Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I say in it?

But then I'm not the right deal. I'm not gentle or

genteel. So the question should be what does it...

Oh.

Thought you might have had a lie -in.

I have a few jobs I must finish off. Oh, this Sunday?

Well, the things I should have done yesterday.

I see.

So it's my fault.

What is? Oh, taking me to London yesterday has ruined your weekend.

I'm sorry, but it was your idea.

I know it was, and I enjoyed it too.

You were very quiet on the way home.

Didn't once take your face out of that magazine.

Was it because I told those young men to put their cigarettes out?

No, it's because of what you said would happen if they didn't.

Yeah. They stopped smoking.

Mother, I just wish you wouldn't involve me. These sort of lies can backfire.

Oh, and I don't think there is a middleweight karate champion of Ashton

Makerfield.

Well, thank you anyway.

It was a lovely birthday present.

We should do it more often.

Yeah, you're only allowed one birthday a year.

Some, as I know, don't even admit to that.

No, I mean, we should, um, we should go out more.

You see some lovely coach trips advertised.

I don't seem to have the time.

Well, then relax.

Your business is doing very well these days.

I always knew you had it in you.

Oh, yes, I remember.

You said I was mad to leave mod shops. I had no talent, no qualifications, and

setting up on my own would be a complete fiasco.

Yes.

You needed encouragement at that stage.

Encouragement?

Now's the time you should be thinking of a house.

There's a lovely new estate the far side of Heswell.

I'm just not ready to settle down.

Well, you mean Mary?

Maybe. Oh, well, that's a long way off.

Could be ages before the right girl comes along.

Hiya, you two.

Morning.

Thanks. What for?

I didn't do anything yet.

Yeah, well, she woke a while ago. I take it you didn't hear?

Sort of.

Sort of? Sort of heard and I thought I saw Pam again, but you beat it to me. I

see.

Irresponsible as ever.

She's probably just tired.

I meant you.

Just get into it.

Even I'm surprised to see me this early.

Coffee. I've just had some.

I meant Sarah.

You've been giving her coffee, have you? You and Pam were due back in. I had to

sober her up.

She'd been on the whiskey, I suppose.

Martini. That pureed broccoli's so boring.

You have to make it taste better with something.

Trouble one.

I left the bottle by a cot and she finished it off.

And Delosio's nose got longer and longer.

OK, so it's pureed tomato, not broccoli?

I hope this compulsive lying isn't hereditary.

No, I got it off my dad.

Hi. Hi, good sleep. Yes, thanks.

And how's my cuddly little sausage?

He's a bit gnarky this morning.

That's fine. I think she's changing.

Come on, Daddy.

You can't have all the fun of putting it in one end without being prepared to

mop it up at the other.

What's so rude?

She is his baby.

As long as you're sure, Pam, that's all that matters.

I want a word with you.

Oh, well, if it's about that donkey backing up into the cactus... It's a

perfectly reasonable explanation.

And as soon as I think of it, I'll let you know.

It's Malcolm.

Was it? I could have sworn it was a donkey.

Does Malcolm know about last night?

Last night?

You and Chris.

I don't think it's any of your business. I happen to like Malcolm.

You're a married woman.

And I do want to see him made to look a fool.

Yeah, well, he likes wearing a banana in his ear.

Brenda. What? What is going on?

I went to a concert with the fella, and afterwards, we said goodnight.

all the time.

And Malcolm knows?

Not yet.

But you're going to tell him?

No.

No? Oh, yeah.

I will tell him.

Oh, I don't know. It's no big deal, is it? Of course it is.

Malcolm's his boss.

Yeah, but he's not mine.

Well, you'll have to tell him.

Why? It was nothing.

Because if you don't and Malcolm finds out, he's going to read a lot more into

it than there really was.

It was nothing, wasn't it? Nothing.

Then tell him. I will.

And tell him nothing.

It was just one little incident, nothing significant, but that you believe in

being frank and honest.

Oh, me?

Yes. Tell the truth.

Yes. You're trying to ruin my reputation.

Hey, thanks for coming in.

It's all right, Mark. I was ready to help out.

Besides, I need the OV.

I blew 30 quid last night on it.

It went on somewhere, did it?

Pardon? Well, after the concert.

Er, yeah.

Did you see Brenda there?

Should I finish off the Norton or start on this one here?

What? Oh, er, the Norton.

How much do I owe you?

Pardon? For Brenda's tickets.

You did get them, didn't you?

Oh, yeah.

I'd have really been in it if you hadn't.

Did you take them round in the afternoon?

Er, eight.

I could only get one, besides my own.

Oh, sweet.

So? So?

So how much?

Oh, it's all right, Mark.

Have it on me.

Don't be ridiculous. It's my peace offering for her.

Why should you pay?

She did go, didn't she? I mean, you did see her, didn't you? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Right. Now, what do we owe you?

Um, 750.

Don't worry, Mr. Longworthy.

We'll pick your machine up for you.

End of the new ferry bypass at the roundabout.

Sorry?

Oh, actually, on the roundabout.

Yeah, well, if you put together as many bits as you can find, we'll... No, no

need for you to worry about that. I'm sure the police will tow their own

vehicles away.

off now then right bye did you get that yeah what's he been

up to this time then he's going to france and decided to practice

negotiations so he's not too serious if he loses his license we're going to lose

a lot of business yeah see ya yeah see you later

Enjoy last night.

Last night?

Chris Paddy did.

You're going down the wrong way.

You could say... Sure you're okay?

I thought...

That I wanted a word.

Well, come to the right fella.

What about?

Erm, that something happened.

What's that?

Well, it's nothing really, but it's probably best you know.

Know what?

What happened.

It's just that, well, if you found out about it, you might think there was more

to it than there was, and there wasn't.

What are you talking about?

I was just being frank and honest.

What about?

About what happened.

So that's that, then. So I was London.

What happened?

In London?

I don't know. I didn't go.

Something happened last night at the concert. We were in trouble.

Had some weird target at them concert.

Did ask Chris to get you two tickets so he could take Sandra or somebody.

But he couldn't.

If he had a bit more decency, he'd have taken care of you himself.

He did?

No.

Didn't say anything.

He didn't get you into trouble, did he?

Of course not. It was just that... What?

Erm, he had his dad's car.

He took me.

Took you?

And brought me back.

Good.

Well, I'd rather not say.

No, I mean, it was good of him.

So, let's hear it.

What, all of it?

All of it.

Not a lot left to do.

At the office now.

Virtually finished.

So she'll be leaving Tuesday?

No, no, no. I'm not going to push her out the minute I'm through.

Why not?

It'd be nasty.

Did she mention the donkey?

She said she didn't touch her. Oh, I see.

And if she said she did?

Then she definitely did.

I'll go.

Come on.

I've forgotten your key, you dirty twit.

She's mad.

What's that?

No, mad.

You packing?

No, Pamela, I'm making a space in the wardrobe for a body. Yours?

You've seen Malcolm, then? Did you explain?

Pamela, let me give you some advice.

time you feel the urge to give me some advice, first brush your teeth with

glue.

What did he say?

He went berserk.

Pessy, small -minded trick of frog's vomit.

And he called me names.

Brenda. Get lost.

Just calm down a minute. What are you doing?

You're not leaving yet.

I'll be back later.

And where do you think you're going?

What? Well, you're not.

Not until you've heard what I've got to say. I'm not.

You're not what?

I'm not going anywhere.

Good. Because I haven't come all this way to be ignored.

I don't understand.

I've been trying to talk... Look, just stop avoiding the issue and listen.

It took a great deal for our Bren to come here and be frank and honest

she's not normally.

And for you to ruin it all by not being understanding means that she won't do it

again and it'll serve you right.

I've tried talking to her. Don't interrupt.

You're acting like a spoiled kid because nothing happened that really mattered.

No more than happens even when people are married.

Sometimes with somebody else if someone's had a few drinks.

So you'd better come to us and straighten things out. No way, I'm not

round there with Brenda in the mood.

What's in the bag?

Magneto, roller bearings, valve springs and some gaskets.

And a bike couldn't go without them?

No. Right.

So when you come to your senses, you can collect them from our house.

You don't understand.

Think about it.

Oh!

It's on the table!

Everything all right?

Yes.

Beethoven was very sensitive to these things, you know.

What things?

Atmosphere. When you came in before, he just took one look, then went straight

through his cat flap and up the silver birch.

Did he dare to suffer?

Tough.

It's not like you to be callous, Malcolm.

Has something or someone upset you?

No.

Oh, I told her you were busy and probably didn't want to be disturbed,

said it was important.

Mmm, nice piece of beef, isn't it?

Then later on her sister came looking for you. She didn't know you were

either. Obviously no communication.

The accent, I suppose.

But do you think at least they'd be able to understand each other?

Do you think we could talk about something else, please?

Of course. I understand.

Oh, I've written others some brochures.

Coach tours of the Cotswolds.

Perhaps you could post it on your way back.

I'm not going back.

Ever? This afternoon.

Well, that's very wise. You shouldn't work on a Sunday.

Some people have to.

Only bus drivers.

And entertainment people and those sorts. Not businessmen.

I've told you, Malcolm, it shouldn't be you who's getting his hands mucky.

You should be, um, checking the books.

Making phone calls.

Playing golf on Wednesdays.

I don't play golf.

Oh, then you'll have to learn.

Or snooker.

Snooker? Yes, but always dressed very nicely.

Mother, forget it, will you? I've had just about enough for one day.

You're tired, that's the trouble. You do far too much.

Why not get another young man like Christopher to help you out?

Oh, I want to think on...

Seeing as how you're here this afternoon, could you take a look at the

cleaner? There's a funny smell at the end where the noise comes from.

Lemon sparks keep cinching the carpet.

Oh.

Chin -chin.

So I said to Lawrence, the next round is a cheese and wine. We must insist that

members leave their work at home.

See, John Rogers complained that during the last one he signed up for two lots

of double glazing, a room in his loft, and insurance against woodworm in his

front gate.

John Rogers, doesn't he live... 27.

That's right.

You're all dying gay. Yeah.

Pamela.

What? Give me the key to me case.

Let's just finish these.

Now. Oh, hold on. I think that was Sarah crying. Go and see to her brain. No.

Go and talk to her. See if she'll go off again. Get him to do it. He puts me to

sleep. Now, listen.

It's all right. She's stopped.

I didn't hear anything.

Oh, deaf as well as dumb.

There's no notice. She's in a funny mood. She should be in a funny farm.

Give me me keys back. I want to go home. All right, David. I'll run you to the

station. Let her walk.

He's just got to check the car first.

What? The oil and water and things. They need checking. Why, is the red light

been coming on?

I'll check the car.

Pamela, what's going on?

Nothing.

If you're determined to walk out on your responsibility, who am I to try and

stop you?

so much as a wave to your little niece who'll break her heart crying when she

realises you've gone.

Well, leave a note.

Don't be cruel.

Look, Pamela, you don't need me any more. I was going Tuesday anyway.

And I certainly don't need any more of you or him or the Mel's mackerel.

I'm sick to the back teeth of the lorry with your cheesing and whining and your

double glazing and your stupid doorbells.

What's that?

It's from engine things.

Car's all right? No, it's not. Here, go and put them somewhere.

I can tell them.

You stay there.

Stupid doorbell.

Oh, hi. Come on in.

We heard you the first time, honey. We're at the bath.

Brenda, guess who it is?

Quasimodo.

Oh, hi. Hello. Go away and mend something.

Me? Go.

Right, you two.

You can stop behaving like children and stay after me.

Do you want your keys back and do you want your spares back?

Is that what he came here for?

No, he came here to see you. Now say it.

Hello, Malcolm.

Nearly right. Now sort it out.

What's happening?

Nothing. Come and feed the fish.

We haven't got any fish.

Well, Peggy, I must say, I've had my suspicions for some time.

Well, you must have wondered yourself.

I mean, two in the morning is no time to be getting in from choir practice.

Every afternoon, at his age.

I don't believe it. Not two hours.

I mean, he'd jog a lot of miles in that time.

Look, would you like me to come over later?

Yes, all right.

See, all I can suggest you do is keep measuring the depth of tread on his

training shoes.

Anyway, I'm not staying here any more. They don't need me.

Thought you hated it at your mum's. I do.

Arguments, arguments all the time.

Me and her.

Her and me nan.

Our Sandra and everybody. Everybody and our Gerald. Just knock, knock, knock.

And me nan sits there stuck in her teeth and she keeps poking the fire.

What's wrong with that?

The gas fire.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be. Loads of people have gas fires.

About this morning.

Yeah.

So am I.

And last night.

You'll have to go.

Oh, no, Mark. Don't sack him. It was as much me.

It's not the point. He can't be trusted.

Yeah, well, the other's useless.

Like what?

You can get a concert ticket.

Sorry, it's up to you.

Which key was she on about?

For me case.

She took it?

Put it where no man dare to trespass.

Except perhaps for David after a late night at the Awful Pheasants.

Could spring the lock.

Could I?

What's this about your spade?

Oh, a bag of engine parts. She took it from the workshop.

So you had to come here?

Yeah, well, you only stayed because she had your key.

Blackmail.

Come on.

What? Reach the decision.

Hey, that's the second this year.

I mean, you don't want to stay here and you don't want to go home. So?

Hello? Is that you, Malcolm?

I found an interesting one here.

Takes in Hampton Court and the Wimbledon Tennis Museum.

£21, dinner and tea inclusive, coach leaves at 7 .30.

I thought we might take Auntie Peggy as she's having a rough time with Uncle...

Oh.

Your company.

Brenda's staying.

Where? Here.

You can't just say that. I've just said it. Malcolm, you can't just... Brenda's

staying and it's no use you saying anything.

And if you do and it's that she's not, well, then I'll be going and you'll be

your own. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.

Happy birthday.

Oh.

Did you get me cards?

Yes. Thank you. Thank you. And the presents. Really nice.

Said in the advert that you could have and she's got them.

Have they?

It's a pub on the dock road.

What? It didn't work. Oh.

This isn't going to work. It will if we try, all of us. All right. So we try.

Shall we say one week's probation?

Can't we just pay me fine and go home?

Look, I've got to go out shortly.

Malcolm, you'll have to make up the bed in the guest room.

There's some of your stuff in the wardrobe there.

You'd better move it back into your room now.

I don't want you going in there for it first thing in the morning.

Where are you going? Oh, Peggy, just for a couple of hours.

Trouble? Oh, you could say that.

Another male acting irresponsibly and succumbing to primitive urges.

How does it change?

Oh, while I think on, Malcolm, didn't you used to have a little gadget for

measuring the tread on a tyre?

That was your pan.

I've just seen her going down the park.

She bought these and this.

Was she in an arc?

Well, she said we might have told her we were going.

That's rich after her keeping me hostage all day.

Blackmailing me to go round playing matchmaker.

I thought we'd come back together before we'd had a chance at ten minutes

freedom. Who she thinks she is? Priscilla Black.

Hardly, I didn't get a choice of three.

Well, here we are, then.

You're right, Mark. Here is definitely where we are.

On our own?

Till your mum gets back.

Right.

Who'd have thought, eh?

Lots happened today.

Yeah, Mark.

Lots.

It's not over yet.

What? Today.

You all right, Mark?

I think you're just bragging now you've learnt to tell the time.

Finished unpacking?

Tell me something.

Anything.

How did you open your case?

Ah, well, what I forgot to tell our Pam was the lock didn't work anyway.

Been broke for ages.

What, you were just playing along with her?

Oh, well, then.

What are you doing? I thought they were your spares.

Bit embarrassing, actually.

I mean, I tried to tell her, but, er...

Well, it's not a bag of spares. It's a bag of scrap.

Come here.

I think we might be able to learn a few tips from this, too.

That looks easy enough.

I'm not sure I can do that.