Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call him right.

He is no one's Mr.

Right. But what do I see in him?

But then, I'm not the ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be, what does he...

What's that door?

Right, love, where do you want it?

Over here, please.

Over here.

Actually, no, I think over there.

Over there.

On the other hand... No, I think back there.

Here. Yes, that's right. Hold on, hold on. Are you sure now? Yes, I think so.

Right, you can always give us a ring if you change your mind, can't you? Well,

it'll be OK there.

Right, do you know how to open it out? I'll sort it, thanks.

Ted'll show you if you like.

It's okay.

Wonderful on beds, isn't it, Ted, aren't you?

Can I do a sign?

Yeah, just here, though.

Here you go.

One sofa bed, one chair, one double bed.

Right, thank you very much. And, uh, listen, love.

If you fancy it over there, give us a ringy.

Is that you, Malcolm?

I've got some news.

No! Oh, OK.

It's about my job.

You're all on your own, aren't you?

Yes. Good, because I don't particularly want old Misery Mush to... Malcolm!

He is out.

Misery Mush.

Malcolm's gone to a concert with a friend.

An old school friend.

You want another drink, love?

Yeah.

Doesn't Darwin delay?

No. Do you go to any concerts?

Used to.

Not so much these days.

In fact, in the last 12 months, I've only been to, er... None.

What about you?

Quite a few.

What, with Terry?

Hardly. He's from Hemelhampton.

Oh, I forgot.

Are you two still, er... On and off.

And you in there?

Oh, yeah, we're still, er...

Except, well, with Irving in London. Having a good time?

No, well, well, I mean, she might be.

Not that I wouldn't want her to. I mean, I would too if I was.

Except I probably wouldn't.

I mean, I don't mind if she does, if she wants to. After all, in a way, I am

now.

Not that it matters.

Like they say, when the cat's away, it's sauce for the gander.

Quite.

I mean, I get down there once a month and she comes up here once a month.

So you miss each other?

Pardon? Nothing.

Well, I miss each other. I mean, I miss her. No, I mean, you swap over and

you... Oh, never mind, it was a joke. Oh, a joke.

Perhaps the most.

Brenda likes jokes.

I can see that.

Some of the things she says.

Do you know what her name for you is?

I don't think I want to. Super Rabbit.

Play on Susan Roberts, you see.

Hilarious. Oh, she wasn't being rude.

Of course not. Well, perhaps a little bit. Malcolm.

Oh, she's a hoot sometimes. Malcolm, do you think we could just forget Brenda

and Terry for the evening?

Oh, right, OK.

Finished, have you, Sean?

No, I'm off.

All right.

Hello, love. I don't see much of you these days.

Pardon?

Ain't you died of it, too, eh?

That's full, Harold.

That was it.

Sorry, love.

Indupitably. You don't think so?

Yes, I do.

It's fantastic.

Wonderful. It's brilliant.

In fact, I doubt there's a better looking room this side of Chatsworth.

we move the table under the window and have the sideboard across here.

That's the way it was before.

Oh, yeah?

Pamela, leave it.

Oh, it's just that I feel we'd have more room with the sideboards across here.

Do you not see what I mean?

Look, if you just move it this way, I'll give you an idea.

If I move it that way, it'll give me a hernia.

Leave it as it is, eh? Just for a year or two.

Then if you find you don't like it, we'll start again.

Oh, well, you're probably right.

Now, what about the bedroom?

Oh, now you're talking.

I'm talking about moving things round.

So am I.

minutes, a new series of The State of the Region.

Malcolm,

is that you?

Well, before you come through, will you get the rubber plunger thing from the

garage? That sink's blocked again.

It's taking hours to drain. The whole kitchen smells like a fish porter's

armpit.

Oh, hello.

Mrs. Susan. Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Dunway. How do you do?

How can you? You should have warned me. Oh, please.

It's nice to see a room that's lived in. Oh, yes.

Well, that's certainly what we do here.

It's the living room.

Will you have a seat?

Thank you.

Did you, er... Did you have a nice time?

Lovely, thank you. Ravel.

Ravel? Oh, very nice.

I mean, it's not surprisingly warm with music like that, is it? Warm.

Tallville and Dean?

Of course.

You know, would you like a chocolate?

Thank you.

I'll not bother, thanks.

Are you sure?

Oh, well, yes, you're right.

We girls have to keep an eye on our figures, don't we?

Is this what you wanted?

What? No!

I mean, yes, but not now.

Men have no idea, have they, Susan? None at all.

Well, what about some supper?

Oh, just a coffee, please. I'll get it.

There's some biscuits in the top cupboard.

Oh,

would you care for a scone?

Are they homemade?

Well, yes.

Lovely.

Oh, Martha!

Of course, yeah.

So what do you think? It's all right.

There's more to it than meets the eye. Shall we demonstrate?

Yeah, why not? Hang on a minute, you two. I don't think I'm ready for this.

Look, I'll take a walk around the block. I'll come back when you're feeling

better. Brenda, sit down.

Right? Right.

Good, eh?

Marvellous. Do you do card tricks as well?

Very comfy.

I think I skipped the next bit. You two enjoy yourselves.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Pamela!

Where's my bed?

Well, it was overcrowded with two. You could hardly stand up.

I don't come in here to stand up. I come in here to lie down.

Yeah, well, you're in London.

Oh, am I?

Most of the time. You're only back the odd weekend, so...

than you'd bunk on the houseboat you'd docked on. I don't dock.

And what's more, it doesn't matter if I spend my time in London sleeping in a

barbed wire hammock. This is my home and I pay the rent only because I let you.

Ladies, please.

Don't call me names. Don't talk to him like that.

Pam, I'll ring you tomorrow.

Oh, David.

It's best I go. Yeah, you go, you, you homewrecker. I've told you not to talk

him like that.

up the little wooden hill to Bedfordshire.

Don't you two be late now. We won't. I'm joking.

You'll be as late as you like.

What's she on about?

I can't think.

I'll walk you round to your place.

There's no need, Malcolm. It's only ten minutes.

Yeah, that's why.

What?

I mean, like a wide walker, rather than get the bike out.

OK, we'll do this then.

Oh, er, can you get that?

Sure.

Hello?

Er, hello, Melbourne 1892, is it, please?

People rabbits!

She's so nice, isn't she?

Beethoven's a he -mother.

I meant Susan.

Oh, yes, she's OK.

Works in a country, say.

Good sign, that.

What do you mean?

The people who handle money, they're very dependable.

What, like bank robbers?

He is silly, isn't he?

Why didn't you tell me Brenda had rung when I first got in?

Slipped my mind.

Anyway, what difference could it have made?

Well, if I'd known she was ringing back, I wouldn't have let Susan answer the

phone.

I must try and explain to her.

Trouble is, there's no phone where she lives.

Couldn't the warder take a message?

That is not funny.

You know, I can't understand you.

Worrying about her when there's a lovely girl like Susan available.

Well, Susan's got a boyfriend, Terry.

Terry? Yeah. From? Yeah. Good heavens.

But Susan's from Cheshire.

Doesn't matter much these days.

Seems not.

Could go down, I suppose.

Today, don't be ridiculous, it's 200 miles.

I've got to do something.

But you can't even be sure it was her last night.

Might just have been one of those phone calls.

One of what phone calls?

When they breathe.

No, it was her, all right. I know it was.

Although it's a long way to go if it wasn't.

I could go and see Pam, I suppose, and get her to explain next time she's in

touch. Well, I must say, if you had to get involved with one of those sisters,

it's pity it wasn't the older one.

She does seem slightly more responsible.

But it's a bit like choosing between two brands of corn plaster.

Hello?

Are you sure it was there?

Well, she didn't have to say what's up, Doc, but it was there, all right.

Yeah, it seems well Smuggins here was sweating away in a cheapo shoe shop all

day and a leaking dock boat all night.

Malcolm Skunk Stoneway's been playing hoppity hoppity.

You know, I really didn't think he was like that.

Mind, it's always a danger if you're working away.

Who's working?

What?

Brenda, have you been? Yes.

Oh, no. What did you do?

Nothing. Oh, well, there you go. Then you do nothing. You're bound to get

push. I did nothing wrong.

I worked hard, kept my nose to the shoe horn, and bingo, the big Eve. And you

didn't upset anyone?

You don't believe me, do you?

Listen, Pamela, I was as good as gold in that shop.

Some of those customers had really sweaty feet, and I didn't throw up once.

Very good.

I didn't complain when the boss had us sweeping up till after six, even though

we were only paid till five.

And I didn't land in one when he squeezed past me in the stockroom six

often.

Get lost.

It was like a cross between Bernard Manning and an octopus playing the

Wurlitzer.

No good as gold I was, cos I wanted to see what reason he'd give.

So you knew it was coming?

Well, that was the rumour.

He'd taken on two YCS kids last month, and everyone reckoned that as soon as

summer trade started to fall away, he'd be looking for a reason to get shut to

some of us full -timers. So what did he get you on?

Nothing. Me and Alison were just sacked.

See, Muggins here had missed the point.

We'd only been working there six months.

so he didn't even need a reason.

It was like doing one lap of the National and getting shot to save on

Oh, what?

Well, he has got a sense of humour.

He didn't tell us till Friday.

And then he says, do either of you two know where the nearest job centre is?

when we said no, he said, well, you'd better find out for Monday.

And laughed so much he fell off his eye chair.

Oh, that's it?

How do fellas get like that, eh?

Well, he's a self -made man.

Or in his case, a self -made louse.

a shop on the high street?

Give him ten years.

He'll be buying forests in Scotland and running a house.

I'm going for a nice long soup.

Brenna, I'm awful sorry. I didn't realise.

Well, why should you?

Well, it took the pride of me, though.

What? But you just took it all.

I had no choice, did I?

Oh, but I did offer him a special bye -bye. I thought so. Let's hear it. What

did you do?

Well, I waited till after six, till he'd all gone.

And then I said, if there was ever any chance of me job back, I'd be very

grateful. I told him no hard feelings and offered him a goodbye kiss in the

stockroom.

Imagine. Do you reckon he's still there?

I shouldn't think so.

I rang the police later.

I told them I'd just seen someone going into a certain shoe shop.

Well, it's not really funny, is it?

No. But that's not all.

What happened when I got home?

Yeah, well...

I'm sorry about the sleeping arrangement.

Oh, don't rush it. I still mean London.

Home as in the Kiwi 2 of Camden Lock.

I will tell you after.

Hello?

Oh, David, look about last night.

Oh, great. I'll have the coffee.

Hello, Pamela. Hello, it's you.

Hello. What do you want?

Can I have a word?

I can give you a few. None of them polite.

Can I phone to Brenda, please? Well, of course.

Well, honestly, it wasn't that way at all.

Although I can understand that it must have seemed that way.

See, I can't explain to her.

Ring again?

I can't ring her.

She might ring you. Can I come in?

I think you'd better.

Better keep hold of that. You might need it in a hurry.

Right.

She rang you this morning, did she?

Brenda?

Yeah, well, I just thought... Well, it was a bit late to ring you last night

after she rang us. Er, me.

What? Well, she wouldn't get much for 10p.

Pardon? Before one o 'clock.

Look, if you've got something to say... Right.

Well... I wondered if the next time she rings you'd explain to her for me that

things weren't the way they seemed, because we'd been to a concert, but she

a spare, you see, and Terry doesn't go because he's from...

Well, you know, and I've been washing up and I didn't want to get studs on the

phone. Malcolm. I mean, I will write to her and explain, but I wanted to know

straight away, you know. Malcolm. I mean, I could have gone down there, but

well, 400 can't be coming back as well. Malcolm, she's here. And it's not the

petrol, because the bike's very... She's here.

Brenda.

She's in the back.

Oh, I'll wait.

I think that's probably Beth.

She came home last night.

Yours wasn't the only double cross she copped yesterday.

Though I think she'd better tell you that herself.

Tea or coffee?

Yes, please.

How long's she back for?

She hasn't said. Things were a bit fragile here last night.

We've only just got round to the civilities ourselves.

You've said tea?

Yeah. It opens out.

Yes, I know the type. Very cunning.

What, the teas are?

Yeah, the way they fold out.

Well, that's the one. I'll keep an eye on it.

Actually, I wanted your mother to get one of these when she redid the lounge,

but she wouldn't. Do you mind if I... No, feel free.

Watch it doesn't bite, though.

That's ingenious, the way to pull up and out in one action.

Secrets in this biradial hinge at the side, you see. Then there's a spring

attached to the eccentric noble plane, which translates to the awkward pullage

which was a rotary action.

And then the legs are positioned automatically by this hinged bracket

offset pivot here. It's the same on the other side.

Malcolm, sit down. Pardon?

Fifth Malcolm.

You are in lumber, and this is no time to be lecturing me on stupid noble

flanges. No, no, eccentric, not stupid. It means the hole isn't at the centre,

you see. Oh, Malcolm, shut up and listen.

Brenda's very upset, and it's not just because of you and your friendly bunny

rabbit. There's other things.

Eh? She had a rough day yesterday.

She took a lot of knocks, and she needs to be handled very gently.

No, she doesn't. Brenda.

Nor does she need people talking about her behind her back.

Oh, hello.

Oh, you'd better get in there, fat.

for some weirdo giving him practical lessons in handling women?

What are you doing?

I was just saying about this team's bracket with the offset pivot. Oh,

shut up and listen.

85 cents, please, love. Here, I'll get that.

All right.

An alphabet, please, Harold.

See we died you there again, eh, love?

Died you there.

Looks nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and have one yourself, Harold. Oh, cheers, lad.

Oh, look, Bren, I'm sorry.

What for?

Well, it wasn't the way it seemed. She had these tickets. Look, you can go with

who you like. There was no contract.

Well, she had this spare.

Tire. And ticket for the concert.

Did she scream?

Pardon? At the concert.

Well, no, it wasn't that sort of a thing. No, no, far too late. You like to

a good screech, Albert. No, I mean, it wasn't a pop concert.

Oh? It was at the film.

Oh, right.

Not in my league, eh?

It's not league, it's just taste.

What, and I haven't got any.

Of course you have.

No way.

Went out with you once, didn't I?

Still could if you wanted.

No chance.

Have you had a bad day yesterday?

Oh, you don't know the hour.

Well, Pam's just told me about your job.

What, the one I haven't got?

Oh, look, don't worry. Something will turn up. There's loads going on in

There's some. You've got to have some with you today.

Oh, what's up with the boat?

It's sunk.

Oh, no.

It's all me worldly goods.

What happened?

Someone stamped you hard on the toilet.

flushing the footprint through the bottom.

Yeah, I've had a bad day, then.

Well, if they come any worse than that one, I'll end it all and come back as a

pigeon. Get me own back on the lorry, yeah.

So you lost everything?

Well, I didn't have that much down there, but what I did have, I haven't

more.

So does this mean you're back?

What about me back?

I mean you're home.

Look, Mal, I've got no job, no bed, I've fallen out with my sister, I've been

beggared about by you, and now even Adam doesn't know who I am.

Welcome home.