Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So this wedding should be what does it...

There's some more roast potatoes here, Miss Hinder.

No, thank you, Marjorie.

Malcolm. No, I'm fine.

Oh, well.

Waste not, want not, that's what I always say.

So you do.

You've been very busy in the flat, I hear.

We've decorated right through.

Oh, how vigorous.

So now it's to both your tastes.

Let me propose a toast.

May the rest of your marriage be as energetic as these first two months.

Martin. What?

Straighten your hat.

He does get these funny moves.

Go in the water, she wanted to stay.

shanties. Remember, it's Christmas. Actually, I think it's Auntie Dorothy's

turn. Where is she?

Oh.

It seems that we've lost Auntie Dot, so who's turning the...

And if you see Ted, tell him it's his turn.

Now, we can't stay late because you're working tomorrow, right? OK.

What will you do?

Oh, I'll go birdwatching, I suppose.

Now, where are they?

What? Spoons.

Passions. Here you go.

Oh,

remind me to ring when I get in.

Ring who?

Oh, that's nice.

I'm just in time.

If you're not going to stand, you could at least take your hat off.

Thank you, dear. Well, it's packed in there. I'm dying of thirst.

We'll have to get bigger, guys. I think it's going to take this long.

Mrs Wilson, do you mind if I use the phone just to say happy Christmas to my

folks? Help yourself.

We'll get...

Yeah,

well, at least I'll be with the man shortly.

Come on, Brenda, we're all waiting for you.

Well, you can't. I've just spoken to Abel. Did he want to be in early? He's

sick and he's desperate.

Do you want a lift?

I'll get the bus. No, no, no. Sorry, I'll take you. It's all right. You'll be

all right, won't you, Pamela?

Won't we laugh?

Well, looks like I have to be.

Thanks, actually.

You're not stopping, are you? I thought I would. I need a breather. Drink. It's

just it. Oh, I'm in.

Hiya, Brenda.

Oh, she's better.

Half a valet, please, Harold.

Thanks. Oh, thanks. Oui, monsieur.

Two absoles. No alcohol.

You know, you're meant to get more like a sister every day.

How long

does

it go on for?

Days. Anything less than three rates as a failure.

I think I must have an important golf match tomorrow.

Where? I don't know yet.

Have I played out of Pennington?

Yeah, a few times. It's brilliant there on Boxing Day. Is it?

And you wouldn't mind a lift out that way?

How did you know?

I picked up the phone. What is it, some kind of recorded message?

Call Birdline, gives you an update on the latest news.

I'll be leaving early.

Suits me.

Can

I

use your cell phone?

Sure. Birdline.

Yeah, just to check it's still around.

All right?

I haven't got through it yet.

Still rambling on about the black -bellied dipper in the cheviot.

Lock up, will you?

See you back here at one.

Right.

Do you know what this is?

Yeah, it's called a motor car.

You'd better move.

I'm moving.

I mean the motor car. This is the captain's spot.

You'd better tell him to put some cream on it then, eh?

I'm reporting this.

Get started.

Of course, when he was young, your Uncle Wayne used to play with the Beatles.

In the cabin? No, in the cellar. There were hundreds of them. They couldn't

afford trains.

Look what he got.

What did you get?

Now go on, tell Pamela what Father Christmas brought you. I'll have the

of it, a book on knots and a kit bag.

Isn't that just typical?

What typical?

Your fella going off enjoying himself when he should be here doing some

drinking. He'll be back this afternoon.

No stamina, these Scotsmen. He's not a Scotsman. Oh, they all say that.

Listen, are you sure none of you want breakfast?

Brenda. You got a cup for coffee?

What? No, brown stuff.

You used to have it with two sugars.

Yeah, yeah, please.

No sugar, thanks.

Oh, right.

Well?

Well? How come it's you being here?

It's you being here.

Bird line. You heard about the black -throated diver.

Right.

Quite a coincidence.

Not really.

We're both big enough to use a phone.

What are you all birders about?

Christmas, isn't it?

Yeah.

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

Any sign?

No.

Do you want a biscuit?

Yeah, I've got one of mine.

Oh, it's chocolate. There's class.

Just playing.

That's about it.

So, er... How's life?

OK.

How's marriage?

OK. Just OK?

No, well, it's great.

I mean, at least some of the... Well, most of the time.

Well, there's ups and, you know... Oh, no, of course you don't, do you?

I can imagine.

Really, it's not that much different from what we had.

No?

Well, I mean, it is different in so much as we're different.

Well, at least one of us, of the pair of us is different. I mean, I've done the

same. That's true.

I suppose, inevitably, I will change as time goes by.

In some respects, eventually.

And you've already stopped taking sugar in your coffee.

We have to watch me wait.

But apart from that, it's the same as it was with us?

Yeah.

Sure.

Oh, fantastic.

For what? Very edgy.

Interesting.

Nice.

Nice?

Have the flat?

Well, much the same as it was when you and me lived in, um... Thin.

Egbert.

Born in Zare.

So, how is everyone?

Has Pam... Any day now.

Your mother?

Oh, I didn't even know she was pregnant.

It's far too fit and healthy for someone of her age.

Christmas party started yesterday.

She'd have the intention of it going on for Easter.

And you've escaped?

Yeah. Have you?

Yeah. Well, no.

Oh, I mean, Lucinda's working, and I just felt the need to do something I

enjoy doing.

Not that I can't do things that I enjoy, but... I mean... How old's your mother?

Still stuck at 39.

This year it means she had our Pam when she was 11.

I like her.

Pam? Your mother.

Most people do.

You don't know her, though. She's off her head.

She's impossible to... Sorry?

Impossible to live with.

Impossible to live with?

Yeah, the motor museum. Pan threw you out the flat because you were impossible

to live with.

Oh, she said.

I told you, did I?

Yeah, when you reached the big decision to move to London.

I remember, in the back of that big car. Oh, the hotmobile. I saw it recently.

It's still used for...

To when?

London.

Except you changed your mind.

Got off the crew.

Rang me at two in the morning. To pick me up. Yeah, very funny.

No, I should have gone and stayed.

Would have been better for everyone.

Ben, I'm glad you didn't.

It was a long time ago now.

I think I might take a walk up to the top of the lake.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, no sign of the Blackthroat here.

Oh, it's gone.

Gone? I found the bed line when we first arrived.

Wait. Things have moved on to Audenshaw Reservoir, if it's the same one.

And I think it's car phones.

See ya.

Hi. We must stop meeting like this.

Ain't it interesting?

Well, it was a water rail, but it's gone back into the reeds.

Have you?

Oh, just after you left the hide, I had a tufted duck.

With rice or chips?

Brenda? Yeah?

Are you with somebody?

Well, at the moment, yeah.

Yeah.

Who?

You.

Did you come here with somebody?

Oh, yeah.

What, a man?

Well, all things considered, yeah.

Did you meet the birds, then?

Well, not since he married our Pam.

David? Is there anyone to marry her so far?

Is his car phoned? He bought you? Yeah.

He's still doing it, aren't he?

What, bird watching?

Conning or misleading.

Letting me think that things aren't the way I thought they were.

When really they're much the same as I thought they were originally.

Long again, Mark.

Pardon? Things are different.

Very different.

Yeah, I know that. But we're still friends.

Yeah, we're still friends.

We can stay friends.

Maybe.

Just coot and more hens.

Hardly worth staying, is it?

Singing's better out here.

Er, Audenshaw Reservoir, you said?

What, the Blackthroat?

Yeah, that's right.

Bought Lucinda a crash helmet for Christmas.

Really, Mal? You shouldn't be telling me the secrets of your boudoir.

She's not too keen on a bike.

Smart woman.

Keep it in the sidecar.

Funny. I'd have thought she'd have worn it round the hospital.

Well, I think I might as well head over to Audenshaw then.

Yeah, it's not a bad idea.

Are you, er... No, I'm going back.

Not now, Gerald. I'm changing barrels.

You'd think one of your uncles would help, but that would mean standing up.

of them can.

Can't watch it. She could give a hand with the sandwiches.

She's got it. Oh, good. Well, she'll want some more butter, and you'd better

another thin slice from the freezer. Stick it in the microwave and give it

With the baby?

Gerald, that's cruel.

Oh, I see she's started.

Well, isn't that just typical? All right, I'm coming.

The length people got.

All my parties.

And now, who's going to make the sandwiches?

Do you remember that prison?

What, the one we rescued?

Yeah. Yeah, we needed a cardboard box so we had to stop off at Oswald's Cafe.

And I said, can you do something with this? He said, give me 20 minutes, I'll

it with chips and mushy peas.

It works this way, Ben.

Oh, right. Well, cheers, then.

What? Well, I'm only just going to make it.

When David says one o 'clock, he doesn't mean quarter past.

He's been playing golf.

Oh, right.

It wouldn't have been very bright, Mark.

No, no, of course not. You're right.

So, happy Christmas?

Yeah.

Happy Christmas.

But where is he? I did warn you, he's out on the course.

You never spoke to me.

Well, your lady friend, then.

Lady friend?

Yes.

Her. Keys.

Who does this?

The captains.

Well, why is he anchored in here? I warned you, you're in his parking place.

Yeah, well, he can have it back now.

You'll have to wait.

What is he, anyway, a taxi driver?

No, he's a doctor.

Oh, big deal.

And he'll be playing the ninth about now.

Yeah, well, when I get hold of him, he'll be playing the eighth.

Hospital. You need it.

You what? Pam, she's in labour.

Roll this one over. Right.

Don't be stupid.

I know. Put your stuff in the boot and follow me.

Where? Hurry up or we'll miss him.

We should get the move on. All right.

They're taking you through now, love.

David. He's on his way.

Oh. Nurse, have you got an aspirin? It's all right. We'll give her something in

a minute. No, it's for me, actually. I think I've been having too much coke

my Bacardi.

Bye -bye, love.

They're both fine.

What? She's been asking for her lessons.

Oh, yeah.

Can you just pass the news on to Grandma? Wait there and I'll come back

in a few minutes.

Right.

You try that way. I'll try that way. Right.

Excuse me. You'll have to put these on before you get any further.

Please, don't call me that.

My grandma? Yes.

Sorry, Nan.

Mind,

I'm feeling like one at the moment. It's stopping that does it. I was just about

getting me second wind.

I suppose now you're a double grandma.

Brenda! So tell me the rest. What the? So it's a baby. What type?

You mean, are you a grandma or a granddad?

This way.

It's lucky I found you. This place is like a rabbit warren. You could have

phrased that better.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Dad! Me didn't know.

I got lost.

Well, they're both fine.

Oh, lovely.

Brilliant. Both fine. That's the word.

What is it? She doesn't know. It was too soon to tell.

Hey, Chris, Mark.

Mark. You can come through now.

Oh, hello, sister. It's all right, nurse. I'll take them.

Oh, yeah, they're in the sidecar. Do you want to come down and get them? I'll

get them in a minute. I'm just waiting for my mum.

She's having her last little doubt, is she?

She hasn't had her first little doubt yet.

If there was any way she could buy herself out of the granny, she'd play up

straight away.

Waiting for the missus?

No, she's independent.

Oh, how could I forget?

Pardon? The noddy car with the occasional fault.

No, that was genuine. It did have a... Well, I mean, she had trouble... I mean,

been in trouble with...

until I took it in and took it out.

I know, Mark. I was around at the time.

I just didn't want you to think it was all planned, that's all.

Just one thing, though.

Why did you wait?

Up here.

Up for David.

David? Yeah, I thought I'd run him back and pick his car up. Oh.

Oh, sorry, did you want a lift?

No, no. No, because I could go via your place if you want. No problem.

Oh, I know you two just like old times, eh? Well, it better not be.

Do you know... I'd never have recognised you in a mask, though you did remind me

of the fellow who robbed the Halifax on Crimewatch.

He was in black and white.

Yes, David said he'd be out in a... Have you ordered a taxi, Brenda?

Don't bother, cos there's always one dropping somebody off at the front here.

Are you coming?

All the best, then.

Same to you.

Bye, then.

Binoculars. Bran!

Bran! This is very good of you, Malcolm.

Oh, yeah, no problem.

Do you want to catch them up?

Pardon? Brenda and the mother.

No, it's all right. Some other time.

All right.

Some other time.

Have I fallen in a spout?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out? So what do I say in it?