Original subtitles

There's something I wanted to say.

About time?

I mean, is that the time? Oh, it's quite early, actually.

Sit down, Malcolm.

Pam and Dave have gone.

Yes, I had noticed.

But this concerns just us.

I just wanted to say that Malcolm and I made a mistake.

Hey, go easy.

We did something in haste. Something we weren't really ready for.

We shouldn't have married.

It's obvious he's still in love with you, Brenda.

He's not very good at hiding things.

You knew?

Malcolm, I understand.

You do?

Yes. I really do.

Scottish dancing.

I think it was called the Lowland Fling.

May I?

I'll use the one in the kitchen.

Look, it's different now. I mean, we could have before, but we can't now

because... Look, I think you should tell them.

They know.

Oh, I see. You've told them.

And you told... Even so, we can't... We can.

I'll explain once you've gone.

I'll have to go.

Vincent's just fallen down the steps of the residence and they need a cover for

a casualty. But I think we all need to talk.

No, Malk.

They need to talk and we need to talk.

Come on, I'll run you in. Thanks.

Bye.

I don't believe this.

It's okay, Malk.

Well, I can't leave her now. She's having my... No, Malk.

Oi.

Oh, God.

So bad.

No, how am I going to tell my mother?

Don't worry about it. I'll get my mother to do it. That'll confuse them both.

So they've been... And all we ever did was... Malcolm, leave the hypocrisy to

the Sunday papers, eh?

It's not fair, though, is it?

Isn't it?

Well... There's still time.

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or gentle.

So this wedding should be what does it...

Malcolm, do you think we should?

Lucinda? Who did you think it was?

I didn't know who. Well, I mean, I knew it was you, and now... You've been

dreaming.

I haven't, have I?

You mean you're not... and he's not... No, I don't, Malcolm.

I am, and he is.

Oh, good. I mean, oh, right.

And you're free.

Well, almost.

What time did you get back?

About two.

Brenda's day long.

Yeah, just for a bit. Not for a while.

Oh, if it's for me, tell them I'm asleep and you'll only wait me if it's urgent.

Hello? Did I get you out of bed?

Yes. Good.

Mother, what do you want? Nothing from you, thank you very much.

Why did you ring?

I rang Malcolm to say that I shall not be ringing again.

That I shall not be contacting you in any way, shape or form for the

future and probably beyond.

Right. Your attitude, Alait, has been quite intolerable. And yesterday was the

final straw.

Lucinda and I had to talk.

And would I have stopped you? Does my presence inhibit civilised conversation?

We had a problem and it just needed... Of course you had. All married people

have problems.

That marriage is just one big problem.

If I could help you sort it out.

But not now.

I was locked out, wasn't I?

In some countries, that would be a criminal offence.

Countries where there's respect for age and experience.

But here, it's all Radio 1 and riding mountain bikes with a thirsty pension

queue. Mother, what do you want? It seems all right for me to do your

and vacuum your hall, make the odd damson and apricot pie with your

Smiley on the crust.

Mother, listen... It's too late to apologise now, Malcolm.

And I'm deeply disappointed in Lucinda.

How someone who's been trained to care can be so callous.

Mother, she's pregnant.

Well, that's no reason to... What?

Lucinda is pregnant.

You mean she's going to have a baby? No, a gerbil. Malcolm!

And what's more, I'm not the... Look, I can't explain over the phone. I'll come

round at lunchtime.

Malcolm, this is good news.

And, Malcolm, I'll make you something nice.

Now, Annie Stanton's girl was offered away the day she left school. Missionary

work, Annie said, in Bournemouth. That kettle boiled yet.

And both Mrs Perry's children have left. Now Oliver's in Canada.

And her youngest went for a holiday job to the Isle of Man and liked it so much

she decided to stay on another 18 months.

Well, she says it'll be less if it behaves himself.

Oh, dear.

I don't know, but this one's still trying to get rid of us. Oh, she's not.

Oh, she is.

I'm just watching you reading, little brother.

I'm coming, Gretel. I want to see what her next move might be.

Oh, that lady losing her fella.

Thanks, you just ruined it for me. Well, I told you. You could save yourself

from all that reading if you just got the video out open.

Open? Brenda, don't say a word.

There can be very funny bugs going around at the moment, some very odd

You all feeling all right, are you? Afraid so. Then make the tea.

See, Brenda, look, you've got to take things easy.

See, working in a pub, you can pick up a lot more than tips, you know. See, it's

a damp atmosphere.

Perhaps a wager thing would be better. An open -air cafe.

Tokyo.

Torremolinosaur. Tokyo. Even better.

Well, I'm all right.

Oh, you never are.

942. I'm just happy.

Brenda, have you been eating those funny mushrooms?

It's nice to have a mother who cares.

She's just frightened of catching something.

Gerald!

Brenda.

Why don't you go through and lie down on the settee, and I'll see if I can get

an appointment with Dr Armand. An appointment?

Oh, he's very nice. Always warms his hands.

Oh, that's what your auntie Ethel said when she had that rash on her chest.

And? Well, she was all right. It's just that she'd rinsed her bra through in

domestic.

Mother, now... Malcolm, dear, sit down.

No, wash your hands first.

Well, this does put a different face on the monkey.

What monkey?

You're the monkey for not telling me sooner.

Yeah, well, there's a lot to explain.

I dare say we pine for apologies later.

Me apologise?

That's Liverpool talk, dear.

You mean I apologise.

Well... I accept, so eat up.

Then I've something to show you.

I'm not apolog... Something to show me? It's in the living room.

Now, the thing is, we mustn't let this happen again.

Yeah, well, it's not likely to.

Don't speak with your mouth full, dear.

I'll call round this evening and have a chat with Lucinda.

I mean, I... Well, I know she's in the trade, so to speak, but I have been

through it.

Admittedly, some time ago, but there are certain...

Well, things that you needn't care about.

Best you go round to the pub and give out cigars, whatever young people do

days. Mother, I don't smoke.

Well, then tube some mints.

Or you can get those cheap ballpoint pens.

I'm not going to any pub to hand out ballpoint pens.

Well, then go to your bird -watching club.

Mother, I'm not going anywhere, because I'm not involved.

Oh, no, dear.

Oh, well, in a way, I'm glad to hear you say that.

Because I know it's the thing these days for the man to be, well, over

-interested. And even be there when it happens.

But I don't think it's healthy.

I mean, if God intended the man to be around, he'd have made it happen

after.

Instead of giving nine months for him to be somewhere else.

When I have a baby, I'll be there.

When you have a baby, everyone will be there.

Finished. Good.

Now you can come through and see.

Close your eyes.

Eyes.

Open.

Your great -aunt Maude made it. That was mine.

Yes. Of course, I didn't expect you to remember it.

All the accessories.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, Mother, listen to me.

but that ribbon can be changed.

Bring it all with me this evening.

I'm sure Lucinda will be prepared to indulge a first -time grandmother.

Mother, you're not.

Now what?

Well, you're not going to be a grandmother because I'm not the father.

Well, I will... There you go, sir. One pint of crystal clear golden nectar.

Adel's best.

You can have that on the house.

Same for you. Is it your worship?

What are you like? Come here.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you miss me?

Yeah. Did you miss me?

Yeah. Did you miss me?

Better die.

You look beautiful.

Oh, don't you, pal?

To last night.

Last night.

I didn't hear you leave.

I thought it best.

Best ever.

Best to leave?

Right. Listen, they didn't get back till two, apparently.

Apparently? Yeah, well, she was there when I woke up.

And you woke up?

Well, then I realised it wasn't you, cos... Well, spare me the details, Malc.

Just been to my mother's.

Well, there's good days and there's bad.

I told her.

Everything?

Well, son, it was difficult because she got me christening robe out.

Your christening robe?

Yeah. Right.

When are you getting done?

I've been christened, stupid.

But you changed it to Malcolm.

I like rabbits.

I'll make it up to you.

Promise? Twitch is on her.

So did you tell her about us?

Me mother, no.

Have you told anybody?

No. Well, let's not for a bit anyway.

Okay. Why?

Could be fun.

Could he?

Yeah, well, people will see us out together and they'll think, aye,

aye.

Aye, aye?

Aye, aye, look at those two.

Right. We'll be wearing funny hats, will we?

Oh, you won't be wearing your Christmas frock.

No, they'll look at us two and they'll think, hey, look at them, and he's

married. Oh, right.

And they'll be able to tell that, will they?

Well, the people who know us will, yeah.

Just a bit of devilment.

Oh, devilment?

I'm always up for that.

We could go round and see a couple of people tonight.

Right. Who should we devil first?

Your mother's just round the corner.

I'd have said Ben to meself, but fair enough.

Are you happy, then?

Yeah, Malk. Very happy.

Very, very happy.

Yeah, me too.

Happier than we were before. I never thought things could be the same again.

Same again, is it?

Sorry, Malk, I'm a bit pushed with Ben to be on holiday.

Gerald? Is that you?

Er, don't think so. We'll just look in the mirror.

Well? Er, it's Brenda.

Oh, so it is.

Then have you seen a yoghurt carton anywhere? Oh, hello.

It's low -fat.

Me drains are fine.

It's got me rings in it.

Excuse me.

I'll put them to soak in a drop of whiskey.

Now, I know you'll say that's a terrible way, but excuse me.

Are you two with each other?

I suppose we must be, yeah?

You do know he's married?

You're not, are you?

Only a bit.

But not for long, though.

Well, if you two are, does that mean you'll be... No, Mother, I'm not moving

anywhere yet.

Well, I suppose you two know what you're doing.

Oh, yeah, we know what we're doing. Good, right.

I don't suppose you know what I'm doing?

Yeah.

Oh, thank you. I must have put them there so I wouldn't forget where I've

them. Oh, look, that's brought the sparkle back.

Well, here's to you.

Cheers.

I think I need an early night.

Oh, you poor thing.

Two sneezes and a standby intensive care.

If you worked the 16 -hour day that I worked, you wouldn't have time to be

Oh, and you've used up all the milk.

Oh, sorry.

Typical, isn't it? You just don't think.

What about tomorrow's breakfast?

I doubt that I'll feel like Eddie.

What about the rest of us?

The milkman doesn't get here till nine.

Doesn't he?

I think I need a day in bed.

If you can catch him at the gate, ask him not to rattle his bottles.

Oh, my God. They certainly breed them tough in Guildford. You don't

Pamela. I feel like death.

But if that's an offer, don't let me stop you.

Oh, Charlie.

Charlie, you'll be sorry when this turns to double -dubotia. Try me.

Don't be such a baby.

Anyway, I've no sympathy.

You're out on that golf course in all weathers.

You don't catch a cold that way. You catch a cold from people.

Oh, is that right?

Then it couldn't have been me and the kids, cos you're never here.

And if it's not golf, it's squash.

And if it's not squash, it's the rotary.

I don't know why you don't just sling a hammock in your office and have done

with it.

Well, go on.

You're not too ill to walk to the door, are you?

Oh, it's you.

Come in.

Hiya.

Go through.

Oh, have you got a cold, David?

Yes, a horrible one.

Well, you better not kiss him then, now.

Hiya. Hiya.

You've seen the invalid, then?

Pathetic, isn't he? I mean, I had a migraine last week, but with two kids

five -bedroomed house to look after, I couldn't go swanning off to me bed.

He's only in the living room.

Where did you come from?

And it couldn't have been a real meagre. Oh, nobody asked you.

And what are you doing?

Blowing by doves.

With those?

This is empty.

David, the kitchen decor is peach.

Therefore, we have peach tissues.

Those are from the living room.

So take them back into the living room and blow your nose in there.

Stupid! What was that?

I think he said stupid.

Yeah, well, it's lucky I never heard him. Go easy on him, Pam. He's not well.

Oh, don't you be defending him. He's a pain.

And if you want a coffee, it'll have to be black, cos there's no milk thanks to

our drip conk.

He's been falling out, then.

I need some help round here, and he says we can't afford it.

But we're never short if he needs something. All I want is a living nanny.

For milk?

For children?

A nanny?

David, come here.

What? Hold your hands.

So they are.

Miss Cinder's pregnant.

To Jonathan.

And I'm getting a divorce.

A divorce?

Good idea. I'm with you there.

Well, it'll be the first time you have been all year.

Yes, well, I wonder why I stuck it so long.

Oh, same here. In fact, if it wasn't for the kids, I'd have left two years ago.

Well, if it wasn't for the kids, I'd have left three years ago.

Oh, we didn't have any kids three years ago. Oh, now she tells me.

All married couples are like that. Seems so. Those that aren't have already

split. We won't be, though, will we?

Is that a proposal?

No, no. Well, I didn't mean... I just wasn't thinking.

So where's next on the devilment trail?

I know.

Lucinda! You'll have to get your own meal. I'm just changing.

I wouldn't know. It was a full moon.

I've got somebody with me.

Brenda, is it?

Yeah.

This isn't causing quite the devastation we thought it would.

Yeah, well, she knew.

There's a meeting at the club tonight. I could go there if you want.

With our binoculars intertwined.

At least.

Might I borrow him? I need zipping. Oh, feel free.

Going somewhere now?

Empire. RST on tour.

With Jonathan?

Yes, much ado about nothing.

Oh, he does his best.

You should have seen them last season, Malcolm.

Taming as a shrew.

Very good. I mean, the RSC are very good.

Well, we're going to Prenton Park tonight, aren't we, Malcolm?

Are we?

You have to see the TRSC.

TRSC? Tommy Arober Supporters Club.

I thought we were going to a TOS meeting.

I think it was a joke, Malcolm.

Yeah, yeah, I knew that.

Excuse me, I must just go and fix my face.

I don't think you're both happy with the way things have turned out.

Yeah, very.

And are you two making a go of it?

No, we're just sitting on the couch.

Maybe later.

I meant, are you getting married?

Just that Jonathan and I aren't. Well, not just yet, anyway.

So, when will you be moving out?

Eh? Oh, there's no rush.

Tomorrow will be fine.

Well, actually, I'm thinking of selling up here. We'll find somewhere a bit

nearer the hospital.

Well, if I don't see you again, Brenda, enjoy.

Right.

Um, well, we'd best be going then, eh?

Let's give it one more shot, can't we?

Hold on. This isn't the way to the club.

No way, Miles, no.

You're on your own this time.

Hello?

God, you got my message.

What message?

On your answering contraption.

Oh, and I forgot to say the date.

Oh, I haven't been into work today.

Oh, many other days recently, I noticed.

Yeah, well, there's been problems.

And those problems are what I want to talk about. Come on, come and sit down.

I had a long think this afternoon.

And it must be said it's happened before and no doubt will happen again.

What? Malcolm, Lucinda isn't the first wife to have gone astray.

And although I must not condone, we must still face the realities.

After all... Mother, the reality is we're getting a divorce.

Divorce? Oh, no, Malcolm, that's not the answer.

Look, dear, I understand how you feel, but obviously it isn't the end of the

world. Now, admittedly, you must be firm with her in the future, but you must

still find it in your heart to forgive.

Mother, she's got somebody else.

Lucinda? Yes. A man?

Well, of course. Well,

I knew there must be somebody.

And so have I.

Have you been drinking?

Mother, listen to me.

Lucinda and I have finished. We've each got someone else. And whether you like

it or not... I'm going to start afresh with the woman I love.

Oh, just like Windsor and Wallace.

Who? Edward and Mrs. Simpson.

Oh, them. Just stay there. And I cannot be king without the help and support

of the woman I love.

Here she is, my Mrs. Simpson.

No,

Malcolm, no.

She must have thought you said Bart Simpson.

That I could live with.