All language subtitles for Watching s04e01 Joking

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the
question should be, what does he...

What are you doing?

Just doing my nails.

Did you have a good sleep?

Oh, I wasn't asleep. I just had my eyes
closed.

Oh, I thought you were.

How is she?

Oh, she's all right. She's a bit
disappointed in you, though. She thought

were going to tell her a story or a few
jokes.

I didn't think my jokes would suit her.

Oh, I think they would. She's nearly
nine months now.

She gave me a lovely smile earlier.

It was probably wind.

She does think you're funny, though. She
says you remind her of Coco.

I suppose I could tell her my joke about
tiger spotting.

There's no need to. She's already
asleep.

You could tell me again, though. I might
find her funny. Now you're dressed for

the part.

Me? No.

That nail varnish stinks a bit, doesn't
it?

It's a new brand. It's called Nose Glow.
Oh, sorry, Rose Glow.

Used for brightening up your
extremities.

Oh, no, what are they doing back? Oh,
yeah, I wanted to watch the news.

Great.

Hi. Hi. Hi, Ellie.

How was she? Who?

Sarah, is she asleep?

Oh, no, Malcolm, you were here for some
reason. Remember that scream we heard

before? Your friend, eh?

Of course she is. Don't go away for now.
I'll just peep in.

Everything all right? Great.

You're back, Ellie. Watch out.

It was the dinner. We didn't stay for
the afterdo. Pam gets anxious.

She doesn't trust us. That's the
trouble.

She must have found out what happened
last time.

And you only dropped her the once.

I shouldn't joke about these things.

Nothing, nothing. You just look a bit
pale. He's just woken up.

I was not asleep.

Sorry. Oh, she's well away.

You all right, Mal?

Yeah, fine. Why, Josh? Nothing. He's
just woken up. I have not.

Sorry. But when you do, give us a shout,
eh?

I think I forgot to mention, provided
the room temperature is above 65, I

put the top window on the second notch.

Ah, well, that wasn't on your list.

At least I don't think so. Let's have a
look.

Er, teeth, sterilising time, cotton buds
for disposal of.

No, not near about windows.

Oh, hang on, is this it?

Before touching the infant, the
babysitter should bath in neat Dettol

dry out the windows.

This is sheer food.

Thinking of getting new garage doors?

Yeah, I sent off for a few details. I
rather fancy the remote control.

The trouble is there's no power out
there.

It's funny.

Lovely.

Brenda. Oh, don't do that. You look
lovely.

You go out leaving one baby and you come
back to three.

Did you enjoy your sleep, Mark? I was
not... He was telling us jokes before,

I dressed him for the part.

No, there were these tigers on the team.
Oh, not now, eh, Mark?

Come on, let's leave these two to play
mummies and daddies.

I can't eat the fourth of double vodka
and lime down my throat, but go easy on

the lime, eh?

I might have just dropped off, just for
a couple of seconds.

Right, thank you.

I like that house.

It's all right.

Lovely spot. So peaceful.

Yeah, it's great.

Good into hibernation.

I'll have half a shanty and a vodka and
lime, please, Earl. Right, that's odd.

Andy got the best of both worlds,
because he'd be in town in half an hour.

I bet he won't. He'll spend the next 50
years fading into the wallpaper.

Depressing, it is.

It should be life after marriage, you
know.

It's just different tastes. They're
happy with the new house and Sarah.

£1 .40.

Here you go.

Three sinks.

What? You need three sinks.

And a middle one full of oil.

Straining vegetables.

Straining them to do what?

Straining vegetables.

Peening into them more like.

Those two used to go out to theatres and
clubs and things.

Do you know, they've only been out twice
since they moved to that place.

Yeah, but it's their choice.

Yeah, well, that's what's so depressing.

Sitting in every night with their fluffy
slippers and cocoa.

Sorry, nothing personal.

What do you mean?

Nothing.

Oh, don't go falling asleep on me. I'm
sorry, I've got too much on at the

moment. You're not kidding.

We don't do much better than the rusting
robots we've just left.

We had a nice afternoon out in Hilbury
Island.

Oh, yeah, looking for a black red star
that had left two months previous.

I picked up an old news sheet.

Last Saturday we went to see a movie
that was so bad you wanted to sue Barry

Norman. I'd misheard him.

Which one were we meant to see, and when
do we see it? It's difficult.

No, it isn't. You pay your money at the
door and they let you sit and watch it.

The thing is, I'm getting plenty of
repair work, but I seem to spend half of

every day queuing up for spares. So I
have to work evenings.

So how long will this go on?

I don't know. I'll think of something.

You'd better get a move on.

I've had enough of staying around.

It certainly makes you appreciate what
life was like in the flat with Pam

she caught marriage.

She'll be able to get vaccinated against
it.

I thought you had been.

How about your Sandra? You'd talk to
moving in with her.

No, it wouldn't have worked.

She's lazy and untidy and disorganised.

Yeah, I suppose you can't have two like
that in one flat, can you?

Well, that's a good one, Mark. I'll cost
you the drink. It wasn't bad, was it? I

was trying to slip into it.

There's a budge in there, old, another
half a shandy.

You want to go easy, you know. This
stuff's having a cleft on you.

Well, you'll have to make your own
supper. I've had mine.

Yes, all right.

Any phone calls?

Only five.

Two, why isn't it ready? Two, I must
have it ready for the weekend.

And an urgent request from Aunty Peggy.

Not wheelchair problem.

I pray so.

Apparently she hid a lamppost when
avoiding the by -product of her

alfation.

She goes too fast, I've told her.

Yes, well, seems the chair's in a bad
way this time.

Thing is, did they recover the black
box?

I see your idea of humour continues its
downward spiral.

Actually, I got Brenda with a good one
this evening.

They're watching this wildlife film on
BBC Two. Or was it Channel Four? Anyway,

it started at half seven.

And I said to her, do you know the best
way to go tiger spotting? Oh, that's

what it was about in India. It's like
bird watching, but with tigers.

I would never have guessed.

She said, no. What is the best way to go
tiger spotting? And I said...

With a friend who can't run.

Good, eh?

Actually, it's not original. I think I
read it somewhere, but I think it was a

crocodile. You go with a crocodile who
can't run?

No, it's a friend who can't run.

Well, that's terrible.

And he'd just be reminded of that
because of Auntie Peggy.

I'm sorry, Malcolm.

I think that was in very poor taste.

It was not funny.

But it doesn't make it for you wearing
that silly nose.

Brenda.

Brilliant.

You just go, and it opens automatically.

Brilliant and beautiful.

Yes, very smart.

And something Lawrence hasn't got.

No, but Kate says they're still trying.

Can you not go to Peggy's this
afternoon, then?

I've got three bikes. I must get shut
off today.

I'll go this evening, if I finish in
time.

Now, if you had a proper business,
there'd be no if about it.

Proper business?

Yes. You should employ people.

Get them to twiddle with the engines and
things.

And you could wear a suit and have clean
fingernails.

Great. The only flaw with that is these
people might decide they want pay now

and again.

Oh, isn't that just you all over? You
give in before you even thought about

To start with, you just get one.

Quiddler. A victim.

The business is healthy, but I don't
make enough to pay a trained mechanic.

Anyway, it's very specialised. Well, get
a boy, an apprentice.

He learns at Nellie's elbow.

Nellie's elbow?

It's an expression.

Who's Nellie?

If you don't want to put it out on the
paper, why not contact the job centre?

Give them details and they'll send
people along.

What, you mean I...

Sort of interview them.

Not sort of.

You interview them.

Trouble is, I wouldn't want to turn
anyone down.

You don't have to. You just say, we'll
let you know.

Then you forget.

Well, I couldn't do that. I think that's
despicable.

I mean, what sort of employer would be
so cruel, so unfeeling, so arrogant as

not even let an applicant know what's
happened?

Yeah, well, we were talking about garage
doors, weren't we?

We had intended to get the 1 .2, but
then we realised for another £70, we

get the 1 .6.

And it has electronic touch control pads
and a multi -sequence cooking facility.

Oh, right, because if you don't cook
them properly, those multi -sequences

awful. And this model can take a 6 .8kg
turkey.

Oh, we'll say no more.

Though, of course, it wouldn't be able
to turn round.

Well, they don't touch when they're
dead.

On the turntable.

But that's not essential, because in
addition, it has a rotating antenna.

Like a turkey.

Oh,

and this is very handy.

A temperature probe.

Wouldn't want to roll a fever in this
house.

Yeah, well, it shouldn't be a problem
getting electricity to your garage,

because your meter cupboard's in the
hall.

Actually, the meter cupboard's on the
inside wall.

Well, it's all right. You can run it
over the door frame, and next time you

decorate, you can channel the plaster
and sink it.

Right, yes, of course. Sink it.

Think what?

The table.

Yeah, of course.

I know you're pretty frantic at the
moment, Malcolm, but do you think you

do a job like that?

Now, you know me, Bren, I just hate
housework. So when David suggested

blinds for the kitchen, I said, no way.

They're just hard to clean.

But then I had to admit, with the
kitchen having a south -west aspect, the

is a problem.

So what did David do?

He had it turned off at the mains.

He bought me.

One of these.

Dirty devil!

Just four blades at a time.

Wow, Mum, come and have a look at this.

Just four blades at a time.

Oh, yeah, I've seen them.

Well, you know what they say. If it
wasn't for Venetian blinds, it'd be

for all of us.

And this is the exhaust gas analyser.

Freaking are a little bit crampy at the
moment, but please don't touch that.

I've got a number of machines that are
waiting on spare parts now, and...

I think we'll start the interviews now,
if that's all right with you.

If you wouldn't mind waiting outside,
I'll call you, see you once at a time,

that's all right.

Here we go.

Yes?

What are you doing here? I'm busy.

You're interviewing.

That's right.

I thought so.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't think you wanted the job.

Don't.

You need someone to help you.

Otherwise there's no knowing who you
might take on. I can manage. I don't

any help. Thank you.

Is that them outside?

Yes. You need help. I do not.

It's better with two.

If I thought I needed a second opinion,
I'd have asked Brenda to sit in.

Her? What use would she be?

She'd spot any dicey ones. She's a very
good judge of character.

Judge of character?

She couldn't spot a lemon in an orange
-sucking competition.

All your life, you've been taken in by
layabouts.

Toby, Missy, it doesn't happen again.
What do you mean?

Look, I won't say anything.

I'll sit here quietly and observe.

Here, you better have that.

Mother... Don't argue.

Come.

If the valve springs are closed together
at one end, that end goes next to the

head. Very good.

Then you give the valve the tap with a
light hammer to ensure the split collet

seat properly.

That's fine.

Just a moment. Tell me, Miss... Mills,
Lyndon.

Quail Street.

Is that council property?

You don't need to answer that.

They're flats.

Thank you.

We'd just like to get a bit of
background.

Well, I think that'll be all for the
moment.

Can I ask a couple of questions?

Certainly. Have the premises been
checked by a factories inspector lately?

What? Well, I don't think we come under
the... Well, as I don't employ any...

Well, if I do, then they will, because
they must.

It's just that I noticed that the fire
extinguishes CO2 and it should be a foam

type, and there's no sign of an asbestos
blanket.

Yes, there have been means... Is that
the dry cleaners?

Shall I send the next one in?

Please.

So, why are the jaws of the spanner at
an angle to the shank?

It's the way they're made.

It's the way they're made.

How would you tighten this nut?

Clockwise.

Yes, I know you'd turn it clockwise. How
would you hold the spanner?

At the end.

There we go.

Yes, if you just wouldn't mind waiting
outside, Mr Cameron.

Is there anything you'd like to ask us?

Well, no, not really.

Except I would like to express my
appreciation for a very fair interview,

Mrs Stoneway.

Well, actually, I'm Mr Stoneway's
mother.

No!

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just that, um, well, you don't look
old enough.

Oh.

What a pleasant young man.

And Cameron's a good Scottish name.

And so what?

Well, they're good engineers, the Scots.

Well, I asked him six questions and he
waffled on all of them. Well, those are

silly questions.

Well, it doesn't matter which way up you
hold a spanner as long as you turn it

the right way.

Well, actually, it matters a great... I
don't know what I'm arguing with you

for. Precisely. Call him back in.

Well, I'll have to tell her first.

Tell her what?

She's got the job.

A girl?

Working here with you?

She was good.

You can't have a girl working here.

Why not?

Oh, because it might upset Brenda, you
mean.

What? I hadn't thought of that.

Still, mustn't discriminate, must we?

So, I went to the door to offer her the
job, and guess what?

She'd gone.

What, she'd gone?

Yeah, she'd gone, that's right.

Had the other fella gone and all?

Yeah, how did you know?

Yeah.

So he was left standing there all on his
own, was he, Mr Cunningham?

Cameron, Chris Cameron.

So you decided you had to offer him the
job?

Yeah, that's right.

Well done, then.

But she was put off by the fire
extinguisher.

I doubt it.

But your mum was pleased, though.

Yeah, she was. She said he can have his
lunch at ours.

Did she just?

What did they look like?

I don't know, just sort of ordinary.

I'll tell you what.

I've got to go to Offham's tomorrow
afternoon.

Here's your 10p back. Thank you.

OK, yeah, I'll call on my way.

Call where?

To yours for lunch.

Oh, right.

OK, thanks for asking.

See, things are better already.

Of course, Hiswell is a very select part
of the Wirral.

Yours must have been at home there, does
she?

Not half.

You'd think she'd been a plastic gnome
all her life.

She polishes the bath plug, makes
rhubarb wine and knits her own curtains.

She doesn't.

She does.

Proper Miss Dolly domestic to you these
days.

No -one would ever believe she used to
drink bitter for Lancashire.

Thank you, Mrs Stoneway. Oh, right.

Enjoy it, did you?

It's delicious.

Just a moussaka, but with a little
elaboration of my own. Yeah, the bit of

privet on top.

Base.

Do you think I could have the recipe for
me mum?

Why, are you going to cook her?

By all means, Christopher.

If she could cook.

Oh, great. Well, you know, she's
professional -like. She does Tuesdays

Fridays at our chippy. Oh, yes?

Well, your parents have a chip shop, do
they?

No. Our chippy, the one near us.

Oh, I see.

Well, what does your father do,
actually?

Well, home improvements, you know,
rewiring, loft insulation, cut -price

security. Well, burglar alarm?

Well, sort of. He sells you this box
full of tarantulas.

And before you go out, you just let them
loose in your hall.

Right.

back? How do you get them back in the
box?

You just call them. They've all got
names. Oh, right.

But he has a trade, though, has he?
Yeah, yeah. He's Sparks.

Sparks? But only if he scratches Flint.

Oh.

So did you work with him, then? Yeah,
when I was a kid. He'd take me on

jobs. To learn at Nellie's elbow.

What, no to crawl under the floorboards?

To chimney sweeping?

You are okay with electrics, though? Oh,
brill.

Only yesterday I fixed me mum's torch.

Yeah, I was thinking the mains electric.

What, you mean plugs and fuses and that?

Yeah, no sweat. Ah, well, perhaps you
can take a look at my twin temperature

croissant warmer.

Malcolm's been promising to fix it for
over a year now.

Yeah, yeah, you could do, but then after
you could go to Brenda's sisters

because they want power in the garage.
Now, you need about eight metres of

and you can pick the drill up from the
workbench. Yeah, yeah, but it depends

where the... No, I'll give you
directions.

Yeah, but I don't... All right, I'll
hang on it till he's done that and I'll

take you.

Great. Right, well, I'll see you later.
About five. See you, Brent.

See you.

Nine foot six.

OK.

Have you ever done anything like this
before?

Of course I have.

Well, similar.

Like what?

I plumbed in my nan's washing machine.

What, successfully?

Half. I got the pumping end bit right.

But just when it pumped out? I flooded
the kitchen.

Two kitchens, actually. She lived in a
flat.

I thought she was asleep.

No, she's been listening.

Yeah.

I'm right.

She says she's never heard such a pile
of rubbish in her life.

Is it true, all of it?

Yeah. I'll tell her.

She said if it is true, you'd better not
go fitting any electric points in the

garage or anywhere else.

Yeah, I suppose she's right.

How old? Nine months.

She's a good talker.

Her dad's a budgie.

What's he going to do?

Well, I think I might only manage to run
the wire through.

Malcolm might turn up just in time to
make the connections.

Sarah says that's very wise.

Oh, she's a bright kid.

Runs in the family.

Her mum could hold an intelligent
conversation when she was nine months.

Only she seems to have lost the knack.
Now she's got married.

Is there anything on the telly?

That's pushing her a bit, isn't it?

Mark did give you the drill and the wire
and all that.

Yeah, but he said to drill from the
garage to avoid making a mess in the

So? Well, there's no PowerPoint in the
garage.

Ah, no, that's clever.

I thought so.

I'll put some dust sheets down in the
hall. Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to

bother. Because there's no need to, is
there? None at all. Because if you look

in the cupboard under the stairs,
there's an extension lead.

Oh, there's not, is there? I'm afraid
so.

Right. Brendan, tell the chief. Yes.

Hi.

How's Farron?

He's all right. He didn't like the
noise, so I put it down the bottom of

garden. In town?

No, under a pallor of leaves.

He's nearly through.

Taking bets will be it, sir.

Oh, he will?

I helped him medley.

Nine foot six from the door, six foot
six up.

What's the steps?

Eh? What's the steps? We're higher
than...

Sister had to say.

Oh, it was all right. Malcolm explained
to her that it was all his fault, so she

just broke his collarbone.

But I healed quickly.

No, it wasn't as bad as all that. David
said he wasn't very keen on that picture

anyway. And our Pam says with the hole
in the wall, she can see what he's up to

when he's in the garage.

And Christopher?

He had to go home early.

Said something about his grandmother's
washing machine.

Yes, well, I'm sure he does his best.

At least he fixed this.

So what do I see in it?