Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. But what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or gentile.

So the question should be, what does he...

You know, I'm sure, if you put your mind to it, you could really get on at mud

shops.

And even your friend from Hemel Hempstead might appear.

No, perhaps not.

Terry, all he's going to get is the push.

You know, yesterday, Mr Blackmore sent word for us to reduce some jackets by

three quid. So what does he do? Leaves them at the marked price and cuts a few

buttons off.

Why, for heaven's sake?

That'll be some scheme of his, some conscience.

People are very gullible, you know.

Easily taken in by a fast talker.

Now, that's very true.

And how long is Brenda home for?

For good.

She's lost her job.

Lost it? What do you mean, lost it? Left it on the underground?

All right, she was sacked.

Then why not say so?

Well, there's other jobs.

Surely the whole of London can't know what she's like yet.

She's lost her accommodation.

Well, as Lady Brattle might have said... It sank.

Oh. And it wasn't carelessness.

But surely there's some... Brenda's been through a lot, and it's taken it out of

her. It could have her taking it out of everybody else.

She's changed.

Oh, yes. In what way?

She's quieter now.

More subdued.

It's true.

London's affected her. She's more mature now.

What? Oh, no.

Can't be.

You chopped the scales, didn't you?

Me? Why me?

Because you're the only infant on the premises.

David leave early then, did he? He left last night.

Yeah, well, before he left, he might have nipped into the bathroom and had a

little twiddle with the scales.

How much have you lost then now?

Six pounds in seven days.

Cor, at this rate, you'll have disappeared by Christmas.

Then he'll pay the rent. You've touched them scales again and you'll disappear

by Friday.

It was a joke.

Yeah. I'm on 750 calories a day.

Is that all?

Well, I'm going into town later.

And since you've got a birthday this year and you're not eating, I'll be

to take you to lunch.

I'm lunching with David.

David? Which one's David?

The only David.

Wait, Pamela.

It's getting far too serious with you and him.

You'd see less of him if you were married to him.

It was a joke.

It's not a joke, is it?

You're stuck on him, aren't you?

Aren't you?

Oh, you wouldn't understand.

Not with him, I wouldn't. He's a flyboy, Pam. And what are you now?

I know a poser when I see one.

Brenda, you're out of order.

David's kind, warm, understanding and generous.

And what's more, we're in love.

Bloody hell!

You're just butting it out.

That's one word I never thought I'd hear uttered in this house.

be going to wash your mouth out? Brenda, I'm warning you. Come back, Heathcliff.

My bodice is yours for the ripping.

Are they good?

Cow!

Can I help you, Sue?

No, thanks, but it's just looking.

Very good quality, these, darling.

Do you want to try one on?

No, I don't think so.

Come on. Cost nothing to have a look.

What are you, 36?

I am, actually.

I thought so. Got to know your onions in this game.

They are.

I tell you what, girl, I knew it'd suit you, but I never guessed it'd look that

good. It's OK, isn't it? It's brilliant.

Expensive, yeah, but how'd it come down?

It was 40 quid last month.

Oh, that was this.

Oh, look, that's bad, isn't it?

No buttons.

Tell you what, I'm not three quid off.

I mean, it's damaged goods, isn't it?

Do you have a charge card here?

I do, actually. Well, it's like getting it for nothing, isn't it?

What happens if I can't get another button? No problem.

I'll wreck it.

Hiya. Hello.

Did you win?

What? The lemon sucking competition.

What?

You're looking dead miserable, Mal. Come on, share it all. Oh, it's this place.

I hate it.

Plastic and the noise.

Everything's so cheap and nasty.

Talking away.

I had a lovebird this morning.

If you don't mind, I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in my

company. Oh, sorry, darling. Touched a nerve, have I?

I've certainly got one. Honestly, Terry, you'll be getting the sack. I've just

seen him sell a leather jacket to some girl. Business, Malcolm, business.

He's right, you know, Mal. I came in here for a nana wrap and what have you

shown me so far?

I didn't know.

Well, allow me.

32,

are we? Well, one of us is.

Now...

Um, no, I don't think so.

All right.

Oops, sorry.

It's all right, I've got it.

Sorry,

Mr Blackmore wants to see you.

Look, if you just leave it with me, I'll draft a reply and you can sign it

later.

Yes, yes.

You go, don't worry.

If Mr Parker rings, I'll tell him you're at a meeting.

Bye.

Off you go and drink your lunch.

Judith, look. Yes, Pam? Any mail for McBottle on my death's birthday?

He causes more problems than enough, that man.

I just wish he'd lose his reading glasses for another year.

And, er, Karen?

Yes, Pam?

Watch the filing.

Physician's report's under P, not F.

And, Karen?

Yes, Pam?

McBain cock -ups.

That's just our little in -house joke. We don't write it on the fire.

No claim.

Yeah. It's for you. Fine.

Hello. Hello, Miss Pamela Wilson?

Yeah. This is WPC Strainbody here.

At this moment in time, I'm at your place of residence, and I must inform

that I'm investigating the presence of a body rolled up in a settee.

What do you want, Brenda?

I'm psychic.

Where are you?

Look, you're psychic, yeah.

In the corridor.

Hang on a minute.

Yeah, you're right.

And what have I got on your right hand?

A phone. Brilliant.

Yeah, further proof of the psychedelic powers of sisters born of the same

parent. What do you want?

Nothing. I'm just doing the rounds and generally annoying people.

Brenda, go away. I'm busy.

All right, don't be like that.

Any chance of a coffee?

Have a special TV cut.

Claims. Oh, hi.

Oh, I see. No, never mind.

Tomorrow will be fine.

Don't worry, I understand.

I don't.

David? Yeah?

Chicken's out on the lunch date, has he?

Something important's cropped up.

What, do you want to come with us?

No, thanks. We'll go in the warehouse at the Albert Dock. No, thank you.

OK.

Hey, doesn't David work near there?

Yeah. Well, pop in and say hello for you.

Brenda, if you go anywhere near David's office, I will personally ensure that WP

Thief's train body has something to fish out of the dock. You.

Where have you been?

Just causing trouble.

Oh, OK.

Tell me you're getting out for lunch.

Shut up. I'm here, all right.

Yeah, it's been a bit late. Oh, let's have a little rest, shall we?

Terry's in big trouble.

He was still in the boss's office when I left.

Well, it's not the full time.

He doesn't get the put.

Maybe. He's only got himself to blame.

Don't look. Eh?

I've dropped something.

What? Nothing. Just shut up and stay down.

What's going on here?

Rubber boy Lynch has just locked in. David?

With a woman. So what? Oh, come here.

Oh.

What are you doing?

I dropped something.

What? A mic.

You

alright?

Yeah. I forgot to find you.

What, here?

Yeah.

What's going on?

We don't want to be seen.

Are you in trouble?

No. Why are you in trouble?

No.

Why do you want to?

Well, I thought, would you like something to see Mr. Blackmore?

Oh, that's what I'm here to tell you.

Captain Tino's all round, mate.

What? I'll be promoting.

Promoting?

Anyway, the Blackmore congratulates me.

Tells me that I'm now the deputy supervisor for the ground floor.

That was well chucked up.

He'll pay.

So I'll be looking to get myself some wheels now.

Back to class.

Just saying, I'm a bit of a punk.

Would you like lunch or something?

The Hemel helmet's been promoted.

Terry, yeah, that's from Monday. The deputy supervisor, ground floor, section

Wow, that should make the front page of the Hemel Hempstead Gazette.

Local bore makes good.

There'll be no living with him.

What have you got there?

Oh, uh, cattychocks and a little mouse.

Oh, for your mother.

Tomorrow's his birthday.

I wish you'd have told me I had the censor card.

Don't be soft. Cats can't read.

He doesn't know it's his birthday, either.

Right, so, well, it'll be a surprise for them, won't it?

What's the other one?

Oh, those are for my mother. Mint Imperials.

Her birthday?

No, it's just when I get something for Beto and she gets a bit jealous.

I don't believe I'm having this conversation.

What one?

Not with vodka.

OK, just as well.

Sometimes she weighs them.

Weighs them?

A drama to go on in your house?

Are you sure you didn't pinch this plot from neighbouring?

You know, Mark, I'm going to have to tell her.

Oh, she knows. She never misses an episode.

Mean double -dealing, David.

Yeah.

You know, there's probably a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Of course there is, and I know what it is. He's a slippery, slimy, two -timing

toad.

Business.

What? Well, he was signing something, wasn't he? Probably just completing some

little business deal.

Dirty business.

Maybe she was French. I mean, you know what the French are like.

Tell me.

Well, where we'd sort of shake hands, they'd...

Well, sort of kiss.

Sort of kiss?

Well, kiss.

After signing some little deal?

Right. Well, what happened after Maggie signed for the Channel Tunnel? I know.

Don't tell me. You know about David, he's a PR consultant, isn't he? Well,

we are, he's probably just having public relations.

Well, that's not funny.

My sister went a bundle on that creep.

This is going to devastate her.

Well, don't tell.

I've got to.

Look, don't you think you're jumping to conclusions just because the woman was

attractive?

I mean, maybe it was his sister or a cousin, even.

Well, do you kiss your relations like that?

No. But I might have had relations like that.

Did you have a good day?

Not bad.

Brenda called and reminded me how much better it was when she was in London.

You? Pretty exhausting.

Lunch OK?

What? Your business appointment.

Oh, yeah. It was very successful.

I'm sorry about cancelling. Oh, no.

matter. We've still got her to look forward to. Right.

Lunch. As well.

Hiya. Oh.

Hello.

What? Pamela, what did you have for your dinner?

Curry cabbage.

What do you mean? Smell in here. Oh, hello, David.

Friend of show.

Coffee, everyone.

Please. We just have.

Oh, she's in a funny mood. I think I'd better be making tracks.

Oh, don't go yet.

She didn't mean you.

Who didn't? I mean, she didn't mean you when she said it about curried cabbage.

And even if she did, there's probably a perfectly reasonable explanation, like a

sister or a cousin or some little deal with a French woman.

Great.

If you ever find out what he's talking about, don't tell me.

I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, David, it's only early.

We'll be long.

Brenda, don't say anything.

Look, I'll be gentle.

You're not sure.

With you two, whenever you come round, you're always ruining the atmosphere.

It's funny, I thought it was a lot better now.

Brenda, shut up.

What are you getting at? Nothing.

Is it to do with David?

Who's David?

Look, Brenda, I've had just about enough of this. Since you got back from

London, you've done nothing but go round causing trouble and interference.

It sounds like I got back just in time then. Brenda.

What do you mean?

To stop you from making a complete mess of your... Transplanting.

At repotting, you mustn't make a mess. You see, this plant needs a bigger pot

when the roots start throwing through the drainage. Oh, we can flip.

It's head on, Gardner. It's question time. Look, I've got something to tell

Oh, er, anybody like a sweet?

What's that?

Oh, sorry, that's less Beethoven's. Look, it's dead important.

Oh, have I ever explained to you the principle of upholding settee?

I've got to tell you this.

It's dead important that... I didn't know whether I should, but I think I'll

have to.

Yes, Mr McBain. It went out in last night's post.

Signed.

Well, let's just say your name was on the bottom.

Nice lunch, was it?

True. Once it's gone through, it's hardly worth coming back.

Oh, by the way, Mr Parker rang.

He thanks you for the annual summary.

Apparently this department's first again.

I've put a copy on your desk.

It's a large pink sheet. It says summaries, annual.

Bye.

And your desk is the wooden thing you've got your feet on.

Oh, and Karen, as we're not in Cornwall, we're filing summaries under F, not Z.

Both of you, we're to cut down on the private phone calls. One a day and

This is mine.

David? Oh, hi, about lunch. Could we make it to the warehouse?

Fine. I'll see you there, then.

Bye, darling.

I'll have tomato soup and then jalapeno.

And for main course, I'll have... Yeah, I'll have a T -bone steak, medium rare,

with French fries and cauliflower cheese.

I'll have the soup and seafood salad, please.

You, er, given up the diet?

About soup.

Amongst other things.

So, this is where you lunch?

Sometimes. Like yesterday?

Yes. Enjoy it. It was very good. Lunch.

OK.

I was seen, was I?

Who was she?

Her name is Charlotte.

Who's Charlotte the Harlot?

Charlotte Lynch.

My wife.

Wife?

Pam, it's over.

She's right.

I don't see her. She's down in Guildford. I'm up here. We don't even

seems like it. Believe me, Pam.

We split ages ago.

Look, she's selling the house and there was some papers to sign.

I'm sorry, Pam, I would have told you, but after what you said about the last

chap you went with... Didn't he was a louse, but he didn't lie.

Better his wife.

I was going to tell you, honestly, it was just a question of finding the right

time. Papers to sign? Yes.

So she came all this way?

She's on her way to Preston to visit her parents.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay. Leave it.

Do you mind if I unfold it?

Stop bragging, Malf.

It's a settee.

Fascinating the way the biradial hinge causes it to swivel up and out in one

movement. Don't be boring.

It's ingenious. Brilliant.

Malf, it's a folding settee, not a starship Enterprise.

Hi. Hiya. Hiya.

How did it go?

Oh, what a day.

Not one half for getting a hurry.

No, mate.

Why? Well, it's Beethoven's birthday.

I'm getting Pam your coffee.

Right. So?

So, we went to the warehouse.

For lunch? Yeah, well, at least I did order lunch.

And? Starting with soup of the day. Oh, it was asparagus yesterday. Very nice.

He guessed he'd been seen.

So what was his story?

Sister? Business client?

Cousin? Wife.

Wife?

Yeah, took me back a bit.

Certainly wasn't ready for that.

Oh, well, there you go. I thought he was married.

You never did, Matt. Go and play with your sofa.

Look, Pam, I really am sorry. I didn't want you to get hurt.

But I had to tell you. Yeah, I know. It's just as well you did.

It was all too good to last.

Aren't you a creep?

Except that it's over between them.

Well, like they say, he would, wouldn't he?

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Look, I'm right. Believe me, Pam, I'm right.

Her name's Charlotte.

Soft name.

Well, anyway, it's all over now.

Oh, never mind, eh?

What is it with me, Bren? I'm good at my job.

I can handle all the fellas there. I even play agony auntie to the girls in

office.

Oh, did I tell you? You just got engaged last weekend.

Yeah, you told me.

Look, you can't let it get to you.

They're not worth it, none of them.

Life was going along so smoothly, and then all of a sudden I get caught up

a jerk.

Oh, I see.

Yes, me too.

Married.

Well, at least I left him with a little memento.

Oh, you did? What?

Well, we had the soup of the day. You've got to admit, he did look sort of

married. What?

Well, he had that sort of married look about him, didn't he?

Malk, lie back.

Eh? Lie back. What for? Huh?

Oh, come on.

Maybe so.

Hey, girls, be careful.

Bye -bye.