Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

Hiya. Bit off course, aren't you? Yeah, just a bit, yeah.

What can I get you?

Well, I have a pint of lager.

Pam told me... Pam asked me to drop these off for you.

Tristan? Yeah, she said if you forgot to say what prints you wanted copies of,

she's chosen for you.

30 pence each. How many?

17. Oh!

It's all right, I have them on me.

Are you sure? Yeah, if OK.

Right, you can have this on me, then.

Oh, great.

Just a tip.

Tell Brenda there's a call for her.

All right?

Malcolm. Oh, right, what kept you?

Yeah, sorry, it's been a bit awkward.

Well, it's a bit awkward from here, actually, at the moment. David's here.

Mind, I don't suppose it matters now it's all out in the open?

Actually, I think I'd rather tell Pam and David together.

So why don't you come over here and we can go round? I'll have a word with

David, see if they're in tonight.

Bren, there's a problem.

A problem?

Yes.

You haven't told her, have you?

I knew you'd chicken out. Well, that's it. Brenda, please, look, listen to me.

was going to tell her. Then she said she had something to tell me.

And because I sort of rambled, well, she says I do, I don't really.

I mean, I know I sometimes go off at a tangent, but, well, I suppose as a

tangent, it's exactly 90 degrees to the radius. There's no such thing as a

slight tangent, is there?

Malcolm, why didn't you tell her?

Brenda, are you there?

Brenda?

Hi.

Hi. You OK?

Hey, you sit down. I'll make the... I was thinking of vegetable samosas.

Oh, but they're a bit spicy, aren't they? That's fine.

You sure?

Yes.

So, when are you packing in?

Packing in?

Malcolm, pregnancy is not a disease.

No, but, well, you could at least come off nights.

Why, for heaven's sake?

Well, your body clock goes the other way.

Backwards? No, you're 12 hours out, so the baby will get synchronised after

born. She'll be awake all night and dozy all day.

They're like that anyway.

Well, I can at least give up your Scottish dancing.

All that scurrying your pipes and bouncing on one leg will have an effect.

Like what?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe it'll be born tone deaf with its hands permanently over its head.

Malcolm, I'm part of a team. You don't just walk out on people.

No, you don't, do you? Not now.

Malcolm, are you OK?

Yeah, fine, yeah, fine.

Oh, well, there's one thing. At least my mother will be pleased. She's been

dropping in since we left the vestry.

Don't tell her.

Don't say anything to anybody, especially to your mother.

But why?

It's too soon. I need time to settle to the idea myself first.

You haven't told anybody, have you?

No.

Are you sure?

Well, I might have made a passing reference that might possibly be

as... But not in so many words.

How many words?

One. Two.

Oh, just a friend, an acquaintance, on the phone. Nobody that matters.

Who can this be?

Little have brought me 30 pieces of silver.

Oh, hello, Marjorie. I thought it was the milkman.

So it seems.

Pardon? I'm returning these.

Oh, you are?

Well, won't you come in?

Well, I haven't intended to.

Perhaps it's best for me to speak my mind to you both.

Who is it? Oh, hello.

I just come to say that since I'm no longer welcome here, that my services as

general factotum, dog's body, and maid of all work are no longer... available.

Mother, there's no need... It's too late to apologise, Malcolm.

Well, I wasn't, actually. In fact, I need to say to both of you that I find

behaviour and your attitude to the sanctity of marriage quite

I'm aware that nurses, such as yourself, Lucinda, are prone to certain liberal

tendencies, which I put down to the time you spend with members of the public

who are in a state of undress.

That and tending to their more intimate parts.

That is bound to dull one's sense of propriety.

But there can be no excuse for you, Malcolm.

I'm simply devastated when I think that all my nurturing, my painstaking care

and guidance has produced a hippie.

Please, Marjorie, sit down. Things were a little fraught last night.

Malcolm, sorry to have upset you. Am I? Yes.

Look, things have happened. Well, no, nothing's happened.

It's just that we're settled to being just us two, or three, I suppose. If you

carry on helping us, we'll be very grateful.

Well, I might consider doing so, since Malcolm has apologised. I haven't

apologised. Would you like a cup of tea, Marjorie?

Yes, dear.

Malcolm, we'd like some tea.

By yourself?

What's this?

I just thought I'd surprise you.

Good holiday?

Yeah, really relaxing.

You're looking great.

Am I? Nice tan.

Thanks.

Brenda? Yeah?

Yeah, I was just checking it was you.

It's me, all right.

How was Beirut?

Beirut's. I wish you'd have known. I wouldn't have worried so much.

You worried about me?

Constantly.

Who are you looking for?

Jeremy Beadle. What would I do that?

Would you do what?

Employ a professional when I'm just as good at it myself.

Anyway, I've turned over a new lease. You're completely safe.

Do you want me to take one of them? I mean, one's probably for me anyway,

it?

Hey, the Royal Hospital.

Is there anything?

Yeah, fine.

You're all pleased to see me, aren't you?

Yeah, of course.

What was it?

Well, before I went, things were a bit... On the fizzle.

Right. Well, we can just unfizzle them now, can't we?

Can we?

We can carry on now with what never really got started.

96 .7!

City FM!

So, Virginia, is Uncle Hugh announced the win?

What do you mean?

14 minutes?

Well, that's marvellous, Gerald. I'm impressed. You know, you could go to

university tomorrow if you wanted. Ring up and see what time they're open.

Now, the only problem is your room. It's far too tidy if you're going to be a

student. There.

All old friends look. You know, your brother is very smart.

He's just done the Times crossword in 14 minutes and he's only five foot two.

The Times crossword?

The radio Times.

Oh, there's a message for you. Some fella called Leonard.

Have you seen me dangle once with the bit at the end that looked like over

blue cheese?

Oh, Brenda, that's them.

In the first day, it seemed as if... Oh, thank God.

Oh, do you know what I'd try? It's a microwave.

I don't know what I'd do without you, but I am willing to try.

Mother, what was the... Brenda, I've got to go. There's things to be said at

half -late. The people who've been saying things.

Mother, what was the message?

Oh, they'll get the message, all right. I don't know who they are, but when I do

know who they are, they'll know that I know, and they won't want to know.

Oh, some rare bird has been seen at some place. I've written it all on the card.

I tell you, allegations have been made.

Allegations, because I have said things, but I've never said anything, have I?

Well, nothing intelligible.

Well, it will be tied to them when I find out who the alligators are.

Listen, it's coming.

Yeah. Now, if I'm not back by the time you've had your tea, you'd better make

your own. Mother, the rare bird is a little busted.

Yeah, look, they all are.

Let me do that.

Malcolm, I'm not ill.

No, no, of course not.

You go through and put your feet up. Oh, no, there's no need to put your feet

up.

Well, just go through and put one foot up.

OK? OK.

Would you like a cushion?

No, no, I'll have a cushion.

That's better. Take the weight off me.

Stop me getting stretch marks. A backache.

Malcolm, I don't want any fuss.

No, of course not. No, we'll carry on as if you weren't, even though you are.

I thought we might invite Pam and David round for dinner on Saturday.

Yes, yes, a nice leisurely dinner with friends.

And Pam is experienced, so we could tap her... Oh, no, there's no need, cos we

can get the books. And you know all about that, anyway.

It's different having done it, though.

And Pam has had a couple. I mean, she's more entertaining when she's had a

couple.

Six, I'm actually.

Pamela and David, Jonathan and Brenda.

What? Well, don't worry, I can handle it.

Maybe you can, but I can't.

Pardon? Oh, nothing.

You don't like Jonathan?

Well, I hardly know him. I mean, you work with him, you say, he's very nice.

Right. And Brenda's almost tolerable.

What do you mean?

Yes, that's true, she is, yes.

And you and her, well, that's ancient history, isn't it?

Yes, ancient history, yes.

There you are, then.

After all, this is the 90s, and we can be civilised about past relationships.

Yes, yes, of course, and lots of pebbles have flowed under the bridge, haven't

they? And we should be able to sit down and have a nice last supper, allegedly

dinner.

Malcolm, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. I felt a bit sick this morning. I've got a bit of a backache.

Yeah. Any luck?

No.

There was one here in 88. I just missed it. It was a pity because it was the one

I wanted for my list.

Oh. Oh.

Hello, Brenda. It's you.

You know damn well it's me. What's going on?

I'm looking for the little bastard.

You liar.

Oh, Brenda, get me out of here. No. You tricked me. And on top of all your other

lies and deceit, you dragged me out here. I needed to talk to you.

God, you've got a nerve. If I thought that line was strong enough, I'd hang

by it.

Brenda, just let me explain. You ring off when I phone.

Oh. What do you expect me to say? Oh, hi, Mal, how's the family?

You're a cheating, lying, double -crossing, lecherous, bed -hopping

Actually, I don't think snakes can hop.

They can. Oh, oh.

All the promises, the regrets, the secret meetings, the wanting to start

and the whole time you were at it with her.

Brenda, it wasn't like that.

Try and understand, please. I was going to leave her honest.

I can't now, can I? I mean, I don't know if she got...

Well, I do know how.

I thought she was making sure we didn't, but obviously she wasn't. I don't want

to know! Brenda, you can't leave me like this. Oh, can I? I hope some little

bastard comes along and pats your eyes out.

Help! Don't mess.

Brenda, I'm choking to death.

Help me, Brenda.

Brenda, what are you doing?

Ow! There's no need for that.

More deceit!

How did you know it was me, anyway?

Leonard wouldn't be seen dead in a poncho. You would.

I shouldn't have got here under forced pretenses, but let me explain. You could

have caught me at the grapes.

You'd have thrown something.

I know.

Oh, Brenda, this is serious.

This is the most tragic thing that's ever happened to me in my life.

What is?

Losing you.

And maybe you feel the same.

No way.

It was a lucky escape.

Right. Well, I just want you to know, whatever happens, you'll be the one I

always wanted.

Oh, stop it, don't you? You're just making things worse.

We've got to forget everything that's happened.

We should never have met in the first place or the second place.

What a displace.

And I don't want to meet again.

I know, well, that's what I was just going to say, but, well, it wasn't my

and when I rang you up pretending to be somebody else, that was before Lucinda

had said she was going to ask you. Malcolm.

What? Write me a letter.

Your mother might open it. No, she won't. Just write final demand on the

envelope.

Brendan, Lucinda's invited you and Jonathan around for dinner on Saturday.

You are joking.

No. And Pam and David.

I think she's going to make some sort of announcement.

An announcement?

Well, nobody knows except me and you. And her, of course. Well privileged.

Won't even let me tell my mother.

It's not something you can keep to yourself for too long.

I'd say nine months tops.

So you won't come then?

Be difficult for you, would it?

For both of us.

Yeah, right.

All right, well, I'll see you then.

Can I give you a hand, Lucinda?

It's all right, thanks, Pat.

I'll make some fresh coffee.

Oh, let me.

Malcolm, I'm all right.

Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.

No, Lucinda can cope. Same as she always copes, yeah.

Nothing's changed.

Do you want to bring your drinks through here?

How's business, Malcolm? Keeping busy?

Oh, quiet.

Not much business to back. What about yours?

Booming. Mind you, it needs to. Kids are a pretty expensive item.

I'll tell you what, Malcolm. If you and Lucinda ever decide to produce, you'll

want to increase your turnover.

Either that or turnover and don't bother.

You driving?

All right.

I've got an early start tomorrow.

Work on Sunday? Oh, just as if, no. My husband will be up at six in order to

a stupid white ball round a stupid field with a stupid stick.

Frankly, I think the golf's the daftest game invented.

Jonathan likes it.

Yes, well, when you've worked hard for days.

And nights. And nights. And weekends.

And weekends. Well, they've earned their little bit of relaxation.

And it is originally a Scottish game. Exactly.

Even if it is stupid.

That's right. I should take golf off.

Ah, you wouldn't like it, love. It's terribly cold, wet and boring.

Oh, yeah, where is Lucinda?

She's making fresh coffee.

Hey, Pam, before you had your baby, did you do anything?

I mean, anything sporty.

You could say that.

Well, I used to jog, and when we lived in Heathrow, I played hockey.

You only played once.

But I met some very nice people, though.

But when did you stop?

When the whistle blew.

No, but had you kept doing it, how long would you have kept doing it?

You'd be asking for photographs next.

Think Malcolm means how long into the pregnancy before you chose to modify

lifestyle?

Do I?

And the short answer, Malcolm, is unless there are specific medical reasons for

the contrary, you can do what you want to do.

I wanted to eat kippers sprinkled with caster sugar.

Why do you ask, Martin?

Pardon? Oh, just idle curiosity.

Hey, I'll tell you one thing, though. This red's good stuff.

Trouble is, once you've opened it, it doesn't keep, does it?

Well, of course, this was some time ago, before we actually knew many doctors.

Well, not on a personal, didn't I see you in the fishmonger's last Thursday,

sort of a level.

I mean, David's skied before, but our family didn't go in for winter holidays

much, did we, Brett?

We used to usually go abroad in the summer.

To Landord, no.

To Landord?

At any rate, when I got back, my right leg looked like a game of Northam

on a fish supper.

But you don't like to bother a real doctor, do you? Not when you can still

Anyway, our Auntie Milton, always swarmed by this royal jelly gin, single

ointment that she reckoned was good for anything, from muscle pain to athlete's

foot. So I gave it a go for a week, by which time I still had the pain in my

right leg, but I had athlete's foot as well.

Come on, Pam, you're making it up. It's true.

Swear on the Bible, so help me.

true.

Well, yeah, I can't now, can I? Because I can't remember what I was talking

about.

I think it's about time we made a move.

Of course, it'd be different for you, Jonathan.

But when you're ill, you know you're ill right away because you've been trained.

And I suppose your family are the same, are they? Or are you the first of the

line in medication?

Well, actually, no. Is your mother's a soluble aspirin?

What's through here?

Bedroom, you going?

Babysitter. Right.

I suppose they're very proud. I know I would be if I had an offspring doctor.

Of course. Sounds like a German car.

No, but the thing is, you don't know how parents think until you're a parent

yourself. And then you don't think like yours do. Or at least you hope you don't

think like yours do. Did.

Is she feeling OK?

Fine. And Lucinda?

Yeah. She was very quiet.

Yeah, I thought she was going to say something, but she didn't. Something?

Well, not a lot.

Hardly anything.

Oh, well, when it comes to saying not a lot about hardly anything, she'd be

competing with an expert.

I mean, it's hard enough to imagine your parents doing it, never mind enjoying

it.

What's she on about now?

Gardening. Come on, love, time we made a move.

Oh!

Oh! I think you'd better drive, David. That was the arrangement.

We may as well make a move, too, eh? No, not just yet.

Well, good luck, everyone, and remember the old saying, never let the skin of

your...

Oh, I've forgotten.

Bye, Pam.

Hey, Jonathan.

Do you remember the Scots Red Indian? Oh, I don't know.

Have I shown you the pictures from the Christmas?

Yes, you did. Come on.

Bye.

Bye.

Sad to see that.

Oh, she was OK.

OK? She was great.

We're sad because it reminds me what she used to be like before she was infected

with snob disease.

Yeah, well, what about both?

More coffee, anyone?

No, thanks.

I'll take this out, then.

Oh, can I give you a hand?

You could bring the pot.

Just like old times.

Yeah, she's got me mother's refined taste in booze. Anything so long as it's

double.

You OK?

I cope.

So what happened to the big announcement?

Don't know. Must have changed her mind.

Well, she decided she wasn't pregnant.

If only.

What have you got there?

A tank of mammon.

Seems adultery's dropped to number seven.

Oh, nice adultery cinder.

I think I'd better take him home now before he turns into a pumpkin.

Oh, too late.

Not just yet.

There's something I wanted to say.

About time.

I mean, is that the time? Oh, it's quite early, actually.

Sit down, Markham.

Pam and David have gone.

Yes, I had noticed.

But this concerns just us.

I just wanted to say that Malcolm and I made a mistake.

Hey, go easy.

We did something in haste, something we weren't really ready for.

We shouldn't have married.

It's obvious he's still in love with you, Brenda.

He's not very good at hiding things.

You knew?

Well, it was all the non -contest, Malcolm. I mean, after all, she's a

you're a man.

Seven years of medical training to spot that.

Right, well, we did meet, but we didn't... And it was only the odd lunch,

stopped. Malcolm, I understand.

You do?

Yes. I really do.

Scottish dancing.

That could be called the lowland fling.

May I?

I'll use the one in the kitchen.

Look, it's different now. I mean, we could have before, but we can't now

because... Look, I think you should tell them.

They know.

Oh, I see, you've told them.

And you told... Even so, we can't... We can.

I'll explain to them later.

I'll have to go.

Vincent's just fallen down the steps at the residence and they need a cover for

a casualty.

But I think we all need to talk.

No, Malk. They need to talk and we need to talk.

Come on, I'll run you in.

Thanks.

Bye.

I don't believe this.

It's OK, Mark.

Well, I can't leave her now. She's having my... No, Mark.

Oh,

God.

It's not so bad.

No, how am I going to tell my mother?

Don't worry about it. I'll get my mother to do it. That'll confuse them both.

So they've been... And all we ever did was... Malcolm, leave the hypocrisy to

the Sunday papers, eh?

It's not fair, though, is it?

Isn't it?

Well... There's still time.

Is he vibrant?

Is he out to walk?