Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be, what does he...

Hello, Brenda. Oh, you're back.

Thanks, Sue.

Oh, did you have a nice... I've put my watch down somewhere.

Not in special.

Oh, good.

Where was it now? A weekend in Wales?

No, Mother, it was two weeks in Torremolinos. Two weeks? Doesn't the

fast? Especially when you can't fight. Oh, there it is.

Now, who'd hang a watch on an elephant?

You. Yeah, but that was a whole stop.

Did you get me card?

I don't think so. We had one from Pamela, though. They're in Italy.

Or was that last year?

Oh, thank you.

There was something for you, though. Came this morning.

Hiya. What have you brought me?

Two weeks dirty washing.

Gerald, where's that letter that came from Brenda?

Do you mean the one you had a nose in because it wasn't sealed properly? You!

Now, you'll need to get a new dress, but they don't bother much with hats these

days, though the posh ones do, and it was engraved.

Where is it, then?

Try the fruit bowl.

That's where I found my dental appointment three days too late. Which

me, Pamela wasn't in Italy, like you thought, because she was on the phone

Tuesday, though it might have been Saturday, because it was afternoon, and

she'd lost a filling in Asda, which serves her right for sampling the golden

delicious.

Yes. Oh.

No.

What of any more?

A few.

Malcolm, nobody's going to buy us a lawnmower, besides which we'll have no

to mow.

Well, we will eventually.

We may need bunk beds eventually, but we're not putting them on the list.

Bunk beds?

For children?

I wasn't thinking of your mother and Auntie Peggy.

All right, then.

Pardon? I'm a cross -out lawnmower.

I have.

And garden waste incinerator, orbital sander and 24 -foot extension ladder.

Well, I suppose it might be difficult to wrap.

I know a Danish pastry maker.

I know a Norwegian bingo caller.

It's a joke. See, you said I know a Danish pastry maker. Malcolm, I did

understand.

I don't really know a Norwegian bingo caller. Malcolm.

Malcolm, it's your wedding as much as mine.

Sorry.

How come everything on the list is to do with your side of things?

My side?

Well, that's very sexist.

We won't have sides, Malcolm.

I hope you'll be in the kitchen just as much as me.

Of course.

Oh, I don't know. You two and your lists.

Didn't have those in my day.

You've taken the surprise element away.

Oh, I'll never forget the excitement of unwrapping our presents.

Those matching storage jars.

All 11 sets of them.

Any biscuits?

Oh, I'll get some.

Malcolm.

Oh, no, thanks.

He's £6 over.

We don't want you looking all slobby on our wedding photos, do we?

I'll bring them in. He can suit himself.

Hiya. Hi.

Are you OK?

Fine. Just put her up.

How was it?

Not bad.

How are you going now?

I'll tell you.

I didn't have a baby in the film.

You should have told him that. The chair is adjustable, you know.

I don't mind one at a time. I don't care very much.

What are you doing?

Replying. That seems a bit of a rush to me.

You don't think... Hardly. She's a nurse.

Well, what? Your sister's was a rush job and she married a chemist.

He was an industrial chemist. Not us.

They've got five now, haven't they?

According to Malcolm, they decided it wasn't worth waiting once they'd made

their minds up.

Once she'd made their minds up.

Oh, that's not fair.

She's very nice.

And Malcolm's been keen to settle down for some time now.

You agreed.

It wasn't up to me.

To be best man.

Yes, a long time ago.

When we thought... No, no, no, no, no, no. I agreed to be best man.

There was no appendix saying, provided you're marrying Brenda.

But that's what we thought.

And anyway, an appendix can't talk. It grumbles.

I suppose she does know.

Well, like you say.

She is a nurse.

Not Lucinda. Brenda knows Malcolm's getting married.

When should you be back from holiday?

Yesterday.

I suppose you should go round there and break it to her gently.

What makes you think she cares?

She's split with him, remember?

Yeah, but it doesn't work like that.

You mean she still wants him?

Possibly, but only if... Someone else does.

Exactly.

I'll go round there tomorrow, break it to her gently.

Yeah. All right, Pam, you haven't left them again, have you? Don't be soft.

Blender around.

Hi, Mum.

Oh, hello, love.

Oh, you haven't left... No, no. Oh, good. I mean, I do understand, but like

always said, it is for better or for worse.

Though I suppose to be better, it would have to have been pretty horrible

beforehand, wouldn't it?

Yes.

Just in time, am I?

Yeah, go on then. You can make it.

Oh, how's life?

Deadly. How's yours?

Oh, heavy.

We'll have to small talk over with.

What do you want?

What? Well, you want to talk to me about something, don't you? No.

No, nothing special.

Do you know, I've never much liked Mum's taste in roller blinds.

You could have told me that over the phone.

Yeah, I suppose I could.

Is stuff any good for ants?

No, it kills them.

Look, what do you want?

I thought you should know.

Malcolm's getting married.

Oh, is he? Yeah. Malcolm Steinway?

Yeah. Well, that's interesting.

Who answered the ad?

What? Oh, well, it's to Lucinda.

Oh, I remember.

Tall, dark girl.

I'm sure they'd be very happy together.

At least they wouldn't be ruining two other relationships.

Mother, I need your coffee.

Yeah.

Oh. We're still friends, you see, Ian's sister.

Did you get one?

Yeah, well, we were bound to.

Bound to?

David's a special man.

Well, that I didn't know.

You agreed ages ago when we thought, when Malcolm asked him.

Well, if it.

You always knew everything before I did.

I'm sorry, Brenda. No, there's nothing to be sorry about.

I tell you what, I'll take Sarah off your hands.

You're not going?

No. I hate weddings. You know me.

All that phony poncing around in long frocks, listening to boring speeches and

throwing your free shit to the eager virgins.

You're what?

Yeah.

For being so tall, you did have an unfair advantage.

Have you got no seating time yet?

For the reception?

No, that's next.

Beth, let me give a hand when you do.

Some relations can be a bit, well, difficult.

On his father's side, that is. Don't mix well.

Yes, we've done like that.

Actually, it's more that they mix too much.

Bernard's on your side.

Bernard's on everybody's side.

Is that Bernard and Aunty Peggy? They can't make it.

Today's RSVPs.

They'll be in Ilfracombe.

That's a relief.

Sorry, lovey, but we booked last month.

Don't forget the fur for the hem of your nightie.

Oh, that'll be to keep your neck warm.

Malcolm!

OK.

OK.

Oh, but not my Aunt Jean and Uncle Walter. They'll be in Florida.

This is what comes of rushing things.

People are on holiday.

And Brenda Wilson?

You asked her?

She's a friend.

She can't come.

She's twitching in Norfolk.

Perhaps I'll have another lesser -spotted gob to it.

Oh, yeah.

Birders say have a bird rather than spot.

Do they?

And a lesser spotted gob twit? Yeah, that was me.

You're well out of it.

I'll go and make us some cocoa.

I've arranged for the flat to be in joint names.

Oh, good, good.

From the 14th.

Fine. That's six weeks from today.

Good. The day we get back from our honeymoon.

Yeah, yeah.

Malcolm, you don't seem too enthusiastic.

Oh, I am. Especially about... Well, I mean about everything.

You are sure, then?

Absolutely. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

You care and me not forever taking the mickey.

And I never will.

Nor will I.

Good. They all make jokes about things.

Right. I mean, some people turn everything into a joke, don't they?

Yes. As if they don't know when to stop.

Malcolm. They don't care how much they hurt people. Malcolm.

Playing tricks and going on and on and on. Malcolm, it's over.

Just you and me now.

Yeah. It was four years, you know.

Over. No, just under, about three and three quarters.

It's over.

Right.

Kiss me.

What now?

Kiss me.

Malcolm? Yeah?

Sit down.

Nervous? No. Good.

Have you got the ring? Yes.

And the spare one in case the vicar drops the first one down the grating.

Yeah, well, it has happened. I read about it in Melbourne, Australia.

Yes, I will remember to take the second one back on Monday and collect your

cheque. The jeweller won't mind. I know.

I offered him a rental fee, but he said... Relax, don't worry.

That's exactly what he said, yeah.

Can we head straight?

That's mine.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Is that the car?

No. You sure? Positive.

Yeah, well, they might arrive a bit early.

Not three hours early.

I told you your safety margins were a bit on the big side. Well, lots of

can go wrong.

Just that today, nothing has.

Right. So far.

Malcolm, nothing can go wrong.

Relax.

Think of something else.

Right.

How's Pam?

Fine. And she will take me mother, won't she? Yes, that's what we arranged.

She's taking Sarah across to Brenda's, then coming straight here.

Brenda? I thought she was in Norfolk.

Oh, she said that.

One of her little jokes.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway.

No.

It would never have worked, you know.

We're so different.

Yeah. You see, I've always been a fatalist. If a thing is going to happen,

will happen. There's nothing you can do about it.

Then why are we ready three hours early?

Well, sometimes you have to give a bit of room for things to happen, don't you?

But nothing has, so far.

You see, Brenda thinks exactly the opposite. She thinks you have to make

happen. We're completely different.

Yeah. Like chalk and cheese, yin and... Tonic? Yang, sorry.

We're poles apart, north and south.

Mind you, in magnetism, unlike poles, do attract, don't they? Malcolm!

And yin and yang. I mean, strictly speaking, they're complementary, aren't

They go together, don't they?

And so do yin and tonic, which is just what you need.

Yeah, just a little one.

And no more schoolboy physics.

And Chinese philosophy.

Stop it.

I've got a bottle.

What do you think, Ruthie?

Middle one?

Do you think so?

Goes with your eyes.

Does it?

We'll have to try and get to bed earlier.

I wish they'd bring back ten o 'clock closing.

Is the little one OK?

She's looking after our Gerald.

Oh, I hope he doesn't go teaching her any of those rude sea shanties.

He's not going to join the Navy, you know, Mother. Look, you can't say that,

Brenda. Youngster's changed. Look at you.

Who'd have thought one day you'd become a shorthand typist in an insurance

office? That's all, Pam.

Don't you want to travel?

Who's joking?

Brenda. What? Cheer up.

Brenda. Come here.

Come here and sit down.

So?

He's getting married, love.

What are you on about?

It's over.

Well, if you're talking about me and that Malcolm Stowell... Look, I know you

think I'm a bit of a nutcase with nothing but a few pounds of strained

between my ears. But I do know a bit about things.

What things?

Living and loving and all that. No, see, I've done it. A lot of it. I mean, I've

made a cock of most of it, but I've still done it.

And I know I talk a lot about you all moving on and finding your own way, but

do care, you know.

Oh, don't worry, Mother, it doesn't show.

Oh, totally.

You see, Brenda, what I want is that you should all be happy.

I love you three as if you were me own.

You are, you know. Yes, well, there you are.

There you are.

And I don't like to see you getting hurt.

I'm not hurt.

You still love him, don't you?

I don't even know if I ever did. Let me give you some advice.

You see, Brenda, it's not like the pictures.

What isn't? Life.

He's getting married and that's the end of it. It's no good you charging off

down to the church like Dustin, what's -his -name, and shouting down from the

balcony. He won't come running out after you so you can both ride off into the

happy ever afters.

No. No, life's not like that.

I suppose not.

Best forget him. Find someone else, someone more on your wavelength.

After all, there's plenty more fish on the beach.

And pebbles in the sea. Right.

Mother. What, love? Will you do me a favour?

Yes, love.

Will you give this to Sarah? I've got to finish my nails. And, mother. What,

love? Thanks.

For what? For talking to me.

Pleasure. After all, what's a mother for?

Gerald, your bottle's ready.

You know, yeah.

.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God and in the

face of this congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy

matrimony, which is an honourable estate.

Malcolm, wilt thou have this woman for thy wedded wife, to live together after

God's ordinance in the holiest state of matrimony?

Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honor, keep her in sickness and in health, and,

forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?

I listen to take thee, Malcolm.

To my wedded husband.

To my wedded husband.

From this day forward. From this day forward.

For better, for worse.

For better, for worse.

Smile. Sorry.

Smile.