Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. So what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be, what does he...

What are you doing?

Just doing my nails.

Did you have a good sleep?

Oh, I wasn't asleep. I just had my eyes closed.

Oh, I thought you were.

How is she?

Oh, she's all right. She's a bit disappointed in you, though. She thought

were going to tell her a story or a few jokes.

I didn't think my jokes would suit her.

Oh, I think they would. She's nearly nine months now.

She gave me a lovely smile earlier.

It was probably wind.

She does think you're funny, though. She says you remind her of Coco.

I suppose I could tell her my joke about tiger spotting.

There's no need to. She's already asleep.

You could tell me again, though. I might find her funny. Now you're dressed for

the part.

Me? No.

That nail varnish stinks a bit, doesn't it?

It's a new brand. It's called Nose Glow. Oh, sorry, Rose Glow.

Used for brightening up your extremities.

Oh, no, what are they doing back? Oh, yeah, I wanted to watch the news.

Great.

Hi. Hi. Hi, Ellie.

How was she? Who?

Sarah, is she asleep?

Oh, no, Malcolm, you were here for some reason. Remember that scream we heard

before? Your friend, eh?

Of course she is. Don't go away for now. I'll just peep in.

Everything all right? Great.

You're back, Ellie. Watch out.

It was the dinner. We didn't stay for the afterdo. Pam gets anxious.

She doesn't trust us. That's the trouble.

She must have found out what happened last time.

And you only dropped her the once.

I shouldn't joke about these things.

Nothing, nothing. You just look a bit pale. He's just woken up.

I was not asleep.

Sorry. Oh, she's well away.

You all right, Mal?

Yeah, fine. Why, Josh? Nothing. He's just woken up. I have not.

Sorry. But when you do, give us a shout, eh?

I think I forgot to mention, provided the room temperature is above 65, I

put the top window on the second notch.

Ah, well, that wasn't on your list.

At least I don't think so. Let's have a look.

Er, teeth, sterilising time, cotton buds for disposal of.

No, not near about windows.

Oh, hang on, is this it?

Before touching the infant, the babysitter should bath in neat Dettol

dry out the windows.

This is sheer food.

Thinking of getting new garage doors?

Yeah, I sent off for a few details. I rather fancy the remote control.

The trouble is there's no power out there.

It's funny.

Lovely.

Brenda. Oh, don't do that. You look lovely.

You go out leaving one baby and you come back to three.

Did you enjoy your sleep, Mark? I was not... He was telling us jokes before,

I dressed him for the part.

No, there were these tigers on the team. Oh, not now, eh, Mark?

Come on, let's leave these two to play mummies and daddies.

I can't eat the fourth of double vodka and lime down my throat, but go easy on

the lime, eh?

I might have just dropped off, just for a couple of seconds.

Right, thank you.

I like that house.

It's all right.

Lovely spot. So peaceful.

Yeah, it's great.

Good into hibernation.

I'll have half a shanty and a vodka and lime, please, Earl. Right, that's odd.

Andy got the best of both worlds, because he'd be in town in half an hour.

I bet he won't. He'll spend the next 50 years fading into the wallpaper.

Depressing, it is.

It should be life after marriage, you know.

It's just different tastes. They're happy with the new house and Sarah.

£1 .40.

Here you go.

Three sinks.

What? You need three sinks.

And a middle one full of oil.

Straining vegetables.

Straining them to do what?

Straining vegetables.

Peening into them more like.

Those two used to go out to theatres and clubs and things.

Do you know, they've only been out twice since they moved to that place.

Yeah, but it's their choice.

Yeah, well, that's what's so depressing.

Sitting in every night with their fluffy slippers and cocoa.

Sorry, nothing personal.

What do you mean?

Nothing.

Oh, don't go falling asleep on me. I'm sorry, I've got too much on at the

moment. You're not kidding.

We don't do much better than the rusting robots we've just left.

We had a nice afternoon out in Hilbury Island.

Oh, yeah, looking for a black red star that had left two months previous.

I picked up an old news sheet.

Last Saturday we went to see a movie that was so bad you wanted to sue Barry

Norman. I'd misheard him.

Which one were we meant to see, and when do we see it? It's difficult.

No, it isn't. You pay your money at the door and they let you sit and watch it.

The thing is, I'm getting plenty of repair work, but I seem to spend half of

every day queuing up for spares. So I have to work evenings.

So how long will this go on?

I don't know. I'll think of something.

You'd better get a move on.

I've had enough of staying around.

It certainly makes you appreciate what life was like in the flat with Pam

she caught marriage.

She'll be able to get vaccinated against it.

I thought you had been.

How about your Sandra? You'd talk to moving in with her.

No, it wouldn't have worked.

She's lazy and untidy and disorganised.

Yeah, I suppose you can't have two like that in one flat, can you?

Well, that's a good one, Mark. I'll cost you the drink. It wasn't bad, was it? I

was trying to slip into it.

There's a budge in there, old, another half a shandy.

You want to go easy, you know. This stuff's having a cleft on you.

Well, you'll have to make your own supper. I've had mine.

Yes, all right.

Any phone calls?

Only five.

Two, why isn't it ready? Two, I must have it ready for the weekend.

And an urgent request from Aunty Peggy.

Not wheelchair problem.

I pray so.

Apparently she hid a lamppost when avoiding the by -product of her

alfation.

She goes too fast, I've told her.

Yes, well, seems the chair's in a bad way this time.

Thing is, did they recover the black box?

I see your idea of humour continues its downward spiral.

Actually, I got Brenda with a good one this evening.

They're watching this wildlife film on BBC Two. Or was it Channel Four? Anyway,

it started at half seven.

And I said to her, do you know the best way to go tiger spotting? Oh, that's

what it was about in India. It's like bird watching, but with tigers.

I would never have guessed.

She said, no. What is the best way to go tiger spotting? And I said...

With a friend who can't run.

Good, eh?

Actually, it's not original. I think I read it somewhere, but I think it was a

crocodile. You go with a crocodile who can't run?

No, it's a friend who can't run.

Well, that's terrible.

And he'd just be reminded of that because of Auntie Peggy.

I'm sorry, Malcolm.

I think that was in very poor taste.

It was not funny.

But it doesn't make it for you wearing that silly nose.

Brenda.

Brilliant.

You just go, and it opens automatically.

Brilliant and beautiful.

Yes, very smart.

And something Lawrence hasn't got.

No, but Kate says they're still trying.

Can you not go to Peggy's this afternoon, then?

I've got three bikes. I must get shut off today.

I'll go this evening, if I finish in time.

Now, if you had a proper business, there'd be no if about it.

Proper business?

Yes. You should employ people.

Get them to twiddle with the engines and things.

And you could wear a suit and have clean fingernails.

Great. The only flaw with that is these people might decide they want pay now

and again.

Oh, isn't that just you all over? You give in before you even thought about

To start with, you just get one.

Quiddler. A victim.

The business is healthy, but I don't make enough to pay a trained mechanic.

Anyway, it's very specialised. Well, get a boy, an apprentice.

He learns at Nellie's elbow.

Nellie's elbow?

It's an expression.

Who's Nellie?

If you don't want to put it out on the paper, why not contact the job centre?

Give them details and they'll send people along.

What, you mean I...

Sort of interview them.

Not sort of.

You interview them.

Trouble is, I wouldn't want to turn anyone down.

You don't have to. You just say, we'll let you know.

Then you forget.

Well, I couldn't do that. I think that's despicable.

I mean, what sort of employer would be so cruel, so unfeeling, so arrogant as

not even let an applicant know what's happened?

Yeah, well, we were talking about garage doors, weren't we?

We had intended to get the 1 .2, but then we realised for another £70, we

get the 1 .6.

And it has electronic touch control pads and a multi -sequence cooking facility.

Oh, right, because if you don't cook them properly, those multi -sequences

awful. And this model can take a 6 .8kg turkey.

Oh, we'll say no more.

Though, of course, it wouldn't be able to turn round.

Well, they don't touch when they're dead.

On the turntable.

But that's not essential, because in addition, it has a rotating antenna.

Like a turkey.

Oh,

and this is very handy.

A temperature probe.

Wouldn't want to roll a fever in this house.

Yeah, well, it shouldn't be a problem getting electricity to your garage,

because your meter cupboard's in the hall.

Actually, the meter cupboard's on the inside wall.

Well, it's all right. You can run it over the door frame, and next time you

decorate, you can channel the plaster and sink it.

Right, yes, of course. Sink it.

Think what?

The table.

Yeah, of course.

I know you're pretty frantic at the moment, Malcolm, but do you think you

do a job like that?

Now, you know me, Bren, I just hate housework. So when David suggested

blinds for the kitchen, I said, no way.

They're just hard to clean.

But then I had to admit, with the kitchen having a south -west aspect, the

is a problem.

So what did David do?

He had it turned off at the mains.

He bought me.

One of these.

Dirty devil!

Just four blades at a time.

Wow, Mum, come and have a look at this.

Just four blades at a time.

Oh, yeah, I've seen them.

Well, you know what they say. If it wasn't for Venetian blinds, it'd be

for all of us.

And this is the exhaust gas analyser.

Freaking are a little bit crampy at the moment, but please don't touch that.

I've got a number of machines that are waiting on spare parts now, and...

I think we'll start the interviews now, if that's all right with you.

If you wouldn't mind waiting outside, I'll call you, see you once at a time,

that's all right.

Here we go.

Yes?

What are you doing here? I'm busy.

You're interviewing.

That's right.

I thought so.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't think you wanted the job.

Don't.

You need someone to help you.

Otherwise there's no knowing who you might take on. I can manage. I don't

any help. Thank you.

Is that them outside?

Yes. You need help. I do not.

It's better with two.

If I thought I needed a second opinion, I'd have asked Brenda to sit in.

Her? What use would she be?

She'd spot any dicey ones. She's a very good judge of character.

Judge of character?

She couldn't spot a lemon in an orange -sucking competition.

All your life, you've been taken in by layabouts.

Toby, Missy, it doesn't happen again. What do you mean?

Look, I won't say anything.

I'll sit here quietly and observe.

Here, you better have that.

Mother... Don't argue.

Come.

If the valve springs are closed together at one end, that end goes next to the

head. Very good.

Then you give the valve the tap with a light hammer to ensure the split collet

seat properly.

That's fine.

Just a moment. Tell me, Miss... Mills, Lyndon.

Quail Street.

Is that council property?

You don't need to answer that.

They're flats.

Thank you.

We'd just like to get a bit of background.

Well, I think that'll be all for the moment.

Can I ask a couple of questions?

Certainly. Have the premises been checked by a factories inspector lately?

What? Well, I don't think we come under the... Well, as I don't employ any...

Well, if I do, then they will, because they must.

It's just that I noticed that the fire extinguishes CO2 and it should be a foam

type, and there's no sign of an asbestos blanket.

Yes, there have been means... Is that the dry cleaners?

Shall I send the next one in?

Please.

So, why are the jaws of the spanner at an angle to the shank?

It's the way they're made.

It's the way they're made.

How would you tighten this nut?

Clockwise.

Yes, I know you'd turn it clockwise. How would you hold the spanner?

At the end.

There we go.

Yes, if you just wouldn't mind waiting outside, Mr Cameron.

Is there anything you'd like to ask us?

Well, no, not really.

Except I would like to express my appreciation for a very fair interview,

Mrs Stoneway.

Well, actually, I'm Mr Stoneway's mother.

No!

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just that, um, well, you don't look old enough.

Oh.

What a pleasant young man.

And Cameron's a good Scottish name.

And so what?

Well, they're good engineers, the Scots.

Well, I asked him six questions and he waffled on all of them. Well, those are

silly questions.

Well, it doesn't matter which way up you hold a spanner as long as you turn it

the right way.

Well, actually, it matters a great... I don't know what I'm arguing with you

for. Precisely. Call him back in.

Well, I'll have to tell her first.

Tell her what?

She's got the job.

A girl?

Working here with you?

She was good.

You can't have a girl working here.

Why not?

Oh, because it might upset Brenda, you mean.

What? I hadn't thought of that.

Still, mustn't discriminate, must we?

So, I went to the door to offer her the job, and guess what?

She'd gone.

What, she'd gone?

Yeah, she'd gone, that's right.

Had the other fella gone and all?

Yeah, how did you know?

Yeah.

So he was left standing there all on his own, was he, Mr Cunningham?

Cameron, Chris Cameron.

So you decided you had to offer him the job?

Yeah, that's right.

Well done, then.

But she was put off by the fire extinguisher.

I doubt it.

But your mum was pleased, though.

Yeah, she was. She said he can have his lunch at ours.

Did she just?

What did they look like?

I don't know, just sort of ordinary.

I'll tell you what.

I've got to go to Offham's tomorrow afternoon.

Here's your 10p back. Thank you.

OK, yeah, I'll call on my way.

Call where?

To yours for lunch.

Oh, right.

OK, thanks for asking.

See, things are better already.

Of course, Hiswell is a very select part of the Wirral.

Yours must have been at home there, does she?

Not half.

You'd think she'd been a plastic gnome all her life.

She polishes the bath plug, makes rhubarb wine and knits her own curtains.

She doesn't.

She does.

Proper Miss Dolly domestic to you these days.

No -one would ever believe she used to drink bitter for Lancashire.

Thank you, Mrs Stoneway. Oh, right.

Enjoy it, did you?

It's delicious.

Just a moussaka, but with a little elaboration of my own. Yeah, the bit of

privet on top.

Base.

Do you think I could have the recipe for me mum?

Why, are you going to cook her?

By all means, Christopher.

If she could cook.

Oh, great. Well, you know, she's professional -like. She does Tuesdays

Fridays at our chippy. Oh, yes?

Well, your parents have a chip shop, do they?

No. Our chippy, the one near us.

Oh, I see.

Well, what does your father do, actually?

Well, home improvements, you know, rewiring, loft insulation, cut -price

security. Well, burglar alarm?

Well, sort of. He sells you this box full of tarantulas.

And before you go out, you just let them loose in your hall.

Right.

back? How do you get them back in the box?

You just call them. They've all got names. Oh, right.

But he has a trade, though, has he? Yeah, yeah. He's Sparks.

Sparks? But only if he scratches Flint.

Oh.

So did you work with him, then? Yeah, when I was a kid. He'd take me on

jobs. To learn at Nellie's elbow.

What, no to crawl under the floorboards?

To chimney sweeping?

You are okay with electrics, though? Oh, brill.

Only yesterday I fixed me mum's torch.

Yeah, I was thinking the mains electric.

What, you mean plugs and fuses and that?

Yeah, no sweat. Ah, well, perhaps you can take a look at my twin temperature

croissant warmer.

Malcolm's been promising to fix it for over a year now.

Yeah, yeah, you could do, but then after you could go to Brenda's sisters

because they want power in the garage. Now, you need about eight metres of

and you can pick the drill up from the workbench. Yeah, yeah, but it depends

where the... No, I'll give you directions.

Yeah, but I don't... All right, I'll hang on it till he's done that and I'll

take you.

Great. Right, well, I'll see you later. About five. See you, Brent.

See you.

Nine foot six.

OK.

Have you ever done anything like this before?

Of course I have.

Well, similar.

Like what?

I plumbed in my nan's washing machine.

What, successfully?

Half. I got the pumping end bit right.

But just when it pumped out? I flooded the kitchen.

Two kitchens, actually. She lived in a flat.

I thought she was asleep.

No, she's been listening.

Yeah.

I'm right.

She says she's never heard such a pile of rubbish in her life.

Is it true, all of it?

Yeah. I'll tell her.

She said if it is true, you'd better not go fitting any electric points in the

garage or anywhere else.

Yeah, I suppose she's right.

How old? Nine months.

She's a good talker.

Her dad's a budgie.

What's he going to do?

Well, I think I might only manage to run the wire through.

Malcolm might turn up just in time to make the connections.

Sarah says that's very wise.

Oh, she's a bright kid.

Runs in the family.

Her mum could hold an intelligent conversation when she was nine months.

Only she seems to have lost the knack. Now she's got married.

Is there anything on the telly?

That's pushing her a bit, isn't it?

Mark did give you the drill and the wire and all that.

Yeah, but he said to drill from the garage to avoid making a mess in the

So? Well, there's no PowerPoint in the garage.

Ah, no, that's clever.

I thought so.

I'll put some dust sheets down in the hall. Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to

bother. Because there's no need to, is there? None at all. Because if you look

in the cupboard under the stairs, there's an extension lead.

Oh, there's not, is there? I'm afraid so.

Right. Brendan, tell the chief. Yes.

Hi.

How's Farron?

He's all right. He didn't like the noise, so I put it down the bottom of

garden. In town?

No, under a pallor of leaves.

He's nearly through.

Taking bets will be it, sir.

Oh, he will?

I helped him medley.

Nine foot six from the door, six foot six up.

What's the steps?

Eh? What's the steps? We're higher than...

Sister had to say.

Oh, it was all right. Malcolm explained to her that it was all his fault, so she

just broke his collarbone.

But I healed quickly.

No, it wasn't as bad as all that. David said he wasn't very keen on that picture

anyway. And our Pam says with the hole in the wall, she can see what he's up to

when he's in the garage.

And Christopher?

He had to go home early.

Said something about his grandmother's washing machine.

Yes, well, I'm sure he does his best.

At least he fixed this.

So what do I see in it?