Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one to Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be, what does he...

When are you ready there, love?

I'm ready.

Trying a little pint of Nats, eh?

The Nats run dry.

You've got to have a bit of it.

Anything else?

Yeah.

Right, you've spoiled it now.

What? You've smudged your lippy.

This one inside of that barn has nipped the golden mine smudging.

Yeah? Harold, there's somebody here who fancies you.

Here we are.

It would be tough to get in out of the rain, except that it's already started.

Now, what will you... Oh, I think it's yours, isn't it?

Hello, love. I wasn't sure if you were in, but you're here, so you must be.

I don't think it's my deal.

Ed, Ed, she's on shoes.

We've just popped in on the way. There'll be Atlantic's near it. That's

not the ocean. But I just thought I'd check that you were here.

Because if I am, you've got to get Gerald's tea.

Oh, no. Well, yeah, but I'm going anyway once we've had one to celebrate Edith's

wedding anniversary. Where's Dave? On the same day.

Isn't that a good thing?

I'm not married.

Well, I'm glad to, because it's not much of a birthday present. Mother, what do

you want?

Oh, that's kind of you, Brenda, but my friend's already offered.

Oh, a gin and orange in them.

Oh, just a vodka.

It's a bit early in the evening for anything alcoholic.

After this, you go.

You don't. She doesn't seem very happy. Oh, you're right there, El.

Enid. Mine, she was never a very happy child. I blame the books.

She used to read a lot, and now her brother's going the same way, and it's

necessary. Not for the Navy, anyway. She looks a bit pale.

Probably needs to get away for a bit. Oh, you're right there, Ethel. But I've

told her, Brenda, I've said you need to get away.

Canada's lovely.

Now, what can I get you two, gentlemen?

Same again, please, Harold.

Right you are, sir.

Is that your mother?

No, that's Harold. My mother's not as good looking. Oh, really?

So she said.

I think it's just another way of twizzling the family allowance.

You don't like it, are you?

There's no point in flattering me. I'm still not going to go out with you.

Same again, wasn't it?

Yes, but if you can't remember what it was, you'd better make them double.

Oh, thank you.

£1 .96.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, there you are. And give us a packet of ready salted for our Gerald tea.

Hi there.

Hello, you're late.

Yeah, I have a lot on at the moment.

Malcolm?

Sorry?

Sleep well?

No, that clown next door had Radio 1 shaking the plaster all afternoon. Do

think you could have a word with him?

Er, next door?

Yes, and would you empty the pedal bin? And there's a stack of ironing you could

at least make a start on.

Right. And why didn't you tell me Nicky rang?

Because I never bloody see you. Pardon?

I forgot.

Well, there's a notepad by the phone. Sorry.

Not a lot to ask, considering all the calls I take for you.

What's to eat?

Well, I don't know.

Well, what about you? What have you just had?

Cornflake. I'm on nights, remember?

All right. What did you have this morning?

Um, baked aubergines in Stilton with baby sweetcorn.

Oh, sounds great. Any left?

Don't know.

You'd better ring the hospital canteen.

Hello.

Through here.

Hello, you two.

Don't mind my coming in the back way, do you? Of course not. Malcolm, take your

mother's coat.

Be better if I had a key, really, don't you think?

Would it?

In case you lost yours.

You should always leave a key with a neighbour. It's the law. The law?

The police say you should.

Mother, the police are not the law.

There's too many things like that, Malcolm.

Anyway, you live miles away.

I hope you're not going to suggest a move house just so that I can look after

your spare key.

No, I'm not. I'm simply saying... No, I don't know what I'm saying.

Mum? Yes?

It's the gypsies. They're detaining the kids. They want the clothespins back.

Morning.

Oh, no, no. Just popped in on the way somewhere else, have you? Well, as a

matter of fact, yes.

Oh, very nice.

Well, don't you want to know how much your new granddaughter weighs?

Mm, I'll measure her later.

She's 9 .5 kilos.

9 .5? Well, I never... I never know how much those kilometres are.

20 pounds.

20 pounds? Is it?

It's better in real money, don't you think?

Um, look, is Brenda in? Sorry, love, she's working.

Oh, um, well, we'll only be an hour. You see, we're going to look at her house,

and it'd be so much easier just the two of us. Yeah, but Gerald's got his

homework to do. Oh, Mother, it wouldn't hurt you to look after them. Oh, I know,

love, and anyway, I'm used to paying.

It's just that we've got a plane and we've young children around. Well, you

wouldn't want them to catch typhoon, would you?

Typhoid. No, I think it's blocked the sea back.

What I'd like to think is that they might just catch a bit of love and

from their grandmother. Oh, Pamela, please don't use that word. It makes me

over 35.

You are over 35.

Only first thing in the morning.

Lovely. Lovely.

And only 9 .5 telegrams.

Kilograms. Well,

I know it's hard with both of you working.

And I also know that he's not much use of the domesticality.

I'm afraid it's my fault. I've spoiled him.

In 30 years... at home, he was never so much as asked to take a hair from the

bathroom plug hole.

I thought not.

But like I said, dear, that's men.

They'll do as little as you let them get away with.

I've come to realise that, but I am taking a firm hand.

Good for you.

I'm determined not to run round after him.

Binoculars have been behind the curtain on the kitchen windowsill for months

now, but I'm not going to move them.

Well, actually, me binoculars are in a secret compartment in the sidecar, and I

know they're still there because I used them only yesterday when I went over to

Cordy and saw a sparrow hawk at... Kitchen windowsill?

Yes.

Oh, right, that pair.

Gerald?

I can't, I've been attacked.

I'll go.

Malcolm. David.

Is Brenda in? I don't know. We've only just got here. Well, she might be

upstairs. Come inside.

Hello.

Hello. She remembers you.

Is Brenda upstairs?

Not unless you go through the bedroom window.

Oh, Malcolm.

Oh, hi, Pam.

Oh, I bought these. They're Brenda's. Oh, she's aware. Oh, was it?

Oh, hello. Now, don't tell me you're the chap from the council who used to go

with her but got married instead.

Anyway, it's the one under the kitchen window.

Now, I did get Gerald to put his welly on and waggle it about a bit. He's not

from the council.

Amazing.

Now, I was convinced he'd use one of those long sticks with a twisty bit at

end.

Now, I'm going past the grates. I'll pop in then. Well, nice to meet you all.

Well, we won't be long. Oh, hey, you know... You can wait here if you want

Brenda won't be long. And as you hear, you could keep an eye on these two. Oh,

Mother. Or Gerald will if you'll do his homework.

What about after you pack up tonight?

What about you packing up polluting?

If I give up smoking, will you go out with me?

No, but if you give up breathing, I might think about it.

Is the lake shore at the multi -screen?

Have you seen a living dead?

I spent most of my life saving them.

I'll pay.

You just look like an adult to get you there.

What is it with you, Brenda?

You carrying the torch or something?

What? You some mooching after that tall fella you used to go with?

Listen, Mouth, I never mooch after any fella, least of all that dither and

divvy. Sorry.

It's just that... Well, he's standing behind you.

Hello, Brenda.

Just passing.

Half a lager, please.

So, er...

How's life?

Lively. How's marriage?

Deadly. Well, I mean, no, no, it's not. It's good.

Well, reasonably good in different ways.

65. Well, not that many.

55 pence.

Oh, I've got something for you.

I've been looking for those.

Sorry, I didn't know I had them. Well, at least I did, but I forgot.

I didn't know whether you were still interested in... We've not seen you at

club recently.

Still don't suppose you've had much time to do anything, have you? Stuck in

here. I can swap on a lake.

Actually, I was thinking of going to the next meeting.

Oh, I see.

Interested in feet, are you?

What? Well, there's some fellow Spencer giving a talk on feet, birds' feet.

Yeah, Thursday the 19th. Perching, pouncing and paddling. Yeah, yeah,

wrong, yeah.

Thought it might be a bit boring. Still better than being stuck in here all the

time, eh? It's all right in here, actually.

What do you want me to do with these?

Do you really want me to answer that?

I can't answer this for you. Well, I don't want them in here, do I? Finish

that glass, love. No, don't.

You'd better get him another.

You should use a hairdryer.

What? On the case.

Look, you take these and them.

Actually, I'm going out straight from work tonight.

What's that film we're going to see, Alvin?

What? Tonight, The Late Show.

Oh, yeah? The Living Dead?

So I won't want to be carting them around with me. And I don't want to

them here. So you can drop them off at our place on your way home. I've already

been. What?

All right.

But you do look a bit pale.

It is.

I'm going to look.

Honestly, Mother, we didn't like either of them. I mean, we all know the compact

kitchen means you can't turn round in them.

But normally, an easily run garden's a little bit more than a crazy paved yard

with a lavatory in it. Oh, and a terrible cold in winter.

It's a bush. Well, that's all right for pellets.

Anyway, what do you want to know? Oh, there's some crisps in the oven. That's

nice house you've got over in there, wherever it is. Mother, it's on an

Oh, I see.

Well, with David's business doing so well, we can afford a proper house. One

with character.

And dry rot.

Oh, shut up. You mean a big one?

Well, not just big.

Established. Oh, an old big one.

Well, I was reading at Bingo Monkey about some very nice houses in... Now,

you Halifax? Mother, we are not moving to Yorkshire.

No, I was just thinking of Nova Scotia.

Well, we're talking five bedrooms, cos we'll be doing a lot of entertaining.

And, of course, we're going to need a living au pair girl. Are we?

We'll have a little chat about that later.

David, you can't expect me to look after two children.

And run a big house.

Well, it needn't be that big if we don't have a... David.

Gerald.

Let the butler get it.

He's thick and tired of commuting through that tunnel every morning. So

we don't get an au pair, girl, it'd be much easier running the baby to get to

home. Where to?

Well, here, of course.

Who was it?

It was Malcolm.

Who? The tall man from the council. Oh, without the trains.

He said he needs to use a hairdryer on them.

Well, we'll give it a try, but I still think a long stick like a toaster could

be better.

So, which of our multifarious flying friends have we missed?

The pterodactyl. A little more.

Baby pterodactyl.

The swift.

Because the swift never perches, but only clings to vertical surfaces.

Thus, its toes are distributed thus.

Fore and non.

Now, as you know... the Swift spends virtually all its life in the air. Eat,

sleep, does everything in flight.

Everything? Let me leave you with a little conundrum.

Why is a Swift like a TV newsreader?

Is it a play on the word bird brain?

The answer is that neither of them need to have feet.

That's a bit sick.

Well, on behalf of the First System Ornithological Society,

Let me thank Mr Spencer for a fascinating talk.

Next month we have Mr W. Oddy with a talk on the species advantage of staying

together. He's called it to flock or not to flock.

Now, before we break, Professor G would like a brief word on this year's Super

Twitch.

Thank you, Jean.

Just to say that this year's Super Twitch will be held in Anglesey.

And as it's out of season, we've managed to negotiate a very good rate at the

Buckley Arms Hotel.

Oh, the details are on the sheets here.

Yeah, we've fixed up some activities for the non -bird -watching partners you

might like to bring along for the weekend.

Yeah, there's a trip to Beaumaris Castle on the Saturday, and a ramble over to

Landfair Quill Girl Thingy with the long name on the front.

Oh, the draw for partners will be at Friday night, 8 o 'clock, as usual.

So, remember, it's a fun weekend, and if...

If last year there was anything to go by, it should be moderately OK.

I'll bring the sheets down.

So what do you think then, Bre?

Double up.

What, 80 quid?

Come on, it'll be great.

You think so?

Breakfast included.

£80 for a weekend at a smart hotel is incredibly reasonable.

And it is incredibly reasonable if you're married to an incredibly loaded

But to me, it's a week's take -home. I'm sure I'd have married you before David

came along, if I'd really wanted to.

Yeah, you would. You'd have found some other mug who can't tell his dork from

his butter.

All a question of knowing what you want out of life, then getting it.

I'll tell you the truth, I could do with a long break myself.

Don't suppose you fancy any long -term baby -minding, do you?

Pamela, I have a job of my own.

And if I did have a long weekend, I certainly wouldn't want to spend it

up at your place, especially as it's on an estate.

Don't need to be darky. The house was right for us then. It's just not now.

It's all a question of position.

It always was with her.

I think you'd be far more comfortable there than crawling around soggy

on this twitching business.

What's so special about this weekend, anyway?

It's a competition.

What kind of competition?

Then we pair off and then the winners are the ones with the longest list by

But if I went, it would be Beaumaris Castle in a Sunday morning ramble.

Afraid so. Pretty boring, really.

I'd have thought the castle would be very educational.

She's on her feet all day, aren't you, love?

That's perfectly true.

You put your feet up, dear.

I'll wash up.

Malcolm, you can dry.

We let them drain, actually.

Typical.

If you're not keen, it doesn't matter.

Not exactly weekend exotica, is it?

No. And if the weather's bad, and it usually is, well, then it's really

miserable.

I can imagine.

And we've got to take the bike to get over the rough ground.

Will Brenda Wilson be going?

Who? Oh, her? No, no, I shouldn't think so, no.

Because they're more expensive if you're on your own, isn't it? See, a single is

only £15 cheaper than a double, and doubles for two, which is half as much

whole, unless two singles... Oh, come!

Oh, oh, good.

It'll be a break, though I'll probably skip the rambling.

Get enough of that here.

98, please.

There you go. Keep the change.

Oh, you really throw it about, don't you?

Can't get rid of it fast enough.

Well, Rockefeller, have you ever felt the urge to escape this mad city life

lead and head for the wilds of deepest Anglesey?

Anglesey? You know, Anglesey.

Where's that?

Oh.

Well, Brenda, look, just give me meals, will you?

Now, do you think I could tempt our gentleman to a packet of pork

Lots of them pretend vegetarian.

Is he? How long's this been? Oh, about four years. Amazing. Do you think that's

allowed in the Navy?

Insist on it.

Well, I'll make you cheese and onion and have a packet yourself.

Oh, you look as shattered as I feel.

No, you know what I mean.

And it's bound to do you good. And you'll get back feeling a lot better

you really like it and decide to stay because I suppose you could get a job.

We've been talking.

I mean, the weekend's hardly time to get the feel of a place, so you don't want

to rush back.

Pamela. Oh, I can sympathise. I mean, I need to break myself. Who am I going to

get to take me? I mean, I can't just chat up some tall boy.

It's toy boy.

I

think

we should go for plan B.

What's plan B, then?

I don't know yet but there's got to be one.

nice spot.

Perhaps we could go for a walk later.

Sure.

But not till after the draw. And we mustn't be too late back because I've

be up early tomorrow. It's a long day.

You know, I always thought you didn't approve of this twitching business.

I don't really.

But this is just a bit of fun. Nobody really cares who wins except the two who

win. How do you know they haven't cheated?

What do you mean, claim to have had birds they haven't? You could have

it better, but yeah.

Don't just do that. Birds are very honest about these things.

And anyway, you have a different partner each year, so if you cheated that year,

the partner that you had the following year would be... I'll just go and check

everything's OK.

Hiya. Hiya.

Glad you could make it.

Hiya. Yeah, well, I didn't think you would because of the... Language

No, no, the difference between getting...

Someone to feed me goldfish.

Cost? Oh, no, no problem with the cost, especially if you get someone else to

pay.

Oh, no, not Alvin.

What's wrong with Alvin?

You can do better than... Oh, no, nothing wrong with Alvin, it's just none

business, is it? That's definitely true.

Where is he, then?

Who? Alvin.

Probably propping up the bar at the Grapes. I've got a different sugar

It's very much...

This is it, is it, Brenda?

Yes, this is it. I lost your direction. Here, take this, will you? I'll go and

park.

Hello. Hello, book by phone. It's Mr and Mrs Lynch.

I've got to ask her.

Oh, very nice.

Mr and Mrs Lynch? Yeah, that's right, and party.

Check for the take credit cards, Brenda.

Gold, of course.

Oh, we need.

There we are.

Nice place.

Oh, hello.

Are they having trouble with the drain here as well?

Let's check out where they... Ah, yes.

24.

Clive Jarvis.

With number seven.

Raymond Galloway.

Next, 13.

Brenda Wilson.

With... 27.

Malcolm Stoneway.

Who?

It's me.

Then we saw this other one near Woolton.

Lovely aspect with mature gardens to the rear. But the fourth bedroom was only 9

foot 7 and a half by... No, was that 7 foot... No, that was the breakfast room.

Anyway, the interior design was...

Absolutely yucky. But you get used to that, don't you?

Some people have absolutely no say.

Pamela, what was yours?

I told your mother, tea, Maria and Coke.

Right, it's just that he didn't believe me.

And yours is a double G and T, isn't it, Lucy?

No, just the single.

Oh, sorry, I'd better have that one then.

And that's it. One more G and T, please, just the single.

Both off.

Must be fresh air.

What would your day be?

Lager, please.

Right. And what was your room number again?

247. Did you get that?

I was surprised to see you all here.

Oh, well, it's a quid pro quote arrangement.

Pardon? With Brenda. She can go bed watching through the day. And in the

evening, she baby minds while David and I go out. We've seen this lovely, dead

posh place in Carnarvon. We thought we might try.

I see.

And where did your mother fit in?

Oh, well, it was her idea. She's sharing with Brenda.

The responsibility?

No, just the room.

So, how did it go?

Great.

Good for everybody except me.

You mean you've drawn one of those really boring blokes who takes it all

seriously? No.

Well, yes, I mean, she does take it more seriously than me.

She? I mean, the odds were 26 to 1.

Who? Look, I'll swap with somebody else. Oh, hiya, Brenda.

There we are. Oh, hold it. We need another two. So what is it? Not for me,

thanks. I'm going to look for a swap.

What do you think?

Nah, we'd be better off in the woods.

And a boring old chaffinch.

Anything else?

Yeah, I thought so. It's a red wing.

Sure it's not a thrush? No, it's a red wing.

Could be a song thrush. They're about the same size.

It's a red wing. If it was a thrush, song or otherwise, I'd say so.

OK. Thank you.

Just we've already got a song thrush. Shut up.

And a missile.

Hey, maybe it was a field fair. It's a red wing.

It wouldn't have mattered anyway because we haven't got a field fair. Stop them,

it's a bloody red wing, will you have a look?

No, different focus.

That way, look, there's a red wing.

Hi there.

Having a good morning? Very good. Not bad. Need any help? No. Yeah, we got

tangled up.

It happens.

Yeah, but not usually this early.

Just cut the crap and get us out of here.

Not so many, eh?

Not the third page.

You doing OK?

Absolutely. We're going to head off to Caffney. It's really good. Round there

this time of year.

Oh, yeah?

Don't try any more now.

Switches on her.

See you, Dad.

See you. See you.

Captain, your reservoir's good, is it?

Well, it's good. The coast's better.

If we're playing this game, we're playing to win.

Just leave Nanny goes alone this time.

You come and sit over here.

If I don't... Mummy just wants to paint her shoes.

Are you moving?

Hoping to.

Mark, it's a bit static at the moment.

Oh, that's better.

I need Miss Lassie for scaling the rampart.

They're just a Gucci suede, but they're ever so serviceable.

That's nice.

Margaret, you ready?

Excuse me, what?

The castle.

Castle? Oh, I've, um... I've twisted me arm.

I don't think I'd be able to use carrying anything. Oh, and I was really

forward to... Want the ticket? Well, it's no good to me, unless you'd like to

come. Oh, I don't think so. Oh, come on, it's a great idea. Get you out of this

place. Well, I had thought I'd just have a quiet afternoon.

It'll be very educational.

Now, don't be rushing it. Look, Lucy, if you're after a quiet afternoon amongst

friends, why not join me and these three young rugby players I've found? They're

a very thirsty lot. Just a bit of fresh air would be a good idea.

Oh, sweet self.

Well, I'd best get back then.

Hey, hey, look. What?

A crab.

Has he got wings?

Er, no. It doesn't count then.

What is this life? They're full of care. We have no time. Oh, what are you up?

Stand and stare.

Oh, this is useless. They can see us coming a mile up.

Hey, perhaps we could disguise ourselves as two rocks and roll slowly along the

beach. Or better still, two crabs.

No, that wouldn't work, would it? We'd get eaten by a seagull.

Malcolm, if you're not going to take this seriously, we may as well pack up

and go back to the hotel.

All right, what have you spotted?

Nothing, we're too exposed.

Hey, you could go up there.

That's probably the most intelligent thing you've said since birth.

Do you know what it is?

You should stop while you're ahead.

More coffee?

No, sir.

I'll finish it off, then.

A letter black, that's all.

We've already had one.

No, that was a grey, so this is a letter.

How can you tell?

It's bigger, with yellow legs.

Yellow legs?

All these years and I never knew that.

Well, I suppose I did, I just forgot.

You do forget things, don't you, Brent?

Shut up, you make me forget the ones we already got.

Er, no, but I think I've got one pilchard left.

You're not calling.

One herring goal.

One goal, bracket, herring.

Oyster catcher.

One catcher of oysters.

You're just not interested, are you?

I don't like this twitching business.

What did you come for?

Well, I'm club secretary, and I do think committee members should support

things. It's just I always think it's going to be more fun than it actually

Oh, thanks.

You know what I mean.

Well, if you're not enjoying yourselves, we spoil it for your partner.

Sorry, Bren.

Just like you always did.

Pardon? Nothing.

Hold on, you meant something. Forget it.

I thought it was empty.

You could have one of mine, except... Tell you what, let's swap.

You sit here and do some spotting, and I'll sit back there and be stupid.

Sorry, Brett.

Stop being shoddy!

I am.

For lots of things.

It wasn't just you.

No. It was mainly you, though.

Of course.

You don't look so bloody agreeable.

What's the worst part?

What, like walking out on the same line?

Suppose you had your reasons.

One day that halo of yours will get caught in the door and pull your head

will it?

Hey, you remember that time when we got... Yeah.

Let's have a look how many we got out.

Thirty -six.

Yeah, we've had to go better than that.

Would you like me to take a turn?

It's all right, we'll try.

David, I've just seen the biggest flat.

Of course, I haven't always appreciated culture.

Now, years ago, if we'd come on a trip like this, say, with the office or

something, I'd have dived off to the nearest pub.

Sounds like a great idea.

Take no notice, Lucinda. He's joking.

David's just as historical as me.

You should see some of the books we've got on our coffee table.

Lovely, glossy pictures.

And thick, too.

Oh, well, of course, it's only recently that getting out has become a problem.

But with friends away for the evening, she's great without them available.

And you get a neighbour and you can't stay out really late.

I thought it was different when she and Malcolm used to sit.

In fact, when Sarah was first born, we were encouraged to stay out late.

Pamela. Don't rush back, she used to say.

Well, it's understandable, isn't it? I mean, when you're first going out

together, you appreciate any opportunity to be on your own.

Pamela? Yes, in a minute, David. I'm talking.

I thought,

I bet you've got a few stories to tell, eh?

Good heavens, look at that.

What? The view.

Well, why the panic? It's not going anywhere, is it? What do you think,

What? The view.

Oh, very nice.

Right, well, I think it's probably time we started making our way back.

It's a bit slippy across here, so we'd better be careful where we place our

feet, Pamela.

Oh, I'm always careful.

David.

Sorry about that.

No, no.

That's three times we've been through and it's still only 36.

There was a couple of you didn't write down, I'm sure of it.

They're all here.

Oh, oh no. No, hang on, you're right, yeah. It should be 37.

Because you know that cottage near where we parked the bike?

Well, there was a budgie in the window.

Well,

perhaps it was a parrot.

A dead parrot.

This parrot is deceased.

It has ceased to be. It has passed on.

Mal, come here.

Gone to meet its maker.

Kaput. Done for.

No, Mal, look.

This is a late parrot.

We'll have to swim for it.

That's not... We could shout.

Useless. Nobody passes by, yeah?

Well, we did.

Yeah, you're right. One, two, three. Help!

Help! Help!

Help! That's no use. We'll just have to sit it out.

You can look quick.

The tide will turn in a couple of hours.

You sure?

Maybe. Perhaps a bit more.

What comes up must go down.

Thank you, Einstein.

But I know I'm stuck in a cave for two hours. I want a bit more.

No choice.

Yep, we have.

Oh, you could go up and get help.

What about you?

I promised not to go home.

That's a bit steep. I don't think I can manage it.

Imagine Lucinda's face when she finds out she's been stuck in a cave with me

two hours.

Come on, Bryn, give us your leg up.

You all right?

Yeah.

You sort of move sideways like... I am.

Keep it on.

OK.

You broke the cliff.

I'm in agony.

Is it your ankle?

Yeah. It can't be broken. It's a broken ankle with pain so bad, you think?

Brenda!

Come on.

If you sat on there, you could put your leg on there.

Right.

I'm sorry about the mess. We didn't get much chance to tidy up.

Brenda. We'll go dropping in on people.

Brenda, look.

What? On the wall.

A high watermark.

What, you mean the time of coming here?

Every time?

Well, that's one, dear.

No.

This one will.

It's useless.

There's no one up there.

And even if there was, they wouldn't hear me.

And best save me breath so that when the tide comes in, I'll swim round and get

help. Yeah.

And I'll swim back with a stretcher in me teeth. Great.

I wouldn't mind trying a kid.

Only got me one with breaststroke certificate because I did it in the

end and trailed one foot across the bottom.

Brenda, look.

Help! Over there!

Wave something.

That's no good. You need something light.

Hey, what colour are you?

Black. Don't tell your missus. What about yours?

I can't remember.

Well, have a look then.

Oh, keep waving.

Help! Help!

I can't get them off.

I can.

Leg.

Watch out, Brenda, now.

Oi! Don't be stupid. I've seen her all before.

Careful. What are you doing? Be brave.

Oh, here, let me take her.

You've done enough.

Oh, hello.

Anyway, like I was saying, they never were a well -matched pair. And you

along when you did, well, I think you did everyone a favour.

Glad to be of help.

Well, you know what I mean.

247, please.

Our Brenda needs someone who's going to stand up to her. And even you'd have to

admit, Malcolm's more wimpy than Big Mac.

247. 249, please.

Pamela, your mother's waving at you.

What? Perhaps there's a message.

Hello, darling.

I'm really sorry about... Don't worry.

Are you still coming with us tonight?

Yes, provided my wimpy's back in time.

Mum?

Oh, hello, love.

I'd introduced you, but for the life of me, I can't remember the names.

I don't think they can either.

None. Sorry I joked about it.

You joke about everything.

Probably needs splinting.

Not much point.

Oh, don't be like that. Someone will come for us.

Who? They'll be looking for us by now.

Nobody knows we're here.

That boat.

They'll have seen us and gone for help.

Did they wave back?

Might have done.

Yeah.

You OK?

Cold.

It's all right, isn't it?

What? Cuddling for medical purposes.

It's allowed.

Do nurses do it?

Part of the training.

Seeing as you're not here, you're just going to have to make do with me.

I always liked cuddling you.

We were sort of comfortable when we slept together.

I don't mean when we slept together. I mean when we went to sleep together.

Like two spoons in a drawer you once had?

Don't you remember it?

Not so much now.

Just terrified.

You? Same.

There's nothing we can do.

Maybe Superman will fly in and rescue us.

I always wanted to be Superman.

You were always halfway there.

You'd have made a good Clark Kent.

And you could be my Lois Lane.

Well, it's our last hope.

Here, I'll put these on outside your trousers.

So much we didn't say.

Well, we were never really that good at that sort of stuff.

Did have some good times, though.

Let's just think of them all.

Can you remember any?

No.

Should have kept a diary.

Weren't really suited, though, were we?

I don't think anyone could actually accuse us of being suited.

You know, if I'm truthful and completely honest, well, I've got to say that,

well, if I'm going to die, I'm glad it's with you.

Look, I'm truthful, and if I'm completely honest, I'm going to say that

you've got to die,

I'd rather you did it on your own.

You know what I mean.

It's like you'd always say, I can't stop.

It might have worked, you know.

Didn't really get much of a chance, did we?

Any chance we ever had of giving it's gone now.

I suppose any chance we ever had of giving it... Now, stop there.

You just tell me one thing.

Why?

Why?

Because... Because you loved me and... got along and comfortable and

we sort of fitted.

Like two spoons in a drawer.

No.

No, that will always be just us.

Thank you for your help. Thank you very much.

Still no sign.

No, those two said they were heading for some Kefne reservoir.

But I've spoken to others who went there and no one saw them. Well, really, it's

just not good enough, you know. It's cost me a bomb this weekend and that

can't even be bothered to get back on time. Oh, they may have got lost.

I'm sure that's what they'll say happened.

Yes, well, the table's booked for nine and it's a good three -quarter hour's

drive. Still asleep?

Hi. Are you two going out? It was going to be a foursome.

You'd better go. We'll follow if he arrives in time.

Mum, I don't suppose you'd take over till our Brenda gets back?

I'd love to, Pamela. I really would love to. It's just that this young man has

offered to show me the local nightlife, and it's an opportunity not to be

missed. Land, stay away from this again. You see, my grandmother on my mother's

side was Welsh, and she was the most prestigious person.

How is it?

Well... Thought it would change, but that last one came right in.

Can you stand?

Yeah, now?

No, just that being taller than me will last longer.

Brenda... Brenda, stop it. What else can I do?

Come here, I've got something to tell you.

I have a confession to make.

You shouldn't be here.

I wouldn't argue with that.

No, I mean, well, the reason that you are...

Well, I wasn't 27.

What, in the dwarf apartment?

Yeah.

Aren't you really convincing?

Who was it?

27? Yeah.

Dan.

Oh, well, I can.

Sorry.

You're forgetting something now. It was my idea to come to the show. In a way,

you've saved Dan's life.

Far better thing that I do.

I've got a confession for you.

I know.

You said you'd look for someone to swap with, but you didn't.

How did you know?

Because I think you wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with you.

God.

You did make a mess of things, didn't you?

Yeah.

Now it's too late.

There is one thing you could say to me that you've never ever said before.

What's that?

Well, I told you I looked you.

Just look the way I talk, is it?

Did you?

Of course I did.

Scared?

Not so much.

Thought I'd be running around screaming by now.

It's not your style, is it?

Are you?

Not now.

I just keep wondering what they'll say afterwards.

Well, me mum will be pleased. She's been trying to get rid of me for ages.

My mother said it'd come to no good going out with you.

We should have listened to our mothers.

And then done the opposite.

Alison will look nice in black, though.

And Sam and David?

Well, they'll be busy breeding replacements for us.

Fran? What?

Say it.

What?

What you've never said.

Okay.

Kiss me first.

Now push me left.

Solo.

Up to death.

Anyway,

after we'd been to every one we could find in Menai Bridge, he bet me a bottle

of gin. I couldn't say clarifiable. Go, go, go. Three times without stopping for

breath. And did you?

Oh, Dad.

I'm only showing you. And anyway, I bet him he didn't know which city had the

most trees.

And then I remembered we don't tell anybody that because if the newspapers

out, they might say something nice and ruin our image.

Everybody's so quiet.

Now do you believe me?

You still managed to ruin our evening, though, didn't you?

Oh, well, next time I'll drown.

Well, now we're all here, if the non -birders don't mind, I'd just like to

announce the winner of this year's Super Twitch.

Second, with 59, were Clive and Raymond.

record list of 64 with John and Annette.

Sadly, the tournament committee, that's me, has been forced to make one

disqualification this year as a certain pair who, for discretion's sake, shall

remain nameless, included on their list the long -tailed yellow chopper.

Wait there while I go look at the others.

Hiya.

Hi.

How's your leg?

OK.

What about the bike?

James is bringing it back.

Clive's given us a lift to the train.

So you're not going with them to Puffin Island, then?

No. Thought I'd best stay here and I'll pluck after the tribe.

Conscience. Could be. I've never suffered from one before.

Have you got my binoculars?

Oh, yeah, yeah, they'll be in here.

Actually, they'll be right at the bottom, so if you're not going to need

and if you're going home, well, perhaps I could bring them round sometime.

No, Mark, it's best I take them now.

Yeah.

Yeah, best to take them now.

Ren, about yesterday... Nothing happened?

No. Nothing was said.

Right. And if it was, it was because we were frightened.

Right. Best forgotten.

That's right.

It's best forgotten.

I'll see you there.

Brent, I'll see you sometime.

Oh, actually, I've got something of yours.

Do you want them back?

Have I fallen in his spell?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out? So what do I see in him?

Am I dazzled by style?

Has he made my life worthwhile?

Does he melt me with his smile?

Don't make me laugh.

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