look, Brenda, you may not have noticed, but I am trying in my own gentle way to

reduce the number of people living here to something nearer. One. No!

Well, yes, you see, first your father left, then Pam left, then you left, and

then your nan left, and then Gerald left, and... Tony went to school.

Yep, yep. came back.

And then you came back. Just two pints, but I've changed the order to three.

That's from tomorrow.

Oh, you shouldn't have bothered.

Coffee?

Oh, yes, please. Then get it yourself.

I see.

Still in the mood, are we?

David, why should I be in a mood?

What, does it matter that my husband's just spent a fortune on his latest fad

and I'm left to scrape by on the pittance he allowed me for the feeding

clothing of his children and the maintenance of this mausoleum? They are

children too, you know. I know, which is why they're so lovely.

Why, do you, Sarah's little tantrum in the sandpit yesterday did confirm that

you are definitely the father.

I don't have tantrums.

You don't play in sandpits, either. But you do play with bloody boats.

I'm never going to get few to you, am I, Pamela? The boat is not a toy.

It's a tax -efficient ancillary.

A what?

I can entertain clients on it. Oh, what do you do?

The hornpipe?

Because I use it in relation to my business, it becomes a part -allowable

expense. And having slave labour in the home isn't.

All right.

I give in.

What? You can have her help.

I want a live -in nanny. All right.

If you can find someone who's prepared to live here with you.

Yes.

What were you going to say?

I've forgotten.

Look, you've got what you want.

Now will you pour my coffee?

Please.

You'd already decided, hadn't you? Yeah.

And why do you do it? I don't know. I think I just like playing with fire.

I'll tell you what, though.

Tonight... Tonight?

We'll eat early.

Right. Then... Then? We'll go to something beginning with B.

Something beginning with B.

Do you give in? Don't I always?

The boat club.

Yes, you'll like it. It's very smart and it's full of doctors, solicitors,

businessmen and their wives.

And they've all got their own yacht, I suppose. Of course.

And so have we.

Ooh,

doctors. Your favourite people.

But won't they all be off sailing and all that business?

Some might, occasionally.

But most just prefer to sit around and talk about it.

Wonderful view, isn't it?

Do you take it for granted living here?

Excuse me.

You're making a big mistake, you know. Yes, so you've said.

Malcolm, you're just not ready for the rough and tumble of the outside world.

Mother, I've been married, I know all about tumbling.

But you don't know much about the rough.

Of course I do. Lived with Brenda for six months.

What am I saying?

That she's rough.

She is a warm, caring and considerate person, just like a mother.

That woman is a born -again fruitcake.

She wants to believe that people have the right to live their own lives. And

always encourages her children to travel.

I'm amazed they don't. Who'd want to live over there?

What does that mean? Well, everybody knows what it's like.

No, they don't. And nor do you.

Happens to be a very nice place.

Got some beautiful parks and some of the best buildings in Europe.

I bet they were all stolen.

I wouldn't put it past them.

I noticed when those tall ships were leaving last year, a lot of them had

missing. They don't set full sail until they get out of the... What's the use?

You're just prejudiced. I happen to like living over there.

Malcolm, I don't deny there's some tolerable suburban parts, but how can

choose to live in... Oh.

Go on.

Liverpool four plus four.

Four plus... Why can't you just say it? Liverpool eight, Toxta... Shh!

Mrs Ryan is out there in her garden.

So? I told her you were going abroad.

Why lie?

It wasn't such a big lie.

I said you were taking up a missionary position.

Don't know why she laughed.

Bye, Mrs Riley, I'm going home. Yeah, to Toxford, Liverpool 8.

Oh, yes, OK, ten minutes.

What did she say?

She said, would you mind giving her a lift? She visits her sister there every

Thursday.

Hello, love, have you not gone yet?

Yeah, just come back for me reflection.

If either of you want shoes with seconds in at the moment that are better than

the first we had in two days ago, we were filled out in fours and fives

three. I don't need shoes.

Then you're going to find that pavement awfully cold. And anyway, you don't know

where you might decide to walk to or when.

I don't need new shoes.

Yes, well, that's just what I said. But I still had to buy some, didn't I? And

they are crippling me.

I tried these on this morning, and then the rush came. And the next thing, Enid

had sold mine to this woman with orange hair and an inc... Mountain and

Pekingese.

Brenda. Oh, door's closed again.

Oh, so it is.

We'll have to go, you know. I mean, I did explain. Sure, she'll hear you.

well, you're going to have to tell him. No, Mother, you're going to have to tell

him because it's you who wants rid of him. Oh, don't say that.

It's just that... But it's not just him. No, you want rid of all of us. No.

Well, yes, eventually.

Eventually. Say, Friday week.

No, Mother, you say it.

I'll fix it.

Just needed a few thou off the edge. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No need.

It's just a loose wire.

Shall I make some tea?

OK.

Oh,

Brenda said you wanted to work with me.

What about?

Now, I was in Gerald's room just now because I was doing the washing up and

there seemed to be a shortage of cups. Found 12.

Now, I think that room's next in line for decorating because it's none of my

business, but if you need a hand... Malcolm. Have you forgotten?

Malcolm. What you're going to say?

Just stay at work, right?

Spoon. Wink.

That was next on the list.

a big house, Pamela. You hardly notice him. He'd be very quiet in your spare

bedroom and he is completely house -trained. Mother, we have a big house

we need a big house and such spare rooms as we do have will shortly be occupied.

One can't expect one's nanny to sleep in the airing cupboard.

One's nanny? For children.

But one hasn't got one yet.

So, we can kill two lodgers with one removal van.

He's mad.

He's fabulous with kids and he's very handy. You'll never need to open

with your nutcrackers.

And he'll soon fix that cupboard of yours and the bath that squirts all over

itself. It's a jacuzzi, Mother.

Well, David Chain comes off David's bike and he's late for work. I don't have a

bike. Oh, she knows.

Actually, he's quite a handy guy to have around the place. No.

It's just a thought. David, leave the thinking to me.

And, Mother, you haven't thought this through either, have you? Well, haven't

Malcolm coming in might be a good short -term solution, but what then?

Brenda. Right.

Brenda would follow.

Smashing. I mean, good. I mean, would she?

Well, that wouldn't work, would it? No.

Why not?

Brenda lived with us once before, remember?

What was it like, David?

It varied between horrendous and disastrous.

But it's good to have a change.

David and Brenda don't get on. If she came here, they'd row.

Then I'd row with David, Malcolm and Brenda'd move back in with you, and I'd

follow with the kids. You wouldn't!

Inevitably. And what are you grinning at? Nothing.

Oh, this will be them.

Look, Joyce, if you want Malcolm to leave, all you've got to do is to tell

He'll just have to find himself a flat.

Flat, right.

David!

Yes? Will you tell him?

No, no way. I'm sorry, I'm not getting involved, no.

Hiya. Hi.

Hiya. You're late.

It wasn't my fault. It was Charlie Chisley, I work in overtime.

Just a journey, Mickey.

Well, they're both fast asleep.

Pity. I was hoping they'd make a four up at bridge.

Malcolm's growing a sense of humour.

Come on, David.

Er, Bren, can you spare a sec?

Yeah, what's up? Er, is my labelling at the back?

Yeah. Are you sure?

Well, it was before.

Oh, Brenda, not smooth.

This will give her a chance to tell him. Tell her what?

Um, you've got to mention it, Mum's here. Yeah, she's trying to persuade us,

but... Sorry, David.

All right, let's get cracking.

We don't want to miss the boat.

We're not going aboard tonight.

Oh, joke, David, joke.

Oh, you haven't gone yet?

Then you won't mind giving me a lift down to James Street, will you?

Hello, Brenda.

He's through there having a twiddle with his little tester.

Bye.

Station will do, unless, of course, you're going over the water, in which

you can drop me at Mills. And even better, pick me up later as a sort of

compensation for not helping out with our other problem.

James Street. And it's nobody's problem but yours.

No, nothing wrong with that.

Mark?

Yeah? What did she say to you?

Your mother?

No, the Virgin Mary.

Seems all right.

What?

Oh, I've got something to tell you.

Have you?

No, that's what she said.

And?

Let's see, she said she didn't think it was a good idea for me to be... And then

she paused and said, standing over by that standard lamp.

What? Well, she thought there might be a loose wire in it, it might be

dangerous, so I said I'd check it, cos I always carry my pen torch and my mains

tester. And she said she thought I probably did and left.

Coward. Well, you can't be too careful with electricity, Brent. No, she is.

No, she's been sensible.

Mark, you can call me Mother loads of things.

Idiotic, devious, unintelligible, demented.

But never sensible.

Brenda, I went on words that are against you, Mum.

They were the good points.

No, nothing wrong with that.

What? The plug.

Hey, maybe she got mixed up. I'll check the other one. Mark!

There's nothing wrong with any of the plugs. She just chickened out.

What do you mean?

Well, she was going to tell you... No, why should I?

Why should you what?

Nothing.

Let me tell you something, Brenda. You don't appreciate your mother.

She's a lovely, caring person with a great sense of humour.

If you had a mother like mine, you'd appreciate a mother like yours.

No, she's a fruitcake.

That's what my mother said.

Look, you're both wrong. You just don't appreciate her.

When's her birthday? We could take her out. She doesn't have birthdays any

Well, I'd like to do something really special for her. Something to make her

eyes light up.

Great. Well, when she gets in tonight, just shine that torch down at her.

Oh, this is a nice room. Have you had it long?

It came with the house.

Have a seat.

You know, my husband always wanted to live over here.

I was at all surprised.

Sophie, he said, I've got to get away.

I thought your name was Joyce.

It is. Sophie was the one he went off with.

He forgot we had an extension phone in the bedroom. By the time he'd rung off,

I'd packed his bags and stacked them in the hall.

Mrs. Wilson, I'm sure you didn't come here to give me details of your marital

schisms.

No, I don't think I did either.

Well? Well.

What do you want?

Well, tea, if you're pouring it. But if you're going to press me into something

alcoholic... Anything, as long as it's a double... Tea.

Oh, my, that's a broad fitting.

You know, this is only one down from orthopaedic.

Did yours go off with somebody?

They're all the same, aren't they? One -track minds.

The only time they stop... thinking about it is when they're doing it.

What did you say?

Did your fella go off? I mean, they're always looking for a way out, aren't

they? He died.

Well, that's a bit extreme.

Mrs Wilson, why are you here?

Is it to do with Malcolm?

Yes. Well, in a way, it is.

What sort of way?

Well, every way.

You see, he's living in our house, which is already too small for all of us who

were already there before him, and...

I really think he'd be a lot happier back home with his mother.

And I'm sure he doesn't mean it when he says you're a nagging old goat.

He says what?

Do you know, I'm starting to feel a bit peckish. It must be the sea air.

Well, I'm certainly disinclined to proper any olive branch after that.

Though it is true the knowledge of his current environs leaves me fearful both

for his health and his sanity.

Unfortunately, the law, as it stands, allows offspring to make their own

decisions at an arbitrary 18, without countenance of the fact that some of

are incapable of reasoned judgment at double that age.

Does that mean no?

It means, Mrs.

Wilson... Oh, what's the use?

You'll call me Joyce.

Have some fruitcake.

If it isn't too much like cannibalism.

We had a shot at the midnight last year.

Pretty good.

The main leg is north -west, and with the prevailing wind being from the south

-west, it's a broad reach virtually all the way.

You certainly nip along.

In fact, it got quite hairy at times.

And I must admit, I wasn't sorry to see morning or the Isle of Man.

Have you ever done it?

The Isle of Man?

No, no, no. I've only sailed from cows.

I have. We went a few years ago.

Oh, yes.

Rough. Not a bit. Clean toilets and a full English breakfast.

I meant the weather. The crossing.

Oh, the boat trip.

Well, yes, that was a bit blurry.

And did you have the prevailing wind on your beam?

No.

Was that a Western?

No, but Michelle's suit had a hood.

Jolly good!

What a sense of humour.

Actually, Pam, I haven't done a great deal of sailing.

Oh, I understand.

My number one doesn't get in as much as she'd like.

But it's kids, isn't it?

Somebody has to feed and fit them out, and I'd be no good at that.

Well, we'll be getting help soon, won't we, David?

A living nanny.

Ashley Powell, would you like to take a seat by the window and enjoy the view?

And how's business with you, Julian?

Can't complain.

This afternoon I had a couple of alleged wrongful dismissals and a male stripper

claiming sexual harassment.

Oh, you're on a nightclub.

Oh, good one, Pamela.

With a bit of soliciting on the side, eh?

Yeah. Actually, it's thanks to Julian that we got Esmeralda.

Who? Our boat.

A little insolvency matter with a local builder.

Desperate to get rid. It was a real bargain.

And if you're not yet fixed up, I know of a good agency for au pairs, nannies,

that sort of thing.

Oh, right. Right.

Well, perhaps we'll see you down here more regularly, Pamela.

Sure you will, Julian.

It's very nice, isn't it?

Actually, I've been trying to persuade David to get one for Yonk now.

A nanny?

No, a yacht.

Oh,

he's a nice lad, don't get me wrong.

But you know how I feel about young people needing to get out of the nest

fly on their own two feet.

Difficult, but once you can do it, it's like riding a bike.

But then our Brenda comes rolling back, and now a boyfriend, and his has a

sidecar.

Oh, yes, Edith, I'm going to tell him tonight.

Oh, I have, but all the other avenues were cul -de -sacs.

Our Pam, his mother, I even tried the orphanage, but it was closed.

What, too old, you think?

Yes, and him having a mother wouldn't have helped either.

thought was the RSPCA.

Do they? After three weeks?

True.

And I suppose our Brenda would still be very coarse, even if it was painless.

Here they are.

Look, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.

Hiya. Hi.

Who's for supper?

Me, please.

Joyce? Oh, you mean a milky? Oh, no, thank you. Right.

Have you said anything to him?

No, we just pass notes to each other.

I mean about him not paying. No, Mother, do your own dirty work. It's not dirty,

it's... Right.

I will.

Do you mind?

No, you go ahead.

Right.

And two minutes each makes four.

You'd fix that too?

Just a few.

Malcolm, I want a word.

I've two if you want.

Stick to fuses.

I've fixed your cupboard as well.

Good.

Malcolm.

Joyce.

You see, you're living here now.

And I've tried Pam, and your mother, and the orphanage is closed, and the RSPCA

only gave you three weeks, which would upset Brenda, but it's no good. I have

just got to say it. Just a minute. Have a look.

Hey, you'll lose that. Let's have it off.

I'll tighten that glass bar.

Hey, it's a bit worn.

Maybe someone will buy you a new one. In appreciation of your warmth and

welcoming nature, eh?

Let me tell you something.

Sometimes children don't always appreciate the parents.

It can take an outsider to see things.

I'm rambling, aren't I?

Yes.

So, what was it you wanted to say to me?

Me? Well, there's just the two of us.

You see, Malcolm, in this house... Yes?

The last one up doesn't have to lay the table, so you can do it every night.

That makes me laugh.