Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him bright.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does he...

It's in the microwave.

I know.

I didn't know if I could trust you.

Here I am, here you are, showing me your itch. It looks horrible.

Make you taste it.

Is there nothing else?

There was an egg in the fridge, but it didn't have any cooking instructions on

it.

Are you trying to make a point or something?

Me? No.

I have to work late to stay on top of things.

What, every night?

just till I catch up with myself.

Would you mind pouring me a cup of tea, then?

Tea? Yes, please.

This is also my home.

Oh, I've had hell of a day. The phone has just never stopped.

I ordered a new crack case from an AJS weeks ago. They rang this afternoon and

said it was in. I went to get it, and guess what?

It was the wrong one.

Yes.

How did you know? Well, whenever you tell a story, it's always the wrong one.

Whether it's a new crankcase, a new dust cover for your wallet, or a new goalie

for your Subutio.

Oh.

Oh, I see. A bit boring, am I?

No. It's not a bit.

No, I can't eat this.

I at least had a decent lunch today, anyway.

Oh, yeah.

And talking of crankcases, how is your mother?

No need for that, Brenda. I don't insult your mother.

You can if you want.

Yeah, well, I don't want to.

You didn't have a method, have you?

You're the kind of person you can't insult because you never listen. I mean,

I was to say to her, don't drink that tea, it was made two hours ago, she'd

still go ahead and drink it.

It's cold.

A bit like you, really.

I'll bring the coffee through in a moment.

Right. Oh, will you have room for it?

Yeah, I think so.

Good lunch, though, isn't it? Oh, aye.

Oh, she certainly pulls out all the stops when you're here.

Yeah, well, she's always been a good cook.

And Brenda?

Brenda?

Is she a good cook?

Possibly.

I see.

Well, there's still time.

Anyway, they say you can't be good at both.

Both?

Well, cooking and cleaning.

Cleaning? Yeah.

What about neither?

I've got something to show you when we get in.

Oh, great.

You discovered your navel.

It's a picture of me and Sarah.

In the times.

The times?

The first distant times.

Big deal.

Is that why you made me meet you here and co -drive this thing? It's not about

the service idea.

It's the lifting.

He doesn't think it's wise, me being, you know, as I am, in my condition.

Pregnant? Yeah.

He gets very concerned about these things.

Please.

Usually has the afternoon off on a Wednesday anyway, doesn't he? Yes, but

important reason for that.

Oh, but I don't complain.

I mean, I knew what he was.

It's no good going into marriage trying to change people.

As your old Aunt Maggie used to say, if you don't like what you see in the

window, you shouldn't go in the shop.

And she should know.

Why? She married a right dummy.

So what about you, Malcolm?

Oh, I don't know.

But maybe I didn't do enough window shopping.

She'll be asleep for ages now, after all that excitement.

We've got to move over. I'll get in with her in a minute.

Are you sure you can manage those?

Oh, yeah. Save you going in the car again.

How many of you live here?

What do you mean?

Well, you just shop once a year.

Well, you'd be surprised where it all goes.

Would I? But we usually just put it in our mouths. But go on, surprise me. So

it just because you live on fresh air?

Anyway, we entertain a lot. A lot of what?

Locusts. Are you there?

Yes, love.

We're making tea.

In a minute.

Good, I'm dying at first.

Great easy chance.

Let him die.

What was that?

Good eye.

She's been watching neighbours.

I've served her right.

The thing is, you ask, no.

I've got the semis of the match play this afternoon.

It's on my way home. I called in for an hour with the pro.

Does she take lunch in a belted?

He was working on my swing.

Then after I was in the car park, this clown backed his Skoda into my trolley.

I've heard it.

What? The trolley was OK, but the Skoda was a write -off.

It's not in truth.

My trolley is far from OK, and I'm on the first tee in two hours.

Well, you can straighten it, can't you? No, you need a proper tool.

Just like the one you married.

What is she doing here?

You subjected her.

Malcolm!

What? Malcolm's got one. He used it to straighten the axle when we had the

accident with the pram.

Which pram?

What?

Which pram did you have an accident with?

It was ages ago. Which pram?

Did I say pram? I meant shopping trolley. No, you didn't. Yeah, I did.

same as a golf trolley, only the vegetables go in it instead of pulling

When did you have an accident with a... Look, do you want to fix it or not?

If you go round now, he'll do it while you wait, or sooner if he's not busy.

Yeah, well, I suppose I could. Then I could go straight on.

You will be there, won't you? Well, he usually goes to his mum's for lunch, but

he'll be back by 6.

Hold on a sec. This accident...

You mentioned the craft.

So where is it?

What? The paper? Did you pose for it? Or did you catch it unawares with a

telephoto? I don't think I'd like to convey my city.

Oh, the time!

Oh, it's just our little free sheet.

It has a horse show. Oh, for the page.

Say John's face.

Oh, what happened to him?

Nice to see you.

And you.

It was very windy.

Our photograph shows Mrs Pamela Lynch, mother of 11.

Does David know about this?

Next column.

Oh, sorry. Mrs Pamela Lynch, mother of 11 -month -old Sarah Lynch. They are

admiring a display of locally grown produce.

Courgette? Is that a new Whittle swear word?

We didn't go to the greengrocers, did we? I knew there was something. I need

them for today.

Brenda, when you're making stuffed courgettes, the one essentially needed

courgette.

Malcolm. Oh, not again.

I was going to ring him anyway. You need to lift back.

How many?

Two big ones.

But you don't know, I can't hold on him. I mean, I couldn't lift out now. No,

don't bother. Adds a bit of excitement to his life.

Oh, stupid answer phone. He can't be back yet.

Anyway, Pamela, it means he'll have to leave early before the shop shuts.

At least I won't be left here twiddling my thumbs all after... Hang on, here we

go.

It's Brenda.

Now, listen carefully.

When you finish this afternoon, call round to our parents and pick me up.

you got that?

I said, have you got that?

Good. Hold on, I haven't finished yet.

On your way round, call in at the greengrocers.

That's right, the greengrocers.

And pick up some courgettes.

That's right, courgettes.

Two of them.

How many?

Good. And you'd better finish earlier or our pal will shout.

They're going to straighten David's bent fist.

Say bye -bye.

Hi. Hi.

Brenda said you were always back by, too.

I had some parts to collect. Well, I'm after a favour, actually.

Can you straighten a bent axle?

No way.

I mean, that's the job for the experts, isn't it?

A Skoda clobbered it.

Just goes to show, can't believe the ads.

No, not my car.

This.

Oh, right.

Yeah, that's bent.

Can you fix it?

Sure, leave it with me.

Actually, I've got a game in just over an hour. Is there any chance?

I suppose so. What are mates for, eh?

Yeah, true.

What are mates for, eh?

All part of the image, you used to say. Yes, well, if we could... Never got

round to it. Hey, I'll tell you what, though.

If you're ever short of a partner, could you give me a ring? Yes, I'll do that.

I probably wouldn't be much good at first.

Hey, we'd probably lose the first few hours, wouldn't we? Well, we've all got

start. Hey, I did play badminton, though.

Would you want me to hold the other end, or anything? No, no, it's OK. See,

that's the thing about sports, isn't it? If you've got a knife at the ball, you

can turn your hand to almost anything, can't you? Yeah. I don't know about

fishing or motorcycle racing. I have a recurve, might I help, eh?

Well, you see, in my case, it wasn't a ball.

What?

Shut the cock.

What are you doing?

There's a message.

Yeah, well, if you have to, I have to... It might be important.

Two. Right.

So don't just stand there, go and say to David to Benford, say bye -bye.

Bye -bye.

But it's a machine.

Yeah, a very clever machine.

Right, where's that joy?

Hello?

Oh, hello, Malcolm.

Oh, your company.

Hi, Marge.

What were you doing under there to think it was the rentman?

We don't pay rent.

No? Well, I must say, you've got it very nice for a squatter.

How you put up with her, Malcolm, I do not know.

Right, so where is it, then?

Oh, where?

Would you not have a cup of tea first?

Well, you said it was urgent.

Well, it makes a lot of noise.

It swishes stuff round.

And even after ten minutes, it's still lumpy.

Turn that off for me, will you, lovey? She's taking my little zapper off me.

So?

So? Malcolm said you suggested I came round with him.

Oh, that's right, I rang him on the quiet.

I thought we could have a little chat.

Of course.

What about?

Oh, just how you're getting on.

The house, you mean?

Er, yes, the house. It's fine. Good.

Is that it, then?

Well, what about you?

Me? I'm fine as well.

Oh, good.

And Malcolm?

Malcolm?

Can't we talk about something really interesting, like furniture polish?

He is all right, though.

You see as much of him as I do.

Oh, aye. He's round here every lunchtime.

I know.

For his lunch.

It was the best time to eat it.

They're very good lunches.

What are you getting at, Peggy?

Well, it's like this, lovey.

He's a man.

And we both know, well, let's face it, men are not very bright.

Even the bright ones are not very bright.

And Malcolm... About 40 what?

I'd have said 60.

But he's susceptible.

And the them -as -nose is susceptible.

And them -as -nose are not beyond playing on it.

I'm afraid it's a bought one.

Things I couldn't use the... Yeah, it's a clutch mechanism.

You'll be needing a new one of these.

Oh, I see.

You don't happen to have one with you? Is it likely?

Well, you put new clutch things on bikes.

Perkins in town.

Well, they sell them, do they?

Should I give you the money now?

Mother, I've got rather a lot on at the moment.

I see.

All right, we'll pass in that way Monday afternoon.

Oh, good.

So you'll fix it Monday evening? Yes. I'll expect you.

It's very hard for a woman on her own, you know.

Don't I know it.

So, you see what I'm getting at, love?

I suppose so.

Well, they've all got their little weaknesses.

I mean, you take my Bernard.

Somebody already asked.

Now, you see, his problem was he always just had to chase women.

All that's changed is that these days he can't remember why.

Fast asleep.

Good. I know.

Actually, I just called round at Mum's, but she was out.

Did you try next door?

No, why?

Well, that's where she'll be. She'll have seen you coming, nipped out the

and over the fence.

That's true. Well, Gerald told me she did it with me last week.

Yeah, well, that's understandable, but why to me?

Perhaps she didn't want to be accused of favouritism.

She's not like other mothers, is she? No, well, that's a rumour. I wonder

we went wrong.

How are you, Brent?

If you're after help with the shopping, I've got a bad back.

Why? What?

Since I helped you with the shopping. No, this was purely a social visit.

Second best to mums, am I? Yeah. Yeah, well, if you're after feeding, you're

of luck.

Have you nothing in?

There might be a yoghurt in the fridge.

There's some broccoli in the freezer, but it's also got mixed up with a tub of

raspberry ripple.

So bad.

The 15th was last week.

Well, it was sold by the 15th. It doesn't say when you have to eat it by.

some cheesy crackers in the airing cupboard. I dropped the packet in the

What about tonight?

What about it? His meal?

Oh, hey, Pam, we're not into the housey -housey scene.

Not like you and the clockwork banana.

Brenda, come off it. It's only fair that if he's out working all day, the least

you can do is have a meal ready for him when he gets there. This is the second

time in three days I've coughed for a sermon over Malcolm's belly.

Look, for a start, I never know when he's due.

And for a finish, I don't think I should start playing those games because I've

seen what it can do to people.

People not a million miles away from this Hygiena Holloway. Oh, is he?

And you don't mind spending 48 hours a day stuffing courgettes and disposing of

disposables while he's out golfing, gorging and guzzling?

Well, I admit that sometimes I do feel a bit put upon.

But it's got its compensations.

Look what he gave me for my birthday.

Yeah, well, if you'd hold your belly in, no -one will notice.

My car.

Brenda, Malcolm's a good one. You should look after him.

He's a fella, Pamela, not a red... That's what I'm showing across.

You don't do anything all day. Don't rub it in.

Anyway, I'm getting a job. When?

Who? Where?

I don't know, but I'm fed up moping around here all day.

Right, well, until you do, you could at least look after him. OK, I will.

Good. Tonight.

All right, I'll go the chippy.

Come on, big Brenda.

There must be a recipe book around here somewhere. I'll help you choose

something. No.

OK.

Something easy.

Look. Pamela, Malcolm won't have forgotten the last time I took your

recipe. What?

Oh, yeah, you'd just met him. Yeah, and it was almost hello and goodbye and

family flowers only.

Invite him out to the flat, she said. Choose the recipe from me collection,

said. Yeah, well, it would have been fine if you'd read it properly. The word

was apic.

But you're right. So bad you should have been a doctor.

I would have needed to be if you'd gone ahead.

Yeah. I'll never forget his face when I told him we were having chicken and

arpic.

just in time.

Am I?

Well, it won't take me a minute. Are you waiting to use it?

No, not that thing, no.

Here it is.

It's ready.

It's your favourite.

I've just had a big job. Double burger.

And why?

Because you're not fed properly over there. That's why.

Well, that's not true.

Actually, very nice.

Well, I must say, Marjorie, for someone who's lived such a sheltered life, you

do some really amazing things with parsnips.

Yes, well, you'd spend more time at the stove instead of all that gallivanting.

Then Bannister Bernard wouldn't have been so keen to wander.

Bannister Bernard? Not as you call him that before.

Oh, we're reverting.

Sisters living together again.

Takes us back to our youth.

Yeah, but why Bannister? Was he a four -minute miler or something?

Depends who was chasing him.

Bannister was your mother's name for him. When we were young and used to go

to parties, Bernard would always be the first to wind up the stairs. Oh, very

good. I'm sure I wasn't the first to say it. Oh, she was quite witty then, you

know. Oh, a bit of a wild one.

Eat your sweet, Peggy.

Would you have some more, Malcolm?

No, thanks. I must get on.

Brenda rang this afternoon, said I'm not to be late. She must want to go out

this evening or something.

Oh, yeah? Where will you go?

Pictures, I suppose.

This is great.

Oh, well, enjoy yourself.

And remember, as our Marjorie used to say to me, once bitten, remember to put

your polo -neck sweater on before your mam gets in.

You rascal.

Let's have your coke down.

You hungry?

No.

No? No, well, I've... You've what?

I've got a bit of a cold coming. I was taking the edge off my appetite.

Well, this will sharpen it.

Why the... I mean, what's the... Does there have to be a reason?

No, no, no. Of course not, no.

Just that you don't usually... Well, you haven't before.

Well, I have now.

It's not chicken and arctic, is it?

It's duck and domestic.

There's a joke.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

Some more chips if you want them.

No, no, this is... This is fine.

So you're not... I had mine an hour ago.

Oh. Do you want some of this?

No, thanks.

Where have you been?

Work. I rang.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I had to call somewhere on the way home.

Annette. No.

You've eaten already, haven't you?

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, that's great, isn't it?

What? I mean, no, no.

Yes.

Yes.

And there's chocolate pudding. Oh, no.

So you've been getting to your mother's for your tea, have you? No, no, I

haven't, no. I just called there with a spare part for a food process and she

got this big meal ready and she... Made you eat it? No, she was cooking for

Peggy. Don't stop!

Glass of water?

I'll get it.

Thanks. I'll get you sweet, then.

Do you want custard?

Er, please.

Looks good.

I make it a special effort, you know.

Thanks. You're not helping.

I appreciate it.

Home comforts. Right.

Right.

I think I'd better have a shower now.

And then we could go for a walk.

A walk?

Yeah, well, it's a nice night for it, isn't it?

It's not a walk.

I knew that.

Oh, yeah?

Dead romantic?

Only it does take the edge off things when the person you're with can't go ten

yards without belching.

Sorry. My turn to shower and your turn to wash up. Oi, oi, oi, it's always my

turn to wash up. How is it? Well, I wish you'd told me before I did the

breakfast things this morning.

Oh, did the breakfast things, did she? Well, who's been eating the cornflakes

then? The cat?

Oh, we haven't got a cat, so there.

See, that's my problem.

Always give in.

People get to know and take advantage.

That's the trouble with being easygoing and willing and helpful.

They just say, oh, get Malcolm, he'll do it.

Fix the trolley, pick up the courgettes.

Just pat him on the head and throw him a fish.

What's up?

Upstairs.

It's him.

Bernard? Bernard's back.

Oh, I wish I'd known before.

Why? We could have had me dinner.

Have I fallen in his spell?

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he else? So what do I see in him?

Am I dazzled by his style?

Has he made my life worthwhile?

Does he melt me with his smile?

Don't make me laugh.

He's a fool.