Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

... ... ...

... ... ... ...

I thought you were someone else.

Who? What?

All right, then, what?

Ah, nobody.

What's for tea?

Whatever you care to make. We're going to off handlers for the evening.

Ah.

So?

So? So what's going on?

Ah, you see, well, I thought you were working.

Well, I had the afternoon off.

Ah. So come on, then. Who was I if I wasn't me?

Marge. Meaning Marge? Malcolm's mother or a dollop of butter substitute.

She came round here yesterday.

Round here? I found you.

Oh, no, no, no. I escaped.

But what did she want?

Oh, yeah, well, I'm not supposed to say.

But you're going to.

Don't tell Malcolm I told her. You haven't yet.

Well, she cleaned up.

She won on the horses.

The house, top to bottom.

Look, Marge might not be my favourite sumo wrestler, but if she cleans up

somewhere, it shows.

I know, but I undid it.

You undid it?

Yeah, I put it all back to normal.

You see, Malcolm thought that you might be annoyed if you found out that his

mother had been round here cleaning.

Annoyed? Now, why would I be annoyed?

So don't tell him I told you.

My mother always told me never to trust a man with black eyes.

Malcolm is a blue.

Yeah, well, just wait.

Come on.

Come on.

I'll tell you, Peggy.

She's having men round.

Brenda? I don't believe it.

Hey, Jack rabbit is out when I got there.

Who did?

I didn't actually see him.

But I think it was Yogi Bear.

Marjorie, love, have you been sampling my Lucozade?

It's the nickname of one of their acquaintances.

Oh, there'll be some simple explanation.

You're too trusting, Peggy. That's your trouble.

If you'd kept that husband of yours on a tight array, he'd not have run off.

Maybe, but our marriage was always a flexible affair.

The trouble is, he's still flexing and I've seized up.

I'll ring.

Now, see who's there.

Oh, Margie, don't. It'll just be a social call.

Well, then she'll know you're being funny. You've never been sociable to her

your life.

That's not fair. I've never been unpleasant.

It's true I think she's a bossy madam, but I've not let it show.

After all, if Her Majesty could be pleasant to Mrs. Thatcher, I could be

Brenda.

much pain.

Hello? Hello? Who's that?

Hello?

It's Matt.

Hello? Did she recognise you? No, I don't think so.

Hello? I know you're there.

Who is that?

Is this a trick question?

My first time.

And who, may I ask, is with you?

Me? Yeah.

The cream had come to the boil. Oh, lovely.

I've got a bit of a cold.

Now, what was it you wanted?

Just confirmation.

Right, I'll send for the bishop.

Goodbye to you.

And to your friends.

All of them.

Goodbye to you and your friends, if you've got any.

Thanks, Brenda.

She didn't answer that phone.

Who did, Yogi Bear?

Heavy cold, indeed.

I shall have to let Malcolm know.

Now, don't do anything rash.

He's got to be told. Now, look, Marjorie, if there is another man in

life and you tell Malcolm, he'll never forgive you. What do you mean?

Bad news.

People always want to shoot the messenger.

Shoot the nature.

But I can't just ignore it.

Well, why don't you have a word with the sister?

Oh, what good will that do?

Well, look, you always said she was the more responsible one.

Why don't you tell her what you suspect?

I don't suspect I know.

Anyway, she'll just cover for her. No, she won't. Take her into your

She'll understand she's a mother herself.

Now, let her find out one way or another.

And if there's anything in it, let her spill the beans.

You needn't be involved.

Oh, seems there's no pleasure left for a mother.

This is the real Malcolm Stonway speaking, not the answering machine.

Hello, Malcolm.

Lucinda, hi.

How are you?

Fine, thanks.

Is that car OK?

Running beautifully, thanks to you.

So what about that lunch?

What lunch?

Well, you wouldn't let me pay, so I said I'd buy you lunch sometime.

Are you around tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

Was that today?

Actually, yes, yes, I was going to pop in for an hour and say I've got such a

lot on, you see.

Fine. So should I call it, say, 12 .30?

12 .30, um... Your fiancée won't mind, will she?

Fiancée? Oh, you mean Brenda?

Oh, no, no, no, we're not, um... Well, we do live under the same... But there's

nothing fixed and tied down in concrete, so to speak.

That's original.

I mean, there's no permanent, um... Well, there's no ring.

Hiya!

There's no need to ring.

Will you just bring the machine round tomorrow?

I'll call you back.

Thanks for calling, then. Bye.

Oh, it's just a customer.

You're early.

Yeah, there was some sort of cock -up on the Northern line and the train was on

time. Oh, that's interesting.

Al? Yeah?

What was that for?

Deceiving me.

What? Your mother was... yesterday.

Oh, oh that.

Sorry. There was going to be a black eye, only I decided you want to take me

bird watching tomorrow and you're going to need to see where you're going.

Tomorrow? It'll have to be the afternoon because I'm working till one.

Oh, so am I.

It's all right then.

We could do with some time together.

I'm sick of playing nanny to that bouncing Bedouin.

Why? So would you if you were stuck with him all day?

No, I thought we'd take some to Pam and David's tonight.

Would you go and get it?

Okay. There's an appliance around the corner.

What are you up to?

Okay.

Yeah.

Rose.

Hello.

Hello. Sorry about that, Luce. It's Brenda.

Yeah, it was. Listen, apparently I've got to go birdwatching tonight.

I just want to cancel. No, I just wondered if we could make it sooner.

Sooner, yeah. I know you need the space.

Brenda? That's right, yes.

Thanks for calling, then. Bye.

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Still, it's all business, eh, Mark?

Well, that's right, yeah.

What's up?

Oh, no money.

Oh, oh, oh, right.

Great. How many bottles?

One. A good one.

Right.

Right.

There,

Mark. Yeah?

If you can't get a load, I'll get a red and a white and we'll mix them up.

Billions, yeah.

know it was me?

I didn't.

Scarlet woman.

Close your eyes.

Sorry about that.

She came back.

Shall we make it to her?

Is what loose?

Were you expecting a call?

Me? No.

You sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Who was it?

Wrong number.

I hope.

See, I meant to redial, but I hit nine.

That's one of me programme numbers.

I can't let Lynch's David buy me a take. I don't think he'd recognise me. Get on

the phone!

Were there any phone calls this afternoon?

No.

Definitely?

Definitely.

Is it loose?

It's not loose.

I don't know.

I think your dad's got a screw loose.

I rang this afternoon, about three.

You were engaged.

Ah.

No phone calls?

All right, there was one.

So? So.

Who was it?

Can't say.

It's a very delicate matter, and this person and I have agreed to say nothing

any other person until I've had a chance to tackle a certain other person about

a certain matter.

And you expect me to believe that?

Yes.

Right.

Obviously, for any relationship to succeed, there must be a foundation of

support and trust.

Hey, doesn't your Uncle Bernard wear one of them? That's a truss.

Anyway, how would I know?

He's not with us, you know.

Who? Uncle Bernard.

Brenda, we're trying to have a serious discussion.

Sorry. I maintain there should be no secrets between man and wife.

Don't you agree, Pamela?

Definitely. Well, no big ones. I'm not just man and wife.

Man and dog.

Any couple.

The woman should not be having men round when the man is out.

Glad to hear it.

What do you mean?

Nothing. Are you getting at me?

No, I think it was getting a bit of cold like that.

Keep an eye on the dishes then, David, yeah? For me? Yeah.

It's not much of a great idea.

One of those days I just wish I could sing club titles on.

The tree.

That's the boss. Somebody did.

Right.

Well, are you behaving yourself over there?

Of course. We have separate rooms and Malcolm always keeps his pyjamas on in

shower.

You know what I mean? Are you being good?

Better ask Malcolm.

Are you seeing others?

Others what?

Men. Oh, you mean those things with hairy arms and trousers?

You're making this very difficult.

Hang on a minute, have you been talking to Megaphone Marge?

We did have a little chat, yeah. And she said... Of course.

Well, you'd better tell her that who or what we entertain in our house is

strictly between Malcolm and me.

Malcolm, no.

Well, of course he does.

He makes us breakfast.

Yeah, you see, I've got this friend, and he had a phone call from another

friend, but, er... They went to arrange an innocent lunch together, you see. But

my friend didn't tell this other friend, who he sort of lives with, because he

thought that she might not understand that he was going for the business.

Is he?

No.

Relations.

I mean, good customer relations.

When are you going? Tomorrow.

Oh, it's not me. Well,

I must say, Malcolm, I'm impressed.

I didn't think your friend had it in him.

I wish he hadn't.

Why are you telling me?

Well, no, you see, I didn't want to get Pam into trouble.

What? No, no, no, no. Look, what happened, you see, was my friend pressed

wrong button.

Yeah? And he got you when he meant to get loose.

Loose? Loose in the wrong button?

Yeah.

No, no, it's my treat. Service is rendered.

We'll go home. Malcolm, no. No, it's all right. Put it away.

You can pay next time.

Oh, sorry, that was a bit presumptuous.

I mean, you may not want to.

I do.

I will.

But what about... Well, you're attached.

Brenda, she won't mind.

It's a bit of business, isn't it?

Of course it is.

Custom relations.

Right.

So will you tell her?

Pardon?

About this lunch.

Well, it's not significant, really, is it?

Well, I wouldn't think, though. No.

It's just that there's someone in that car who seems to know you.

Is that right, my friend?

Me

auntie

Peggy.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't believe that. For one moment.

Goodbye.

Thanks, Albert.

Goodbye, Alice.

See you Wednesday.

Oh, he is a love, is that all, Mr Connolly?

Doesn't drink himself, but he's driven us half way round Cheshire to find us a

new place.

Why so far?

Because we've been barred from all the local ones.

You should be ashamed.

Anyway, don't take your jacket off. We're going out.

Well, there's no point, Marge. They're closed in ten minutes.

We're going to your place.

Oh, not chasing Yogi Bear again.

Things have got to be sorted.

Look, why don't you wait till the sisters add a word?

Oh, I've just spoken to her. She says Malcolm knows.

Oh, well, then it's all right.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. She's lying.

Just covering for her. Now, look, Marge, it's best that young people sort out

their own lives. We shouldn't interfere.

I'm in.

How do you know that your Malcolm isn't seeing somebody else?

Because if he was, he'd tell me.

Anyway, who'd have him?

Going round to Brenda's, I need to have another word with her. Look, Brenda made

it pretty clear last night that she is fed up with people interfering.

She just met Malcolm's mother.

She's had any more of it and she'd be on her bike. Yeah, well, that's typical,

isn't it? She hasn't even got a bike.

Come on, we'll drop Sarah off at Mum's.

Why, for heaven's sake?

Because of the goings -on.

Besides which, if there's to be a row, I want both hands free.

Why are we going?

Because it's not right.

Yeah, but she said Malcolm knows.

That makes it worse. I mean, I'm broad -minded, but... No, you're not.

Of course I am. People who say I'm broad -minded but never are.

I'm not going to stand here arguing with you.

Look, it's not just that.

You shouldn't interfere because, well, it cuts both ways.

What of?

Well, Malcolm's not so squeaky clean.

What do you mean?

Pamela, he has got someone else.

Malcolm! I wasn't going to tell you. The slimy coat.

I figure it's a case of sauce for the goose.

Well, we're definitely going there now.

Yes, but... Now!

Right.

Hey, Mark.

Over to the left.

A kestrel?

They've all gone. You'll have to have one of me barbecues.

It's gorgeous, isn't it?

You think it's spotted something?

Probably, yeah.

Well, don't get too excited, Mark. You'll come out in a rash.

That's right, yeah.

Hey, look, an osprey!

Where? Driving that Land Rover.

Sorry,

I must be thinking of something else.

Oh, don't let me interrupt you.

They're a noisy lot, them rooks, aren't they?

Do you know they're usually made for life?

Not like those randy migrants who come over here and shackle for the different

mates every year.

Magpies are the same.

You might nick your rhinestone tiara, but you never cheat on the missus.

You think we'd better be going back?

I'm swung.

What? They pay for life.

It's gone a bit cool.

I tell you what, Mal. Next time we come birdwatching, we play a little game.

I'll close my eyes and I'll have to guess whether I'm on my own or not.

Sorry. Come on.

Go.

Brenda? Oh, you do remember me, then?

I had a pub lunch today.

You ran off without paying.

Of course not. No, I paid.

Well, at least, no, I didn't.

Mark, if you ever get taken in for questioning, I bet the police give up

you do. A customer.

I mean, one of my customers. Not a customer in the pub. I suppose she was a

customer in the pub, same as I was.

Anyway, we sat outside.

She?

Yeah, you know, Lucinda.

Well, not as well as you do, apparently.

Go on.

Well, remember, I had a car and I fixed it.

And it was easy, really, and she offered to, you know... But I said it didn't

matter. But she wanted to, so I thought... Well, she thought she'd buy

And I just thought I'd mention it, cos somebody might have seen.

But it was just business, and I thought it was best you knew already.

Are you sure you don't ghostwrite for Geoffrey Archer?

I thought I'd just tell you.

Well, was it worth it?

Quite pleasant.

Was it worth the cost of the job on the car?

Oh, I see.

More or less.

Which? A bit less.

Well, next time, make sure it's more, eh?

All right.

Hey, look. What?

There's that castle again.

Oh, yeah.

Great.

You don't know that anyone else.

I've just washed three cereal bowls.

Well, maybe Malcolm liked to help him.

Well, someone does for sure.

Ah. Oh, that'll be Brenda and Malcolm. They have a key, remember?

Well, maybe it's that handsome young man come to borrow a jar of coffee.

Oh, hello.

They're out, all of them. But we were just passing.

You'd better come in.

You've met my sister.

Hello. Oh, hello.

How are you? Oh, I mustn't grumble.

I do, though.

Now are you, sweetheart.

I hear you'll have to be letting your skirts out in a month or two.

Don't be coarse, Peggy.

So she's... Pregnant, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm not ashamed.

You see?

She's always been like that.

He didn't tell Malcolm the facts of life till he was 26.

And then he didn't believe her.

I'll go.

What do you reckon? Six to four, it's the coffee man, evens it's Yogi Bear.

Sorry, I forgot my key.

I'm David Lynch, Brenda's brother -in -law. Can I help you?

A cup of tea would be nice.

I'm sorry, I don't know who you are. Oh, no, no, that'll be Karen.

Lady of the house is through there, is she? Yes.

Thank you.

Hello,

Brenda.

Oh, I thought I'd recognise the wine.

Oh, you know him?

I'll say.

Oh, my head.

Are you all right?

Do you mind if I sit down?

You may as well. You won't be able to tomorrow.

These three ladies, do I know them? Oh, God, not the amnesia routine again.

Can I have a glass of water, please? Yes, I'll get it.

Are you OK?

Well, I'm not sure.

You see, there was this blow to the head.

You haven't had it yet.

Told you I blew up a rotor.

Yeah, but just promise not to start with me. I promise.

And we stick to it, all three of us, especially him.

Hi, Brent.

What's going on?

Well, we've come to find out.

Bernard, you're right.

Who is this?

He seems to have lost his memory.

Oh, now I get it. Now I know, Yogi Berry.

Now, Peggy, this is serious.

I think we could have a few words. Oh, no, there'll be no tipping off. Just

here. Perhaps we could all have a cup of tea.

I'll have a cup of tea with you, Brent.

There's two sugars for me, please. I think.

On top of the wardrobe in my bedroom, you might just find a half bottle of my

locosy. Well, somebody explain to me what's going on here. There's things to

said. There's some of these things you have... Oh, don't worry about it.

No,

no, no.

It's going to be a long...

Hello Mum.