Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call it right.

There's no one to miss the right. So what do I see in it?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does it...

Oh, good girl. How delicious.

There you go.

I'll go.

There you go.

Come through in the kitchen.

Why are you, Bren, on your way to work when you've just finished?

Oh, is that the time?

How's it going? Business still improving?

Well... Be Sarah, would you? We've got friends coming round for dinner tonight

and I want to get as much done as possible.

Parsley, parsley.

Won't be a tick.

Where do I put my feet?

Pour me a cup of coffee, would you, Brenda?

Ah.

No, Malcolm.

No sugar, thanks.

I take one afternoon a week off every time something goes wrong. Break down in

the tunnel today.

Where's Pam?

I'll answer that, will you? If it's Lawrence, tell him I left ten minutes

Hello?

Oh, Lawrence.

No, I think he's still in bed. Do you want me to...

Take no notice, Lawrence. I was just leaving. Got stuck in the traffic.

Hello, Malcolm.

Yes, you were.

Very funny.

Hi, Malcolm.

No, I was just having a joke with my favourite brother -in -law.

I suppose he hears me only.

I think he's got a dart match.

Well, I've got to be back at four.

There's no point in me coming round to Mel.

Yeah, and a little chat with our fam.

You know, girls talk.

Like you and Peggy.

Thanks.

Hello.

Malcolm.

No, he's the big one. I'm Brenda.

On the phone.

He's going to come round and pick me up tonight.

I did ask you to see if you could hear her.

Go on then, slobber gob.

Bren, we don't call her that anymore.

No. She shouts it out.

In church.

case there is a hell. But St John's is the best around.

What's that mean to you?

Look, if you've come round here to criticise... No, no, I mean you've got

things to think about now.

Right. And a woman in your position, well, you need to go out more, go to

meetings and things.

What was that group you told me about?

Big -chested women.

Greater -chested ladies.

It's just why I have a local business, mate.

I've got it, I know. You need an au pair.

We had one.

You? Look, Bren, it didn't work out. You and David, you're... Don't hit it up.

Well, then, we're holding out.

Sweet. Nearly set.

Look, I'll just keep my job on at the cafe for the evening, and then it won't

bother you. And have an afternoon, I'll look after Sarah, and you can go out

with your big chest with your mates.

David won't agree.

Well, persuade him.

See, if she lived at home, half her money would go on bus fares. So I think

she's angry to move back in with Pamela and David, because they're close enough

to the cafe, and they've got tons of room.

And you?

Well, I'm all right here, handy for the workshop.

Well, I... I know it's nice to be thought of as laid back, but with you

more like laid out.

Now, if you're too easygoing, you'll wake up one of these days to find that

somebody's easygone.

What can I do?

Doesn't like being here. She doesn't want to get married.

There's an alternative.

Oh, find somebody else, you mean? I don't want to do that.

Live together.

She'd do a knot.

Oh,

yeah, I know, definitely. It is my life, yeah, but, well...

Brenda might not want to. Oh, of course she does.

How do you know? I've asked her.

Maggie.

And I'll have a word with your mother.

Please don't say anything.

I'll have the, er, casserole, the canard.

No, I'm not the bird forking, you're... Anything to drink?

Would you bring the wine list?

Oh, we've got the printers at the moment.

Oh, another one. It's dead. It's dead.

Red, 50p. White, 50p. That's 50p, Dad.

I thought it might.

I'll see the red.

You'll see it?

I'll see it before I drink it.

Okay.

Excuse me.

The bottles.

You've got a license at the moment, so we just fell it by the glass. And if

anybody asks, you tell them it's Ribena.

Okay, why?

Attitude. Or whatever else it might remind you of.

Quite.

Good stuff, though. £6 .50.

A bottle?

A three -litre box.

Where is it?

Try that bit.

This should be beef.

It is. And pork, and duck, and lamb. It's not talking to me.

I'll be only charging for the one you ordered.

You've got to be joking.

Pamela, she was only here a fortnight and we were ready to divorce.

But Sarah misses her. They get on so well.

She taught Sarah to spit.

No, she didn't. It's a phase all kids go through. She just started about the

same time Brenda arrived.

And the all -gone routine?

Another way of saying finished eating.

So she turns her plate upside down and puts it on her head.

Both of them.

And if that's her, the answer is definitely no.

Can't be her.

She doesn't finish work till ten.

Hiya, are you finished early?

Hiya. Hello.

Need your phone, Malcolm.

No phone in the cafe?

Yeah.

Typical. Do you know what our last phone bill was?

No, but I guess two days of your income or two months of mine.

That's not the point.

Oh, David, be quiet.

Brennan, are you all right?

No. I decided to stick my head in my mum's oven.

Did it eat? You'd want pain for the gas.

Oh, I agree with you, Marge.

There's nothing worse than youngsters getting wed when they're not ready and

ending in divorce.

Or better, that they have a dummy run first, so to speak.

Peggy, I didn't actually say that.

Of course, if there's kiddies, well, that's a different matter, don't you

No. Yes.

It's better that they live together and find the flaws than get tied up with the

prospect of disaster.

The Summers wouldn't recognise the disaster even when they're living with

Ah, well, I know I shouldn't say this, Marjorie, but that really is your fault.

Mine? Yes.

You see, you're far too good. I mean, you're always here to straighten things

out and clear up the mess.

But wait until they're on their own.

That's when eyes will be opened.

Well, maybe.

But it's not right.

Oh, don't think of it like that, Marge. Just see it as the only way that your

son will ever get to appreciate the services of a good woman.

Pardon?

Well, you, Marjorie...

They'll be back inside a week.

Hiya. Hello.

You been there?

Well, why have you finished so early? What's the matter?

You don't need to live this far from civilisation anymore.

What do you mean?

Well, I was all just solved all my living and working problems with two

words. You're sacked.

Swine. After all that work you did with the new menus and the clean tables... No

crusty bits on the sauce bottle.

What?

What about the number of customers? Must have trebled.

Quadrupled.

Quintupled. More if you knew what the word was.

I think it's got something to do with sex.

Usually I've... Sextapuled. A few faces.

After all you did.

There was no way I could have known.

Known what?

That the two slapheads who came in were from customs and excise.

Oh, poor little love.

Malcolm said she did wonders for that place.

I can imagine.

Yeah, putting a few things together.

Leaving tomorrow.

Oh, dear.

Why?

Well, she needed to be this side for the job. Might as well go home now.

What a shame.

I've got it. Got what?

It'll be best all round.

I mean, they get damp and musty if they're left unoccupied and there's

risk of burglars.

What's she on about?

My house.

As long as you agree to cut the lawns and pay the electric, that's all I ask.

They will see Bernard comes back.

Oh, that's true.

Ah, well, you'd better change the lock. Or better still, see if you can rent a

medium -sized Alsatian. I'll be serious, Peggy. It's as much his house as yours.

No, it's not.

He forfeited his rights when he went off with that choir mistress.

If he does show up, give him one from me with the tuning fork.

Me? Well, whoever opens the door.

Well, I mean, well, I thought... Now, stop! Stop thinking and get going for

mother's sake.

What? Yes, she was only saying.

The sooner you learn to fend for yourself, the sooner you'll realise

of your crumpet has the butter.

Does anyone mind if I say something?

Oh, no. Go ahead, love.

Thanks very much.

Oh, thanks, Fred.

And remember, a gold cap a day keeps the midwife away.

Oh,

I've just phoned the milk depot. They'll deliver from tomorrow.

Thanks. Oh, and the milkman's nice. He's very, very nice.

Do you want to find him, Fred? Yes, I am on, sir.

OK, then.

Right. Hey, have you got your key?

Yeah.

Thanks, Peggy.

What about that lot?

Oh, I'll come back for them tomorrow. They won't all go in the side door.

Don't forget.

Well?

Have a nice, um, nice journey.

Bye then, Marge. And don't worry, I'll take care of him. And who'll take care

you? The milkman.

It's no use me pretending I approve.

I suppose I can't stop you.

And it could have been worse.

Where? Well, you could have been there. From Hamilton.

Flippant to the end.

It's not the end.

We're only going to Liverpool.

Enough said.

Ta -ra, then, Marge. Goodbye, Brenda.

Thanks very much. Bye, love.

Bye, Mum.

Goodbye, Malcolm.

Right. Oh, and you woolen sweaters, you'd better bring them here for me to

Come on.

Get him!

What happened?

Where's Brenda?

At the house.

Have you had her out?

No, she's with the cases.

Well, we decided as I was coming back, I might as well pick the rest up.

But why have you come back?

Didn't fit.

Did I give you the wrong key?

I should have put my glasses on.

Here, have a look. Here we are.

Try this.

Try it? Oh, that'll do it. You sure?

Oh, definitely. The other one's for the garage.

Do you not want a cup of tea?

No, thanks. Bye, then.

Won't last, Marge.

He looks harassed already.

Hello,

mails 1892.

Pardon?

Yes, you hear?

It's for you.

Well, who is it? The police.

Everything all right?

Brilliant.

Embarked off by a pregnant Labrador, held by some fella selling from a

that I was unattached, and finally surrounded and pounced on by three clods

a plod -ass.

Please. Yeah, summoned by the Home Watch.

You do look a bit suspicious.

It's not funny, Stoneway.

And another thing, while I was explaining things, some tomcat decided

suitcase was the edge of his territory.

And what did you tell the police?

Oh, I just gave them your phone number.

And then one of them told his Walkman, and after a bit, the Walkman called back

to say I was legit.

Um, doesn't somebody get carried?

Right, then.

OK. OK.

Yes, you put me down there.

That's cosy.

Nice, isn't it?

Oh, still watching?

Yeah. I had a word with the woman next door after the police left.

What did you tell her?

I just told her that Auntie Peggy was renting this place out for those

polytechnic students.

And the other 23 will be arriving tomorrow.

Brenda, that's no way to start.

It is.

Just think of her relief when she finds out it's just us.

Just us?

Yeah.

Just us.

Perhaps I should ring home and let him know everything's OK.

Home? I mean, me mother and Peggy.

Ring them later.

Those bags are blocking the hall. Maybe I should take them through and unpack.

Later.

Oh. Just relax.

I'll take my shoes off.

Fancy coffee?

All right, I'll make it.

What about the bags?

I'll ring them if you must.

No, I mean the cases.

What now?

All right, we know you're in there. Come on, put your hands up.

Hi.

Hi. Oh, very nice.

Oh, lovely.

We've been for a moment, so we thought we'd look in.

Happy housewarming. It is OK this time, is it? Last time we had to drink it

ourselves.

Um, how did you find her? What rang your mother?

She told us there's been trouble with the law already.

Oh, yeah, neighbours spotted Brenda.

Thought she had evil intentions.

That's all you two got here.

Mum?

Where's Sarah?

Oh, she's at Mum's in a carry car. Being doted on.

Last time I was there, Mum had a really bad cold. You wouldn't want Sarah to

carry... She's fine today.

She's away.

Hey, David, did you know our mum's budgie's a salmonella carrier?

That must have been... See?

Of old age. Take no notice.

Do you have any trouble finding it? Not really.

It was just lying there at the bottom of the cage.

No. Came past the grapes. She got all nostalgic.

I know. Let's all go there tonight.

Yeah. Well, we... We can't. We haven't... Unpacked.

Unpacked.

Right, well, you two unpack... and we'll go out for takeaways.

So what do you want, Indian, Chinese or a pizza?

Um, Chinese, if you promise to go to Hong Kong for it.

Oh, thank you.

I can't remember the time you put my name down for the arm wrestling

competition.

Nobody thought you'd even make it through the first round. Never mind, get

the final.

She didn't win.

How? It was only against... to you, Dennis.

All right, then.

What, him?

You should have taken him.

Do what you did. Suddenly decided it wasn't ladylike.

It's not you, you know.

All these coffee mornings and Laura Ashley oven gloves.

What a time to go all pretentious.

Good dive, did she? Yeah.

The first time I realised those bulging biceps secretly longed for the bondage

of a twin set and pail. Hey, I didn't throw it. It's ring cut into me hand.

Annie only put it on for the final. And after... In other words, Pam got a bit

physical with the organiser when he tried to make out there was no runners

prize. And he still haven't found his other ear. Hey, now, don't look so

serious. Pam, we'd have been found from here for life if I hadn't told Harold

you were Japanese and that fellow had tried to invoke your ancestors.

She made the last bit up.

Is that how the people -watching started? Yeah, we got bored of looking

likes of Harold and Cedric, so we gave them interesting backgrounds.

Harold was a mad scientist who discovered the secret of turning beer

without the use of a human kidney.

His claim to fame was that when he got in the bath, the water got out.

Does he still come in here? Not so much these days. Not now he's married. Right,

so who's for another?

Ah, not me. I'm driving. No, thanks.

I think you'd best be getting back, eh? Oh, of course. There's still the

champers, isn't there? She's got a taste for it.

Look, I'll get some nuts and crisps. You go on. OK. Don't wait to wait for you.

Go on. All right.

Good night. Good night.

Good night. Thank you.

Walk right, sir.

Oh, yes. All right.

Cedric!

Well, this is cosy. Do you know, I never thought I'd see the day, Brenda, after

all you've said about middle -class to baby.

All right, all right.

See, they've got a freezer out the back.

Empty. Not for long, though, are they?

No. You'll be used to stash the body of a freshly strangled sister who goes on

too much.

Just like old times.

Here, pass us that bottle.

Hey, that might be your mother.

728... Yes, yes, she's here.

Oh, hello. Hang on a minute.

Hello?

Is everything OK?

Is she?

OK, we'll be there in 20 minutes. Bye, Mum.

Sarah?

We'll have to go. Oh, no, must you?

Sorry,

folks. You'll have to carry on without us. Oh, shame.

Well, bye, then.

happen, can he?

No.

Unless... No.

Unless what?

Unless Uncle Bernard reappears.

Don't joke.

I haven't seen Pam like that for a long while.

Booze, isn't he?

Once you get the taste for it, she has a maternal instinct of an egg -bound

cuckoo.

Lucky for us, Sarah woke.

Hope she's OK.

Oh, she's fine.

How do you know?

You and your mother from the grapes. What did you say?

I told her an elder was looking thirsty.

She understood.

Nice one.

So?

So?

Just us.

Just us?

Right. Oh, well, you'd better come in, then.

Oh, Brenda, you'll never guess who.

Oh, Uncle Bernard.

Right. No, we're dated.

Well?

Well, what?

Where is he?

Where's who?

Uncle Bernard.

You swine!

It's a friend of Peggy. She was just passing a sort of light on.

There was a time, Stoneway, when you wouldn't have dreamt of working a

snidey trick like that.

I know.

Then I met you.

Right.

Right.

Have I fallen...

Does he drown me in Chanel?

Is he vibrant?

Is he out?

So what do I see in him?