Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

Oh, hello, Spinoza. Home again?

Had a heavy night, have you, you randy little beggar?

No wonder you need to sleep all day.

And what's your excuse?

Oh, aye.

Any tea?

I'll make some. Sit down.

I've been working late.

Oh, yes.

I rang here last night.

Last night?

Oh, yeah, I had to run Lucinda into work.

Sort of ten -ish. When did you ring?

Eleven.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I got back just after.

Then again on half past?

Right.

That'll be when I put the milk bottle out. Oh, no, I remember. A letter. VAT.

had to catch the first post this morning.

Malcolm. Yes?

I need to talk to you.

You do?

Before Lucinda gets in.

Now, hold on. I know you're me mother, but I think it's time you realised I'm

independently married.

And what's between me and her is between me and her. And we've got to sort out

our own dirty washing together on our own. You know that, don't you?

No. You don't.

Phone calls.

Phone calls. I answer and it goes completely dead.

Ah, yes, I know why that is. You see, our phone number's only two digits

different from the doctor's and I think people must have... The amazing number

of people are so sick they can't dial properly.

Yeah, I suppose it's the buttons and what with the swollen fingers.

Trouble is, I only say hello, so how do they know it's the wrong number?

Hello? In that voice?

What do you mean?

Ah, yes, you see, well, the doctor's receptionist is Jamaican. Oh, Malcolm,

don't be so naive.

Well, one of them is. I know her husband.

Now, stop and listen.

Do you know where your wife is at night?

Let's see, yes.

Yeah, last Tuesday she changed wards, so now she's on the Edwina Corrie male

surgical.

And in the day?

Well, sometimes she calls and does some shopping on the way home, then she sees

some friends and then she goes to bed.

In that order?

What do you mean?

Oh, no, not loose, no.

Oh, you think the phone calls are for... Well, they're not, they're for... For

ever getting the wrong number.

It's my fault. I've cosseted you. You've had it far too sheltered and

upbringing, and now you can't see deceit when it's right under your nose.

Sometimes it is difficult to see things when they're right under your nose.

Malcolm. Hi.

Mother, look, don't say anything, please, promise me. We'll sort this out

amongst ourselves.

Hello, Marjorie. Oh, gosh, you look a bit... You had a heavy night?

Absolutely. I can't wait to get into bed.

What's new?

Er, what's new in the way of patients, new admissions, you know. Well, I'll

you what. You have a good day's rest and tell me about it tonight.

And I'll make you a nice hot drink.

And there's David and me and Zelda.

Mm, nice.

Oh, and there's you and Lucinda and Malcolm and Zelda.

Lovely. Oh, and that's David's sister, Jane, and her husband and Zelda.

Smashing. Oh, and that's all of us outside the church.

Oh, that's nice.

Tis good, isn't it? I'm thinking of getting it blown up.

You think it'd upset the vicar?

Oh, and there's the rhododendron by the gate. Lovely.

Now, if you'd just like to tell me which ones you want copies of, I'm making a

list. Right.

Oh, and I'm getting a copy of this one for Mum, the three generations.

She won't thank you. She tells everyone at work you're her sister.

She doesn't. She doesn't, her older sister.

Oh, stop changing the subject.

It's a 30 -pence each, so if you'd just like to make a note.

There's every combination. What about Zelda and the godparents?

Oh, you and Malcolm and Zelda.

Old times, eh?

I'll put you down for Zelda and the Godparents.

Oh, there was a lovely one of you and Sarah. She's holding your hand and

pointing at Malcolm's mother.

Yeah, she couldn't believe it.

Hiya.

Hello, Brenda.

Been put through the dreaded photo torture.

Yeah, they're great.

Especially the first three packets.

So, how's the boyfriend?

Oh, that's a thought. And I've got one of you and Jonathan together.

Pity. One in the church porch might have planted the seed, eh?

Take more than a zoom lens to do that, eh?

We could have sat back and seen what developed.

Am I finished?

Sorry. Sorry. Only pulling your leg.

Yeah, can't get too negative about these things.

Talking about Jonathan, think he fancied a four ball on Tuesday?

Doubt it, he's away for a couple of weeks.

Oh, no.

Sorry. Oh, we didn't realise. You said you were a bit messed up. You fancied a

chat, didn't you?

Why, a couple of weeks. Let's all have a drink. Three gin and tonic.

Tonic for me, son.

Just gin for me.

I understand, Bren. Two weeks is a long time when you're in love.

I've got a minute.

And here's me going on about babies and everything, aren't I, Tackler? Do you

mind letting me get away, then? Yes, of course. But if it's a girl's talking

one, just say. We can go and look after Sarah. No, it doesn't matter.

Right, if it's about relationships, now that's something you've got to work at.

You could let Brenda speak.

Am I rabbiting again? Sorry. Yeah, the phone's been faulty and she's got

withdrawal symptoms.

Now, you tell it, Bren. What's your problem?

I haven't got a problem. I understand.

David, go and check up on the kids. Right. No, stay.

It's all right.

Right. Well, yes, perhaps you can contribute.

Because we know how to make a relationship work, don't we? Yeah, you

Shh! Exactly.

No, the important thing is trust.

And remember, marriage is for keepers. The vows aren't there for nothing and

people should respect that.

I know that one in three ends in divorce, and that's a terrible thing

think about it. But the problem is usually some third party.

The other woman.

That's what you've got to watch for.

Like you.

Now, look, that was different.

David's marriage was virtually over before we met.

I'm fluffy.

I was very young, and his wife didn't understand him. Brenda, how can I help

if you keep changing the subject?

This is about you and Jonathan, right?

Right? I'll say right, for God's sake.

Thanks. You've been a great help, but I've got to go now.

Thank you, Pamela and David. You've really sorted things out for me.

kid. And if you've got any other problems, I'll let you know.

Bren, you still OK for tomorrow?

Yeah. We need to leave about seven.

No problem.

And, Bren, you know, she's right, you know.

We do care, and we'd love to see you settled and happy.

Would you?

Yeah. So if he's the one for you, don't hold back.

Just go for it.

Thanks, David.

I think I will.

Everybody out?

Yeah, apart from the family. What?

Don't, I can't handle it.

We've got to talk.

Right.

I've had a long, hard think.

And like they say in the worst movies, we can't go on like this. Yeah, sure,

We'd rather call it quits now and stop seeing each other up. What are you

This is dangerous.

If you're looking for the searchlight and a copper with a loud hailing, you're

in the wrong picture. Your mother might come home early.

Or Gerald.

Or Gerald.

So you called round to give me something?

Give you something? Right, great.

What? A bird -watching magazine.

Good, fine.

Where is it?

Here.

Right. Now, will you listen to me?

Yeah. Oh, you know, we shouldn't have met here.

Malcolm, wherever and whenever we meet, you're like a nun in a brothel.

again? Yeah, right.

What? Why? What have I done? Nothing. That's the point.

Brenda, I respect you too much. Oh, I don't mean that.

What then?

I called round to our Pams yesterday.

God knows why.

When it comes to sensitivity and female intuition, my sister's a fella.

Anyway, I've had a good, long, hard think.

And when it comes down to it, a choice has to be made, and it has to be made by

you.

A choice?

It's either me or her.

Pam's already married.

So's Lucinda!

I know. To me.

Malcolm, I'm not going to see you again.

I can't cope with all the secret meetings and the telephone calls. In

can't even cope with this conversation, so let's just call it quits.

I can't. I won't.

I'll leave her.

You will?

I mean, it's not so unusual, is it, these days? I mean, one in three do end,

it's better sooner than later with no kids involved.

When?

When? When will you tell her?

Good.

Anyone home?

Where is it? What? The magazine.

There it is.

Oh, hello. You finally made it, then. You council fellows certainly take your

time. It's not about the council.

Brenda gave me this to give to her today.

Thanks.

You're six months behind if you spend your time reading. Have you showed him?

Now, Mrs. Nextdoor had hers cleared out a week after she complained.

Mind her, fella's six foot two in his glasses and comes from Middlesbrough.

Brenda, make a cup of tea.

Now, you'd better come through, and I'll get you something to kneel on. But

don't drink it till after you've washed your hands, cos there's all sorts

downgrade.

Lucinda. Yes?

Yes?

How's the car?

Fine. Whatever it was needed fixing, you fixed it.

Good, yes, I thought I had.

I wonder if we should have a little chat.

Yes, we certainly should.

I've got something to tell you, but first you tell me. What is going on?

Going on? Nothing, nothing.

Oh, at least I'd like there to be something. Not so much going on as

going off.

And it seems you have.

Completely. Do you realise that in the past six weeks your business has made

princely sum of just £17 net?

And with the gas and electricity to pay this month.

Yes, I think I know why that is.

I definitely know why it is. You're not doing anything.

That's right.

Well, no, I am doing something, but really that's what I wanted to talk to

about. Well, one thing's for sure. We can't go on like this.

Even in the worst movies.

I can't go on hiding from the searchlight any longer. I just want to

and say it's a fair cop with me hands up.

What are you talking about?

Oh, should I start at the beginning?

Yes, but not now. I hadn't realised the time.

You're not on till ten.

I was seeing Kerry.

We'll have a long talk this evening.

I should have something to tell you then. But I won't be here. Well, then,

next time you're in.

And Malcolm.

Yeah? Feed the cat.

That bit, that yell.

Do this, do that.

Well, I'm going. I'm leaving.

When? When?

Now. Now?

Yeah.

Got to be now or never.

Well, if you won't listen, you can watch.

Oh, finished your dinner already, have you?

Yeah, well, stop trying to make me feel lousy. We'll argue custody later.

Out early for once.

And made the bed.

No, not Malcolm.

That poor girl.

Hello?

Lucinda?

Marjorie. Another of those phone calls?

Yes. I'm so sorry.

You are.

I've been guilty of a terrible misjudgment.

You have?

Yes, dear.

Look, come in here.

Time we had a little chat.

Would you like some tea?

Chattered, are you, dear?

Yes, we had a lot of admissions last night.

You mean he's confessed?

Confessed? Oh, you poor child.

And I thought he was... Well, never mind.

Look, you have your drink and go to bed, and I'll track down that sex -crazed

Lothario. What?

Oh, don't worry, he's often out all night.

He is?

But this time he's... Oh, it's all right, he'll be back.

He certainly will.

I'll see to that.

Good day.

Is your mother in? Yeah, but she's a brother.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, sorry, didn't recognise you. Look, you haven't come in.

Here's a very nice house, isn't it? Considering how close to the city you

Oh, yeah. It's in there, sitting in a tin box under the fire.

What?

Oh, well, I... No, Marge. Gerald, make some tea for... Unless you'd like

something stronger. No, thank you.

Enjoyed the christening? The dew afterwards was a bit tame, wasn't it?

time's gone like that.

Did your lot go on anywhere?

I was dead keen, but Brains here had to come out for his flaming South Bank

show. Was it about Confucianism? Gerald, don't I confuse you enough? And where's

that tea?

Now, Mrs Wilson, the reason I've called... Now, don't tell me you're

The trouble is, we had a clear out a few weeks ago for our pam's friend who does

Thursdays for Oxfam.

I'm not collecting. Well, it's just as well, cos there's only an old tracksuit

top that he's grown out of.

And it's pretty mucky, cos I gave it to your lad for Neil on when he cleaned out

the grid.

Malcolm? Well, we don't give our grids names, but...

Look, this is a thought.

Would you like to leave... a plastic bag or a little envelope. Where is he?

Gerald, hurry up with that tea.

It's the kettle. It doesn't boil up fast since the private eye.

Mrs Wilson, where is my son?

What, the tall one?

I only have the one.

Oh, you're lucky.

I had three, but two of my sons were daughters and getting shot is certainly

problem. And then they come back.

There's someone up there.

Yes, there's a staircase in the hall and you could just better walk up.

Who's up there?

Well, it was me, but no -one now.

Have you seen Malcolm?

Recently? Yes. No. Have you tried the council office? It doesn't work for the

kids. It's all in the middle of the night.

How are you going?

I'm obviously wasting my time here. Oh, don't say that. Yeah, don't switch the

kettle off.

It's nice seeing you again, and we do buy all our Christmas cards from you

Yeah.

And I didn't get here till half ten. Then I realised it was your night off.

Well, the baby staff are up. I haven't stayed the night.

So?

So? Did you have it out with her?

Yeah. Well, no.

Can I choose?

Well, she bought off other things before I had a chance to bring up what I was

going to bring up. So tell me before I bring up my dinner.

Well, with this business with me and you, I haven't been where I should be as

much as I ought to be. So my business isn't doing very well, hardly any.

And £17 wouldn't be enough for the gas or the electric.

You know, Mark, I think I know what your problem is.

The rest of us think of something then say it.

You say it and then try and work out what it was.

Pardon? Never mind.

So then what happened?

Well, I couldn't explain to her about the other until I told her what I'd got

tell her. And then she was meeting Kerry, said feed Spinoza and left.

So you didn't?

Oh, yes, I fed him, yeah.

You didn't feed?

I did.

Without telling her, you can't do that.

I've done it. And then I came here, but you weren't. So I spent the night at my

garage. Mark, you're going to have to tell her.

But, Brenda... No buts. Go now. Phone me when you've done it.

Now? Now.

Brendan. Go.

I'll tell her. Right.

I'll go straight home. Good. And I'll tell her why I've left. That's right.

We can have a drink first. No.

Brendan, baby, is that four o 'clock night milk?

Please.

And have you seen... Three, please, Malcolm.

Not since the christening.

Right, there you are. Now, as we go through them, Let me know which ones

like copies of.

Oh, not that one.

He could help. Me?

Collect some glass.

He virtually lives here. He could be the home help.

Will I get paid?

No.

I'm sorry, mate. We're closed.

It's her I want. It's her I want as well.

Where's Malcolm?

I don't know.

He's gone home. What?

You tell her he's left.

Left his saxophone on the bus. He doesn't play the saxophone.

Oh, well, he won't miss it, then. I know what you've been up to, you wanton

hussy. You Jezebel, you.

You, you, you. Yes, Trollope.

Losey. Yes, Losey.

Baggage. Exactly.

But don't think he'll get away with it.

He'll be back.

I'll be back.

I'm the home help.

Not anymore, you're not.

So, what I'm trying to say is...

I can't keep going on like this.

And it's probably better we stop going on now, with no offspring, than going

later, when we might have, if we can. Though we don't know we can. That's not

right, either.

I'll start again.

For a while now, we've been living separate, parallel lives in different

directions. I mean, at night, where are you? Oh, I know where you are.

But you might not be, for all of it.

And who are you with? That's a point.

Who are you with?

I guess that Persian from next door, but three. Oh, hi.

You're awake.

Not yet, but I'm working at it. I was just, um... Talking to the cat.

Don't worry. If he ever answers back, let me know and I'll get you some

Look, Lucinda, about last night... Right, if we didn't finish our chat.

Well, just let me come to you first.

Oh, yes, and you didn't reset the alarm clock this morning.

Well, of course I didn't, because I wasn't... You don't know.

Know what?

Oh, God.

Oh, no, I can't cope with her at the moment, Malcolm.

OK, I'll get shut.

Ah, you're here.

So... Mother, look... I have things to say to both of you. Please, Marjorie,

very tired. This won't take long.

Mother, will you please... I'll deal with you in a minute.

Now, Lucinda, I have to say it, but you're far too tolerant.

Pardon? Believe me... If you let them get away with the philandering at this

stage, by the time they're faulty, you'll have a blue beard on your hands.

as for you... Not today, Mother. I beg your pardon?

Did you bring ham for your tea?

What? Because the cat's just climbed in your bag.

What? No!

How did you know? Oh, it was always cold. I'm on Fridays.

And anyway, there's things to say, important things concerning me and you.

Yes, and I've got something to say to you too.

Right. So should I go first? No, let me go first. If you don't, I won't get it

right. Not that there is a right or a wrong. I just think we should understand

each other, which I think we do. And it will be best in the long run. Let me go

first. Mine's a lot simpler.

Malcolm, I'm pregnant.

Pregnant?

Confirmed this morning.

Pregnant? Right, so what was it you wanted to say to me?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

make me laugh.