Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call it right.

There's no one Mr.

Right. So what do I say now?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does it...

Yes, I do know. I like her. And she'll come round.

She's not unconscious.

Your mother.

She's not too partial to Brenda, is she?

Ah, but don't worry. People change.

Especially when there's little ones running around.

Little what?

Toddlers.

You know, Marjorie must wonder if she's ever going to be a granny.

Hold on, hold on. Me and Brenda are just friends.

Well, a bit more than that.

But we're not, um...

And we're not planning to.

At least it's not been mentioned by either.

I'm not saying it's never actually crossed my mind that I might at some

You see, we never actually discussed together what might possibly happen

in the future.

Oh, very wise.

Oh, there's no knowing it.

I mean, tomorrow.

this bit of Wirral might snap off and go floating out to the Irish Sea.

I wonder how long it'll be before anybody notices.

What I'm trying to say is, what is this?

Coffee. Just coffee.

I'm afraid so, but if you'd like a drop of vodka in it, we could call it your

flight. You get me a little bit.

Right. As long as you don't do the same for Brenda.

Stop that.

Probably me and Brenda don't intend to...

So don't you go say anything that might embarrass her, us, me, or upset me

mother. Oh, Malcolm, what a thing to say. Now, one guy, can you think of just

one instance where I've ever embarrassed you?

No, not one. I think of hundreds.

What if the choirmistress throws

him out?

Pardon? Burn it.

Just say he goes home, I will peg him out.

You ring here, they'll spend the next two hours apologising. At least that's

what happened last time.

Oh, what do you mean? There's nothing running off like that.

I mean, at his age, you'd think he'd be happy with an ogler page three and a cup

of hot cocoa.

Men, they're the same at any age.

Peggy's taken it OK, though, hasn't she?

I mean, if any fella did that to me, I'd separate him from his breath.

Yes, well...

They had what was then called an open marriage. Now she's paying the price.

Those magazines were on the landing.

I was tidying my room out. Not before time.

Oh, I'll just sit here a moment.

Get me breath.

Right.

Oh, shit.

Well, haven't you forgotten something?

No, she's in the kitchen.

Cheshire life.

Forgot. Hey,

did you get that wine?

Yeah, it's in the fridge. £2 .50 and a smashing pitcher on the label. You'd

better get ready.

Right.

Well, you said better get ready.

We've got to go to our parents to babysit. She's going to a wedding.

It'll be eating there?

Yeah. Oh, you didn't tell me. I've a lovely meal planned here.

Sorry. Oh, sorry.

That pink stuff in the fridge.

Oh, it was only the starters.

A savoury shrimp.

Go easy, Marge. You're not at all yourself.

Of course, we did consider going for an upright, but then David said there are

certain advantages in having a chair.

Well, it's somewhere to keep your lungs, isn't it?

It's a storage space, you see, so you can put in large items.

Well, you'll never guess what we got for it yesterday.

Half a pig.

What's yours?

A friend in the wholesale meat trade.

Yeah, well, you see, couldn't make enough.

Are you going to be going? Yeah, about ten minutes.

Oh, come upstairs, Bren. I want to show you my new bedroom curtains.

They're a liberty print, got the peachy beige with just a hint of... It's the

wreath to compliment the carpet.

Oh, no, not the carpet.

I did think of going for a wreath one, but they had them in a six -inch pencil,

so you can leave, you know, really rough pencil.

Well, you did always have a weakness for the name.

Receptions at the Royal Cheshire.

Oh, very smart.

Oh, you know it?

Yeah.

Went there for dinner once. Her birthday.

Brenda? Yeah.

Good heavens.

Sounds very posh, do. Oh, it is. The works, coaching pair, morning suits.

That's the women, isn't it?

It's only morning since, no.

No, I mean, they like a good show.

I mean, I'd prefer something quieter, more like yours at a registry office.

But I suppose if you hadn't had to rush things, Pamela would have preferred

something better. Yeah, probably.

I mean, if she hadn't been... Yes, all right.

Because she was pregnant, wasn't she? Yes, all right.

What about Brenda?

Brenda? No, she's not.

Does she want a big do?

Oh, no.

Well, I don't know.

Well, I've never thought. Well, perhaps you should.

Yeah. No.

Maybe. Well, that just about covers all the options.

Can you keep a secret?

Yeah, sure.

No one said I'd never thought.

Not true.

You have thought?

Yeah. But you haven't done anything?

No. But you're going to?

Yeah. Soon? Yeah.

What, tonight?

Yeah.

Good luck.

Thanks.

Uh, David.

How do you?

I don't mean, how do you? Oh, no, no. I mean, how do you get to it? To ask him?

To say him?

I mean, you're sort of an expert, having been through it twice, or more even.

Twice.

Yeah, and you scored both. Been accepted.

Well, it helps with the right atmosphere.

Sweet lights, soft music.

Soft music.

Then you just go for it.

What, just like that?

Yeah. Well, try it now.

Now? Yeah, say it.

All right.

Will you marry me?

Not in the strength of that, no.

It's down to corny. You're just under -rehearsed. Yeah, you're right. I'll

it and practise a bit. No, no, no. You'll be OK with the right atmosphere.

And with any luck, she'll say no.

Let's have some music. I don't want to deceive the founder's brain.

Hold on, why not?

Brenda? What?

Can we talk?

Well, I can. You just think of the words and open your mouth and say it.

For breakfast.

Best meal of the day, I always think.

Do you know, Mark, as a DJ, you make a really good window cleaner.

Let's be serious.

Do you want to borrow some money?

No, I just want to... What, now?

Yeah. What about?

Us.

What, me and you?

Yeah.

OK.

Well?

Nice beer, isn't it?

What?

so feral here on this air. What?

What's nice?

Well, we're together, both of us.

Well, couldn't we just one of us, could we? No.

You wanted a talk?

Do you want another glass of wine?

No.

Mark? Yeah? Is that it?

What? Can we have the telly on again?

Brenda, listen.

What I want to say is, well, I've been thinking and other people have been

saying or assuming that...

Well, by now, with us having been off and on for quite a while now, well,

on lately, sometime shortly, soon, in the future, well, perhaps we might.

I mean, if you feel willing and ready and want to.

Well, perhaps we could... We should... I don't mind about the size. That's

entirely up to you.

What is...? Whether you want a big one or not.

No, but if you're going to go, you'd better hurry up because that pizza place

closes at nine.

Oh, it's late.

Hiya, friend. Has she been awake?

Just for a bit. She's gone off again now.

How was the date? Oh, lovely.

She looked gorgeous.

And her mother cried.

A better dad will, too, when he sees the bill.

All right.

What's the time?

The time we left.

You two had a good time, then?

Incredible. Sorry about Sarah. Did she interrupt things?

What things?

Things. Everything OK, then, Malcolm?

OK. Was it all right on the night?

What? Oh, come on! Do I...

Big feet. Sorry?

Oh, sorry.

Nerve give out, did it?

What's going on?

I think I'd better make the coffee.

Take no notes of him. He's had too much to drink. He always does when it's my

turn to drive.

Anyone ring?

He knew, didn't he? He knew before I did.

So what?

Oh, come on, Brenda, get huffy.

And she did.

I only mentioned it to David.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm surprised you didn't have a chat with a few other people.

Like Harold and Cedric from The Grapes or maybe your Auntie Peggy?

He did, did you?

Well, what does it matter? You should be celebrating.

Celebrating's right.

Oh, right, so let's celebrate.

She said no.

Oh, well done.

Lunch will be for another ten minutes.

Right.

I wish somebody had closed the zip on that one's

mouth.

Shall I switch it off? What?

Oh, all right.

I think he's feeling a little... You OK?

Fine. You sure?

Yes. You've had a row, haven't you?

Let me just tell you that. Breakfast. You didn't even look at each other.

Oh, there's one too many living here, ain't there?

Probably.

Maybe I should go into a home.

Don't be soft. You're not the one who's too many.

Well, it's not right you sleeping down here anyway.

Of course, if you was wed, there'd be no problem.

We're not getting married.

No, no. Well, there's a lot feels that way these days, aren't there?

And anyway, why should you just to satisfy the likes of old Niffy in there?

I asked her and she said no. Oh, well, I'm not surprised.

She's one of them, isn't she?

Who's one of what?

Your mother. Them has claimed to be the silent majority.

Only the truth is there's not so many and they're damn noisy.

I asked Brenda.

Oh, she's a red.

Yeah. I thought I was joking. But I don't do as you should know that.

No. No, that's true, Malcolm.

Joking is not something you'll be remembered for.

Well, then she got annoyed because I spoke to David first.

Oh, well, it'll blow over. Take her out tonight.

She's working.

You two can go to the table now.

Oh, but she's off this afternoon, is she? Yeah.

Oh, perhaps she'll take me out.

Hey, now, don't you say anything to her. Of course not.

Come along.

Oh, all right.

Oh, I wonder what exotic delicacy Mrs.

Beaton's tempting us with this lunchtime.

Boiled paddock.

Oh, that'll not do much for your love life. Shush.

Cheesecake, that's what you want.

What are you mithering about? I was talking to Malcolm.

Blackcurrant cheesecake.

My husband reckoned he found it in Aphrodisiac.

Your husband found tap water in Aphrodisiac?

Can we talk about something else? Of course.

So, Brenda's working this morning and this evening, then?

Yeah, a sort of a split duty.

Oh.

Oh, that reminds me of you, Marge. Do you remember when you were a lass and

did the split?

No, even when she was young, Marge never had much sense of humour.

And then she got married and moved down to live in Plough. That finished it off

altogether.

And you reckon he's like her, do you?

Oh, a bit.

Not too much.

Or I'd not be trying to mend the pair of you.

Well, maybe I shouldn't have laughed.

But, well, I don't want to. Get word.

It just seems so final, doesn't it?

Aye. Well, you're still only a lass.

Mind, you must love him.

Must I? Oh, yes, I should not foot up with him.

If you say so.

But as men go, you could do a lot worse.

It's best to have one that you can mould, you see.

I slipped up there. I took up with a fellow who was just like me, and it's

tutored us to have the marriage bonds made of elastic.

Trouble is now, my end's perished, and he's still twanging away.

I don't know. What was he like, really, though?

Oh, well, just like the rest of my spores.

Vain, selfish, randy, childish, just a man.

Well, he'd been house -trained. Right.

So... So?

So what are you going to do?

Well, I'm going to push you back.

Oh, when we go back, do you think we can go to the top road? I want to buy a

packet of mints.

OK. Well, they do say that a rolled -up newspaper and a stern voice is all

that's necessary to house -train them.

It can wait till Monday. Now.

Don't know who's the blooming boss round here.

Hiya. Hi.

Busy? Not since we closed.

I mean this evening.

Yeah, it's been non -stop.

Do you want a cup of rum house before we go?

OK.

Where is he?

He's in the back. I've persuaded him to change the chip flat.

Really? It's done well for the last two years.

Bit like us.

Thought we might have to walk.

Walk? Oh, tonight? Well, it's only a couple of... Why did you pay that?

Breakfast.

I suppose we were a bit edgy.

Yeah.

My fault.

No, look.

I shouldn't have told David before I asked you.

It was just seeing them on their own got me to thinking that, well, maybe that

could be us.

But I know now what I should have done. I had a long think on the way here.

Well, that's just what frightens me.

What, me thinking?

No.

Seeing them with a triple sink, leaded lights in the cocktail cabinet and half

pig in the freezer.

I wonder what happened to the other half.

I'm waiting for them.

Well, anyway, I know now what was wrong.

You do?

Soft lights and sweet music.

It's not really you, is it? Not Brenda?

Isn't it?

No. Well, you're not into all that.

Somewhere like this would have been more appropriate, more suitable.

Oh, you mean somewhere more seedy?

Right, you see, when I really started to think about it... No, let me finish,

you see. I shouldn't have asked you there. I should have asked you in the

or on the back seat of a bus or... Stop.

Pardon? Stop. Stop what? Stop thinking.

Why? Well, if you go on much longer, you won't be able to drive me home or even

walk me to the door because, you see, you'll have two broken legs.

Yes, but that's what I went to tell you, you see, because, I mean, when I went

for this walk to do this thinking, I got sort of carried away.

You'll need to be. And then I looked at me watching it. Listen, it wasn't

because of where you'd asked me.

You could have asked me on the back seat of a bin lorry.

Do they have back seats in bin lorries? Oh, shut up.

It's just that I don't want to.

Oh?

I'm sorry.

Yeah, but that's got nothing to do with it.

I thought you and me... I thought we... Well, I know I do, and I thought you did

as well.

I do, I think.

You think?

I mean, I think I do, if what we're talking about is what I think we're

about. It is.

Right.

You see, Malc, it's nothing to do with you.

It's me.

I'm just not ready for it.

And seeing our Pam swanning around a fitted kitchen with a long -handled walk

and a non -stick mushroom slicer just makes me want to go.

See?

So you don't want to go? No.

Come on, let's go.

Yeah, but this is what I've been trying to tell you, see, cos, well, when I went

for this walk this evening to do this thinking, I lost track of the time and I

sort of realised that I was just sort of round the corner.

So where's the bike source of?

At home.

Nice night, though. I'm knackered.

Bus? That one's gone.

It's only a couple of miles.

Taxi? You have to wear ages this time of night.

Right.

Where are you going with that?

I'll bring it back on Monday.

You'd better leave a deposit.

Oh, all right, then.

You can't possibly be comfortable like this.

Get a tip.

All right.

I can walk the rest.

Oh,

do you remember them dancers at Burtonwood?

Oh. Eh, those two Americans.

What were they called?

Dwight and Bud.

That's right.

Anyway, mine was the tallest.

From Long Beach or Long Island. Well, Long something.

What's the difference?

About 3 ,000 miles.

Oh, I know you two.

What have you been up to?

Not the same. We've been reminiscing. Have a crisp.

Did you know that your mother was a jitterbug queen? Oh, get off. She was.

She was the best jitterbugger in Charlotte.

Have you left it, Eddie? We've just had one glass of cream sherry each.

That's all?

And a few glasses of that new look of Zade.

New look of Zade? Oh, yes, yes, your mother noticed that it's got a slightly

different taste these days.

Has it now?

Yes, well, try some.

No, thanks.

I will.

Hey, Brenda.

Yes? Oh, nothing.

Oh, we've been on the stage, you know, the pair of us.

Oh, she was great.

What? Give her another foot, she'd have been a bluebell girl.

They all had three legs.

You haven't told me about all this. Did she exaggerate? I do not.

She could do six backflips on a roll.

Could she?

Yeah. There was not much call for it in Gilbert and Sullivan.

Hey, Bud, what about that record you were going to dig out?

Oh, should I? Yes, go on.

On top of the wardrobe, I think.

Would you give us a hand?

Is everything

all right?

Yes, fine.

What's in this?

Well, look at this.

And? And a drop of something beginning with V.

Oh,

can you picture us?

You can't say time.

I remember it.

Dress materials were still in short supply.

And we ended up in them silver things made out of barrage balloons. I

always remember you saying, Marge, they went up at night just as

easy.

I never did. That was you.

Yes, well, I think that's enough now. I'll make some supper.

Do you want a handle?

No, love. You've been working all day.

This bit's lovely. Do you remember the big finish? Oh, go on, have a go,

Marjorie.

Very nice, really.

On to your race.

Better not.

This hadn't casualty to avoid any sudden jolts.

What about Bright and Dud would say if they could see us now?