Original subtitles

It was boredom at first sight.

You could hardly call it right.

There's no one Mr.

Right. So what do I be in it?

But then I'm not so ideal.

I'm not gentle or genteel. So the question should be what does it...

Malcolm.

Malcolm, do you realise what time it is?

Malcolm, you were supposed to be going to Hilbury.

Where's Malcolm?

Well, he's not in here.

How did you get to... Where did you spend the night?

Morning, Bathroom Street.

That's a relief.

I thought you were going to charge me. I'll nick you more than five minutes.

Hey, we've been looking for you.

Who has? What? Weren't you on the settee?

I was for a bit.

He means for a while.

Got uncomfortable, so we swapped.

Well, how did you?

I mean, who's in your room? Peggy.

Peggy? Yeah, she got confused and climbed in with Brenda.

I couldn't wake her.

Gin and sleeping pills. So we all moved around one.

Except you.

I'd like to know what's been going on.

Brenda, do you want your usual?

She's gone upstairs.

What do you mean, your usual?

Breakfast. She likes home -meal toast.

How do you know? She told me. And a post -day. Oh, that simply isn't good

enough. Seems very wholesome to me.

You know what I mean.

There's been shenanigans in this house, hasn't there?

Possibly, but I think the folk before us were called Bailey.

Don't get smug with me, Malcolm Stoneway. You're supposed to be out of

We overslept.

You never intended, did you? It was all a divide to get her over here.

I told you, we overslept. My alarm didn't go off.

Unfortunately... Nor did this one.

If Auntie Peggy had triggered that off, it'd frighten the nightie off her.

There's no need for that sort of talk.

No, there isn't. You put that there to try and catch Brenda, didn't you? Yes,

well, I know what you were planning.

Those sorts of goings -on may be all right on television, but don't forget,

is Mel.

What went on went on in your mind?

That girl is leading you astray.

I don't need leading, I've been.

Martin! Now, get this straight. No, you get this straight.

Brenda is my guest, and you've been consistently rude and unpleasant to her

since she arrived.

That's because I find, let's be honest, Malcolm, she really isn't your type.

I mean, I feel most uncomfortable with her around.

And frankly, I don't want to have her in this house.

Right, that bit.

And there's another person you won't have to have around this house either,

that's me. I should have done this years ago.

And it's a nightingale. Yeah, get your coat.

And your bag, we're going. No, Malcolm, there's no need for these dramatics.

Oh, isn't there? For your information, the worm's turned.

I've had all I can take of your snobby remarks and constant criticism of me and

people and things alike.

Only ever one person, Malcolm.

Just so happens that that person's very important to me.

But when you're older, you'll realise I was right.

I'm 30.

I'm stuck.

Come on.

No, look, Malcolm, you can't go. I mean, you've got to have some breakfast.

Can't you stop? We're going.

Okay, okay.

We don't give you a minute's peace in this place.

Do you do breakfasts? What time is it?

Twenty -five to ten.

Only till half nine.

Oh, go ahead, just an egg on toast or something. Sorry, rules is rules.

Serve you that sort of thing, they'll all be wanting it.

There's nobody here.

Of course not, breakfast is finished.

What about lunch?

Not till half eleven.

Okay, just two teas then. Anything else?

Would you like a couple of bacon butters? Yes, fine.

I'll bring them over.

He's off his head.

Right, well, that's that, then.

Yeah, but I'd have preferred an egg on food.

No, I mean, that's it. I've decided.

Oh, good, right.

What? I'm leaving.

I thought you'd left.

I should have done this years ago. So you've said.

See, my problem is I let myself get pushed around.

I'm in a drafty. I change places.

Right.

She just goes on and on and on.

Worse than being married.

Probably. But without the compensations.

What, like tax allowances?

Well, them as well.

So what are you going to do?

Get a flat, of course.

Well, just like that.

What do you mean?

Well, for a start, it's Sunday.

The fellow who has all the flats goes to his nan's for his dinner.

Fix something up in me lunch hour.

And tonight?

Oh, yeah. OK, it'll have to be our couch.

But what about your gear?

Oh, once I get a flat, I'll go back home.

No, cancel that. I'll go back to her house and collect me stuff.

No, your gear's for work tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, I need me suit, don't I?

Oh, look, we'll have to knit back, but I want to speak to her. All right.

But I'll wait outside, OK?

Coward. No, it's just so I can watch your bedroom window.

Then if she locks you in, I can come up and rescue you.

Load it down.

Was it bacon butters you wanted? Yeah.

With no bacon.

We've got fish there.

Oh, don't bother. We're going.

Oh, no.

How much for the cheese?

Let's see.

Table's safe.

Did you have anything else?

Come on, there's nobody here. She must have taken my Auntie Peggy out for a

walk. Well, she couldn't have gone far because it's still out there in the

corner of the yard.

What is?

I think your friend has broken it. Well, if that is the end, that woman's

absolutely impossible when you get back indeed.

Well, you are back.

Yeah, but not for long. Look at that snidey remark about you. Come on, if she

shows up now, I'm liable to really let her be.

Excuse, really, to come round.

You don't need one.

Are those for me?

Make a change, wouldn't it? I mean, giving you flowers.

No, Malcolm got them for Brenda.

Seems a fair exchange.

I'll just get short.

I'm just about to have some tea. Do you want some?

Yes, please.

Chinese?

Peaceful for you.

Play? They look a most unlikely pair.

Yeah, I'm a bit distracted.

He's keen on bird watching and doing up ancient motorbike.

And she's keen on people watching and coughing up ancient joke.

People watching?

It's a game we play. You see a stranger and you make up a really unlikely

background for them.

Brenda reckoned, and this will make you laugh, Brenda reckoned that you were a

pseudo -charmer with a wife and five kids.

Hidden away in a double -glazed wimpy and guiltless. Did she?

And I don't even like hamburgers.

Where are you from?

Me? Oh, I've moved around a lot.

Originally? Sort of Surrey.

Ish.

Hamlet, does your sister's boyfriend actually ride one of those antique

motorbikes? Yeah, why?

Does it have a sidecar? Oh, no, it's not, is it? Maybe they've just forgotten

something. Oh, I was hoping she'd stay round here to play for a while. Like ten

years or so.

Hiya. Oh, you're still here, then? I've just arrived.

Oh, they all say that. Still, I believe you.

What's it to you, anyway? You've been out all night with a fella.

I was not. I was with Malcolm.

Oh,

you two haven't met, have you? David, this is Malcolm. Malcolm David.

Make sure you get him the right way round.

Hello, Malcolm. Hello, David.

That was good, but we'll test you again later.

I thought you two were going bird -watching. Have we changed our mind?

They've been developing.

Tell them what you've done, Mark.

Run away from home.

Oh, you rebel.

Without having his breakfast.

What are you two eating?

I have something at the hotel.

Er, Bren? We're starving.

Brenda? Yeah?

We're all out.

Are we?

Still, you know best.

You see, the thing is, we normally do the shop on the Saturday, but with us

being out... What's going on?

Is there nothing at all?

A pack of the dried lentils, three tea bags and half a carrot.

Oh, you have it.

I wish that one was.

Oh, all right, all right. I'll go down to Sunday's shop.

I won't be long.

Oh, we'd better go with her. We should swap the cow for five beans and some

climbing instructions.

Saw your car outside.

Very nice.

Saw your bike.

to be free then.

Fantastic.

I mean, you think about these things for so long, it sort of weighs in on you.

Once you've made that decision, the feeling of relief is marvellous. I feel

cleansed, I do.

As if a big weight's been lifted off me, almost light -headed.

I've told you before, Mark, there's no need to wear your helmet in the back.

No, I should have done this years ago.

You keep saying that.

I wonder what she's wondering now.

She's probably wondering if you're wondering what she's wondering.

I think so.

Hey, Mark.

Stop it.

Stop what?

Wondering.

Right.

So tomorrow we'll go to the estate agency and see what's on offer.

We will?

Yeah, well, you'll come with me and help me choose, won't you?

Oh, sure, yeah. I just thought you meant... Oh, well, yeah.

I mean, if you want to. I just thought, while you're with Pamela and... I

couldn't just... No, no.

Not even if you wanted me.

No, no, of course you couldn't, no.

Could you?

I shouldn't think so.

Though I might do if I knew what we were talking about.

Brenda. Yeah?

I've been thinking.

I knew you'd try it one day, Mark.

With moving out and a new life and all that stuff, well, maybe now's the time

for a complete break, a fundamental change.

Don't tell me you're going to sell your bike and buy a Reliant Robin. No.

in bed watching out.

I'm serious.

Sorry. You know, you once suggested I open up my own bike repair business.

Specialist for classic British bikes.

Well, wondering if maybe now's the time.

You mean take the redundancy rather than transfer to mod shops?

Yeah. Great.

I'm sure you'll be okay.

You're a different fellow when you're in that garage of yours with your welding

outfit and your brazier.

No, it's a brazier for working with brass. Oh, sorry.

Yeah, you'd be okay.

I think so. Do we?

You've only got one life. This isn't a dress rehearsal.

Really, it's a scheme intended for people just like yourself.

Coffee? Not for me, thanks.

I tell you what, I'll give Pamela some leaflets to pass on to you. Great.

You two still gabbing?

I'll be saying goodnight then.

When?

OK, love.

Thanks for all your help.

Oh, I think nothing of it. It's good to see a bit of free enterprise blossoming

in this neck of the woods.

Thanks for a lovely day.

In fact, for two lovely days.

No, thank you.

It's been really... Oh, marvellous.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

Thanks, Mama.

You're fantastic.

Don't tell her. Tell your mates. Brenda.

You go too far, you do, Brenda. Another crack like that and I'll bounce you

right out that window.

Goodnight, Pam.

Oh, locked out. A little waif out on the cobbled street.

No. Might buy a box of matches off you.

You'll be the rich businessman then.

Yeah.

Stringer's specialist bike shops across the country.

Posh house in Oil Lake and a cosy pad in town.

Yeah, there'll be no talking to you.

You'll have a fitted carpet in your sidecar and your own personalised

And on the back in studs it'll say, Mel's Angels.

David was on about this enterprise allowance scheme. You get 40 quid a week

the first year. All you have to do is put up 1 ,000 to start with.

I don't think the white sleigh doesn't give you that much for your mother.

Might get a fiver.

Five -fifty if I threw you in as well.

That was a bit of redundancy, isn't it?

And David says if you're prepared to put your head in the lion's mouth and

juggle the angles, you can fix up quite a good show. But apparently it's quite a

fine tightrope to walk on. Sounds more like a circus.

Problem is, you need to have been unemployed for at least eight weeks.

Oh, well, I can do that bit for you.

David knows of a few. I wouldn't get too taken up with his chat, you know.

He is a bit of a whiz kid, is David.

And your style, well, it's more trickle than whiz.

Still waters, Brenda, still waters.

I'd have said stagnant meself.

Oh, great.

Thanks for the encouragement.

You're the one who claims to be all for people doing their own thing. I am, I

am. It's just that you've got to take it one step at a time.

You've got to get your flats up. Put it out for a start.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, first things first. Tomorrow, the estate agent.

Half twelve.

Right. Right.

Brenda, don't you think it's time you were in bed?

The mother forgot work tomorrow.

She's just like me mother.

And mine.

Never mind.

We could be free of all this soon.

We could?

Well, if you're prepared to join the circus.

Oi, Billy, smart.

Bad.

Takes a lot of nerve to do what you're doing.

There's another fellow I'd know who'd throw up a cushy number like mod shops

chance his arm with a business that might not even get off the ground.

Anyway, I'll see you after lunch, yeah?

Yeah, see ya.

So, how's your pan, then?

Oh, blooming.

Do you want a drink?

No, I'm waiting for someone.

In fact, I'll see you.

Quite the lager, please, Errol. And a bottle of wine.

Sorry about that. I tried to ring you home before you left. Did you wait long?

Yeah, five minutes.

That's not long.

It is for me, if I can set a new record.

See, Kerry's off sick.

I couldn't have first lunch.

Never mind.

I picked up a list of flats from the estate agent.

Did you get tonight's paper?

Yeah, yeah.

I had a look through. There didn't seem to be anything suitable.

Oh, well. There's a few earl up possibles.

In Liverpool, are they?

No. One in Edinburgh and two in Hong Kong.

What's the art stop, lad?

I mean, round here, sort of. I mean...

It's just that the exact location's important, you know. I wouldn't want to

too far away from the premises.

Premises? Yeah, we're after bike business.

Oh, fair enough.

So where is it that the new Stoneway garages will first be winding up its

doors? Er, well, that depends.

I thought it might.

Eh? On where you live.

Ah, well, er... Well, you put your finger on it there, that's the problem,

see, because, erm...

If I commit myself to this flat, there'll be all those initial expenses,

there? Like carpets and curtains. Oh, of course, yeah. You'll definitely have to

have curtains and egg cups and a tea cosy.

You big divvy. All you need to start off with is a blanket and a can opener.

Yeah, I suppose.

I do need a phone.

What for?

To ring Mummy and ask for which end of the can opener for you?

No, for the business.

Oh, yeah, the business.

See, Terry was saying... I thought he was sick.

He came in in the afternoon.

Did he?

I see.

Just a bug.

Yeah, it would have been.

I suppose he reckons that the future lies with mod shops selling poncy boxes

yours to droopy Doreen.

Well, he does as a matter of fact.

For him, of course.

But not you, Emil, because you've got a lot more to offer than that.

I wouldn't say that.

Well, it's about time you did.

It's no good being modest.

You've got far too much to be modest about.

I'm just trying to be realistic.

I mean, do you have any idea how much redundancy I'd actually get?

Well, we were working it out today, based on my length of service and my

pay. Well, it only comes to about 1 ,400 quid.

Only?

Yeah, but, well, there'll be all the problems with tax and VAT and stuff.

Are you sure?

Probably.

Well, my Uncle Bert did some improvements with two mates and he never

involved with any of that.

Maybe he could give you a few tips.

Oh, OK. Well, perhaps we could go see him sometime.

Yeah, I'll find out.

I think it's every second Wednesday visiting.

What is this, can you?

You can find out about these things.

You said you could get advice, didn't you?

Yeah, well, I do intend to make a few inquiries.

It's the timing, you see. It's really quite crucial.

Making the first step the right step.

In one sense, or at least one way to look at it, well, considering all the

alternative strategies, so to speak, well, look, it could be best if I work

the garage at home.

Did you say home?

Come on, Brenda, you know what I mean. There'll be no rent and all my gear's

already set up.

Oh, of course, yeah. And then you wouldn't have to bother fixing up a

Until you're ready, that is.

Well, right.

Well, once I'm established, then I'll move.

Are you sure she'll take you back?

Oh, yeah, no problem.

Well, she said so when she rang you this lunchtime, did she? Yeah.

No, no, she was just checking I hadn't been run over.

Well, if you had been, at least your knickers were clean.

Knock it off, Brenda, you know what they're like.

I don't, but I guess yours are pink with blue bunnies.

Mothers. Yes, I know what mothers are like, but I've forgotten what you're

Malcolm, when have you got to decide about taking this redundancy?

Not till next week.

Thursday, I think.

You don't know.

Might be Friday.

Of course, I'm a fool, aren't I?

You don't know because deep down inside you've no intention of doing anything.

Of course I have.

It's all right for you. You've got no job to lose.

It's a very difficult decision. It's important I do things in the right

Otherwise I'll end up losing everything.

Instead of just one little thing that you don't really want anyway, do you?

What do you mean?

Me.

Come on, Brenda, there's no need for that.

Malcolm, why did you bring your bag?

What?

In case I was moving into a flat or something.

This evening?

Yeah.

You're going back, aren't you?

What? To where?

Not at all. I told you, the only reason I'd go back up, go back there, is to set

up the business from the garage where all my stuff's set up. Sure, yeah.

But when you've done it, maybe you can pop round and let me know.

I don't know where I'll be living then, but perhaps at the same time you can

service me wheelchair.

Come on, Brenda.

It's a difficult decision.

Well, I'm making it easy for you.

Look, you give me this six months ago, I won't be needing it any more.

Brenda, don't go.

You know what I'm like.

Yeah, I know what you're like.

So on second thoughts, I'd rather take this with me in case I find myself a

biker.

Brenda!

Do you want a lift?

No. I'm going your way.

Which way is that then?

Whatever.

No. Oh, come on, I'm round the corner.

Oh, all right.

Right, over there.

Not again.