Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the blessing should be what you'll need.

Malcolm, she's not here.

Did she not come back last night?

Well, obviously she didn't or he wouldn't be phoning. Shut up!

No, not you, Malcolm. The loathsome, self -centred slug I have the misfortune

live with.

Nobody asked you to stay.

Yes, of course I mean David. How many other slugs do you think I live with?

Because it's been out every night this week and now informs us that it's

golf this afternoon.

I told you on Friday.

Well, maybe she was just fed up.

used, or being neglected, or being taken for granted, or maybe all three.

Women are funny like that.

Oh, bloody ha.

Have you tried to ring Mum?

No, not your mother, Malcolm.

Yes, that'd be very funny.

Hilarious. Shut it, nose!

No, not you. Look, if she calls, I'll let you know. Goodbye, Malcolm.

He doesn't know when he's well off. No, nor did I.

I know what your problem is. My problem is you.

You're unreasonable and bad -tempered because you're pregnant.

And whose fault's that?

Well, if everything else is, it must be mine.

Only so you tell me. Oh, I can vouch for it. It was the one evening you stayed

in.

It's nice to have you home, Brenda.

When did you say you were going? I didn't. I mean, you know me. I don't

past the marmalade ceremony, so it's best we're straight with... I've ladded

these tights each other.

I don't suppose you were very comfortable last night, although it is a

Lloyd's fatigue.

You tell me till I find somewhere else.

Get that for you, Gerald!

Hello?

Oh, hang on.

Hey, Dozie, you here?

Some woolly back?

Then I'm not here.

She says she's not here.

Is that local, then? Who? On the phone, the one who stumped you. He hasn't

stumped me, I've stumped him. That's why he's ringing.

You shouldn't give up so easy.

Just show an interest in car, beer and football, get your breakfast.

And try not to sound too intelligent.

No, thanks.

Six was enough.

I've aired your bed.

Mother, I'm not staying. I just called to pick up the last of Peggy's stuff.

Malcolm, your workshop is just round the corner.

Oh, is it? That's a relief. I knew I'd put it down somewhere.

There's something else you've picked up living over there.

What is?

Facetiousness. Come back to Mel's and you'll soon stop all that sort of silly

talk.

Well, there's no point in you living that side.

Now you split with a funny one.

We haven't split up. It's just a hiccup. Anyway, she's not funny.

She thinks she is.

I'll make you some fresh coffee.

Hello?

Brenda?

Brenda, I know it's you.

Look, can't we talk?

What's the problem? Is it because I had lunch with somebody?

Look, I did explain. I mean, you know I'm not having an eternal triangle.

Or is it that you feel used and neglected and taken for granted? Because

not fair. And I don't even play golf.

Brenda, answer me.

Because, I mean, well, that was just for the business.

Hello? Brenda, is that it?

Be fair, Brenda. I mean, there's two sides to every triangle.

Brenda?

And your geometry's gone to pot as well.

She's there.

She just won't speak to me.

And you don't know why?

No.

Don't do that in here.

I've nearly finished. Out.

Look, this is my house. Out!

I'm still playing this afternoon.

You OK?

As OK as anyone who has to live with a selfish rat bag.

Good. So, do you think it's to do with yesterday?

No, he's always been a rat bag.

I mean, Brenda, go in.

Maybe. Maybe yesterday was just the last draw.

Oh, you think so?

I've never mentioned anything about the others.

What others?

Draws. Well, what is it that you want?

Well, suggestions on how to handle Brenda.

Try a cattle prodder.

Malcolm, will you kindly tell Dick Head to keep his idiot thoughts to his stupid

self? Well, no, I came to see both of you. I mean, I'd appreciate advice from

either you or David.

He'd be no help unless you want to know how to screw up a relationship forever.

Well, no, that's not really... Malcolm, will you tell Mother Teresa that she's

the last one in the world to talk about screwing up a relationship?

as she demonstrates the art of being unreasonable, irrational and illogical

every time she puts her mouth in gear.

I think that's what she heard. Will you tell the slug that if he doesn't shut

up, I'll put his gear in his mouth?

Hey, er... I think you had a row.

Sorry.

But does it show?

Well, no, I mean, I didn't mean... Well, it's just it's none of my... So what do

you think I should do?

Oh, she's probably right.

What, you are a dickhead?

No.

I'm not the best to give this sort of advice.

Oh, but you are. I mean, you're outside, and you know both of us. Inside,

outside, so to speak.

I mean, I think of you as a best friend, and I respect your opinions in one

respect. You haven't become respectably married, eventually.

Paul, I could suggest that you...

You go there. I go there.

You put your cards on the table. On the table. And say, is there any future for

you? Future for you. For you. For me, you're right. And after a straight yes

no. Yes or no, Brenda. And if the answer's no, then call it a day. A day.

mean, it's useless chasing after somebody who's so completely

I did, and look where it got me.

It's hopeless.

All this hysteria over a little game of golf.

I want you to think you're not welcome. What time do you make it?

It's just that, like any mother, oh, nearly quarter past, I like to think of

children as having a good time somewhere else.

I mean, Tom's gone, God bless her, and Gerald's going soon, aren't you? No.

Because he wants you to join the Navy.

No, I don't. Oh,

look, I've lathered me tight.

Has anyone seen me glasses?

Oh, far.

Oh, answer that door with one of you.

And if it's done your call club, tell her I've already left.

I'm proud of copying for her bus fare every week.

And ask her to get four books of cards for me if she gets there first. And does

she want me to do the same?

Yeah.

Oh, er, is Brenda there? Who is there?

Malcolm. I thought so. Come in.

What do you want?

To talk.

Out.

Want to watch?

Topics.

Your brother? No, I've pet kangaroo.

So?

Look, I don't know why you shut off yesterday.

You don't? I thought we were moving in one direction and one day could be two,

so to speak.

I mean, I know you've said in the past you don't want to be one, but that was

the past. So what I need now is a straight yes or no.

You haven't met me mother, have you?

Change the subject. I mean, I think it's time we showed our cards out in the

open and put our hands on the table.

David. No, no, I mean, not David, I said it. You've talked to David.

No, I haven't, no.

Well, not just David, Pam as well.

Pamela, why don't you get everyone in?

Come on.

Out!

I had to talk to somebody.

Why not to me?

Well, because you wouldn't answer.

Well, that's beside the point.

I didn't know what to do. I'd thought of marriage guidance, but we're not.

And I don't think you can get counselling unless you are.

But Pam and David know about problems and things because they have them and

still are, as a matter of fact. So the council has sent you round here? Are you

from the council?

Well, if you want your poll tax, I'm not paying... till you clean up Williamson

Square. I dropped a bingo card there and picked up 40 cashpoint statements

before I found it.

No, no, no, I came to see Brenda. What's she done? If it's a fine, she's old

enough to pay her own. No, I'm, er, I mean, I was, er, boyfriend.

Oh, well, never mind.

Fancy you going with someone from the council.

I'm not with these now.

Oh,

that's the third pair today. Gerald!

Offer the gentleman a cup of tea. I think we've only got coffee.

Is that your mother?

Probably. She's never shut up long enough for me to ask her.

She's gone a bit, hasn't she?

Weird.

Hey, is that why you never brought me here?

You mean I was ashamed?

Well, no, not exactly.

Well, I was, actually. I didn't want anyone to find out I was going out with

wally like you.

Oh, great, so that's your answer, is it?

I don't know. What was the question?

Is it a date?

Is what a date? That we've called it.

I've done it. I've left him. Oh, he can't. He can't.

You shut it. Oh, it's you, Pam. I can't stop. I'm late already.

You don't have a pencil, do you? I've left him.

Oh, look. The flabby -faced, fat -bellied face -ache I used to share with

All right, then. Tell me about it later.

There's 400 on the first quickie tonight, and Russell Grant says those

are in for a windfall.

Mind, last time he said that, the back door blew off.

I was going back to the council offices. You could give us a lift as far as the

entrance, but we're probably closed by now. I don't know whether we've

finished... See what it's like being stuck with someone who never listens?

Right. Now, if you go along Park Street, I'll point out that raised paving

stone. Someone could break their neck.

And the buses are much better.

The 23 is supposed to be on the half hour, but most times it's never even on

way.

Hey, listen around here. I've just left me husband.

So what do you reckon?

Poor David, rattling round that house like a pea in a bucket.

He must be dead miserable.

He better be.

Does anything for David's punishment be enough? It is for us.

Shut up, Gerald.

If you're hinting that I should go back, you can forget it.

Anyway, why don't you?

Yes, shut up, Gerald.

Listen, Pamela, you knew what you were signing for when you went to the white

frothy. I didn't want any of that, but I got it, didn't I?

dodgy old Edward with more wrinkly square foot than our post office on

day.

That's no reason to give Malcolm the knockback.

Yes, it is, cos I know what he's after.

He's rehearsing for Act One of Married Death.

And now that Peggy's back, what choice have we got? We either stay with them or

we go back to his mother and shut up Gerald.

Never spoke.

So that's the end, is it?

What? Of you and Malcolm?

Yeah, well, maybe.

Oh, look, I just don't want to live in naughty land, that's all.

But you're set up for this. For the bit.

Oh, Brenda, it doesn't have to be there and it doesn't have to be here. Right.

Shut up, Gerald.

Have you talked to him?

Didn't get a chance, did I?

You could at least ring.

Do you know his number?

You're going out?

Yeah, I'm going to get this truck.

Oh, right.

Do you think that might get him back?

I don't want to get him back.

But it's worth a try.

You could try. Blonde fellas like blondes and he is from the council,

Oh, is he?

Now, listen, you two.

I had a good think last night, and I reckon the easiest would be poor as a

would you, Pamela?

For the pair of you to get the flat together like you used to have. Shut up,

Gerald.

Well, I must say, it's good to be back. Back in the bosom of a warm and loving

family. And once you've settled in, our Gerald can join you till he goes in the

Navy. I'm not joining the Navy. You're not the Navy.

Now, I must go where I'll miss my... Did one of you borrow my lipstick?

He did. Is that mine?

Now, by the way, Sarah's awake.

Sarah's awake. Right.

Oh, and there's nothing in for tea tonight, so get something.

But don't bother keeping anything back for me. I'll be late.

It's the ninth anniversary of the assistant managerette's first divorce.

Hi there. Hi.

Busy?

Fairly. Well, very really. You?

Not very really. Or even fairly.

Day off.

Oh. Kettle's on.

I bought you that present.

You shouldn't. I should.

After all, you damaged it doing something for me.

Yeah, well, I don't need.

Look, I patched it.

This one's a bit better.

And more hygiene -y.

Care to try a towel?

Pardon? It's in the car.

Thought we might consumer test it this lunchtime.

If you can spare the time.

Oh, my mum's expected me for lunch.

Ringo. Well, she won't be in till 12.

It's Thursday.

Shampoo and set day.

30 years.

Hang on.

I can leave an outgoing message for her. Because she's bound to ring here if I

don't arrive.

I've got an answering machine now.

Of course you do.

Let me.

Hello,

Mrs Stoneway.

There we are.

Wow. Some botty box.

Just to earn my appreciation, Malcolm, for fixing my car.

So, shall we picnic?

Great.

Hello, Mrs Stoneway.

I'm afraid Malcolm won't be coming for lunch today.

He has another commitment.

Hiya.

Well, thanks for then. Not at all. I always wanted a brother.

You sure?

Positive. It was me who jobbed as coffee.

Come on.

No, all right. There's three of them off, so they sent our own.

What's up for them, then?

Migraine, a nervous breakdown and a hernia. The other two ain't well,

You're not sitting down. You've got somewhere to go.

All right.

I'll pay you fair.

It's a great spot, isn't it?

Lovely.

I came here with Brenda once.

It rained.

You going to stay on it, you aren't?

I don't know.

It's a lot of travelling.

Now she and Bernard are back together, well, I feel a bit like a Blackberry.

Gooseberry.

We did talk about getting our own place.

You and Bernard?

No, no, me and Brenda.

The trouble with Brenda, you never knew what was going to happen. She was

inclined to be a bit, er... Volatile?

No, well, a bit.

Rapid?

No, sometimes.

Unreliable? No, no.

She is reliable.

It's just, well, you can't always... Rely on her.

No,

well, no.

You talk about her a lot.

Oh, sorry.

Doesn't matter.

At the hospital.

I'm trying to forget it.

Oh, sorry.

As from this evening, I go on nights.

Night nurse?

Night sister, actually. Oh, sorry.

Keep apologising, Malcolm.

Brenda used to say that I'm sorry.

Sorry for mentioning her or sorry for saying sorry?

Both.

Mind you, if she was telling me off for saying sorry too much, she'd be much

more sarcastic than doing it again.

Never mind.

How do you think it'll rain?

One day.

Yeah, I suppose it's bound to one day.

In fact, it rained last time I was here, when I... Jacinda.

Thanks for the putty box.

Well, I must say, I think I preferred it long.

No, Sarah. Oh, please watch her, Bren.

Sorry.

Don't know if I've missed my steam iron.

Do what you used to do, spit.

I didn't.

No, darling, Brenda, please.

Sorry. Oh, I'm fed up. This is hopeless.

I'll go.

I wonder who this is.

Oh, there's no one.

Are they for me?

No, me.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I guess he's sorry.

I love you I

love you

I love

you

I couldn't find my key.

Oh.

Get there.

Thank you, Sam.

OK.

OK. You got the keys?

Yeah. I'll phone later, say we found them on the bedroom floor.

Definitely. Did this then?

One sniff of those croissants and she bounced out of this room like a hippo

a trampoline.

And she won't know she paid for them herself until her next visa statement

through.

So?

So, just leave you.

I'm not going anywhere, at least not yet.

What was that?

I never heard anything.

Please come back to me, you're loving Wally back.

Oh, nice try.

What are you saying?

What's happened to my keys? I must have left them at Mum's.

Was it awful there?

Course not.

Thank you, darling.

No. Thank you, darling.

They're beautiful.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, what have you done?

I love you.

were you at lunchtime?

Who's that female on your answering machine?

Oh, Lucinda.

Who's Lucinda when she's at home?

Hello, Mrs. Dunway.

This is Lucinda. Is this to Lucinda Davis?

Oh, which convent is that?

I'm a nurse.

Oh, well, Malcolm didn't warn me. Please, have a seat.

Sorry, I can't stop. I had to get back.

Well, of course. It's late.

Lucinda, help me move. I'll get the rest.

So, you've come home.

Just till I find somewhere.

Well, your room is just where you left it.

Don't bother taking your cases up. I'll go through them tomorrow.

Best wash everything properly.

OK.

Seems a very nice young lady.

She is.

And her.

Well, that's useful.

Will you be seeing her again?

Probably. She's a customer.

Good.

I have to show her these spots on my leg.

Don't like to bother the doctor.

Yes, well, I think I'll be going up.

Good night, Malcolm.

Good night.

Don't be too long.

Yes, very nice.

And much more our type.

Very suitable.

Have I fallen in his spell?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out? So what do I see in him?

Am I dazzled by his style?

Has he made my life worthwhile?

Does he melt me with his smile?

Don't make me laugh.